The Mysterious Case of Renee Walker

Renee Walker, thinking crazy thoughts

24 Season 8 Episode 3 and 4
6 p.m. to 8 p.m.
1.18.10

It seems the writer's of 24 have a dart board and on this dart board are various plots from past seasons that were their favorite. Tonight they hit "ironic torture of Jack," "villainous family member," and "hand gets cut off."

The product of placing the fate of this show to a game of chance means rehashed situations and the viewer feeling deja vu from time to time. It would almost be better for the writers to get some Colombian bam-bam and really stir some shit up.

Instead, we get Jack following up on a lead that brings him to a Queens basement where he is tortured for allegedly murdering a cop and his wife. He already had to drive to Queens and pay $100 for his street intel. If he was in the Bronx, he would have only had to pay $50. Or maybe just buy someone a hot dog.

So NYC cops take care of their own when they think someone has killed one of the city's boys in blue. I'm eagerly awaiting the Fox PSA about how NYC cops would never take the law into their own hands. I give it till the next episode.

But sometimes relying on actual evidence is bad too, as Brian "Bubba Gump" Hastings has proven. So far he sucks as managing his staff and connecting the dots of complicated political plots. What is he good at? Admitting he's wrong, covering up mistakes and using last-minute hires to head up an operation that could send international bad vibes if handled incorrectly.

And his new hires? Hot Agent Walker from last season and Jack "I'm not even supposed to be here today" Bauer. Only now Walker is like Bauer circa season 3 when he was hooked on the Colombian bam-bam. Yes, it all comes back to the bam-bam.

After meeting Jack 4 years ago, Walker has had the taste for torture and has been "going off-book" for fun. She doesn't want money. She wants to see terror in the eyes of men. She also wants to cut off thumbs.

With Jack's ax attack last night, we can now add lost thumb to the list of medieval fighting techniques. Next up should be either be a good round of eye-poking or the rarely used tickle torture (it's rarely used because 9 times out of 10, it just turns into an orgy. An awkward orgy.)

The White House is fairly more advanced. Instead of hand-to-hand combat, the politicians engaged in staring contests and attempt to psyche each other out by their emotional chiefs of freaking out.

Hassan's brother (who looks like the Bollywood version of Jason Schwartzman): You want us to do WHAT?

US Chief of Freaking Out Rob Weiss: I am FREAKING OUT man! This better be good! Everybody knows everything and I'm in a limo yelling into a phone. Aarrgh!

Neither character adds much to the show, though Bollywood Schwartzman gets an edge for his epic pen stabbing to the CTU drone (proving once more that drones can't protect against anything, be it missile launchers or pens bought from Staples).

It seems the brother was involved in a sale of nuclear weapons from the Russians, hence the hit on his brother via a Blackberry-rigged bomb under a manhole cover. I wonder if the Russians were pissed when they realized the blond journalist on the inside may have been a better way to kill President Hassan as opposed to the exploding manhole cover on the street.

Or maybe just sending in Walker Texas Chainsaw Massacre would have worked too. She was already a known operative in the Russian syndicate and could have at least chopped off Hassan's signing hand so no peace treaty could go forward.

But she's crazy and has been classified as "not ready" in Bauer's book of Those Allowed to Kick Ass. Jack's granddaughter also carries that same classification and will continue to do so until she gets her first knife at the age of 6.

Aside from her penchant for torture and the lack of moral compass, Jack's big clue probably came from the fact that Renee's undercover name was also Renee. Even drunken sorority girls in Vegas know you need a better cover than that to get away with lying.

Obvious statement of the week: From MPAT (Madame President Alison Taylor) "We only get betrayed by those we trust." Really? Did you know that guns can shoot bullets and that lactose intolerant kids shit after eating dairy?

Things I don't care about:

Faker Dana's potential evil/criminal past
Freddie Prinze Jr balancing CTU work and wedding planning
Arlo's hard-on for Fake Dana

Things I do care about:

The color Dana's hair was when she was "Jenny"
When Prinze Jr's character will say "There is a bomb...on this...bus"
How a guy named Arlo got anywhere in life without an acoustic guitar or a jug full of moonshine

Government cover-ups are hard, controlling the innocent is easy

24 Season 7 Episode 21
4 a.m. to 5 a.m.

Bauer, racially profiling you with one hand in his pocket.

CTU was up to its racial-profiling tricks again with Bauer checking every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse for a Muslim who may or may not have been a terrorist.

Another great CTU tradition was in effect as well, with Jack telling Chloe something personal and then growling at her to "Go back to work." Interestingly enough, he's already ordered that for his gravestone so when people visit him, they'll know the time they wasted would have been better spent racially profiling terrorists with the CTU servers of hate.

Too soon? Not for Bauer. He's already accepted his fate since his day has revolved around the seven stages of grief: shock ("Why did you call my daughter! That wasn't your call!"), denial ("Whatever you heard Renee, I didn't kill anyone!"), guilt ("I'm so sorry I got you in the middle of this"), anger ("Look at the picture?!?), depression ("I gave up on forgiving myself a long time ago") and acceptance ("There is no treatment. There is no cure. I stick things in my arm to feel better and play racial profiling games to improve my memory.")

And, as always, racial profiling proves that it works and this time was even sanctioned by the liberals (embodied in the pathetic gaze of the Janice). If Janice had her way, the FBI would have a six hour discussion on the best course of action, complete with pie charts and the collected works of Hank Williams playing in the background, only to read about what they should have done in next week's Time Magazine. And then bitch some more.

The servers turned up a 28-year-old Muslim man named Al-Zarian, who has a penchant for early breakfasts and acting like a terrorist when a gun is pointed at his brother's head. Actually, he's a little too good at playing the pissed-off Muslim role. Hmmm...

Everything is an effort to keep his brother safe (who DOES look Puerto Rican...are they even related?) and all Al-Zarian has to do is read a script from Evil Tony Almeida and pose for a home-made video.

We're starting to get more clues about the very bad things Tony did as a low-level criminal. Videotaping the Muslims...for shame Tony. For. Shame.

Though it may be a bad day for the brother of a would-be Muslim terrorist (who has yet to get breakfast by the way), it is perhaps worse for Chief of Leakage Olivia Taylor who is just as good at spilling the beans as she is at spreading her legs for unethical journalists in the mood to bump uglies late at night.

For $250,000 she can put away Jonas Hodges, the man she blames for the terrorists attacks, the murder of her brother and that time in the 6th grade when everyone laughed when she farted (whenever gas is used, Hodges is involved).

However, from her dramatic mouse scroll away from the "EXECUTE" button (what system allows double-meaning buttons on their system? It can't be Vista, unless that's Latin for suck and blow), we see Olivia does have a conscience and eventually rejects the payment to off the old man who is being set up with a new identity, torn away from his family and brought to a place where presumably no one will know his name.

If Hodges was a science teacher being crushed with a huge mortgage and in a loveless marriage, he'd be living the American dream.

But he's not. He's a powerful man who has built his name into someone who can smell attitude and throws files at closing doors.

Now he'll be Robert Tippit, an avid bowler who is affectionately called Beard Sauce by his friends because he likes to stroke his beard for the sauce that fell there while he was eating hot wings. He also likes exploding in cars.

Goodbye Hodges. I was going to post a picture of a surprised Jon Voight out of respect, but after googling "Hodges" I found this instead and was distracted for a good two minutes and forgot all about you. Then I found her MySpace page and remembered why I don't bother with my account on there anymore.

As for Olivia, she has found she's good at politically sabotaging herself as well and has the beginnings of a government cover-up on her hands. Do I care? Hardly.

How will Hodges face judgement in the next life? He'll be a beard covering the double chin of a female circus performer from Russia. That's right, Karma is ice cold.

Karma has also found a way to knock Jack down a couple of steps from the Grief scale by helping Chloe determine that the timestamps on the terrorist websites on Al-Zarian's computer were fake.

Rage ensues once more, with Bauer lamenting that he should have known an innocent man would be easier to control than an actual terrorist. Why? Because an innocent man is completely willing to buy into the terrorist health plan, which looks pretty attractive these days given the state of the current health care industry.

Bauer finds the staging area for Tony's Muslims Gone Wild video shoot, but is too late and can only witness a Puerto Rican-looking dude engaging in a personal jihad to some guy's throat.

The good news? Since learning that Bauer is on a suicide mission to save the world, America's 24-hour hero has finally received the respect and adoration of a Muslim leader.

The bad news? The attack is targeting a subway, which is probably meant to disrupt the morning commute in an effort to create an army of William Fosters, who will be a group of ordinary men at war with the everyday world (also known as journalists...Boston journalists to be exact).

The worse news? The war on climate change has a week off because of the absence of a 24 PSA on global warming.

Day 7 begins...in Bizarro World

8 a.m. to 10 a.m.
1.11.09

We've stepped into a new dimension where things appear familiar, save for a slight change. It's the same dimension you experience at high school reunions and when you name the stripper giving you a lapdance after an ex-girlfriend. You've been there before, and it feels wrong.

How different is bizarro 24? The above photo is now irrelevant.

In an effort to forget about the horrible season 6 the same way Rocky fans refrain from mentioning the name Tommy "Machine" Gunn, the show has brought back Tony Almeida, only this time he has more scruff and he likes to play chicken with commercial planes.

Yes, this is now bizarro 24, where things are completely different: Tony is bad, Jack answers questions and the phrase "Muslim terrorist" hasn't been mentioned once.

Oh and Chloe 2.0 is now an emotional Janeane Garofalo who is apparently honoring the character with an out-of-place purple shirt. Same quirky attitude...but with glasses.

But how is Tony back?

"EMTs picked him minutes after you last saw him Jack. Hours later you were in China. You never saw him dead."

That's FBI Agent Walker explaining the plothole with just enough vagueness for people to shrug their shoulders and say "eh, whatever." Her sister, Texas Ranger, would have done a better job, but she's busy teaching karate.

24 is now in Washington DC, which means no more sunglasses, no hot teenagers in revealing clothing and no CTU. Instead we get a suited-up Jack Bauer back from his African vacation to answer questions and endure being called a dumbass from this guy.

But Bauer has no regrets about torture. Nor does he have regrets about the following:

-sneezing after falling asleep in a bread bowl of chili
-going "commando" every day of his life
-buying a copy of "Stop or My Mom Will Shoot"

Oh and you know what else he doesn't regret? Not having a lawyer at his Senate hearing because nothing screams "I'm not crazy" than "What's the first question" with a squint of insanity.

Thankfully, the FBI needs Bauer and interrupt's Red Foreman's Congressional dumbass whipping for a matter of national security (read: they are out of ideas and have now cracked open the seldom-used bathroom suggestion box reserved for such occasions).

Bauer is needed because Tony "The Hoarse Whisperer" Almeida is the new "home-grown" terrorist in the US. Yes, he's the former CTU agent who allegedly died in Season 5 and who has now returned from the dead. Still don't believe it? Peer into Agent Walker's eyes of hotness to free yourself of reason so you can move on.

"Tony's back and I'm corporate hot. Deal with it."

Despite the FBI's overwhelming budget and advanced technology, they don't have the Bauer's "I'm people that know people" skill on the street. This is important because the national firewall is about to get Almeida'd and torn to bits.

Because the firewall protects everything from the power grid to the secret stash of twinkies, a breach in the system can potentially cause massive power outages, stop the production of clean water, and rioting in the street. It's good thing this can't be caused by anything else...right?

What's a firewall? It's a wall made of computer monitors displaying rotating balls of fire. I'm totally kidding. It's not that secure. A real firewall involves bits of code that protect network and internet systems. It's also something that apparently has to be constantly explained.

Homeland Security: "Madam President, the national firewall has been breached."

Rock-throwing Warden from The Shawshank Redemption: "That's a security system for various agencies and infrastructures around the country."

President Allison Taylor with a dropped jaw: "It's just technology! We should be able to just unplug the bastards! ARGH!"

The conduit of fear this season is technology and how this unseen beast rules everything in the world. Sure we want a safer world, but I better be able to update my Facebook status in the process.

Almeida kidnapped the dude who created this far-reaching national firewall and coersed him into making a device to hack it. He did this by threatening the dude with a low whisper, the same type of whisper people use when they discover velociraptors are in the room.

This leads Bauer and Walker to interrogate a tech guy who used to do off-the-book work for CTU. The F. B-following-the-law. I. agent is supposed to follow the law, but that is until she gets a wiff of the intoxicating Bauer Craziness that hits like an Axe-cologne for bored Federal agents who have affairs with their straight-as-an-arrow boss.

Walker: "Jack, you're coming with me and you're doing this my way." I've heard married women say the same thing at Chippendale shows.

Before long the "I'll keep him on a short leash" promise is replaced with the "Do whatever it takes" speech, essentially unleashing the Bauer in the seemingly strict No-Torture-Allowed city of DC, which is as stringent with that rule as most dog parks are about unleashed dogs.

Why does she do this? Because Bauer is the Marly of the counter-terrorism world. He rips sofas of search warrants and shits on lawns of bureaucracy. But you can't help but let him roam free because, at the end of the day, you enjoy the idea of having craziest dog at the park.

Bauer celebrates his freedom to torture by putting away his gun and grabbing the first thing he sees: a pen. Possibly to poke the dude's eye out or draw on his face. I can't decide which is worse.

And we'll never know, since Tony's thugs shoot the dude in the chest before he can give him up, which leads to Bauer speculating there is a mole in the FBI. Predictably, Walker gets pissed at the accusation and puts Bauer in a timeout, which is the same thing you do to a dog who barks too much.

Meanwhile, Tony has used the device to play Air Traffic Control and had two planes "nearly miss" each other on the runway. Nearly miss? Does that sound wrong to anyone else besides me and the late George Carlin?

Air Traffic Control informs the White House, who has its hands full with starting a war to end genocide as well as dealing with a possible crazy First Husband who may or may not be chasing a wild goose chase that his son was murdered.

War Against Genocide in the fictional Sangala = interested because Tony's device is connected with the Mad Men of Sangala

War Against sanity = eh (he thinks his son's former girlfriend was paid off to hide the murder and YAAAAAWWWNN)

Tony's shooter who took out the tech dude Jack was going to blind is now stuck in a building swarming with FBI. One agent finds him, only to reveal he's part of Tony's crew and gives shooter a jacket.

Jack, who just got an "I love your work man" comment from another Fed, gets out of the car and points out shooter because he's wearing different shoes than everyone else. See? In bizarro 24 it's fashion profiling instead of race. This also leads to less frivilous lawsuits in the court of public opinion.

BaWa (Bauer and Walker because now I'm tired and that word makes me laugh) tail shooter back to Tony, who has chosen a boat as his terrorist hideout. Within that boat, he picked the "Pilot House" as his place of refuge.

BaWa apprehend Tony thanks to the flying-bear-hug technique invented by the Ringling Bros, but perfected by the U.S. military. It's especially effective when you throw your gun away as you leap.

As Tony is taken into custody, Bauer stares his friend in the face and utters "What the hell happened to you?"

Here are your list of options from most likely to least likely of what happened to Tony:

-Evil robot: science made him half man, half robot, and all evil
-Grew his beard out, saw his came in the form of Terrorist Scruff and decided to run with it
-Got drunk in the Middle East, woke up a terrorist
-Watched "Die Hard 2" and "The Rock" one too many times and now can't decipher between the films and reality
-Found he was better at scaring people than saving them
-Needed to get paid
-Recruited by circus workers in Utah, woke up a terrorist
-Bought real estate in Sangala and is SUPER pissed about the downturn in the housing market
-Recruited by a secret government agency and working undercover.

Name of agency? UTC. It's bizarro world, remember?