Seven Words You Can't Say to a Man

4.25.05
1 a.m. to 2 a.m.

"Did Jack do this?"
Ah the eternal question around 24. You can tell the Bauer did something when you see the branding on the side of his victims. It's small, but with a magnifying glass you'll be able to read "Beat by Bauer" on it. If he's really pissed at you, he'll put it on your forehead.

Poor Audrey is turning more into a mom than a girlfriend these days. You can tell from the stern look she gave Jack with her arms crossed in the hall. She's diminished Jack to being a rowdy 14-year-old who needs to be locked in his room for all the hi-jinks he's done.

Curtis: Dude….she's looking at you.
The Bauer: Walk away. Slowly. I'll confuse her with an ambiguous smile.

Instead of love, all the Bauer gets is a speech about consequences. That's such a mom thing to do and it never works. My mom said drugs and alcohol were bad. Boy was she wrong. Drugs and alcohol got me to where I am today…which is at the bar…with a bunch of old men…who call me sonny boy.

But I guess when you piss off President "You want it when?!" Logan, you're bound to suffer some crap for your actions. So let's arrest the Bauer and put him in the time-out car so he can think of what he did wrong. Yes, that's the answer. The more we run this country like a first grade class room, the better we'll be.

Marwan certainly knows how to party. What better place to film a terrorist video than in a closed off room of a dance club? If you get bored, you can always run out the door and start dancing.
Which apparently is why you see 40-year-old men in dance clubs. It isn't for the college aged girls (or boys). It's the perfect cover to conduct business, both legal and illegal. And besides, walking through a club while talking on a cell phone makes you sooo badass.

The Reasons for Terrorism:
Um, pretty damn weak and obvious. Oh the United States is a bully. We will blow you up until you admit you suck. Yea, we know that. Why don't you come up with something more specific? We know we're a bully and have come to terms with it. Why can't you?

And I'm sick of the vagueness. Give me something specific dammit.

"To the people of the United States. I am sick and tired of waiting for my pizza after I order it. The ad in the phonebook said prompt service, but here I sit for over 40 minutes with no pizza. Where is the pizza? I ordered it, so it should be here. Is this not a service that is easy to provide? I can plan a terrorist attack easier than I can get a pie with extra cheese, peppers, and sausage. It is because of this grave injustice that your country will be terrorized until you remedy this problem...and I get my damn pizza."

There are seven words in the English language that, if used in the right order at the right time, will strike complete and utter fear into the heart of every man in this country.

"I found that bookmark on your computer."

The mere thought of answering the phone and hearing your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, or boss say those words will send a man into hysterics. Why? Because, as is usually the case, it means they (the enemy) found your hidden stash of computer porn.
Go ahead, ask your male friends. If they're honest, they'll admit it. If they deny it, say the above seven words and watch them crumble and freak out. If they're smart, they would have renamed the bookmark to something that sounds mundane or commonplace like "tennis."
It's common enough to not raise any flags and boring enough to deter anyone from actually clicking on it.

Sabir the terrorist should have lied to his girlfriend and told her he was cheating on her. Women need a reason, any reason. But nooo, Sabir had to be vague and say he couldn't tell her what was going on. This leads back to the problem terrorists' have of not being specific enough.
And she knows his politics? What does that mean? Does Sabir have a Death to the United States tattooed on his ass? And if he does, what the HELL are you doing with him?

Girlfriend logic: "Oh, I know he has his faults and that, sure he might be into this whole America is bad thing. But when he hugs me and I smell him, I just remember that time he brought me flowers on the beach and…"

Scent is the strongest sense tied to memory. How will you be remembered?
Old Spice Body Spray. Helping terrorists fool their girlfriends one hug at a time.

I want the video camera that I can make walk through a vent. I wouldn't use it for spying. I would use it to look into the living room to see what's on television as I work in the office or to even check the fridge for a beer. It would need a remote and a claw too. Then again, if I had the funds for such things I could probably just buy another television for the office and get a mini fridge.

Another problem terrorists have is not being able to mesh well with the environment they are in. Maybe this is where their hatred for America stems from. If we just taught them how to dance, maybe this whole hatred thing would blow-over. I'm calling Kofi at the UN now. He's always up this late watching Law & Order reruns anyway.

And finally, the Palmer comes back! Though I was a little disappointed that he didn't pick up a shotgun and say "Let's roll" to his secret service pals. I still hold on to the hope that Palmer will be out in the field with the Bauer, shooting everyone up and leaving All State business cards on the cars he crashes into.
Palmer should see Logan face-to-face so he knows just how much of a wuss this bastard is. Logan looks like a goldfish I used to have as a kid. We called him "Shit Brick" and cheered when we flushed him down the toilet.

Logan's heroes for this episode (AKA people who have a nervous breakdown): Jack for his monkey dance while yelling "WE HAD HIM DAMMIT!" and Edgar huffing and puffing about how no one can use his computer. Maybe he has some bookmarks too…

I had just about had it with Edgar's shit when all of a sudden he starts saying sweet nothings into Chloe's ear. It was nice that Edgar offered to go instead, but he should know it wasn't because Chloe's the best. It was because Edgar couldn't fit in the car.
CTU backup, yet again, is completely useless. And so is this goon who can't get rid of two unarmed girls. Thanks to the bullet-repellent car, Chloe escaped and got to shoot a machine gun at the bad guy. Though I'm not surprised she had such good aim. Every computer geek has played Doom 3, so I'm sure she's had a lot of practice.

I liked her face at the end of the episode with that glow of "I can't believe I just did that." I had that same face after I convinced my girlfriend from many moons ago at that the suspicious bookmark she found on my computer was actually for a paper I was doing research on.
Stay in school kids. The second you leave, you will never be able to blame anything on "research" ever again.

Gas Stations: Entrapment for Terrorists and Us

12 a.m. to 1 a.m.
4.18.05

Marwan has the codes and the locations of the warheads but according to The Bauer, he needs only one to craft his master plan. Had he wanted any more, then he could be considered a legitimate businessman and would have been ever harder to catch since CTU doesn't handle white-collar crimes.

Another thing CTU can't handle is a wimpy president who whines over the speakerphone. Whining is bad enough, but when you hear it through the phone, it's ten times worse.

How did Prez Logan get picked for the VP position? Did Keeler just need someone who wasn't a threat? A dog or a Canadian would have been much better and less annoying.

As always, Tony sees through the bullshit and bursts out with the "Uh, this president's a wuss" remark in the meeting room. Thanks Tony. You win the Captain Obvious crown of the week.

Although Tony does seem to have something with his "I'm sorry" speech to Bitchelle. It at least got her to check him out. Apologize to a woman for anything (especially if you did nothing wrong) and they will be silly puddy in your hands.

Maybe the problem is that Tony and Bitchelle forgot how to use their relationship voices. Look at Bauer and Sheryl Crow. They go from the loud choppy business talk to the soft, wimpy "Are you ok?" voice.

That's how you separate your personal life with your work life, a change in tone. That lets the person know that you've switched hats. Problems occur when one person is wearing the work hat and other is wearing the relationship one.

Sheryl Crow: We have a lead on the suspect, but Amnesty Global sent a lawyer
The Bauer: (less than a yell, louder than a whisper, and a touch of love) Remember that time at Motel 6 when we stayed up late and laughed at how funny it was to say "amnesty" after awhile because it sounded like "am nasty"? Haha, that was so funny because the guy they sent around never showered and…
Sheryl Crow: Jack…shutup.

Random Rant: I hate it when doctors use the word stable to describe a patient's condition. Stable means nothing. Dead is stable.

So Marwan got a warhead in the Midwest thanks to some shoddy military protection and the sweet cover of night. Where do these terrorists get their training that they can take over a military transport and…oh wait, we probably trained them.

A part of me was sorta hoping that Jack had a cousin in Ohio named Kyle "T-Bone" Bauer, who is like The Bauer except he has a southern accent and has the tendency to utter the phrase "Don't make me beat you with the snake."

Apparently Amnesty Guy thinks torture consists of a backroom and a rubber hose. Silly Amnesty. This isn't Cuba. We have electricity and Agent Richards who has a sleek-looking torture kit with fun needles.

And why didn't I hear of the torture technician job during career day? I would have studied a hell of a lot more had I known that an interesting and profitable career awaited me after high school of poking people with needles all with a smile. Stupid guidance counselors.

Thanks to the screw-up of Yosick, terrorist superstar of the night, CTU now has a possible lead to Marwan. And all because Yosick used his debit card instead of his Orbits card that garners him points for airline tickets.

But how does one use the wrong credit card? Think it's impossible? Think again friend.

How many times have you been putting gas in the car and all of a sudden a strange, yet familiar song comes on the outside radio and you can't help humming the lyrics to Journey's "Don't Stop Believing." Suddenly your mood shifts and you feel compelled to walk into the food mart inside and buy something, anything. All it takes is a Journey song and the smell of gasoline and they have you.
If it can get us to buy random pieces of crap, it can get terrorists to use the wrong credit card.

The appearance of Joe Brado has finally given us a terrorist with a personality instead of someone blankly talking into a cell phone and muttering about "the cause." It's a nice change of pace to see a guy who's just in it for the money. If someone talks about this vague and ambiguous cause one more time this season I am just gonna lose it.

Wait a minute. Twenty minutes have passed and there hasn't been one scene with the Bauer. What the hell? Can't they at least give us a little box showing him passing the time by playing the new Metroid game on the GameBoy Advance?
Instead we get an angry Edgar yelling about how it isn't fair that he can't have two minutes alone in the room with Brado. I think Buchanan secretly wanted to give Edgar that chance and take some side bets as to how long Brado would last.

12:42 a.m. Jack finally appears at CTU. I breathe a sigh of relief.

And boy is he pissed. He's got the president and some creepy bald lawyer (Am Nasty) telling him he can't beat the crap out of Brado and that is just making the rage boil inside the Bauer. He hasn't done anything in the past 20 minutes and he's itching to screw some shit up.

But he resigned and now the rage can be let free because he's now just an angry vigilante out to save the world by throwing bad guys in a van and hand cuffing them to the dashboard and seat.

I wish angry Edgar ran outside to join Jack in his vigilante crusade. Alas, unless he gets a bike or a golf-cart, that lovable bastard isn't going anywhere.

Oh and now we don't have to go by the book, so here comes the breaking of the fingers, garnering screams across the country after The Bauer turned Brado's hand into his own wish bone. I wonder what The Bauer wishes for when he does that. I bet it's for a racecar bed.

How can the finger breaking not get to the man, but the knife to the throat does? Jesus, I was ready to yell out all my secrets after witnessing someone's thumb getting broken off. After that, a knife to the throat is welcome surprise, just like the severed thumb in your bowl of chili.

It's vintage Bauer, who is essentially a crazy man with a gun. I expect all sorts of rule-breaking and at some point someone yelling "Jack, you're crazy!"
So apparently what this show is telling me is that the government will eventually be powerless to stop terrorism and that it is up to private citizens to take matters into their own hands. I guess I'll be joining the minutemen tomorrow and buying a "What part of Illegal Don't you understand?" T-shirt. Yay activism!

Fourth and long...

11 p.m. to Midnight
4.11.05

Every week I suffer a letdown at the beginning of 24, thanks to that stupid asinine warning about graphic violence. Before you only got that warning every once and a while and when you did, you knew some nasty shit was going down. It's so commonplace now that it's lost the excitement it once had. At this point it would be more shocking to see everyone on 24 having a picnic together and talking about the first time they fell in love. The warning before that show would be "Invite Grandma. It's Hallmark time."

Air Force Done has been shot down and no one knows who's alive or who's dead. There's a bunch of people at CTU, two high-ranking people from division and one drunk who's freelancing for the day and NO ONE knows about this super secret channel that can get in touch with the secret service? Jack must have gotten the knowledge from craigslist.org. You can find anything there. And, being at a desk job for a while, he's had the free time to finally surf this "Internet" he's been hearing about.

Old Man Buchanan wants Tony and Bichelle to be back together. So the lovefest is back on. All Tony needs is a brown trench coat and an old stereo that's playing Amy Grant's "Baby, Baby" that he can hold over his head and Bitchelle will be all his again.

Ah Mike, the VP's advisor and another recycled character from the 24 closet. What is the deal with him always wanting to get the president knocked off so he can get the VP to rise up? And nice pick for a VP. He looks like he's complete useless and close to tears all the time. I'd rather have a guy in there that misspelled "potato."

So the boyscout is dead and the president is in pretty rough shape. Well, at least we know there isn't anything serious going on right now.

FUMBLE!

Oops! We dropped the nuclear football and like the Buffalo Bills, we did it at the most crucial point in the game. I wish Heller called Jack on a video phone and yelled "Get me that ball!" while wearing a "#1 Coach" hat from K-Mart.

And, just like the Bills, the two people closest to the football have no idea what to do with it.

(John Madden looks up from his Hungryman TV Dinner to comment)
"That's just dumb football right there. See the ball, get the ball, run down the damn field. It's not that difficult."

Who goes to the Mojave Desert to make a baby? Crazies and potheads. Although I question Jay's intentions of actually wanting a baby since he left his wife in the tent and is outside with a flashlight because he "heard" something (don't planes falling from the sky make a louder noise than a fart passing in the night?). When sex turns into procreating, a man will do anything to get out of it, even hunt for treasure in the middle of the night in the Mojave.

The wife knew this because she "pretended" not to hear a plane falling from the sky a mere 100 feet away from them. She was probably ovulating and was hoping it was going to be man-seed time. Unfortunately for her, Jay lived every man's dream by actually finding treasure in the middle of the desert.

(He's a bastard. I've been searching for treasure all my life and all I've found is a hat that says "Cliff" and a discarded pizza).

John Madden (somewhat awake and still hungry): Looks like they got the football back, but here comes the defense storming up. They are gonna have to do something with that ball and quickly. Let's see if we can listen on the field to what the QB is telling his team.

The Bauer: Take the football and start moving. I don't care what direction.
The Madden: Yup. Sounds like Bills thinking to me.

But Marwan sniffed the play out, just like the unemotional Patriot's coach Bill Belichick, and is fully aware that CTU is making a break for the redzone.

(sidenote: If you want to be super cool, here is The Bauer's direct line. 310.597.3781. Yes it works. No you can't leave a message. Yes cast members and directors used to pick up the phone. Sorry, they don't anymore. Yes I call it in the middle of the night.)

I wished Jay took the briefcase and spiked it on the ground when they got to the abandoned building. It would have been fitting given the situation.

The Madden: Ok, they made it. But that defense looks threatening. I'm smelling a blitz pretty soon.

Indeed. Here they come. Madden is a genius…or just painfully obvious.

The Madden: Looks like it's 2nd and 10. And with those two running around the basement like chickens with their heads chopped off, looks like they're in trouble.

POW! Another Bauer backup is dead. Backups are completely useless. Yes, they are in trouble. But it can't be that bad. Bauer is talking on the cell and shooting at thugs. He's even got two calls going on at once. I can barely talk on the cell phone and drive, which is why I only do it when I'm drunk.

And who needs back up when a perfectly decent empty tin can is there? Bauer needs no back up. Only a sack of tin cans that are ready to do his bidding, be it explode bullets or hold a handful of beans.

The Madden: I told you! Blitz. And now they're back another ten yards and off to the left. I hate making plays on the left side, especially on 3rd and 25. Looks like Bauer is gonna call the play-action split, sending the married couple off in different directions. Let's see if it pays off.

Bauer is the last person on earth who should be giving relationship advice. One wife in the grave and a slew of ignored girlfriends. I bet that's the last time Jay goes searching for treasure. Especially now that he's shot in the shoulder and the leg.

The Madden: This looks hopeless. Fourth and long? Where's the microwave? I want another damn Hungryman. Screw this game.

But you can't count The Bauer out. He's a playmaker and when the game is on the line, he sends in special teams to shoot the crap out of the opposing team so he can cause a fumble. Yay! We have the football back! Hmm..Red chapter section three is missing. I hope it wasn't important or anything.

Audrey: "Section three? That tells them where the warheads are. Had you said section two, that would only lead them to the nearest 24-hour Whitecastle, which is equally important. Tell me, is that still there? I could have about 10 burgers right now."

So Marwan wants a warhead. He kidnapped the Secretary of Defense, threatened to melt down nuclear power plants, killed terrorist mom, indirectly killed Edgar's mom, blew up a warehouse, traded for Brillohead, and shot down Air Force One. That's a hell of a lot to do just for a measly warhead. Had it all been for directions to the nearest Whitecastle, then I could see it. But a warhead?

Just pull a Bauer and use a tin can. They are easier to find and a lot more fun.

Stabby McGee

10 p.m. to 11 p.m.
4.4.05

I don't blame President Keeler to want to get on the ground and start doing something. Even though it's Air Force One, I’m sure he's getting a little stir-crazy up there. No one likes to be on a plane for an extended period of time, even with all the cashews you could ever eat. If they would only allow Chuck E Cheese to take control of the ride, they could call it Air Force Fun. The government would get lots more done in that plane if video games and over-priced pizza were available.

Keeler's son (the boy scout) seems weak. He and crazy Mya would have made a great couple. She would just yell and he would cry out "I'm…scared!".
They just came from a stop in Mexico? Maybe Keeler kidnapped him from the boy scout troop he was with because he never had a son. Which is why his wife died…because he killed her.

On to the speech. Yes, let's tell the country the truth. That always works. Just like that whole WMD thing in Iraq.

"My fellow Americans. We are screwed. I suggest loading up on cans of refried beans since that is the only food that can survive just about anything and will last forever. That and fruitcake. I'll be up in the air when the shit hits the fan so I won't be there physically, but I'll be snapping a bunch of pictures with my camera phone."

Ho ho, Keeler's single? Maybe he should give Bitchelle a call since she's into old men with white hair.

Just when I thought Bitchelle was getting sweet on the Tony, she allows creepy Division man to caress her shoulder. Yes, let's get the oldest bastard that still works for the government to shack up with. I hope Tony breaks a beer bottle on the table and threatens to stab the old man in the throat.
Tony should have taken out the pocket-sized photo of his roommate and thrown it in her face.

"Her name is Lorna and she's a two-dollar stripper. That's right, she's better than you."

I love how everyone at CTU can handle personal problems in little five-second conversations. There was probably a class at the academy that taught everyone how to deal with a question like "When were you gonna tell me you were sleeping with that butthole?" with the very curt "Never." Short and to the point. You can't really say anything after that except hang your head in shame and reply. "I hate you."

The seeds of love have apparently transferred away from Tony and Bitchelle and landed in the love pond that is Chloe and Edgar. She's covering for him and even giving him a second "hey now" look. They could have an Internet relationship that consisted of smiley faces to get their point across and cyber sex. Again, another handy tool taught by the academy. That lesson was called "Feelings."

You could tell Chloe was trying to get Edgar alone with the "Do you want the bad news here or somewhere private?" Had Edgar chose the fun option, Chloe would have brought him into the break room and whipped out her seductive chicken dance set to Tina Turner's "Private Dancer." You'd be surprised how often the chicken dance works in seducing people. That's why it's used at weddings.

Edgar's gonna shoot himself at the end of the day. He's not hungry anymore. He's just emotionally drained and has to go home and plan a funeral for an empty casket. He doesn't need a sub anymore, he needs a private dance. Oh wait, he screwed that up already.

Paralyzed Paul thinks he can walk again. That fool. He's going to be singing the "I got no legs" song on subways with a little tin can for change. Audrey knows this and this is what makes her sad because she knows Paul can't sing. He's not gonna get shit in that tin can.

Which is why she's probably going to dump the Bauer (sniff) so she can nurse Paul back to health. You could tell from the "Yea…right" she gave him after their phone conversation. I've heard that many a time and when a woman says that to you, it usually means she's angry at you for using a lamp as a torturing device. Had he used a pillow, maybe she could let it slide.

But then again, why doesn't she want the Bauer? He can crash into the sides of buildings and unload bullets into terrorists. Not to mention have someone run into his trusty knife and then stab them twice with a level of excitement usually reserved for 10-year-olds on Disney World rides.

Jack's new nickname: Stabby McGee

Jack should just shoot anyone new he comes in contact with because one way or the other, they are going to die. Either because they are his "back up" (The Bauer doesn't need a backup unless that said person is getting him a coffee and a donut) or because a hot terrorist seductress with a bad accent is giving him the eye. No one gives Bauer the eye. If you do, you get the rage bullets.

Rage bullets are regular bullets except they can go through walls and hit the intended target perfectly. Bullets fired sans rage don't go through walls and hit nothing. In fact, they avoid the intended target because the bullets just aren't angry enough. And a bullet fired without rage is like whipping someone with a piece of string.

The cat and mouse game was fun with the pseudo Agent Drake for awhile, but the Bauer could tell something was up. Not because of the ransacked the room in a most un-FBI way. It's because she's an attractive woman and, as all burned men know, attractive women can not be trusted.

Wait a minute, Driscol was ugly as sin and she couldn't be trusted either. So I guess I'm wrong. All women can't be trusted.

But the absolute best scene of the episode last night was the Lifetime moment Jack had with Crazy Captain Anderson. It even looked like Anderson was going to cry about his crappy life and the fact the military threw him out. The problem was that Jack didn't give Anderson another option. He had him. Anderson was ready to change. He just needed another target.

"Look, all you have to do is change your coordinates to this and you can bomb the crap out of this guy who stiffed me on a bar tab once. That way everyone wins…and I finally get to see what the fuss is with these Stealth Fighters."

Instead, the crazy redhead shot at Air Force Fun and now the prez along with his poor-excuse for a son are going down into the desert. Wait. I saw that Harrison Ford movie…isn't there suppose to be an escape pod for the president when shit goes down on the plane?

Then again, if it did deploy, he would be stuck alone in the desert, which is worse than being bored on Air Force Stunned. The desert is a scary place filled with illegal Mexicans crossing the border with signs around their neck reading "What can Brown do for you?" and a group of patrolling crazies called Minutemen armed with slingshots and dodgeballs with signs around their necks with the reply of "Ab-so-lute-ly nothing! Say it again! Uh!"