The Power of interns and screaming 'Dubaku!'

24 Season 7 Episode 7
2.2.09
2 p.m. to 3 p.m.

The *CIP Device, here to tease your firewall and infiltrate your motherboard.

The CIP Device allegedly died tonight so in honor of it and its magical powers, I Googled "CIP device" and got the picture above.

Why did it die? It was probably the deadly combination of Jack Bauer and the fact that it was running Windows Vista. Any computer with that OS is bound to end up in pieces on the ground.

It's a shame. I was growing fond of the mythical device that could bring our infrastructure to its knees and the drinking game that accompanied it. Instead we have pieces of wasted potential, a console forged by the hands of a computer geek in the bowels of hell that will never turn into the killer robot I was expecting.

The reason the CIP device failed was because CTU Startup needed help and hired an intern with the right qualifications: hotness and cheap labor.

And, like most interns, Walker doesn't care much about the cause of CTU Startup, but she is curious about where it's going and interested in any free swag she can steal from the supply closet (in CTU's case, it's Post-It notes shaped like a gun and a collection of stolen mini-golf pencils).

She also has to work without a bulletproof vest. The upside? Walker will gain experience. Unlike her friends FBI-always follow the book, she's learning skills that will last her a lifetime such as lying to get your way and using C4 to create a diversion. These are crucial when entering a career in retail where one is forced to listen to the new Kelly Clarkson song repetitively.

However, as Intern Walker roams the halls of an unassuming office building with apparently lax security, the FBI has tracked Dubaku next target: a chemical plant in Ohio.

They did this by blindfolding special agents (they are "special" for a reason) and making them shout "Du-BAKU!" as their colleague points to random places on a U.S. map. They got the idea because "Dubaku" sounds like it should be shouted with the same reckless abandon as "Bingo!" or "Penis!"

Dubaku has chosen this particular chemical plant since it's manned by the dad from My So-Called Life and apparently still holds a grudge for Mr. Chase cheating on Angela's mom. We've all been there Dubaku, but the rest of America ate a pound of chocolate and got over it.

The chemical plant is set to explode with an atmospheric release (it's too easy to point out the fart joke so do one on your own...and make sure you shout "Dubaku!" after you fart in real life) that will cause severe lung damage and chemical burns.

These are the same afflictions one can experience after a sexual panda takes advantage of you. The lung damage is from the screaming, the chemical burns are from the dirty Panda love.

You knew it was coming baby.

But this is Ohio, a place where heroic men call random women "Honey," despite their pleas to "Shut the hell up." Men don't die from getting pummeled by a panda. They die from small amounts of misdirected gas. Goodbye Angela's dad. I'm sure Jordon Catalano will write a song about you...right after he learns how to read.

Perhaps if Snarky had a hands-free device for her FBI phone she would have been able to find the non-lethal way to shutdown the plant. Does everyone on this show have a Bluetooth except them?

Yet, if the FBI was in contact with CTU Startup (or knew it existed. It's hard for Small-to-Medium Sized Businesses to get noticed out there), they would have known about Bauer's C4-ceiling explosion plan to get Dubaku (did you shout it? I did). Blowing up a piece of a ceiling with explosives is also how Jack celebrates New Year's and Arbor Day. The trick is to find an unsuspecting ceiling.

Somehow, Dubaku escapes and finds the computer geek (father of the CIP device) and turns him into a manbomb, used as a distraction and as an example of how "Sangala rolls."

This is troubling for the White House since the only way it knows how to "roll" is to react to any sort of news with a look of surprise, which is followed by a muffled "sonovabitch." I had the same reaction when the show cut to "The First Gentlemen" plot and I was forced to watch Henry Taylor bumble around searching for meaning in his character.

Thankfully the rogue secret service agent finds him. Unfortunately, the rogue works for Dubaku and is told Taylor is needed alive.

After giving the order, Dubaku returns how to his furnished apartment where his cute diner-waitress girlfriend (future hostage) visits from time to time. He has an apartment and a girlfriend? What does Sangala have again? That's right, death and deflated soccer balls.

With Dubaku out, CTU Startup is forced to shop around for a larger corporation to buy them up because, according to Jack, they "can't search for one man in the a city of millions." This is true. The only thing CTU Startup is equipped to handle is finding a lost child at a Renaissance Faire...and that's only if Buchanan isn't drunk off the "sweet mead."

The move to "turn corporate" forces Tony out because of his list of "bad things." This has already been referenced multiple times, which means we better get a "You-won't-believe-what-Tony-used-to-do-for-terrorists!" episode in the future. I fully expect Almeida to admit to killing people with cars or funding the career of Jessica Simpson. Both are equally horrific.

*I have no idea what this picture is