So Dark, the Con of Bauer

5 a.m. to 7 a.m.
5.22.2006

The first twenty minutes of episode one had no commercials and barely any time to breathe. The Russian sub had been taken over, the missiles were being aimed at "high density areas (which had to be Red Light Distracts and crack houses at this hour), and the Alliance (Bauer and Anti-Bauer) were preparing to stop the attack.

With no one else en route, the Alliance had to rely on a "petty officer" (minority) who survived the gas attack. He was an engineer and, like others in his field, had to be given a step-by-step tutorial on how to kill a man.

1. Find weapon
2. Get mad
3. Put weapon in "good" hand
4. Sneak up on bad man
5. Stay mad
6. Grab head. Be sure to maintain same level of rage
7. Slit throat/vocal chords so he can't scream
8. If you miss throat, increase rage and start stabbing repetitively

Bauer wrote "Kill anything in 3.5 seconds for Dummies," so he's good at teaching people how to kill. When not working, Bauer volunteers at children's hospitals and entertains them by passing out free copies of his book and doing a quick demonstration. From what I hear from the cancer kids, he's a big hit, especially when he takes down an angry clown.

The Alliance entered the sub just as Warlock punched in the codes to annihilate most of San Francisco, probably because gay marriage creeps him out. Anti-Bauer worked on shutting down the launch as Bauer and the CTU drone hunt for the rest of Warlock's men.

CTU drone does his job by getting killed and exposing the enemy. After melting a guy's face to a pipe, Bauer wrestles with Warlock and even takes a wrench to the head without getting knocked out (That makes sense. Wrenches aren't concussion inducing at all).

Bauer eventually kills him with his "monkey technique" by hanging on a pipe and snapping Warlock's neck with his feet. He usually does monkey sounds. I don't know why he didn't this time. Oh right, he was hit with a wrench.

The launch has been stopped and the Alliance is now broken. Anti-Bauer wanted a new life and to disappear. But Bauer was never going to let him go. Bauer never even gave him a loaded gun. The gun was loaded with pain and anguish, which does hurt a great deal, but it doesn't completely kill a man. However, a bullet to the throat can.

With Anti-Bauer dead, Bauer is now focused on taking out another enemy: Logan. If Bauer has time, he'll take out his other nemesis: the tenacious beaver that constantly knocks over his trash cans at his summer cabin. Even after 100 rounds into the bushes and a controlled fire, that damn beaver continues to live.

Naturally, he needs help and calls Scowl-Face for a favor. He wants some field equipment modified. He also wants her to feed his goldfish "Hacksaw" since he won't be returning to CTU.

There's always a surprise at the end of a 24 season and since it began with a sexy secret from Scowl-Face, it's fitting it ended with another guy she had sex with (which brings the official count to two and giving hope to computer nerds everywhere).

Scowl-Face was married and now that guy sells woman's shoes in Beverly Hills. Even more shocking is that the guy is witty, charming, and seems like the type who would hang out in hotel bars to pick up lonely woman. Only instead of buying them a drink, he shows them how big his hard-drive is ("Two hundred gigs in the palm of your hand?! Who are you?").

His name is Morris O'Brien and since he was the one that gave Scowl-Face her last name, I can only assume he's also the one that gave her that lovable attitude, probably by having cybersex with Scowl-Face's mortal Internet enemy, HottieBigBoobs18. Don't let the number fool you. She's really 34 and she's not that hot. She just knows how to type vulgar words really fast.

And a shoe salesman? For reals? Couldn't he find something more respectable like working at a movie theater or sweeping up elephant crap at the zoo? Maybe the divorce with Scowl-Face was so horrible that a life in retail was the only way for him to get rid of the pain. Or maybe he just digs feet.

Crazytown has brought Novick on board by telling him she's "more sober…and sane" than she's ever been. Finally, after 23 hours, the drugs have kicked in. She must have Medicare. If only she had Canadian healthcare and access to weed, Mother Nature's painkiller.

With Novick, Crazytown, and Aaron working together, they have formed the trifecta of truth. They are like the Mod Squad for the middle-aged and criminally insane. Crazytown flaps her arms and yells, Novick tries to talk people out of things, and Aaron shoots people. They also perform karaoke together on Friday nights.

Logan is on his way to see Palmer's body shipped to Virginia and is in a hurry. He has to be stalled so Bauer can sneak on the presidential helicopter. Crazytown is sent in and after trying to distract Logan with an apology and her feelings, she lures him into her love trap by giving him the green light to pounce on her.

Nasty, weird, 5 a.m. sex was just enough for Bauer to change places with the co-pilot and get on the plane. Logan, after doing a five-minute hump, gets on the helicopter with the secret service and the mission is on.

If the power of Bauer isn't enough to compel Logan to confess, Bauer is determined to take it "as far as I have to" to make things right. That either means torture or taking off his pants.

Inside an abandoned printing press facility (the new American ghost town since no one reads newspapers anymore), Bauer handcuffed Logan to a pipe and patted him down for weapons. Bauer finds a cell phone, a pen, a speech, and a very erect penis thanks to a Vigara-Cialis cocktail. Morris showed up earlier to give Bauer a case of CTU goodies.

I expected torture, maybe even some nose pulling and gun poking in the eye. Instead, we got Bauer yelling about how he's lost everything good in his life (what about Scowl-Face? Sheryl Crow? His Freedom Satchel??) and him counting to three while aiming a gun at Logan's head.

Logan: "You can't do this Bauer. You love the country too much."

It was true. Just like his love for heroin, Bauer's love for his country was too strong to ignore and he was unable to pull the trigger, allowing him to be detained and Logan set free.

Before Logan gets to her, Novick informed Crazytown that Bauer was unable to extract anything from Logan. This was her cue to go crazy and to start screaming "murderer" and "limp dick" for everyone to hear. Personally, I'd rather be known as a killer instead of a guy who couldn't get it up, but that's just me.

Crazytown ran into a hanger and yelled about all the bad things Logan has done throughout the day. Logan yelled about how he was used for sex. I yelled at the television because I wanted Bauer to fall from the ceiling with a gun or bust through a wall wearing the Duffman costume from the Simpsons and yelling "Duffman! Oh yea! Busted!"

But no. None of that happened and Logan left to give a speech about how he's had a crappy but awesome day all at the same time. The speech had the same kind of misguided enthusiasm as a banner screaming "Mission Accomplished" would have had.

Back at CTU 2.0, Scowl-Face has got the Attorney General on the phone again (that's twice he's been bothered by the same agency. If it happens a third time in the same day, he's within his rights to burn that agency to the ground).

K Hay and Old Man Buchanan are super pissed until they hear Recording 2.0, this time in enhanced surround sound. The device was hidden in Logan's pen and was enough to bring Logan down and bring an end to Bauer's long day of mayhem. Bauer fooled us all.

The day is over and just like the last day of school before summer vacation, the atmosphere is filled with horny anticipation and tears. Old Man Buchanan, feeling pretty confident with his Cialis pills in his belly (good for 36 hours so you can bang on your time, not the pills) muster's up the courage to ask K Hay to breakfast. She says no, but takes a raincheck, which really means she wants to bang in the parking lot (woman can sense a man with a belly full of Cialis).

Scowl-Face shared an emotional moment with a picture of her and Edgar. They are both smiling, probably because it was taken at the annual CTU picnic. Morris put his hand around her and brings her away, most likely to buy her a new pair of shoes.

As for Bauer and Sheryl Crow, they have a moment together on the street in the warm LA morning sun. But, as always, the two of them ruin their chances by saying things like "Everything's gonna be all right" and "Be right back." Those are death statements and should only be uttered in horror movies and in the uncharted forests of Maine.

Just when I think the season will end happily, the Chinese show up and ruin everything. They took Bauer away and beat the crap out of him. They are still pissed from Season 4 (Whatever. They are always pissed) and want to bring Bauer back to China for a good caning and a life of torture.

It's that same Chinese bastard that reminds me of my dad from last season. And, just like pops, he shows up randomly to ruin your life.

So as Sheryl Crow screams frantically for her man, Bauer is hauled off in a ship bound for China, beat up, bruised and with only one eye open. He's on his way for what will undoubtedly be the worst day of his life, because no matter how bad an American day is, life is always ten times worse in China. Mostly because they lack a sense of humor.

See you in 2K7…