1.31.2006

To The Pain

Noon to 1 p.m.
1.30.06

There is a special division within the government that allows ordinary citizens to become part of the political process. These people are called interns. Sometimes their job is as simple as getting the coffee or donating bodily organs to Dick Cheney. Other times it's creating a sex scandal so the American public is too interested in the word "blowjob" instead of the word "Somalia."

Jack Bauer has now joined the prestigious group known as Washington DC Interns.
He's unpaid, he's second-guessed by everyone, and, like most interns, is completely unnoticed until he either screws something up or kills someone.

It was nice to see the reunion of Novick and Jack, especially when it came from a secretive text message. As always, Jack still has to learn how to save time with texts. The "Tell no one" could have easily been replaced with a "Shh!" smiley that comes standard with any chat program.

It's still amazing that with everything going on, the show finds time to squeeze in a love triangle. Even more amazing than that? I care about it.

The little girl inside of me was slowly curling up into a ball when Jack said he was still in love with Sheryl Crow. I may have even allowed a tiny "aww" to escape my lips when he growled "I've never stopped loving you" into the phone. Though after that I rammed my testicles into the closet door and threw down a couple of shots of Jack Daniels just to feel like a man again.

Whenever a girl wants to talk about her feelings, it's at the worst possible time. Not even a secret political meeting will deter a girl from putting off the "Do you still love me?" conversation. Guys don't have feelings. We consistently ram our balls into things to make sure of it.

It's a shame Curly Sue and Hanson never knew the crazy, every-second-counts-so-make-me-a-sandwich Jack Bauer. They only knew Frank Flynn, a boring guy who liked to mend fences and enjoyed Lifetime movies.

At least Curly Sue knew what she was up against, thanks to how Jack and Sheryl Crow were looking at each other. Women can tell two things from looks: how you feel about someone and what kind of mess you made in the bathroom. Incidentally, the looks for "You make me sad" and "I missed the toilet…again" are the same.

It's a good thing there was a video to explain to people what happens when you get exposed to nerve gas. I'm sure a small part of Logan was thinking it only made you nervous for a couple of hours.

But are we so dumb that a video on the affects of nerve gas is warranted? Couldn't an ambiguous "That shit will fuck you up" suffice? And why do I keep thinking nerve gas emits an awful kind of smell? If it doesn't, then I think it should.

According to the video, you feel disoriented before you start losing control of your senses and hit the floor. There has to be more than that. I'm going to feel like that ten minutes into the State of the Union.

Other things that have the same affect on me as nerve gas:

-The State of the Union
-Renaissance Fairs
-Reruns of MASH

Crazytown is doing what she can to get the truth out and that's by playing an impromptu game of hide-and-seek. And quite poorly I might add. Hiding in the stables never works, unless you look or smell like a horse.

And besides, everyone knows the best place to hide is your dad's closet where there's always a chance to find porn, firearms, or drugs. If you grew up in my house, you found the Communist Manifesto, which is like porn except sexier.

The nerve gas was never going to Moscow (the Cold War is still dead. The wait for Red Dawn II continues). Instead, it's heading to southeast Asia to prove to the world that the terrorists there have WMDs, allowing the US to throw more "peacekeeping" troops over there, which in turn will ensure future generations oil.

Yea, there's no way that sort of plan could backfire. That's as foolproof as introducing democracy to a country and not letting the terrorist group garner a political seat.

It's fitting that prior to the nerve gas, there was only one storage unit with medical supplies going to Southeast Asia. It's not like that region of the world needs medical supplies. I'm sure they would all be happier with magazines and day-old donuts instead. Why does the world hate the US again? Oh right, we kick ass in the Olympics.

It was about time Old Man Buchanan ripped into Rudy about being too young. At least the old man gave the whippersnapper some advice.
"You need experience, you need to make decisions faster, and you need a name change.
I can't respect a boy named Lynn. I can only kill them. (old man pauses and looks off into the distance) All male Lynns must die."

"You've read my file, so you know what I'll do. First, I'll take your right eye and then your left…"

Bauer is referencing fighting to the pain, a technique from the movie the Princess Bride, where one leaves the victim completely deformed except for his ears.

"So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, 'Dear God! What is that thing,' will echo in your perfect ears."

(Next week: Jack Bauer engages in a land war with Asia and goes against a Sicilian when death is on the line, only to live to tell about it.)

Though in the world of 24, To the Pain involves a box cutter to the eye and getting yelled at by Jack Bauer. I'm actually surprised Cummings' girlfriend didn't call him in the middle of it. Her telling him she wanted to talk about her feelings would have completed the trifecta of pain and left Cummings yelling "Just take the eye!"

That's right girls, guys will do ANYTHING to get out of talking about their feelings.

1.24.2006

Citizen on Patrol

11 a.m. to noon
1.23.06

You can't use a gun to kill Jack Bauer. At the very least you need a shotgun, a wild boar, and a dancing clown (to scare and confuse him into submission) to even have a shot at taking Bauer down. If not, all you'll do is crack the man's rib and he's lived with a pair of blue balls and electronic clamps on his nipples. I think he'll survive.

Spencer was in Internal Affairs, which can only be another jab at Chloe having sex this season. I was quite disappointed that there was no torture scene where Spencer would weep like a little girl. Either they got that memo from McCain or they figured seeing Chloe's "O" face was torture enough.

At least Edgar got a date out of all this. Once the day is over, he gets to know all of Chloe's secrets. Here's a short list of what to expect:

-she was featured on MTV's Made where she spent two grueling months trying to become a cheerleader (she didn't make it)
-she's a MAC user who secretly wants to buy a Dell
-refuses to eat cereal or hot pockets. Also refuses to give reasons as to why

It's still suspect whether or not Edgar will get to go on his date, especially since the odds of a fat man getting what he wants is quite low (unless that something is an extra large with everything on it. Then he's golden).

Catfight Level: Blue (Homeland Security has been notified and the National Guard has been put on stand-by.)

I really thought it was going to happen between Curly Sue and Sheryl Crow, especially after this exchange.

"Did you know him before?"
"Yea, I knew him before…he liked whores with curly hair."

POW! They hit the floor, the catfight alarm goes off, and Edgar starts making bets. Just one minute of cat-fighting is all that is keeping this show from being deemed the greatest of all time, surpassing Saved by the Bell and Coach.

Jack's been forgiven for killing Sheryl Crow's husband, but I bet she still pissed about the time he left the toilet seat up. Women can get over most mistakes, but they'll never forget a wet ass in the morning…especially if you forgot to flush.

Crazytown is being sent to the one place crazy people don't want to go: Vermont. Its hippie-living ways and ice cream only intensifies the craziness and often results in a person killing themselves or requesting a frontal lobotomy done by a cross-eyed lumberjack with a butter-knife. Cross-eyed lumberjacks are one of the three things the state is famous for. The other two are drugs and skiing.

Again, she becomes smart half-way through the episode (haha and she's played by the actress Jean Smart! Ok I'm a dork. Screw you all). But after that bottle of pills (probably Pez. I've heard Pez calms you down) she has enough sense to quietly sneak out the window. Yea, and Mulan packing her bag didn't hear anything? She's playing dumb or she's deaf. Either way, she's perfect for the White House.

I was also hoping for a shot of Crazytown running up the street with her arms flailing in the air. But I was already denied a cat fight earlier, so I'm getting used to disappointment.

Walt's creepy and not because he's going against the president or because he wants to kill Bauer. He touched Crazytown…and I'm starting to think he liked it. Maybe this isn't about terrorism after all. Maybe it's about love. Maybe Walt was so blinded by his love for Crazytown that he hatched this crazy plan to steal nerve gas and alter her call with Palmer.

All that, just so she would finally notice him. Sure it's ill conceived, but it's also devastatingly romantic. I may have just uncovered the greatest Valentine's Day present ever…scratch that, I just made myself puke. Actually that's a good present to give to someone you hate. Hmm….

They staged a hostage situation for nerve gas? Wouldn't it have been easier to feed a dozen fat guys beans and hot sauce and let them loose in the city? I guess I was wrong. Fat men's dreams can come true. Edgar may still have a chance.

Nerve gas. It's not as powerful as the nuke, but in terms of annoying the crap out of you, it's right up there with reruns of MASH and the drunk guy at the party. Or maybe the nerve gas will be used to purchase something worse like naked pictures of Donald Rumsfeld. Then the terrorists will plaster them everywhere and watch as people throw themselves off of bridges to escape the horror.

But now they've sniffed out the patsy in CTU and the mole in the White House. And though they don't have evidence, they have Bauer, a citizen on patrol who only answers to the little man inside of him. And the little man is telling him that it'll be a cold day in hell before he takes orders from a Goonie. I fully expect this to be like Police Academy 4, only this time I'll be laughing.

1.17.2006

My Balls are on Fire

9 a.m. to 11 a.m.
1.16.06

I love Jack Bauer's satchel and I can't wait to see what else he has in that bag of tricks. I'm sure Old Navy will capitalize on it and start selling the Freedom Satchel next fall for $29.99. So far he's procured sunglasses, a camera phone, and a scope. I expect to see ninja stars and maybe a voodoo doll of President Logan soon.

Logan still reminds me of Nixon, with his big ears and rounded nose. Is it just a coincidence that there has already been something involving tapes and an office break-in for documents? At this rate we should be seeing more paranoia and some guy named Deepthroat hiding in the shadows.

I'm going to scream louder than any woman ever has in the next three seconds if you don't give me that key card. - Martha "I don't respect societal boundaries" Logan

I'm sure all of America was empathizing with urinal-guy because no one wants to see Crazytown show even a little skin. In fact, we won't feel safe until it's socially acceptable for people to wear bags over their head.

All her power comes from that right boob. It was exposed when she got the keycard from urinal-guy and it was the only one she trusted to hold the evidence she found. And how did she get sly all of a sudden? She knew to wait to talk to Logan and even put forth some degree of sleekness. It's either the drugs or she's bipolar since she went right back to being Crazytown towards the end, only to be robbed by Walt the Molester.

And how did she expect her assistant to cover for her when she sneaked out? There's only one way to successfully cover for a crazy person and that's to take an obscene amount of LSD.

But that's all secondary to the madness that is happening in the airport. Isn't it fitting that at first no one could find the baggage claim guy? He's been tossed away, like a forgotten piece of luggage. He should be left to rot with the ones he kept captive. I know the blue backpack I lost in New York City when I was eight would have wanted it that way.

It's sad that guy got shot just for trying to use his cellphone. He wasn't going to call the police. He, like everyone else there, was dying to text message this to all his friends:

Wtch Fxnews. Totally hostage rt now. Tel Oprah I wnt 2 b on her show

What the hell kind of phone did Bauer have? You're a part-time oil rigger who mends broken fences and you have the bank to get that thing? He should suffer like the rest of us with the fuzzy, pixilated photos that get spewed out of regular camera phones. Then again, maybe Curly Sue is really a suga-mama.

Yea, the mom is Curly Sue now because she has naturally curly hair and shrieks like a five-year-old. Though it wasn't Teri Bauer bad (Where's Kim? Where's Jack? I don't know who I am!), it didn't help her hotness level. She goes down to a seven, leaving her deadlocked with Sheryl Crow. Unless she gets sassy or starts shooting guns, she may lose Jack forever.

Which brings us to a name change for Emo Boy who, thanks to his crying and childish actions (I wanna tell Jack something!), he is now Hanson, the boy whose head was almost Mmmbopped off. At least the terrorist coached Hanson on how to breathe while kneeling in a puddle of blood. He must have thought he was part of the Hansons too. I heard they did have worldwide appeal, despite sounding like singing cheerleaders.

And if you remember correctly, Hanson was cool for about ten seconds before everyone wanted to kill them, which is the dilemma Jack had to deal with hiding out in the vents. He should have went with his gut and yelled "Just shoot him!" out of the vent.

Logan was even more annoying during the crisis. He acted like a ten-year-old who just found out the magician who makes balloon dinosaurs and farts out candy wasn't going to be at his birthday party.

But daddy, I want my summit now! -President Charles "Watch my eyes pop out of my skull" Logan

An anti-terrorism alliance is what he's been working on for the past 16 months? I mean, threatening a ban on gay marriage, nominating unqualified people to the Supreme Court, or even starting a war I can understand. That shit takes time.

But an anti-terrorism alliance is the weakest move that can be done in the playground of international relations. It never works because eventually the special needs kids (Iran, N. Korea, Cuba) gang up on the popular kids (USA, UK, Russia) once they finally get their hands on water balloons (it's tough to get figure out when to stop putting water in those things). Then the only people who are left are the honor students (Canada, France), only because they kept out of the entire thing.

There's a bottle of Absolute Vodka I have been saving in the freezer for a special occasion and tonight I finally broke it out because it looks like in the world of 24, Cold War II is unfolding.

These guys don't want money, they just want the alliance to be stopped. To top it off, they walk around with vests armed with explosives, which is a pretty accurate depiction of how workers are treated in Russia. (Ah, let the commie jokes begin.) Even though it's just television, Joe McCarthy is giggling in his grave and scrawling "I told you so" on the side of his coffin.

Again Jack is thwarted with the one thing that gets him every time: personal relationships. Why can't he just live alone? Then he'd be free to kill anyone and sacrifice as many innocents as he wanted.

I'm the reason all these people are going to die. -Derek "I don't know how to breathe properly" Huxley

I'm pretty sure that's a B-side on one of the Hanson albums too. Even scarier than that is the fact that now CTU has no clue what to do without Jack. With the amount of hi-jinks and cock-eyed theories these people come up with, how the hell did this place not implode in the past 18 months?

Without Jack, our success rate is less than 20 percent. -Chloe "I want you to want me" O'Brien

Even if Jack was blind, lost the use of his left hand, and possessed only one working testicle, CTU's success rate would still be over 50 percent. Without the him, they have no plan and that's a shame. Just ask a Philadelphia Eagles fan and they'll tell you how dumb it is to build an offense around one player.

So what do you do when the game is on the line? You do what any fighting Irish man or woman would do. You send that lovable Rudy in from the bench.

Hello Mr. Buchanan. I'll need your office Mr. Buchanan. -Lynn "I just graduated from high school" McGill

You can't blame Rudy for being so formal. He's been yelling "Mr. Frodo!" for the past four years. And besides he's only there because he's searching for One-Eyed Willy's other treasure map. Once he finds it, he'll blow his official Goonie whistle and Chunk, Data, and Mouth will soon be at his side, ready for action. Maybe a Fratelli will show up too just to see what's going on.

Rudy already had his day on the field (one sack recorded, less than two minutes playing time, one glorious movie), so now he wants to coach. But old man Buchanan isn't having it. He even treats Rudy like a child by giving him what he wants and sending him back to his room.

That only gave him time to think and where, I suspect, he brought out his trusty inhaler and took a couple of sucks before reading the transcripts. Only a Goonie would be able to figure out the hidden distress code from the Bauer and in classic Goonie fashion (No sign! No sign!), he saves the day in the last minute.

It's easy for everyone at CTU to forget that Flank Two Position was a distress code, especially since CTU updated to the more catchy "My balls are on fire" that is used extensively today

Come in from the north entrance at your own discretion, there are four armed targets, the hostages are to the southeast… my balls are on fire.

With the terrorists all dead and Jack shooting a gun out of someone's hand (marking the 512th time in my 24-watching career that I yelled "WHAT?" at the television screen), it's time to go home to CTU where his two girlfriends will meet (catfight. CAT. FIGHT.) and where his attention will turn to the infamous Yellow Tie Man and a crate full of what looks large thermos bottles.

Oh yea, and he's being brought into custody because the Bauer can't save people without pissing someone off. He even had to give up his Freedom Satchel, which will be hard to replace since Old Navy doesn't replace anything.

1.16.2006

Let the Madness Begin...

7 a.m. to 10 a.m.
1.15.06

The three things that had me howling at the television in the first 15 minutes:

Palmer getting it in the throat
The car bomb that took out Michelle and will eventually give Tony a speech impediment
Chloe had sex.


Hey now! How did that happen with Chloe? Has she been on a quest for the past 18 months to get laid? And out of all the guys at CTU, you picked Spencer? He looks like an intern or a horse jockey at best. And I don't trust him. He bagged Chloe and still mocked her from behind. Oh wait, that's normal for a guy.

"Don't worry. No one's going to think you're a slut."
"Why?"
"Cause you didn't move at all during those 15 seconds of passion I gave you
last night."

Dammit! Michelle is dead just when she was looking her hottest. It's nice to see that she and Tony have maintained the work relationship at home, being that she clearly outranks him. Then again, if I was married to Michelle, I'd let her walk all over me with stilettos on.

And they have a business? I bet they sold Tupperware together. It's only job where a person would gladly throw themselves in the middle of harm's way. But it doesn't matter. The car is going to blow up, throwing hercarcass on the lawn.

At least Tony survived the blast, though thanks to a hemorrhage or some crap hitting his skull, he'll have a speech impediment. I can't wait for him to shake his head in his bed and open his mouth with the voice of Elmer Fudd.

But the surprise that started it all, the death of Palmer. It finally happened. And wow was it easy. Are you kidding me? The entire first season was dedicated to that plot and these fools did it in 10 minutes. I guess no one had thought of shooting him from across a building yet.

Worry not. I heard he recently bought All-State's new assassination insurance. Even though he's dead, any surviving members of his family will get a big chunk of cash, a plaque with his picture on it, and a key chain that says "Are you in good hands?" when you press a button.

I can see the commercial now.
"Hi friends. I was David Palmer and if you're watching this, I've just been assassinated. And though my family's suffering mentally, they shouldn't have to suffer financially. So if you're a former president, a redhead, or that person who doesn't turn off their blinker when they're driving on the road, then Assassination insurance may be for you."

The Handyman

He's college educated, knows how to fire a gun, can kill you with a fist or a stern look, and the only work Frank Flynn can find is as an oil rigger and a part-time handyman around the house of his girlfriend who probably pays him with sweet, luscious peach cobbler.

But he's not Frank Flynn. He's the Bauer and he keeps a gun under the sofa cushion, just in case the pizza boy is late.

He's supposed to be hiding, so why does he have a girlfriend, not to mention one with a teenage son? The Bauer can take on terrorists, bombs, and spies. But apparently when he goes home, his man-tool rules his life, just like everyone else.

"I thought I was the kind of guy who could get a second chance at life. But
I'm not."

Well, maybe you are Bauer, but this is Fox, not Lifetime. When you stop getting pissed of and breaking car windows with your bare hands (WTF?), then you can be in a sappy movie about finding the woman of your dreams who has a dark past.

He does have the perfect cover though. MILFs are known to go after guys who don't open up all that much. In her eyes, Hot Mom probably thinks she's found the perfect man. Then again, she also thought she found love on Spin City but was dumped constantly.

Her son is another matter. Emo Boy (since he has long greasy hair and whines a lot) seems hell-bent on making sure that Frank doesn't ditch his mom. If only Bauer could slap him upside the head. But he's not that guy any more. He's Frank.and Frank's a big pussy who repairs fences.

But that is until he gets a call from Chloe and he runs out to his room and takes his satchel out from a hole in the wall. It's also complete with his fashionable pair of sunglasses, a must for anyone hiding from the Chinese government.

Finally the Bauer sheds off the wimpy Frank skin and starts punching people and stealing everything from cars to helicopters. But Emo Boy tracks him down, making the Bauer do something he hasn't done in a while: babysit.

"The only reason you're conscious right now is because I don't want to
carry you."

Somehow, some way, I'm going to say that to someone. And it will be awesome.I should get a gun first though. And maybe those sunglasses. At least towards the end the Bauer and Emo Boy had a man moment in the car where he laid out his entire reason lying. Though it's pretty obvious that Emo is more interested about this mysterious daughter that the Bauer has.

"He has a daughter.is she hot? Does she like greasy hair and music about
how bad I feel?"

And he admitted to Hot Mom that he lied to her. What are these lies you
ask?

The Lies of the Bauer
-His name
-The fact that he loves oil (he prefers solar energy)
-He likes to dance (the Bauer dances for no one)
-He likes making love in candlelight (he prefers sticks of dynamite)

Pretty badass killing the Palmer shooter yourself, even after promising to bring him to the hospital. He used mental torture and it worked. Screw you McCain. Torture works.

Crazy for You

So CTU is smart enough to figure out that Jack faked his own death and that the people who were recently killed all knew about it. But I love how quick they were ready to believe that Jack woke up one day and decided he wanted to kill everyone who knew his secret.

You could throw a paper airplane in there saying "Trust no one" and it would send the entire building into high alert. You don't need a bomb or a computer virus to bring CTU to its knees. All you need is mental confusion and a hapless fool like Buchanan to believe that anything is possible.

Even Edgar couldn't figure out that Chloe and Intern Spencer were getting busy. Though he was obviously crushed when he heard the news. Poor Edgar. Why don't girls want rolly-polly love?

The only person who knows what's up is Chloe who figured out that white vans and suspicious looking men always mean trouble. Never trust anything that comes out of a white van like children or clowns.

Apparently President Logan is also quick to assume Bauer is the culprit, making him even more useless as a president. And just when you thought his life couldn't get any wackier, we get introduced to Mrs. Logan, aka Crazytown.

She described herself as a wedding cake, threw her head in a sink of water, and to top it all off, she has delusions and loves conspiracy theories.

"I'm not crazy!" That's the mantra for crazy people everywhere. You'd think
she knew that already since it's on their business card.

What was Palmer going to tell Crazytown?
-Elvis isn't dead
-His secret stash of Girl Scout cookies in the White House
-Assassination Insurance
-Your husband is a tool

At least Logan has Walt, his Brokeback Cowboy who subtle longs for those precious moments alone with his man. He needs Walk since Logan looks like he could get rattled after a bowel movement.
"Ok what was THAT?"

And, surprise surpirse, the man who thought it would be a great idea to kill the Bauer last year ends up being part of the plan of mayhem. But he looks so innocent and loyal. Aw, Brokeback, I wish I knew how to quit you.

The Terror

There are 167 agents in Wayne Palmer's building and the Bauer doesn't even think twice about infiltrating it. Tells us why Chloe.
"Relax. He's good at this."

Hmm, the study is completely empty and of the multitude of FBI, Secret Service, and Bike Cops that are there, no one even thought of looking into Palmer's laptop. I guess it's easy to be smart when the local authorities are dumbasses. That's why terrorists target LA all the time. They can actually get away with it.

So a clue to who is setting Jack up as the shooter to the Palmer killing is the baggage claim supervisor? Makes sense. Those guys are malicious and will hold onto your luggage until you do "favors" for them. And I've heard that death pill is standard equipment because eventually, every baggage claim supervisor wants to die.

I like how the terrorist traveled in a UPS van, giving even more meaning to the slogan "What can Brown do for you?" Get those PSAs ready Fox. And the Ontario Airport? Are you serious? Were you going for the least amount of hostages possible? Do they even have real planes there?

So now that the truth is out and everyone knows Jack is alive, here's a list of arbitrary predictions.

Hot Mom (Diane, Jack's new woman): Gets drunk and does a bad rendition of Melloncamp's "Jack and Diane"

Tony: says "Taco" before he dies. Buchanan proclaims it as the "ultimate clue" for the day's events

Sheryl Crow (Audrey, Jack's old woman): Can someone say catfight?

Edgar: Joins the catfight to prove to Chloe he's more than just a friend

Chloe: has sex again...with Emo Boy

Intern Spencer: dies after thinking too hard

Crazytown (Mrs. Martha Logan): Eventually pretends that Palmer is still alive to cope with his death. Why? Because she's afraid of Virginia Woolf.

Walt: Leaves his shirt behind after he's killed. Logan hangs it up and smells it constantly saying "Oh Walt, I swear."

The Bauer: Changes his profile on his MySpace page to say:
"If you ever need anyone to pick you up in a helicopter, do your mom, or kill the guy who killed you, I'm your man."