The Language of Force

1.22.07
10 a.m. to 11 a.m.

So everyone is freaking out because a nuclear bomb has exploded in LA and there are four more of these things roaming around and JACK HAS A BROTHER? And he’s dorky looking??

Graham (Bad Bauer), the evil bald white guy from last season, was revealed to be Jack’s brother. Even more distressing than that was the fact that Bad Bauer nailed such a hot looking wife, a wife who is apparently Bauer’s sloppy seconds and the hot crippled wife from Heroes.

It’s been a long time since Jack has seen his brother, so he’s going to make up for lost time by playing one if his favorite games: torture. I was hoping for something with the lamp again, but instead we got the classic plastic bag over the head. Ah, those Bauer boys, always trying to kill each other.

Here’s what a typical Saturday was like in the Bauer household when the brothers were younger.

Bauer: “Gray, I know you took my cookies. Just tell me why.
Gray: “But I didn’t. I was just…why do you have a wrench?”
Bauer: “I don’t want to hurt you, but I will if you don’t cooperate. Now. WHERE ARE MY COOKIES!”
Gray: “Mom!!!”
Bauer: “Your mother can’t help you now!” (whap!) “WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!”

Having Jack Bauer as brother must have been awesome with the impromptu interrogations, his intense secrecy, and random punches to the face. And let’s not forget the constant criticisms like “Jack wouldn’t have eaten his peas like that” or “Training wheels huh? Jack just hotwired a car.”

As always, Jack doesn’t have time for family or explanations. He needs to find his father, mostly because the psychiatry help CTU offered in the past did little to quell his daddy issues. That and papa Bauer may have had a drink or two with a known terrorist.

If it wasn’t for that bomb, Bauer would have gone home, rented the final season of Will & Grace. Instead, he’s having a family reunion and being forced to talk to his estranged father. The rest of the world calls this “Sunday dinner.”
Bauer’s gotta be pissed. Had he made a decade the national “I hate my dad” organization would have given him a set of steak knives because the thing disgruntled sons need the most are more weapons.

Old Man Buchanan was skeptical of Beard’s cooperation, despite him giving up all his evil brown friends at CTU. The Old Man even gave Beard a cold greeting by refusing to shake his hand. That was foolish. You can tell a lot from a handshake. If it’s firm, they’re good. If it’s wet, they’re weird. If they only shake your pinky finger, kill them immediately. You’ll be doing the government, and society, a favor.

Quote of the Night: “Why does everyone I know keep dying?” –Scowl Face
Who else says that: old people and high school students

K Hay talked weird in the phone. Maybe the radiation already has her.

The Buch: Hello?
K Hay: Are you. Ok.
The Buch: God. Do you have to talk like a lost ten-year-old boy all the time?
K Hay: We’re in the. Bunker now. Is there anything new on. Your. End. (pause. Then says “End” again, but lightens her voice so he knows it’s a question).
The Buch: I’m going to torture you with a lamp later.

The White House is understandably disheveled. They are in the bunker, a place where politicians hide from the world and debate about speeches. This time it was whether or not to put the phrase “nuclear bomb” in a presidential speech, much like the time Clinton wondered if he should refrain from saying “Blow me” and “Hmmm tastes good” in public after the Lewinsky incident.

The speech has to be good because people are running manically in the street, the same way movie theater patrons lose it when they see the name “Daniel Baldwin” or “Jimmy Fallon” on the screen.

According to one admiral, the only thing left to do is use the “language of force” and, with said language, have a conversation with every nation on the planet that lives in the sand. I did pretty poorly in my “language of force” class in college, but here’s what I remember.

Punches and kicks mean “How’s it going?”
Bullet to the shoulder means “Don’t look at my sister.”
Bullet to the heart means “I dislike your existence greatly.”
Flaming bag of poo means “You’re my best friend.”
Nuclear Bomb means “We have to talk.”

Walid, the only brown guy who isn’t a terrorist on this show, is placing himself in the circle of his terrorist brothers who are being held in a detention center. After a mock beat-up, Walid is given a wire and told to be a snitch. Since all brown people are natural terrorists, Walid slides in nicely. Sassy is pissed about everything (it must be that time of the month). She’s going to ruin everything, I can feel it. And then I’ll add “liberal lawyers” to the ever-growing list of people this show 24 has taught me to hate. Here’s what I have so far:

-Muslims
-Asians
-Bald white men
-cheerleaders
-cougars

Though there are four more Suitcase Bombs in Bald’s possession, he doesn’t have the special device to program them. And since all the programmers he knows are either dead or useless, he’s reduced to spreading terror by running over children in a red minivan. Until his contact can find someone who can replicate a device made by drunk Russians during the Cold War.
Road rage isn’t as effective as a nuke, but it’s just as scary. No one likes a crazy driver behind a minivan…especially if he’s brown.