To Russia with Love

24 Season 9
Final 3 episodes
I am awful at blogging now

There was a time when after an episode of 24 aired, I immediately hit the keyboard and banged out a nonsensical essay into my thoughts, fears and annoyances around this show. Then kids and DVR happened and here we are, almost 2 weeks after the airing of the finale and I'm only now getting to it.

Or maybe I was waiting out Putin to ensure my Russia jokes would be well timed.

So here are the highlights and gripes:

• Navarro is apparently the worst CIA head in the history of bad CIA heads. He fell for the old I'm-mad-at-you-for-framing-my-husband-and-naw-yous-gonna-die routine. That's lesson 5 on day 2 man. Everyone knows that. 
• Cross/Chloe's kinda boyfriend but not really. His final act was telling her that her family died of natural car accident causes and not by some crazy conspiracy. Comforting dude. Real. Comforting. And thanks for creating the device that can hack into anything and being naive enough to think it could be used for good.
• Cheng. Of course you're back and angry. And you still remind me of my dad. And yea let's start a war and blow up ships and get China all pissed off at the States.
• Jack's companion. Easily my favorite character of the entire season. He should pop up on other shows as a lifeline in any kind of situation. In fact, I hope he shows up on Homeland. 

So now begins the chase to find Cheng to prove he exists so that China and the US don't go to war. But before Jack can do that, he gets to yell at Mark for leading the Russians to him. And his man feelings come out in rage-spits and pistol to the head waving.

Mark is ready to serve his country as a weasel, and does so with flying colors. Except the head of the Russian embassy ends up getting glass to the neck and doesn't make it. So really, Mark is just the worst person ever.

But the crown for bad decisions really goes to Audrey, who decides to "help" by meeting an old friend at assassination park. It's not actually called that, but any park across from a building with a clear line of sight is, in fact, Assassination Park. And the plan? For the friend to TELL HER DAD. And why are we meeting at a park again?

Spoiler alert. Audrey dies. Even though Kate shows up in time and takes out the actual sniper that Cheng had, another dude shows up randomly in a car and shoots Audrey in the gut. Audrey is dead. And so are Bauer's man feelings.

In fact, he gets the news in mid infiltration since he discovered Cheng's location through the tried-and-true tactic of ripping apart someone's office. Audrey is dead and Bauer considers ending his life too. Only he doesn't because another boat rampage can actually cleanse one's soul. (did I mention Chloe was kidnapped and jumped out of Cheng's truck and got in touch with Bauer and that she called him her best friend? Whatever. The kids are screaming right now).

Cheng is found and Jack provides the Chinese government with the proof they need. They still want to verify everything, but that doesn't stop jack from taking a samurai sword to Cheng's neck. A SWORD TO THE NECK.

That can't be legal right? Or sanitary? And that's almost too good of a death. Even the terrorist mom felt real fear as she plummeted out of the window.

So all is kind of right with the world, except that Mark is going to jail, Audrey is dead and everyone who ever knows Jack gets kidnapped.

In the final minutes of the episode we JUMP 12 hours to the following morning. This was enough to trick my mom who is still inquiring why there aren't more 24 episodes coming up. It's a cheap trick and essentially tells us that Bauer did all of the following in the past 12 hours:

-played juggling grenades with his companion
-updated his Bronies blog
-took a massive shit and then too its head off with the sword
-watched True Detective
-updated his Facebook page with a picture of his sword
-ate shitty UK food and took another shit
-read Wikipedia entry on Russia

The Russians took Chloe and are willing to exchange her for the great Jack Bauer. He's being whisked away, via helicopter, to the country that prides itself on hosting Winter Olympics at a summer vacation spot, housing terrorists and allegedly supplying weapons to criminals across the border to shoot down planes because WHY AGAIN?

At this point, all we know is that Jack has one true friend and that he is going to Russia with a smile on his face. Will there be a season 10? I dunno. But if there is, I'm sure I'll be super late with those blogs too, so I may as well apologize now.