Touch of Evil

24 Season 7 Episode 16
11 p.m. to 12 a.m.


Bauer has been exposed to a bad touch that can only be manufactured by American hands on African soil, the type of touch that gives you Alzheimer's disease and MS in 48 hours and ushers in what may look like the longest death scene in television history.

It's also the kind of touch that leaves a man naked and wet on the side of the road with his hands in the air as he gets sprayed down by protective CDC water (Secret: it's just Windex and does nothing).

Jack Bauer has been exposed...to a lot...and he has the scars to prove it.

"Oh that? It was there before. Grilling accident from '94....In Nam."

The scars of Bauer even got a reaction from the CDC, who aren't known for showing much emotion apart from their long faces and cold stares.

What they are known for is handing out pieces of paper that tells people they are positive for bioweapon/mad cow disease/gay monkey syndrome/exploding head phenomena.

Bauer is now branded with the touch of evil and forced to watch the US government and the FBI fuddle up the situation with Starkwood, a product of the country's capitalistic greed, military prowess and the madness of Jonus Hodges. He has a slower version of the virus called Alzheimer's.

Between yelling into the phone, uttering strange phrases at people (though this week failed to have a "eat your vegetables" or "put on your PJs" moment) and blank emotionless stares, Jonus Hodges is in control of Starkwood, a company with a private army that has enjoyed various military contracts and sympathetic legislation from the US.

And now Hodges has only two hours to make his gaseous bioweapon operational, which is also the same amount of time it takes him to rid his body of the natural gaseous fumes that occur when he forgets to drink his daily can of Ensure.

Which isn't much time, especially since the FBI finally knows what's going on (Bauer is a hero, bioweapons are bad) and Janice's information-compiling skills have presented itself. I was wrong. She is talented.

She's also really good at making sure that Webcam stays on top of that Dell laptop. Seriously, that's a marketable skill, especially in an economy where former office managers are cleaning up stains from off-duty janitors at strip clubs.

Another marketable skill? Dublicity, which can get you a job as a provisional chief of staff at the White House or as the right-hand man of a successful military corporation hell-bent on teaching the world a lesson in pain.

You know what doesn't take any talent at all? Calling the White House and explaining the "Imminent Homeland Threat" to the president. Larry Moss, I hate everything that you choose to be.

According to Moss, the enemy, as it turns out, is America and her penchant for getting in bed with 1,500 highly trained merceneries at once and without protection. Thier love child? A company called Starkwood that trains its employees to be angry patriots instilled with the knowledge that they are better than any American ever born. Ever.

"I wanted to stop. I should have called you guys months ago. I was just, uh, busy. Soooo about that immunity."

Greg, the corporate troll seated at the right hand of Jonus, duped Tony and the FBI into thinking they were going to find the self-made weapons of mass destruction with the Starkwood insigna (it's the finger). Instead, they found an empty warehouse and a shit-eating grin from Greg. The only thing that was missing was Greg raising his fist and knee in the classic power fart pose and letting one rip.

Unfortunately for Moss, his ragtag team of federal agents and Navy Seals won't be able to search the three-mile complex of Starkwood, a facility approved by lawmakers interested in enhancing their bank account and allowed to exist becuase MPAT didn't do anything "fast enough" to stop them.

It's probably because she chose to bond with her daughter that day instead of dealing with national security problems.

All Bauer can do is hang back with an infected, uncontagious body and watch the FBI get chewed to bits by merceneries who are motivated to fight thanks to a matching corporate 401K and bonuses from federal bailouts. And, as we've seen from the FBI waredrobe and their lack of Humvees, they haven't seen a decent bonus check in about 10 years.