Jack Bauer Can't Die and the Power of Shame Sex

24 Season 7 Episode 17
12 a.m. to 1 a.m.


A domestic terrorist attack is brewing in Virginia, Jack Bauer has the shakes and the man seemingly in charge "can't find an opening" for justice or sex. And if Bauer dies, this blog ends up in an internet woodchipper.

Starkwood, who has spent most of its career pulling America's "tight" ass out of the fire, is set to penetrate various cities on the Eastern seaboard with missiles armed with the dementia-giving bioweapon. The silver lining? The missiles are from Pakistan, so there's a decent chance they'll just fly into the ocean or just give up and fall over.

The FBI had a chance, but fell for the empty warehouse trick, which led Jon Voight to show up and yell "Where are the WMBs? There's nothing here at all!" This...sounds familiar.

So, like any other old man who finds varmint on his property, Voight was prepared with a small army aiming weapons at the heads of the soldiers with the FBI, giving more proof that Voight, aka Hodges, is "out of control."

"Who does he think he is?!" yells MPAT. He's Jon Freak'n Voight and this is his way of arranging a sit down with the president.

Because the bioweapon has a hold of Jack, which causes him to shake and his eyes to pop out of his skull with fear, Tony is left to do the all the high-flying attacks and uttering "dammit" under his breath. He's a decent Bauer substitute and can be an army of fun at times. Though it's like watching the Golden Girls when you really just wanted to watch porn.

Like this gross sex tape I just found on Vimeo showing a journalist tending to one of his sources with shame sex, which is the only true way to actually communicate with a member of the press (I started Shame Sex Club at the weekly I used to work for).

Journalists are known to be drunken, immoral buffoons who constantly have to blackmail women to have sex with them (they've tried begging and it doesn't work). They are also slow on the uptake with technology (many of them are just discovering the internet now), which was clear from Ken's OMG-phones-can-take-video look.

Yes, Ken. But only Sprint phones. They are the only ones that can film sex, document bioweapons and allow you to video-mock the president of the United States. All on one charge.

So why do journalists engage in shame sex? It's better than crying into a bottle of whiskey or, for the recently unemployed, a can of Pabst.

The only thing the phones can't do is stop you from putting your foot in your mouth like when Tony told Jack he was "really exposed here" right before he broke into the WMD warehouse. Right Tony. You're exposed. Not the guy back at FBI headquarters who looks like his skin is about to turn inside out.

(Routine Rant about the FBI: Janice always says the things she's doing when she's doing it. "I'm loading the system now. Typing in the word. I just ate some crumbs on my keyboard. They were good.")

Though Tony has located the WMDs, Hodges is still claiming that it's a great day for Starkwood Actually, he's right. They finished their project on time, reduced costs by letting their board of directors go and have setup a one-on-one meeting with the president. Given this economy, that's a capitalistic victory, save for the impending war and the mutant population it will produce in the aftermath when the bioweapons are unleashed.

We are now in hour two of the Bauer Deathwatch and only NOW are we hearing about an experimental treatment that can use the healing power of stem cells? Did the CDC just google "bioweapon + stem cell" and come back with that?

And where would such stem cells come from? They must be extracted from a spawn and since Bauer either killed or frightened most of his family, that leaves only Kim "I only show up when dad has a bad day" Bauer. Oh you clicked on the link? You're welcome.

This is why Bauer can't die: he will be cured (and probably given super powers) and convince the nation to embrace stem cell research.

If history and Rocky IV have taught us anything, it's that the American people don't latch on to moving political speeches or scientific evidence. They react to an actor embodying a political issue on screen in the form of a boxing match or terrorism.

Rocky IV and Stallone's "If I can change" speech helped melt the hard feelings from the Cold War. Bauer springing to life and kicking more ass thanks to stem cells will convince the rest of the country that such research is a good thing. I'm calling it now. Oh, the side effect? A glowing Dr. Manhattan-style, blue penis. It's bright and here to make you uncomfortable forever.

So Bauer's diagnosis of "Will die in 24 hours" has been elevated to "Slight chance of living." Only he refuses to talk to Kim. Apparently Rocky IV can only melt certain Cold Wars.