11 am. to Noon
1.29.07
Tempers were running high with The Bauer as global terrorism took a backseat to family strife and Jack had a reunion with a giant that turned out to be his father.
Seriously, what leprechaun did Papa Bauer bang to have two sons that barely come up to his waist? Maybe if he bagged a supermodel or a giraffe Graem wouldn’t have grown up with a Napoleon complex. He’d have hair and a name that wasn’t picked by a cross-eyed gypsy.
Napoleon is so wimpy that Jack breaks him with a plastic bag. That’s it. The same thing that holds used condoms on a Friday night is all Bauer needed to get to his brother. He probably could have just threatened to shart in his face and that would have been enough.
K Hay and Tom Boy were going at it after Palmer 2.0’s speech to the American people. Tom Boy is sick of K Hay butting heads with him all the time and described her as an “obstacle,” which, as I’ve learned from The Amazing Race, means that he sees K Hay as a large dead cow blocking the road to sweet, sweet freedom and a warm bath.
Nevertheless, K Hay fires back with liberal babble like “What are you smoking?” and “Do you want to get in the ring with me?” When Tom Boy blackmailed her into resigning, I’m surprised she didn’t let out the Dean Scream and tear off her shirt.
Instead, as liberals usually are, she was shamed by her past and forced to leave. With her gone, Tom Boy now has the chance to put every brown person in America into a permanent “time-out” as a “preparatory measure.” That’s conservative lingo for “You can just giiiiiittt out.”
K Hay is now headed back to CTU in LA so she can take out her frustration over Tom Boy with Old Man Buchanan and wild monkey sex. Ugh. I’d rather be dead than touch old balls, but that’s me.
Tom Boy had help from his assistant played by Chad Lowe, who is essentially playing himself in the show. He’s the guy, behind the guy, behind the guy who sharted. I can’t wait to see him cry without Hilary Swank provoking him. I know he can do it. I believe in the Lowe even if strange-looking, forgetful women don’t.
The final rumble that rounds out this trifecta of rage belongs to Stache (Milo) and Sexy (girl Muslim working at CTU) fighting off injustice, which is hard since the weapons of injustice are racial profiling and whoopee cushions.
Because Sexy has brown in her, she’s been red-flagged by Homeland Security, which means she can only access her files after saying the Lord’s Prayer three times in a mirror. If a bomb doesn’t go off anywhere in the world, she’s allowed to continue…for now.
Old Man Buchanan: “You knew this would happen when you came here to work.”
Sexy: “But I thought that was only for ugly girls.”
Old Man Buchanan: “Either get back to work or make me a falafel sandwich. Actually, I’ll take a belly dance too.”
Stache defends Sexy by telling the Old Man that she’s a republican. Old Man grunts, mumbles, and tells Stache to go away. Stache keeps Sexy’s red-flagged secret and even allows her to work under his login. He’s opened a door to bang another CTU girl. Well played Stache, well played.
The only person who actually gets physical is Walid, who is working with the government as he tries to see if the other browns in “time-out” are terrorists. He swipes a cell phone from one of the detainees and calls this number: 310.597.3781.
For those that don’t know, that is the number for the 24 Phone. It was revealed during season 4 and legend has it that some people got to talk to cast and crew members when they called. All you get now is a message that the mailbox is full. I hear Kiefer Sutherland calls it drunk all the time and yells about his dad and Christmas trees.
It turns out Walid’s brown detainee friends are nothing but posers and is quickly beaten up when it’s discovered that he was the one who swiped the cell phone. Expect Ghetto Sassy to be extra annoying in the coming weeks as she flexes her liberal muscles and starts to wave her finger as she talks.
As all of this is going on, a British guy is driving all over the LA area with an annoying blonde whore trying to find someone to fix the trigger on the old-school Soviet suitcase bomb that was constructed by scientists trashed on vodka.
For some reason, he can’t find anyone and Bald is getting upset. So is blonde whore, but that’s because whore island, where she’s from, was just blasted by a nuke.
After the bag torture, Napoleon confessed to being somewhat responsible for the nukes in the country. They bought it from a soviet general and those nukes were stolen…or given away as door prizes during Napoleon’s “Terrorism, Bluetooth, Glasses, Yay God!” conference.
Bauer and Napoleon arrive at an office building where a Darrin McCarthy works. The Bauer Brothers are a lot like The Hardy Boys without all the sexual tension. He’s the guy that handled the sale of the nukes…or something. I don’t care. No one died in this episode and I’m bored.
Here is where we finally meet the tall glass of water that is Papa Bauer. He too is looking for McCarthy and is trying to fix Napoleon’s mess. Jack yells at dad. Papa yells back. Napoleon comes back with a gun, sentences them all to death, and instructs his drones to “call me when it’s over.” I say the same thing when someone I know is watching Geraldo At Large.
Not to worry friends. Papa Bauer was the infamous Farmer Hoggett in another life and trained a pig for rescue situations. Sure, the pig has a wooden leg now, but, as Uncle John says, a pig like that, you don’t eat all at once.
1.30.2007
1.23.2007
The Language of Force
1.22.07
10 a.m. to 11 a.m.
So everyone is freaking out because a nuclear bomb has exploded in LA and there are four more of these things roaming around and JACK HAS A BROTHER? And he’s dorky looking??
Graham (Bad Bauer), the evil bald white guy from last season, was revealed to be Jack’s brother. Even more distressing than that was the fact that Bad Bauer nailed such a hot looking wife, a wife who is apparently Bauer’s sloppy seconds and the hot crippled wife from Heroes.
It’s been a long time since Jack has seen his brother, so he’s going to make up for lost time by playing one if his favorite games: torture. I was hoping for something with the lamp again, but instead we got the classic plastic bag over the head. Ah, those Bauer boys, always trying to kill each other.
Here’s what a typical Saturday was like in the Bauer household when the brothers were younger.
Bauer: “Gray, I know you took my cookies. Just tell me why.
Gray: “But I didn’t. I was just…why do you have a wrench?”
Bauer: “I don’t want to hurt you, but I will if you don’t cooperate. Now. WHERE ARE MY COOKIES!”
Gray: “Mom!!!”
Bauer: “Your mother can’t help you now!” (whap!) “WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!”
Having Jack Bauer as brother must have been awesome with the impromptu interrogations, his intense secrecy, and random punches to the face. And let’s not forget the constant criticisms like “Jack wouldn’t have eaten his peas like that” or “Training wheels huh? Jack just hotwired a car.”
As always, Jack doesn’t have time for family or explanations. He needs to find his father, mostly because the psychiatry help CTU offered in the past did little to quell his daddy issues. That and papa Bauer may have had a drink or two with a known terrorist.
If it wasn’t for that bomb, Bauer would have gone home, rented the final season of Will & Grace. Instead, he’s having a family reunion and being forced to talk to his estranged father. The rest of the world calls this “Sunday dinner.”
Bauer’s gotta be pissed. Had he made a decade the national “I hate my dad” organization would have given him a set of steak knives because the thing disgruntled sons need the most are more weapons.
Old Man Buchanan was skeptical of Beard’s cooperation, despite him giving up all his evil brown friends at CTU. The Old Man even gave Beard a cold greeting by refusing to shake his hand. That was foolish. You can tell a lot from a handshake. If it’s firm, they’re good. If it’s wet, they’re weird. If they only shake your pinky finger, kill them immediately. You’ll be doing the government, and society, a favor.
Quote of the Night: “Why does everyone I know keep dying?” –Scowl Face
Who else says that: old people and high school students
K Hay talked weird in the phone. Maybe the radiation already has her.
The Buch: Hello?
K Hay: Are you. Ok.
The Buch: God. Do you have to talk like a lost ten-year-old boy all the time?
K Hay: We’re in the. Bunker now. Is there anything new on. Your. End. (pause. Then says “End” again, but lightens her voice so he knows it’s a question).
The Buch: I’m going to torture you with a lamp later.
The White House is understandably disheveled. They are in the bunker, a place where politicians hide from the world and debate about speeches. This time it was whether or not to put the phrase “nuclear bomb” in a presidential speech, much like the time Clinton wondered if he should refrain from saying “Blow me” and “Hmmm tastes good” in public after the Lewinsky incident.
The speech has to be good because people are running manically in the street, the same way movie theater patrons lose it when they see the name “Daniel Baldwin” or “Jimmy Fallon” on the screen.
According to one admiral, the only thing left to do is use the “language of force” and, with said language, have a conversation with every nation on the planet that lives in the sand. I did pretty poorly in my “language of force” class in college, but here’s what I remember.
Punches and kicks mean “How’s it going?”
Bullet to the shoulder means “Don’t look at my sister.”
Bullet to the heart means “I dislike your existence greatly.”
Flaming bag of poo means “You’re my best friend.”
Nuclear Bomb means “We have to talk.”
Walid, the only brown guy who isn’t a terrorist on this show, is placing himself in the circle of his terrorist brothers who are being held in a detention center. After a mock beat-up, Walid is given a wire and told to be a snitch. Since all brown people are natural terrorists, Walid slides in nicely. Sassy is pissed about everything (it must be that time of the month). She’s going to ruin everything, I can feel it. And then I’ll add “liberal lawyers” to the ever-growing list of people this show 24 has taught me to hate. Here’s what I have so far:
-Muslims
-Asians
-Bald white men
-cheerleaders
-cougars
Though there are four more Suitcase Bombs in Bald’s possession, he doesn’t have the special device to program them. And since all the programmers he knows are either dead or useless, he’s reduced to spreading terror by running over children in a red minivan. Until his contact can find someone who can replicate a device made by drunk Russians during the Cold War.
Road rage isn’t as effective as a nuke, but it’s just as scary. No one likes a crazy driver behind a minivan…especially if he’s brown.
10 a.m. to 11 a.m.
So everyone is freaking out because a nuclear bomb has exploded in LA and there are four more of these things roaming around and JACK HAS A BROTHER? And he’s dorky looking??
Graham (Bad Bauer), the evil bald white guy from last season, was revealed to be Jack’s brother. Even more distressing than that was the fact that Bad Bauer nailed such a hot looking wife, a wife who is apparently Bauer’s sloppy seconds and the hot crippled wife from Heroes.
It’s been a long time since Jack has seen his brother, so he’s going to make up for lost time by playing one if his favorite games: torture. I was hoping for something with the lamp again, but instead we got the classic plastic bag over the head. Ah, those Bauer boys, always trying to kill each other.
Here’s what a typical Saturday was like in the Bauer household when the brothers were younger.
Bauer: “Gray, I know you took my cookies. Just tell me why.
Gray: “But I didn’t. I was just…why do you have a wrench?”
Bauer: “I don’t want to hurt you, but I will if you don’t cooperate. Now. WHERE ARE MY COOKIES!”
Gray: “Mom!!!”
Bauer: “Your mother can’t help you now!” (whap!) “WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!”
Having Jack Bauer as brother must have been awesome with the impromptu interrogations, his intense secrecy, and random punches to the face. And let’s not forget the constant criticisms like “Jack wouldn’t have eaten his peas like that” or “Training wheels huh? Jack just hotwired a car.”
As always, Jack doesn’t have time for family or explanations. He needs to find his father, mostly because the psychiatry help CTU offered in the past did little to quell his daddy issues. That and papa Bauer may have had a drink or two with a known terrorist.
If it wasn’t for that bomb, Bauer would have gone home, rented the final season of Will & Grace. Instead, he’s having a family reunion and being forced to talk to his estranged father. The rest of the world calls this “Sunday dinner.”
Bauer’s gotta be pissed. Had he made a decade the national “I hate my dad” organization would have given him a set of steak knives because the thing disgruntled sons need the most are more weapons.
Old Man Buchanan was skeptical of Beard’s cooperation, despite him giving up all his evil brown friends at CTU. The Old Man even gave Beard a cold greeting by refusing to shake his hand. That was foolish. You can tell a lot from a handshake. If it’s firm, they’re good. If it’s wet, they’re weird. If they only shake your pinky finger, kill them immediately. You’ll be doing the government, and society, a favor.
Quote of the Night: “Why does everyone I know keep dying?” –Scowl Face
Who else says that: old people and high school students
K Hay talked weird in the phone. Maybe the radiation already has her.
The Buch: Hello?
K Hay: Are you. Ok.
The Buch: God. Do you have to talk like a lost ten-year-old boy all the time?
K Hay: We’re in the. Bunker now. Is there anything new on. Your. End. (pause. Then says “End” again, but lightens her voice so he knows it’s a question).
The Buch: I’m going to torture you with a lamp later.
The White House is understandably disheveled. They are in the bunker, a place where politicians hide from the world and debate about speeches. This time it was whether or not to put the phrase “nuclear bomb” in a presidential speech, much like the time Clinton wondered if he should refrain from saying “Blow me” and “Hmmm tastes good” in public after the Lewinsky incident.
The speech has to be good because people are running manically in the street, the same way movie theater patrons lose it when they see the name “Daniel Baldwin” or “Jimmy Fallon” on the screen.
According to one admiral, the only thing left to do is use the “language of force” and, with said language, have a conversation with every nation on the planet that lives in the sand. I did pretty poorly in my “language of force” class in college, but here’s what I remember.
Punches and kicks mean “How’s it going?”
Bullet to the shoulder means “Don’t look at my sister.”
Bullet to the heart means “I dislike your existence greatly.”
Flaming bag of poo means “You’re my best friend.”
Nuclear Bomb means “We have to talk.”
Walid, the only brown guy who isn’t a terrorist on this show, is placing himself in the circle of his terrorist brothers who are being held in a detention center. After a mock beat-up, Walid is given a wire and told to be a snitch. Since all brown people are natural terrorists, Walid slides in nicely. Sassy is pissed about everything (it must be that time of the month). She’s going to ruin everything, I can feel it. And then I’ll add “liberal lawyers” to the ever-growing list of people this show 24 has taught me to hate. Here’s what I have so far:
-Muslims
-Asians
-Bald white men
-cheerleaders
-cougars
Though there are four more Suitcase Bombs in Bald’s possession, he doesn’t have the special device to program them. And since all the programmers he knows are either dead or useless, he’s reduced to spreading terror by running over children in a red minivan. Until his contact can find someone who can replicate a device made by drunk Russians during the Cold War.
Road rage isn’t as effective as a nuke, but it’s just as scary. No one likes a crazy driver behind a minivan…especially if he’s brown.
1.16.2007
Con Air and Straw Dogs
1.15.07
8 a.m. to 10 a.m.
Fortune Magazine is wrong. CTU is the best place to work for. Where else can a former employee get his job back by ignoring direct orders, breaking traffic laws and getting your friend, who happens to be a known terrorist, a full pardon by the president? The only other job that comes close is one as a security guard in a prison, but that’s only if you’re dirty.
The malls of America are getting bombed and Palmer 2.0 is feeling the pressure to get something, anything accomplished that would be a step in the right direction. So far, he’s ignored advice from The Bauer and shown everyone he means business by constantly whispering in a low voice.
When Bald called in demanding that 110 enemy combatants be released and flown out to safety, Palmer 2.0 could only show his anger with a slight whisper and a furrowed brow. If he wants to be half the Palmer his brother was, he’s gonna have to reach down and pull the ghetto out of his gut.
As Palmer made arrangements for Con Air, Bauer and Beard followed a terrorist drone out of the city and because they are losing the camouflage of traffic, Bauer convinced Beard that the only way to continue their pursuit is to call CTU and to compromise a little.
Beard reacted the way any man would when the word “compromise” is uttered in a conversation. He cringed, stared straight ahead with eyeballs of disdain and imagined killing small woodland creatures with a stick. After the last bunny was killed, he agreed to compromise.
Bauer: “Chloe, it’s Jack.”
Scowl Face: “Jack! I never thought I’d hear your voice again.”
Bauer: “I don’t have the time for this Lifetime moment. And besides, I’ve been debriefed about you doing everyone at CTU. Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island?”
Oh you didn’t hear? After the untimely and tragic death of Edgar (I miss that lispy fat man so much), Scowl Face got down with Milo (who is now Stache since I noticed he’s going for the Vincent Price look) but eventually chose Bundy, the ex who is just as good at computers and has a penchant for selling women’s shoes.
And when I say “get down” it means Scowl Face and Stache saw a couple of movies and made-out in the back. Yes, that’s what makes her a whore.
CTU, as always, can’t help Bauer because their entire operation has gone to shit since Bauer left. They can’t stay on top of leads and can’t win the annual charity softball game against Girl Scout Troop 53. It still kicks ass to work there because of the access to weapons and the booze they keep hidden in the walls.
Old Man Buchanan: “DAMMIT People! We have to be better and faster!” –relevant to both anti-terrorism and softball
To improvise, Bauer steals a car by shoving an innocent man away and yelling “Don’t get up.” For some reason, that feels a lot more threatening than “Move and I’ll kill you,” which is what everyone expects. Throwing something like “Don’t Get Up” is just weird and scary. Why can’t we get up? What do you know? And why am I listening to you?
Oh right, you’re Jack fucking Bauer and the entire world is your playpen. My bad.
Bauer takes the stolen white Jeep Cherokee (That guy was a wuss. No wonder he didn’t get up. He’s probably still there, crying over his stolen piece of crap car that does nothing but drive its passengers into trees) and rams it into the terrorist drone with Beard following closely behind.
The drone leaves the car and is faced with enraged Bauer who yells “What’s wrong with you people” and “Screw You!” After that, he runs away, allowing Beard to offer a ride to his minority brother, which is what all minorities do after they’ve been berated by a white guy. That and bomb his country.
Beard keeps his cell phone on, which allows Bauer and CTU to listen in on the conversation so that they can track his location. Bauer is picked up by Curtis who is visibly ticked off that Beard is now helping them and even more ticked off that Bauer seems to be fine with it.
This is the trigger we’ve all been waiting for, the one that turns the soft-spoken Curtis who likes to say “I’m going on record and saying I don’t agree with this” to the angst-filled Hulk that he is now. He’s not rational anymore. He’s filled with the fury of memories and fueled with power bars of rage.
Drone ends up at a storage facility and unlocks the container that is full of C4, a laptop and some other boxes labeled “Don’t Shoot.”
CTU advances on the Drone and shoots a bunch of C4 boxes. Drone, knowing his fate, throws a grenade and blows up everything. Part of the laptop survived and revealed that Bald has something called a “Suitcase Nuke,” which is compact and portable nuclear weapon.
The particular one that Bald has was the last one made by the Russians, which means if he sets it off, he and his crew get a free case of Vodka and an old Russian spy who is available on the weekends for freelance work.
Other things that should come in suitcase shapes
-sandwiches
-gum
-HD televisions
-cars
Meanwhile in Suburbia...
Kumar needs to get high. So high that he forgets about the massive cut in his thigh and that he befriended the wimpy kid across the street. Because of his injury, he can’t drop the package off to Bald and forces Suburban Dad to do it instead.
While he’s holding Wife and Gay hostage, Kumar, like all potheads eventually will, requests stronger drugs to dull the pain. Wife gives up her stash of painkillers in the kitchen (which is probably what she uses to get through suburbia) and Kumar sends Gay to get it.
Gay comes back with the pills, water and a knife stashed in his back pocket, though, like all nerds his age, he’s too bashful to do anything.
Suburban Dad gets the package (which turns out to be cash) to the place and is told he needs an extra 50 large for the device. There is no more money so, after a call to Kumar proves useless, Suburban Dad turns into Straw Dog (It’s when a quiet man goes on a rampage. See the movie of the same name and witness the infamous and long rape scene), beats the ever living shit out of the guy and steals the device.
Straw Dog also gets his wife sprung after calling Kumar. The two of them, unnaturally calm for their first stint in international terrorism, decide not to involve the police. Wife, as all women do, agrees at first and then does the opposite five seconds later. Bauer and Hulk are now en route thanks to her call.
O Valencia!
The terrorists should have just shoved the device in an Amazon.com box and had UPS ship it. It would have gotten their faster and with a smile.
Instead, Bald has to deal with Straw Dog, who is pleading for Bald to call Kumar so that his son can be let go. He does call Kumar, but tells him to kill the boy. Kumar is conflicted. Apparently the pain killer he took gave him feelings.
Had he taken the Bristol-Myers Squibb pill called “Kiltiva” he’d be able to blast that kid right in the heart. (BMS is also working on a pill called “Instafuc” which allows corporations to issue out massive layoffs with no regard for human decency or morals).
Just as Kumar gets the stones to fire the gun, CTU shows up banging down doors. Kumar is flushed out the front door where a waiting Bauer aims his gun and watches a trigger-happy CTU drone shoot Kumar to the ground. Luckily, Gay heard the address for the device, so all is not lost. Though Kumar is gone, which means the Taj and Van Wilder jokes I was saving won’t be relevant anymore.
The address in Valencia is a great lead, but the White House is dealing with more problems. Apparently Con Air was meant as a distraction to spring Numair, the only one who can make the Suitcase Bomb operational. He’s also a great Scrabble player, which is an added bonus for the terrorists.
Palmer 2.0 also has to deal with sister Sassy whose boyfriend was detained in a detention camp after she erased files from at the Islamic-American Alliance office where spits out her liberal lawyer speeches daily.
Sassy’s BF, Walid, is thrown into a detention center which is a lot like high school. People order you around and if you step out of line, you get hit in the side with a baton (I went to Catholic school. That shit happened).
Outside Walid overhears Arabic phrases and relays them to Sassy who is adamant that everyone inside is an innocent person held against their will. However, she promises to ask the FBI about the phrase.
After a meeting with advisors, Palmer 2.0 decides to hand over the entire “save the country” operation to Bauer and Beard, which only enrages the Hulk. Apparently a couple of years ago, some of Hulk’s men were captured and beheaded by Beard’s lieutenant. That’s when Hulk pushed all his emotions down and they haven’t resurfaced…till now.
With Beard’s cooperation, Palmer 2.0 offers a presidential pardon, making Beard’s move of switching teams official.
Hulk gets madder and escorts Beard to the van only to throw him up against it with a gun to the head. Bauer yells at Hulk to put the gun down. Hulk yells some more and then Bauer, who tires of words easily, shoots him in the neck.
Old Man Buchanan calls Bauer seconds later to say that it was cool that he killed Curtis and that no one liked him that much anyway. Bauer cries, pukes and hugs a tree, which is the expected reaction after killing one’s colleague or having too much gin during poker night.
Jack weeps and says he wants out. He wants to go home, shower and start getting the stale taste of leftover Chinese food out of his mouth by eating $50 worth in White Castle meals (hmmm sliders and fries. Why the HELL don’t I have a White Castle in my town?)
Back in Valencia, the CTU tactical team find the bomb shelter and is ready to take all the terrorists down. Unfortunately Numair has finished the bomb and since CTU can only hit boxes with bullets, Numair has enough time to press the colorful “on” button, detonating the suitcase bomb. Aside from Straw Dog yelling “NOOOOOOooooooooo!” nothing is heard except for the nuclear blast.
YES. A nuke has been detonated on prime time television…which means the zombie invasion and inevitable takeover is only a few hours away. I will be embracing my zombie brothers and sisters with open arms and a buffet table filled with American Idol rejects. You should do likewise friend because there are four more “visitors” out there.
8 a.m. to 10 a.m.
Fortune Magazine is wrong. CTU is the best place to work for. Where else can a former employee get his job back by ignoring direct orders, breaking traffic laws and getting your friend, who happens to be a known terrorist, a full pardon by the president? The only other job that comes close is one as a security guard in a prison, but that’s only if you’re dirty.
The malls of America are getting bombed and Palmer 2.0 is feeling the pressure to get something, anything accomplished that would be a step in the right direction. So far, he’s ignored advice from The Bauer and shown everyone he means business by constantly whispering in a low voice.
When Bald called in demanding that 110 enemy combatants be released and flown out to safety, Palmer 2.0 could only show his anger with a slight whisper and a furrowed brow. If he wants to be half the Palmer his brother was, he’s gonna have to reach down and pull the ghetto out of his gut.
As Palmer made arrangements for Con Air, Bauer and Beard followed a terrorist drone out of the city and because they are losing the camouflage of traffic, Bauer convinced Beard that the only way to continue their pursuit is to call CTU and to compromise a little.
Beard reacted the way any man would when the word “compromise” is uttered in a conversation. He cringed, stared straight ahead with eyeballs of disdain and imagined killing small woodland creatures with a stick. After the last bunny was killed, he agreed to compromise.
Bauer: “Chloe, it’s Jack.”
Scowl Face: “Jack! I never thought I’d hear your voice again.”
Bauer: “I don’t have the time for this Lifetime moment. And besides, I’ve been debriefed about you doing everyone at CTU. Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island?”
Oh you didn’t hear? After the untimely and tragic death of Edgar (I miss that lispy fat man so much), Scowl Face got down with Milo (who is now Stache since I noticed he’s going for the Vincent Price look) but eventually chose Bundy, the ex who is just as good at computers and has a penchant for selling women’s shoes.
And when I say “get down” it means Scowl Face and Stache saw a couple of movies and made-out in the back. Yes, that’s what makes her a whore.
CTU, as always, can’t help Bauer because their entire operation has gone to shit since Bauer left. They can’t stay on top of leads and can’t win the annual charity softball game against Girl Scout Troop 53. It still kicks ass to work there because of the access to weapons and the booze they keep hidden in the walls.
Old Man Buchanan: “DAMMIT People! We have to be better and faster!” –relevant to both anti-terrorism and softball
To improvise, Bauer steals a car by shoving an innocent man away and yelling “Don’t get up.” For some reason, that feels a lot more threatening than “Move and I’ll kill you,” which is what everyone expects. Throwing something like “Don’t Get Up” is just weird and scary. Why can’t we get up? What do you know? And why am I listening to you?
Oh right, you’re Jack fucking Bauer and the entire world is your playpen. My bad.
Bauer takes the stolen white Jeep Cherokee (That guy was a wuss. No wonder he didn’t get up. He’s probably still there, crying over his stolen piece of crap car that does nothing but drive its passengers into trees) and rams it into the terrorist drone with Beard following closely behind.
The drone leaves the car and is faced with enraged Bauer who yells “What’s wrong with you people” and “Screw You!” After that, he runs away, allowing Beard to offer a ride to his minority brother, which is what all minorities do after they’ve been berated by a white guy. That and bomb his country.
Beard keeps his cell phone on, which allows Bauer and CTU to listen in on the conversation so that they can track his location. Bauer is picked up by Curtis who is visibly ticked off that Beard is now helping them and even more ticked off that Bauer seems to be fine with it.
This is the trigger we’ve all been waiting for, the one that turns the soft-spoken Curtis who likes to say “I’m going on record and saying I don’t agree with this” to the angst-filled Hulk that he is now. He’s not rational anymore. He’s filled with the fury of memories and fueled with power bars of rage.
Drone ends up at a storage facility and unlocks the container that is full of C4, a laptop and some other boxes labeled “Don’t Shoot.”
CTU advances on the Drone and shoots a bunch of C4 boxes. Drone, knowing his fate, throws a grenade and blows up everything. Part of the laptop survived and revealed that Bald has something called a “Suitcase Nuke,” which is compact and portable nuclear weapon.
The particular one that Bald has was the last one made by the Russians, which means if he sets it off, he and his crew get a free case of Vodka and an old Russian spy who is available on the weekends for freelance work.
Other things that should come in suitcase shapes
-sandwiches
-gum
-HD televisions
-cars
Meanwhile in Suburbia...
Kumar needs to get high. So high that he forgets about the massive cut in his thigh and that he befriended the wimpy kid across the street. Because of his injury, he can’t drop the package off to Bald and forces Suburban Dad to do it instead.
While he’s holding Wife and Gay hostage, Kumar, like all potheads eventually will, requests stronger drugs to dull the pain. Wife gives up her stash of painkillers in the kitchen (which is probably what she uses to get through suburbia) and Kumar sends Gay to get it.
Gay comes back with the pills, water and a knife stashed in his back pocket, though, like all nerds his age, he’s too bashful to do anything.
Suburban Dad gets the package (which turns out to be cash) to the place and is told he needs an extra 50 large for the device. There is no more money so, after a call to Kumar proves useless, Suburban Dad turns into Straw Dog (It’s when a quiet man goes on a rampage. See the movie of the same name and witness the infamous and long rape scene), beats the ever living shit out of the guy and steals the device.
Straw Dog also gets his wife sprung after calling Kumar. The two of them, unnaturally calm for their first stint in international terrorism, decide not to involve the police. Wife, as all women do, agrees at first and then does the opposite five seconds later. Bauer and Hulk are now en route thanks to her call.
O Valencia!
The terrorists should have just shoved the device in an Amazon.com box and had UPS ship it. It would have gotten their faster and with a smile.
Instead, Bald has to deal with Straw Dog, who is pleading for Bald to call Kumar so that his son can be let go. He does call Kumar, but tells him to kill the boy. Kumar is conflicted. Apparently the pain killer he took gave him feelings.
Had he taken the Bristol-Myers Squibb pill called “Kiltiva” he’d be able to blast that kid right in the heart. (BMS is also working on a pill called “Instafuc” which allows corporations to issue out massive layoffs with no regard for human decency or morals).
Just as Kumar gets the stones to fire the gun, CTU shows up banging down doors. Kumar is flushed out the front door where a waiting Bauer aims his gun and watches a trigger-happy CTU drone shoot Kumar to the ground. Luckily, Gay heard the address for the device, so all is not lost. Though Kumar is gone, which means the Taj and Van Wilder jokes I was saving won’t be relevant anymore.
The address in Valencia is a great lead, but the White House is dealing with more problems. Apparently Con Air was meant as a distraction to spring Numair, the only one who can make the Suitcase Bomb operational. He’s also a great Scrabble player, which is an added bonus for the terrorists.
Palmer 2.0 also has to deal with sister Sassy whose boyfriend was detained in a detention camp after she erased files from at the Islamic-American Alliance office where spits out her liberal lawyer speeches daily.
Sassy’s BF, Walid, is thrown into a detention center which is a lot like high school. People order you around and if you step out of line, you get hit in the side with a baton (I went to Catholic school. That shit happened).
Outside Walid overhears Arabic phrases and relays them to Sassy who is adamant that everyone inside is an innocent person held against their will. However, she promises to ask the FBI about the phrase.
After a meeting with advisors, Palmer 2.0 decides to hand over the entire “save the country” operation to Bauer and Beard, which only enrages the Hulk. Apparently a couple of years ago, some of Hulk’s men were captured and beheaded by Beard’s lieutenant. That’s when Hulk pushed all his emotions down and they haven’t resurfaced…till now.
With Beard’s cooperation, Palmer 2.0 offers a presidential pardon, making Beard’s move of switching teams official.
Hulk gets madder and escorts Beard to the van only to throw him up against it with a gun to the head. Bauer yells at Hulk to put the gun down. Hulk yells some more and then Bauer, who tires of words easily, shoots him in the neck.
Old Man Buchanan calls Bauer seconds later to say that it was cool that he killed Curtis and that no one liked him that much anyway. Bauer cries, pukes and hugs a tree, which is the expected reaction after killing one’s colleague or having too much gin during poker night.
Jack weeps and says he wants out. He wants to go home, shower and start getting the stale taste of leftover Chinese food out of his mouth by eating $50 worth in White Castle meals (hmmm sliders and fries. Why the HELL don’t I have a White Castle in my town?)
Back in Valencia, the CTU tactical team find the bomb shelter and is ready to take all the terrorists down. Unfortunately Numair has finished the bomb and since CTU can only hit boxes with bullets, Numair has enough time to press the colorful “on” button, detonating the suitcase bomb. Aside from Straw Dog yelling “NOOOOOOooooooooo!” nothing is heard except for the nuclear blast.
YES. A nuke has been detonated on prime time television…which means the zombie invasion and inevitable takeover is only a few hours away. I will be embracing my zombie brothers and sisters with open arms and a buffet table filled with American Idol rejects. You should do likewise friend because there are four more “visitors” out there.
1.15.2007
Made in China
1.14.07
6 a.m. to 8 a.m.
6 a.m. to 8 a.m.
But there is one man who can set everything right and that is Hippie Bauer, who hasn’t shaved, read a newspaper or been touched kindly by anyone for the past two years.
He’s also remained silent for the entire time while being held captive in
Apparently math knowledge isn’t power since they couldn’t even break Hippie Bauer and accepted an agreement from the
Hippie Bauer has been tortured, burned and judged (all Asians are born with the “pretentious gene.”) and he has the scars to prove it. Upon his return to the land of the free, he’s welcomed by two old friends who didn’t even bring a KFC dollar chicken burger or cheese fries.
Instead, they bring a folder with bad news and a plea for Hippie Bauer to sacrifice himself for the country. Apparently there’s a man who knows who’s behind the bombings and is willing to give the information up to the government. And since the government has no leads, they are willing to listen to anyone…except hippies. They must be sacrificed to appease terrorists. Shockingly enough, terrorists hate hippies as much as we do.
Hippie Bauer growls questions about his girlfriend Audrey (Sheryl Crow) and his daughter Kim (she went home to
The beard is shaved off and Jack is given a blue button down shirt along with the piece of mind that, finally, he’ll be dying for something.
-Paula Abdul (Why? Click Here.)
-West
-goat cheese…I have my reasons
So Bauer was only brought over for minimum use, which is like anything else made in
The plan to sacrifice Bauer was hatched by Palmer 2.0 (President Wayne Palmer. The younger, slicker Palmer) and his advisors, which include Karen Hayes (K Hay) and Thomas Lennox (Worm. The weird guy from Ghostbusters II and the quiet lawyer from Ally McBeal).
Speaking of lawyers, Palmer 2.0 will be dealing with his sister Sandra “Sassy” Palmer who heads up the Islamic-American Alliance. Sassy was bullied by the FBI and when they came back with a warrant, erased all the files on the Islamic-Americans in their organization.
It’s important to note that K Hay and Bill Buchanan (Old Man Buchanan) are now married. It’s important because when they revealed that and I imagined their wedding night, I threw up a little in my mouth.
The plan involves giving Clean Bauer over to Fayed (Bald), the man who knows where the bomber, Assad (Beard), is. Fayed is also pissed at Bauer because years ago Bauer tortured his brother and killed him (he played the Britney Spears album a little too loud).
Old Man Buchanan drops Clean Bauer at the spot, tells him he’s sorry his life sucks and leaves him with a manly shoulder squeeze before he rushes off in the car.
Back at CTU, Chloe (Scowl Face) trots around looking hot and is the last to know that her old friend Jack Bauer is back in town and ready to die. This is what happens when you spend most of your time with your appearance and boning your ex-husband Morris (Bundy. He’s Al with education, charm and a penchant for grabass).
Both are dealing with middle management
Scowl Face also deals with Nadia who is bringing sexy back with looking hot in dress suits and speaking the terrorists’ language.
After Bundy sees his girl all sad, he logs into a non-government satellite to try to get a visual on her long lost friend. They find one, but not before Bald’s people realize they are being tracked and call up Nadia to complain.
Old Man Buchanan hears what happens and lets out a loud “DAMMIT!” into the air, which is the same way he consummated his marriage with K Hay. Oh God, the puke is rising.
Bald brings Clean Bauer to a typical terrorist lair, complete with a torture table, low lighting and no bathrooms.
Clean Bauer is stabbed in the shoulder and is told the truth of who Bald really is. He’s the one responsible for the bombings, not Beard. Beard is a former terrorist who is planning on renouncing his past actions to build a bridge of peace.
So, just like they tell women at seven-minute dating nights, Bald equals bad and Beard equals good.
Now Bauer knows the truth and is told he will die for nothing. The Bauer rage level is at red, a level he’s never experienced before, which causes him to do things he’s never done. Like ripping out the heart sensor on his arm, grabbing a terrorist drone and biting the jugular.
Had he time, he would have sucked some blood. It brings good luck and would be a nice change from the Chinese leftovers he’s eaten the past two years. He is now McGruff Bauer, taking a bite out of terrorism.
And according to mum, this is a perfectly acceptable way to escape.
Mum: “Oy, if I was there, I don’t care. I’d bite his balls off if I had to”
Me: “But why would his balls be close to your…eh nevermind.”
Meanwhile in the suburbs…
Thanks to the rampant fear in the country, the FBI is arresting anyone who looks suspicious or smells like hummus. A nice suburban family is shocked to find out their neighbor has just been arrested, leaving behind his terrorist son Kal Penn who played Kumar in “Harold and Kumar Go to Whitecastle.”
Since this is
The son (Elliot from Will & Grace who will now be named Gay. You’ll see why) from the nice suburban family is upset and makes his dad run over there to save Kumar before he gets a beating.
Kumar, who is probably still high from the night before, has garnished a chair to protect himself from the rednecks breaking in because, when you’re high, chairs are the only things that make sense to you.
Gay’s dad stops the redneck and tells Kumar to come over to his house to be safe. What Gay and his dad don’t know is that Kumar really is a terrorist and has a mysterious “package” that he has to deliver to Bald in a matter of time.
Because of this, Kumar tells Gay that he has to leave and thanks the family for their help in trying to locate his innocent but terrorist-looking father. Gay is saddened that his friend is in bad shape and offers his hippie necklace to him “for luck.” Kumar stares and tells Gay to keep it because he’ll need luck someday. Also, because, as it was mentioned before, terrorists hate hippies.
The “package” is hidden in the wall, which means it’s either weed or porn. Or a video of porn stars high on weed. Either way, it’s important enough to kill a redneck over, which Kumar does with a gun from his backpack. He already knows the chair is useless.
It’s a shame too, since, at least in this instance, racial profiling worked. But no one will ever know.
Gay heard the ruckus and showed up at Kumar’s house asking his non-gay friend if he needed help. But their not friends. Gay has been mispronouncing Kumar’s name and will now get the ultimate punishment: guilt and shame. And maybe a bullet to the head.
How To Save a Life
Bald can’t find McGruff Bauer and gives up the search because more things must be bombed around the country. McGruff Bauer escapes through the sewers, breaks into a car and calls CTU to tell them they’re after the wrong guy. But, as all hippies know, no one believes McGruff Bauer’s wild rants.
McGruff Bauer: “It’s the other guy! I swear!”
Everyone Else: “You were tortured in
Punching in the coordinates into his stolen cell phone, Bauer finds the Beard’s house and utters his threat with a gun.
“Drop the coffee…and your pants. Now dance. DANCE!”
So with a blood-stained shirt, Bauer convinces Beard that there’s a mole in his camp and that he’s there to help. Beard eventually believes Bauer, uncovers the mole and runs out of the house, moments before helicopters fire missiles into the house because doing a drive-by on the house doesn’t waste enough of taxpayers dollars for it to be feasible.
Scowl Face finds video of Bauer fleeing the scene with Beard and tells Old Man Buchanan. The crazy antic is enough to convince Old Man Buchanan that Bauer was right and orders Scowl Face to keep the information to herself. Once he gets the proper clearance, she’ll be able to post that video on YouTube.
The terrorist mole is broken in an empty rental house, but only after Beard sticks a knife in the mole’s knee. Bauer had given up because, after two years of torture, he can’t bring himself to be like the Chinese. I know how he feels.
Beard kills the mole after he gives up some of Bald’s plan (a subway is the next target) and Bauer responds with a feeble “I don’t know how to do this anymore.” Whatever. I say that at least three times a day and I still find a way to go poddy in the toilet. Suck it up Jack.
Bauer and Beard find the terrorists entering the subway. Bauer takes the bomb, Beard takes the handler, hoping he’ll lead them back to Bald. After Bauer scares the ticket guy with the old “I’m an FBI agent and there’s a bomb on this train” speech, he grabs bomber guy before he sets off the explosives. Eventually, bomber guy presses the activate button, but only after Bauer kicks him out of the train.
Thanks to Scowl Face picking up a cell phone call, CTU now knows Bald is bad and that Beard is here to help. Palmer 2.0 and K Hay realizes that Bauer was right and hang their heads in shame while Worm leans back and tries to think up of more creative ways to ride the world of brown people.
And there’s Jack, running around with a cell phone, a death wish and the nagging taste of terrorist blood in his mouth, a taste he’s grown accustom to and will no doubt need more of before the day is done. A couple more pints and he’ll be Lost Boy Bauer, the blood-thirsty vampire who thwarts terrorism in his spare time.
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