To Russia with Love

24 Season 9
Final 3 episodes
I am awful at blogging now

There was a time when after an episode of 24 aired, I immediately hit the keyboard and banged out a nonsensical essay into my thoughts, fears and annoyances around this show. Then kids and DVR happened and here we are, almost 2 weeks after the airing of the finale and I'm only now getting to it.

Or maybe I was waiting out Putin to ensure my Russia jokes would be well timed.

So here are the highlights and gripes:

• Navarro is apparently the worst CIA head in the history of bad CIA heads. He fell for the old I'm-mad-at-you-for-framing-my-husband-and-naw-yous-gonna-die routine. That's lesson 5 on day 2 man. Everyone knows that. 
• Cross/Chloe's kinda boyfriend but not really. His final act was telling her that her family died of natural car accident causes and not by some crazy conspiracy. Comforting dude. Real. Comforting. And thanks for creating the device that can hack into anything and being naive enough to think it could be used for good.
• Cheng. Of course you're back and angry. And you still remind me of my dad. And yea let's start a war and blow up ships and get China all pissed off at the States.
• Jack's companion. Easily my favorite character of the entire season. He should pop up on other shows as a lifeline in any kind of situation. In fact, I hope he shows up on Homeland. 

So now begins the chase to find Cheng to prove he exists so that China and the US don't go to war. But before Jack can do that, he gets to yell at Mark for leading the Russians to him. And his man feelings come out in rage-spits and pistol to the head waving.

Mark is ready to serve his country as a weasel, and does so with flying colors. Except the head of the Russian embassy ends up getting glass to the neck and doesn't make it. So really, Mark is just the worst person ever.

But the crown for bad decisions really goes to Audrey, who decides to "help" by meeting an old friend at assassination park. It's not actually called that, but any park across from a building with a clear line of sight is, in fact, Assassination Park. And the plan? For the friend to TELL HER DAD. And why are we meeting at a park again?

Spoiler alert. Audrey dies. Even though Kate shows up in time and takes out the actual sniper that Cheng had, another dude shows up randomly in a car and shoots Audrey in the gut. Audrey is dead. And so are Bauer's man feelings.

In fact, he gets the news in mid infiltration since he discovered Cheng's location through the tried-and-true tactic of ripping apart someone's office. Audrey is dead and Bauer considers ending his life too. Only he doesn't because another boat rampage can actually cleanse one's soul. (did I mention Chloe was kidnapped and jumped out of Cheng's truck and got in touch with Bauer and that she called him her best friend? Whatever. The kids are screaming right now).

Cheng is found and Jack provides the Chinese government with the proof they need. They still want to verify everything, but that doesn't stop jack from taking a samurai sword to Cheng's neck. A SWORD TO THE NECK.

That can't be legal right? Or sanitary? And that's almost too good of a death. Even the terrorist mom felt real fear as she plummeted out of the window.

So all is kind of right with the world, except that Mark is going to jail, Audrey is dead and everyone who ever knows Jack gets kidnapped.

In the final minutes of the episode we JUMP 12 hours to the following morning. This was enough to trick my mom who is still inquiring why there aren't more 24 episodes coming up. It's a cheap trick and essentially tells us that Bauer did all of the following in the past 12 hours:

-played juggling grenades with his companion
-updated his Bronies blog
-took a massive shit and then too its head off with the sword
-watched True Detective
-updated his Facebook page with a picture of his sword
-ate shitty UK food and took another shit
-read Wikipedia entry on Russia

The Russians took Chloe and are willing to exchange her for the great Jack Bauer. He's being whisked away, via helicopter, to the country that prides itself on hosting Winter Olympics at a summer vacation spot, housing terrorists and allegedly supplying weapons to criminals across the border to shoot down planes because WHY AGAIN?

At this point, all we know is that Jack has one true friend and that he is going to Russia with a smile on his face. Will there be a season 10? I dunno. But if there is, I'm sure I'll be super late with those blogs too, so I may as well apologize now.

While He Was Bauering...

24 Episode 8 & 9
6.16.14/6.23.14
6 p.m. - 8 p.m.

I'm glad I missed writing about last week. I would have spend 200 words talking about Alzhiemer's and how the show was telling us the only cure was to be nailed in the head with a drone. I would have gone on about how all old men just want to die alone in a stadium as they stand confused in the middle.

Thankfully, I didn't make an ass out of myself since the very next episode just discredited everything we just saw and exposed this season of 24 as a ridiculous romantic dramady.

How do you win back your ex who's now married to Tate Donovan? You create a crazy plan where it looks like you and Tate Donovan conspire to kill your ex's dad. Only in the end you didn't really and now Tate Donovan has that stupid confused Tate Donovan face on because you just shit all over his life.

Let's forget the fact that, somehow, the president was able to run away from the blast thanks to the stadium's video feed being hacked by Chloe from a pub with apparently the strongest Wi-Fi in the world. Actually the Wi-Fi is the most silly part of the whole thing. I've been in bars with Wi-Fi. It's like having a dial-up modem.

Oh and Jordan Reed is dead. The tech guy. Who had a gun but didn't shoot in time. Totally dead.

So yea, there was a doctored video feed. And somehow in the final 4 minutes before the drone missile hit, Jack called the president back in time. And they avoid the blast. And now Audrey's lady feelings are strong and hard for the Bauer.

You know who misses Lady Feelings? Margot. Everyone just leaves her and her only plan to make people stay is to threaten them with violence. Even her husband decided going toe-to-toe with a drone would be better than dealing with her incoherent threats whenever he chose not to wash the dishes.

BTW, let's consider Bauer taking the electrical cables and Batmanning through the window. And then hucking people out the window with no consideration for due process. Apparently that presidential pardon has gotten to his head. He can even tell the CIA he has someone in custody and then isn't asked to explain why said person who was in custody is now a pancake in the parking lot.

Jordan Reed. Still dead.

Finally, the true evil has revealed itself in the Override Device and it has been determined that it can get people into any security system, including the diaries of teenage girls. And now Chloe's old boss, the dude from the Crow, wants it. For what he won't say. Because he's the middle man and he compensates other people well.

He's made Navarro, head of the CIA office in London, find a way to run off with the OD thanks to a poorly timed phone call from Audrey. Somehow, she always knows the worst possible time to do anything.

"You said if I needed to disappear, you would make that happen."

Navarro. You are head of the CIA. The first lesson in the CIA is that you don't talk about the CIA. The entire agency is built on the idea of secrets and spying. You're fucking telling me you need someone else to get you out of the country? You don't have a go-bag? You don't have a storage locker with a secret identity? Fail. Big massive fail. I hope you trip as you're trying to literally run away. You probably graduate in the same class as the CIA security guard who goes down with one punch.

And Jordan Reed is still dead and no one knows how to access his computer. Send help. And cookies.

Grand Theft Bauer

24 Season 9 Episode 7
5 p.m. - 6 p.m.
6.9.14

"Her mother is sending a drone to kill her."

Few shows have the courage and the stomach for the ridiculous. Sure, other shows have vampires or incorporate lady prison feelings or mathematical dick jokes, but none have a man running around the streets of London dodging drones.

Forget the fact that all of this is based on desperate motherly rage, akin to a new mom trying to bargain with a toddler's desire to watch "Let it Go" for the 35th time that day. You want pain? Watch this a million times. Then imagine every woman in your life singing it off key. All the time. With unbridled joy.

But I digress.

When my mom wanted me to keep my mouth shut, she would simply lock me in my room or, in some extreme cases, employ the stern look that communicated the phrase "Try me" in my mind. Although if moms today want to torture their precious kids with drones, you can do that with a manned paper airplane.  C'mon scientists. We get that and no flying cars?

Maybe if flying cars existed, London would be able to pick itself up from this horrible day. Drones are now responsible for killing British soldiers, a hospital, a woman's arm in the crowd and a terrorist's husband. And the only man that can replace Margot's dead husband is a president who can't remember how Breaking Bad ended.

At least it's the late afternoon, which means bedtime is just around the corner once 7 p.m. hits. If anything, Margot is an evil genius by forcing a senior citizen to stay up past their late afternoon bedtime. Not that Heller even knows what time it is.

"I hate these people. They can justify anything."

I'm confused. Is this a Bauer monologue or is he talking to a mirror. Either way, whatever part of the brain that detects irony is now gone. After acting like a used car salesmen to Simon (lots of yelling, twisting her broken finger, walking away from a slumped body on the ground in an effort to get the sale), he saves her from the Mother Drone even though her pulse is fading and she no doubt has internal bleeding.

She's in good company at least since Benjamin Bratt lived out the dream of every American boss by sending his tech guy out in the field to get shot in the arm. That's what happens with the Wi-Fi doesn't work and the printer is broken. Just be glad you didn't bed a brown deserter or else you lose a finger.

I don't even want to get into the fact that Chloe's boss was revealed to be the mysterious voice on the other end of the phone, essentially pulling the strings. Yawn. Unless the dead traitor husband shows up alive, this plotline sucks. Oh and the Russians want Bauer too. Double yawn. Stop living in the past man. That was 4 years and a season ago.

But hijacking cars to trick drones? Yes. That's a plotline we can all get behind because deep down inside we all want to out maneuver the robotic drone sent to kill us all.

On the Edge of Torture Porn

To be fair, when I look at Yvonne Strahovski I think of the word "drilling" too. Just not in a torturey kind of way.

Jack Bauer has moved on. He's done sharing mouth air with married women (it's the new way to have a covert affair) and is demanding the feisty blonde girl he met earlier to join him on adventures.

Even President Heller is on board. If Bauer lives through the day, he'll be in prison, so he may as well go out with a metaphorical bang that includes unmarked cars, untraceable cell phones and syringes filled with drugs. I'm willing to bet this plotline came from some real-life Kiefer stories.

The plan? Re-establish cover with a known terrorist and hope the dude is absolutely fanatical about online banking, but lacks the most recent Norton update on his computer. It's sound as a pound and nothing could go wrong.

Oh wait, Heller has ALZHEIMER'S? Finally the condition has a name. For a while I thought we were dancing around the fact that he was constipated or, worse, menstruating.

As the president is being painted as a loon, the British PM is busy starting at heat signatures and basing one lifeless body as evidence that Jack is turning against the US, thus summoning MI5.

Let me get this straight. We can find a dude who's technically off the grid in a car tunnel  through heat signatures, but we can't blast drones out of the sky? The best idea is to deploy airplanes with massive metal fly swatters in the hopes of finding the unmanned aircraft that is no doubt hiding in the clouds?

Cloud cover is important when a drone is heading direct to London to completely wipe out the rest of Brown Leader's family. The plot is becoming clear. The mom wasn't down with an interracial marriage. So every Brown must die. At least, every London Brown.

And let's send the emotional fragile daughter to do the mercy killing. Makes sense. She's lost a finger and her husband in the same day. If she loses her cell phone by dropping it in the toilet, she wins a free weekend at a napping hospital for the mentally broken.

That's nothing compared to the mental scars Jack's new girl partner will endure after her torture wake-up call. It was essentially 3 tortures in the span of as many minutes. Torture sure has changed. It used to be all about timing and questioning and there was a flow. You start with the fingernails, you start asking questions and THEN you go to the bucket of pee before the electrocution. Amateurs.

At least we still have computer viruses and moles, two 24 staples that is always a consistent "c'mon" moment that we all wait for. But I have to ask. If we have a goddamn drone that can send a rocket up a man's ass, why don't we have computers that can press Enter for you? Get on it Apple. Abolish the Enter key and just make it happen.

Death From Above

Without fail, whenever some says a drone has gone rogue or someone exclaims that they've lost control of a drone, my mind immediately conjures up the image of a plastic toy flying haphazardly in the wind and inevitably clonks some poor sap on the head.

In the world of 24, the drones may as well be that, since apparently it's impossible to shoot them down once we've lost control. Really? REALLY? You lost control of 6 drones, but there isn't one drone that's living off the grid that you can put back in the field? A drone that was decommissioned because of its surly attitude and penchant for watch tower flybys?

Where have all the maverick drones gone? Even Terminator sent back the old tech to attempt to kill the rogue robot. It's the first step you take when robots go bad. You go back to the old tech and hope for the best, the same way you pick up your Blackberry with your iPhone dies.

So now President's Heller's toy drones are all over Europe's yard and are headed to attack drone supporters in London. They may be robots, but they appreciate irony just the same. Empathy, as Blade Runner has taught us, is impossible.

This development has left the British Prime Minister less than pleased.

But fear not. We will be saved by code. The beautiful bits of phrases and commands that control all things internet and wired. The code will be proof that these robots are evil and should be trialed as an adult.

Wait. It's too late.

Brown Leader has taken control of 6 drones and will be releasing its payload into the deathstar London unless Heller gives himself up. Because he killed children with drones years ago. By accident. Also this worked as a plot point on Homeland.

He's really going to save us all. He has it planned out with his 9-fingered wife how they are going to survive since he used code for good to relay his location to the authorities and he's so smart because no one will find out and only he can pilot the...

Oh damn. The mom found out. And her son can apparently learn how to pilot stuff by just watching and playing Chuck Yeager's Advanced Flight Trainer video game. AND his wife is cold blooded. Brown Leader has made some bad life choices and will now die as all cowards do, on their knees as they get shot by their mother-in-law.

Somehow, that wasn't as awkward as Audrey's reunion with Jack where he tells her he killed a bunch of Russians and she allows her lady feelings to emerge. Why is this so awkward? Because in the span of their relationship they have both allegedly died and gone to China and lost their minds. Don't remember? Watch this lame video.

Speaking of feelings, I'm sick of Mark Boudreau expressing himself at all hours of the day. He also has the constant look of con-spair, which is a mixture of confusion and despair. It's the same feeling you get when you drink what you thought was a bloody mary only to realize it's just tomato juice in ice.

Con-spair is also the feeling Heller had when he realized the raid had the wrong coordinates and that Benjamin Bratt may have died. Even more con-spairing is that in 5 minutes he's going to forget who Benjamin Bratt was and will be forced to fake it.

So now the only option is to deploy Bauer once more into the field because these drones are out of fucking control and no one ever thought of developing a giant electronic drone swatter as a precaution. All Bauer needs is to find that forgotten drone who is most likely holed up in a dive bar on the edge of town sucking on a 56k modem and watching Flight of the Navigator. If anything, the government should create its own flying silver brain to combat drones. Either that or just sign up the drones for an online porn site and they'll be down every couple of hours or so.

Mommy Dearest Loves the Little Finger

Hey Girl. I ate your pinky.

Tonight it was all about communication. Some of it was done in a room designed for ample yelling with an accusatory tone. Some of it was done with a knife. The last time I screamed like that was every time I watched True Detective.

Per usual, no one really believes Jack except the alleged criminals and his groupies. He's somehow found a way to roam around the US Embassy thanks to a stolen jacket and is on the hunt for a keycard. Already, the jacket is emerging as the Jack Bauer invisibly cloak since it can mask a sidearm and the musk of a man found in a ditch in episode one. At some point, I'm expecting Jack to put the jacket over his head and just stand still as US Marines run by him with itchy trigger fingers. 

(Jack-et. He's in the word...I have kids and I'm tired)

"Jack Bauer has hostages. But don't worry, I'm taking notes for my I'm disappointed in you speech with Benjamin Bratt, so it's all good." - Chief of Staff Mark

The Hellers are back to talking about Bauer behind closed doors and wondering if he's actually right. Makes sense. He was right the 60 other times he got in touch, but this one could be the time he's WRONG. 

Also, the president is suffering from a condition that rhymes with "pals-mymer" so it's possible he forgot who Bauer was in the minute after he hung up the phone and just referred to his memory phrase cards and picked the "Tell the marines to go in when they are ready."  To be fair, that is the right phrase to use 70% of the time when you're president. 

Side observation: If you start pretending everyone is talking about the Amazon Drones, this immediately turns in to a comedy. Just sayin.

So again, Heller makes a shitty decision. The same time he decided to have that sushi taco in Mexico and now it's rotting his brain. Or the time he thought having a chief of staff with natural curly locks was a good idea. Nope on both accounts. 

Fortunately for Bauer, Lady Dexter believes him and is willing to climb through a ventilation shaft Shawshank Style because deep down inside, she knows her husband was innocent. They keep playing this up and it's annoying. I get it. She was blinded by love. Or maybe she was never wrong and her husband was set up. By Bratt.

The finger. Dude. DUDE. How in the hell is she going to do the "shocker" now? Don't know what that is? Don't look it up. At least at work. What? You did anyway? Sicko.

I get it. You don't really need the pinky finger. All you really need is a computer with decent RAM because at the end of the day, we all hate staring at the screen as a progress bar slowly updates you. 

Riding in Cars with Boys

I thought it was slow. I thought there was going to be a weird mother-daughter love triangle in the middle of the episode. I thought "Kate Morgan" would have been a decent alias for Hannah McKay.

I did NOT think a full-fledged protester riot would be Bauer's only way in. And BTW, with all the quick flashes to the protester signs, I would have expected to see an "Attack of the Drones" one. Shame on you 24 prop guys.

But to get to the riot, we had to endure endless conversations in cars about dead family members (MORRIS IS DEAD) , criminal histories and Catelyn Stark's new identity. You know you've been watching Thrones too much when you're expecting an incest subplot to pop up and being genuinely surprised when it doesn't.

The only thing that did pop up was Terrorist Boyfriend's inner piece and, thanks to the trusty 24 clock, we also know his piece was only half loaded. It was most likely tired from a day of worrying if he had picked the right girl to marry, despite her penchant for banging other guys all in the name of a "cause."

It seems this plot to take down President "I don't know where I am" Heller is based on a US drone killing a terrorist, which in turn sparked more terrorism through the dead man's wife. Yes. This sounds like a rejected plot from Homeland.

For some reason, I feel like at some point Tate Donovan's character is going to re-enact Weekend at Bernie's with the president. Maybe part of me just wants to see that movie again, while the other part of me just wants all of me to suffer through a horrible plot point. Like getting up in front of Parliament and acting surprised when people start yelling at you. Then again, you let your daughter bang your chief of staff, so smart life decisions probably went out with the memories.

Which brings us to Fairbanks, the fake name Bauer used to gain access to the American Embassy. Only it doesn't work. Apparently Fairbanks has been flagged as a troublemaker and will be denied access. That is until Bauer uses his gun-hiding dreamcoat and shoots enough legs in the crowd to warrant a riot.

For those keeping score, it's 2 shot legs for a riot. Had he shot 3, he would have incited looting. And though he's in riot-mode, Bauer still has the common sense to turn around when a hot blonde shouts "BAUER!". We may be 1 minute closer on the Doomsday clock, but in the end, even Bauer knows the importance of getting laid...and lasting more than a commercial break.

Game of Drones

You know why I picked this picture

24 Season 9 Episode 1 & 2
11:04 am - 1pm
5.5.14

In the world of Bauer, you either win or you end up in West London pretending to take a powernap on cardboard before the CIA man-rushes you with loud bangs and lights. Thus began 24, the show that left us four years ago with talk of a movie and a massive franchise in the works. 

Instead of that, we got Kiefter Sutherland in the ill-fated Touch and Homeland, which I took as an open apology for Season 3 of 24 (the one where the writers spent half the season screwing with us).

So I thought I was done. I was fine with The Bauer getting spammed comments throughout the years and even considered re-watching the entire series for the laughs. 

But then I saw the Superbowl Ad. And then in tonight's episode, everyone kept using the term "Special Activities" and I couldn't stay away. Apparently, neither could Jack.

For the past four years, he's been keeping a low profile, hanging out with tatted up dirty European electricians who will do anything you want at the touch of your embedded Life Alert device in your hand.

Things have changed. Bauer wears a hoodie now and is forced to coerce people to help him instead of asking because (welp) he has no friends. Life Alert is helpful, but it doesn't pour you a drink or provide a customary reach-around when you need it.

Chloe has changed too (same confused scowl-face though, despite the goth look) and is now a Freedom Hacktivist, which means she sets information free.  It's like that time your friend took your iPhone and made all your private Spotify playlists public, which exposed your love for Taylor Swift and the soundtrack to the film "Frozen." Sure, it's embarrassing, but in the end the public had to know. 

After four years, it seems the CIA has cornered Bauer and is hauling him in for questioning by the mysterious Special Activities division. With that vague of a name, I have to imagine they can engage in torture and endless games of Uno in the same day. 

At this point, we know what's going to happen. Jack puts on his constipated face and his vitals remain steady. Then the blonde from Dexter shows up and he experiences an erection emotion. Yes he wanted to get caught and before anyone knows what's going on, Life Alert shows up and starts firing shit through the road and dropping down $500 rescue ladders.

It's all for the good of the country who chose to mark Jack as a terrorist and elect a president with a "condition" that makes him forget facts and numbers. This "condition" could be Alzheimer's or Oldness. Either way, The President Heller plot is boring, aside from the "I remember how annoying Audrey was in Season 4" factor. #massive24nerd

The true danger is revealed later to be the cold, emotionless drones, flying above our heads ready to drop bombs or Amazon.com packages (only if you're an Optimus Prime member). Someone has found a way to hack 10 of them and that someone has a penchant for slutty girls with Russian accents. 

Nerds. I get it. Slutty girls with Russian accents are a fantastic fantasy. But seriously, get paid first and definitely don't leave the thing that's worth billions on the bathroom sink while you take a pee. Or knife to the brain you will get. (Seriously writers? A knife to the BRAIN?)

So who wants to control the drones? It's Catelyn Stark from Game of Thrones, who has a history of mothering cripples and imprisoning innocent men. Now her sights are set on moving the doomsday clock closer to, well, doom. She's starting by attacking confused old men yelling at the clouds above them. Heads and bombs will surely roll.

Nothing Kills More Than Words

Everybody wants dirty, sexy peace

24 Season 8, episodes 23 and 24
2 p.m. to 5 p.m.
5.24.10


In the end, all mama wanted was a little peace, which was calling her like Columbian Bam Bam to a junkie who had just downed an energy drink.

But in order to get it, people had to die, dudes had to lose ears and Bauer had to be treated like Terrorist Jack so that Mama MPAT could snuggle up against sweet delicate peace at night and stroke its nubile body as countries disarmed their nuclear missiles.

And you thought the final Bauer post wouldn't get weird. That's shameful surprise you're feeling.

Thankfully for all of us, Mama MPAT chose her bedfellow long ago in Logan and, like his lovemaking, their entire professional relationship has been fraught with looks of dismay, disappointment and indigestion (no one should talk to Logan after eating a tuna sandwich).

On the other side we had Mother Hassan and Meredith Reed, two women who were on the slanted lines of a political love triangle in the beginning of the season, only to reconnect indirectly in the name of peace. This also led me to imagine them making out with each other as a way to show the world just how sexy peace could be (24 just isn't the same without a hot lesbian storyline).

Add a shot of Russian rage to the entire mix, and you have all the ingredients needed to set off a Bauer Bloodlust that knows no bounds.

"Dude! Wait...I have a daughter! Look at my tears! They are real!!"

Apparently where bullets and punches to the gut failed, compassionate words spewed out by scared hostages were the only weapons strong enough to pierce the angry bear heart of Bauer. It's probably because weepy pleas of emotion are things Terrorist Jack doesn't understand. His world consists of a duffel bag of war and a penchant for catching people by surprise in the backseat of their car.

(If Jack Bauer ever pops up in the backseat of my car with a gun, I can guarantee I will piss, poop and vomit all over myself simultaneously).

Terrorist Jack has done what so many salesguys have done in offices across America: he's crossed the line, though instead of doing it to bag as many of the ladder-climbing whores from corporate as possible, he's done so in the name of justice, which is the political way of saying "murdering spree."

But there's a reason for all the butchering (aside from the writers piling on as much violence as possible in the final season). There is evidence of Russian shame, and Jack has packaged it with a bonus video blog of his thoughts on how peace can be won, which is only through trust and with both sides coming willingly to the table.

Oh that's how peace is won? It's not through threats of nuclear war and presidential assassinations?

No friends, Grandpa Bauer is talking about the hippies' dream of peace where everyone had to be high and clueless. This is when peace is pure, and untouched by Russian hands. It's the kind of peace that has a kind of sexy innocence to it, much like Chloe walking the halls with a pistol in her hands and a complete lack of confidence.

Terrorist Jack: "Dammit Chloe who else knows I'm here!!"
Scowl Face: "Nobody. I mean Cole. And Arlo. And the vending machine that gave up your reflection."

And then follows the second instance where compassionate words spewed by a scared hostage saved their life. According to Chloe, there is another way all of this can end, and it involves broadcasting the evidence over the internet for all to hear, which is a subtle jab to the journalism industry (so now they are completely useless even in the make-believe land of television. Awesome).

Unfortunately, Logan's guard-dog Pillar is really good at waking up from being knocked unconscious and orders Chloe and Cole's arrest, and confiscates the evidence. Though not before Bauer confiscates a bit of Pillar's ear. And why not? Every crazy show deserves to have its main character play the let-me-whisper-you-closer-so-I-can-bite-off-your-fucking-ear game.

Somehow, amidst all the madness and cannibalism, Mama MPAT political heart grew three sizes that day, thanks to Bauer vlog pleading for peace, forcing her to admit her role in a conspiracy, which equally forced her to make strange animalistic yelps in the elevator (at least it wasn't on camera for the news because then she would have been depicted as crooked and creepy...which is a combo that no politician can bounce back from).

Again, words were shown to be stronger than anything else in the room (it was filled with a combination of murder and sexual tension. I'll let you decided which belonged to who) and it proved biting enough to kill the peace treaty baby and to convince Logan to off his wonderkid Pillar before blasting his head with a bullet (although he failed at suicide too...which makes me think he'll be a deformed menace in the possible 24 movie).

Which brings us to the end: The final scenes of 24 where, thanks to mysterious CTU drones (that were apparently equipped with missiles? WTF?), everyone got to see on the big CTU screen. It was probably thanks to Cisco (I'd like Telepresence please).

Random Government dude: "I know who you are. I'll make this quick and painless."
Bauer: "I'll counter that offer with a sweep of the leg. BOOM!"

And then...nothing.

A last minute phone call comes from FOX, alerting everyone that the finale is actually getting good ratings, and that the impending movie script looks like it packs the right amount of torture and sex scenes to allow Jack Bauer to live on, warrior stem cells and all.

So the series ended as so many past seasons have, with Bauer bleeding on the street and being deported from the country he sacrificed so much to protect. Interestingly enough, had he been an illegal alien who was pulled over for speeding in Arizona, he'd be getting deported too.

Possible places for Jack's new home:

-South America: It's like America...only SOUTH

-Russia: Because Bauer is just that much of a bastard

-Australia: It's the only place in the world that welcomes lawlessness with open arms

-New Jersey: The Jersey Shore has proven that it's really different world over there

Terrorist Jack is dead and in his place is a broken, yet vindicated Bauer. The man who is the only one in the 24 world who has ever read the entire Constitution.

Whenever I look at Old Glory waving in the wind under a clear blue sky, I'll close my eyes and think of the American badass that was Jack Bauer, the man who fought for justice, the right to use messenger bags in public and had the ability to go 24 hours without taking a massive, contemplative shit.

I'll miss the random lamp torturings, the often misplaced rage that reminded me of my father and the haphazard logic that was right 90 percent of the time.

But most of all, I'll miss watching him for free, since the next time we see Jack yelling "Who are you working for!", it will most likely be in a dark theater we all paid $12 to get into. So bravo Jack, you win again.

Peace friends...but only if you come to the table with a bottle of whiskey. That's the only way The Bauer can trust you.

The Right to Bear Arms for the Freedom of the Press

24 Season 8 Episode 22
1 p.m to 2 p.m.
5.17.10

Somehow, in a world of predator drones, ever-lasting Sprint cell phones and Iron Man masks, it seems that the pen of a reporter is still mightier than the sword...but only if you're a hot journalist because they are the only ones who are allowed to sleep with their high-ranking political sources.

In this fantasyland, apparently a story in the newspaper can start a war and newsrooms still have art on the wall and working phones. This is an important aspect since the FBI has written off landlines by now, stupidly assuming everyone only uses cell phones (finally, not adopting technology has an advantage!).

But what of this evidence, this SIM card ripped from the guts of a bleeding Russian? Is it really that big of a deal? You betcha!

It's enough for Logan to put on a fancy new fake-blood-red tie (foreshadowing...these 24 writers are really putting their English degrees to use) and for the president to care about forgotten laws such as the 1st Amendment.

"Freedom of the Press? That's still in the Constitution? Did no one get my memo?"

It's amazing that a president who was so loved could fall so far from grace, all because she drank the peace process koolaid and envisioned her face on a new 15 cent coin, which is the exact worth of the Constitution after shifty politicians have their way with it behind locked doors.

Thankfully, the founding fathers knew in advance that the 1st Amendment would lack balls and crafted the 2nd Amendment, the right to kick ass with grenades, rifles and use a scary-as-fuck black mask to threaten the lives of shamed ex-presidents.

Bauer is exercising his right to bear arms with a side of indifference towards collateral damage. He's well-armed thanks to Mr. Blonde's Radio Terror Shack and is prepared to shoot-up taxis and, if he has to, countdown from 5 to get the answers he needs.

Lucky for him, his target is ex-President Logan, whose power comes from his willingness to give up any and all associates when his life his threatened. Within minutes, Bad Jack brings his bag of tricks (apparently, it also included a fireplace poker to stab someone through the stomach) so that he could leave his trail of dead for all to see.

"I don't plan on coming back." (he's talking to you, television audience).

Perhaps this Bad Jack is needed, especially since Meredith never learned how to evade the FBI in J-school (looks will only take you so far) and the president falls deeper into her pit of peace process despair as she will do anything to sign the document in the next couple of hours.

Maybe she should have spent more time on healthcare, as opposed to peace.

Instead, Jack is roaming the streets of NYC like a wounded rabid animal who only sees red...Russians that is. And the next one on the list is none other than the Russian president who apparently ordered everyone to do everything bad in the entire season.

President Red Dawn, the Bauer Trolls for Thy...

Bad Russian Porn and the Members of the Justice League who love it

Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?

24 Season 8 Episode 21
12 p.m. to 1 p.m.
5.10.10

Like the swine flu, Bad Bauer has taken a turn for the worse, which has him vomiting up evil in the form of medieval torture techniques, using a hot member of the press as bait (there aren't a lot of those anymore) and watching bad Russian porn in the back of an NYC taxicab.

"I told you feelings have no place in international terrorism."
"I love him. And you can not stop me from marrying. Him. Now."

It's all in the name of justice (either for the death of Hot Agent Walker or for constitutional rights, depending where your alliances lie). Bauer's version of the Justice league includes Jr., Mr. Blonde, CT2 (consisting of scowl-face and Arlo the Horny) and Meredith, the last of the hot journalists in the business.

BTW, I've seen newsrooms as of late and they look NOTHING like the busy one depicted on 24. Imagine the world from the film "The Road" and add flourescent lighting, and you'll get a closer picture to the truth.

Oh, wait. Jack knew I was going to mock the state of the newspaper industry and reference "The Road," and is now threatening violence. Why? Cause in the twilight hours of 24, Bauer has entered in the cheat code and now has the ability to sniff out any possible trap that is laid out for him.

Pillar: "Let's intercept this call and the place our men at the location with an angry bear and a 10-pound bucket of mustard...what? Whaddyamean Bauer escaped that fool-proof plan!??"

It seems Bauer (aka the writers) can't afford any downtime that shows the human side of Jack, which opens up the possibilty that he is a robot and programmed to make rash decisions based on nothing.

"Where's your sim card for the phone? It's not in the immediate area around my feet....you must have swallowed it! Time to 86 your intestine!"

Yes. Torture always works, particularly when it's preceeded by an extra TV warning for viewers (that way you know it's going to be extra graphic and awesome). The best part? Jack's defeated realization that the thing he loves the most doesn't work. Apparently the writers have read all those NYTimes, Newsweek and Christian Science Monitor articles about the "impact" of 24.

Actually his mistake was leaving Mr. Blonde in the other room. All you need is him and a slick 70s track, and a good torture session is a mere hacked-off ear away.

So instead, Jack looks for clues through torture and finds what he's looking for lodged between the Russian's pancras and lunch from the day before: Logan.

The ex-prez isn't worried because Russians never talk and the current president has started to forget conversations she had a day ago, as well as that pesky document called the Bill of Rights. Her Machiavellian march towards peace is distracting and useless.

The good news? CT2 (a counter-terrorism army of 2) has setup camp in a conference room thanks to Sprint's mobile network. When you can't trust anyone at work and you're trying to get in contact with known criminals, Sprint will lead the way and give you the invisible online pressance you desire as well as providing its users with an outlet to stare at porn all day, which is a different kind of torture all together.

Just be sure the porn you're watching isn't of Bauer getting down with his lady and you're watching through a scope. If that's the case, you may well lose a bellybutton in the near future, and possibly that sim card you had as a mid-afternoon snack.

The only thing keeping anyone alive is Jack Bauer

I have a safe deposit box filled with secrets and blinding light

24 Season 8 Episode 20
11 a.m. to 12 p.m.
5.3.10

Bauer has taken to the streets as the Robin Hood of justice, stealing evidence from the scofflaws of society and getting those who can be easily manipulated to help him. The cost? Everyone is against him.

CTU Director Chloe: "I declare him....an OutLAAAAAAWW!"

Bauer's version of Little John is Little Freddie Prinze Jr (now we know why he was cast. The "Jr" is a subtle tip of the feathered-cap), who is as lethal as a rubber-band gun and just as dumb.

"Aw, you took my bullets! Dude, give me my bullets!"

That's right. The Bauer can take your clip and your manhood without you realizing it. Sometimes at the same time.

However, the argument can be made that Jr lost his manhood to Dana "I love Mother Russia" Walsh years ago. I'm not sure how well Cole would have held up being tortured with a towel, ladle of water and a moustached D.B. Sweeney. The moustache alone would have struck fear in Cole's tiny, dumb brain.

And what kind of torture was that? Sweeney was making the same motion obese people do when they are pouring tomato sauce on everything they are about to eat.

"I don't want to shoot you, but I will if I have to do."

Lies. Bauer wanted to shoot the Sweeney right between the moustache hairs, especially after he found out how risky the shot was. Bauer does what he wants, be it shooting a man in the moustache or hanging out in a bank with a brown jacket and looking suspicious. Here's a tip kids: if you're anxious in a bank, you will be arrested. In Arizona, you'll be arrested and deported, particularly if you're brown.

And for reals? Jack successfully impersonated the bespectacled black terrorist dude on the roof? Terrorist cells need to incorporate better bonding activities or, at the very least, learn to withstand the threat of getting their balls blasted off when asked for sensitive intel.

Starbuck's safe deposit white-lightning-in-a box was impressive, mostly because it worked so well. It should be assumed that anything connected to Russia always runs the risk of having behavioral problems, be it a gun, flash grenade or a 7-year-old child who just wanted to live in Tennessee.

The last words Starbuck will remember from Jr: "There is no us Dana....only Zuul."

And who will enter CTU to reign in the allusive Bauer? Logan's right hand man, who apparently doesn't know the definition of "supposedly," in the context of counter terrorism (def: when a hysterical woman says something into a phone, those facts are treated in the same vein as drunken observations from homeless men).

Right-hand man has also brought a slutty blonde, who I'm sure is doing someone at CTU...oh there are only 4 more episodes left? I'm sure a lesbian subplot can fit in somewhere before the bitter end.

Jack is now armed and dangerous, and considered at "Level 8," an arbitrary classification that could mean anything from "spits at you and yells profanity" to "refuses to wait two seasons before killing the woman who is responsible for the death of the woman he liked to bang."

As for the evidence, a part of is almost hoping it's an SD card filled with pictures of Jr in various poses and locations, with him displaying the same dumbfounded look.

The sexy and enticing thrill of "crossing the line"

MPAT, bored before she "crossed the line"

24 Season 8 Episode 19
10 a.m. to 11 a.m.
4.26.10

Not since President Clinton turned the White House into the Fun House was "crossing the line" this much fun and terrifying to watch.

What is "crossing the line" you ask? It's when someone runs past that point in one's sub-conscience that allows a person to go off the rails of sanity and suddenly embrace a world where things like grabbing a co-worker's boob, farting in a crowded elevator and torturing for a meaningless peace treaty suddenly sound like rational and viable ideas.

CTU Director Scowlface Chloe: "Jack, you're not thinking clearly. You need to calm the eff down."

Bauercopter: Bauer hears you, Bauer don't care.

Why has Bauer crossed the line and turned into a federal fugitive? The only reason your Uncle John wakes up at 7 a.m. to salute the American flag by firing a couple of rounds with his shotgun: to "git" the Russians.

Bauer's plan is for people to expose themselves out in the open...so all may know their shame. In this case, it's the Russian government for being the shadow terrorist for the entire season and for putting Starbuck in a shitty role with a really tight and revealing purple shirt (I salute you, 24 costume designers. Well played).

Despite Bauer's efforts, the U.S. government has declared the Russian evidence as "too evil," which is the same classification they gave Strom Thurmand's past and John Edwards' charisma.

Luckily, the peace process has a f(r)iend in President Allison Taylor, who is determined as a fat kid at a buffet to get what she wants, no matter the cost. In this case, the cost is waterboarding an enemy combatant and enraging one Jack Bauer.

This idea came from Charles "my neckfat is distracting" Logan who is turning into a combination of Iago and Richard III (yes, I was an English major too) in the twilight hours of 24's life.

Bauer's reaction to being an enemy of the state? Speed dial Michael Madsen and order up some weapons, which is the same thing I do when I get home and the dinner is cold (or, worse, still moving).

Bauer also enlisted the help of Freddie Prinze Jr. because after less than a day of working with him, Jack "knows" the Jr. enough to understand his patriotic soul. After a day has passed, Jack will also be able to tell when you are double crossing him, to pinpoint where you lost your keys and why you faked that orgasm that one time with that guy you met at Country Thunder.

And the only thing Bauer hates more than fake orgasms are fake treaties born from lying liars that have no hope in producing worldwide peace.

The line between peace and justice is caked in vengenance and grand larceny

When two crazies get it on, sparks and bullets will fly

24 Season 8 Episode 18
9 a.m. to 10 a.m.
4.19.10

In the world of 24, peace can never exist for two reasons: it's boring and no one wants to see the Russians at any table, even the kiddie one on Thanksgiving.

With world peace an angry Russian away, Bauer is convinced that no peace is worth it when it has been born from the blood of the innocent. Especially when the innocent is a redhead who was a wild early morning lay.

Crazy uncle Logan's sleeziness has finally come in handy and has found a way to blackmail the Russians into returning to the Peace Table that will produce a treaty that will aim to bring peace to the world.

President Taylor: "You have a sex tape right? Wait, it's worse than a sex tape?"

PT is wasting her time living in the TMZ world of shame. Who needs a sex tape when you happen to know the Russians are behind a plot to ensure peace never breaks out in the Middle East, Europe or Jersey?

According to Logan, they are bastards who orchestrated the Nukes entering the States, the various assassination attempts on Hassan and for implementing Dana Walsh into the plot (most likely their worst offense of all). And the crux of Logan's plan? The simple playground threat of "I'm telling on you."

Logan's wild accusations are enough for the Russians to retract their previous stance of "Um, not really feeling it guys" to "Pass the peace pasta bowl so I can take a massive helping of political posturing."

This means (The Black) Dahlia will be sitting at the peace table across from the very people who indirectly killed her husband. Think of that Thanksgiving when your aunt met her ex-husband's new younger wife who works at Hooters. It's like that.

So while peace is coming through the backdoor (hold for immature laughter), which is the only way Logan will have it, Bauer is running around yelling at Russians in courtrooms and slapping moles with his fist to get to the bottom of the truth.

Chloe: "Jack! Stop hitting people!"
Freddie Prinze Jr: "Just let him play Chloe...he had a lot of sugar this morning" (pssft. sugar = sex).

Though he gets Dana "I will only stare into the camera with dead eyes" Walsh to start talking, Bauer is denied the chance to prove his lead right. Instead, el presidente wants peace thanks to a Julius Caesar quote and the fact that she already had 1 million posters declaring her "The Peacemaker" made up the week before (Homeland Security has to do something with its budget and lack of leadership. Poster making seemed like an obvious evolution).

And to ensure peace, President Taylor makes the bold move of putting Jack in a federal timeout for debriefing. Fatal mistake. Bauer reacts by leaving 24 behind and playing Grand Theft Auto with New York City.

Why do this? Because while peace sounds like a nice concept, the world runs on the war economy and guns will always be cooler than flowers...unless those flowers are filled with poisoned bullets that can shoot out of its petals.

The Quest for Peace and a Girl who can Survive a Post-Coital Shooting

RIP: Walker, Sexual Ranger

24 Season 8 Episode 17
8 a.m. to 9 a.m.
4.12.10

After 8 seasons of 24, the Bauer has finally done what his gun has done at least 500 times before: go off.

For 20 minutes in his Ikea-friendly apartment, Bauer interrogated Walker's va-jay-jay with his man pistol and found out she was working for Morning Glory Deliveries and that she's very good at her job (so good that her performance was enough to distract the assassin outside to hold-off on shooting and use his scope as his own personal pornfinder).

Out of all the women that Bauer has allegedly bedded (Amnesia Teri, Nemesis Nina, Big Lips Claudia, Comatose Audrey), only Renee could match Bauer's animalistic violence. And let's face it, redheads are dynamite in the sack.

Freddie Prinze: "Jack. You have to get debriefed."

Bauer: "I do all my debriefing at home...with women. Not in an empty room with other dudes watching another dude scribble words on a page. Weirdo."

It's the perfect time to get it on since sex is so much dirtier when the prospect for peace dies. And with President Hassan now dead, there isn't much for President Allison "I suck at marriages and peace processes" Taylor to do anymore...except to scold Russian leaders about their anxiety toward peace.

Russian dude: "Mother Russia will never sign such documents about peace unless you provide an inspiring speech on par with the ending of Rocky IV...or ressurect Dolph Lundgren's career. Either way, we wait."

Ah the Russians. It seems 24 will always have a soft-spot for America's Cold War dance partner, and what better way to end the series than with more white men with bad foreign accents (a la Dennis Hopper's bad accent in Season 1) who don't want peace?

Why else would they dispatch a covert cell to kill CTU's only lead in the case (Samir) and attempt to Sniper Bauer and Walker (Worst. Sniper. Ever. Which is what you get when you're made in Russia #sweetcoldwarburn).

And really, was it the sniper bullet or Jack' sperm that killed Walker? I'm guessing it was a combination of both.

Mother Hassan: "What what WHAT?"

Apparently, the final hours of 24 will be an attempt to bring peace to a fictional world that has seen numerous atrocities occur in Los Angeles, and occasionally elsewhere in the world (amazingly, Pittsburgh has been spared...but not from its regular shame).

So in an effort to save the world and bring Treaty Peace to the Middle East (the peace is on paper, not in the streets), Mother Hassan is showing what brown can do for the US and has taken her slain husband's place as president and as being the rough, cold-hearted parent to the eternal whining naive preteen that is Kayla Hassan.

President Hassan, female'd: "Shut up Kayla and get in the limo!"

(I still think the writers lost a bet and are now forced to keep her in the plot at all times).

But how does one protect Peace Process 2.0? With the awkwardness and scowl-faced stares that only Chloe O'Brian can produce.

Bubba Gump's rule as director of CTU is now over, and he leaves a wall of shame that includes the hiring of Starbuck the mole and running down the hall yelling "Seccuuuuuurity!" in an effort to, you guessed it, alert security.

The most technologically advanced CTU office in the country (they have drones that fly remember? 60 percent of the time, they work every time) and this guy thought the best way to sound an alarm was the Paul Revere way. Fool.

With Chloe in charge of things, thanks to the decision by Homeland Security Tim, she can now prove she's smarter than a fifth grader (Prinze Jr) and give hope to the socially awkward in society. If you're right most of the time, no one will care that you're weird and never smile.

However, the key to Peace Process 2.0 is shamed ex-President Logan and his secret Russian files that are apparently legal and have no potential at disgracing the current president. Here's a tip. When you have to explain that your plan isn't illegal and shameful, than it's probably worse than those two combined.

Peace Process 2.0 is doomed anyway. Now that the woman Bauer deposited his sperm into has died, he will no doubt be out for revenge. Every sperm is sacred, but more so when it comes from the man who only has 7 episodes to quench his thirst for violence and counterterrorism.

All I'm saying, is that maybe we should give pizza a chance

Someday, my peace will come...

24 Season 8 Episode 15-16
6 a.m. to 8 a.m.
4.5.10

After being a man of war and purveyor of western whores, President Hassan tried to do something no one thought possible. He tried to bring peace to a television show based on war, terror and violence. In the end, he paid the ultimate price after hearing a list of his alleged crimes, which included:

-being an infidel
-having too much hair
-spawning the most annoying daughter in 24 history
-trying to screw up the Slumdog Millionaire
-failing to negotiate a White Castle franchise for his country in the peace treat

The lesson? Never try. Or at the very least give pizza a chance as opposed to peace. Studies on the internet from the Institute of Wayward Facts suggest that 83 percent more people embrace the notion of $1 slice Thursdays as opposed to worldwide peace.

Instead, Hassan's life was taken in a secret backroom in an apartment inhabited by two human shields posing as a mother and her child.

How did we get to this conclusion that showed Bauer weeping at the cold corpse of Hassan? A calculated fuck-up orchestrated by White House officials, a CTU mole and a boy who loved his girlfriend so much that he was willing to forget about her whole felony past.

It was a spectacular display of shame on all accounts, save for Bubba Gump setting up a security detail that required people to ask his permission to leave the building. Apparently treating counterterrorist agents as 6-year-olds paid off.

And though his end goal was peace, Hassan eventually stepped into harm's way to protect the white women and children in Manhattan from being exposed to a dirty bomb. It's already enough they have to deal with MTV and a deluge of reality stars puking in the city's alleyways. A dirty bomb going off and spreading its dirtiness on the Upper West Side would have pushed the city to the edge, inspiring nightly re-enactments of the "Rowdy" Roddy Piper six-minute fight scene from They Live.

Thanks to Hassan that reality won't exist. In its place is a reality where supercop agents (a la Bauer) can steal whatever car they want and terrorists can use Bluetooth headsets and a cup of coffee to conduct kidnappings.

It's a world where the White House Chief of Being a Dick oversteps his boundaries and sacrifices a career (and possibly a life) for the good of the NYC elite, and where moles like Dana "The Strangler" Walsh find a better motive for terrorist other than money.

"Isn't it always?"

To borrow a phrase from Chief of Staff Rob "I'm here for the heart attack" Weiss: "Really? Reeealllly?"

We were led to believe that she had such reservations helping her ex-boyfriend Kevin score and it turns out she's the same...only her crimes of choice is treason and breaking hearts.

Poor Freddie Prinze Jr. He just wanted to know what love was...and now he knows. It's fraught with accusations, suspicion and pain. Happy Valentine's Day friendo.

It's ok though. CTU has a wellness center that assists agents who have been emotionally compromised. It consists of someone from upper management providing a long hard stare, squinting their eyes and saying, "Get over it."

The CTU wellness pledge may come in handy during "The Final Hours" of 24 (on television), which may allow us to forgive things such as Chloe figuring out where Hassan was located in the building from the way the sunlight hit his face during the grainy terrorist video (good guys have Cisco, bad guys have Skype) and Bauer playing the "If you're brown, get down!" game.

For now, we're all in the metaphorical Situation Room, watching the final scenes of 24 play out and waiting for an epic death or for a guy from Jersey with a ridiculous pair of abs. Either way, it's going to be creepy and weird, and despite some of the best efforts from some of the heroes of 24, there will still be some countries that still don't have access to pizza.

Subterranean Gunfight Blues

24 Season 8 (The Last One) Episode 14
5 a.m. to 6 a.m.
3.29.10

The rods, in their non-glowing stupid glory, is now in the heart of NYC and, in a matter of 15 minutes, threatens to make the Upper West Side look like Trenton, New Jersey, complete with the radiation-poisoned zombies.

The terrorist terms? The delivery of President Hassan. The U.S. reaction: an almost unanimous "No Effing Way."

The minority position: ummm....would it really be that bad?

Chief of Being a Dick Weiss: "This is America. There are mostly Americans living in the Upper West Side. We have to protect Americans and not brown people yelling about peace treaties and missing daughters."

But because Prez Taylor subscribes to the "No Effing Way" response, that idea is struck down because America doesn't give in to terrorists and could use a good bombing so the country can do what she does best: get up after getting punched in the va-jay-jay.

Now that NYC is threatened, President Hassan must be ushered to safety. Unfortunately, Connecticut was already booked by David Letterman, which meant the Family Hassan had to be brought (and in one instance carried) to the rough roads of New Jersey for safety.

Bringing people to New Jersey to be safe is like putting a baby in a venus flytrap crib.

Ethan Kanin: "This is...beyond madness!"

No Ethan, this is SPPAAAARRTTTTAAA and Sparta men like Bauer don't question a plan that involves an underground escape route. What he does question is when he gets ass-called by people in the middle of an operation.

Bauer: "Kanin just called and didn't say anything. I heard muffled voices and it sounded like he was walking around...Eff this mission."

But it's too late. The Secretary of Being a Dick has already been peer pressured into hatching a plan that involves US military soldiers kidnapping the Hassan to take to the terrorists, which is being dubbed the "Two Birds" Strike...because it involves the ritual sacrifice of two birds in the process.

Sadly, this may actually be the best option since Starbuck the Mole is using her dead eyes and rough whispers to relay information to head badguy Samir. Why? Because someone eight years ago bet one of the 24 writers that they couldn't stretch a television show for eight seasons by implementing a plotline that involved a mole each year.

Unless the Chief of Being a Dick Weiss grows a heart (and he won't because the dudes who get appointed to this position have no soul and call everyone retarded), Hassan will be captured and handed over to head badguy Samir, turning the Tunnel of Freedom into a Subterranean Shitshow. This was made evident with Daughter Hassan's contribution this week of spraining her ankle, forcing others to carry her to safety.

As a counterattack, Bauer released the anti-terrorism Cracken, a la Clash of the Titans, and used smoke grenades and trickery to take down an elite team of US military men (or as elite as they can rustle up at 5 a.m., which is known around the world as "skank time" in strip clubs and military operations).

It doesn't matter. Starbuck Mole alerts the terrorists that the president has indeed signaled she is saying "No Effing Way" to their demands, causing Samir to put into motion a 15-minute doomsday clock for the Upper West Side that will have a brown man in a white van as ground zero once all the dust has settled.

And when this happens, what will Jersey's reaction be? "Dude. No. Effing. Way."

It's 4 a.m. and ears of CTU agents are still ringing and your only hope is...

I know computers and hate praise.

24 Season 8 Episode 13
4 a.m. to 5 p.m.
3.22.10

Since CTU has been EMP'd into the stone age, which is technically 1993 in tech terms, the once all-knowing, all-seeing and all-hearing entity has been reduced to traffic cams, phone with hardlines and remote-controlled drones circling the sky that will soon become self-aware and kill us all.

It's gotten so bad that the only thing the essential personnel at CTU can do is pass along reports of burned agents and flooding in the basement.

Bubba Gump: Flooding in the basement...will we drown?"
America: You're dumb without your fancy techno gizmos

The non-essential personnel was escorted outside with the rest of the scum, mainly because they didn't have access to the fancy CTU flashlights (you need a level 4 Hastings pass).

Thankfully, the NSA showed up with its magical box of cell phones and a by-the-book tech dude on a power trip. Why the bad attitude? Oh right, he's married and pushing geeky chics around is the only way he can feel powerful.

I'm not surprised. The NSA always gets a little anxious whenever anyone wants to get up in someone's Trunk Line, especially when it's the girl who makes weird faces into the camera. And because the writers never really explained why it was so dangerous to go through the Trunk Line, I have to believe it was because they weren't allowed to say "Let's just go up the ass and get the system running again" on national television...even on Fox.

Now that CTU is the deaf, dumb and blind kid (who can play a mean pinball), Jack is left to fend for himself with an actor desperately trying not to say "Dude" every 10 seconds (you can hear the intonation in his voice that he soooo wants to).

"Dude! There's snipers everywhere! That's a suicide play! Dude!"

But can it really be called a suicide play when Jack has fashioned an armored turtle float that is now crawling toward freedom? They should have called it the Slowsky Float, since it was going at dial-up speed. It would have been appropriate given the out-of-date tech theme of the night.

It's a shame Not-Owen-CTU man didn't trust Operation Human Shield. His punishment? Being turned into a bullet pinata for all to see.

However, the Slowski Initiative did little compared to the Bauer's "suicide" play of running around in circles and shooting blindly into the night with an automatic rifle. If this was a real suicide play, Jack would have C4 strapped to his back while holding a hand cannon and riding a rabid tiger.

This was all so that they could reach this mythical "hardline" telephone so they could call CTU, the federal agency that looks to recruit people who think differently, which in this case includes people with a penchant for Trunk Lines and grumpy-looking blondes who have a soft-spot for terrorism.

Yes, welcome to your new mole: Starbuck. Apparently the subplot was lame for a reason...and now we get to look forward to Freddy Prinze Jr's best attempt at his "What the...." face when he finds out.

At least we got to see Prady try to cop a feel before he choked out. Like riding a rabid tiger to your death, there's the lame way to go out and then there's the classy way.

How to win a war: Use hysterical women and yellow Taxis

File 33 is well protected with graphics and Velcro

24 Season 8 Episode 12
3 a.m. to 4 a.m.
3.15.10

I had a File 33 once. It held printouts of chatroom logs from a girl I met online, as well as the skematics for my super-cool funhouse I was going to build with tinfoil and scrap wood. I was also 12 and thought it was a good idea to have all my important information in once place. Apparently Omar is on par with the Secret Spy Club organization I formed in my preteen years.

The mysterious "File 33" was announced and revealed in the same episode (which is something Lost could learn from) and was shown to hold all of the fatal flaws of the U.S. It knew about our defensive weak points (California) and the area where, if hit, would crush the American spirit (surprisingly, it's the Ben & Jerry's Factory in Vermont).

The mere existence of File 33 also revealed Bauer's true feelings on immigration issues.

Bauer: Dude, your family brought this messed-up shit into the country. So you get just geeeeeeeet out.

What's that? You want Bauer to save your daughter instead of millions of American lives? Tough shit. When it comes to Team America JB is all about yelling at the NYPD and playing with his laptop while going 80 mph down the street. That's freedom people...and it costs a buck o five.

Despite its cost, it's something the rest of the world envies and some people are willing to take some phallic nuclear rods and light our ass up like the Fourth of July...because we got the bombs.

In retaliation for their jealously, they have deployed a hysterical woman named Kayla who's really good being a 16-year-old girl in a twentysomething's body and following point-to-point directions to CTU while driving a car and screaming "I don't know where I am!" out the window.

Poor Kayla...how can your dad run a country when his child hasn't even been trained on how to send signals via a terrorist video?

Being able to pick up on subtle shit like that is what Team America is all about, which is why Jack can figure out when an immigrant is faking an American accent (it just feels wrong). Deciphering yellow taxis? That's another story entirely.

Bauer: It's empty! EMPTY!

You know what else is empty? The interest the American public has for the Starbuck Storyline of Resurrected Plots. Dude #2 shows up and demands information. Granted, it's allowed Stephen Root into the building who is capable of being dramatically creepy as well as being a dodgeball master.

At this point, I wish Kevin would rise up and just kill Starbuck a la Jason Takes Manhattan. Truckasaurus should show up just to be sure the job gets done.

And then after Truckasaurus kills Starbuck, it can go to CTU and show Bubba Gump how to run things as opposed to yelling "Good work people!" prematurely and running down the hall yelling security.

A goddamn bomb is showing up at your place of bidness and your first reaction is to race down the hall yelling "SECURITY!" instead of picking up the phone and hitting the red button for security?

Maybe Bubba Gump will do better when he's not surrounded by all this fancy technology and is forced to catch criminals Miami Vice style, with brick-like cellphones, beepers, cheap suits and good old fashion street fights. And Tubs. You can't do shit without Tubs. Respect.

The Man in the Box

24 Season 8 Episode 11
3.8.10
2 a.m. to 3 a.m.

Apparently even a man locked in a box with a bomb vest on (Target will be the first to jump on the new fashion statement this summer) is no match for the Bauer, who used his angry Care Bear stare through the window and threats of turning people's moms into radiation zombies to convince Half-White Terrorist Marcus out of hiding.

Sure, you can try drilling through the door or engage in political discussions, but the only way to really coax a would-be suicide bomber is to bring his unsuspecting mom down to the hospital and make her cry into a camera. In some countries, this is also how the local police force get hardened criminals to confess to crimes. Except in Mexico, where everyone and their mother is guilty of something (occasionally it's being too sexy).

The other piece of tension aside from that? Watching green dots appear on the vest. One at a time. Every 10 minutes.

Take into account the demotion of Starbuck and Bubba Gump saying her and her angry-distrusting-husband-to-be are replaceable (though not right now because it takes forever to set up the obstacle course), and you've got yourself a boring and shitty episode.

One thing saved it: Stephen Root and his evil beard. But instead of the Red Stapler from Office Space, Root is armed with a southern accent and impeccable timing. Of course the criminal who just died would have his parole officer come looking for him in NYC at 2 a.m. This is where insanity never sleeps (or leaves you alone at the bar).

This is more evidence that one should never answer their phone at 2 a.m. It either leads to unwarranted accusations or an ugly drunk girl. Yes, you'll have a new story to tell at the bar, but it takes a week for the shame to come off.

Starbuck: Cole! Kevin's parole officer is in town and I dunno what to do!
Cole: Just lie. Whore. Sorry, I didn't mean to say that....whore.

Offering strategical advice and being passive aggressive at the same time is one of the many merit badges available for the CTU boyscout. Of course, those who wish to "trade-up" can demean themselves with Arlo, the sleazy tech guy (which is part of the last leg of the recruitment obstacle course for newbies).

Oh you like sleazy sex in fancy hotels? Then come on down to House of Tarin, where men talk of Amnesty and the women are naive. And there are free showers for everyone (but all must shower alone!).

So President Hassan has been vindicated for his irrational fears and paranoia. Next up on his agenda? Random pantsings...just to see who is a closeted tighty whitey.

And now Bauer is on his way to the hotel room of ill repute, where he will use his specialist skills to break up another seemingly happy couple. In the Olive Garden commercial of life, Bauer is the Kool Aid Man of justice, ready to bust into any scene to make it more interesting and refreshing. Or, in the case of all the families in those Olive Garden commercials, drown their stupid pasta-eating faces in their stupid chicken Alfredo.

OG commercials, the gauntlet has been thrown.