Dead Like Bauer

24 Season 7, Episode 10
5 p.m. to 6 p.m.

Bauer is behind the tree, waiting to watch you cry.

Jack Bauer is dead inside. He doesn't cry and if you want him to save someone from fire, you better be ready to shoot him in the nuts or pinch his nipples because the only language he understands is pain.

So when Emo Walker (once she starts self-medicating with NyQuil and cutting, the transformation will be complete) is confronted with a hysterical wheelchair-bound woman screeching "You KILLED MY SISTER!" Bauer's only reaction is to relay the "good" news of the day.

"Do you feel that?! How about that? And thhaa..."

Bauer doesn't have feelings nor does he understand the music genre called "emo." He won't even throw change on the ground the next time he sees wheelchair-bound Rosa panhandling on the street with a cardboard sign that reads "The government killed my sister!"

Instead, Jack will just grab the sign, take his mini-Sharpie out, write "Live with it" and then set the sign on fire.

The second you let emotions in, they make you stupid and horny, which incidentally are the nicknames for Team Mole in the FBI where Sean, who is part of the vast conspiracy, attempted to aid Dubaku's efforts by recruiting the dumbest and most unstable employee to literally be his partner in crime.

"I'm sick of your promises! Everything will be ok, you're gonna leave your wife, I'll get to wear your special Dubaku decoder ring!"

There's only one reason to jump into bed with the crazy girl. It's shame. Interestingly enough, that's also what makes the sex so spectacular.

Somehow Erica's unstable mind has found a way to understand servers, which proves the FBI hiring practices are the same as they were at CTU (if you can walk aimlessly down halls, you can work for the government).

She is here to help Sean wipe out a memory device found IN Dubaku, which in turn was a plotline found IN season 2. Apparently during the writer's strike, the 24 scribes passed the time watching past seasons for ideas.

This device was Dubaku's insurance policy and contained a list of all the government officials he worked with. And it was inside of him, under his ribcage and next to the undigested McRib from 1993.

To get it, Bauer crashed the generic Washington DC festival (which was celebrating red banners) and drove like a senior citizen as he barreled through a park, aiming his vehicle at picnickers and rabid squirrels, things my Grandfather used to call "Park Terrorists" because squirrels stole his nuts and people who brought their food in a basket thought they were better than everyone else ("With their goddamn fancy cheese" he would say).

After ripping out Dubaku's insurance policy, along with the spare change and gum next to his liver, Bauer hands over the bloody device to a guy with a helicopter and orders him to bring it to the FBI. He also gives him a takeout order for Del Taco, the only place in the world a person can get Taco and Fries.

Bauer would rather yell at Dubaku when he wakes up at the hospital (it's hard to yell at technology, at least for information). Till then, Dubaku will be tortured with our health care system through a combination of Superman Band-Aids and medical instruments made out of discolored Legos. It's not that the doctors are dumb, it's just that all the devices come from Sangala.

However, if you're the First Gentlemen, who has a penchant for unfounded conspiracies and Suduku puzzles, you're given the best care in the country, which comes with a personal national guard and slightly more hope from the medical staff (they come in with candy instead of solemn expressions).

MPAT, who has been in the waiting room allowing the guilt to crush her slowly, blames herself for not believing her husband. Ethan, the Sancho to MPAT's Don Quixote, blames himself too.

"I should have known too. We're porn pals."

The president is called back to the White House to deal with the ongoing conspiracy, talk to her estranged daughter and to finally go to the bathroom. It's here where Old Man Buchanan informs her that Dubaku has been captured and that his list of government officials has been procured.

How? Internet magic from Chloe. I'd explain it, but I would need a bag of fireworks and a stuffed dinosaur to do it properly.

Basically, Erica the whore handles the technical stuff the same way she handles the bedroom stuff: quick to anger, bouts of confusion, talking too much and finally falling into a slump on the floor. Only this time she's dead.

Though the device is wiped out, Chloe used the aforementioned "Internet magic" to download Dubaku's storage device that set off shoplifting alarms whenever he walked into a retail store (except Wal-Mart, which has those things by the door for show. If they do see you steal, they unleash the geriatric greeters to hunt you down on their mopeds. And they can go on for days since they have nothing else better to do).

The crisis has been averted, all thanks to the great JB, who we're reminded is still set to be violently peed on by Senator Mayer for his counter-terrorism crimes. Red, the dad from That 70s Show, has been drinking bottles of truth about the now-defunct CTU and his bladder is ready to rage on Bauer's head with a maniacal laugh.

We've also been set up for round 2 of this season, which appears to involve Red's chief of staff and a secret source from Tony, who has spent the last couple of hours torturing a man for information by talking in short, indiscernible sentences about his life and chewing loud.

It also offers Bauer more instances to prove just how useful a person devoid of any emotion can be, a sort of patriotic zombie who feasts on the carcasses and shits CIP devices for breakfast.