Touch of Evil

24 Season 7 Episode 16
11 p.m. to 12 a.m.


Bauer has been exposed to a bad touch that can only be manufactured by American hands on African soil, the type of touch that gives you Alzheimer's disease and MS in 48 hours and ushers in what may look like the longest death scene in television history.

It's also the kind of touch that leaves a man naked and wet on the side of the road with his hands in the air as he gets sprayed down by protective CDC water (Secret: it's just Windex and does nothing).

Jack Bauer has been exposed...to a lot...and he has the scars to prove it.

"Oh that? It was there before. Grilling accident from '94....In Nam."

The scars of Bauer even got a reaction from the CDC, who aren't known for showing much emotion apart from their long faces and cold stares.

What they are known for is handing out pieces of paper that tells people they are positive for bioweapon/mad cow disease/gay monkey syndrome/exploding head phenomena.

Bauer is now branded with the touch of evil and forced to watch the US government and the FBI fuddle up the situation with Starkwood, a product of the country's capitalistic greed, military prowess and the madness of Jonus Hodges. He has a slower version of the virus called Alzheimer's.

Between yelling into the phone, uttering strange phrases at people (though this week failed to have a "eat your vegetables" or "put on your PJs" moment) and blank emotionless stares, Jonus Hodges is in control of Starkwood, a company with a private army that has enjoyed various military contracts and sympathetic legislation from the US.

And now Hodges has only two hours to make his gaseous bioweapon operational, which is also the same amount of time it takes him to rid his body of the natural gaseous fumes that occur when he forgets to drink his daily can of Ensure.

Which isn't much time, especially since the FBI finally knows what's going on (Bauer is a hero, bioweapons are bad) and Janice's information-compiling skills have presented itself. I was wrong. She is talented.

She's also really good at making sure that Webcam stays on top of that Dell laptop. Seriously, that's a marketable skill, especially in an economy where former office managers are cleaning up stains from off-duty janitors at strip clubs.

Another marketable skill? Dublicity, which can get you a job as a provisional chief of staff at the White House or as the right-hand man of a successful military corporation hell-bent on teaching the world a lesson in pain.

You know what doesn't take any talent at all? Calling the White House and explaining the "Imminent Homeland Threat" to the president. Larry Moss, I hate everything that you choose to be.

According to Moss, the enemy, as it turns out, is America and her penchant for getting in bed with 1,500 highly trained merceneries at once and without protection. Thier love child? A company called Starkwood that trains its employees to be angry patriots instilled with the knowledge that they are better than any American ever born. Ever.

"I wanted to stop. I should have called you guys months ago. I was just, uh, busy. Soooo about that immunity."

Greg, the corporate troll seated at the right hand of Jonus, duped Tony and the FBI into thinking they were going to find the self-made weapons of mass destruction with the Starkwood insigna (it's the finger). Instead, they found an empty warehouse and a shit-eating grin from Greg. The only thing that was missing was Greg raising his fist and knee in the classic power fart pose and letting one rip.

Unfortunately for Moss, his ragtag team of federal agents and Navy Seals won't be able to search the three-mile complex of Starkwood, a facility approved by lawmakers interested in enhancing their bank account and allowed to exist becuase MPAT didn't do anything "fast enough" to stop them.

It's probably because she chose to bond with her daughter that day instead of dealing with national security problems.

All Bauer can do is hang back with an infected, uncontagious body and watch the FBI get chewed to bits by merceneries who are motivated to fight thanks to a matching corporate 401K and bonuses from federal bailouts. And, as we've seen from the FBI waredrobe and their lack of Humvees, they haven't seen a decent bonus check in about 10 years.

Private Armies and the Corporations Who Love Them

24 Season 7 Episode 15
10 p.m. to 11 p.m.


The world is being threatened and from different angles, from bioweapons hidden in metal crates to political douches willing to spray manufactured lies all in the name of dirty sex with a broadcast journalist which, given this economy, will no doubt be filled with elements of shame and sadness (their medium is dying).

However, the biggest threat isn't coming from a White House conspiracy, a corporation with a private army or your uncle's bathroom after he's had two bowls of chili and a bran muffin. The greatest national threat to the country's freedom comes from a weak man with strong sperm.

Carl "I'm just a Port Cop"...Guy unknowingly engaged in terrorism all for some extra cash so that his twins wouldn't have to live with more natural food and less electronics (not poor).

Everyone knows about Carl's plight, thanks to his penchant for performing badly-worded monologues about his crappy life.

"My wife got pregnant. Natural thing in the world right? But it's gonna costs us an arm and a leg..."

Carl probably performed this monologue to the wall in a men's bathroom, allowing him to suddenly be pee pals with "the wrong guy" (AKA: the guy who pees with raised fists in the air as a sign of victory).

"Money troubles friend? How would you like to make five large...whoa! Get off your knees man, not like that."

A decision in the men's bathroom can change your life. For the better. Just ask Larry Craig or George Michael. They're famous now.

For Carl, his shitty monologue (which would have been better served in a horror or Lifetime Presents movie) brought him to the docks with Starkwood, the corporation who just wants to help with their army of drugged-up felons led by a guy who uses metaphors to confuse and creep out his staff.

"They're a bunch of 6-year-olds and need to eat their carrots." Is that because...they are being punished...for not bringing pajamas (the weird metaphor from the week before)? Or has Jonas Voight (I'm completely convinced Voight isn't acting and writing his own lines) been watching too many episodes of House.

And did anyone else want the cane-wielding doctor to show up at the hospital with the first gentlemen to pronounce "Wrong! You are dying! Now look at Cuddy's ass and tell me how awesome it is."

Yes, he's awake, alive and armed with the potential to bore. At least he's happy because his daughter is back at the White House douching all over the place.

"Give Olivia my love. And come over whenever. I'm not going anywhere...plotwise."

Olivia has been leaking since she got into the White House and now has a seat at the presidential table where she will no doubt douche it up all over the floor, table and linens. And with the presidential wet towel now resigning his post, Queen squirt will now have the run of the castle.

Ugh. I feel icky.

Larry probably feels the same way as his feeble brain is putting together the various clues by telling Hot Walker the random things he sees in the dead senator's office.

"Computer. Lamp. Chair. Gun. Paper. Wood. Glass...Tall lamp?"

Hot Walker eventually takes pity on Larry's incoherent blabber and reveals the Starkwood connection along with Jack's building rage.

Since the shooting at Senator Mayer, the Bauer Rage Gage has peaked at badger, one of the angriest of woodland creatures. If he hits pelican, we're all screwed.

Badger Level allows Bauer to infiltrate an area with a large gun and no real plan, the same way a badger creeps around a house in the hopes the wind will blow down a trashcan filled with food.

It also allows Bauer to recruit Carl to work for the Firefight Corporation, which has an army of 10 packed into the military duo of Bauer-Almeida.

Again, this is where Carl's life of mediocrity comes in handy as he tells his sad life of being a father of twins soon and forces Jack to "promise" to protect him. Jack's rage level subsides and lowers to Donkey, the animal of perpetual guilt.

Bauer's down with breaking bones and hearts, but not promises, especially the ones the come out of the mouths of ones made to witless men with no reason to live (though, I just realized we were Janice free tonight, so thanks Carl). (Bauer tortured me by throwing a lamp at my balls, hence the change).

With Carl, the Firefight Corporation is now two and a half men, ready to watch Starkwood and follow them with bioweapon in tow. Carl lives up to his intern status at Firefight, and quickly gets pulled into the inner circle and is eventually led off to the corner of the yard to be shot in the head.

Bauer guilt: rising.

After Bauer saves Carl's life by shooting Bad Guy #10 in the head, he and Tony play the who-can-say-firefight-more-in-one-minute game.

Almeida: Goddammit Jack! Now it's firefight time.

Bauer: Just be ready. We need a large enough firefight to get to the truck.

Almeida: There's 10 people there and it's gonna turn into a firefight.

Bauer: Can't you count? I just shot a dude in the freaking skull. There's only nine....firefight.

As the Firefight Corporation engage Starkwood Corporation (this is called a breakdown in negotiations in the business world), bullets fly hitting cars and chemical weapons. Bauer eventually leaves to Die-Hard the truck (jump and pull driver from) to grab the bioweapon. As he drives, he hums the Firefight Corporation theme song, written and performed by Jimmy Eat World.

While on the road, Bauer calls Larry to tell him about the bioweapon, his new ride and the fact that he left Tony behind. "Screw you" is the Firefight company motto, which is on lease from AIG.

Eventually, the bioweapon beeps and leads Bauer to discover the weapon is leaking its evil out into the world. So to save the random late-night commuters, Bauer holds his breath, turns the valve down and steps outside, just in time for Starkwood to show up with a helicopter to air-lift the weapon off the road the same way the giant claw game at the bowling alley picks the crappiest toy with the hole in it.

This leaves exposed Bauer to "sit tight" on the road as he waits for the CDC to show up to prod him arbitrarily or for the zombie gas to take over his body.

This week's 24 lesson? Never save anyone. Especially those named Carl.

No Trust for Old Men

24 Season 7 Episode 14
9 p.m. to 10 p.m.

A man is dead and Bauer is "At Large," which is a lot like going to the fast food restaurant, picking the worst thing on the menu and then asking them to deep fry it...again.

But this is when he thrives, when the adrenaline is coursing through his veins which allows Bauer to tap into that dark place we all have inside of us when we see a car with an unattended Mac book. We. Must. Have. It. Now.

This is the magic of being "At Large." Nothing fazes you and nothing is impossible. Elbow through the car window? Yes. Having a tender moment with Senator Red Foreman about regrets? Fine.

Emotions are everywhere and before you know it, you find yourself yelling at an old man and then running through a door.

You know what my biggest regret is? Spending too much time on the Pinewood Derby event in the Boy Scouts and not going after the bust-through-a-door merit badge. Once again, 24 has shown me just how much of my life I've wasted.

But at least Bauer is spending quality time with Senator Red and his useless home security system instead of with Jon Voight and his creepy old-man slumber party where people need "pajamas and toothbrushes" because "It's going to be a long night."

Pajamas and toothbrushes is corporate lingo for male rape. It's not torture if they like it. And since it's not torture, the White House can get behind it.

Which is probably the case since there is still this looming conspiracy headed up by Jon "My Name is Jonus" Voight, who I'm fairly certain is acting while under house arrest since he never seems to leave that room.

Like Walker's subconscious love for Bauer, the threat to the White House is real and, like most administrations, the White House is choosing to ignore the emerging possibility of a corporate scandal involving a company called Blackwater Starkwood that has a private army of Bauer clones at its disposal to "secure" anything that "gets in the way."

Instead, the White House does what it does best and declares victory after invading a small country half a world away. Why? Cause it's an "opportunity" to tell the world how awesome we are, just in case they didn't that postcard with Alec Baldwin playing "Masturbator" on the Wii.

While Bauer tries to find "the connection" to a complicated corporate investigation in a matter of minutes, Morris O'Brian is recruited by the FBI to crack some encrypted code from an email. Encrypted code that Janice couldn't crack.

Apparently her only real FBI talent is to release classified information as hallway gossip and to stare people down from across the room with a perpetual face like she just stepped into a shoe with poo and can't decide if actually likes the feel.

(hint: she likes it)

Here's my theory about Janice: she's a walking pile of vomit. And not the fun oh-I-got-drunk-last-night vomit. She's more the I-will-punish-you-for-combining-fried-dough-and-yogurt-in-your-belly variety.

Morris is compelled to help nab Bauer because of his fear of being a single father, especially since his only real parenting skill is telling someone else to "Make sure Preston gets Baboo before bedtime."

The Brit's actions spring Chloe from the FBI's musical-chair time-out room and places Hot Walker in there for being an accessory after the fact and for making Lame Larry look stupid. Which, given his hot streak of poor decisions and misguided instincts, isn't that hard to do.

He is smart enough to warn his team it was "impossible to overestimate Bauer," which I took to mean that if they're fighting Bauer and he turns into a fire-breathing dragon wielding a gun that shoots exploding hammers in their face, they should expect it.

If only they knew about Bauer's Achilles heel: trust.

The world has been made for a person like Bauer to exist and in a rare moment of reflection, Bauer lets his guard down and allows himself to think that maybe the political system that has crapped all over him in the past may be able to finally do some good.

But the endeavor to trust the government is as futile as the girl typing in "stomach fat" into Web MD looking for an answer. The government will never work and stomach fat happens because of your diet of Taco Bell and Krispy Kreme donuts.

The only thing Bauer really trusts are thin connections within a storyline to move along the plot, which has done wondrous things for him in the past.

Once the connection is made, and Senator Red is blasted away, the Bauer Dance of Rage begins with Quinn, which involves an elegant crash through a door, followed by misdirection into a trailer and capped with Bauer using a bulldozer to slam into said trailer. Why? Because it's hilarious.

Just like all of Bauer's dances, this one ends with a screwdriver to the heart with a little extra wood-to-the-chest for good measure. I also would have accepted rock-to-the-crotch and a Gary Busey-esque knifefight.

However, it may be nothing compared to what awaits Bauer with Voight's shipment of bioweapons, which are regular weapons infused with angry biotechnology that will make people sneeze and shit at the same time till they die.

It's called Colon-Blow and it barely passed its clinical trials, which makes them perfect as political teaching instruments that are fundamentally necessary for a country gone awry.

And the person to help Bauer fight these bioweapons? A former terrorist who has wasted the past two hours sitting at a cafe "monitoring the FBI's bandwidth," which is criminal speak for "I'm hitting on the waitress and I want her to think I'm cool."

Tony's back. And he's ready to state the obvious for the audience.

Death of an Old Man and the Rise of a New Evil

24 Season 7 Episode 13
8 p.m. to 9 p.m.

Three words: Buchanan is dead.

Three other words: Bauer has feelings.

Jack Bauer cried tonight, which is usually only brought out of his system when someone close to him dies or he chops off someone's hand. What's more, it revealed to Hot Walker Bauer's warm gooey side which made her eye-fuck him even more.

But wait, this is supposed to be a eulogy and not about Walker's kinky sex life...

The great Old Man Buchanan conducted his last mission on 24: Operation steal-gun-and-shoot, a plan Bauer cooked up in the gym-class setting that was the Juma hostage situation. It even had Senator Red as the kid no one liked because of his tendency to morally object to everything.

Don't remember that kid? It was you.

Buchanan's actions saved the president, who was exercising her American right to humiliate herself on the internet in front of a Sangalan flag no one would ever see.

"He's embarrassing the president! Make this stop!"
"Dude, it's too late. It's on the internet. It's alive now and can't be stopped."

And it's not even that embarrassing. I still have yet to see something that surpasses this in the online cringe Olympics.

Maybe it was the thought of the countless Youtube videos mocking his president that caused Buchanan to act or maybe his ass fell asleep from sitting on the floor too long and he was afriad of farting and not knowing.

Or, perhaps, it was to give Bauer enough rage in the tank for another 11 hours, which begins with Bauer doing what he does best: running away from the law.

If you want someone to blame for the death of Buchanan, turn towards the VP, this season's slimeball who refused to authorize anything until he got a new status update from the President's facebook that didn't say "OMG Bauer just tasered some dude! 2 hours ago".

And he's getting updates from CNB, like a normal person? Maybe the reason the VP is so ticked off all the time is because he's the only guy in Washington who's not in the conspiracy.

Which is a shame because a conspiracy consisting of a drunken Jon Voight spending an evening in a massive office with bourbon (the official drink of shifty-eyed conspirators) and yelling about the "bitch" of a president sounds like my childhood experiences with my grandfather. And that guy was freakin' hilarious.

But not all senior citizens are created equal. While one plots a shadow government with a side of weapons and military targets, another is a condescending bastard who is constantly demanding to know "what is going on." Though when he finally realizes what is going on, all he can muster is a feeble "nonomaroff!" and immediately grab for his ass to make sure the morning combination of Ensure and Depends is working its magic.

Senator Red will probably leave the hostage situation even more pissed off because he was being shunned and because he witnessed Bauer execute Juma.

Oh yea, that.

The Candyman is gone, which is apparently keeping with this year's theme of introducing evildoers and then exiting them before they become too stale and ridiculous (Season 6, I'm looking in your general direction).

It was all an effort of misdirection to introduce the real enemy of the season, the dark lord pulling all the strings and leaving only despair and fear in its path: CLIMATE CHANGE Wohahahaha.

We're supposed to stop the clock on this whole Global Warming thing...maybe by shooting bullets into the air? No Buchanan proved that was a bad idea, especially indoors. Perhaps Bauer will make a snowman and then take a hair dryer to it as a punishment for snowing in March.

Till then, we'll have to settle for Bauer torturing political aides, provided the FBI allows the world to have a little fun.

"Bauer is a wildcard! There's no telling what he'll do!"

It's Larry again, being lame. Just like he was in the trailer for this season when everything was about a CIP device and an evil Tony Almedia (I have no idea what it's actually about now).

This leads to Hot Walker revealing the true essence of the show in a simple reply.

"You know, maybe if we just got out of his way, none of this would have happened."

I've certain I've heard this statement from some of my friends before, but when you hear it from Hot Walker, it just sounds better, the same way suicide bombings don't seem so bad on Naked News.

Larry's lameness is spreading around Washington, forcing many to just do the opposite of what he wants based on principle. You want to arrest Bauer and ride in the helicopter? Screw you and take a bike.

The order for torture comes from the president's chief of staff Ethan, who may or may not be evil and who has a beef with the bratty first daughter Olivia, who graduated from the Rovian school of politics with a major in Political positioning and a minor in lying. Her hobbies are flirting with guys who take bullets for her and making sure they are single by bringing up their past relationships (Martha is...still crazy?).

Thanks to Hot Walker betraying her boss and getting suspended, Bauer is allowed into the hospital to interrogate the political aide, armed with the idea of fear. The only problem is there's real fear lurking in the ceiling who looks like a regular dad but has the moral aptitude to snuff out a patient to cause a distraction.

The sequence, introduced by a drunken Voight with the simple statement of "Quinn is good. Bauer is good too," showed the skillful Quinn implementing an intricate plan that involved climbing, using a nonchalant stroll and gas. Smelly, drool-inducing gas.

Bauer didn't get to torture, which is like telling a married guy he can watch 4 hours of porn only to find the internet connection was ripped out. Expect some major blue balls for Bauer in the torture category that will most likely manifest itself by him torturing homeless bums for their bags of cans.

Which is appropriate, since Bauer is back in the street, where he belongs, trying to convince the FBI a random dude appeared from the ceiling and stabbed the political aide in the chest with glass. I think 24 would be even funnier if we didn't see Jack's point of view and just thought he was nuts.

This was all to frame Bauer, sending him rogue again where he'll most likely meet up with Tony in some alley and create CTU Homeless, which will be two guys roaming the streets in a van trying to make the world a better place by uncovering government conspiracies and recycling whenever they can.

Because if it's not the lead in the bullets that will get you, it'll be the plastic in your condoms.

The Candyman is on the Prowl

24 Season 7, Episodes 11 & 12
6 p.m. to 8 p.m.

General Juma, in his Coming to America garb.

Juma's team has infiltrated America and done so with the greatest of ease thanks to young men with non-threatening faces who are skilled at the art of small talk. They were so ingrained in our culture that white people were inviting them to weekend parties that were serving Chinese food. Add a drunk donkey in the backyard and it doesn't get any more American than that.

They've been hiding in the background of society, doing menial jobs and getting by with plastic ID tags that are apparently legit enough to fool FBI agents standing guard in hospitals.

"Picture match face? You go now."

This is all to lay the groundwork for General Juma's Coming to America party, only instead of searching for a queen (which was apparently Dubaku's side mission) he's here to conduct a good ol' fashion home invasion against the White House, "the high value, high impact" target.

No one could have figured out that the White House was the high value target? Did anyone even try to guess the Lincoln Memorial? Or maybe it was hard to ignore the draw of the National Building Museum, a place dedicated to, of all things, buildings.

MPAT: "Juma's HERE? In DC? He is guilty of crimes against humanity and must be caught!"

His crimes? Genocide and securing funding for enough Olive Garden commercials to last a century. Juma knows where to hit you where it hurts the most: your heart and your pop-culture soul.

But in order to get to the White House Juma needed help, which came in the form of one Ryan Burnett, politico tool for hire who happens to work for Senator Mayer, Red from That 70's Show, and who has watched the Don't Tase Me Bro video enough times to know how to take a hit of electricity.

Thanks to some vague information from Tony in the form of "Dude, um, someone told me something is gonna happen. Here. Like soon" Jack is ready to go balls to the wall with his constant nemesis: sanity.

In five minutes, the two rogue former CTU agents hatch a plan:

-Enter White House.
-Steal Taser.
-Torture Burnett with a combination of taser-ing, medical explanations about what electricity does to the body and counting down the tases from 128.
-Use word "paralysis" as a last resort
-Get arrested

Plan B involves the tried and true offer of immunity from the president.

And because the plan falls into the N category for "Nuts," Bauer subdues Old Man Buchanan with the Brokeback Mountain "It's alright. Don't fight it" hold.

This is how Bauer protects, by rendering you incapacitated and unaware of his antics. It's also how he gets free Happy Meals on the weekend.

As always, he's getting help from Chloe, who has the master list of all the people Dubaku had contact with in Washington. I have a similar list locked away that has the names of the people who farted in or on my car. You know who you are (dad's on there twice for two separate infractions).

However, she's getting hounded by her nemesis, Cryface, who initiated the Awkward IT War with a preemptive strike by monitoring Scowlface's calls and online activity. When she intercepts a cell phone call from Jack to Chloe, Janice turns Scowlface in to Lame Larry and goes on a rant about the alleged "wiz bang" computer geek.

And a word about the beautiful, worlds-colliding awkwardness in Chloe-Janice exchange of computer phrases: awesome. It was uncomfortable with a side of the same tension you get from watching your parents fight on Christmas or when your significant other shames you into admitting what you were "doing" in the home office last night (for future reference, the correct answer is "working on the blog").

With the FBI alerted to the fact that there is another attack that will occur in DC, Bauer's taser-fun time will be cut short, even though he has 128 "pokes" left. At least he got to taser the phone for yelling at him before the room was stormed in.

Unfortunately for Bauer, MPAT was in the Oval Office with Senator Red Foreman who has a foot he wants to stick up Bauer's ass for being the founding-member of Team Torture.

"I don't care if his source is the Blessed Virgin Mary! It's wrong!" said Senator Red as he points to the tortured pile of goo that is his traitorous political aid. So the BVM doesn't count as a source? But what if she comes to you in a dream and tells you to save people by torture?

(Anyone else find it hilarious that after Bauer called Senator Red "weak" there was a commercial for the Army to be "strong"? At least, this was in the Boston market where audiences appreciate subconscious advertising messages).

After MPAT scolds the traitor like a 4-year-old ("What did you say?!?"), she charges him with Title 18, providing aid and comfort to the country's enemy. Comfort? Did Burnett give Juma a Snuggie too?

There's still hope for America, provided Agent Walker will just allow herself to accept the Bauer-side that's in her soul. It's the part of her that follows gut feelings and has no qualms jumping after a boat.

Unfortunately she has yet to acquire the Bauer gear, which would have allowed her cell phone to work after get wet (a pain I know all too well).

It's here where Wet Walker finds General Juma's plans for his attack that conveniently has a picture of the White House as the last page, just in case the Sangalans got confused as to which building they were going to hit. They are, after all, foreigners who just want to know what love is.
By employing scuba gear and an underwater drill (why can't that underwater technology be incorporated into a cell phone so that when you accidentilly wash it, it'll continue to work? I'm not bitter) Team Juma infiltrates the White House thanks to one of their own working on the inside (Remember their skillful small talk banter? No one suspects a weapon when you're talking about food).

With enough weapons for a small war (Less War on Drugs and more War on Banality), the Candyman (Tony Todd is good at playing crazy and scary) is on the prowl to lead his team into the White House with some killer dance moves and oversized overalls. Wait, that's something else.

Candyman and company is on the prowl for the president who, thanks to Old Man Buchanan initiating Operation Run Around, has distracted Team Juma long enough for MPAT to enter the safe room with Bauer.

Buchanan: He's into distractions, not torture.

With Buchanan taken into custody, the White House is now under the protection of the Secret Service, the men and women known for jumping in front of bullets rather than shooting them from a gun. They are also easily fooled by veiled threats.

To enter the lockdown room, Juma's men attempt to crack the entry code with technology. After Bauer sees this, he combats it by using his favorite inpromptu weapon: a lamp. He's used it before to shock people to tell the truth and this time he used it to short-circuit the keypad. You what else kills electronics? Water (stupid cell phone).

Because Juma's men don't have a plan B, he's forced to call Jon Voight, who's shoving Chinese food into his mouth while watching television. I'm fairly certain Voight isn't acting here. That's really what he's like.

He alerts Juma to the pressence of Olivia, the First (and only) Daughter who has been locked in a room with Aaron for at least two hours. And, in true Myspace Whore fashion, she has managed to alienate everyone that's gotten close to her.

Despite his best efforts, Aaron can't do much with the Myspace Whore, except drag her around as eye candy, which is one of the main skills of the social-networking entity. The other skill is taking up cyberspace. She also sucks at finding flashlights and relaying morse code, which gets her and Aaron caught and thrown in with the rest of the hostages.

Just before Juma is about to filet Olivia like a fish, MPAT comes out of the room and is slapped by the Candyman. He wasn't here to knock her boots after all.

Jack is confined to the hostages and remains the sole member of Team Torture. But the tides may be changing, especially since he's convinced his financial backers that Team Torture has to somehow be green now, even though the organization is dedicated to car explosions and firefights in the street.