Freedom Isn't Free

3.5.07
5 p.m. to 6 p.m.

While most people dream of hitting a 300 million dollar jackpot or scoring a threesome with models, Jack Bauer goes to sleep each night and dreams of a country that hasn’t been infiltrated by dirty and annoying consulates, which are the guest rooms America provides for her international friends.

Bauer freaks out in consulates the same way I freak out at dinner parties when someone insists I use the “dinner fork” instead of “my hands.” And, just like Bauer, I end up taking someone hostage and threaten to cut off their fingers. No one tells me I can’t eat with my hands.

To avoid the mistakes of past consulate stormings, Bauer goes in alone, barks out Russian phrases to blend in and tucks his government issued ear piece away. Instead of looking like a government agent breaking the law on international ground, he just looks like a crazy guy in a suit who wandered away from the tour because he really wants to check out the inner doings of a consulate.

Bug-Eyes had gone in the consulate before in the hope of extracting information from the Russian consul about the whereabouts of Gen. Grendenko, the Crazy Ivan of terrorists who just wants to start a good old war between America and all the Arab countries.

Crazy Ivan is also concerned since his name is now known by CTU which casues him to yell “Russia is exposed!” I’ve never seen Russia exposed, but I’m sure it’s gross and unsanitary.

The former president is hardly in the right condition to be doing any talking, especially to real people. For the last two years, he’s passed the time in house arrest by talking to his reflection in the mirror and listening to the voice of his “deepest self,” which most people call a bowel movement. If his “deepest self” is still talking after all this time, then he should swallow a bottle of laxatives and get it over with.

It’s surprising Bauer even trusts the opinion of Bug-Eyes. Before entering the consul, Bauer treated Bug-Eyes with the same contempt he puts on any senior citizen who comes up to him and says they “just want to help.” The only thing these people can do is show you where the door is in a Wal-Mart. And some of them can’t even do that properly.

After some quick torture, Bauer finds out that Crazy Ivan is in Shadow Valley launching drones in the air and will have the rest of the nukes airborne in the next two hours. He also finds out that Russians are good at blowing up doors and finds himself detained in the consulate.

He already called Old Man Buchanan to tell him what he did and was given the standard “You’re screwed” speech. Has Buchanan done anything in recent episodes besides telling people they’re screwed and watching television?

Bauer did convince one Russian to call CTU with Crazy Ivan’s location, but he was shot in the head, which is the standard punishment for a Russian guard who leaves his post.

Palmer 2.0 has been hit with shrapnel and, as of now, is lucky to be alive, especially since the doctors who are working on him were trained by watching the 1987 comedies "Critical Condition" and "Disorderlines."

The culprits of the assassination attempt have done well. Palmer 2.0 is out of commission and everything is being blamed on a now-dead Assad, whose plan for a peaceful resolution among terrorists ended with a tape-recorder bomb during a press conference. Silly Assad. Peace is for kids.

Meanwhile, the politicos are chanting “Tom Lennox” wherever they go since Chad Lowe has done such a convincing job of covering for him with his bumbling explanations and bad hair. He sould have just shook his head, mumbled “Fantasy Baseball” and people would have understood Lennox’s absence.

Tom Boy is still tied up and guarded by Carson who can make a bomb out of a tape recorder and make a death look like a suicide. All you need is a gun and a sharpie. You write “I did this” on your enemy’s forehead before you shoot them. This is taught in the Boy Scouts and summer camp. If you don’t remember this, then you were probably the kid everyone wanted to kill.

Chad Lowe doesn’t want to kill Tom Boy. They killed the president for the good of the country, but killing Tom Boy would only benefit Lowe and Carson. This is why Chad Lowe isn’t a huge movie star. He refuses to kill anyone.

After being let go, Tom Boy predictably turns on Chad and Carson, telling the secret service that they were responsible for the assassination attempt. Tom Boy even turns himself in and asks to be arrested.

Mum’s reaction: “Well, he got balls now!”
Mum’s reward for finally contributing to the blog: a handful of Pop Rocks

VP Noah Daniels has been circling in Air Force One, determined not to land until he can take over as president. Now that he is, there are two things he wants to get done: implement the “aggressive agenda of national security” (all Brown people go to jail) and showing off his hot assistant.

The VP sees Tom Boy and doesn’t want to hear that Assad is innocent. Instead, he wants Tom Boy to jump back in the game and get on board with the “Browns go Down” plan he helped write. Tom Boy finally gets to push his plan, but only at the cost of condemning an innocent man. The lesson here? Don’t do anything ever and you’ll never feel shame.

America is at war and, according to the VP, the price of that excursion is the suspension of certain civil liberties. For most people, this means phones will be tapped, computers will be monitored, smoking will be banned in your car and gay marriage will continue to be described as “icky.” For everyone else who subscribes to the ideology of Team America: World Police, freedom costs a buck o'five.