Game of Drones

You know why I picked this picture

24 Season 9 Episode 1 & 2
11:04 am - 1pm
5.5.14

In the world of Bauer, you either win or you end up in West London pretending to take a powernap on cardboard before the CIA man-rushes you with loud bangs and lights. Thus began 24, the show that left us four years ago with talk of a movie and a massive franchise in the works. 

Instead of that, we got Kiefter Sutherland in the ill-fated Touch and Homeland, which I took as an open apology for Season 3 of 24 (the one where the writers spent half the season screwing with us).

So I thought I was done. I was fine with The Bauer getting spammed comments throughout the years and even considered re-watching the entire series for the laughs. 

But then I saw the Superbowl Ad. And then in tonight's episode, everyone kept using the term "Special Activities" and I couldn't stay away. Apparently, neither could Jack.

For the past four years, he's been keeping a low profile, hanging out with tatted up dirty European electricians who will do anything you want at the touch of your embedded Life Alert device in your hand.

Things have changed. Bauer wears a hoodie now and is forced to coerce people to help him instead of asking because (welp) he has no friends. Life Alert is helpful, but it doesn't pour you a drink or provide a customary reach-around when you need it.

Chloe has changed too (same confused scowl-face though, despite the goth look) and is now a Freedom Hacktivist, which means she sets information free.  It's like that time your friend took your iPhone and made all your private Spotify playlists public, which exposed your love for Taylor Swift and the soundtrack to the film "Frozen." Sure, it's embarrassing, but in the end the public had to know. 

After four years, it seems the CIA has cornered Bauer and is hauling him in for questioning by the mysterious Special Activities division. With that vague of a name, I have to imagine they can engage in torture and endless games of Uno in the same day. 

At this point, we know what's going to happen. Jack puts on his constipated face and his vitals remain steady. Then the blonde from Dexter shows up and he experiences an erection emotion. Yes he wanted to get caught and before anyone knows what's going on, Life Alert shows up and starts firing shit through the road and dropping down $500 rescue ladders.

It's all for the good of the country who chose to mark Jack as a terrorist and elect a president with a "condition" that makes him forget facts and numbers. This "condition" could be Alzheimer's or Oldness. Either way, The President Heller plot is boring, aside from the "I remember how annoying Audrey was in Season 4" factor. #massive24nerd

The true danger is revealed later to be the cold, emotionless drones, flying above our heads ready to drop bombs or Amazon.com packages (only if you're an Optimus Prime member). Someone has found a way to hack 10 of them and that someone has a penchant for slutty girls with Russian accents. 

Nerds. I get it. Slutty girls with Russian accents are a fantastic fantasy. But seriously, get paid first and definitely don't leave the thing that's worth billions on the bathroom sink while you take a pee. Or knife to the brain you will get. (Seriously writers? A knife to the BRAIN?)

So who wants to control the drones? It's Catelyn Stark from Game of Thrones, who has a history of mothering cripples and imprisoning innocent men. Now her sights are set on moving the doomsday clock closer to, well, doom. She's starting by attacking confused old men yelling at the clouds above them. Heads and bombs will surely roll.

The Blood of Bauer is filled with Rage, Remorse and Weaponized Gas

24 Season 7 Episode 23-24
6 a.m. - 8 a.m.

There will be blood...in your bomb.

There is only one true threat to the nation and it lies within the throbbing angry veins of Bauer that can either be used for a bioweapon or as fighting juice. If Bauer feels tired, he drinks some from any of the inevitable cuts he has on his body and is good for another 24 hours.

The plan, according to Tony, is to extract the blood from a dying man as a last-ditch effort to create a bomb that will teach the nation a lesson. I'm not sure what that lesson is, but I'm sure, like this plan, it's probably something ridiculous like save the environment or something (what sound does your Hybrid make? I bet it's lame).

Bauer is viable as a weapon and the White House has no "actionable intelligence" as to why. It's probably because all of the administration's intel comes from random accusations and obsessed family members content on treating the country's highest office as a conduit for revenge.

Silly Taylors. If you want revenge, you go to the principal's office and get your enemy's child thrown in behavioral classes where they learn phrases like "Freeze!" and "Drop it!"

Thanks to Aaron's red-headed, one-armed meddling, as well as his lack of compassion for his new employer (he's probably pissed. people retire for a reason), Olivia is drowning in her sea of lies and blaming it on the fact that Hodges killed her brother.

Ugh. I hate the Taylors and I'm glad their OCD ways only gave them trips to the hospital and prison. As for Ethan, he only proves that my paranoia is well-grounded and that everyone should drive around in a Hyundai Genesis, the only car equipped to analyze evidence against your sworn enemy.

In fact, Ethan may be the only clear winner after today's events with the president saying "I need you" with that creepy my-husband-will-never-let-me-touch-him-again look.

Best line of the night: "I'm sorry honey" from Mama Prez as she sends her daughter to pound-me-in-the-ass prison in the same vocal tone as a mother apologizing for forgetting to pick up her kid after school.

Redheads like to meddle, as well as recycle tired plots from past 24 seasons, as evidenced by Kara's I-have-your-daughter-Jack-now-do-what-I-say plan. At this point, Jack's file should really come with a "If he picks his nose, he's been compromised" clause to let people know when he's under duress.

But then we wouldn't be privy to his bipolar tendencies of changing from an agent of good to a maniacal terrorist (real world example: Bauer narrating Bank of America ads to Bauer headbutting fashion people...though I still can't decide which one is more evil).

It doesn't matter. Jack flat-out yells about Tony's people keeping Kim captive (she's trapped inside of a laptop screen!) and is quickly dragged away into the terrorist car so that Tony can explain his "We can use his blood" plan because he has seen "the big picture" (is that code for seeing the medical procedure on the Discovery Channel?).

With Tony treating Jack like an American Buffalo (no part must go unused...except the loins. Those are Jack's to keep in the afterlife. It's only fair), Kim Bauer is being treated like the family dog, with all eyes watching her, hoping she won't shit herself in public (I'm talking about us, not the terrorist couple of Curly Smiles and Hobble Hair).

We've been in this territory before and know what Kim is capable of. A part of me expected her to be caught under the airport seats because of some loose clothing and then, in an epic cameo, Johnny Drama would show up to offer his assistance.

However Kim doesn't actually mess anything up. She tracks down Hobble Hair, gets a cop to actually aim at someone bad and grabs a laptop out of a burning car. The only tragedy from the entire situation is that Kim wasn't tackled by Hot Agent Walker to extinguish her arm of fire. When are we going to have good lesbians on 24?

BTW: two people get through airport security with a gun AND a knife? Is our airline security so awful that...oh they're both white? Nevermind.

Apparently the only thing airport security is good at is fleeing from the scene and spitting out the words "It was chaos...everywhere...streetlights...people."

They probably graduated from the same online university that trained doctors to administer a sedative and extract spinal chord fluid. Either that, or the weaponized blood allows Bauer to store paralyzing drugs in one area of his body while the rest of him seethes with rage.

Or maybe Bauer has made peace with his weaponized blood, which gives him the strength to subdue four terrorist doctors and escape to the sunlight where he...finds a garage with a cab in it? Whhhaaa....?

Right. I don't care about logic. Totally forgot.

Bauer is captured again, after failing to kill himself with a flare (deep down, the blood won't let him) and is brought into a room where Tony explains his really for reals reason for doing everything he's done today: sweet sexy revenge.

And not just any sort of revenge. It's revenge for his wife, his unborn son (Riiiight. While Michelle was preggers, she was ready to help fight terrorism in season 4) and every other lousy plot twist in the 24 franchise.

All of that, according to Tony, is the fault of one Alan Wilson. He was behind the Logan administration, the assassinating of President Palmer and he's probably the one who let the cougar loose in the woods to terrorize Kim. Yes, this guy is pure evil.

So the plan, which at this point must be based on the Wile E. Coyote cartoon he saw on his iPod Touch a couple of hours ago, is to strap Jack with a bomb that will detonate when Tony texts "FU" on his phone.

Why the human bomb? Because Alan "Evil Patient Zero" Wilson will get close enough to Bauer during Tony's meet-and-greet. It's partly Bauer's fault, after pleading to Tony to let him die in pieces. What? Oh, I guess I heard him wrong too.

But Tony does get close enough, thanks to the FBI showing up (Kim figured it out? The 24 world I grew up in is dead), and gives Wilson a righteous beating for the various 24 plots he was involved in (I have to believe the majority of those kicks were for season 6) while screaming "YOU KILLED MY SON!!"

Bauer ruins the moment by shooting Tony in the shoulder and then in the hand (which is especially cold since Jack knows it's Tony's masturbating hand).

With Alan "I'm innocent in the eyes of the law" Wilson in custody, Bauer is ready to die, but before he gets some rest (coma), he offers Hot Agent Walker some advice in the form of "Make choices you can live with" and "Don't say anything at all."

Walker takes the advice to heart and, upon seeing Wilson in a holding room, takes off her gun and badge, disables the monitoring system and handcuffs Janice. Why? To make her watch. Torture is so much dirtier when there's an audience.

Too bad for Janice. She just got validation from Chloe at the conclusion of their awkward Olympics, which is like the special Olympics, only no one cheers at the end.

Bauer returns to his pain cycle and calls upon the only Muslim he didn't physically torture in his life and, in the fleeting moments of consciousness, finds enough religion inside of him to forgive himself for everything he's ever done...which includes most of season 3.

The day ends with Bauer enjoying his Morphine-induced coma with Kim by his side, ready to offer up her stem cells in an experimental treatment because, like those of us who enjoy haphazard plots and wooden dialogue, she isn't ready to let him go yet.

Bauer doesn't usually apologize for anything, but when he does, he likes to make sure he's got the forgiveness of God and a healthy batch of stem cells by his side. Season 8 is upon us....stay thirsty my friends.

Neighborhood Watch and the Immense Stupidity of Kim Bauer

24 Season 7 Episode 22
5 a.m. to 6 a.m.

Uuuhhh...I get kidnapped now? Yes?

Tony is in charge and controlling every one's level of awareness, from the Muslim on the train to the random people at the airport who felt the need to look at the pretty blond girl in front of them through a laptop screen.

But what happens when people try to increase their awareness into an unauthorized level? People die...badly...while Tony...spits out...broken...dialogue...slowly.

Tony's speech is also how he gets people to do things for him since no one can really stand the sound of his sandpaper voice.

Jibraan armed with the desire to save his Puerto Rican-looking brother, is told to board the red line and take it to the final stop at Washington Square. Oh, and just to mess with him, Tony hung a "Save the World" poster in the train ticket booth.

In Jibraan's defense, those posters are pretty motivational, which is why 16-year-old girls are barred from having such things in case someone's college-aged brother gets the wrong idea.

However, no poster or PSA can save Jibraan, especially since now that terrorist blond has donned on a brunette wig with glasses, an image that is nonthreatening in society thanks to Tina Fey.

Train people don't care if an angry, hungover-looking Tina Fey shows up. But a Muslim in a jean jacket with a look of uncertainty? Then train people go on neighborhood watch and keep their belongings close. You never knew that happened? It's probably because you're being watched...by everyone (even Tony...but mostly by the suspicious train people who will turn you in to the commuter cops in a hot second).

Unfortunately, since the train people work alone, Bauer has no access to them and must rely on the only thing he knows how to do: inflict pain. And his favorite kind of pain? The one that's already there that only needs to be irritated with a harsh push.

In this case, it's a bunch of nerve clusters ripped to shreds from broken glass. Ah, the unbridled joy of torture is back in Bauer's life and with the FBI silently watching (and secretly cheering on), Senator Mayer must be shaking his head shamefully in hell. You question Bauer's methods during a congressional hearing, you go to hell.

As always, torture works and uncovers a secret emergency number for Tony, which sparks an encryption geek war back at CTU, which has created a strange universe where Chloe is the father figure and Janice is the unappreciated son looking for validation. As for everyone else, they're in the kitchen making Jello in the hopes that the geek war gets physical and sexy.

From the geek war of awkwardness, Tony's general location is found and sends Bauer to a certain neighborhood in D.C. where he has instructed himself to ram his car into anything suspicious, be it dark green mailbox, a McDonald's that runs out of Chicken McNuggets (I can actually smell them as I type) or various vans that come jetting out of streets.

There's one! And Tony's inside? Whhaaaa.....Oh wait. I stopped caring about logic and reason years ago with this show.

With the bomb set to go off in less than 15 minutes (anyone else happy the timing wasn't going to spill into the next episode?), Bauer is feeling frantic, tired and betrayed, allowing him to bring the pain on his former frienemy/friend/co-conspirator/drinking buddy/collateral damage/enemy.

But he doesn't shoot because they're just two dudes with nothing left to lose. Like the title? Good. CBS just hired a TV writer to come up with a new sitcom with that premise staring Charlie Sheen and his brother Emilio.

On the other side of town, Olivia Taylor is attempting to prevent a political bomb from exploding in her face thanks to her late-night murder-call and now has to be coaxed into a political coverup. I thought she got off on this type of stuff. OT, I don't know you at all.

And what do you mean they shot first and now demanding payment? Who did Taylor get mixed up with, real estate agents?

Besides, that's no way to make random friends. The best way is through an earpiece and telling your new friend to search a train for an abandoned bioweapon in a bag because when a person is in a crazy situation, he'll naturally listen to the voice booming into his head.

So with only about a minute left, Jibraan runs out of the station yelling "I Have Bomb!" in an effort to save the very train people who suspected him in the first place, which will only give them credence to their stereotypical accusations, even when they find out later they were wrong.

Bauer, who has run out of crafty ideas to save the world, reaches in and uses his season 3 move for the canister, only this time no teacher lunches were harmed in the process.

Now, according to Hot Agent Walker, Bauer can rest and live the last couple of hours of his life in peace. Until Kim shows up at the airport and does what she does best: the most idiotic thing in the world

Thanks to her misguided CTU training, she suspects the man staring at her as someone bad (he's working for the FBI and was ironically put there to keep her safe) and ends up walking toward the people working with Tony. The only thing missing from this scenario is an inbred mountain lion circling Kim in the woods of LA waiting to pounce, shattering and semblance of reality from the plot.

Tony's people, armed with homicidal tendencies and a well-positioned laptop, have taken (there's a movie called that about a father getting his daughter back from...heeeeeyyy I think I just got cross market'd) Kim, or at least taken the idea of taking Kim, in an effort to provoke Bauer to free Tony from FBI custody.

Unfortunately, this is bad for the FBI because when Bauer gets provoked, headbutts of rage start flying around in the name of honor, liberty and rebelling against the fashion elite.

Jack Bauer, headbutting the world for justice, so you don't have to.

Government cover-ups are hard, controlling the innocent is easy

24 Season 7 Episode 21
4 a.m. to 5 a.m.

Bauer, racially profiling you with one hand in his pocket.

CTU was up to its racial-profiling tricks again with Bauer checking every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse for a Muslim who may or may not have been a terrorist.

Another great CTU tradition was in effect as well, with Jack telling Chloe something personal and then growling at her to "Go back to work." Interestingly enough, he's already ordered that for his gravestone so when people visit him, they'll know the time they wasted would have been better spent racially profiling terrorists with the CTU servers of hate.

Too soon? Not for Bauer. He's already accepted his fate since his day has revolved around the seven stages of grief: shock ("Why did you call my daughter! That wasn't your call!"), denial ("Whatever you heard Renee, I didn't kill anyone!"), guilt ("I'm so sorry I got you in the middle of this"), anger ("Look at the picture?!?), depression ("I gave up on forgiving myself a long time ago") and acceptance ("There is no treatment. There is no cure. I stick things in my arm to feel better and play racial profiling games to improve my memory.")

And, as always, racial profiling proves that it works and this time was even sanctioned by the liberals (embodied in the pathetic gaze of the Janice). If Janice had her way, the FBI would have a six hour discussion on the best course of action, complete with pie charts and the collected works of Hank Williams playing in the background, only to read about what they should have done in next week's Time Magazine. And then bitch some more.

The servers turned up a 28-year-old Muslim man named Al-Zarian, who has a penchant for early breakfasts and acting like a terrorist when a gun is pointed at his brother's head. Actually, he's a little too good at playing the pissed-off Muslim role. Hmmm...

Everything is an effort to keep his brother safe (who DOES look Puerto Rican...are they even related?) and all Al-Zarian has to do is read a script from Evil Tony Almeida and pose for a home-made video.

We're starting to get more clues about the very bad things Tony did as a low-level criminal. Videotaping the Muslims...for shame Tony. For. Shame.

Though it may be a bad day for the brother of a would-be Muslim terrorist (who has yet to get breakfast by the way), it is perhaps worse for Chief of Leakage Olivia Taylor who is just as good at spilling the beans as she is at spreading her legs for unethical journalists in the mood to bump uglies late at night.

For $250,000 she can put away Jonas Hodges, the man she blames for the terrorists attacks, the murder of her brother and that time in the 6th grade when everyone laughed when she farted (whenever gas is used, Hodges is involved).

However, from her dramatic mouse scroll away from the "EXECUTE" button (what system allows double-meaning buttons on their system? It can't be Vista, unless that's Latin for suck and blow), we see Olivia does have a conscience and eventually rejects the payment to off the old man who is being set up with a new identity, torn away from his family and brought to a place where presumably no one will know his name.

If Hodges was a science teacher being crushed with a huge mortgage and in a loveless marriage, he'd be living the American dream.

But he's not. He's a powerful man who has built his name into someone who can smell attitude and throws files at closing doors.

Now he'll be Robert Tippit, an avid bowler who is affectionately called Beard Sauce by his friends because he likes to stroke his beard for the sauce that fell there while he was eating hot wings. He also likes exploding in cars.

Goodbye Hodges. I was going to post a picture of a surprised Jon Voight out of respect, but after googling "Hodges" I found this instead and was distracted for a good two minutes and forgot all about you. Then I found her MySpace page and remembered why I don't bother with my account on there anymore.

As for Olivia, she has found she's good at politically sabotaging herself as well and has the beginnings of a government cover-up on her hands. Do I care? Hardly.

How will Hodges face judgement in the next life? He'll be a beard covering the double chin of a female circus performer from Russia. That's right, Karma is ice cold.

Karma has also found a way to knock Jack down a couple of steps from the Grief scale by helping Chloe determine that the timestamps on the terrorist websites on Al-Zarian's computer were fake.

Rage ensues once more, with Bauer lamenting that he should have known an innocent man would be easier to control than an actual terrorist. Why? Because an innocent man is completely willing to buy into the terrorist health plan, which looks pretty attractive these days given the state of the current health care industry.

Bauer finds the staging area for Tony's Muslims Gone Wild video shoot, but is too late and can only witness a Puerto Rican-looking dude engaging in a personal jihad to some guy's throat.

The good news? Since learning that Bauer is on a suicide mission to save the world, America's 24-hour hero has finally received the respect and adoration of a Muslim leader.

The bad news? The attack is targeting a subway, which is probably meant to disrupt the morning commute in an effort to create an army of William Fosters, who will be a group of ordinary men at war with the everyday world (also known as journalists...Boston journalists to be exact).

The worse news? The war on climate change has a week off because of the absence of a 24 PSA on global warming.

Jack Bauer wants to believe in the resurrection of CTU

24 Season 7 Episode 20
3 a.m. to 4 a.m.


CTU is back, along with it's complicated, illegal-searching servers, to save the country with Big Brother tactics and racial profiling. Oh you have a problem with that Air America?

Janice: Talk about Big Brother

Finally, Garofalo has become relevant on the show as the liberal mouthpiece of the FBI, talking about freedom, the bill of rights and everything else Bob Marley wanted you to have. And it only took 20 hours.

The 24 producer's Bauer's response? GO WHINE SOMEWHERE ELSE! The only thing missing was a colonel's uniform and a speech about how no one has the courage to pick up a weapon and stand guard.

Despite being bombed and constantly infiltrated with moles and obese computer technicians (I'm gonna go ahead and throw the leftovers of my ham sandwich on the ground for Edgar Styles), CTU apparently did a better job at protecting America than people thought. However with Tony enacting the "I think one bomb is enough" plan, the country needs to fight crazy with crazy. Hence, the resurrection of CTU her sexy, know-it-all servers.

And, like most of the missions old-school CTU engaged in, Bauer opened the department up with his tried-and-true "I know you have lost friends and colleagues today, but we have to work" speech.

Tony, like a dog humping a stuffed animal, has an agenda and it involves an anonymous group of people willing to meet late at night to scheme how to wage war on the general public.

If I'd had to guess, I'd say this group is the National Association of Realtors, a group that probably spent countless encrypted 4 a.m. phone calls dreaming up terms like PMI (it's like rent only with PMS) and how to make sure a cloud of raining pee is perpetually showering a home's backyard the second you close on said house.

Someday, Realtors of America, the cloud of raining pee will be above your head, causing the housing market to crash, banks unable to give out loans and more people turning to apartments...

I'm not sure what Realtors would do with the canister, but I'm almost positive it would be to clear up some space for some low-priced, high-risk model homes situated near the ghetto. The draw? A built-in fireplace and Tony Almeida as a handy day worker who can replace shower curtains and give motivational speeches about taking terrorist opportunities when they present themselves.

Bauer: I made a terrible, terrible mistake. I wanted to believe.

Yes, we all wanted to believe that, deep down, illegal aliens are good. But the sad reality is that they're not. They're like Tony Almeida, a man who's ready to go the distance for one last terrorist attack. And the plan? To blame it on a real illegal alien who's doing right by the country he's visiting indefinitely by making breakfast in the middle of the night and watching the news...because that's not suspicious at all.

Jeez, Al-Zarian. You know why it's never a good day to be a Muslim? Cause you pull creepy shit like that. Listen to your brother and try to look as Puerto Rican as possible. The only thing they're suspicious of is being too awesome at dancing and baseball.

Unfortunately for Al-Zarian, he falls under the umbrella of enemy combatant, which is reserved for anyone who has killed Americans or who looks suspicious. That is, unless you're old, white and rich. In that case, you can do what you want and in the end, get a vacation from any sort of responsibility thanks to Witness Protection.

Jonas Hodges, who sucks at domestic and internal terrorism, is alive and screaming about protecting his family and suicide. Eventually, Bauer gives him the aural version of Twitter's beloved Fail Whale and tells the old man that he's "already dead" (which is a common tactic to confuse senior citizens into giving up vital information such as bank account numbers and where they hid their supply of vanilla wafers). In exchange for information, Hodges will get a proof of death certificate.

However when that doesn't work, Bauer places a fake late-night drunk dial to a Washington Post journalist because Hodges is old enough to remember when the print media mattered.

This tactic works, thanks to the combination seniors fear most: the press and not having their obituary in the paper.

If Hodges wasn't so out of touch, he would have realized that any journalist awake past midnight is either drunk or begging for sex and hardly working on a story.

And the one's who are working? They're getting screwed by the president's daughter, who has ceased to be the Chief of Staff and has become a crazed woman thirsty for revenge (or maybe just a hug from Aaron. The red-headed Secret Service stranger and cure all with his open arms, even if one is in a sling).

The only thing Olivia is good for is calling random men in at night. Her newest contact is apparently "too hardcore" for politics and may be the answer to her feelings of revenge when it comes to one Jonas Hodges.

As for Bauer, he's running on pure feelings of rage, which is emerging through his hatred for the liberal media, writing "terrifying reports" about his day and placing old friends into the enemy combatant pile. He's losing patience, the same way regular people stop caring about a cappella groups halfway through their song.

The worst part? He's apparently reverted back to Season 2 and thinks Palmer is still alive.

When the entire world lies, the truth will be locked in a man full of rage

24 Season 7 episode 19
2 a.m. to 3 a.m.



Everybody lies. Those who don't are stricken with a bioweapon or killed in a firefight, all because Tony "Climate Change is Real" Al-Queda (thank you to the "Anonymous" commenter from last week's post for that one) wants to sell off a little bit of dementia-causing gas for a shit load of money.

The payoff? He gets to keep his street cred and his badass jacket.

But his mission has come at a price and has claimed the life of Special Agent Larry Moss, along with Tony's love handles on the left side of his body.

Hot Agent Walker, who was gearing up for a 5 a.m. "talk" with the Moss, was informed she had been promoted, which allowed her to issue her first order: someone tell Moss' ex-wife and it can't be me.

Janice: "I'll do it" (looks up with sad dog eyes).

Yes, Janice is the obvious choice here especially since she's so good with people. At this point, did we really need Garofelo on the show? I keep waiting for her to do something and all she gives me is a "Why won't you save the environment?" sad face staring back at me. 24 could have hired a dog to do the same thing.

Moss' ex isn't the only one getting hit in the face with horrible news. Jonas has called his hot blond lawyer to help him out of a jam, only she gets hit in the face with a paralyzing spray and finds out she's being replaced by someone just as pretty who is taller. Ouch.

The lesson? If you're blond and you wear glasses, you're replaceable. Same goes for people who wear jackets that say "FBI" on the back of them.

"You've left us in a difficult position," says the blond to Jonas while he's behind bars. "In fact, you've put everyone in a difficult position."

(wait, I've seen this porno. And incidentally, it ends the same way with the old guy putting something in his mouth and then having a heart attack)

Apparently Jonus' hijinks were too crazy for the faceless "others" to handle, which has caused them to turn to their precious little "bright spot on a dreary day."

Tony, who's treating most of the FBI with the same respect the Navy SEALS has for Somali pirates (read: none), has somehow concocted an impromptu plan to get the bioweapon into the hands of the his buyers. I say impromptu because if they say Tony planned everything that happened today, I'm calling bullshit right now.

There's no way an undercover counter agent who was secretly a terrorist figured out how to manipulate Underground CTU, an African nation and the White House in one night. And if he did, this better have been plan 143 in a list of plans that started with the alphabet.

Bauer, who can't properly debrief himself yet still thinks he can be helpful in the field, follows Hot Agent Walker to the area where Tony's Special Forces Bad Guy is roaming around with a canister of evil.

Sure Bauer's sick, but even with him firing at 50 percent, he's still better than most of the FBI agents on the field combined, especially since they can't notice a blinking red light in an abandoned building in the dark that may have been making a slight "beep" sound.

They are also fooled easily by a distorted walkie, which allows them to believe Tony's inside man about finding the suspect in the apartment building, as well as the detachable finger trick, which just brings them shame a children's birthday parties.

It may be because the FBI isn't allowed to feel. Hot Agent Walker has turned robotic since word of the Moss death hit her and the Asian FBI again who said "Code Yellow" did it without irony. If only they held more Friday bowling nights to get to know each other better they could feel more human.

Walker: "Don't tell me what to feel or how to feel it." Fine. Be dead inside. Oh and now you want me to save the environment too? Psssft!

In what may be the greatest insult, Tony and his Special (Forces) Friend attempt to fool the FBI with its own blood and rub it all over themselves, partly for disguise and partly because human blood just feels good after it hardens on your clothes. I can't tell you how I know that.

The zombie disguise is good enough to get the friend to the ambulance with the package, but not before Bauer, a man who sufferers from debilitating dementia and who must take a shot of drugs to stop from shaking involuntarily, sees through the bloody faces to the lie.

Why is this? Because, unlike the FBI, Bauer feels emotion and his current mood is Angry Rageful Rage, which is only heightened by the fact that he's paralyzed by dementia and shock now that Tony has walked away with this anti-dementia-shake needles.

And, like most of us last week, Bauer will be pissed he wasted so much time trusting Tony and will want to exact his revenge, Cajun style...which is waterboarding, only people think they are drowning in Tobasco.

Private Armies and the Corporations Who Love Them

24 Season 7 Episode 15
10 p.m. to 11 p.m.


The world is being threatened and from different angles, from bioweapons hidden in metal crates to political douches willing to spray manufactured lies all in the name of dirty sex with a broadcast journalist which, given this economy, will no doubt be filled with elements of shame and sadness (their medium is dying).

However, the biggest threat isn't coming from a White House conspiracy, a corporation with a private army or your uncle's bathroom after he's had two bowls of chili and a bran muffin. The greatest national threat to the country's freedom comes from a weak man with strong sperm.

Carl "I'm just a Port Cop"...Guy unknowingly engaged in terrorism all for some extra cash so that his twins wouldn't have to live with more natural food and less electronics (not poor).

Everyone knows about Carl's plight, thanks to his penchant for performing badly-worded monologues about his crappy life.

"My wife got pregnant. Natural thing in the world right? But it's gonna costs us an arm and a leg..."

Carl probably performed this monologue to the wall in a men's bathroom, allowing him to suddenly be pee pals with "the wrong guy" (AKA: the guy who pees with raised fists in the air as a sign of victory).

"Money troubles friend? How would you like to make five large...whoa! Get off your knees man, not like that."

A decision in the men's bathroom can change your life. For the better. Just ask Larry Craig or George Michael. They're famous now.

For Carl, his shitty monologue (which would have been better served in a horror or Lifetime Presents movie) brought him to the docks with Starkwood, the corporation who just wants to help with their army of drugged-up felons led by a guy who uses metaphors to confuse and creep out his staff.

"They're a bunch of 6-year-olds and need to eat their carrots." Is that because...they are being punished...for not bringing pajamas (the weird metaphor from the week before)? Or has Jonas Voight (I'm completely convinced Voight isn't acting and writing his own lines) been watching too many episodes of House.

And did anyone else want the cane-wielding doctor to show up at the hospital with the first gentlemen to pronounce "Wrong! You are dying! Now look at Cuddy's ass and tell me how awesome it is."

Yes, he's awake, alive and armed with the potential to bore. At least he's happy because his daughter is back at the White House douching all over the place.

"Give Olivia my love. And come over whenever. I'm not going anywhere...plotwise."

Olivia has been leaking since she got into the White House and now has a seat at the presidential table where she will no doubt douche it up all over the floor, table and linens. And with the presidential wet towel now resigning his post, Queen squirt will now have the run of the castle.

Ugh. I feel icky.

Larry probably feels the same way as his feeble brain is putting together the various clues by telling Hot Walker the random things he sees in the dead senator's office.

"Computer. Lamp. Chair. Gun. Paper. Wood. Glass...Tall lamp?"

Hot Walker eventually takes pity on Larry's incoherent blabber and reveals the Starkwood connection along with Jack's building rage.

Since the shooting at Senator Mayer, the Bauer Rage Gage has peaked at badger, one of the angriest of woodland creatures. If he hits pelican, we're all screwed.

Badger Level allows Bauer to infiltrate an area with a large gun and no real plan, the same way a badger creeps around a house in the hopes the wind will blow down a trashcan filled with food.

It also allows Bauer to recruit Carl to work for the Firefight Corporation, which has an army of 10 packed into the military duo of Bauer-Almeida.

Again, this is where Carl's life of mediocrity comes in handy as he tells his sad life of being a father of twins soon and forces Jack to "promise" to protect him. Jack's rage level subsides and lowers to Donkey, the animal of perpetual guilt.

Bauer's down with breaking bones and hearts, but not promises, especially the ones the come out of the mouths of ones made to witless men with no reason to live (though, I just realized we were Janice free tonight, so thanks Carl). (Bauer tortured me by throwing a lamp at my balls, hence the change).

With Carl, the Firefight Corporation is now two and a half men, ready to watch Starkwood and follow them with bioweapon in tow. Carl lives up to his intern status at Firefight, and quickly gets pulled into the inner circle and is eventually led off to the corner of the yard to be shot in the head.

Bauer guilt: rising.

After Bauer saves Carl's life by shooting Bad Guy #10 in the head, he and Tony play the who-can-say-firefight-more-in-one-minute game.

Almeida: Goddammit Jack! Now it's firefight time.

Bauer: Just be ready. We need a large enough firefight to get to the truck.

Almeida: There's 10 people there and it's gonna turn into a firefight.

Bauer: Can't you count? I just shot a dude in the freaking skull. There's only nine....firefight.

As the Firefight Corporation engage Starkwood Corporation (this is called a breakdown in negotiations in the business world), bullets fly hitting cars and chemical weapons. Bauer eventually leaves to Die-Hard the truck (jump and pull driver from) to grab the bioweapon. As he drives, he hums the Firefight Corporation theme song, written and performed by Jimmy Eat World.

While on the road, Bauer calls Larry to tell him about the bioweapon, his new ride and the fact that he left Tony behind. "Screw you" is the Firefight company motto, which is on lease from AIG.

Eventually, the bioweapon beeps and leads Bauer to discover the weapon is leaking its evil out into the world. So to save the random late-night commuters, Bauer holds his breath, turns the valve down and steps outside, just in time for Starkwood to show up with a helicopter to air-lift the weapon off the road the same way the giant claw game at the bowling alley picks the crappiest toy with the hole in it.

This leaves exposed Bauer to "sit tight" on the road as he waits for the CDC to show up to prod him arbitrarily or for the zombie gas to take over his body.

This week's 24 lesson? Never save anyone. Especially those named Carl.

No Trust for Old Men

24 Season 7 Episode 14
9 p.m. to 10 p.m.

A man is dead and Bauer is "At Large," which is a lot like going to the fast food restaurant, picking the worst thing on the menu and then asking them to deep fry it...again.

But this is when he thrives, when the adrenaline is coursing through his veins which allows Bauer to tap into that dark place we all have inside of us when we see a car with an unattended Mac book. We. Must. Have. It. Now.

This is the magic of being "At Large." Nothing fazes you and nothing is impossible. Elbow through the car window? Yes. Having a tender moment with Senator Red Foreman about regrets? Fine.

Emotions are everywhere and before you know it, you find yourself yelling at an old man and then running through a door.

You know what my biggest regret is? Spending too much time on the Pinewood Derby event in the Boy Scouts and not going after the bust-through-a-door merit badge. Once again, 24 has shown me just how much of my life I've wasted.

But at least Bauer is spending quality time with Senator Red and his useless home security system instead of with Jon Voight and his creepy old-man slumber party where people need "pajamas and toothbrushes" because "It's going to be a long night."

Pajamas and toothbrushes is corporate lingo for male rape. It's not torture if they like it. And since it's not torture, the White House can get behind it.

Which is probably the case since there is still this looming conspiracy headed up by Jon "My Name is Jonus" Voight, who I'm fairly certain is acting while under house arrest since he never seems to leave that room.

Like Walker's subconscious love for Bauer, the threat to the White House is real and, like most administrations, the White House is choosing to ignore the emerging possibility of a corporate scandal involving a company called Blackwater Starkwood that has a private army of Bauer clones at its disposal to "secure" anything that "gets in the way."

Instead, the White House does what it does best and declares victory after invading a small country half a world away. Why? Cause it's an "opportunity" to tell the world how awesome we are, just in case they didn't that postcard with Alec Baldwin playing "Masturbator" on the Wii.

While Bauer tries to find "the connection" to a complicated corporate investigation in a matter of minutes, Morris O'Brian is recruited by the FBI to crack some encrypted code from an email. Encrypted code that Janice couldn't crack.

Apparently her only real FBI talent is to release classified information as hallway gossip and to stare people down from across the room with a perpetual face like she just stepped into a shoe with poo and can't decide if actually likes the feel.

(hint: she likes it)

Here's my theory about Janice: she's a walking pile of vomit. And not the fun oh-I-got-drunk-last-night vomit. She's more the I-will-punish-you-for-combining-fried-dough-and-yogurt-in-your-belly variety.

Morris is compelled to help nab Bauer because of his fear of being a single father, especially since his only real parenting skill is telling someone else to "Make sure Preston gets Baboo before bedtime."

The Brit's actions spring Chloe from the FBI's musical-chair time-out room and places Hot Walker in there for being an accessory after the fact and for making Lame Larry look stupid. Which, given his hot streak of poor decisions and misguided instincts, isn't that hard to do.

He is smart enough to warn his team it was "impossible to overestimate Bauer," which I took to mean that if they're fighting Bauer and he turns into a fire-breathing dragon wielding a gun that shoots exploding hammers in their face, they should expect it.

If only they knew about Bauer's Achilles heel: trust.

The world has been made for a person like Bauer to exist and in a rare moment of reflection, Bauer lets his guard down and allows himself to think that maybe the political system that has crapped all over him in the past may be able to finally do some good.

But the endeavor to trust the government is as futile as the girl typing in "stomach fat" into Web MD looking for an answer. The government will never work and stomach fat happens because of your diet of Taco Bell and Krispy Kreme donuts.

The only thing Bauer really trusts are thin connections within a storyline to move along the plot, which has done wondrous things for him in the past.

Once the connection is made, and Senator Red is blasted away, the Bauer Dance of Rage begins with Quinn, which involves an elegant crash through a door, followed by misdirection into a trailer and capped with Bauer using a bulldozer to slam into said trailer. Why? Because it's hilarious.

Just like all of Bauer's dances, this one ends with a screwdriver to the heart with a little extra wood-to-the-chest for good measure. I also would have accepted rock-to-the-crotch and a Gary Busey-esque knifefight.

However, it may be nothing compared to what awaits Bauer with Voight's shipment of bioweapons, which are regular weapons infused with angry biotechnology that will make people sneeze and shit at the same time till they die.

It's called Colon-Blow and it barely passed its clinical trials, which makes them perfect as political teaching instruments that are fundamentally necessary for a country gone awry.

And the person to help Bauer fight these bioweapons? A former terrorist who has wasted the past two hours sitting at a cafe "monitoring the FBI's bandwidth," which is criminal speak for "I'm hitting on the waitress and I want her to think I'm cool."

Tony's back. And he's ready to state the obvious for the audience.

Bizarro World collides with Brokeback Buchanan

24 Season 7 Episode 3 & 4
10 a.m. to 12 p.m.
1.12.09



Somehow, Jack should have known his day would lead to a bunker "not far" from the Metropolitan DC area with wood paneling on the wall and a scruffy Bill Buchanan staring back at him with weepy puppy dog eyes.

The Bauer: I wish I could quit you. But I'm only here because you people are the only ones I trust. The minute you do anything to make me think otherwise, I'm turning you in.

Settle down Jack. All gay cowboys say that at first.

And how did we get here?

Tony's has kidnapped a tech-guy (high school equivalent to the wimpest kid in school) and forced him to make a CIP device that can tear down the country's infrastructure because it can break through a Firewall (hse = making wimpy kid do your homework while you play with his videogames in the next room).

The US can't rebuid the Firewall. They can't even rebuild roads properly.

So now he's' in FBI custody and because Freckles (hot redhead FBI agent) wants to jump Bauer's bones, she pushes to have him interrogate Almeida because "it makes sense."

The interrogation plays out like all of Bauer's reunions with old friends: angry accusations about the last time they hung out, someone says something about Bauer's dead wife, an elbow ends up on someone's neck, and Bauer starts screaming "I will kill you myself and make sure you stay dead" (No one ever really dies unless Bauer kills them).

"Blue sky"

WHAT? There's a safe word for just this type of situation?

At some point, and I'm assuming it occurred during one of the many hostage takeovers at CTU, Tony and Jack came up with a safe word in case one of them was involved in a double secret undercover mission or simply high on Colombian Bam-Bam and needed a ride home.

And out of all the words in the English language they came up with BLUE SKY, which must have taken an extra day of training to figure out how to say it with a straight face (or maybe they were high and listening to Wilco).

From here, the curtain is pulled and we realize we were watching non-bizarro 24 and that DC really is LA and, eventually, a wild animal is going to run free through the streets ( and keep in mind that "wild animal" can also include Kim Bauer).

Operation Blue Sky now involves busting Tony out of FBI custody.

Step 1: Neutralize the hot girl. Don't fight it. Don't...

-Awesome Jack. Say goodbye to sexual tension because now you're just like every other guy at the dive bar on a Saturday night.

Step 2: Hacker Faceoff between Scowlface and Cryface (Garofalo looks like she stubbed her toe five years ago and has been holding in the tears ever since).

-This can only mean the jello-fight is near...seriously, I will be SUPER pissed if Chloe never meets Bizarro Chloe this season. And when it does happen, it better be awesomely awkward. Like I-just-saw-my-dad-naked-and-now-he's-talking-to-me-about-it awkward.
-"Anything is possible if you know what you're doing" is probably on a t-shirt with a picture of a rainbow on it.

Step 3: Break window with fire extinguisher. Jump out.

-How was this not part of the original plan? The parking garage was right there.

Step 4: Get to street

-For Tony, this simply meant jumping out and landing on top of a car in an area completely bereft of any Feds whatsoever. Perhaps some of the CTU drones found their way to the FBI.
-For Jack, this meant hot-wiring a car and busting out of the parking garage on a vehicle of freedom. This will be part of the Jack Bauer Experience ride opening at Disney in 2020.

Step 5: Wait for van

- And not just any van. A bright blue panel van thatmay as well have"The Mystery Machine" painted on the side of it. Apparently CTU Startup has no shame.

CTU Startup is operational thanks to a cable modem, a suped up Mac book and numerous take-out menus. But Bauer is pissed, mostly because he wasn't invited to Tony's Welcome Back party at Chuck E. Cheese, where adults gather to engage in melees with pepper spray.

Brokeback Buchanan, complete with tight turtleneck, tussled white hair and the look of despair in his eyes, has recruited Chloe "I fantasize about Jack while watching him on C-Span" O'Brian. Once they get a dog and "Hang in There" kitty poster, CTU Startup will be complete.

Scowlface: I saw you on C-Span Jack. Can't believe what that senator said about you. You looked good though.

When is Jack going to get it over with and have a night of weird animal sex with Chloe?

This is what sex with Chloe entails. Extra points if you incorporate the bomb.

There's an overreaching conspiracy within the US government and Team Brokeback Buchanan is now determined to bring it down. But in order for Tony to regain his cover, Jack must go along for the ride (hence the aforementioned "I wish I could quit you" moment).

After Bauer beats the shit out of terrorist thugs and plays the recession card ("I need this job! I have nowhere else to go!"), he is accepted and given a proper change of clothes. Oh and there's no such thing as a recession card. Believe me, I tried.

Now that CTU has gone rogue, confusion abounds in the world of 24. Though, in case you get lost in the plot, the president and her adviser are there to rehash the plot for viewers everyone 24 minutes.

Tony's been involved with a group connected with Colonel Ike Dubaku from Sangala, who just made demands and now wants to start blowing shit up. I love this guy.

The demands means Madam President Alison Taylor (MPAT) has to decide between killing unknown Sangalans and tens of thousands of sweet, innocent, delicious American lives. According to MPAT's advisor, American lives are worth more on the public scale of worthiness.

Any downtime in the show as was given to First Husband Henry and his "paranoid quest" to prove his son was murdered, only to find out that he was right. He then sits on a park bench and realizes crazy isn't all that fun when you're right.

The FBI is thoroughly confused since it thought it had a mole (Billy Walsh from Entourage!) and Hot Agent Walker (HAW) is now determined to make this right because the guilt inside of her is just too much for her hot womanly body to bear.

HAW is the Lifetime version of Bauer, which means she only has great power when she's either being mocked or threatened by a man. So after shaming a perfectly good Who-are-you-working-for moment during a hospital interrogation, HAW accepts her Lifetime movie dystany and finds the first penis-looking object in the room (oxygen tube) to squeeze the life out of it (metaphorically, this is what happens in all Lifetime movies).

It works (and like all Lifetime heroines, it gives hope to scorned women everywhere) and leads HAW to the home of the Ambassador of Sangala, who was just at the White House begging for guns (the weakening global economy has affected us all).

It also brings HAW closer to Jack "the lay that got away" Bauer.

Here, Jack, Tony and Emerson (...so the terrorists are all ex-military men. Hmmmm) are attempting to bust through the panic room where the Ambassador has locked himself in.

Emerson tries to get the door open by threatening to put a bullet in someone's head while Jack rages at some drywall with a golf club, which shows how lame walls are when they are not made out of fire and just how off the handle the Bauer has become.

Day 7 begins...in Bizarro World

8 a.m. to 10 a.m.
1.11.09

We've stepped into a new dimension where things appear familiar, save for a slight change. It's the same dimension you experience at high school reunions and when you name the stripper giving you a lapdance after an ex-girlfriend. You've been there before, and it feels wrong.

How different is bizarro 24? The above photo is now irrelevant.

In an effort to forget about the horrible season 6 the same way Rocky fans refrain from mentioning the name Tommy "Machine" Gunn, the show has brought back Tony Almeida, only this time he has more scruff and he likes to play chicken with commercial planes.

Yes, this is now bizarro 24, where things are completely different: Tony is bad, Jack answers questions and the phrase "Muslim terrorist" hasn't been mentioned once.

Oh and Chloe 2.0 is now an emotional Janeane Garofalo who is apparently honoring the character with an out-of-place purple shirt. Same quirky attitude...but with glasses.

But how is Tony back?

"EMTs picked him minutes after you last saw him Jack. Hours later you were in China. You never saw him dead."

That's FBI Agent Walker explaining the plothole with just enough vagueness for people to shrug their shoulders and say "eh, whatever." Her sister, Texas Ranger, would have done a better job, but she's busy teaching karate.

24 is now in Washington DC, which means no more sunglasses, no hot teenagers in revealing clothing and no CTU. Instead we get a suited-up Jack Bauer back from his African vacation to answer questions and endure being called a dumbass from this guy.

But Bauer has no regrets about torture. Nor does he have regrets about the following:

-sneezing after falling asleep in a bread bowl of chili
-going "commando" every day of his life
-buying a copy of "Stop or My Mom Will Shoot"

Oh and you know what else he doesn't regret? Not having a lawyer at his Senate hearing because nothing screams "I'm not crazy" than "What's the first question" with a squint of insanity.

Thankfully, the FBI needs Bauer and interrupt's Red Foreman's Congressional dumbass whipping for a matter of national security (read: they are out of ideas and have now cracked open the seldom-used bathroom suggestion box reserved for such occasions).

Bauer is needed because Tony "The Hoarse Whisperer" Almeida is the new "home-grown" terrorist in the US. Yes, he's the former CTU agent who allegedly died in Season 5 and who has now returned from the dead. Still don't believe it? Peer into Agent Walker's eyes of hotness to free yourself of reason so you can move on.

"Tony's back and I'm corporate hot. Deal with it."

Despite the FBI's overwhelming budget and advanced technology, they don't have the Bauer's "I'm people that know people" skill on the street. This is important because the national firewall is about to get Almeida'd and torn to bits.

Because the firewall protects everything from the power grid to the secret stash of twinkies, a breach in the system can potentially cause massive power outages, stop the production of clean water, and rioting in the street. It's good thing this can't be caused by anything else...right?

What's a firewall? It's a wall made of computer monitors displaying rotating balls of fire. I'm totally kidding. It's not that secure. A real firewall involves bits of code that protect network and internet systems. It's also something that apparently has to be constantly explained.

Homeland Security: "Madam President, the national firewall has been breached."

Rock-throwing Warden from The Shawshank Redemption: "That's a security system for various agencies and infrastructures around the country."

President Allison Taylor with a dropped jaw: "It's just technology! We should be able to just unplug the bastards! ARGH!"

The conduit of fear this season is technology and how this unseen beast rules everything in the world. Sure we want a safer world, but I better be able to update my Facebook status in the process.

Almeida kidnapped the dude who created this far-reaching national firewall and coersed him into making a device to hack it. He did this by threatening the dude with a low whisper, the same type of whisper people use when they discover velociraptors are in the room.

This leads Bauer and Walker to interrogate a tech guy who used to do off-the-book work for CTU. The F. B-following-the-law. I. agent is supposed to follow the law, but that is until she gets a wiff of the intoxicating Bauer Craziness that hits like an Axe-cologne for bored Federal agents who have affairs with their straight-as-an-arrow boss.

Walker: "Jack, you're coming with me and you're doing this my way." I've heard married women say the same thing at Chippendale shows.

Before long the "I'll keep him on a short leash" promise is replaced with the "Do whatever it takes" speech, essentially unleashing the Bauer in the seemingly strict No-Torture-Allowed city of DC, which is as stringent with that rule as most dog parks are about unleashed dogs.

Why does she do this? Because Bauer is the Marly of the counter-terrorism world. He rips sofas of search warrants and shits on lawns of bureaucracy. But you can't help but let him roam free because, at the end of the day, you enjoy the idea of having craziest dog at the park.

Bauer celebrates his freedom to torture by putting away his gun and grabbing the first thing he sees: a pen. Possibly to poke the dude's eye out or draw on his face. I can't decide which is worse.

And we'll never know, since Tony's thugs shoot the dude in the chest before he can give him up, which leads to Bauer speculating there is a mole in the FBI. Predictably, Walker gets pissed at the accusation and puts Bauer in a timeout, which is the same thing you do to a dog who barks too much.

Meanwhile, Tony has used the device to play Air Traffic Control and had two planes "nearly miss" each other on the runway. Nearly miss? Does that sound wrong to anyone else besides me and the late George Carlin?

Air Traffic Control informs the White House, who has its hands full with starting a war to end genocide as well as dealing with a possible crazy First Husband who may or may not be chasing a wild goose chase that his son was murdered.

War Against Genocide in the fictional Sangala = interested because Tony's device is connected with the Mad Men of Sangala

War Against sanity = eh (he thinks his son's former girlfriend was paid off to hide the murder and YAAAAAWWWNN)

Tony's shooter who took out the tech dude Jack was going to blind is now stuck in a building swarming with FBI. One agent finds him, only to reveal he's part of Tony's crew and gives shooter a jacket.

Jack, who just got an "I love your work man" comment from another Fed, gets out of the car and points out shooter because he's wearing different shoes than everyone else. See? In bizarro 24 it's fashion profiling instead of race. This also leads to less frivilous lawsuits in the court of public opinion.

BaWa (Bauer and Walker because now I'm tired and that word makes me laugh) tail shooter back to Tony, who has chosen a boat as his terrorist hideout. Within that boat, he picked the "Pilot House" as his place of refuge.

BaWa apprehend Tony thanks to the flying-bear-hug technique invented by the Ringling Bros, but perfected by the U.S. military. It's especially effective when you throw your gun away as you leap.

As Tony is taken into custody, Bauer stares his friend in the face and utters "What the hell happened to you?"

Here are your list of options from most likely to least likely of what happened to Tony:

-Evil robot: science made him half man, half robot, and all evil
-Grew his beard out, saw his came in the form of Terrorist Scruff and decided to run with it
-Got drunk in the Middle East, woke up a terrorist
-Watched "Die Hard 2" and "The Rock" one too many times and now can't decipher between the films and reality
-Found he was better at scaring people than saving them
-Needed to get paid
-Recruited by circus workers in Utah, woke up a terrorist
-Bought real estate in Sangala and is SUPER pissed about the downturn in the housing market
-Recruited by a secret government agency and working undercover.

Name of agency? UTC. It's bizarro world, remember?

The Bauer Boys

11 am. to Noon
1.29.07

Tempers were running high with The Bauer as global terrorism took a backseat to family strife and Jack had a reunion with a giant that turned out to be his father.

Seriously, what leprechaun did Papa Bauer bang to have two sons that barely come up to his waist? Maybe if he bagged a supermodel or a giraffe Graem wouldn’t have grown up with a Napoleon complex. He’d have hair and a name that wasn’t picked by a cross-eyed gypsy.

Napoleon is so wimpy that Jack breaks him with a plastic bag. That’s it. The same thing that holds used condoms on a Friday night is all Bauer needed to get to his brother. He probably could have just threatened to shart in his face and that would have been enough.

K Hay and Tom Boy were going at it after Palmer 2.0’s speech to the American people. Tom Boy is sick of K Hay butting heads with him all the time and described her as an “obstacle,” which, as I’ve learned from The Amazing Race, means that he sees K Hay as a large dead cow blocking the road to sweet, sweet freedom and a warm bath.

Nevertheless, K Hay fires back with liberal babble like “What are you smoking?” and “Do you want to get in the ring with me?” When Tom Boy blackmailed her into resigning, I’m surprised she didn’t let out the Dean Scream and tear off her shirt.

Instead, as liberals usually are, she was shamed by her past and forced to leave. With her gone, Tom Boy now has the chance to put every brown person in America into a permanent “time-out” as a “preparatory measure.” That’s conservative lingo for “You can just giiiiiittt out.”

K Hay is now headed back to CTU in LA so she can take out her frustration over Tom Boy with Old Man Buchanan and wild monkey sex. Ugh. I’d rather be dead than touch old balls, but that’s me.

Tom Boy had help from his assistant played by Chad Lowe, who is essentially playing himself in the show. He’s the guy, behind the guy, behind the guy who sharted. I can’t wait to see him cry without Hilary Swank provoking him. I know he can do it. I believe in the Lowe even if strange-looking, forgetful women don’t.

The final rumble that rounds out this trifecta of rage belongs to Stache (Milo) and Sexy (girl Muslim working at CTU) fighting off injustice, which is hard since the weapons of injustice are racial profiling and whoopee cushions.

Because Sexy has brown in her, she’s been red-flagged by Homeland Security, which means she can only access her files after saying the Lord’s Prayer three times in a mirror. If a bomb doesn’t go off anywhere in the world, she’s allowed to continue…for now.

Old Man Buchanan: “You knew this would happen when you came here to work.”
Sexy: “But I thought that was only for ugly girls.”
Old Man Buchanan: “Either get back to work or make me a falafel sandwich. Actually, I’ll take a belly dance too.”

Stache defends Sexy by telling the Old Man that she’s a republican. Old Man grunts, mumbles, and tells Stache to go away. Stache keeps Sexy’s red-flagged secret and even allows her to work under his login. He’s opened a door to bang another CTU girl. Well played Stache, well played.

The only person who actually gets physical is Walid, who is working with the government as he tries to see if the other browns in “time-out” are terrorists. He swipes a cell phone from one of the detainees and calls this number: 310.597.3781.

For those that don’t know, that is the number for the 24 Phone. It was revealed during season 4 and legend has it that some people got to talk to cast and crew members when they called. All you get now is a message that the mailbox is full. I hear Kiefer Sutherland calls it drunk all the time and yells about his dad and Christmas trees.

It turns out Walid’s brown detainee friends are nothing but posers and is quickly beaten up when it’s discovered that he was the one who swiped the cell phone. Expect Ghetto Sassy to be extra annoying in the coming weeks as she flexes her liberal muscles and starts to wave her finger as she talks.

As all of this is going on, a British guy is driving all over the LA area with an annoying blonde whore trying to find someone to fix the trigger on the old-school Soviet suitcase bomb that was constructed by scientists trashed on vodka.

For some reason, he can’t find anyone and Bald is getting upset. So is blonde whore, but that’s because whore island, where she’s from, was just blasted by a nuke.

After the bag torture, Napoleon confessed to being somewhat responsible for the nukes in the country. They bought it from a soviet general and those nukes were stolen…or given away as door prizes during Napoleon’s “Terrorism, Bluetooth, Glasses, Yay God!” conference.

Bauer and Napoleon arrive at an office building where a Darrin McCarthy works. The Bauer Brothers are a lot like The Hardy Boys without all the sexual tension. He’s the guy that handled the sale of the nukes…or something. I don’t care. No one died in this episode and I’m bored.

Here is where we finally meet the tall glass of water that is Papa Bauer. He too is looking for McCarthy and is trying to fix Napoleon’s mess. Jack yells at dad. Papa yells back. Napoleon comes back with a gun, sentences them all to death, and instructs his drones to “call me when it’s over.” I say the same thing when someone I know is watching Geraldo At Large.

Not to worry friends. Papa Bauer was the infamous Farmer Hoggett in another life and trained a pig for rescue situations. Sure, the pig has a wooden leg now, but, as Uncle John says, a pig like that, you don’t eat all at once.

Con Air and Straw Dogs

1.15.07
8 a.m. to 10 a.m.

Fortune Magazine is wrong. CTU is the best place to work for. Where else can a former employee get his job back by ignoring direct orders, breaking traffic laws and getting your friend, who happens to be a known terrorist, a full pardon by the president? The only other job that comes close is one as a security guard in a prison, but that’s only if you’re dirty.

The malls of America are getting bombed and Palmer 2.0 is feeling the pressure to get something, anything accomplished that would be a step in the right direction. So far, he’s ignored advice from The Bauer and shown everyone he means business by constantly whispering in a low voice.
When Bald called in demanding that 110 enemy combatants be released and flown out to safety, Palmer 2.0 could only show his anger with a slight whisper and a furrowed brow. If he wants to be half the Palmer his brother was, he’s gonna have to reach down and pull the ghetto out of his gut.

As Palmer made arrangements for Con Air, Bauer and Beard followed a terrorist drone out of the city and because they are losing the camouflage of traffic, Bauer convinced Beard that the only way to continue their pursuit is to call CTU and to compromise a little.

Beard reacted the way any man would when the word “compromise” is uttered in a conversation. He cringed, stared straight ahead with eyeballs of disdain and imagined killing small woodland creatures with a stick. After the last bunny was killed, he agreed to compromise.

Bauer: “Chloe, it’s Jack.”
Scowl Face: “Jack! I never thought I’d hear your voice again.”
Bauer: “I don’t have the time for this Lifetime moment. And besides, I’ve been debriefed about you doing everyone at CTU. Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island?”

Oh you didn’t hear? After the untimely and tragic death of Edgar (I miss that lispy fat man so much), Scowl Face got down with Milo (who is now Stache since I noticed he’s going for the Vincent Price look) but eventually chose Bundy, the ex who is just as good at computers and has a penchant for selling women’s shoes.
And when I say “get down” it means Scowl Face and Stache saw a couple of movies and made-out in the back. Yes, that’s what makes her a whore.

CTU, as always, can’t help Bauer because their entire operation has gone to shit since Bauer left. They can’t stay on top of leads and can’t win the annual charity softball game against Girl Scout Troop 53. It still kicks ass to work there because of the access to weapons and the booze they keep hidden in the walls.

Old Man Buchanan: “DAMMIT People! We have to be better and faster!” –relevant to both anti-terrorism and softball

To improvise, Bauer steals a car by shoving an innocent man away and yelling “Don’t get up.” For some reason, that feels a lot more threatening than “Move and I’ll kill you,” which is what everyone expects. Throwing something like “Don’t Get Up” is just weird and scary. Why can’t we get up? What do you know? And why am I listening to you?

Oh right, you’re Jack fucking Bauer and the entire world is your playpen. My bad.

Bauer takes the stolen white Jeep Cherokee (That guy was a wuss. No wonder he didn’t get up. He’s probably still there, crying over his stolen piece of crap car that does nothing but drive its passengers into trees) and rams it into the terrorist drone with Beard following closely behind.
The drone leaves the car and is faced with enraged Bauer who yells “What’s wrong with you people” and “Screw You!” After that, he runs away, allowing Beard to offer a ride to his minority brother, which is what all minorities do after they’ve been berated by a white guy. That and bomb his country.

Beard keeps his cell phone on, which allows Bauer and CTU to listen in on the conversation so that they can track his location. Bauer is picked up by Curtis who is visibly ticked off that Beard is now helping them and even more ticked off that Bauer seems to be fine with it.
This is the trigger we’ve all been waiting for, the one that turns the soft-spoken Curtis who likes to say “I’m going on record and saying I don’t agree with this” to the angst-filled Hulk that he is now. He’s not rational anymore. He’s filled with the fury of memories and fueled with power bars of rage.

Drone ends up at a storage facility and unlocks the container that is full of C4, a laptop and some other boxes labeled “Don’t Shoot.”
CTU advances on the Drone and shoots a bunch of C4 boxes. Drone, knowing his fate, throws a grenade and blows up everything. Part of the laptop survived and revealed that Bald has something called a “Suitcase Nuke,” which is compact and portable nuclear weapon.
The particular one that Bald has was the last one made by the Russians, which means if he sets it off, he and his crew get a free case of Vodka and an old Russian spy who is available on the weekends for freelance work.

Other things that should come in suitcase shapes
-sandwiches
-gum
-HD televisions
-cars

Meanwhile in Suburbia...

Kumar needs to get high. So high that he forgets about the massive cut in his thigh and that he befriended the wimpy kid across the street. Because of his injury, he can’t drop the package off to Bald and forces Suburban Dad to do it instead.
While he’s holding Wife and Gay hostage, Kumar, like all potheads eventually will, requests stronger drugs to dull the pain. Wife gives up her stash of painkillers in the kitchen (which is probably what she uses to get through suburbia) and Kumar sends Gay to get it.
Gay comes back with the pills, water and a knife stashed in his back pocket, though, like all nerds his age, he’s too bashful to do anything.

Suburban Dad gets the package (which turns out to be cash) to the place and is told he needs an extra 50 large for the device. There is no more money so, after a call to Kumar proves useless, Suburban Dad turns into Straw Dog (It’s when a quiet man goes on a rampage. See the movie of the same name and witness the infamous and long rape scene), beats the ever living shit out of the guy and steals the device.
Straw Dog also gets his wife sprung after calling Kumar. The two of them, unnaturally calm for their first stint in international terrorism, decide not to involve the police. Wife, as all women do, agrees at first and then does the opposite five seconds later. Bauer and Hulk are now en route thanks to her call.

O Valencia!

The terrorists should have just shoved the device in an Amazon.com box and had UPS ship it. It would have gotten their faster and with a smile.

Instead, Bald has to deal with Straw Dog, who is pleading for Bald to call Kumar so that his son can be let go. He does call Kumar, but tells him to kill the boy. Kumar is conflicted. Apparently the pain killer he took gave him feelings.

Had he taken the Bristol-Myers Squibb pill called “Kiltiva” he’d be able to blast that kid right in the heart. (BMS is also working on a pill called “Instafuc” which allows corporations to issue out massive layoffs with no regard for human decency or morals).

Just as Kumar gets the stones to fire the gun, CTU shows up banging down doors. Kumar is flushed out the front door where a waiting Bauer aims his gun and watches a trigger-happy CTU drone shoot Kumar to the ground. Luckily, Gay heard the address for the device, so all is not lost. Though Kumar is gone, which means the Taj and Van Wilder jokes I was saving won’t be relevant anymore.

The address in Valencia is a great lead, but the White House is dealing with more problems. Apparently Con Air was meant as a distraction to spring Numair, the only one who can make the Suitcase Bomb operational. He’s also a great Scrabble player, which is an added bonus for the terrorists.
Palmer 2.0 also has to deal with sister Sassy whose boyfriend was detained in a detention camp after she erased files from at the Islamic-American Alliance office where spits out her liberal lawyer speeches daily.

Sassy’s BF, Walid, is thrown into a detention center which is a lot like high school. People order you around and if you step out of line, you get hit in the side with a baton (I went to Catholic school. That shit happened).

Outside Walid overhears Arabic phrases and relays them to Sassy who is adamant that everyone inside is an innocent person held against their will. However, she promises to ask the FBI about the phrase.

After a meeting with advisors, Palmer 2.0 decides to hand over the entire “save the country” operation to Bauer and Beard, which only enrages the Hulk. Apparently a couple of years ago, some of Hulk’s men were captured and beheaded by Beard’s lieutenant. That’s when Hulk pushed all his emotions down and they haven’t resurfaced…till now.

With Beard’s cooperation, Palmer 2.0 offers a presidential pardon, making Beard’s move of switching teams official.

Hulk gets madder and escorts Beard to the van only to throw him up against it with a gun to the head. Bauer yells at Hulk to put the gun down. Hulk yells some more and then Bauer, who tires of words easily, shoots him in the neck.

Old Man Buchanan calls Bauer seconds later to say that it was cool that he killed Curtis and that no one liked him that much anyway. Bauer cries, pukes and hugs a tree, which is the expected reaction after killing one’s colleague or having too much gin during poker night.

Jack weeps and says he wants out. He wants to go home, shower and start getting the stale taste of leftover Chinese food out of his mouth by eating $50 worth in White Castle meals (hmmm sliders and fries. Why the HELL don’t I have a White Castle in my town?)

Back in Valencia, the CTU tactical team find the bomb shelter and is ready to take all the terrorists down. Unfortunately Numair has finished the bomb and since CTU can only hit boxes with bullets, Numair has enough time to press the colorful “on” button, detonating the suitcase bomb. Aside from Straw Dog yelling “NOOOOOOooooooooo!” nothing is heard except for the nuclear blast.

YES. A nuke has been detonated on prime time television…which means the zombie invasion and inevitable takeover is only a few hours away. I will be embracing my zombie brothers and sisters with open arms and a buffet table filled with American Idol rejects. You should do likewise friend because there are four more “visitors” out there.