Private Armies and the Corporations Who Love Them

24 Season 7 Episode 15
10 p.m. to 11 p.m.


The world is being threatened and from different angles, from bioweapons hidden in metal crates to political douches willing to spray manufactured lies all in the name of dirty sex with a broadcast journalist which, given this economy, will no doubt be filled with elements of shame and sadness (their medium is dying).

However, the biggest threat isn't coming from a White House conspiracy, a corporation with a private army or your uncle's bathroom after he's had two bowls of chili and a bran muffin. The greatest national threat to the country's freedom comes from a weak man with strong sperm.

Carl "I'm just a Port Cop"...Guy unknowingly engaged in terrorism all for some extra cash so that his twins wouldn't have to live with more natural food and less electronics (not poor).

Everyone knows about Carl's plight, thanks to his penchant for performing badly-worded monologues about his crappy life.

"My wife got pregnant. Natural thing in the world right? But it's gonna costs us an arm and a leg..."

Carl probably performed this monologue to the wall in a men's bathroom, allowing him to suddenly be pee pals with "the wrong guy" (AKA: the guy who pees with raised fists in the air as a sign of victory).

"Money troubles friend? How would you like to make five large...whoa! Get off your knees man, not like that."

A decision in the men's bathroom can change your life. For the better. Just ask Larry Craig or George Michael. They're famous now.

For Carl, his shitty monologue (which would have been better served in a horror or Lifetime Presents movie) brought him to the docks with Starkwood, the corporation who just wants to help with their army of drugged-up felons led by a guy who uses metaphors to confuse and creep out his staff.

"They're a bunch of 6-year-olds and need to eat their carrots." Is that because...they are being punished...for not bringing pajamas (the weird metaphor from the week before)? Or has Jonas Voight (I'm completely convinced Voight isn't acting and writing his own lines) been watching too many episodes of House.

And did anyone else want the cane-wielding doctor to show up at the hospital with the first gentlemen to pronounce "Wrong! You are dying! Now look at Cuddy's ass and tell me how awesome it is."

Yes, he's awake, alive and armed with the potential to bore. At least he's happy because his daughter is back at the White House douching all over the place.

"Give Olivia my love. And come over whenever. I'm not going anywhere...plotwise."

Olivia has been leaking since she got into the White House and now has a seat at the presidential table where she will no doubt douche it up all over the floor, table and linens. And with the presidential wet towel now resigning his post, Queen squirt will now have the run of the castle.

Ugh. I feel icky.

Larry probably feels the same way as his feeble brain is putting together the various clues by telling Hot Walker the random things he sees in the dead senator's office.

"Computer. Lamp. Chair. Gun. Paper. Wood. Glass...Tall lamp?"

Hot Walker eventually takes pity on Larry's incoherent blabber and reveals the Starkwood connection along with Jack's building rage.

Since the shooting at Senator Mayer, the Bauer Rage Gage has peaked at badger, one of the angriest of woodland creatures. If he hits pelican, we're all screwed.

Badger Level allows Bauer to infiltrate an area with a large gun and no real plan, the same way a badger creeps around a house in the hopes the wind will blow down a trashcan filled with food.

It also allows Bauer to recruit Carl to work for the Firefight Corporation, which has an army of 10 packed into the military duo of Bauer-Almeida.

Again, this is where Carl's life of mediocrity comes in handy as he tells his sad life of being a father of twins soon and forces Jack to "promise" to protect him. Jack's rage level subsides and lowers to Donkey, the animal of perpetual guilt.

Bauer's down with breaking bones and hearts, but not promises, especially the ones the come out of the mouths of ones made to witless men with no reason to live (though, I just realized we were Janice free tonight, so thanks Carl). (Bauer tortured me by throwing a lamp at my balls, hence the change).

With Carl, the Firefight Corporation is now two and a half men, ready to watch Starkwood and follow them with bioweapon in tow. Carl lives up to his intern status at Firefight, and quickly gets pulled into the inner circle and is eventually led off to the corner of the yard to be shot in the head.

Bauer guilt: rising.

After Bauer saves Carl's life by shooting Bad Guy #10 in the head, he and Tony play the who-can-say-firefight-more-in-one-minute game.

Almeida: Goddammit Jack! Now it's firefight time.

Bauer: Just be ready. We need a large enough firefight to get to the truck.

Almeida: There's 10 people there and it's gonna turn into a firefight.

Bauer: Can't you count? I just shot a dude in the freaking skull. There's only nine....firefight.

As the Firefight Corporation engage Starkwood Corporation (this is called a breakdown in negotiations in the business world), bullets fly hitting cars and chemical weapons. Bauer eventually leaves to Die-Hard the truck (jump and pull driver from) to grab the bioweapon. As he drives, he hums the Firefight Corporation theme song, written and performed by Jimmy Eat World.

While on the road, Bauer calls Larry to tell him about the bioweapon, his new ride and the fact that he left Tony behind. "Screw you" is the Firefight company motto, which is on lease from AIG.

Eventually, the bioweapon beeps and leads Bauer to discover the weapon is leaking its evil out into the world. So to save the random late-night commuters, Bauer holds his breath, turns the valve down and steps outside, just in time for Starkwood to show up with a helicopter to air-lift the weapon off the road the same way the giant claw game at the bowling alley picks the crappiest toy with the hole in it.

This leaves exposed Bauer to "sit tight" on the road as he waits for the CDC to show up to prod him arbitrarily or for the zombie gas to take over his body.

This week's 24 lesson? Never save anyone. Especially those named Carl.