2.26.07
4 p.m. to 5 p.m.
Jack just ordered CTU to arrest his father stating that “It’s complicated” as a reason. Wait, does that work? I don’t even have to say it’s complicated. Here’s a list of punishable offenses my old man commits on a daily basis
-breathing loudly
-complete disregard for personal hygiene
-his snore rattles the houses and scares neighborhood cats
-begins every conversation with the phrase “No, you’re wrong…”
-points to things he wants and grunts when you pick up the hammer instead of the mixed nuts.
Bauer is also planning to explain this complicated day to Josh, spawn of Bright Eyes and Dead Brother Bauer. That should be a fun bedtime story for Josh, especially the part when he finds out Jack and his mom banged once.
Josh: “You could’ve been my dad?”
Bauer: “I’m partly your dad. Bauer sperm never leaves a woman’s body. Never. This is why you have great anger and a predilection to torture.”
President Logan (Bug-Eyes) is back and bearded up for the occasion. It’s the standard issue beard, given to crazed movie stars, shamed political leaders, and bargain-bin Santas during the holidays.
Bug-Eyes pleaded guilty to everything and was put on house arrest, complete with the Secret Service and horses. The horses are there for companionship. The Secret Service is there in case Bug-Eyes attempts to elevate his relationship with the horses to “the next level.”
He’s also a changed man. Terrorism isn’t cool anymore, dressing himself is easy, and his best friend is the reflection he sees in the mirror. The Secret Service doesn’t care that his mind has slipped, just as long as he respects the personal space of Seabiscuit.
Bug-Eyes knows how to get to Crazy Ivan, the crazy Russian who is trying to start a war between the West and the Arabs so that they can destroy each other. Starting wars is also known as the Vizzini Plan and is a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition. What? It never works?! Inconceivable!
Nevertheless, the Russian is determined and, thanks to his impeccable house cleaning skills, has eluded capture from CTU, an agency that needs the trash you leave behind to find you.
Because there are no leads, Bug-Eyes wants to help, insisting that he wants nothing in return. He knows the Russian consulate and, if he meets him face-to-face, should be able to get the information CTU needs.
Bauer: “I don’t trust you.”
This is typical Bauer-speak. He says it to his enemies and to the hippies who hand out pamphlets to him on the street.
And wait, a consulate? Why is Jack going near a consulate? Does he really want to visit Russia that badly? Maybe he wants to go there to give the Rocky IV speech so that he can end this sequel to the Cold War.
Random: I’m glad 24 was brought to me courtesy of Victoria Secret tonight and even happier that it took them four commercials of half-naked women to sell…was it bras or prostitution? Either one is good in my book.
Bundy is raising suspicion at CTU because he armed a nuclear bomb earlier and he has a penchant for booze. He can’t go home to cry on his bed because CTU only has the budget to hire one really good tech guy. The rest of the money is wasted on cases of Yoo-Hoos and Jack Bauer bobbleheads that say “Who are you working for?” with the press of a button.
Sexy Nadia doesn’t trust Bundy and has done all she can to tell people he has to go (whispered in the hall, called him a fool in front of Old Man Buchanan, created a “fuck-up” folder complete with a stack of 8X10 glossy photographs with a paragraph on the back of each one).
Scowl Face continues to cover for Bundy, even though it turns out that he’s been walking around with a half bottle of booze in his back pocket. It would have been better if he got trashed at work and started singing Journey’s "Any Way You Want It." Instead, like a wuss, he dumped the booze into the sink.
Palmer 2.0 is looking for Tom Boy, his advisor who has ideas to lock up every brown person in America. Ironically, Tom Boy is imprisoned in a large room as his buddy Huckleberry (we got so close to seeing Chad Lowe cry tonight. It’s gotta come soon. It’s the only thing that guy knows how to do well…besides getting dumped).
Huckleberry has brought in “a specialist,” who was easy enough to get past the Secret Service because “specialist” translates to “harmless dork” in their language. Unfortunately, this specialist has been trained to turn a voice recorder into a bomb using liquid from highlighters. I shudder to think what kind of bomb a Sharpie could produce.
The bomb must be placed near Beard (the terrorist turned good) and Palmer 2.0 must be within ten feet of the blast radius. Huckleberry is given the task of placing the bomb, even though the idea of “killing the president” has “just hit him,” as if he thought of this plan during an extended bowel movement and never believed it would work.
The bomb is placed in the podium where Beard and Palmer 2.0 will make their “All You Need is Love” speech to the world. Huckleberry has the detonation code, punches it in, and holds back the tears. But Beard, the trained terrorist that he is, noticed the brown goo dripping around the podium and screamed “bomb!”
In the end, Beard looked pretty mangled as did Palmer 2.0, furthering the notion that presidents are expendable in the world of 24 and that the Palmer family should give up politics and just run a farm in the Midwest where the only enemies you have are the weather and the horny badger who lives in the woods.
2.27.2007
2.20.2007
Drunk on Whiskey
2.19.07
3 p.m. to 4 p.m.
I love it when a CTU techie ends up in the field. It’s like watching a fat man swim in the ocean. You just really hope he makes it out alive.
Stache was that lucky techie and he was armed with a pistol and a big dumpster. His primary mission: protect Bright Eyes, the wife of Dead Brother Bauer. His secondary mission: don’t die.
Bright Eyes was told to run to the ally while Stache covered her. She didn’t listen, which is understandable since people ignore 90 percent of what tech support says. Stache is shot in the arm and Bright Eyes is taken, though not before Bauer shows up, armed with a pistol and crazy rage. You can beat a pistol, but there’s no defense over crazy rage.
Bad Drone: “I will kill her.”
Bauer: “Put down your weapon or I will use mine.”
Bad Drone: “Oh man…you’re gonna use that thing? Like for reals? Ok ok, it’s cool. Just don’t throw it at me or anything.”
Crazy rage also drives a man to grab a woman’s throat and push her up against a wall. Bright Eyes, respecting the rage, yells out that Papa Bauer is behind the house blowing up Jack’s CTU team. This calms him. I guess I lied. There is a defense against crazy rage and that’s unresolved daddy issues.
Bundy shows us once again why he’s more qualified to be a shoe salesman than a CTU agent. When he’s not arming nuclear bombs for the enemy, he’s binge drinking whiskey in alleys next to convenience stores.
There are certain ways whiskey can help a person. There are also ways whiskey can harm a person. Here’s quick list.
Whiskey can help with:
-courage
-hiding shame
-public speaking
-writing blogs
Whiskey can impair your ability to:
-have sex
-drive
-set fires
-draw
Unfortunately, we’ll never know what whiskey would have done to Bundy since he spit it straight out and gulped some Altoids to deal with the smell. Silly. The only thing that hides whiskey is weed.
From there, Bundy returns to CTU after “taking a walk” and resumes his post after splashing his brain with booze. He’s back to being steady, though Scowl-Face, who has already smelled the whiskey (If you can’t hide the smell of whiskey, than Altoids has no business calling themselves a mint). She informs him that she’ll be watching him and that he should contact his sponsor, furthering the notion that AA is just for quitters.
Everyone wants Palmer 2.0 dead. It’s not a race thing. Really. It’s a political thing. Pay no attention to the lack of black staffers Palmer 2.0 has.
Even if it’s not race, the cabinet feels Palmer 2.0 has botched up the dire situation in the country long enough. Tom Boy is instrumental in the plot to assassinate the president and has given Huckleberry Palmer 2.0’s itinerary. The plot involves a “security specialist,” Beard to take the fall (the visiting terrorist turned good), and a set of steak knives. It’s really complicated.
Tom Boy, after being reassured by the president that his opinion still matters, has second thoughts and informs the secret service of the plot. Huckleberry overhears the conversation and whips Tom Boy with a flashlight, rendering him unconscious. Shame on you Tom. You failed to protect the president AND you got beat by Chad Lowe. With a flashlight.
Bauer is dealing with Papa Bauer, who has held Josh, son of Bright Eyes and the only Bauer who hasn’t been contaminated with altruistic patriotism. If he is to be saved, he should be exposed to video games and pornography. When the CIA wants to kill patriotism, that’s what they use.
The Bad Drone has been turned and is incredibly cooperative towards Jack. Bright Eyes gives up the real address for Crazy Ivan (Gen. Gredenko, the Russian who is using brown people to explode Nukes on the US soil and who has some gnarly hair).
But in order for Bright Eyes to see her son again, she has to get Papa Bauer to give up his location. To make sure that happens, Bauer instructs Bright Eyes how to talk to his father.
-Don’t ask him about his work
-Be calm and nod your head while he talks, but don’t listen. Don’t let his madness in.
-If he doesn’t answer you or pass the mashed potatoes, say “This is not a negotiation.”
Those are the same rules with my father unless he's drunk. When that happens, you just wait for him to pass out and place him in a corner till he wakes up looking for food.
Papa Bauer tells his drone where he is and takes Josh, who has seen the scary side of Gramps, to another part of the building. When Bauer storms in, the hotel room is empty and a call is waiting for him.
(cue Cat Stevens’ “Father and Son”…now)
Jack pleads with Papa and offers himself as a trade for Josh’s life. Papa agrees. Jack gives his “point-and-shoot” gun to Bright Eyes for protection, which is better than his digital gun that allows you to adjust the zoom, lighting, and focus.
The trade goes smoothly, allowing father and son to have a moment together. Papa says he’s a patriot, that he was trying to prevent this day from happening, and that he never wanted it to end up like this.
Jack, now on his knees, says he had to go his own way and do things for himself and that he was never good enough for his Papa and that he was sorry. He’s also ready to die. When he doesn’t, he turns around and sees Papa is gone. Ah, the unheard heart-to-heart conversation with your father that ends when you realize you’re alone. I know how Bauer feels all too well.
Outside of the room, Bauer finds a cell phone waiting for him. On it is a message for Jack to call a certain number. It’s Bug-Eyes and he has grown a tasteful beard since season 5. Bug-Eyes is also an example of what happens to a person when they don’t drink whiskey. So unless you want treason and disgrace in your future, drink well and often.
3 p.m. to 4 p.m.
I love it when a CTU techie ends up in the field. It’s like watching a fat man swim in the ocean. You just really hope he makes it out alive.
Stache was that lucky techie and he was armed with a pistol and a big dumpster. His primary mission: protect Bright Eyes, the wife of Dead Brother Bauer. His secondary mission: don’t die.
Bright Eyes was told to run to the ally while Stache covered her. She didn’t listen, which is understandable since people ignore 90 percent of what tech support says. Stache is shot in the arm and Bright Eyes is taken, though not before Bauer shows up, armed with a pistol and crazy rage. You can beat a pistol, but there’s no defense over crazy rage.
Bad Drone: “I will kill her.”
Bauer: “Put down your weapon or I will use mine.”
Bad Drone: “Oh man…you’re gonna use that thing? Like for reals? Ok ok, it’s cool. Just don’t throw it at me or anything.”
Crazy rage also drives a man to grab a woman’s throat and push her up against a wall. Bright Eyes, respecting the rage, yells out that Papa Bauer is behind the house blowing up Jack’s CTU team. This calms him. I guess I lied. There is a defense against crazy rage and that’s unresolved daddy issues.
Bundy shows us once again why he’s more qualified to be a shoe salesman than a CTU agent. When he’s not arming nuclear bombs for the enemy, he’s binge drinking whiskey in alleys next to convenience stores.
There are certain ways whiskey can help a person. There are also ways whiskey can harm a person. Here’s quick list.
Whiskey can help with:
-courage
-hiding shame
-public speaking
-writing blogs
Whiskey can impair your ability to:
-have sex
-drive
-set fires
-draw
Unfortunately, we’ll never know what whiskey would have done to Bundy since he spit it straight out and gulped some Altoids to deal with the smell. Silly. The only thing that hides whiskey is weed.
From there, Bundy returns to CTU after “taking a walk” and resumes his post after splashing his brain with booze. He’s back to being steady, though Scowl-Face, who has already smelled the whiskey (If you can’t hide the smell of whiskey, than Altoids has no business calling themselves a mint). She informs him that she’ll be watching him and that he should contact his sponsor, furthering the notion that AA is just for quitters.
Everyone wants Palmer 2.0 dead. It’s not a race thing. Really. It’s a political thing. Pay no attention to the lack of black staffers Palmer 2.0 has.
Even if it’s not race, the cabinet feels Palmer 2.0 has botched up the dire situation in the country long enough. Tom Boy is instrumental in the plot to assassinate the president and has given Huckleberry Palmer 2.0’s itinerary. The plot involves a “security specialist,” Beard to take the fall (the visiting terrorist turned good), and a set of steak knives. It’s really complicated.
Tom Boy, after being reassured by the president that his opinion still matters, has second thoughts and informs the secret service of the plot. Huckleberry overhears the conversation and whips Tom Boy with a flashlight, rendering him unconscious. Shame on you Tom. You failed to protect the president AND you got beat by Chad Lowe. With a flashlight.
Bauer is dealing with Papa Bauer, who has held Josh, son of Bright Eyes and the only Bauer who hasn’t been contaminated with altruistic patriotism. If he is to be saved, he should be exposed to video games and pornography. When the CIA wants to kill patriotism, that’s what they use.
The Bad Drone has been turned and is incredibly cooperative towards Jack. Bright Eyes gives up the real address for Crazy Ivan (Gen. Gredenko, the Russian who is using brown people to explode Nukes on the US soil and who has some gnarly hair).
But in order for Bright Eyes to see her son again, she has to get Papa Bauer to give up his location. To make sure that happens, Bauer instructs Bright Eyes how to talk to his father.
-Don’t ask him about his work
-Be calm and nod your head while he talks, but don’t listen. Don’t let his madness in.
-If he doesn’t answer you or pass the mashed potatoes, say “This is not a negotiation.”
Those are the same rules with my father unless he's drunk. When that happens, you just wait for him to pass out and place him in a corner till he wakes up looking for food.
Papa Bauer tells his drone where he is and takes Josh, who has seen the scary side of Gramps, to another part of the building. When Bauer storms in, the hotel room is empty and a call is waiting for him.
(cue Cat Stevens’ “Father and Son”…now)
Jack pleads with Papa and offers himself as a trade for Josh’s life. Papa agrees. Jack gives his “point-and-shoot” gun to Bright Eyes for protection, which is better than his digital gun that allows you to adjust the zoom, lighting, and focus.
The trade goes smoothly, allowing father and son to have a moment together. Papa says he’s a patriot, that he was trying to prevent this day from happening, and that he never wanted it to end up like this.
Jack, now on his knees, says he had to go his own way and do things for himself and that he was never good enough for his Papa and that he was sorry. He’s also ready to die. When he doesn’t, he turns around and sees Papa is gone. Ah, the unheard heart-to-heart conversation with your father that ends when you realize you’re alone. I know how Bauer feels all too well.
Outside of the room, Bauer finds a cell phone waiting for him. On it is a message for Jack to call a certain number. It’s Bug-Eyes and he has grown a tasteful beard since season 5. Bug-Eyes is also an example of what happens to a person when they don’t drink whiskey. So unless you want treason and disgrace in your future, drink well and often.
2.13.2007
Take the Shame
2.12.07
1 p.m. to 3 p.m.
When I first heard of another two-hour 24 “event,” I was expecting explosions, yelling, and cannibalism. Instead, all I got was buildup and character shame. Lots and lots of shame.
Since this post is so damn long, here are the episodes’ quick hits:
Number of shame moments: 5
Bags of popcorn eaten during the show: 1
Times my dad snored uncontrollably during the show: 3
Funniest moment: McCarthy getting shot point blank by the blonde
Saddest moment: Chloe’s attempt at a romantic moment
Characters with sexual tension: Jack and Marilyn, Papa Bauer and Josh, Milo and anyone
he talks to
The shame started simply, with Old Man Buchanan informing Bauer that Napoleon, his mole-looking brother, had died of a heart attack, most likely due to the fact that Jack poured 5 pounds of drugs into him.
Back at CTU, Scowl-Face is screwing up at the desk because Bundy has been kidnapped, causing her to be “too distraught to function,” which is the same way I get when the Hot Pocket explodes in the microwave, causing me to sit on the wooden floor in my pre-made “shame circle” for five minutes.
Stache takes over and directs Bauer, who’s perched in a helicopter and staring over the city of Los Angeles like a judgmental gargoyle, to a silver Maserati speeding down the road.
Bundy is in the Maserati and is being escorted by The Brit and Whore to Bald, where he will be forced to re-arm the nukes. On the way, Whore shoots the Brit (this is what happens when you pay them in pennies and Monopoly money) and continues the transaction, hoping to cash in on the promised $7 million.
Instead, she gets to witness Bundy being beaten with wood and get literally drilled in the shoulder. That’s just mean. Not only do you have to deal with the pain, but that sound just reminds me of the dentist.
Bald: “If you don’t do this, I’ll kill you and find someone else who can.”
There is someone else who can do it, but he actually enjoys getting drilled, which defeats the purpose of torture. He’s not needed anyway, since Bundy’s limit is 5 smacks to the face and two drilled holes. Pansy. Bauer would have embraced the drill and let it play with his internal organs, just for fun.
The White House is freaking out over Palmer 2.0’s smackdown of Tom Boy’s “Brown’s are going Down” proposal. Tom Boy is so disgusted that he has his head in his arms like a three-year-old who was just told he can poo his pants anymore.
Palmer 2.0 also wants Beard to go on national television in an effort to ask Arab-Americans for help and to show the American people that some brown people are good. Some. Beard’s peace presentation isn’t ready due to a lack of construction paper and glitter in his homeland. Instead, he’s forced to write a speech that is informative, persuasive, and full of cheesy phrases like “I’m driving the peace train and I’ll be stopping in your town soon.”
Tom Boy hears of the television appearance and is pissed off because he feels Palmer 2.0 is weak for not hating the browns as much as him. And plus, it was his turn to be on TV.
He calls in Huckleberry (Chad Lowe is dopey looking in everything he does) and throws his arms in the air in an impressive hissy-fit that would put Kanye West to shame. It’s so bad that Tom Boy wants to resign. This is unsettling for Huckleberry since he’s laid plans for an “immediate” change to the presidency.
Huckleberry, after talking to his people, walks into Tom Boy’s office without the resignation letter he promised he’d write (you know it’s a good hissy-fit when you can’t even write your own letters) and starts talking about how everyone in the government has had it with Palmer 2.0.
Tom Boy throws Huckleberry out, only to change his mind later, which brings us to a secret meeting in a room marked “high voltage.” It’s also the room where obese politicos can binge-eat in peace. Tom Boy is told that things can change and that the VP will be on his side.
Tom Boy may have a point because the brown people are winning. Through a phone tap, CTU finds the building where Bald is hiding, but can’t tell which floor or room he’s in. To flush him out, Jack pulls the fire alarm, which forces all the healthy people out, leaving behind invalids and drug addicts. This is also how high schools find the stoners.
Bald is aware that CTU is coming for him and presses Bundy to finish fixing the device that will arm the nukes. He finishes and arms a nuke to prove he wasn’t faking. Just as he’s to be executed, Bauer shows up a shotgun, an army, and a little bit of rage. After he clears the room, Bald is gone and Jack is told that there’s a dead whore in the next room (boo!) and an armed nuclear bomb (yay!).
CTU Tech Support
Bauer: “I have a suitcase bomb.”
16-year-old kid from India: “Allo sir. Yes sir. How can I help you sir?”
Bauer: “There’s a bomb and I need to disarm it.”
India: “Ok sir. I understand your problem and feel your frustration. Please unscrew the plastic box sir.”
Bauer: “Ok.”
India: “Ok thank you sir. Now please tell me what you see.”
Bauer: “A goddamn bomb.”
India: “Ok sir, thank you. Now I want you to…
I could go on, but you’d just kill yourself and hate India more.
The bomb is defused, but the good feelings don’t last because Bundy says the device to arm the bombs is gone (“You made something that works?!”) and Bald is nowhere to be seen.
Bald has escaped in a helicopter and calls Gen. Gredenko, the old-school Russian still harboring a cold-war grudge. All he wants is to see the US crumble and is planning to blame the attacks on the browns. If he doesn’t take at least 6 shots of vodka during the season I’m gonna be pissed.
Both Bauer and Bundy are back at CTU and get to deal with their personal shame. Bundy has a pity party because he armed a nuclear bomb, Bauer believes he killed his brother.
This is also the moment where we are subjected to the awkward relationship that is Scowl-Face and Bundy. It gave me the same icky feeling I got when I saw my buddy’s grandmother hit on a 4th grader at the mall.
Do you want some candy little boy? (eeeewwww)
Old Man wants to alter the report that would clear Jack of any wrongdoing. Bauer isn’t down with that since the last time the Old Man tried to help him, he ended up naked and in China.
Papa Bauer is roaming around, covering his tracks and making calls to his team of drones to seek out Gredenko and kill him since the general is the only other person that knows the sins of Papa.
Bright Eyes (Napoleon’s wife) is also roaming around and is eager to tell Jack that she doesn’t blame him for her husband’s death and that she wanted to leave him and that she heard him talking to Russians one time and that she hasn’t stopped thinking about Jack for 20 years. I don’t care. Nothing much has happened in this second hour and a part of me wants to get the drill in the garage and put a hole in my head because I’m realizing it’s going to take me forever to write this thing (and now it’s 3 a.m.)
Bauer takes Bright Eyes around West LA in the hopes that she’ll recognize the Russian house. All other leads have dried up and much of the CTU staff has busied themselves with chair hockey in the back.
On the way, Bright Eyes gets a call from Papa who admits that he killed Napoleon and that if Bright Eyes doesn’t lead Jack to a specific address, he’s going to kill her son. Bright Eyes does so and Jack runs into the house with a team of CTU drones muttering “Rabble rabble” as they run heavily armed.
A bomb explodes in the house and now Bright Eyes and Stache are on the run with Papa holding the kid hostage in a hotel room. Jack is on the ground and has a rude awakening with a burnt home and pieces of CTU drones scattered amount.
So Papa Bauer, like all fathers, is pure evil. He’s betrayed both his sons, keeping his grandson hostage, and I bet he chews with his mouth open too. But what kind of company does he have that’s worth all this trouble?
Speculation of Papa Bauer’s company
(Has to be worth killing for and epic enough to cause Jack to seek refuge in the military)
-a think tank filled with intellectual geniuses who weigh the culture impact of the television show “Who’s the Boss?”
-a panty factory (self-explanatory)
-Cold Stone Creamery (people do strange things for ice cream)
1 p.m. to 3 p.m.
When I first heard of another two-hour 24 “event,” I was expecting explosions, yelling, and cannibalism. Instead, all I got was buildup and character shame. Lots and lots of shame.
Since this post is so damn long, here are the episodes’ quick hits:
Number of shame moments: 5
Bags of popcorn eaten during the show: 1
Times my dad snored uncontrollably during the show: 3
Funniest moment: McCarthy getting shot point blank by the blonde
Saddest moment: Chloe’s attempt at a romantic moment
Characters with sexual tension: Jack and Marilyn, Papa Bauer and Josh, Milo and anyone
he talks to
The shame started simply, with Old Man Buchanan informing Bauer that Napoleon, his mole-looking brother, had died of a heart attack, most likely due to the fact that Jack poured 5 pounds of drugs into him.
Back at CTU, Scowl-Face is screwing up at the desk because Bundy has been kidnapped, causing her to be “too distraught to function,” which is the same way I get when the Hot Pocket explodes in the microwave, causing me to sit on the wooden floor in my pre-made “shame circle” for five minutes.
Stache takes over and directs Bauer, who’s perched in a helicopter and staring over the city of Los Angeles like a judgmental gargoyle, to a silver Maserati speeding down the road.
Bundy is in the Maserati and is being escorted by The Brit and Whore to Bald, where he will be forced to re-arm the nukes. On the way, Whore shoots the Brit (this is what happens when you pay them in pennies and Monopoly money) and continues the transaction, hoping to cash in on the promised $7 million.
Instead, she gets to witness Bundy being beaten with wood and get literally drilled in the shoulder. That’s just mean. Not only do you have to deal with the pain, but that sound just reminds me of the dentist.
Bald: “If you don’t do this, I’ll kill you and find someone else who can.”
There is someone else who can do it, but he actually enjoys getting drilled, which defeats the purpose of torture. He’s not needed anyway, since Bundy’s limit is 5 smacks to the face and two drilled holes. Pansy. Bauer would have embraced the drill and let it play with his internal organs, just for fun.
The White House is freaking out over Palmer 2.0’s smackdown of Tom Boy’s “Brown’s are going Down” proposal. Tom Boy is so disgusted that he has his head in his arms like a three-year-old who was just told he can poo his pants anymore.
Palmer 2.0 also wants Beard to go on national television in an effort to ask Arab-Americans for help and to show the American people that some brown people are good. Some. Beard’s peace presentation isn’t ready due to a lack of construction paper and glitter in his homeland. Instead, he’s forced to write a speech that is informative, persuasive, and full of cheesy phrases like “I’m driving the peace train and I’ll be stopping in your town soon.”
Tom Boy hears of the television appearance and is pissed off because he feels Palmer 2.0 is weak for not hating the browns as much as him. And plus, it was his turn to be on TV.
He calls in Huckleberry (Chad Lowe is dopey looking in everything he does) and throws his arms in the air in an impressive hissy-fit that would put Kanye West to shame. It’s so bad that Tom Boy wants to resign. This is unsettling for Huckleberry since he’s laid plans for an “immediate” change to the presidency.
Huckleberry, after talking to his people, walks into Tom Boy’s office without the resignation letter he promised he’d write (you know it’s a good hissy-fit when you can’t even write your own letters) and starts talking about how everyone in the government has had it with Palmer 2.0.
Tom Boy throws Huckleberry out, only to change his mind later, which brings us to a secret meeting in a room marked “high voltage.” It’s also the room where obese politicos can binge-eat in peace. Tom Boy is told that things can change and that the VP will be on his side.
Tom Boy may have a point because the brown people are winning. Through a phone tap, CTU finds the building where Bald is hiding, but can’t tell which floor or room he’s in. To flush him out, Jack pulls the fire alarm, which forces all the healthy people out, leaving behind invalids and drug addicts. This is also how high schools find the stoners.
Bald is aware that CTU is coming for him and presses Bundy to finish fixing the device that will arm the nukes. He finishes and arms a nuke to prove he wasn’t faking. Just as he’s to be executed, Bauer shows up a shotgun, an army, and a little bit of rage. After he clears the room, Bald is gone and Jack is told that there’s a dead whore in the next room (boo!) and an armed nuclear bomb (yay!).
CTU Tech Support
Bauer: “I have a suitcase bomb.”
16-year-old kid from India: “Allo sir. Yes sir. How can I help you sir?”
Bauer: “There’s a bomb and I need to disarm it.”
India: “Ok sir. I understand your problem and feel your frustration. Please unscrew the plastic box sir.”
Bauer: “Ok.”
India: “Ok thank you sir. Now please tell me what you see.”
Bauer: “A goddamn bomb.”
India: “Ok sir, thank you. Now I want you to…
I could go on, but you’d just kill yourself and hate India more.
The bomb is defused, but the good feelings don’t last because Bundy says the device to arm the bombs is gone (“You made something that works?!”) and Bald is nowhere to be seen.
Bald has escaped in a helicopter and calls Gen. Gredenko, the old-school Russian still harboring a cold-war grudge. All he wants is to see the US crumble and is planning to blame the attacks on the browns. If he doesn’t take at least 6 shots of vodka during the season I’m gonna be pissed.
Both Bauer and Bundy are back at CTU and get to deal with their personal shame. Bundy has a pity party because he armed a nuclear bomb, Bauer believes he killed his brother.
This is also the moment where we are subjected to the awkward relationship that is Scowl-Face and Bundy. It gave me the same icky feeling I got when I saw my buddy’s grandmother hit on a 4th grader at the mall.
Do you want some candy little boy? (eeeewwww)
Old Man wants to alter the report that would clear Jack of any wrongdoing. Bauer isn’t down with that since the last time the Old Man tried to help him, he ended up naked and in China.
Papa Bauer is roaming around, covering his tracks and making calls to his team of drones to seek out Gredenko and kill him since the general is the only other person that knows the sins of Papa.
Bright Eyes (Napoleon’s wife) is also roaming around and is eager to tell Jack that she doesn’t blame him for her husband’s death and that she wanted to leave him and that she heard him talking to Russians one time and that she hasn’t stopped thinking about Jack for 20 years. I don’t care. Nothing much has happened in this second hour and a part of me wants to get the drill in the garage and put a hole in my head because I’m realizing it’s going to take me forever to write this thing (and now it’s 3 a.m.)
Bauer takes Bright Eyes around West LA in the hopes that she’ll recognize the Russian house. All other leads have dried up and much of the CTU staff has busied themselves with chair hockey in the back.
On the way, Bright Eyes gets a call from Papa who admits that he killed Napoleon and that if Bright Eyes doesn’t lead Jack to a specific address, he’s going to kill her son. Bright Eyes does so and Jack runs into the house with a team of CTU drones muttering “Rabble rabble” as they run heavily armed.
A bomb explodes in the house and now Bright Eyes and Stache are on the run with Papa holding the kid hostage in a hotel room. Jack is on the ground and has a rude awakening with a burnt home and pieces of CTU drones scattered amount.
So Papa Bauer, like all fathers, is pure evil. He’s betrayed both his sons, keeping his grandson hostage, and I bet he chews with his mouth open too. But what kind of company does he have that’s worth all this trouble?
Speculation of Papa Bauer’s company
(Has to be worth killing for and epic enough to cause Jack to seek refuge in the military)
-a think tank filled with intellectual geniuses who weigh the culture impact of the television show “Who’s the Boss?”
-a panty factory (self-explanatory)
-Cold Stone Creamery (people do strange things for ice cream)
2.06.2007
In the Company of Bauers
Noon to 1 p.m.
2.5.07
The Bauer finally experienced the great American tradition that is the family reunion. And, like all reunions, it included yelling, sadistic torture, whiney kids, guns, and someone saying a poorly timed “I love you” that creeps everyone out.
The reunion started off with a bang as Papa Bauer and Jack (they’re team fighting name is PB and J) issued a beating to the two thugs ordered to kill them in an abandoned construction site. The last time this father and son played with each other outside was when Jack was 12 and Papa was teaching him how to kill a bear with a baseball bat. Hint: the key is to swing. Really hard.
Napoleon had turned against them and, as punishment, is now surrounded by CTU thanks to Jack calling Old Man Buchanan, who doesn’t seem that fazed about the family feud going on in the Bauer camp.
Maybe that’s because his wife just called and told him she quit her job so that she could spend more time at his job. That’ll send any man’s emotions into a nasty tailspin with suicidal dreams.
Napoleon is dealing with a suspicious wife and a whiney son who wails “All you do is fight.” That fool. It’s a blessing to see your parents fight. The alternative is to see them get it on and that will give you stomach pains and psychological problems for years.
Just as the reunion was beginning to lag, Jack incorporated a Mexican stand-off, a popular choice at reunions to liven up the party. Here we have Bauer vs Bauer, only Jack has an army behind him and Napoleon has back sweat. Napoleon relents and is taken back to his den where a torture technician and an “interrogation kit” are waiting for him.
Jack wants to know the location of McCarthy, the brit who would rather indulge in international terrorism than bang a whore. Either she’s really bad in bed or McCarthy saw his parents bump uglies. See? Totally screws you up.
Napoleon has been retrained and is being threatened by his big brother with a serum that makes it feel like your penis is splitting in half and your balls are getting crushed…at the same time. Jack isn’t getting the answers he wants, so Napoleon gets the pain, all for Papa to see on surveillance.
The torture is coupled with Jack whispering into Napoleon’s ear with “It’ll be ok, just tell me what I want to hear. Shhh…breathe baby” and “You tell me now what I need to know or your balls go squish now!” Getting whispered and yelled at within seconds of each other is only cool during sex, otherwise it’s just frightening.
Just before Napoleon’s penis turns into a flower (or a festive button, depending on your sick mind), he screams out that he was behind the assassination of Palmer 1.0 and the deaths of CTU agents Tony and Michelle. He explains he did it to get Jack out of hiding so that he could pin the murders on him. He caps it off by saying “I did it because I love this country…I’m just like you Jack!”
No one is like Jack. If someone tries to be like him, he sets them on fire.
With the pistol aimed at his brother’s head, Jack is ready to empty his entire clip into Napoleon’s brain. Only he’s stopped by the paternal and scolding glare from his father in the hallway. It’s Christmas morning all over again and Jack stops trying to kill his brother as Papa Bauer walks away without saying a word.
As Jack sits in a corner and wishes he was adopted, CTU has conveniently picked up a conversation between McCarthy and Bald about a new engineer that can re-trigger the ancient commie nukes. McCarthy sent a photo of said engineer to Bald and it’s intercepted by CTU, allowing Bundy to filter through the message to see the photo.
It took a while, but McCarthy finally found the ad he was looking for on Craigslist:
RETRIGGER BOMBS 4 CHEAP (LA)
Any bomb, any time. If it involves imminent death of thousands, I will have to be coerced (I’m cool with killing hundreds). Cash or woman’s shoes accepted as payment. Am open to covert recruiting, as long as it gets me out of work.
It’s Bundy. McCarthy called in and told CTU his brother had been exposed to radiation. I’m surprised Bundy cared about family that much to leave his post. I’m also surprised he’s a former shoe salesman who has the knowledge to re-trigger a nuclear bomb.
The first yawn of the night came courtesy of Walid and Ghetto Sassy talking about how weak their storyline is.
Walid: “I’m ashamed.”
Ghetto Sassy: “You should be. All this sass is going to waste. I should be the one dropping bombs on people.”
Walid: “If I was a terrorist, there’d be a point to my existence.”
Ghetto Sassy: “Shut up. I’m gonna call Jerry Ma-fucking-Guire to see if he can get us a better contract.”
Palmer 2.0 calls Ghetto Sassy and expresses his deepest presidential sympathies. Ghetto doesn’t waste any time and tells her brother that the detention camps are locking up the very people that should be helping us fight the terrorists.
I was so inspired by Sassy’s words that I hung up a picture I drew of an apple smiling and waving to people. Then the Boston Police noticed it, attached explosives to my drawing, and blew it up. Since it wasn’t for a marketing campaign, they could do anything they wanted.
The speech is also enough to convince Palmer 2.0 that detaining brown people is a bad idea, sending shockwaves around his cabinet and especially to the VP played by Powers Boothe. You can just feel the Deadwood seeping out of him with his “These people” comment. Let the rampant racism begin!
Jack is in the living room with Papa and tells him that the reunion has to move to CTU. Papa agrees as Jack leaves to catch his hourly ride in a helicopter. Papa gets up and tells the CTU agents he needs a moment with Napoleon.
Here we find out that Papa is in cahoots with Napoleon and that the entire thing was a rouse meant to mess with Jack. Papa is concerned that Napoleon can’t compete with the torture chamber that is CTU.
Napoleon disagrees and spits out embarrassing phrases like “Hold my mud” and “I love you.” Apparently there is a plan in place, but Papa is making a couple of minor adjustments and Napoleon can’t be a part of it.
“Maybe I asked too much from you…”
Maybe. Or maybe Papa Bauer was just tired of staring down at the four feet of bald anger he legally had to call son. There’s only one son left now and Papa is going to need an entire army of Mooninites to take Jack down.
2.5.07
The Bauer finally experienced the great American tradition that is the family reunion. And, like all reunions, it included yelling, sadistic torture, whiney kids, guns, and someone saying a poorly timed “I love you” that creeps everyone out.
The reunion started off with a bang as Papa Bauer and Jack (they’re team fighting name is PB and J) issued a beating to the two thugs ordered to kill them in an abandoned construction site. The last time this father and son played with each other outside was when Jack was 12 and Papa was teaching him how to kill a bear with a baseball bat. Hint: the key is to swing. Really hard.
Napoleon had turned against them and, as punishment, is now surrounded by CTU thanks to Jack calling Old Man Buchanan, who doesn’t seem that fazed about the family feud going on in the Bauer camp.
Maybe that’s because his wife just called and told him she quit her job so that she could spend more time at his job. That’ll send any man’s emotions into a nasty tailspin with suicidal dreams.
Napoleon is dealing with a suspicious wife and a whiney son who wails “All you do is fight.” That fool. It’s a blessing to see your parents fight. The alternative is to see them get it on and that will give you stomach pains and psychological problems for years.
Just as the reunion was beginning to lag, Jack incorporated a Mexican stand-off, a popular choice at reunions to liven up the party. Here we have Bauer vs Bauer, only Jack has an army behind him and Napoleon has back sweat. Napoleon relents and is taken back to his den where a torture technician and an “interrogation kit” are waiting for him.
Jack wants to know the location of McCarthy, the brit who would rather indulge in international terrorism than bang a whore. Either she’s really bad in bed or McCarthy saw his parents bump uglies. See? Totally screws you up.
Napoleon has been retrained and is being threatened by his big brother with a serum that makes it feel like your penis is splitting in half and your balls are getting crushed…at the same time. Jack isn’t getting the answers he wants, so Napoleon gets the pain, all for Papa to see on surveillance.
The torture is coupled with Jack whispering into Napoleon’s ear with “It’ll be ok, just tell me what I want to hear. Shhh…breathe baby” and “You tell me now what I need to know or your balls go squish now!” Getting whispered and yelled at within seconds of each other is only cool during sex, otherwise it’s just frightening.
Just before Napoleon’s penis turns into a flower (or a festive button, depending on your sick mind), he screams out that he was behind the assassination of Palmer 1.0 and the deaths of CTU agents Tony and Michelle. He explains he did it to get Jack out of hiding so that he could pin the murders on him. He caps it off by saying “I did it because I love this country…I’m just like you Jack!”
No one is like Jack. If someone tries to be like him, he sets them on fire.
With the pistol aimed at his brother’s head, Jack is ready to empty his entire clip into Napoleon’s brain. Only he’s stopped by the paternal and scolding glare from his father in the hallway. It’s Christmas morning all over again and Jack stops trying to kill his brother as Papa Bauer walks away without saying a word.
As Jack sits in a corner and wishes he was adopted, CTU has conveniently picked up a conversation between McCarthy and Bald about a new engineer that can re-trigger the ancient commie nukes. McCarthy sent a photo of said engineer to Bald and it’s intercepted by CTU, allowing Bundy to filter through the message to see the photo.
It took a while, but McCarthy finally found the ad he was looking for on Craigslist:
RETRIGGER BOMBS 4 CHEAP (LA)
Any bomb, any time. If it involves imminent death of thousands, I will have to be coerced (I’m cool with killing hundreds). Cash or woman’s shoes accepted as payment. Am open to covert recruiting, as long as it gets me out of work.
It’s Bundy. McCarthy called in and told CTU his brother had been exposed to radiation. I’m surprised Bundy cared about family that much to leave his post. I’m also surprised he’s a former shoe salesman who has the knowledge to re-trigger a nuclear bomb.
The first yawn of the night came courtesy of Walid and Ghetto Sassy talking about how weak their storyline is.
Walid: “I’m ashamed.”
Ghetto Sassy: “You should be. All this sass is going to waste. I should be the one dropping bombs on people.”
Walid: “If I was a terrorist, there’d be a point to my existence.”
Ghetto Sassy: “Shut up. I’m gonna call Jerry Ma-fucking-Guire to see if he can get us a better contract.”
Palmer 2.0 calls Ghetto Sassy and expresses his deepest presidential sympathies. Ghetto doesn’t waste any time and tells her brother that the detention camps are locking up the very people that should be helping us fight the terrorists.
I was so inspired by Sassy’s words that I hung up a picture I drew of an apple smiling and waving to people. Then the Boston Police noticed it, attached explosives to my drawing, and blew it up. Since it wasn’t for a marketing campaign, they could do anything they wanted.
The speech is also enough to convince Palmer 2.0 that detaining brown people is a bad idea, sending shockwaves around his cabinet and especially to the VP played by Powers Boothe. You can just feel the Deadwood seeping out of him with his “These people” comment. Let the rampant racism begin!
Jack is in the living room with Papa and tells him that the reunion has to move to CTU. Papa agrees as Jack leaves to catch his hourly ride in a helicopter. Papa gets up and tells the CTU agents he needs a moment with Napoleon.
Here we find out that Papa is in cahoots with Napoleon and that the entire thing was a rouse meant to mess with Jack. Papa is concerned that Napoleon can’t compete with the torture chamber that is CTU.
Napoleon disagrees and spits out embarrassing phrases like “Hold my mud” and “I love you.” Apparently there is a plan in place, but Papa is making a couple of minor adjustments and Napoleon can’t be a part of it.
“Maybe I asked too much from you…”
Maybe. Or maybe Papa Bauer was just tired of staring down at the four feet of bald anger he legally had to call son. There’s only one son left now and Papa is going to need an entire army of Mooninites to take Jack down.
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