24 in Africa: Special Forces, Asshats and Sideburns, oh my!

And so the new chapter of 24 begins in the fictional country of Sangala, which is close to Sanwater (great beaches) and Sanfood (they have everything else, including WiFi).

Here is the latest stop for Jack Bauer's personal Amazing Race, where he hops from location to location, running away from a piece of paper ordering him back to the States.

He was in India before (where his task was to choreograph the Bollywood film version of “The Notebook”) and now he’s in Africa working at a school where his Amazing Race challenge is “Keep Low Profile,” which is coupled with the harrowing “Load Truck” and the always difficult “Talk to Children.”

Ah, the children. Here in Africa, there are two types: the ones who play with guns and the ones who play with soccer balls. Sadly, the life expectancy is the same for both.

Colonel Benjamin Juma (played by the Candyman) is forming an army the old fashioned way: child soldiers armed with American guns. The goal? Take back the country…because when you don’t have anything valuable to export (diamonds, oil, pop star Rihanna), the only thing left to do is to overthrow the government.

The alternative? Playing soccer. Everyday. Without any nets in the goalposts. Ugh.

And because the country has nothing to offer, the U.S. doesn’t want to fiddle with it, which is explained poignantly by outgoing President Noah “When I drink before noon it’s only Jack” Daniels.

“It’s not our war,” he says to the new Madam President Allison Taylor (MPAT) who appears shocked to hear it with her strange haircut that exaggerates the size of her ears.

But she’s only shocked because she hasn’t been privy to the presidential “American Lessons” book. The phrase is under the chapter called “Vietnam.” Bush recently added the chapter “No-No Bad Things to Never Say in Public…Again” which has the phrases “Dead or Alive” and “Bring ‘em on.”

MPAT wants to avert genocide. Daniels calls her idealistic and says the best action is to pull out. In the multiple-choice test of life, “Pull Out” is answer C, which means half the time, you’re probably right.

Daniels also describes the U.S. presidency as something with “jagged edges and moving parts,” which makes it sound like an evil robot. Wait, I meant an evil, awesome robot.

But MPAT doesn’t agree (about the foreign policy. She’s down with evil awesome robots who will dance for her) and is now obsessed with Sangala and gets her husband (he looks smaller when close to her massive, sputnik-esque hair) to look into it. Actually all he does is phone a friend, so right now he’s a glorified assistant who’s allowed to joke with the president-elect.

Just as the transition is getting underway (or should we call it The Change?), Bauer is getting a visit from a Frank Trammel, a dude from the U.S. embassy with Bauer’s subpoena in his hand and some gnarly 1950s sideburns on his face (Women: he was on Ally McBeal -don't ask me who. Men: he's "Tommy" from the Shawshank Redemption).

Sideburns, who is also angry with himself for his choice in eye wear, yells at Carl and tells him to talk to Bauer.
“You were in the Special Forces together.”

I’m not entirely sure where the “Special Forces” falls in the military spectrum, but I’m sure it’s leaning toward the highly functioning end (a joke for all my behavioral bitches out there, working America’s hardest hitting classrooms).

After spending a tender moment with Special Forces Carl, Jack loads the truck and prepares to leave. Only he can’t. Africa won’t let him.

Colonel Candyman wants the child soldiers and has sent his lieutenants to grab them. They do so in jeeps and armed with machine guns. One wears a pair of red sunglasses as a piece of flare. He must be tough since no one gives him shit about it.

Soon word gets back to the Special Forces Carl’s school that the lieutenants are coming, forcing Jack to yell and stand guard as a one-man army yielding a pistol and a bag full of dynamite (wait, this was a school, right?).

A UN representative briefly entertained the idea of “talking” with the General’s forces armed only with a helmet and a pretentious attitude.

“Save your helmet for the parade. Hide in the shelter with the other children” is Jack Bauer’s stance on the UN, the group that remains neutral in world affairs by “looking the other way.”

Jack shoots people with a pistol. Out runs machine-gun fire. Dives away from a rocket launcher. Throws multiple sticks of dynamite. In a matter of five minutes, the school that probably took Special Forces Carl ten years to build is gone.

Soon Jack is running away into the nearby jungle and surprisingly employs the run-off-the-path-and-hide-in-a-tree tactic that allows him to jump on top of his enemies. I did that same thing when I played Manhunt as a kid and at least I had the good taste to hum Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Run Through The Jungle” while I did such a pedestrian move.

Unfortunately, there aren’t enough trees in Africa for Bauer to surprise-jump from and is eventually taken captive where is tortured with a hot machete (I’m copyrighting that name to be used as a future pop band made up of teenage Brazilian girls...dammit, the term is already out there) and asked to reveal the secret hiding place of the children who will eventually be kids with guns (how many song titles can I get into this?)

Special Forces Carl, who is hiding in the brush up ahead, uses a mirror to flash “Dude, fake cry” in Morse code. Since what happens in African villages stays in African villages, Jack does so. After Special Forces Carl kills the henchmen, Bauer kills the lieutenant…with his legs.

It’s decided the children must be taken away, which means a trip to the U.S. embassy. UN guy hears this and, according to the UN code, runs away. Neutrality = fleeing from everything. Extra points if you flee with the helmet on.

As the group makes it way through the jungle, the audience is introduced to hour two of the 24 movie.

This hour was filled with a subplot about a cokehead named Chris and the MPAT’s son “Rodge” (street name for Roger) who has a penchant for office romances and drugs.

It was also full of commercials from various retailers pleading with the U.S. consumer to come back, the same way the really needy girl begs you to meet her at Applebee’s because the two of you “shared a moment” at a bar that time.

Cokehead Chris is freaking out and it’s not just the pills. He fears he’s been a tool for financing terrorism and tells his only friend, Rodge, the newly president’s son.

Sadly the Cokehead is right and soon political thugs show up at his swanky apartment (equipped with catalog furniture, advanced computer system and a touchtone phone).

The thugs have brought duct tape and a newspaper. Apparently this is enough to torture the Cokehead, who ends up dead. But thanks to his freakout, Rodge is now a person of interest to the shadow government, led by Jon Voight and his condescending stares.

(Commercial Break: 24 cares about malaria. Why don't you?)

Special Forces Carl has stepped on a landmine. I could go on for hours how this happened thanks to the annoying Willy kid running back to grab a dropped scarf, but I frankly don’t have the energy or the will to bag on a kid.

Bauer tries to find the “kill switch” (yay irony!), but Special Forces Carl uses his Special Forces heart to tell Jack to walk away and save the children.

Jack reluctantly agrees and as Special Forces Carl lures the advancing enemy to him, he steps off the bomb and blows everyone up. Willy asks what the sound was. Bauer cries real tears. I yell at Willy through the television that it’s his fault. Willy doesn’t hear me and clutches onto his scarf even harder.

After a quick shootout and a faceoff with a child soldier (who was taught that “killing cockroaches” is the same as “killing white people”) Bauer is forced to deliver a “Mr. Benton” speech to Willy, who’s only real talent is turning around and running away (he’s got aspirations for the UN when he grows up).

Mr. Benton is Special Forces Carl. He’s dead now, so show some respect.

At the embassy, Bauer is faced with Sideburns again. The issue of the subpoena looms in the air, which forces Bauer to make a deal to turn himself in to save the children from being “cannon fodder” and “being butched in soccer stadiums.”
Dude, the kids are right there and not everyone is getting out. Inside voices, please.

Before he’s taken away, Bauer gives Sideburns one long hard stare and mentally adds him to his ever-growing “Asshats” list, which will supply him the perfect amount of rage for this.

See you in January for 24 in DC with evil Tony.