Con Air and Straw Dogs

1.15.07
8 a.m. to 10 a.m.

Fortune Magazine is wrong. CTU is the best place to work for. Where else can a former employee get his job back by ignoring direct orders, breaking traffic laws and getting your friend, who happens to be a known terrorist, a full pardon by the president? The only other job that comes close is one as a security guard in a prison, but that’s only if you’re dirty.

The malls of America are getting bombed and Palmer 2.0 is feeling the pressure to get something, anything accomplished that would be a step in the right direction. So far, he’s ignored advice from The Bauer and shown everyone he means business by constantly whispering in a low voice.
When Bald called in demanding that 110 enemy combatants be released and flown out to safety, Palmer 2.0 could only show his anger with a slight whisper and a furrowed brow. If he wants to be half the Palmer his brother was, he’s gonna have to reach down and pull the ghetto out of his gut.

As Palmer made arrangements for Con Air, Bauer and Beard followed a terrorist drone out of the city and because they are losing the camouflage of traffic, Bauer convinced Beard that the only way to continue their pursuit is to call CTU and to compromise a little.

Beard reacted the way any man would when the word “compromise” is uttered in a conversation. He cringed, stared straight ahead with eyeballs of disdain and imagined killing small woodland creatures with a stick. After the last bunny was killed, he agreed to compromise.

Bauer: “Chloe, it’s Jack.”
Scowl Face: “Jack! I never thought I’d hear your voice again.”
Bauer: “I don’t have the time for this Lifetime moment. And besides, I’ve been debriefed about you doing everyone at CTU. Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island?”

Oh you didn’t hear? After the untimely and tragic death of Edgar (I miss that lispy fat man so much), Scowl Face got down with Milo (who is now Stache since I noticed he’s going for the Vincent Price look) but eventually chose Bundy, the ex who is just as good at computers and has a penchant for selling women’s shoes.
And when I say “get down” it means Scowl Face and Stache saw a couple of movies and made-out in the back. Yes, that’s what makes her a whore.

CTU, as always, can’t help Bauer because their entire operation has gone to shit since Bauer left. They can’t stay on top of leads and can’t win the annual charity softball game against Girl Scout Troop 53. It still kicks ass to work there because of the access to weapons and the booze they keep hidden in the walls.

Old Man Buchanan: “DAMMIT People! We have to be better and faster!” –relevant to both anti-terrorism and softball

To improvise, Bauer steals a car by shoving an innocent man away and yelling “Don’t get up.” For some reason, that feels a lot more threatening than “Move and I’ll kill you,” which is what everyone expects. Throwing something like “Don’t Get Up” is just weird and scary. Why can’t we get up? What do you know? And why am I listening to you?

Oh right, you’re Jack fucking Bauer and the entire world is your playpen. My bad.

Bauer takes the stolen white Jeep Cherokee (That guy was a wuss. No wonder he didn’t get up. He’s probably still there, crying over his stolen piece of crap car that does nothing but drive its passengers into trees) and rams it into the terrorist drone with Beard following closely behind.
The drone leaves the car and is faced with enraged Bauer who yells “What’s wrong with you people” and “Screw You!” After that, he runs away, allowing Beard to offer a ride to his minority brother, which is what all minorities do after they’ve been berated by a white guy. That and bomb his country.

Beard keeps his cell phone on, which allows Bauer and CTU to listen in on the conversation so that they can track his location. Bauer is picked up by Curtis who is visibly ticked off that Beard is now helping them and even more ticked off that Bauer seems to be fine with it.
This is the trigger we’ve all been waiting for, the one that turns the soft-spoken Curtis who likes to say “I’m going on record and saying I don’t agree with this” to the angst-filled Hulk that he is now. He’s not rational anymore. He’s filled with the fury of memories and fueled with power bars of rage.

Drone ends up at a storage facility and unlocks the container that is full of C4, a laptop and some other boxes labeled “Don’t Shoot.”
CTU advances on the Drone and shoots a bunch of C4 boxes. Drone, knowing his fate, throws a grenade and blows up everything. Part of the laptop survived and revealed that Bald has something called a “Suitcase Nuke,” which is compact and portable nuclear weapon.
The particular one that Bald has was the last one made by the Russians, which means if he sets it off, he and his crew get a free case of Vodka and an old Russian spy who is available on the weekends for freelance work.

Other things that should come in suitcase shapes
-sandwiches
-gum
-HD televisions
-cars

Meanwhile in Suburbia...

Kumar needs to get high. So high that he forgets about the massive cut in his thigh and that he befriended the wimpy kid across the street. Because of his injury, he can’t drop the package off to Bald and forces Suburban Dad to do it instead.
While he’s holding Wife and Gay hostage, Kumar, like all potheads eventually will, requests stronger drugs to dull the pain. Wife gives up her stash of painkillers in the kitchen (which is probably what she uses to get through suburbia) and Kumar sends Gay to get it.
Gay comes back with the pills, water and a knife stashed in his back pocket, though, like all nerds his age, he’s too bashful to do anything.

Suburban Dad gets the package (which turns out to be cash) to the place and is told he needs an extra 50 large for the device. There is no more money so, after a call to Kumar proves useless, Suburban Dad turns into Straw Dog (It’s when a quiet man goes on a rampage. See the movie of the same name and witness the infamous and long rape scene), beats the ever living shit out of the guy and steals the device.
Straw Dog also gets his wife sprung after calling Kumar. The two of them, unnaturally calm for their first stint in international terrorism, decide not to involve the police. Wife, as all women do, agrees at first and then does the opposite five seconds later. Bauer and Hulk are now en route thanks to her call.

O Valencia!

The terrorists should have just shoved the device in an Amazon.com box and had UPS ship it. It would have gotten their faster and with a smile.

Instead, Bald has to deal with Straw Dog, who is pleading for Bald to call Kumar so that his son can be let go. He does call Kumar, but tells him to kill the boy. Kumar is conflicted. Apparently the pain killer he took gave him feelings.

Had he taken the Bristol-Myers Squibb pill called “Kiltiva” he’d be able to blast that kid right in the heart. (BMS is also working on a pill called “Instafuc” which allows corporations to issue out massive layoffs with no regard for human decency or morals).

Just as Kumar gets the stones to fire the gun, CTU shows up banging down doors. Kumar is flushed out the front door where a waiting Bauer aims his gun and watches a trigger-happy CTU drone shoot Kumar to the ground. Luckily, Gay heard the address for the device, so all is not lost. Though Kumar is gone, which means the Taj and Van Wilder jokes I was saving won’t be relevant anymore.

The address in Valencia is a great lead, but the White House is dealing with more problems. Apparently Con Air was meant as a distraction to spring Numair, the only one who can make the Suitcase Bomb operational. He’s also a great Scrabble player, which is an added bonus for the terrorists.
Palmer 2.0 also has to deal with sister Sassy whose boyfriend was detained in a detention camp after she erased files from at the Islamic-American Alliance office where spits out her liberal lawyer speeches daily.

Sassy’s BF, Walid, is thrown into a detention center which is a lot like high school. People order you around and if you step out of line, you get hit in the side with a baton (I went to Catholic school. That shit happened).

Outside Walid overhears Arabic phrases and relays them to Sassy who is adamant that everyone inside is an innocent person held against their will. However, she promises to ask the FBI about the phrase.

After a meeting with advisors, Palmer 2.0 decides to hand over the entire “save the country” operation to Bauer and Beard, which only enrages the Hulk. Apparently a couple of years ago, some of Hulk’s men were captured and beheaded by Beard’s lieutenant. That’s when Hulk pushed all his emotions down and they haven’t resurfaced…till now.

With Beard’s cooperation, Palmer 2.0 offers a presidential pardon, making Beard’s move of switching teams official.

Hulk gets madder and escorts Beard to the van only to throw him up against it with a gun to the head. Bauer yells at Hulk to put the gun down. Hulk yells some more and then Bauer, who tires of words easily, shoots him in the neck.

Old Man Buchanan calls Bauer seconds later to say that it was cool that he killed Curtis and that no one liked him that much anyway. Bauer cries, pukes and hugs a tree, which is the expected reaction after killing one’s colleague or having too much gin during poker night.

Jack weeps and says he wants out. He wants to go home, shower and start getting the stale taste of leftover Chinese food out of his mouth by eating $50 worth in White Castle meals (hmmm sliders and fries. Why the HELL don’t I have a White Castle in my town?)

Back in Valencia, the CTU tactical team find the bomb shelter and is ready to take all the terrorists down. Unfortunately Numair has finished the bomb and since CTU can only hit boxes with bullets, Numair has enough time to press the colorful “on” button, detonating the suitcase bomb. Aside from Straw Dog yelling “NOOOOOOooooooooo!” nothing is heard except for the nuclear blast.

YES. A nuke has been detonated on prime time television…which means the zombie invasion and inevitable takeover is only a few hours away. I will be embracing my zombie brothers and sisters with open arms and a buffet table filled with American Idol rejects. You should do likewise friend because there are four more “visitors” out there.