The Best Book About 24...Ever.

There are plenty of 24-themed books out there, but this entry has something the other ones don't: a quote on the back from yours truly.

A couple of months ago I was contacted by someone involved with "24 and Philosophy: The World According to Jack (The Blackwell Philosophy and Pop Culture Series)" and was asked to provide them some praise for the back of the book. She sent me the book electronically and I spent a couple of hours on the can reading it.

After sending her a list of possible quotes, she chose this one (and I'm glad since it was my favorite).

"Jack Bauer, armed with the philosophical expertise of the authors, shot my ignorance in the leg, threw it down the stairs, and refused to offer it immunity. I'm a better educated man because of it." - Eddie Shoebang, thebauer.blogspot.com

I'm just as baffled as you are. Anyway, for those interested, here are the list of rejected quotes.

"Jack’s actions have taught me how to torture, shoot people through walls, and fake my own death. And somehow those same actions have taught me the nuances of duality, consequentialism, and objectification." (I have no idea what "consequentialism" means)

"I never thought Bauer’s antics would eventually teach me the nuances of philosophy and therefore torturing and killing my ignorance."

"If Jack and this book were around when I was in college, I would have gotten that cute philosophy major to go out with me." (Instead, I went out with the English major who was just as cute, but had nothing to say.)

"This book completes the final aspect of my Bauer education. I can now torture someone with a lamp and understand the philosophical reasons behind my insane actions."

"This is the only way to truly understand philosophy: using big words like ‘supererogatory’ and relating it to Jack shooting someone in the head." (Seriously, I took Philosophy 101 and the only thing I got out of it was a healthy fear of nothingness).

And BTW, it is an interesting read. Just look at some of the chapter titles:

The Ethics of Torture in 24: Shockingly Banal

Living in a World of Suspicion: The Epistemology of Mistrust

How the Cell Phone Changed the World and Made 24

Season 7 Trailer: Say the wrong word...

The trailer for Season 7 was released on Thursday during Game 2 of the World Series. Those of you who weren't up late or hate baseball, the above video has all you need.

Here are initial thoughts...

Bauer answers for his crimes: I like how he's angry already. It was boring opening the season to a weepy Bauer or a settled Bauer. Here we have angry Bauer, probably because the government woke him from the car he crashed after a night of heavy drinking. (Yay Kiefer!)

Working with the FBI: Oh, now Bauer is working with a real agency? What happened to...

CTU is GONE: It makes sense. They didn't counter anything, let alone terrorism.

"Say the wrong thing and he could go off": If you're wondering what that "thing" is, it's "peanuts." He hates how it sounds so close to "penis" and when it's said quickly, Bauer gets slightly confused and enraged. Totally understandable.

The Nation is Under Attack: I hope "the Nation" means everywhere outside of LA. In fact, I'm gonna assume that at this point LA has burned to the ground or is infested with zombies or the plague and was cut out of California and is now floating somewhere near Guam.

The CIP Firewall Protects Every Major Infrastructure System : There's ONE firewall handling everything? And it can be breached? Is Windows Vista running it? Or does CIP appropriately stand for Crap In Pants?

...someone you know: WHAT?? EVIL TONY???! Can Edgar come back as the voice that talks to Tony inside his head?? I don't know how he's back nor do I care. The second you try to inject logic into 24 you lose. Evil Tony kicks ass. I bet he woke up in the hospital, saw Die Hard 2 on the television and immediately started planning. Or maybe he was just pissed that no one tried to visit him in the hospital.

Hey it's Chloe!: Somehow, I'm still not tired of seeing her mouth drop open in surprise. How is that possible?

Conclusion: Despite last year's crapfest, my interest is piqued, if only to see Tony's shrine to Nina and reading from her book of terrorism.

See you on January 13, 2008, when the world of 24 goes straight to hell.

Rules of Life and the Skills of Jack Bauer

4 a.m. to 6 a.m.
5.20.07

I’m sick of components, character recaps and old men who can’t drive. The next season of 24 better have digital software, ambiguous statements and sexy Latina waitresses who run illegal street races on Friday nights.

The season finale of 24 started off as most mornings do in LA. A middle-aged blond man kidnaps a 16-year-old kid and brings him to the beach, the FBI is confiscating an old man’s family photo album and Jack Bauer is put in a time-out because his antics from the night before are too much for anyone to handle.

It’s all because one senior citizen, Papa Bauer, has taken it upon himself to piss off three governments at once, all because he wants to retreat to China, a country he believes is the future of the world and whose major exports have been take-out menus and Yao Ming.

But he doesn’t care. Despite the mistakes and misguided judgmental stares, Papa has a dream and believes in China. He should have checked Cuba. Their health care system is apparently better than ours and they have the baseball stars of tomorrow.

It’s also in China where Papa Bauer will have “the means and the power” to mold Josh into the man his bald-headed father should have been. This means Josh will have hair and a robotic arm, which is every bald man’s secret dream. That and less hair “down there.”

Ricky “Strikeforce” Schroder also has a dream and it’s to see Nadia naked someday. That dream went kaput when two of Papa Bauer’s men approached the beach, handed Strikeforce a box and watched it explode in his face. Had he paid attention to the label on the side, Strikeforce would have read “Acme’s In-Your-Face Exploding Component-good for parties, parent-teacher conferences and custody hearings.”

So Strikeforce will probably be blinded and will spend the rest of his grabbing for walls and bore the handicap wing at the hospital with his lengthy anecdotes about the day he did everything wrong. I have those days too. They are called “Thanksgiving.”

Maybe he’ll get an eye-patch and become a pirate, which could be a 24 spin-off titled “CTU: A Day at Sea” where agents would battle pirates and mutant sea urchins for treasure, rum and hooch (you know which hooch I speak of you scalawag).

Strikeforce was at the beach making sure the exchange of Josh for the component went smoothly. Josh’s exchange is a rite of passage in the Bauer family initiation process. After that, he has to learn the various Bauer lessons of life from Gramps. So far we have “Pay attention,” “Don’t let your emotions control you,” and “Put that down.”

However, these three lessons conflict with Khay’s singular one of “Never negotiate with a sociopath.” Isn’t that common knowledge? And if it isn’t, then we should stop teaching kids about nutrition and start teaching them about negotiation and who they can do it with (crossing guards and IT technicians no, meter maids and drunk sorority girls yes). I’d rather have safe fat children than stupid skinny kids who take spam email seriously.

KHay, with her lesson freshly implanted in her mind, calls her disgrace husband, Old Man Buchanan to do “whatever it takes” to spring Jack Bauer from the governmental time-out.

To do this, Old Man Buchanan engages in the most dangerous thing someone his age can do: drive on the road. Since Khay gave him the location of Bauer’s SUV transport (marked with a colorful red dot), he knew exactly which car to run off the road. He also ran off a couple beforehand, but that’s just because Buchanan refuses to respect the road.

Just as Strikeforce is getting blinded by science, Jack and Old Man Buchanan show up in time to fire random shots into the air and see the two men take Josh with them in a dingy headed out to the ocean.

Jack doesn’t shoot and attends to Strikeforce’s wails of “It was a fake!” and “It blew!” The last time he yelled those two phrases on a beach was when be brought his blow-up doll “Nancy” to a secluded beach with a $7 bottle of Merlot.

Random: A man named Stewart shows up. He is Milo’s brother and looks nothing like him. Despite his brief visit, he manages to enrage me with sappy line of “…no, he did it because he was in love with you.” I’m glad Milo and his sappiness was shot in the head even more now.

Jack calls CTU to relay the “I am always right about everything” message and Nadia calls off his arrest and asks for his help. Bauer squints through the darkness and notices a couple of random lights that he determines are oil rigs off the coast. That’s right, he saw through the darkness.

(BTW: Where did hottie Agent Reynolds come from and why is she only answering phones? Shouldn’t she be jumping up and down on a trampoline to keep everyone’s spirits up?)

The CTU Trauma Team shows up to tend to Strikeforce. They are like the CTU Drama Crew except slightly less gay.

Khay and Scowl-face (Chloe) had been on Jack’s side, but unfortunately they have the combined political power of a bag of chips. Their punishment for backing Jack? Khay is arrested and Scowl-face faints at work because she is pregnant with Morris’ child. Expect Scowl 2.0 to have no social skills, a British accent and a penchant for the smell of new shoes. Scowl 2.0 will be the nemesis of Josh, after he gets his robotic arm.

CTU finds the oilrig and informs the White House about the location of the component, along with an innocent 16-year-old boy that everyone seems to be concerned about.

VP Crap Pants, feeling pressure from “Su Su Subero,” orders a massive air attack with a side of mayhem on the oilrig. As this is happening, the Russians are inching towards a US base somewhere in Southeast Asia because their national security is being threatened.

With the attack to occur in less than 20 minutes, VP Crap Pants offers Su Su Subero a “real-time” link so that he can watch the explosion. It tears into his voyeuristic porn time, but the Russian president figures it’s equally, if not more important to watch F-18s take out a teenager, an old man, a handful of Chinese goons and a piece of machinery no bigger than a pack of cigarettes that contains the location to their only stockpile of guns (it’s next to the cases of Vodka in the shed out back).

Bauer is mad and, along with Old Man Buchanan, conspire to take over the helicopter to get Josh out of there. The plan is to “move hard” which simply calls for Bauer to shoot constantly and around every corner. One of the bullets hits a barrel and explodes half of Cheng’s face off. (At this point, my dad picks at his teeth and somehow snores at the same time. I wish there was an explosion barrel in the basement).

The F-18s are screaming towards the rig, which only gives about five minutes for Plan Move Hard (this is also a Bauer-patented sex move that he uses on special occasions like baptisms and Superbowl Sunday).

Papa Bayer drags Josh to the bottom of the rig where another dingy is waiting for them. Josh, who suddenly feels Bauer-ific, clocks gramps on the head with a wrench, takes his gun and shoots his Grandpa in the chest, ending any chance that he’ll have a normal adolescence. He should just buy eye shadow, black leather pants and The Cure’s entire discography after today. And maybe change his name to “Loth” and date a Wiccan chic named “Willow.”

Bauer shows up, tells Josh that even though he’s scared and angry, it’s not worth shooting an old man over and that he should run to the top where another old man is waiting for him.

With Josh gone, Jack yells “Get up! It’s over! You are going to be held accountable for all you did today!” Creepy. This is how I say goodnight to my dad. Unfortunately with the F-18s on their way, Papa Bauer is going to get off easy, which is something he hasn’t been able to do for years.

Jack jumps off the rig just in time to catch a ladder hanging off the helicopter. He eventually drops into the water and swims to shore. Old Man Buchanan looks down and understands what’s going on. Jack Bauer has his own agenda, like a full can of beer floating aimlessly in a lake.

The oilrig has been completely destroyed, Josh is safe and reunited with his mom and Khay and Old Man Buchanan are going to retire to Vermont where they can live their lives without fear of prosecution. Now the only fears they have to worry about are loneliness and the dreaded Sasquatch. Cheng is brought back to CTU and is told he will be “debriefed” somewhere else (this sounds like a dirty job Mike Rowe should tackle).

Suddenly we’re transported to the Heller beach house where Jack has wandered to armed with a silencer and a beef with Papa Heller.

Here we see Jack go through a variety of emotions in an unnatural amount of time. We see displaced daddy issues, wrath, sadness, love, guilt and probably a little bit of indigestion.

Bauer is pissed that Heller didn’t try to get him out of China, that he’s disallowing him to see Audrey (Sheryl Crow) and that he’s the father he always wanted and never got a hug. Unfortunately, it’s too late and you never hug a guy who’s holding a silencer. That’s a Heller family rule.

Jack wants his life back and wants to take care of Sheryl Crow. He lays out his skills as being good at “disappearing” and “killing people.” For some reason, these skills don’t appeal to Heller and he stands by his “Don’t touch my daughter” rule (ah, memories of grade school).

Papa Heller brings Jack into Sheryl Crow’s bedroom, where she is sleeping and hooked up to various machines. Jack sits down, touches her hand, says he’ll always love her, gets bored and leaves. Jack Bauer is a man of action and a woman in a coma isn’t sexy.

He decides to “let her go” and walks out, with silencer in hand to stare at the ocean. Eventually the screen fades to black and the silent clock appears, which is usually reserved for the death of a major character.

Let’s hope it was the emotional, weeping while holding to a small tree Bauer that died, which will leave the gun-toting, smirking, violently frantic, confrontational, knee-cap shooting, heroin injecting, hand-chopping, “dammit” yelling, non-eating, car-jacking, Bauer we’ve all grown to love.

At least, that better be the Bauer we see next January…Till then friends. I’m going to drown myself in a sea of Jack Daniels.

In Ten Years China Will be a Superpower...in a World of Shame

3 a.m. to 4 a.m.
5.14.07

By introducing the world to the egg roll, pandas and rickshaws and poisoning our pets, China has been inching closer and closer to the ever-elusive ranking of “superpower.” Now, according to Papa Bauer, the timetable for that to happen is 10 years, and the old man plans to be there for the party.

The country has much to learn before it gets those embroidered bomber jackets direct from the UN that says “Superpower” on the back in white lettering. For starters, they have to learn how to properly deal with a hysterical white woman. As it stands, it’s their one true weakness.

Bright Eyes (Marilyn Bauer) freaks out like only a hysterical white woman can (glazed eyes, arms flailing about, incomprehensible shrieking) because the Chinese are dragging her son, the Bauer Boy (Josh) away to see Pappy Bauer.

Jack and company are being moved to “secure rooms” at CTU (Fools. No room at CTU is secure.) Jack informs Nadia that this is the only chance they have at freeing themselves and running after the Bauer Boy.

The Bauer “long-shot-at-best-and-you-might-not-live” plan involves hitting people in the nuts, Nadia trying to wrestle a gun away and Morris humping people’s backs while he’s twirled around like a drunk female socialite on a mechanical bull.

Somehow, this all works, probably because the MSG has set in and the Asian gang isn’t all that quick at the moment. Or maybe it’s because Jack likes to live dangerously. Incidentally so do I. Sometimes, I listen to Creed and see how long I can last before I go blind from rage. My personal record is 45 seconds. Ten if the song is "Arms Wide Open.”

Strikeforce shows up in time to kill the guy on top of Nadia. They share a soft glance towards each other and then look at Milo’s rotting corpse. I wish they were all dead. They are the dollar store version of Michelle and Tony. It’s a cheap imitation that doesn’t work, even with batteries.

Pappy Bauer is reunited with his grandson via cell phone and explains that they are going to start a new life in sunny, non-threatening China. Oh, it’s not China now. It’s China in 10 years, when it will be more like Disneyland, only with less drugs.

They have to leave now because Pappy has been craving fried rice for the past 12 hours. Interestingly enough, Pappy’s 10-year plan is also a version of The Bauer “long-shot-at-best-and-you-might-not-live” plan.

The Bauer Boy doesn’t like this China plan and tells gramps he’s out of his mind. Back in the sewer Jack and Strikeforce are navigating through the tunnels on what I can only assume is Bauer’s uncanny sense of smell (the Bauer Boy smells like fear, which smells a lot like broccoli, which can kill you).

As Cheng and his Chinese thugs take Bauer Boy in the car, Jack pops his head out of the concrete hole in the ground and starts shooting with blind fury at the only thing moving in the vicinity. Amazingly he hits the driver of the car and not the Bauer Boy.

A gunfight ensues (Bauer calls these “funfights”) and Cheng pulls the asshole move and uses Bauer Boy as a human shield on the way to the roof. It’s here where Bauer Boy gains his freedom by kicking Cheng in the face and runs away.

Jack shows up, holds his former captor at gunpoint and screams for Bauer Boy’s location. Cheng cringes and looks confused. I know that look. I see it every time I ask for two happy endings at the local Asian massage parlor.

Bauer Boy ends up below the metal bridge, holding on for dear life from a chain. Didn’t he escape? How the HELL did he end up dangling from a chain?

In the middle of the confusion, Cheng disappears. Literally disappears. He’s in the middle of the roof, Jack is blocking the only door and 30 yards the other way is apparently the walkway that ends with you almost falling off the building. Maybe he can fly because the next time we see him, he’s on the ground, talking to Pappy about “serious consequences” and getting scolded for not delivering the boy.

This is the country that is going to be a superpower in a decade? If they can’t get terrorism right, they don’t have a prayer. The only superpower they’ll be is in a world of shame.

Just in case you forgot about the meandering plot at the White House, the writers made sure that VP Noah “I just crapped in my pants” Daniels was made available for a five minute recap of everything that happened.

The blonde-aide is still trying to get Bishop, the secret Russian operative, to access her PDA and felt the best way to do that was to have long-winded, weird sex. Tom “This is not good” Lennox was stuck in a van watching the tawdry sex dance unfold.

Bishop finally finishes and Blonde Aide excuses herself, leaving the traitor along with the PDA. Just as he’s about to send the files over to Russia, he hesitates and realizes that me might be getting double-crossed. Why? Because he just had sex and he’s enjoying that special time when a man has depleted his sperm supply and he suddenly gains 16 more IQ points.

Lennox and the Secret Service watch Blonde Aide get strangled and then suddenly realize they aren’t at home watching their favorite porn site “HornyPoliticalShrews.gov” and bust into the apartment. Bishop is given a choice: ass sex in prison or death. He chooses life and sends the fake emails to Russia, in the hope that World War III will be stopped.

Speaking of ass sex, CTU has a new dickhead at the office named Ben Cram and he’s here from division to “assess the security breach” which is like a father inspecting his daughter seconds after her boyfriend reached third. It’s unnecessary and uncomfortable, for everyone involved.

Cram reminds Nadia that she sucks at her job. Morris leans in to tell her to stay strong. This would have meant more to her had he not been an alcoholic Brit and former shoe salesman who armed a nuclear bomb for the enemy.

VP Crap-Pants contacts the Russian president to uphold the lie. The Russian prez doesn’t buy it, mainly because he WAS watching “HornyPoliticalShrews.gov” and saw everything. He offers the US two more hours until he advances on a US base, all in the name of defense. I say let them attack. How bad can soldiers armed with shovels, rocks and a dog whistle really be?

Crap-Pants is now prepared to go to war over a piece of circuitry. Tom returns and gets a call from Pappy saying that he’s willing to trade the circuit board for his grandson and safe passage out of the country.

Even though KHay says PB is a sociopath who can’t be trusted (and Tom agrees), it’s said that averting World War III is worth the freedom of an evil man. Crap-Pants suddenly talks about the Russian president acting out of character and has his staff speculate about what could be happening behind the scenes in Russia.

The speculation of evil Russian generals who have a beef with the US is enough to convince him to trust Pappy. So just as Jack is bringing the Bauer Boy back to his mom (who will no doubt grant Jack access to her fun zone), he is snatched away by Strikeforce and taken in a helicopter.

Next week is the two-hour epic finale when we’ll finally find out if World War III is gonna happen and whether or not Jack will get laid.

CTU Penetrated. Police Say Building was Asking For It.

2 a.m. to 3 a.m.
5.7.07

The security at CTU has failed again, proving once more that their guards are as useful as geriatric Wal-Mart greeters. And those guys can barely see or speak English.

This time the culprits went through the sewer (what? there’s a sewer under CTU?), which is a shame because Old Man Buchanan used to patrol that sector with a flashlight and a baseball bat. Sometimes he would go down there to hear his echo in the tunnels.

The reason CTU was even less secure was because Team Strikeforce, made up of Ricky Schroder and anyone else in the area with a gun, stormed a copper refinery with the hope that it was Cheng’s safehouse. It wasn’t, and just like that episode of “Silver Spoons” where Schroder dressed up like a girl, he wasted precious time.

All they found were empty weapon crates and half-eaten fortune cookies, which is bad news. Asians are the most pissed when they are armed with guns and a belly full of food.

Because Team Strikeforce failed (has Schroder done anything right today?) the job of preventing World War III was passed to Lisa Miller aka Blonde-aid, aka slut-bag whore. Tom has her call Bishop, the boyfriend spy, so that they may be able to trick the Russians into pulling the attack back. When every other plan fails, the US turns to trickery. Six times out of 10, it works.

Sweet. So the hot girl will be a spy for the government because the guy she is banging is the enemy. I liked this plotline…six years ago…when it was called season one. Oh, but this time we actually got to see some sex. Thanks 24 writers. Your need to inject sex into an action-oriented show gave me another uncomfortable moment with my parents.

Unfortunately, Bishop just woke up from a dream about sexy aborigines, so he’s extra horny and only wants to access the whore’s bra strap. This produces an uncomfortable moment for Peeping Tom. I know how he feels. My mom is still accusing me of watching porn.

C’mon, every woman knows how to turn a man off so that he’ll leave you alone. After she said she felt “grungy,” she should have farted. Nothing makes a man gravitate towards a PDA faster than a girl farting on his bed.

Wasted farts reminds me of Milo, who, like Schroder is just using up precious minutes that Bauer could be using to kill people with (instead, he’s sitting at a desk, stewing).

After hours of looking hurt and jealous, Milo has given Nadia his blessing for her relationship with Strikeforce, essentially calling their quick sexual tryst hours before a non-issue. Nadia is confused. I don’t care because I think her by-the-book attitude equates to her being boring in bed.

Morris and Scowl-face make their split-up official. Scowl-face is sad. Morris is confidently ashamed about his prior actions and believes Scowl-face will constantly throw the “you armed a nuclear bomb” every time he leaves the toilet seat up.

But love isn’t completely dead at CTU. It’s found its way to Bright Eyes (Marilyn Bauer) who has been watching the news with her son, the Bauer Boy (Josh) for the past 13 hours. It’s freaking 2 a.m. Any normal teenager would have masturbated in the corner to Nadia and passed out by now. Then again, Josh does have Bauer blood, even though it’s tainted by evil.

Bright Eyes finds out about Audrey being alive through a meddling Scowl-face (her life sucks, so she is arbitrarily helping others). She also hears about Papa Heller putting out a restraining order against Jack. Unless that restraining order has a clause about a giant, army of mentally challenged bears standing in Bauer’s way, it’s utterly useless (if they are mentally challenged, they are unpredictable).

Bright Eyes goes to Jack to show him that she’s still hot and that, like a greasy taco after a night of binge drinking, she’ll be there for him. Just when one fun zone is closed off to Bauer, another opens.

The fun zone will have to wait for now because Cheng’s Asian Street Gang has penetrated CTU from below. It’s a shame they were the ones that penetrated the building because they are the dirtiest and most ruthless of all the penetraters. Ideally, you want the Russians to penetrate you, since they will most likely be too drunk to do any real damage and will eventually die under a dock in the ocean.

Nadia calls for the red alert and orders everyone to go to their “assigned safe rooms.” Scowl-face’s is decorated with padded walls and sensory toys. She is also required to wear a helmet and is kept away from chocolate.

Cheng (if he was passed out in a chair, snoring and wearing a red sweatshirt, he’d be my dad) is now obsessed about “the package,” which turns out to be Bauer Boy. I wish he would use proper words to describe things, although I should reserve my anger for the English night classes at community colleges for failing Cheng.

The leader of the Asian Street Gang (they’re like West Side Story’s Jets, except with more attitude and less dancing) asks who is in charge. Nadia takes her time, which allows Milo to shoot up, thinking this will finally be the way to get her on his side. Instead he gets a bullet to the head. I’m utterly surprised at how much I don’t care.

Bauer is finally let loose and starts killing people and using dead bodies as shields. He meets up with Bright Eyes and the Bauer Boy (they are now Family 2.0) and usher them to safety, especially after he hears that the ASG is after the boy.

Jack finds a vent, gets mad at it and jams his rifle into its fans. The Bauer Boy makes it through, but the other Bauers are left behind and brought back to the leader of the ASG, who informs them that they just want the boy

However, the Bauer Boy eventually comes out of the vent because no son wants to see a bullet rip through his mother’s skull. Now that the ASG has the Bauer Boy, Cheng calls Papa Bauer, who gave up CTU’s codes so that the ASG could get past security (the Wal-Mart greeters).

Papa Bauer has been busy since he answered that Craigslist posting about a broken sub-circuit board. Now that he’s almost done, he’ll be free to torment his family again, which can only lead to more tears, screaming, gun-pointing and drunken Irish jigs. The Bauers know how to have fun, especially during May Sweeps.

Touch of Evil

1 a.m. to 2 a.m.
4.30.07

There’s something in the air tonight. It’s not love or an unsettling Phil Collins song. No, that feeling floating through the atmosphere is the grip of evil and it’s touching everyone in their no-no-bad-places.

Sheryl Crow (Audrey) has been touched by the Chinese and is in a state of catatonic shock. That’s what happens when you are prodded with chopsticks and force-fed bowls of rice.

Her arms are all scabbed up and she desperately needs a shower and a Red Bull. She also needs to be caught up on the action and since Old Man Buchanan has been fired and is now at the local stripclub crying into the welcoming arms of a stripper, someone else will have to do the recapping.

Ricky “Strikeforce” Schroder: “Jack bought your freedom from the Chinese with a Russian component that holds plans for their infamous lava moat. That component is now gone. They left in black hummers. Oh, and the Wii just came out and it kicks ass.”

Sheryl Crow: “…they mostly come out at night…mostly.”

The conversation upset Strikeforce and he ran away, telling everyone (including Jack) that his girlfriend is a wack-job. Bauer isn’t amused and yells that he wished he was dead with the Russian component and his former Chinese captor. At least he’d be getting some rest. Instead, he’s being hauled off in a helicopter to CTU, the place where people die and break-up constantly.

This is why Morris wants to leave and has filed a transfer order. That and Scowl-face (Chloe) is constantly playing the “I’ll-put-out-the-day-you-stop-arming-bombs-for-terrorists” card. Morris should get a sense of humor. Edgar would have just called her weird and ate a sandwich (I miss that fat bastard so goddamn much. I’m gonna eat a pizza in his honor).

Unfortunately for Morris, he’s using the Private Santiago transfer order plan. That never works. Just do what Bauer does and just leave. Filing transfer orders only gets you Code Reds and CTU's version of it involves soiled underwear (yours), a lighter, cottage cheese and a slap-happy Bauer. He slaps you every time you say the word “don’t.” I’m not going to tell you what he does with the cottage cheese.

Scowl-face is sorry. She crossed the line and she insists that they have said things to each other they haven’t meant before (like "do me in the ass") and wants to be forgiven. Morris wants a drink and likes looking off in the distance when he talks to people. This is why their relationship is failing. That and Morris just likes anal way too much for a man.

VP ODB (Old Dirty Bastard) is taking care of business by closing the borders (“Whatever Karen, this doesn’t do anything”) and whispering sweet, creepy nothings in the phone to the Blonde Aide aka Slut-Bag Whore. Why? She’s doing some guy named Bishop who is apparently using her to gain access to her cell phone. Commendable. And here I was thinking about getting a new phone when I should just be prowling the streets for a girl with a Blackberry. I’m a fool.

Slut-Bag Whore’s minuteman boyfriend has been stealing info from her and telling someone in Russia. Or maybe he’s just posting everything on his Myspace blog. Either way, the Russians know and they are pissed.

The VP confronts Slut-Bag Whore about her other relationship and tells her to be a spy for him. If she doesn’t comply, he’ll turn her into an enemy combatant, shave her head and start spreading rumors about the days when she worked at “Hooters.”

Random: Would you rather be with a someone young who was done quick or an older guy whose head is so massive that it looks like he could devour you whole?

My answer: I’m with Bauer. I’d rather be dead.

This is now the third time this season that the potential for the long awaited sequel to World War II is waved in front of us (I heard George Lucas wants to direct it, so expect an epic, long-winded story that uses computer animation whenever the plot gets a little “gayish.”). WWIII better freaking happen this time.

It’s also nice that the Russian-American teleconference face-off happened thanks to Cisco, makers of the “human network.” So the company that brings us together will eventually tear us apart in the future. Awesome.

The Russians know the component is missing and have an army ready to invade China. Apparently the dream of the lava moat is now dead and the Russians will have to hope their earth-friendly vodka missiles will do the trick.

Not that the component will do any good. Just as Cheng is sending the information to his man with a laptop (who is no doubt putting pirated copies of the component on Limewire), it’s revealed that the component is damaged and won’t work properly

A broken component. Why didn’t Jack think of that instead of trying to blow himself up with C4? Oh right, he has a death wish this season. It wouldn’t have been that hard to stage a firefight and have Cheng flee, especially since the CTU Drama Crew has already proved their skills. I’m assuming it must be union rules that prohibit the crew from working two jobs in one night. That’s a shame.

This is also the first time pops had something positive to contribute instead of his obtrusive snoring and bouts of over-eating during the show.

“Tom ma da!” (or something like that)

Cheng said this in the hummer after finding out the component was a piece of shit. According to pops, it’s a cuss word in Mandarin that’s equivalent to saying “your mother.” Like you, I am not surprised his positive contribution involved translating profanity.

Sheryl Crow is now at CTU and is being examined by Dr Time Crunch, who has the ability to say 104 words in under a minute. The downside: he rarely makes sense. I gathered that Sheryl Crow has bumps everywhere, can’t use or understand basic phrases and will need psychiatric drugs just to take a piss. She could hold it in, but that would just give her cramps and make her “bitchy.”

Even though Nadia is cool with it, Strikeforce insists that Jack be given a chance to speak to Sheryl Crow. Strikeforce claims that, unlike the drugs, there is no change of her dying if she talks to Jack. That’s not true. Jack once killed a man by using a certain combination of words that, when said at a certain pitch, can actually split a brain in two. I won’t give you the combination, but I will say one of the words used was “panties.”

Strikeforce un-cuffs Bauer and sets him loose in CTU, which is like sending a hungry dog into a bacon factory run by hot, sexy poodles. JB punches the pitiful and pushes the lucky to the ground. He then grabs Sheryl Crow and runs out the door.

The lucky guy (it’s Dr. Time Crunch), pulls the alarm, Morris looks a the video feed of Audrey’s room that no one was watching, Milo says something stupid (fast becoming the most useless character on the show), Chloe can’t be found and the VP is laying into his sexual history to a flabbergasted Tom Lennox as legions of 24 fans allow a prolonged “eewwwwww” to escape their lips for the second week in a row.

Jack only has minutes and plans to bypass years of therapy and medication to get Sheryl Crow to back to normal again. He does this with hugs and telling her it’s ok to hate Chinese people for the rest of her life (don’t worry, we’re used to the suspicious looks, distrust and constant comparisons to Hiro on NBC's "Heroes.").

Just as CTU is breaking down the door, Sheryl Crow says the word “Bloomfield,” which is enough for Jack and turns out to be a decent lead in the end. Papa Heller is back (he didn’t die in the car crash. I know. I wish he did too) and he is ready to bring Sheryl Crow home.

He also visits Jack to say hello and that “everything that you touch, one way or another, ends up dead.” Charlie Brown could do that with Christmas trees and my ex-girlfriend can do that with souls. If you combine those two monsters, you get a bald harpy who wears yellow sweaters with a brown stripe who has an obsession with cats...I'm scared too.

Crazy Celebs and Shame at the Workplace

12 a.m. to 1 a.m.
4.23.07

Usually after midnight, things start to change. The beer starts tasting more like water, the sex gets dirtier and celebrities start going out of their mind thanks to all the drugs they’ve ingested that has warped their sense of reality.

So it’s fitting that the episode began with Ricky Schroder running through a field and flagging down a car from the highway. This is how the former Silver Spoons star gets cast in shows. It’s also how he avoids doing the dishes at the house.

Jack “I’m rogue now” Bauer is on his own again. This means the return of the man purse(is it the Freedom Satchel?), one-word answers, dark clothing and an obscene amount of rage. He has the component with the Russian defense codes to trade for Audrey. I saw those Russian defense codes on the internet. They are blueprints on how to build a massive wall made of cannons with a moat of lava encircling Mother Russia.

But the Chinese want the codes. I know, they have a wall too, but they still haven’t figured out how to tame lava or break a man through torture.

Milo “Stache” Pressman can’t take all the political and international drama surrounding Bauer, so he walks around CTU talking about the emotional aspect of the situation and breaking up arguments between Morris and Scowlface (Chloe). I liked him so much more when he was an asshole who just wanted to bang Nadia.

Palmer 2.0 is enjoying coma 2.0 (this one may shut him off from society for days…just like Windows Vista). This has put VP ODB (Old Dirty Bastard), in charge. It has also made ODB horny as hell since Cialis combined with a taste of power intensifies the erectile effects.

Luckily for the Blonde-Aide there were no cigars or dirty instant messages from Washington DC pages in the room, otherwise ODB would have completely lost control of all his bodily fluids (they are, in order of importance: semen, pee, and tears).

With no Palmer 2.0, the show was briefly without an African-American character. Thankfully, a “Peter Hawk” showed up to make things right and diverse.

Hawk, who has information from Chad Lowe (he’s also a member of the Ricky Schroder hitch-hiking club) grills K-Hay about how crappy her husband is at holding on to terrorists and warns her that someone has to “go down” for this whole 13,000 dead thing. And since K-Hay hasn’t “gone down” since high school, it’s up to Old Man Buchanan to take the bullet.

Tom Boy also urges K-Hay to stay at her job because she is “smart and brings balance,” which means she’s like a case of Ensure for a geriatric White House that can’t seem to lay off deep-fried Twinkies and sticks of butter.

CTU isn’t looking too good at the moment. They can’t handle suitcase bombs and their assurances mean nothing. The only thing they are good at is accusing and arresting their own people.

They also fail at relationships. Old Man Buchanan is fired by K-Hay, his wife, and is told that everything will be ok because all he needs to know is that she “loves him.”

Old Man Buchanan’s next bold move: Call up K-Hay and yell that she’s a little pig. Laugh uncontrollably.

Nadia is put in charge and ordered to tell the troops about Buchanan’s departure before it hits the internal forums. She also has to cancel the “Buchanan Brought Sexy Back to CTU for a Debriefing” T-shirts.

There was even more drama I didn’t care about with Morris, Scowlface and their schoolyard bickering.

“You built a bomb!”
“Shove it!”

They’re gonna do it soon, I can feel it.

Bauer (I’m sick of not seeing Bauer for 30 minutes. He better decapitate people in the finale to make up for all the lost screen time) has directed Cheng to an abandoned hotel and has set up the C4 to blow everyone up (only Jack Bauer can kill Jack Bauer).

Before Cheng arrives, Bauer calls Old Man Buchanan and sings the “Thank You For Being a Friend” from the Golden Girls. He also calls a cab company.

“This is Jack Bauer. I’m a CTU agent. This is an emergency. I need a cab.”

That doesn’t make the cab come any quicker. You have to tell them you are hammered and looking for your car. That’s when they haul ass. Sometimes it’s to pick you up, sometimes it’s to kill you.

Ricky Schroder has been tracking Jack’s movements (stalking is also part of Schroder’s nightly routine) and is hiding in the bushes when a limo pulls up with Cheng, Chinese drones and Audrey inside.

Bauer ungags his drugged up girlfriend (she is currently suffering from memory loss, a la Teri Bauer), says he’s sorry and tells her to go to a bridge. Cheng gets impatient. Bauer throws him the component with his hand on the trigger. Schroder freaks out and shoots the closest guy he sees (again, part of the former child star lifestyle that he’s famous for).

A gunfight ensues and Cheng gets away in a black hummer storming up a hill. Instead of going after him, Schroder puts Bauer under arrest. For now, the component is in Chinese hands and every Russian soldier is praying that their lava moat of death will be completed in time.

A Dollar and A Dream

11 p.m. to Midnight
4.16.07

The suitcase nukes are no longer a threat. They’re just heavy suitcases now and because CTU doesn’t know how to handle things that won’t explode, the Marines are called in. .

The battle is over and now Jack can celebrate with his new man-crush Ricky “I Think I Love You” Schroder. Unfortunately, the man-date at Applebees will have to wait, thanks to a drugged-up Audrey (aka Sheryl Crow) who needs to be rescued. Again.

Sheryl Crow went to China to save Jack, but forgot to bring a gun, hire a driver for her car and learn Chinese. Cheng, the guy who tortured Jack for two years, captured her knowing that a white woman will always come in handy in the future. It’s like finding a perfectly good beating stick in the street. Someday, someone’s gonna need a beating.

Cheng is also fast becoming the Khan to Jack Bauer’s Captain Kirk. All we need is Jack to be on his knees, look to the sky and, with a crazed look in his eye, scream “CCCCCHHHHHHEEEEENNNNGGGGGG!!!”

Only the Chinese would trade a human for a piece of technology. They hold technology above all else, which is why they always have the cooler phones. Their version of the iPhone can drive your car and give you a “happy ending” (don’t ask how).

Cheng is demanding Jack to steal the component for the life of Sheryl Crow. Once the Chinese have said component, they will have access to all Russian technology. And because the technology is so old, it will be untraceable. They got the idea from the book “So You’ve Decided to Give Up and Follow the Russians.” The sequel to that book is “So You’ve Decided to Cut Off Your Arm.”

Jack is pissed because the component could start off World War III. I’m pissed because I thought World War III was supposed to have started by now. My sleeper pick to win it all is Spain. No one suspects the Spaniards. Call it a hunch.

For him to agree to this, Jack demands to talk to Sheryl Crow. Cheng does so and stares at her with his judgmental eyes (this is typical Chinese behavior. My father is looking over my shoulder, quietly disgusted about how I spend my Monday nights).

As always, Jack calls Chloe (Scowl Face) to gossip about his life, telling her everything about Sheryl Crow and how much he hates the Chinese. Scowl-Face wants to help and hacks into Morris’ computer (really just walks over and uses his mouse) to download the specs of the component to Jack’s cell phone.

Jack has to wait over a minute for the specs to download. He curses the loading time and the rage begins to rise (ironically, if he had the Chinese version of his phone, it would have downloaded faster).

Palmer 2.0’s rage has been replaced by a hangover, though he decides to make it better by asking VP Fathead for his resignation. He also makes it better by staring at a picture of his deceased brother David Palmer (it was signed “You can see my Unit anytime!”).

Fathead says no to resigning. Palmer 2.0 then promises to make Fathead’s life “extremely unpleasant” by releasing a tape recording proving that he and his blonde assistant conspired perjury. Fathead laughs it off and counters that he has a sex tape of him and the blonde, which would make everyone “extremely unpleasant.”

And whoa! Did Fathead just say “blackmail” to the black president?? That’s racist right? I’m sure it upset someone out there, so be ready to see a 24 writer fired.

Morris knows his hard drive was tampered with. No one’s touched his hard drive in a while and, frankly, he was feeling ignored in the storyline. Scowl Face fesses up to touching it and is convinced by Morris to tell Old Man Buchanan about Jack Bauer’s Rescue Plan of Action to save Sheryl Crow and kill CHHHEEENNGG! Thankfully, we are spared from the Old Man recapping whatever was happening in the episode.

As Scowl-Face is recapping to Buchanan, Jack has found the suitcase nukes and the two marines guarding them. Using skills he obtained during his CTU Drama Crew days, he proceeds to berate them, asking for names and threatening to use his cell phone. It works, since marines don’t like telling you anything and have a natural distrust for phones.

Sub-plot I don’t care about: Morris’ and Chloe’s trust issues.

Ricky Schroder arrests Jack before the fun of running around in a fit of rage can begin. Just like the time WWIII failed to start, I’m disappointed.

Old Man Buchanan isn’t “down” with Jack’s plan. Jack asks to talk to Palmer 2.0 and assures the president that the component will never get into the hands of the Chinese, even if it means blowing himself up. He later reveals that the Jack Bauer Rescue Plan of Action includes inflicting revenge on his former captors and a stop at the nearest Denny’s for a Superbird (Don’t know what that is? That’s shame you’re feeling friend).

Schroder’s man-crush is dying a slow death, especially since he discovered Jack doesn’t hike up Brokeback Mountain. He scolds Jack for mixing relationship feelings with work feelings. That’s tough talk from a guy with a bad haircut who can’t find something to believe in.

Palmer 2.0 gives a speech about celebrating the death and offers up prayer as the best defense against terrorist. He also does his best Porky Pig impression before he collapses onto the ground.

So now Fathead is president and his first order of business is to cancel the Jack Bauer Rescue Plan of Action. He doesn’t believe Jack’s word. Under both Palmer administrations, not believing in Jack’s word got you beaten with the beating stick.

In the car, Schroder gets the call to “quietly disarm” Jack (does it involve whispering?) and to bring him back to CTU. Jack pulls his gun on Schroder and forces him to pull over. Jack takes the car and is off on his own again, fighting terrorism the only way he knows how: with a dollar and a dream.

Rage and Insanity on the Rocks

10 p.m. to 11 p.m.
4.9.07

Palmer 2.0 has launched a nuclear missile at a brown terrorist country with the intention of blasting all their huts and falafel stands into the ground. He’s had it with the lying, the painfully slow political process and people constantly referring to him as the “lame Palmer.”

The missile makes everyone uneasy, which usually happens when a man decides to expose his weapon and launch it into the air. Tom Boy tries to reason with Palmer by acting like Chicken Little. K Hay calls her husband, Old Man Buchanan, and asks him to lie. And Ambassador Jerkface from the brown country calls, urging Palmer to calm down.

Nothing can calm Palmer down. He’s currently engaged in a nuclear “I’m-not-touching-you” game and he doesn’t intend to lose. No one wants to be touched by a nuclear missile, especially one launched with such table-pounding rage.

As Palmer’s phallic nuclear bomb inches closer and closer to the face of terrorist country X, Ambassador Jerkface starts to give up the name of a high-ranking general who has had contact with Fayed, but has no knowledge of the location of the suitcase bombs. Palmer yells some more and calls off the attack, telling the pilot to “ditch it in the gulf.” That dirty whore was faking it, just like my first dry hump.

Tom, who was getting high the day they taught “bluffing” in political science, is surprised and hangs his head for doubting his president. After today, he’ll be checking into the Shame Hotel, where people cry into coarse, sexually-abused pillows for hours. I hear Imus is checking in soon too (apparently, it’s fashionable to be racist, as long as you’re an angry white guy).

The new enemy is a general named Nabib who looks like Gredenko, only with sane-looking hair and two arms (I miss that crazy Russian already. He should have been given a chainsaw for an arm).

Jack Bauer and Ricky “Strikeforce” Schroder are beating Fayed in a storage room filled with such threatening things as white bread and dirty towels. Bauer beats him with his fist. Strikeforce circles Fayed and judges his religion. Neither man is successful and Old Man Buchanan suggests a “drastic move,” which at his age means moving from the couch to the toilet…without pants on.

Agent Burke is called in with his “pharmaceutical package” for the torture. Initially, I thought it was going to be drugs and needles, but then I remembered the pain I felt after reading a 20-page science paper about how red blood cells can kill you and filled with phrases like “analytical ultracentrifugation.” I bet they make him read something like that and then inject him with something that will raise his red blood cell count (I ain’t no doctor yo, but that shit sounds harsh).

“Now we are gonna have fun.”
-Jack Bauer with unstable look in his eye

There are only two things the Bauer finds fun: shooting kneecaps off and pretending to die. This time it was the latter.

En route to who knows where, a truck sideswipes the vehicle carrying Fayed, Bauer and Strikeforce, scattering them about. People start shooting guns, people go down, including Strikeforce and Bauer. The people in the other truck take Fayed with them and drive off.

Everyone gets up from the ground, including Strikeforce and Bauer, and the neighborhood applauds this impromptu community theater and pesters the two CTU agents to play the lead roles in the upcoming summer performance of “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead.” (They respectfully declined. Strikeforce has plans to “find himself” in Amsterdam. Bauer is scheduled to sit in a closet and stew).

CTU’s Drama Crew (yes they host flamboyant D. Crew parties) talks to Fayed hoping to get the location of his destination and tell him they were sent by Gen. Nabib. Fayed, always taught by his mother to never trust men in vans, which is ironic since he is now one of them, demands to speak to Nabib.

Old Man Buchanan, who is awesome at recapping recent events in seconds, calls the White House and urges Palmer 2.0 to make this phone call happen. Palmer, visibly weak and shaking from the adrenaline and sour patch kids he had the hour before, speaks to Ambassador Jerkface about forcing the general to make the call.

Ambassador Jerkface’s country sucks at anti-terrorism. They are only good at making demands and throwing rocks in the street. They never thought of threatening the family. American’s real policy on terrorism: Just do it…now!

While watching a gun being placed on his son’s head, Nabib calls Fayed and assures him that he sent the men to get him and says that “Samir” should have eaten that whole meatball sub, or something like that.

Sexy Nadia at CTU figures out that Samir is a distress code and that Nabib was warning Fayed he was being setup. The meatball sub was just thrown in there to throw everyone off. Nadia also figures out that Milo is the jealous type, Strikeforce can bleed and that CTU isn’t that exciting when Morris isn’t drunk and Scowlface only has lines like “Ok.”

Jack warns the CTU Drama Crew that Fayed may be on to the setup seconds before they enter a tunnel. The car with Jack enters the tunnel and before he races into it, he utters “Engaging the tunnel” to CTU. Say that to your wife/girlfriend/blowup-doll during sex. It’s worth sleeping on the couch for a week to see their reaction.

Fayed runs away after killing everyone in the CTU Drama Crew (he really rubs it in by saying “Parting is such sweet sorrow” before he hops out of the truck) and steals a garbage truck to return to the home base.

Bauer, who had been following him, sees the truck and slips underneath it and holds on to the axle and screams into his hands-free device. Old Man Buchanan, who is getting closer and closer to retirement, can’t hear what Jack is saying and orders someone younger to run it through filters.

The garbage truck finally stops near a warehouse and thankfully didn’t go over any speed bumps or dead animals on the road. Bauer overhears Fayed say that downtown LA is going to be the target and slips out of the truck.

He storms the area and, after seeing the two suitcase bombs, proceeds to kill anything that moves. And when he runs out of bullets, he uses that special mixture of rage and insanity that every man has inside of him. It’s potent, always goes down smooth and gives you the power to do every stupid thought you have in your brain. This includes hanging on to the bottom of a garbage truck, running down a man with a gun pointed at your head, blasting off fake nuclear missiles and eating hotel soap for $5.

The Jack-Fayed fight ensues and includes pipes, chains, the biting of hands (thanks to Jack’s insatiable appetite for human flesh) and kicks to the stomach. In the end, Jack won by stringing up Fayed with chains, telling him to say hello to his brother and hanging him (No cell phone video of the taunting?).

Strikeforce’s reaction: “Damn Jack.” This also marks ground zero for Strikeforce’s eternal man-crush on Jack.

The suitcase bombs are secured and everyone is dead. The day is coming to a close and Jack is ready for that late-night cry into the pillow. Instead, the Asian guy who looks like my dad shows up and has Audrey in captivity who can only utter a strained “Help. Me.”

This proves jack still has the insanity inside of him because he was told hours ago that Audrey was dead. Now every cute, broken voice on the phone sounds like his old girlfriend to him.

Asian guy takes the phone back and tells Jack that Audrey is alive and that China wants “the component” for her life.

I think the Component will be:

-Goya crackers
-the fabled Easy-Bake Oven 6000
-the remote control that can stop time
-a Nintendo Wii (the only thing on this list that justifies kidnapping)

So just when you think your crappy day is over, my dad shows up with a shit-eating grin and pisses on everything you hold dear. Mark my words. Just like my childhood, my dad is here to ruin everything. He will also get drunk, pass out and let out an inhuman snore that will rattle the house.

Evil Robots Will Kill Us All

4.2.07
9 p.m. to 10 p.m.


It’s time to party in the White House bunker, thanks to the 25th Amendment, the hedonistic party of the political world. No other amendment offers this much vague and potentially deadly fun. There are elements of a campaign, an election and a drunken staring contest. The only thing missing from this amendment is a clause that, in an event of a tie, the winner would be decided in a steel cage match.

Such a clause would have been useful since Palmer 2.0’s cabinet has exactly 14 people available to vote. Apparently the White House janitor was busy and couldn’t find the time (or will) to participate.

Palmer 2.0, fresh from his coma nap, is walking around drunk on power thanks to an adrenaline shot. He was offered a wheelchair, but decided against it because he didn’t want to appear, and I quote, “like that bitch Roosevelt.”

He’s a fool. Roosevelt had a rickety wheelchair that screamed geriatric invalid. But now it’s at least 70 years later and we have wheelchairs with four-wheel drive, which screams “Get out of my way!” at a push of a button whenever an FDR wheelchair breaks down in the middle of the hall.

The ground rules for the 25th Amendment state that Palmer 2.0 and the VP are allowed to plead their case. And because I’ve been in a electoral process mood ever since presidential campaigns were launched over two months ago (I totally don’t care anymore. I picked Vilsack to go all the way and that bastard ducked out in the first round), I conducted an impromptu Gallup poll in the living room with my parents and girlfriend (this makes four in all) during the speeches.

Palmer 2.0:
-3 people felt he was smooth and worthy of the presidency, even though it was possible his brain was bleeding into his ear.
-1 person (my dad) forgot who he was. He also wondered if the statement “in possession of my faculties” meant Palmer was holding his testicles in his hand

The VP
-2 people were turned off by his need to “share the pain” instead of the Clintonian model of “feeling pain” (among other things). They also felt his head was unnaturally fat for a human, sparking a debate about evil robots and when they would take over the planet (Final consensus was eight years. Five if China ever watches the movie “I, Robot” and gets ideas)
-1 person was drawn to the VP’s hot assistant and felt she was more competent than the liberal crazies on Palmer’s side
-1 person (my dad) snored loudly and scratched himself during the speech

Commercial Break
Sweet! The Transformers trailer! Boo! They aren’t doing the sound when they transform. This movie will suck because of that.

The vote, by show of hands, was spilt down the middle at seven a piece. But VP Fathead played the “I don’t see you” card by covering his eyes and pointing at K Hay, saying she quit earlier so her vote doesn’t count.

Welcome to America. We can’t protect ourselves from anything or vote without Supreme Court intervention.

In order to win, VP Fathead’s hot assistant offered to perjure herself to the court (sounds sexy) to give proof that the VP wasn’t going to recognize K Hay as the National Security Advisor. Fathead agreed to it and held her hand in thanks. I’m sure Hot Assistant Lisa was looking for more of a bear hug instead.

The entire conversation was caught on tape, thanks to Tom Boy’s micro transmitter and blackmails Fathead to call off his crusade to oust Palmer 2.0.

Mom’s reaction: “That little monkey is very good!”

This concludes our look into the 25th Amendment and I hope you learned that, like the 2nd Amendment, it’s only fun unless someone is shot in the end.

At CTU, sexy-former-terrorist Nadia continues to cocktease Stache with her Arabian good looks. However, Ricky “Strikeforce” Schroder breaks up the love and tells Nadia that Stache may have messed up and she has to help him see if it’s true.

Nadia discovers Stache did mess up and reports it to Strikeforce who immediately covers it up. Why did he do that? Because he’s a man searching for Nukes and religion.

Strikeforce: “I’ve read the Koran, the Bible, the dictionary…even Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead and still don’t have any answers.”

Nadia returns to her station and lies to Stache about what she was talking about with Strikeforce. Thus begins another solid CTU relationship forged through the power of lies and deceit. I give them two, maybe three hours.

Jack, who apparently spent the last 30 minutes giving Gen. Grendenko a death stare, decides to use the Russian as bait to get Fayed. The Russian agrees and is injected with a tracking device in his left arm.

Russian meets with Fayed, rips out the wire under his shirt and tells of Bauer outside waiting to ambush them both. However he has a plan and like all things Russian, it’s completely lacking in reason.

With the help of an ax, the Russian’s arm is hacked off, liberating the terrorists from the tracker and allowing them to roam around the Santa Monica Pier freely and into a hick bar. Outside, Bauer is pinned down by gunfire so he closes his eyes and says the “Show me your head” prayer for help. Don’t ever show Bauer anything, unless it’s a picture of you falling down stairs. He only understands pain.

In the hick bar, the Russian outs Fayed as the terrorist, which is the same as pointing at someone and yelling “gaaaaaaay” in a Catholic Church. Fayed shoots random people before he is stomped by drunk, patriotic Americans. Bauer storms in (fresh from shooting heads outside) and arrests Fayed.

So finally, Abu “I hope your friend is dead!” Fayed is captured and will be brought in, though it may not matter since his crew is itching to bomb anything in sight, even if it’s a Taylor Hicks concert where the causalities would be minimal (though it would mean that Hicks would be gone, so the upside is great).

The one-armed Russian escaped the bar and finds a place under the pier and by the water to have an epic, commie death. Gredenko will be missed. His one mistake was not taking the ax with him so that he could take other severed arms with him into the depths of hell.

Palmer 2.0 is now officially the president again and calls up the doctor for another celebratory shot of adrenaline. The rule is to take one when you wake up and another when you start to feel your organs caving in. You never take it if you’re pregnant or during an erection.

With word that Fayed is captured, though not with the bombs, Palmer 2.0 decides to go ahead and bomb brown people with nukes because no president wants to miss out on the chance of jump-starting World War III.

Speculation on why Palmer launched the nukes
-He dreamed of the future in the coma and is anxious to ski during the nuclear winter
-It’s Fathead in a Palmer mask
-He is actually an evil robot, making the Gallop poll prediction way off

This is the attack Sandra Palmer and K Hay woke Palmer 2.0 from the coma to stop, which proves, once again, that every liberal cause is a lost one and that, in the immortal words of Homer Simpson, the lesson here is “never try.”

Disabled and Disarmed

3.26.07
8 p.m. to 9 p.m.

Jack Bauer found a new friend in his daily fight against terrorism. His name is Brady. He can hack into any computer in the world, will do anything you say (eventually) and loathes all red-colored foods.

Brady is also autistic, making him loose cannon. He can save the world or bring it to its knees, all with a kind smile and a hug. Bauer handles the situation as anyone does when faced with an autistic person: talking calmly and watching out for flailing arms and bites to the arm.

Mark, the brother of Brady, has been using the power of autism to hack into his company’s files for security codes. He sells these to Gredenko for cash and as a way to unwind after a hard day with his disabled brother. And when terrorism isn’t available, he has a shotgun in the corner for fun.

The security codes will help Gredenko target the Edgemont Nuclear Power Facility, his third round pick for places to hit with a suitcase bomb. Prior to this, Edgemont was hardly picked as a target for terrorism, so in terms of potential tourism, this will be a huge boast for the facility’s self-esteem.

At the moment, World War III is hanging in the balance because the VP Noah Daniels wants to send a message to the Middle East by using nuclear bombs instead of Toby Keith songs (I miss the days when patriotism was trendy, fun and profitable).

And what is that message? It’s actually a complicated haiku that involves pet rocks, Goya crackers and ends with the phrase “You can eat my ass.” It’s actually quite beautiful and thought provoking.

The only person who can stop the nuclear insanity is Palmer 2.0, who is in the medical area enjoying a good coma. Since the assassination attempt, the VP has employed the “presidential coma rule.” This means the cabinet has full access to the presidential bathroom, snack cart and Nintendo Wii. If the president is still in a coma after a week, his bedroom is looted.

To avoid war, K Hay (Karen Hayes) talks to Sandra Palmer, a fellow liberal character on the show that has been itching to do something liber-awesome. With a stern smile and two cups of coffee, K Hay convinces SP to have her brother woken up to stop the nuclear strike.

Dr. Welton, who also believes that nuclear war is a bad idea, is scolded by the VP after he’s told Palmer 2.0 could be up and walking soon. Welton treats the VP like an autistic child (remember: calm voice, watch for the biting) and begins work on the president.

Back at CTU, there are more rumblings about CTU: Denver where apparently it was more about weird office interactions and sexual tension than counter-terrorism. And whenever there’s sexual tension, nine times out of time, Ricky Schroder is involved (he had to leave NYPD Blue because Dennis Franz’s jokes about “doing it on the table” were getting a little too frequent and graphic).

Here’s what we were told. Strikeforce “got off” by torturing people, Milo “Stache” Pressman thought Strikeforce was weird and another guy named “Johnson” did something bad and Strikeforce covered for him. I’m too tired to think of something witty for CTU: Denver, so just use the phrase “sausage-fest” and laugh yourself to bed. (JESUS, it’s 2 AM? Where the hell is my crack?)

In the middle of the CTU drama, evidence is uncovered that proves Nadia (sexy brown CTU agent) is innocent of being a terrorist leak and that Strikeforce is more than just a prick. Johnson was setting him up and he didn’t fall for it. The drama ended with Strikeforce getting the final word.

“You screwed with the wrong guy for the last time.” (sounds like a title for a German porn movie).

Milo celebrates Nadia being uncuffed by sexually harassing her in the hallway. Luckily for him, she’s a girl that appreciates a man saying “I’m sorry I thought you were evil” with an uncomfortable kiss in the hallway. I wail at the television one last time and hope that “CTU Denver” returns to its home in the ninth circle of hell.

With the time of the nuclear attack approaching, the fate of the world lies on the shaky shoulders of Brady. Bauer is coaching him in the ways of counter-terrorism by sticking things in his ear and telling him to pretend the voice he hears in his head isn’t real.

Gredenko arrives at the location and gets the information from Brady who is noticeably nervous. The sniper with the tranquilizer gun doesn’t have a shot because Brady is in the way. Bauer tells Brady to get down, which is the equivalent of asking me to do my taxes properly and on time. Luckily for Bauer and the world, Brady hits the ground and the dark hits Gredenko in the throat.

As Gredenko goes to sleep, Palmer 2.0 wakes up and calls off the nuclear strike, ending the couple hours of fun for the VP and giving liberals everywhere the hope that, if they are crazy enough, people will listen.

When Gredenko finally comes to, he strikes a deal with Bauer, saying he’ll help get Fayed as long as he is granted amnesty and he is promised he won’t be returned to Russia. I know. It’s hard to leave the land of Popeye’s Fried Chicken once you’ve had that on so delicious spice.

Attack of the Drone or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Get Off

3.19.07
7 p.m. to 8 p.m.


Audrey Raines, the woman who tamed the savage beast that is Bauer and who was mocked endlessly by some (ok me) for looking like Sheryl Crow, is dead. She got the large, red “DECEASED” stamp all over her file. This made the Bauer cry, mostly because he still has the “KNOCKED UP” stamp in his locker that they bought together. They were going stamp their files together.

Instead, Jack received another present from the world of 24. Just when it seems like he’s down and ready to sob into the knowing arms of a small tree, this box of rage shows up like a warm friend and gives him the strength he needs to kill and press on.

“It's just a box of rage
I don't know who put it there
Believe it if you need it
or leave it if you dare.”

The box of rage was given by Bright Eyes (Dead Bauer Brother’s hot wife) after she made a pass at Bauer and was denied. Bauer, the gentleman that he is, said he had to check in with Audrey to see if things were weird or cool. If things were weird, he would be allowed to get it on with Bright Eyes.

Audrey died in China looking for Jack. DNA was sent over by CTU to confirm it and it must have been legit since her file got the aforementioned red “DECEASED” stamp.

My hope: Audrey is alive and the season will end with her in a cat fight with Bright Eyes, best-out-of –three, winner take all and Bauer gets to launch random water balloons into the ring as everyone cheers.

So now Bauer has emotional pain (the only medicine for that is heroin and he stupidly gave that up) and physical pain with his internal bleeding, which forces him to hug his side from time to time.

The good thing is that both injuries are inside his body, which allows him to dispose of them the same way he gets rid of everything else that’s in him (chicken, bullets, feelings). He pushes it down and stores it for that special moment when he has to commit cannibalism. If it’s stored for too long, it comes out naturally after he eats Mexican food.

Dmitre, the crazy Russian general, is freaking out in the desert because the Americans have uncovered his position, forcing him to launch his legion of drones into the air for an early attack.

What? It’s toy planes controlled with a joystick? I played that Chuck Yeager game when I was kid too and if this is what the government has to fight wars with, then sign me up. I’m going to send my resume that will include my high score and a story about the night a landed a plane while it was raining and I was drunk on Zima. After that, Chuck Yeager personally called me and said that I was “an Army of Fun and to never leave a prostitute behind.”

Only a single drone can be launched in time and it’s headed for San Francisco, presumably to finally wipe out gay marriage and the pathetic 49ers. As expected, LA is pissed the attention is going elsewhere and is planning to gain it back by shaving her head and going into rehab for a weekend.

The VP is also pissed. He’s just waiting for another nuclear bomb to “go off” just so he can bomb the crap out of someone. And he won’t have to wait long. Drones, like teenagers, can “go off” at any moment, with just the right touch.

Though the VP is far from being a teenager, he’s set to “go off” as well, though in his case it takes a lot more time and planning. Things have to be positioned correctly and aimed. Plus, it can only be fired at certain times for the maximum payload. Do this wrong, and you run the risk of throwing out your back and landing on the floor. At this age, you only get one shot, so you have to make it count.

And the money shot for this VP is a tiny brown village inhabited by 2,000 poor people who can’t afford to live in the city. This is how America warns countries she’s pissed at them: she kills the expendable. After that, she goes after pets and raids fridges.

K Hay (Karen Harris), this season’s resident liberal, has returned to the White House just in time to wail that nuclear bombs are bad (there’s always one buzzkill at a party) and unfortunately the Palmer 2.0 is the only person who can do anything to stop it, and he’s stuck in a coma.

With the world on the brink of nuclear war and a drone flying through the air, CTU is busy…trying to figure out if Morris is drunk. Here’s what could have happened in the time wasted on this tired storyline.

-Jack could have left CTU and killed more people
-the drone could have done the elusive triple loop trick on its way to San Fran
-Tom Boy and K Hay could have engaged in a slap fight with them wailing their arms at each other while their eyes were closed.

Morris is sober, which is good because had he been drunk when CTU realized they had a leak, he would have been tortured. Instead, they took the sexy Nadia because she was born in Brown country (Saudi Arabia) and her computer was linked to assisting the drone in avoiding the radar.

How is a leak different from a mole? A leak is when you just pee your pants a little. A mole is when you flat out let it flow with a complete disregard for the safety of yourself and others.

Ricky “Strikeforce” Schroder is quick to point his finger, which angers Milo “Stache” Pressman. This causes Old Man Buchanan to scream like, well an old drunk man. Nadia is brought in for questioning with Strikeforce who, we find out, gets off by hurting people. This makes sense since he’s middle-aged and won’t have to line up an intricate plan involving submarines for a couple of years.

Thanks to a sober Morris, it’s discovered that the drone is being controlled by someone three blocks away from CTU. Three stink’n blocks. I’m beginning to think this day is a cry for help by the Russians. Maybe all they want is a hug.

Bauer, after telling Old Man Buchanan he has taken up the hobby of “revenge concerning Audrey’s murderers, is leading the strike team toward the switch station where the Russian is controlling the drone with a joystick. He didn’t have to be there. A monkey or a mild-mannered gorilla would have done it for a carton of Marlboro Reds.

The Strike team succeeds in shooting people and Bauer takes control of the joystick because the most qualified person to fly a nuclear drone is the guy who has been locked up and tortured in a Chinese prison for the past two years.

Bauer lands the drone in a warehouse area, only to see it crash into something, sending the drone spinning about and catching on fire. The San Francisco police, armed with guns and a gay-dar, determined the area has been spewed upon with radioactive material and sends for haz-mat.

VP hears of this news and decides to bomb the Brown country anyway. Even though the drone didn’t technically get off on America, the drone succeeded in soiling her with his premature, radioactive goo and, as some southern farmers will tell you, that’s enough to rob anyone of their innocence.

Last Exit to Crazytown

3.12.07
6 p.m. to 7 p.m.

Crazytown is back and she’s a different kind of crazy. Instead of popping pills and flailing her arms as she screams at walls, she devours fruit and incorporates hippie phrases like “rebirth” and “happy for my happiness” into daily conversation.

The fruit and hippie-speak don’t do much for her mental stability, but it does make her hair extra curly, which is all an ex-secret service agent needs.

Aaron (Killians. He’s slimmer and much more refreshing. I’m gonna name my first-born Killians so I can call him/her “Kill”), is living the exciting life of caring for the insane. This involves answering phones, telling the patient to calm down so they don’t get “all stirred up” and occasional rumps in the sack. It’s fun to have sex with the insane, except when they cover their eyes and howl. Then sex turns into therapy…for everyone involved.

But no amount of fruit or strange sex could prepare Crazytown for the call from her ex-husband, the shamed President Charles Logan (Bug-Eyes) who routinely receives the five-second “shame stare” any time he goes out in public. The Wiggles get the same treatment, but only because they’re creepy.

(And the only thing creepier than the Wiggles is hearing Ryan Seacrest say “This is where it gets huge” as he stares at you from the television.)

Bug-Eyes needs her help. There’s a terrorist with nuclear bombs and the Russian consulate is turning into the actual Russia where people run around drunk with fear and everyone is paranoid because the vodka supply is gone.

Instead of using military force, political discussions, or anything else that makes sense (like the “I-got-your-nose” trick), CTU has given the green-light for Bug-Eyes to ask Crazytown to save the world by doing what women do best: gossip. The only person who can get through to the Russian president is his wife. And the only American his wife will speak to is Crazytown. And people wonder why Russia isn’t respected anymore.

CTU hasn’t lost all its balls. They get a shot of mindless testosterone courtesy of a silver spoon filled with a heavy dose of Ricky “Strikeforce” Schroder.



Strikeforce has one mission and that’s to liberate Markov, the Russian consulate. If he happens to see Bauer along the way, he has the option of offering him a ride back to CTU, but he gets to pick the music they listen to on the way.

As always, Stache (Milo who is now donning a trendy sling) has a problem with Strikeforce, as he does with anyone who talks to sexy Nadia. Or maybe he’s upset because he’s realizing just how silly thin mustaches are.

Strikeforce does exactly what his name implies. He’s in your face, he yells at you when you try to be funny and, as long as you give him 20 minutes, he can successfully storm castles, day-care centers and Pizza Huts.

The newly-in-power VP is given the news that Strikeforce is itch’n and bitch’n to get a move on, but he’s hesitant because he doesn’t want a war with Russia, the country that hasn’t been a world power since “Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow” brought her to her knees.

Instead, the VP wants to go to war with “the country that housed the terrorist Assad.” The country is never named because it’s hard to decide which one has the most evil brown people in it, so it’s best to remain vague.

Tom Boy is forced to lie to the ambassador of the brown people and confess that he saw Assad with the tape-recorded bomb moments before it went off. Prior to this, the VP assured Tom Boy that Chad Lowe and the other guy would be punished. They will go where all white criminal politicos go: a 10,000 square-foot ranch with a swimming pool and tennis court. The downside? No more access to preteen boys and chocolate.

The VP is pissed and ready to “retaliate with a nuclear option.” Americans never say bomb. It’s sooo 1990s.

He even goes as far as threatening the full force of the American military. And as history has taught us, this means civil war, civilian strife and a condemned palace masquerading as a court house for the country that’s invaded.

Inside the Russian consulate, Jack Bauer is being treated like a 10 year old at a funhouse. He’s thrown down stairs with his hands tied up and threatened with a gun to the face (What kind of funhouses did you go to?).

And, like we all did at that age, Jack does anything he can to survive. This time, instead of cannibalism, Bauer steals the belt of a dead guy and uses it as a lasso to disarm the Russian who’s about to shoot him. This is more proof that whatever Bauer touches can be turned into a weapon. Next week he’ll be walking around with a banana and a stapler, ready for action.

The Russians are freaking out and have cut all power and outside communication to the consulate. Bauer, limping around with a gun, finds a couple in the basement (they’re probably Ukrainian pretending to be Russian). Bauer yells that he wants to talk to the outside world, which is ironic since every Russian child yells the same thing in the streets of Moscow.

With a new sense of power that she could “save the world,” Crazytown agrees to talk to the Russian wife. However, the three of them, Killians, Crazytown and Bug-Eyes are forced to talk about the unfortunate weirdness between them as they wait for the Russian wife to be available. This is what happens when you don’t have magazines or Jenga on the coffee table.

Bug-Eyes admits it’s weird for him to see Crazytown with another man, but says that Killians is a good one and that he’s happy for his ex-wife. This drives Crazytown nuts and exercises her scorned-woman’s right by stabbing her ex-husband with a knife.

When asked later if she can handle the phone call to the Russian wife, her reply is: “Of course. I’m not crazy.” You know what sane people never have to say? “I’m not crazy.”

The call is placed and the Russian prez is convinced. But the consulate won’t stand down, forcing Strikeforce to implement his plan created a mere 20 minutes ago. The building is stormed and the consulate is killed, but not before he warned Crazy Ivan (Gen. Gredenko) to launch all the drones in the desert, which are ready to be armed.

These are evil drones, armed with pain and suffering. Some will deliver nuclear bombs while others will deliver cold anchovy pizzas. No matter which one you get, you’ll be left with tears, an empty stomach and a little bit of sorrow.

24 Spinoff from Body Oder Killers

Rodney Charters needs coffee

By Eddie Shoebang
Editor
CTU: Rookie

Those looking for last week's recap click here.

Jack Bauer may have the anti-terrorism skills, balls of steel and the ability to run around for 24 hours without hunger pains. But there’s a new guy in town and he takes the missions that Jack won’t.

“I need five double espressos, four coffees with five sugars and cream…hold on. Make that six coffees.”

So begins the CTU Rookie, a series of webisodes brought to us by Degree Men, the deodorant that protects men who take risks, which includes jumping off buildings, being single and marking three deductions on your W4 and creating a spin-off of 24 that is part show and part advertisement.

Rodney Charters, the director of photography on “24” since season one, was brought on to helm the project so that the look and feel of the webisodes would feel authentic to fans of the show.

“This was a great opportunity to do some great drama for the net,” Charters said. “It’s a new type of advertising that doesn’t infiltrate our show.”

There are currently three short webisodes up on the site (all under three minutes) and the only advertising we see is the logo of Degree Men in the beginning. The rest is all CTU: The Rookie, which highlights the trials and tribulations of a new agent just trying to get his feet wet.



The rookie is Jason Blaine who is played by Jeremy Valdez. Fans will recognize Valdez as the petty officer from season five who was taught how to slit a man's throat in the Russian sub by Jack Bauer. If you don’t recognize him, congratulations, you have a life.

In terms of appearance and action, the webisodes are like tiny siblings of “24,” save for one major difference.

“There’s a lot more humor in here then we’re allowed to do in 24,” Charters said. “Nobody smiles on the set of 24.”

The rookie is joined by two supporting characters Angie Lawson (Palmer Davis) and Alton Maxwell (Eric Beck).

Currently fans can view the entire “Coffee Run” webisode and a second one, titled “Get This to…” will star airing in late March. Eventually, these will turn into commercials/short films that will air on television and feature a “24-esque cliffhanger.”

Could this mean that “24” is this generation’s “Law & Order”?

“Without Kiefer, there is no 24,” Charters said. “I can’t imagine anyone else playing him. And there are certainly people higher up who want to turn this into a James Bond-like franchise.”

That means my hope to see “24: Camp Counselor” and “24: Mall Security” in the near future is still alive.

Word on the Street: According to Charters, at the end of Day Six, there will be an animated series released called “Day Zero” and will act as a “24” prequel. Whether or not the actors would voice the characters or if the stories would even be about Jack are unknown.

And if you're feeling nostalgic about 24 spinoffs, the mobisodes of "24: Conspiracy is available on YouTube. These mobisodes were released during season four and gives another story line told in minute-long recaps.

Freedom Isn't Free

3.5.07
5 p.m. to 6 p.m.

While most people dream of hitting a 300 million dollar jackpot or scoring a threesome with models, Jack Bauer goes to sleep each night and dreams of a country that hasn’t been infiltrated by dirty and annoying consulates, which are the guest rooms America provides for her international friends.

Bauer freaks out in consulates the same way I freak out at dinner parties when someone insists I use the “dinner fork” instead of “my hands.” And, just like Bauer, I end up taking someone hostage and threaten to cut off their fingers. No one tells me I can’t eat with my hands.

To avoid the mistakes of past consulate stormings, Bauer goes in alone, barks out Russian phrases to blend in and tucks his government issued ear piece away. Instead of looking like a government agent breaking the law on international ground, he just looks like a crazy guy in a suit who wandered away from the tour because he really wants to check out the inner doings of a consulate.

Bug-Eyes had gone in the consulate before in the hope of extracting information from the Russian consul about the whereabouts of Gen. Grendenko, the Crazy Ivan of terrorists who just wants to start a good old war between America and all the Arab countries.

Crazy Ivan is also concerned since his name is now known by CTU which casues him to yell “Russia is exposed!” I’ve never seen Russia exposed, but I’m sure it’s gross and unsanitary.

The former president is hardly in the right condition to be doing any talking, especially to real people. For the last two years, he’s passed the time in house arrest by talking to his reflection in the mirror and listening to the voice of his “deepest self,” which most people call a bowel movement. If his “deepest self” is still talking after all this time, then he should swallow a bottle of laxatives and get it over with.

It’s surprising Bauer even trusts the opinion of Bug-Eyes. Before entering the consul, Bauer treated Bug-Eyes with the same contempt he puts on any senior citizen who comes up to him and says they “just want to help.” The only thing these people can do is show you where the door is in a Wal-Mart. And some of them can’t even do that properly.

After some quick torture, Bauer finds out that Crazy Ivan is in Shadow Valley launching drones in the air and will have the rest of the nukes airborne in the next two hours. He also finds out that Russians are good at blowing up doors and finds himself detained in the consulate.

He already called Old Man Buchanan to tell him what he did and was given the standard “You’re screwed” speech. Has Buchanan done anything in recent episodes besides telling people they’re screwed and watching television?

Bauer did convince one Russian to call CTU with Crazy Ivan’s location, but he was shot in the head, which is the standard punishment for a Russian guard who leaves his post.

Palmer 2.0 has been hit with shrapnel and, as of now, is lucky to be alive, especially since the doctors who are working on him were trained by watching the 1987 comedies "Critical Condition" and "Disorderlines."

The culprits of the assassination attempt have done well. Palmer 2.0 is out of commission and everything is being blamed on a now-dead Assad, whose plan for a peaceful resolution among terrorists ended with a tape-recorder bomb during a press conference. Silly Assad. Peace is for kids.

Meanwhile, the politicos are chanting “Tom Lennox” wherever they go since Chad Lowe has done such a convincing job of covering for him with his bumbling explanations and bad hair. He sould have just shook his head, mumbled “Fantasy Baseball” and people would have understood Lennox’s absence.

Tom Boy is still tied up and guarded by Carson who can make a bomb out of a tape recorder and make a death look like a suicide. All you need is a gun and a sharpie. You write “I did this” on your enemy’s forehead before you shoot them. This is taught in the Boy Scouts and summer camp. If you don’t remember this, then you were probably the kid everyone wanted to kill.

Chad Lowe doesn’t want to kill Tom Boy. They killed the president for the good of the country, but killing Tom Boy would only benefit Lowe and Carson. This is why Chad Lowe isn’t a huge movie star. He refuses to kill anyone.

After being let go, Tom Boy predictably turns on Chad and Carson, telling the secret service that they were responsible for the assassination attempt. Tom Boy even turns himself in and asks to be arrested.

Mum’s reaction: “Well, he got balls now!”
Mum’s reward for finally contributing to the blog: a handful of Pop Rocks

VP Noah Daniels has been circling in Air Force One, determined not to land until he can take over as president. Now that he is, there are two things he wants to get done: implement the “aggressive agenda of national security” (all Brown people go to jail) and showing off his hot assistant.

The VP sees Tom Boy and doesn’t want to hear that Assad is innocent. Instead, he wants Tom Boy to jump back in the game and get on board with the “Browns go Down” plan he helped write. Tom Boy finally gets to push his plan, but only at the cost of condemning an innocent man. The lesson here? Don’t do anything ever and you’ll never feel shame.

America is at war and, according to the VP, the price of that excursion is the suspension of certain civil liberties. For most people, this means phones will be tapped, computers will be monitored, smoking will be banned in your car and gay marriage will continue to be described as “icky.” For everyone else who subscribes to the ideology of Team America: World Police, freedom costs a buck o'five.

Bearded Up and Back for More

2.26.07
4 p.m. to 5 p.m.

Jack just ordered CTU to arrest his father stating that “It’s complicated” as a reason. Wait, does that work? I don’t even have to say it’s complicated. Here’s a list of punishable offenses my old man commits on a daily basis

-breathing loudly
-complete disregard for personal hygiene
-his snore rattles the houses and scares neighborhood cats
-begins every conversation with the phrase “No, you’re wrong…”
-points to things he wants and grunts when you pick up the hammer instead of the mixed nuts.

Bauer is also planning to explain this complicated day to Josh, spawn of Bright Eyes and Dead Brother Bauer. That should be a fun bedtime story for Josh, especially the part when he finds out Jack and his mom banged once.

Josh: “You could’ve been my dad?”
Bauer: “I’m partly your dad. Bauer sperm never leaves a woman’s body. Never. This is why you have great anger and a predilection to torture.”

President Logan (Bug-Eyes) is back and bearded up for the occasion. It’s the standard issue beard, given to crazed movie stars, shamed political leaders, and bargain-bin Santas during the holidays.

Bug-Eyes pleaded guilty to everything and was put on house arrest, complete with the Secret Service and horses. The horses are there for companionship. The Secret Service is there in case Bug-Eyes attempts to elevate his relationship with the horses to “the next level.”

He’s also a changed man. Terrorism isn’t cool anymore, dressing himself is easy, and his best friend is the reflection he sees in the mirror. The Secret Service doesn’t care that his mind has slipped, just as long as he respects the personal space of Seabiscuit.

Bug-Eyes knows how to get to Crazy Ivan, the crazy Russian who is trying to start a war between the West and the Arabs so that they can destroy each other. Starting wars is also known as the Vizzini Plan and is a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition. What? It never works?! Inconceivable!

Nevertheless, the Russian is determined and, thanks to his impeccable house cleaning skills, has eluded capture from CTU, an agency that needs the trash you leave behind to find you.

Because there are no leads, Bug-Eyes wants to help, insisting that he wants nothing in return. He knows the Russian consulate and, if he meets him face-to-face, should be able to get the information CTU needs.

Bauer: “I don’t trust you.”

This is typical Bauer-speak. He says it to his enemies and to the hippies who hand out pamphlets to him on the street.

And wait, a consulate? Why is Jack going near a consulate? Does he really want to visit Russia that badly? Maybe he wants to go there to give the Rocky IV speech so that he can end this sequel to the Cold War.

Random: I’m glad 24 was brought to me courtesy of Victoria Secret tonight and even happier that it took them four commercials of half-naked women to sell…was it bras or prostitution? Either one is good in my book.

Bundy is raising suspicion at CTU because he armed a nuclear bomb earlier and he has a penchant for booze. He can’t go home to cry on his bed because CTU only has the budget to hire one really good tech guy. The rest of the money is wasted on cases of Yoo-Hoos and Jack Bauer bobbleheads that say “Who are you working for?” with the press of a button.

Sexy Nadia doesn’t trust Bundy and has done all she can to tell people he has to go (whispered in the hall, called him a fool in front of Old Man Buchanan, created a “fuck-up” folder complete with a stack of 8X10 glossy photographs with a paragraph on the back of each one).

Scowl Face continues to cover for Bundy, even though it turns out that he’s been walking around with a half bottle of booze in his back pocket. It would have been better if he got trashed at work and started singing Journey’s "Any Way You Want It." Instead, like a wuss, he dumped the booze into the sink.

Palmer 2.0 is looking for Tom Boy, his advisor who has ideas to lock up every brown person in America. Ironically, Tom Boy is imprisoned in a large room as his buddy Huckleberry (we got so close to seeing Chad Lowe cry tonight. It’s gotta come soon. It’s the only thing that guy knows how to do well…besides getting dumped).

Huckleberry has brought in “a specialist,” who was easy enough to get past the Secret Service because “specialist” translates to “harmless dork” in their language. Unfortunately, this specialist has been trained to turn a voice recorder into a bomb using liquid from highlighters. I shudder to think what kind of bomb a Sharpie could produce.

The bomb must be placed near Beard (the terrorist turned good) and Palmer 2.0 must be within ten feet of the blast radius. Huckleberry is given the task of placing the bomb, even though the idea of “killing the president” has “just hit him,” as if he thought of this plan during an extended bowel movement and never believed it would work.

The bomb is placed in the podium where Beard and Palmer 2.0 will make their “All You Need is Love” speech to the world. Huckleberry has the detonation code, punches it in, and holds back the tears. But Beard, the trained terrorist that he is, noticed the brown goo dripping around the podium and screamed “bomb!”

In the end, Beard looked pretty mangled as did Palmer 2.0, furthering the notion that presidents are expendable in the world of 24 and that the Palmer family should give up politics and just run a farm in the Midwest where the only enemies you have are the weather and the horny badger who lives in the woods.