5 a.m. to 7 a.m.
5.23.05
The Passion of the Pimp
It's not fair for terrorists to look as hot as Mandy, especially when she shows off that thigh holster. If she showed up in my apartment and started to walk around with the thigh holster and then took it off, I'd kill anyone and anything that she wanted. If I ever meet a girl with a thigh holster, I'll be screwed.
I was all set to write my proposal letter to her and send it to Fox until she opened her mouth and started to talk. In. Really. Choppy. Sentences.
"Will Michelle…save….your….life? Can…she…talk…as…sexy…as…this?"
I guess we know why she never talked all that much before. Apparently all she's good at is having sex and shooting people. Incidentally, that's all I'm looking for in a girlfriend.
Living in an apartment complex was a good move as well since they are ideal places to hide. Not only does everything look the same, but if you move the coffee table to the wall that opens the secret passage that allows people to escape.
If you turn the coffee table upside-down, the entire apartment goes up in flames. That's really all Feng Shui is, placing a coffee table in certain places around the apartment for a certain function.
Poor fat guy got shot. It's not fair. I guess in 24, fat people have no business being in the world unless they are working at CTU, sitting at a 24-hour buffet, or dying. Edgar should go to an Old Country Buffet just to be safe. And besides, he's had a long day.
Tony is naked, handcuffed, and on his knees. That's pretty much how all drunks end their day, so I wasn't too surprised about that. However, I was expecting him to start using his sex appeal on Mandy to try to win his freedom.
"Tell you what. I'll start dancing like a worm and let you rub my belly if you let me go."
If it worked on prom night, it'll work in the midst of a hostage situation. The only other thing he could have done was put an empty beer box on his head. It wouldn't have convinced Mandy to set him free, but it's pretty freaking hilarious.
5:30 a.m. It begins to rain in the world of 24, marking the first time weather was ever a factor. And how convenient that it was the precise moment that Mandy wanted to leave. Whose side are you on God?
Oh! The car blew up! Michelle screamed! Mandy said bitch!
The Bauer wasn't fooled for not only does he naturally distrust women, but he's seen this plotline too many times before and knows something must be up. And, just like before, the Bauer doesn't believe anything the government tells him.
"No Jack. Tony's gone. The car blew up. The computer told us so. Come on back. We're going to privatize social security and it's going to be awesome for everyone, I swear."
And how do you convince your neighbors to casually walk to a car with an umbrella pointed in a certain direction? I can't even convince mine to stop banging on the wall and screaming "Praise Jesus!" when they are having sex. Then again, I don't look good in a miniskirt or own a gun, so I guess I can't convince anyone to do anything.
Mandy was pretty sassy calling Michelle and sending her a photo of hostage Tony via picture phone. And you thought pictures phones were only good for porno pictures. Michelle wasn't willing to sacrifice a city for Tony? I would have been willing to give up Phoenix, St. Louis, and Cleveland.
I liked seeing Michelle freak out at everyone. It would have been better if she started to take off more clothing. Yea, Mandy really got to me. Why can't good people wear miniskirts?
The only defense against sexy women is to hump fight them. Hump fighting is what you do when you are handcuffed and all you can do is throw your body into the other person. In some cultures, this is used as a way to have sex and to kill people. Sometimes at the same time, which isn't a bad way to go.
However, the hump fight doesn't work when your opponent is a whore, because she practically invited the hump fight. So how do you defeat a whore?
POW!
You gotta dig deep and bring out the passion of the pimp inside of you to smack that bitch up with a quick one to the face. Even more impressive than that was how Curtis did it without leaving a mark on her.
If anything, Curtis can go on tour after his CTU career with his new book titled "Teach her a Lesson without going to Prison." It even rhymes a little so it could be a hip-hop song too.
The Year of the Rat
If you need to hide from anyone, especially the Asian government, San Diego is the ideal place to go. It's kind of like the apartment complex of cities. Not only is the weather beautiful, but people don't care who you are or where you came from. They only ask that you visit the zoo. If you don't go to the zoo, then they bring you up on charges.
That Asian guy is a tenacious little bastard. I've never hated Asians more. Maybe it's because he reminds me of my dad and the time I opened my car door and saw him sitting there with my report card yelling "You got a B in math?!"
Burns was holding pretty tight until crazy Asian man threatened to put him on a ship and send him off to labor camp. Burns is a wuss for giving up the Bauer. Labor camp isn't so bad. It's getting there that sucks. The boat ride will make you sick and car ride is full of bumps. If it was a concentration camp, then that would be slightly different…
Why couldn't someone smack Logan? His incessant yells of "we're screwed!" and "It's your fault!" brought me back to grade school. I wish the Chinese would storm the White House so that Secret Service could "accidentally" shoot the president. The government would be better off and the Chinese would feel like everything was square.
Phantom Shit
Marwan is still around? I thought that fool would have left by now. Oh that's right, the Bauer shot him with a rage bullet and, unlike regular bullets, those take some time to get out.
I liked how that fool couldn't leave in the helicopter because the Bauer's helicopter was right on top of him. That's what happens when you choose a getaway vehicle that doesn't have wheels. He should have just taken the bus like before or bought a scooter. Those are at least fun.
I love how the Bauer is never wrong. Most people wouldn't have paid any attention to some arbitrary sound in a parking garage and chalked it up to a rat or someone farting. But no, the Bauer hears something and automatically thinks, nay, knows that it's Marwan. I'm beginning to think the Bauer has super natural powers.
Then again, he couldn't get anything out of Marwan, even while he was dangling over the ledge. And that whole hand-slicing thing was just rude. Getting your hand sliced really hurts.
The missile is undetectable, traveling under the radar and heading toward a major US city. This makes the warhead kind of like that phantom shit. You felt it leave, but you won't be convinced of its existence until it starts to smell.
Hmm, despite Marwan shooting his phone or whatever that thing was, CTU was still able to retrieve information from it that was interpreted as a flight path. And, surprise surprise, the missile is headed to LA.
WHAT?
Why the HELL is it going to LA? Did Marwan have some beef with Hollywood? Is it possible that perhaps he didn't agree with the way Middle Eastern people were portrayed on television and on film and wanted to teach the entertainment industry a lesson? Soak up the irony people. Soak it up like a towel soaking up pee in the kitchen.
There is no fathomable reason for the missile to go to LA. It would have been 7 a.m. when the thing hit. The newscasters in LA wouldn't have woken up from their coke-induced coma, making the job of covering such a catastrophe impossible. Wouldn't Washington DC (because of the White House) or Nashville (to enrage country fans) been a better choice?
And yes let's take a shot in the dark at this foreign thing that is moving towards LA. Sure, it could be the 7:13 a.m. flight from Vegas that's heading to LAX, but at this point who cares?
I was kinda hoping to see the debris fall to the ground with this big metal plate hitting this car with the words "US Warhead. For Peace Keeping use only" written on the side.
A Fashionable Pair of Sunglasses
"Tony…I never realized how much I loved you until I saw you in this flannel shirt. Wear it to bed tonight."
Yay for Michelle and Tony. They will leave the life and hopefully open a taco stand or something.
Bad news for the Bauer as Audrey leaves him after realizing there is only one woman for the Bauer and that woman is CTU.
Getting dumped sucks enough, but when you find out that an entire country is pissed at you, it sort of dampens your mood even more. After I got dumped, I found out Guam was mad about an alleged public urination incident. From the letter I got yesterday, they still haven't let it go, despite the fact that their rose gardens have been flourishing.
The Bauer is being dumped twice in a matter of minutes now that the country wants to throw him to China. It would have been exciting to have the season end with Bauer getting arrested and being shipped to prison, but because he's the man that knows too much, a different course of action had to be taken.
"He must be killed. He knows where we keep that special stash of Twinkies. The Chinese don't have Twinkies. We must protect the Twinkie supply."
Those fools. The only person that can kill the Bauer is the Bauer. And he ain't gonna go out like a fool.
The Bauer smiled after Palmer told him he was going to be killed. You know why? Because the only thing more fun than thwarting terrorism is to screw with everyone you know.
To end the season with a game of hide-and-seek and watching the Bauer fake his own death was awesome. Even better that Tony and Michelle were in on it (I guess they can do whatever they want since they'll be opening that taco stand on the side of the road soon).
And now that everyone thinks the Bauer is dead, he has to assume a new identity. Hold your breath, because here comes your last list of the year.
Possible new names and identities for the Bauer:
1. Sheldon Lewis, male secretary
2. Kennedy McLaw, mall security guard who moonlights as a janitor at a strip club
3. Kiefer Sutherland, get those irony towels out again
4. George Nelson, the best furniture salesman in Mexico
5. Jack Daniels, his new way of torture is alcohol poisoning. There is only so much Jack a person can take.
So there he goes, wearing a pair of jeans and carrying a satchel in the morning sun. And just to make sure no one will be able to recognize him, he puts on a pair of sunglasses, putting him completely in disguise.
You may have the same hair and clothes as you did before, but with a fashionable pair of sunglasses you become instantly incognito and can do anything you want. For the Bauer, he is taking the only road he has ever known. It's a road that will lead him to Mexico where loose women, cheap beer, and wooden trinkets await him.
I fully expect season five to begin with the Bauer wearing a sombrero, riding a donkey, and completely drunk off of tequila. At least, that's how it's going to begin for me.
See you bastards next year…
5.17.2005
Promises and Sex at 4 a.m.
4 a.m. to 5 a.m.
5.16.05
After weeks and weeks of chastising Bitchelle for her evil harpy ways, she has finally crossed over to the pro-Tony side and embraced that lovable gun-toting drunk with open arms (cue the Journey song…now). She can now be called Michelle with affection since she's even willing to leave the only thing she's ever done (besides being a gold-digging whore) for the Tony.
However, I would be careful about these 4 a.m. promises. Girls say a lot of things after midnight that shouldn't be taken seriously, especially when it enters into the realm of relationship talk. Actually guys say a lot of things they don't mean at 4 a.m. too like "Ya I can drive" or "Nah, I'm not gonna puke on you or your friend's bathroom sink."
Suggestions on new careers for Michelle (Tony will be a Spanish soccer coach).
1. Teach high school (A lot like CTU except with more guns and epic romances)
2. Open a small shop that sells nothing but orange juice and music, because you can never have too much of either.
3. Host a late-night infomercial that sells a new knife that can cut everything from truck tires to uncomfortable silences
4. A pirate (self explanatory)
And since Michelle is no longer the bitch, we have a new diva to take the crown. Welcome back Mandy, the slut of the 24 world that shows up either in the very beginning or the very end to have sex, kill someone, or both. Poor Mandy, will she ever find love? Maybe she's the one Bauer has been searching for his entire life. A girl who will kill or kiss anyone to get what she wants, much like The Bauer.
Background: Mandy was in season 1 and 2. She's a hired gun for terrorists around the world. She was featured in the calendar Terrorism Hotties as the most coveted month of July. She is bi-sexual. It's best to shoot her during sex, since that may be the only time she's unarmed.
Tony is a hostage. I hope Michelle comes storming out and tackles Mandy for stealing her man, just when they were ready to start over. 24 could end in an epic cat-fight with the Bauer and Tony sitting back and watching the show, each with a strange satisfied grin, as if this was the scene they hoped to see at the end of their hard day. (then again, who doesn't want to end the day that way?).
I didn't think it was possible, but Logan found a new way to annoy the shit out of me. Whenever someone is talking to him, he tilts his head back and shows off his nostrils. It's gross and ridiculous to think that the most presidential part of him is his nose. He may not know how to lead a country, but he'll be the first one in the room to figure out who farted or ate cookies for dinner. He should be moved to the Department of Homeland Security because knowing who farted first is essential for this country's survival in this world of terrorism.
Cheesy line of the night said by the speaker of the house about Logan being advised by the Palmer: "Well, it's good to know that he's in good hands." (You'll get it once you see one of Palmer's All-State commercials.)
Marwan escaped…AGAIN? This guy is the Bauer except he uses his powers for evil instead of good. However, he does lack the ability to think for himself. He's spent so much time, money and energy on bringing America to its knees, he never thought of what he might want if he ever succeeded. That fool. The Bauer was ready to offer him anything.
I would have at least asked for a strong cup of coffee that would clear out the bowels in under 45 seconds. It's been a long day and I'm sure Marwan has got some backup there.
And where is he going? What does a terrorist do when he's achieved everything he's wanted? My guess is Denny's because after a successful day, an order of the Superbird tastes all the more better.
But it looks like we don't need Marwan anymore since Hellboy made a booty call last week. I, like the Bauer, was anxious to see some more torture on the lesser Heller and was pissed that Audrey stepped in to run interference. You could tell the Bauer was anxious to slap this boy to pieces.
"Fine, you have five minutes. I'm going to warm up my lamp."
I think I'd rather be tortured by the Bauer's lamp instead of my dad coming in and threatening to allow CTU to use "every piece of equipment" they have. I've seen those pens they use and they look like they could do some really nasty damage. That and no one wants to come out of the closet in a government building where you can actually feel everyone pull back and say "eewww" in their mind.
He's gay! That was the big secret secret he's been hiding! This marked the first time I yelled "holy shit!" during 24 when it wasn't someone dying, something exploding or the Bauer torturing someone with a household appliance. And I give Fox credit. If you're going to add some soap-opera themes into an action-packed show, the best way to do it is to get some kid who's got OC experience.
I liked Heller's reaction to the "I slept with a dude" comment by turning his back and moving to the opposite part of the room, as if he were afraid he was going to catch gay. He even kicked his son in the balls one last time when he left.
"You've made a profound mistake today…and being gay is sooooo out. The Queer Eye ratings having been plummeting. They even tried going to Texas this season. Texas!"
But wait, the lesser Heller got high and had sex at 4 a.m., another fine example of how it is better to be asleep than awake at this hour. Nothing good has ever come from being awake at 4 a.m. The night is about to end and the sun is on the verge of rearing it's ugly bright head at you.
Where is this missile going and does anyone care? No one has offered a grand plan to try to stop it. Maybe no one will because it will be revealed that it's headed towards Atlanta and everyone will shrug their shoulders and say "Eh, no one likes the Braves anyway" and be done with it. If the warhead doesn't explode, I fully expect it to be a dud because it was made in the USA and it's one thing we can be proud of, it's the occasional chance of shoddy craftsmanship.
5.16.05
After weeks and weeks of chastising Bitchelle for her evil harpy ways, she has finally crossed over to the pro-Tony side and embraced that lovable gun-toting drunk with open arms (cue the Journey song…now). She can now be called Michelle with affection since she's even willing to leave the only thing she's ever done (besides being a gold-digging whore) for the Tony.
However, I would be careful about these 4 a.m. promises. Girls say a lot of things after midnight that shouldn't be taken seriously, especially when it enters into the realm of relationship talk. Actually guys say a lot of things they don't mean at 4 a.m. too like "Ya I can drive" or "Nah, I'm not gonna puke on you or your friend's bathroom sink."
Suggestions on new careers for Michelle (Tony will be a Spanish soccer coach).
1. Teach high school (A lot like CTU except with more guns and epic romances)
2. Open a small shop that sells nothing but orange juice and music, because you can never have too much of either.
3. Host a late-night infomercial that sells a new knife that can cut everything from truck tires to uncomfortable silences
4. A pirate (self explanatory)
And since Michelle is no longer the bitch, we have a new diva to take the crown. Welcome back Mandy, the slut of the 24 world that shows up either in the very beginning or the very end to have sex, kill someone, or both. Poor Mandy, will she ever find love? Maybe she's the one Bauer has been searching for his entire life. A girl who will kill or kiss anyone to get what she wants, much like The Bauer.
Background: Mandy was in season 1 and 2. She's a hired gun for terrorists around the world. She was featured in the calendar Terrorism Hotties as the most coveted month of July. She is bi-sexual. It's best to shoot her during sex, since that may be the only time she's unarmed.
Tony is a hostage. I hope Michelle comes storming out and tackles Mandy for stealing her man, just when they were ready to start over. 24 could end in an epic cat-fight with the Bauer and Tony sitting back and watching the show, each with a strange satisfied grin, as if this was the scene they hoped to see at the end of their hard day. (then again, who doesn't want to end the day that way?).
I didn't think it was possible, but Logan found a new way to annoy the shit out of me. Whenever someone is talking to him, he tilts his head back and shows off his nostrils. It's gross and ridiculous to think that the most presidential part of him is his nose. He may not know how to lead a country, but he'll be the first one in the room to figure out who farted or ate cookies for dinner. He should be moved to the Department of Homeland Security because knowing who farted first is essential for this country's survival in this world of terrorism.
Cheesy line of the night said by the speaker of the house about Logan being advised by the Palmer: "Well, it's good to know that he's in good hands." (You'll get it once you see one of Palmer's All-State commercials.)
Marwan escaped…AGAIN? This guy is the Bauer except he uses his powers for evil instead of good. However, he does lack the ability to think for himself. He's spent so much time, money and energy on bringing America to its knees, he never thought of what he might want if he ever succeeded. That fool. The Bauer was ready to offer him anything.
I would have at least asked for a strong cup of coffee that would clear out the bowels in under 45 seconds. It's been a long day and I'm sure Marwan has got some backup there.
And where is he going? What does a terrorist do when he's achieved everything he's wanted? My guess is Denny's because after a successful day, an order of the Superbird tastes all the more better.
But it looks like we don't need Marwan anymore since Hellboy made a booty call last week. I, like the Bauer, was anxious to see some more torture on the lesser Heller and was pissed that Audrey stepped in to run interference. You could tell the Bauer was anxious to slap this boy to pieces.
"Fine, you have five minutes. I'm going to warm up my lamp."
I think I'd rather be tortured by the Bauer's lamp instead of my dad coming in and threatening to allow CTU to use "every piece of equipment" they have. I've seen those pens they use and they look like they could do some really nasty damage. That and no one wants to come out of the closet in a government building where you can actually feel everyone pull back and say "eewww" in their mind.
He's gay! That was the big secret secret he's been hiding! This marked the first time I yelled "holy shit!" during 24 when it wasn't someone dying, something exploding or the Bauer torturing someone with a household appliance. And I give Fox credit. If you're going to add some soap-opera themes into an action-packed show, the best way to do it is to get some kid who's got OC experience.
I liked Heller's reaction to the "I slept with a dude" comment by turning his back and moving to the opposite part of the room, as if he were afraid he was going to catch gay. He even kicked his son in the balls one last time when he left.
"You've made a profound mistake today…and being gay is sooooo out. The Queer Eye ratings having been plummeting. They even tried going to Texas this season. Texas!"
But wait, the lesser Heller got high and had sex at 4 a.m., another fine example of how it is better to be asleep than awake at this hour. Nothing good has ever come from being awake at 4 a.m. The night is about to end and the sun is on the verge of rearing it's ugly bright head at you.
Where is this missile going and does anyone care? No one has offered a grand plan to try to stop it. Maybe no one will because it will be revealed that it's headed towards Atlanta and everyone will shrug their shoulders and say "Eh, no one likes the Braves anyway" and be done with it. If the warhead doesn't explode, I fully expect it to be a dud because it was made in the USA and it's one thing we can be proud of, it's the occasional chance of shoddy craftsmanship.
5.10.2005
Welcome to the Dark Side
3 a.m. to 4 a.m.
5.9.05
There are only a few actions a man can do to get a woman to forgive him when he does something wrong like trip and fall on her cat or indirectly kill her husband. Saying you're sorry and giving her a hug isn't one of them. Giving her a box of candy and paying her car insurance for a year would have been better. Candy is yummy and car insurance is annoying unless you crash into a lot of things.
The Bauer is going to have to realize that he's not built for a relationship. The job is the only thing that loves him back. When he tries to love other people or things, the job punishes him by killing them or sending them away. The job is jealous of anyone that the Bauer looks at. If Bauer isn't careful, the job will lure him completely to the dark side and cause him to do weird creep things.
A big "hey now" to Chloe moving in on the Bauer with the whole "I'm here for you" play. Being there for someone in relationship need means you want to throw that person up against the wall and do nasty dirty things to them.
I shudder to think what sort of weird experience that would be for the Bauer. He must have come to the same conclusion since he shot Chloe the "Are you serious" glance. Apparently he already read the memo Buchanan sent out about Chloe's "personality disorder" and doesn't want to date the weird chic at work.
Since the days of the cavemen, the tradition of doing something bad and lying about it to everyone you know has been passed down from generation to generation. It has reached such high places as the White House and low places like your mom's bedroom.
The Palmer had to deal with lying to a country. This is on par with lying to your mom about what you did (or didn't do) on a Saturday night with your friends. You have to tread carefully with this because if you mess up you could be at war with your mom or a country. Both are equally bad and can cause the same amount of casualties.
Blaming someone else is key, especially when you have factual evidence to back up your claims. That's why you always made friends with the bad kids in school. In case you got in trouble, you could always blame them.
The kids who didn't befriend the bad kids in school turned into people like the spineless President Logan who looks at you with bugged-out eyes and whines "Why did you do that?!?"
And c'mon, a billion Chinese at war with you? Yea, that's only if the bums and the millions of fast food owners get their pitchforks and start throwing them towards us. They just discovered capitalism and electricity. They also shoot their own people half the time when they are actually armed with guns. I don't think we have that much to worry about. That is, unless they combine capitalism and electricity. And start aiming correctly instead of squeezing the trigger in a fit of rage. Then we're screwed.
I wish Bauer's A-Team came up with their alibis or at least discussed the option to for a couple of minutes. Then we could have heard Curtis, The Bauer, or the two other random guys say one of the following.
1. "We were at Fridays."
2. "I was in the bathroom. And I wouldn't go in there for at least an hour."
3. "I tripped and fell on a cat"
It didn't matter anyway since random guy #2 (aka The Mask) screwed it all up because he allowed the Chinese soldier to reveal his face for the camera. Luckily for The Mask, he had the option of running away in a helicopter and probably headed to Vegas. If you've done wrong, that's the place to go to feel right.
Chang has to settle down with his accusations, though he's probably more pissed that someone got him up at 3 in the morning. He didn't even believe that the non-Asian guy could have been part of a group that wants to see China go down. The Bauer should have simply replied "Dude, everyone hates China" and left it at that.
More plot teasing with Bitchelle and Tony. Maybe if they utter one romantic line to each other in each episode, they would have completed the entire "I want you back" conversation by the end of the season.
And nice segue by Tony to initiate the relationship talk with Bitchelle.
"Imagine. I saw them hours ago and they seemed totally right for each other. And now, everything is ruined. Which reminds me of us, except the opposite. Yea, let's do it."
Buchanan deserves to lose Bitchelle to Tony. There are two things you don't leave Tony alone with in a room and that is women and beer.
Where the hell was Edgar? I was concerned at the midpoint of the episode because despite the very talented agents at CTU, it is not that easy to hide a fat man. Could it be that he finally got something to eat?
It must have been one of those stupid subs (AKA Subway. I hate Jared and I know I'm not alone) since he blew the cover-up completely. It's always the fat guy that ruins it for everyone else. And it's always because the fat guy was left out of the party.
It sucks to be CTU and playing Where's Warhead?, especially since the area they have to search in is the middle of the country where every thing and everyone looks the same. If the warhead was wearing a striped red and white hat and glasses, then maybe CTU would have a chance.
There is a 300-mile radius and, thanks to some creative background checking there is a guy that gave Marwan a "super weggie" in 1996. No one likes weggies, especially when the underwear disappears into your ass. And if you've had one done to you, then you know the pain and embarrassment is grounds for a warhead to be dropped on the perp's head.
Marwan strapped the warhead to a missile? This guy is so badass. He totally doesn't mess around, especially with the four-minute launch countdown. A lesser terrorist would have made it 30 minutes just to create tension. Not Marwan. He just wants people to die so he can go home and listen to Norah Jones to relax.
Yay! The Bauer shot Marwan! Now he's poking his gun at him. And there comes the creepy smile and the wild look in Bauer's left eye. Watch out kids, the Bauer has entered the Dark Side and since he's naturally violent, this means he'll just turn into a creepy middle-aged man.
Marwan picked up on this as well, which is why he requested to die. He played it up like he was done with his job, but in reality he's just incredibly homophobic. There's always more terrorism to commit, but there's only so much man-gun-love a terrorist can take.
Speculation on the final destination of warhead missile
1. Canada, making Marwan a patriot and The Bauer a terrorist for trying to stop him for the past 20 plus hours.
2. Missouri. In the immortal words of Abe Simpson. "I'll be in a cold, cold grave before I recognize Missouri as a state!"
3. China. Ah the irony.
4. Nowhere. The missile is a dud thanks to shoddy handy work from a factory in Detroit that boasts the slogan "Three working missiles out of six is better than none!"
5.9.05
There are only a few actions a man can do to get a woman to forgive him when he does something wrong like trip and fall on her cat or indirectly kill her husband. Saying you're sorry and giving her a hug isn't one of them. Giving her a box of candy and paying her car insurance for a year would have been better. Candy is yummy and car insurance is annoying unless you crash into a lot of things.
The Bauer is going to have to realize that he's not built for a relationship. The job is the only thing that loves him back. When he tries to love other people or things, the job punishes him by killing them or sending them away. The job is jealous of anyone that the Bauer looks at. If Bauer isn't careful, the job will lure him completely to the dark side and cause him to do weird creep things.
A big "hey now" to Chloe moving in on the Bauer with the whole "I'm here for you" play. Being there for someone in relationship need means you want to throw that person up against the wall and do nasty dirty things to them.
I shudder to think what sort of weird experience that would be for the Bauer. He must have come to the same conclusion since he shot Chloe the "Are you serious" glance. Apparently he already read the memo Buchanan sent out about Chloe's "personality disorder" and doesn't want to date the weird chic at work.
Since the days of the cavemen, the tradition of doing something bad and lying about it to everyone you know has been passed down from generation to generation. It has reached such high places as the White House and low places like your mom's bedroom.
The Palmer had to deal with lying to a country. This is on par with lying to your mom about what you did (or didn't do) on a Saturday night with your friends. You have to tread carefully with this because if you mess up you could be at war with your mom or a country. Both are equally bad and can cause the same amount of casualties.
Blaming someone else is key, especially when you have factual evidence to back up your claims. That's why you always made friends with the bad kids in school. In case you got in trouble, you could always blame them.
The kids who didn't befriend the bad kids in school turned into people like the spineless President Logan who looks at you with bugged-out eyes and whines "Why did you do that?!?"
And c'mon, a billion Chinese at war with you? Yea, that's only if the bums and the millions of fast food owners get their pitchforks and start throwing them towards us. They just discovered capitalism and electricity. They also shoot their own people half the time when they are actually armed with guns. I don't think we have that much to worry about. That is, unless they combine capitalism and electricity. And start aiming correctly instead of squeezing the trigger in a fit of rage. Then we're screwed.
I wish Bauer's A-Team came up with their alibis or at least discussed the option to for a couple of minutes. Then we could have heard Curtis, The Bauer, or the two other random guys say one of the following.
1. "We were at Fridays."
2. "I was in the bathroom. And I wouldn't go in there for at least an hour."
3. "I tripped and fell on a cat"
It didn't matter anyway since random guy #2 (aka The Mask) screwed it all up because he allowed the Chinese soldier to reveal his face for the camera. Luckily for The Mask, he had the option of running away in a helicopter and probably headed to Vegas. If you've done wrong, that's the place to go to feel right.
Chang has to settle down with his accusations, though he's probably more pissed that someone got him up at 3 in the morning. He didn't even believe that the non-Asian guy could have been part of a group that wants to see China go down. The Bauer should have simply replied "Dude, everyone hates China" and left it at that.
More plot teasing with Bitchelle and Tony. Maybe if they utter one romantic line to each other in each episode, they would have completed the entire "I want you back" conversation by the end of the season.
And nice segue by Tony to initiate the relationship talk with Bitchelle.
"Imagine. I saw them hours ago and they seemed totally right for each other. And now, everything is ruined. Which reminds me of us, except the opposite. Yea, let's do it."
Buchanan deserves to lose Bitchelle to Tony. There are two things you don't leave Tony alone with in a room and that is women and beer.
Where the hell was Edgar? I was concerned at the midpoint of the episode because despite the very talented agents at CTU, it is not that easy to hide a fat man. Could it be that he finally got something to eat?
It must have been one of those stupid subs (AKA Subway. I hate Jared and I know I'm not alone) since he blew the cover-up completely. It's always the fat guy that ruins it for everyone else. And it's always because the fat guy was left out of the party.
It sucks to be CTU and playing Where's Warhead?, especially since the area they have to search in is the middle of the country where every thing and everyone looks the same. If the warhead was wearing a striped red and white hat and glasses, then maybe CTU would have a chance.
There is a 300-mile radius and, thanks to some creative background checking there is a guy that gave Marwan a "super weggie" in 1996. No one likes weggies, especially when the underwear disappears into your ass. And if you've had one done to you, then you know the pain and embarrassment is grounds for a warhead to be dropped on the perp's head.
Marwan strapped the warhead to a missile? This guy is so badass. He totally doesn't mess around, especially with the four-minute launch countdown. A lesser terrorist would have made it 30 minutes just to create tension. Not Marwan. He just wants people to die so he can go home and listen to Norah Jones to relax.
Yay! The Bauer shot Marwan! Now he's poking his gun at him. And there comes the creepy smile and the wild look in Bauer's left eye. Watch out kids, the Bauer has entered the Dark Side and since he's naturally violent, this means he'll just turn into a creepy middle-aged man.
Marwan picked up on this as well, which is why he requested to die. He played it up like he was done with his job, but in reality he's just incredibly homophobic. There's always more terrorism to commit, but there's only so much man-gun-love a terrorist can take.
Speculation on the final destination of warhead missile
1. Canada, making Marwan a patriot and The Bauer a terrorist for trying to stop him for the past 20 plus hours.
2. Missouri. In the immortal words of Abe Simpson. "I'll be in a cold, cold grave before I recognize Missouri as a state!"
3. China. Ah the irony.
4. Nowhere. The missile is a dud thanks to shoddy handy work from a factory in Detroit that boasts the slogan "Three working missiles out of six is better than none!"
5.03.2005
Lost in Translation
2 a.m. to 3 a.m.
5.2.05
Watch out America. The terrorists have a warhead. And it's not just any warhead, it's an S-series, which means it was made by BMW and not only can it detonate in 5.4 seconds, but it is also iPod compatible so the bomb can listen to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" before it crashes into a building.
The Palmer is back and he's already got wimpy Logan to leave to the conference room so he can cry about being a crappy president. Of course he's not in the West Wing. He's a wuss and his acting sucks. The writers must hate Logan too since they give him the worst lines.
"The terrorists have this warhead. Help me find it."
As if the warhead was a set of keys or the remote control that Logan lost under the couch while eating a slice of pizza and scratching his ass. I hate that guy almost as much as I hate looking under my couch and finding a discarded warhead instead of the remote control. Between that and losing my socks in the laundry, I am one static-electric shock from burning down this apartment.
Audrey's going to Massachusetts with half-dead Paul? What is up with this chick? Suddenly she's turned from the hot Sheryl Crow looking girl to the Bauer-hating she-bitch that is ready to leave with some guy with a spinal-chord injury. Women will always leave you for a guy who has a minimal chance of survival. Why? Because deep down inside all women want a Lifetime movie to be about her life.
It's been awhile since we've had some crazies on the show, so it was nice to see this Jen girl call in to check on Tony. And who gets a direct line to CTU? Is there an ad in the yellowpages or something?
"Seen any minorities with guns, suspicious bookmarks on your boyfriend's computer, or a warhead under your couch? Then call 1-800-The-Bauer to get any of our young attractive operators who are standing by to take your inane calls. And if you call within the next 20 minutes with a genuine lead, you get a free coffee mug."
It would have been better if Jen Crazy showed up at CTU with her Wal-Mart outfit and created a scene.
"How could you be here? Remember when we met at the 24-hour Wal-Mart and you helped me stack the toilet paper because you had nothing else better to do? What happened to that guy? I miss him."
There may be hope for Bitchelle after all now that she's shown her girlish feelings for Tony.
"Do you love her?"
That's a really dumb question though. No one could love anyone who works for Wal-Mart, which was exemplified with Tony's silent "Hell no" shake of the head.
Aside from romantic love lingering in the air, we have weird love between Edgar and Chloe. Behind their sarcastic remarks and equal distaste for each other, there is something erupting underneath. It's just a shame no one will want to see it. If it does happen, expect a collective "Oh MAN!" from the CTU staff as they shield their eyes from the scene.
Edgar does have some competition with Chloe since the Bauer used his "boyfriend voice" with Chloe to see if she was ok. If it's one thing Edgar doesn't have, it's a "boyfriend voice"…or a boyfriend belly for that matter. He could seriously crush her if he ever gets on top, and that's assuming he could get up the stairs into the bedroom.
I've always wanted to see the Bauer invade a county and I guess infiltrating the Chinese consulate is the closest thing I'm ever going to see. And how does one invade and extract a terrorist suspect from a consulate? Follow the Bauer plan.
1. One ski mask so when people see you, they know you possess ill intentions
2. One Chinese interpreter so you can understand the swear words
3. One dart gun because darts are more annoying than bullets
4. One black man because Chinese people are scared to death of them
It was fitting to see a slew of Chinese people with guns on television. Just today, CNN had a story about how Asians are misrepresented on television.
As always, FOX makes everyone look foolish by going that extra mile. When Law & Order or Desperate Housewives attempt to bring in one Asian character on the show, 24 will enlist the use of an entire country.
Sure, they are still bad, but it's refreshing to see Asians as terrorists as opposed to a drunken karate master or a food delivery guy. Now Asians will be seen as people who can blow the crap out of your country instead of the guy who leaves menus taped to your door that you're just going to throw in the street.
The Bauer doesn't see things or people in color. He only sees things and people in how they can serve his purpose. In his escape from the Chinese palace, the Asian terrorist was used as a human shield. I heard in an upcoming episode he's going to use a Quiznos Sub as a beating stick. Because it's toasted, they hurt more.
It's amazing that 20 people couldn't hit a man running out of their building but could hit the non-moving guy who was shouting "Stop!" And don't give me the you couldn't tell who was bad or good crap. He's the only white guy in there with a ski mask on. Hello? Ski mask = ill intentions. Did you not see the memo?
There is a defense to torture. Speak a different language. The look of utter disappointment was pretty apparent when the interpreter asked the Bauer what he wanted to do.
"We'll just give him what he wants. You can't torture a foreigner. Your threats get lost in translation."
You know what else gets lost in translation? When you force a doctor at gunpoint to stop working on your girlfriend's husband to fix up a terrorist suspect. Oh, and then the husband dies despite the Bauer playing doctor for a couple of minutes.
Random Thought: You can tell blood is filling up in someone's lungs by putting your ear to their chest? Do you hear a "glug glug" sound or something? And if I hear that in my belly, does that mean blood is filling up down there too?
It's also hard to believe that CTU only has one doctor who can perform a surgery. This is the place where the Bauer works and I'm sure this isn't the first time he's wheeled in two different guys who were shot because of him.
I'll be impressed if the Bauer can scam his way back to Audrey, especially after pulling the gun on the doctor and forcing him to leave half-dead Paul. Hmm, choosing between the welfare of the country or getting laid later that night. That sucks.
And hearing your girlfriend yell "You son of a bitch! I hate you! It's your fault he's dead!" isn't very promising either. The last time I heard those words was when my buddy came home from a bachelor party. I'd go into the details, but you'd probably puke on the computer.
But if anyone can get away with having a bachelor party that consists of breaking the law, using an Asian man as a human shield, and killing your girlfriend's husband, it's the Bauer. In fact, I think I just figured out what I'm gonna do for mine if I ever get married.
5.2.05
Watch out America. The terrorists have a warhead. And it's not just any warhead, it's an S-series, which means it was made by BMW and not only can it detonate in 5.4 seconds, but it is also iPod compatible so the bomb can listen to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" before it crashes into a building.
The Palmer is back and he's already got wimpy Logan to leave to the conference room so he can cry about being a crappy president. Of course he's not in the West Wing. He's a wuss and his acting sucks. The writers must hate Logan too since they give him the worst lines.
"The terrorists have this warhead. Help me find it."
As if the warhead was a set of keys or the remote control that Logan lost under the couch while eating a slice of pizza and scratching his ass. I hate that guy almost as much as I hate looking under my couch and finding a discarded warhead instead of the remote control. Between that and losing my socks in the laundry, I am one static-electric shock from burning down this apartment.
Audrey's going to Massachusetts with half-dead Paul? What is up with this chick? Suddenly she's turned from the hot Sheryl Crow looking girl to the Bauer-hating she-bitch that is ready to leave with some guy with a spinal-chord injury. Women will always leave you for a guy who has a minimal chance of survival. Why? Because deep down inside all women want a Lifetime movie to be about her life.
It's been awhile since we've had some crazies on the show, so it was nice to see this Jen girl call in to check on Tony. And who gets a direct line to CTU? Is there an ad in the yellowpages or something?
"Seen any minorities with guns, suspicious bookmarks on your boyfriend's computer, or a warhead under your couch? Then call 1-800-The-Bauer to get any of our young attractive operators who are standing by to take your inane calls. And if you call within the next 20 minutes with a genuine lead, you get a free coffee mug."
It would have been better if Jen Crazy showed up at CTU with her Wal-Mart outfit and created a scene.
"How could you be here? Remember when we met at the 24-hour Wal-Mart and you helped me stack the toilet paper because you had nothing else better to do? What happened to that guy? I miss him."
There may be hope for Bitchelle after all now that she's shown her girlish feelings for Tony.
"Do you love her?"
That's a really dumb question though. No one could love anyone who works for Wal-Mart, which was exemplified with Tony's silent "Hell no" shake of the head.
Aside from romantic love lingering in the air, we have weird love between Edgar and Chloe. Behind their sarcastic remarks and equal distaste for each other, there is something erupting underneath. It's just a shame no one will want to see it. If it does happen, expect a collective "Oh MAN!" from the CTU staff as they shield their eyes from the scene.
Edgar does have some competition with Chloe since the Bauer used his "boyfriend voice" with Chloe to see if she was ok. If it's one thing Edgar doesn't have, it's a "boyfriend voice"…or a boyfriend belly for that matter. He could seriously crush her if he ever gets on top, and that's assuming he could get up the stairs into the bedroom.
I've always wanted to see the Bauer invade a county and I guess infiltrating the Chinese consulate is the closest thing I'm ever going to see. And how does one invade and extract a terrorist suspect from a consulate? Follow the Bauer plan.
1. One ski mask so when people see you, they know you possess ill intentions
2. One Chinese interpreter so you can understand the swear words
3. One dart gun because darts are more annoying than bullets
4. One black man because Chinese people are scared to death of them
It was fitting to see a slew of Chinese people with guns on television. Just today, CNN had a story about how Asians are misrepresented on television.
As always, FOX makes everyone look foolish by going that extra mile. When Law & Order or Desperate Housewives attempt to bring in one Asian character on the show, 24 will enlist the use of an entire country.
Sure, they are still bad, but it's refreshing to see Asians as terrorists as opposed to a drunken karate master or a food delivery guy. Now Asians will be seen as people who can blow the crap out of your country instead of the guy who leaves menus taped to your door that you're just going to throw in the street.
The Bauer doesn't see things or people in color. He only sees things and people in how they can serve his purpose. In his escape from the Chinese palace, the Asian terrorist was used as a human shield. I heard in an upcoming episode he's going to use a Quiznos Sub as a beating stick. Because it's toasted, they hurt more.
It's amazing that 20 people couldn't hit a man running out of their building but could hit the non-moving guy who was shouting "Stop!" And don't give me the you couldn't tell who was bad or good crap. He's the only white guy in there with a ski mask on. Hello? Ski mask = ill intentions. Did you not see the memo?
There is a defense to torture. Speak a different language. The look of utter disappointment was pretty apparent when the interpreter asked the Bauer what he wanted to do.
"We'll just give him what he wants. You can't torture a foreigner. Your threats get lost in translation."
You know what else gets lost in translation? When you force a doctor at gunpoint to stop working on your girlfriend's husband to fix up a terrorist suspect. Oh, and then the husband dies despite the Bauer playing doctor for a couple of minutes.
Random Thought: You can tell blood is filling up in someone's lungs by putting your ear to their chest? Do you hear a "glug glug" sound or something? And if I hear that in my belly, does that mean blood is filling up down there too?
It's also hard to believe that CTU only has one doctor who can perform a surgery. This is the place where the Bauer works and I'm sure this isn't the first time he's wheeled in two different guys who were shot because of him.
I'll be impressed if the Bauer can scam his way back to Audrey, especially after pulling the gun on the doctor and forcing him to leave half-dead Paul. Hmm, choosing between the welfare of the country or getting laid later that night. That sucks.
And hearing your girlfriend yell "You son of a bitch! I hate you! It's your fault he's dead!" isn't very promising either. The last time I heard those words was when my buddy came home from a bachelor party. I'd go into the details, but you'd probably puke on the computer.
But if anyone can get away with having a bachelor party that consists of breaking the law, using an Asian man as a human shield, and killing your girlfriend's husband, it's the Bauer. In fact, I think I just figured out what I'm gonna do for mine if I ever get married.
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