5 a.m. to 7 a.m.
5.22.2006
The first twenty minutes of episode one had no commercials and barely any time to breathe. The Russian sub had been taken over, the missiles were being aimed at "high density areas (which had to be Red Light Distracts and crack houses at this hour), and the Alliance (Bauer and Anti-Bauer) were preparing to stop the attack.
With no one else en route, the Alliance had to rely on a "petty officer" (minority) who survived the gas attack. He was an engineer and, like others in his field, had to be given a step-by-step tutorial on how to kill a man.
1. Find weapon
2. Get mad
3. Put weapon in "good" hand
4. Sneak up on bad man
5. Stay mad
6. Grab head. Be sure to maintain same level of rage
7. Slit throat/vocal chords so he can't scream
8. If you miss throat, increase rage and start stabbing repetitively
Bauer wrote "Kill anything in 3.5 seconds for Dummies," so he's good at teaching people how to kill. When not working, Bauer volunteers at children's hospitals and entertains them by passing out free copies of his book and doing a quick demonstration. From what I hear from the cancer kids, he's a big hit, especially when he takes down an angry clown.
The Alliance entered the sub just as Warlock punched in the codes to annihilate most of San Francisco, probably because gay marriage creeps him out. Anti-Bauer worked on shutting down the launch as Bauer and the CTU drone hunt for the rest of Warlock's men.
CTU drone does his job by getting killed and exposing the enemy. After melting a guy's face to a pipe, Bauer wrestles with Warlock and even takes a wrench to the head without getting knocked out (That makes sense. Wrenches aren't concussion inducing at all).
Bauer eventually kills him with his "monkey technique" by hanging on a pipe and snapping Warlock's neck with his feet. He usually does monkey sounds. I don't know why he didn't this time. Oh right, he was hit with a wrench.
The launch has been stopped and the Alliance is now broken. Anti-Bauer wanted a new life and to disappear. But Bauer was never going to let him go. Bauer never even gave him a loaded gun. The gun was loaded with pain and anguish, which does hurt a great deal, but it doesn't completely kill a man. However, a bullet to the throat can.
With Anti-Bauer dead, Bauer is now focused on taking out another enemy: Logan. If Bauer has time, he'll take out his other nemesis: the tenacious beaver that constantly knocks over his trash cans at his summer cabin. Even after 100 rounds into the bushes and a controlled fire, that damn beaver continues to live.
Naturally, he needs help and calls Scowl-Face for a favor. He wants some field equipment modified. He also wants her to feed his goldfish "Hacksaw" since he won't be returning to CTU.
There's always a surprise at the end of a 24 season and since it began with a sexy secret from Scowl-Face, it's fitting it ended with another guy she had sex with (which brings the official count to two and giving hope to computer nerds everywhere).
Scowl-Face was married and now that guy sells woman's shoes in Beverly Hills. Even more shocking is that the guy is witty, charming, and seems like the type who would hang out in hotel bars to pick up lonely woman. Only instead of buying them a drink, he shows them how big his hard-drive is ("Two hundred gigs in the palm of your hand?! Who are you?").
His name is Morris O'Brien and since he was the one that gave Scowl-Face her last name, I can only assume he's also the one that gave her that lovable attitude, probably by having cybersex with Scowl-Face's mortal Internet enemy, HottieBigBoobs18. Don't let the number fool you. She's really 34 and she's not that hot. She just knows how to type vulgar words really fast.
And a shoe salesman? For reals? Couldn't he find something more respectable like working at a movie theater or sweeping up elephant crap at the zoo? Maybe the divorce with Scowl-Face was so horrible that a life in retail was the only way for him to get rid of the pain. Or maybe he just digs feet.
Crazytown has brought Novick on board by telling him she's "more sober…and sane" than she's ever been. Finally, after 23 hours, the drugs have kicked in. She must have Medicare. If only she had Canadian healthcare and access to weed, Mother Nature's painkiller.
With Novick, Crazytown, and Aaron working together, they have formed the trifecta of truth. They are like the Mod Squad for the middle-aged and criminally insane. Crazytown flaps her arms and yells, Novick tries to talk people out of things, and Aaron shoots people. They also perform karaoke together on Friday nights.
Logan is on his way to see Palmer's body shipped to Virginia and is in a hurry. He has to be stalled so Bauer can sneak on the presidential helicopter. Crazytown is sent in and after trying to distract Logan with an apology and her feelings, she lures him into her love trap by giving him the green light to pounce on her.
Nasty, weird, 5 a.m. sex was just enough for Bauer to change places with the co-pilot and get on the plane. Logan, after doing a five-minute hump, gets on the helicopter with the secret service and the mission is on.
If the power of Bauer isn't enough to compel Logan to confess, Bauer is determined to take it "as far as I have to" to make things right. That either means torture or taking off his pants.
Inside an abandoned printing press facility (the new American ghost town since no one reads newspapers anymore), Bauer handcuffed Logan to a pipe and patted him down for weapons. Bauer finds a cell phone, a pen, a speech, and a very erect penis thanks to a Vigara-Cialis cocktail. Morris showed up earlier to give Bauer a case of CTU goodies.
I expected torture, maybe even some nose pulling and gun poking in the eye. Instead, we got Bauer yelling about how he's lost everything good in his life (what about Scowl-Face? Sheryl Crow? His Freedom Satchel??) and him counting to three while aiming a gun at Logan's head.
Logan: "You can't do this Bauer. You love the country too much."
It was true. Just like his love for heroin, Bauer's love for his country was too strong to ignore and he was unable to pull the trigger, allowing him to be detained and Logan set free.
Before Logan gets to her, Novick informed Crazytown that Bauer was unable to extract anything from Logan. This was her cue to go crazy and to start screaming "murderer" and "limp dick" for everyone to hear. Personally, I'd rather be known as a killer instead of a guy who couldn't get it up, but that's just me.
Crazytown ran into a hanger and yelled about all the bad things Logan has done throughout the day. Logan yelled about how he was used for sex. I yelled at the television because I wanted Bauer to fall from the ceiling with a gun or bust through a wall wearing the Duffman costume from the Simpsons and yelling "Duffman! Oh yea! Busted!"
But no. None of that happened and Logan left to give a speech about how he's had a crappy but awesome day all at the same time. The speech had the same kind of misguided enthusiasm as a banner screaming "Mission Accomplished" would have had.
Back at CTU 2.0, Scowl-Face has got the Attorney General on the phone again (that's twice he's been bothered by the same agency. If it happens a third time in the same day, he's within his rights to burn that agency to the ground).
K Hay and Old Man Buchanan are super pissed until they hear Recording 2.0, this time in enhanced surround sound. The device was hidden in Logan's pen and was enough to bring Logan down and bring an end to Bauer's long day of mayhem. Bauer fooled us all.
The day is over and just like the last day of school before summer vacation, the atmosphere is filled with horny anticipation and tears. Old Man Buchanan, feeling pretty confident with his Cialis pills in his belly (good for 36 hours so you can bang on your time, not the pills) muster's up the courage to ask K Hay to breakfast. She says no, but takes a raincheck, which really means she wants to bang in the parking lot (woman can sense a man with a belly full of Cialis).
Scowl-Face shared an emotional moment with a picture of her and Edgar. They are both smiling, probably because it was taken at the annual CTU picnic. Morris put his hand around her and brings her away, most likely to buy her a new pair of shoes.
As for Bauer and Sheryl Crow, they have a moment together on the street in the warm LA morning sun. But, as always, the two of them ruin their chances by saying things like "Everything's gonna be all right" and "Be right back." Those are death statements and should only be uttered in horror movies and in the uncharted forests of Maine.
Just when I think the season will end happily, the Chinese show up and ruin everything. They took Bauer away and beat the crap out of him. They are still pissed from Season 4 (Whatever. They are always pissed) and want to bring Bauer back to China for a good caning and a life of torture.
It's that same Chinese bastard that reminds me of my dad from last season. And, just like pops, he shows up randomly to ruin your life.
So as Sheryl Crow screams frantically for her man, Bauer is hauled off in a ship bound for China, beat up, bruised and with only one eye open. He's on his way for what will undoubtedly be the worst day of his life, because no matter how bad an American day is, life is always ten times worse in China. Mostly because they lack a sense of humor.
See you in 2K7…
5.23.2006
5.16.2006
The Politics of Survival
4 a.m. to 5 a.m.
5.15.06
The recording, the main focus for about five episodes, was deemed worthless because it was empty. Five episodes down the drain because Miles, the evil mole, used Homeland Security voodoo to erase whatever was on the recording.
Actually, according to the episode guide on the 24 website, the Evil Mole used a "black device" that he placed next to the recording. I don't know what the "black device" is and feel more comfortable calling it "voodoo" until I hear otherwise. That's not true. I call any black inanimate object "voodoo."
Bauer is also pissed that five episodes were wasted. He stormed into the main area with a guard following and calling out "Mr. Bauer" to try to stop him from grabbing Evil Mole by the neck.
Bauer's reaction: turning around and punching said CTU guard in the gut
Reason: That's how Bauer says "Leave me alone." Ask Kim. She used to get punched in the gut all the time.
Evil Mole did it to gain entrance in the hallowed halls of the White House, where he can put his evil schemes to work for the most corrupt government in the world. He just wants to join the party.
With the recording gone, Logan has dismissed the charges on Bauer, thanks to new evidence he obtained from the Presidential Ouija Board, which is how most lawmakers make big decisions. Rumor has it, it's how Bush decided to let go of the "Catch and Release" plan for illegal immigrants and switching it to "Operation Open Arms." As predicted, each new citizen will be given a copy of Journey's Greatest Hits with an American flag.
Logan is also trying to tie up loose ends, which means finding Aaron, the Sentinel, and seeing if he's cool with what went on today. Since he went missing, Aaron has apparently been tortured, either by being beaten or by being force-fed blood. Both suck hard.
Logan: "So in exchange for your silence, I'll transfer you to whatever post you want. Except Hawaii."
The Sentinel: "You are a traitor and a disgrace to this office. Is that it…Charles?"
Logan: "…You really wanted Hawaii, didn't you?"
Logan should be worried. Secret Service agents only use first names with drinking buddies and dead men. Logan is in danger of being the latter. Because of the outburst of subordination, Logan gives the glance of death (it's not as long as the look of death, but just as effective) and the Secret Service drone goes back to kill the Sentinel.
As the drone brings the Sentinel into the garage, Crazytown shows up. She was trying to kill herself on a smoke break because she couldn't get the child protective cap off her bottle of Kill Pills.
She sees her beloved Sentinel and shoots the drone after he gets kicked in the leg. Crazytown and the Sentinel share a moment in the dirty garage. If the Sentinel hadn't been tortured, they probably would have gotten it on…which is all Crazytown is looking for. Dirty sex with a man instead of the boring weepy sex she has with Logan.
Instead of sex, the Sentinel doing something else that's just as fun. He's implementing the Bauer Plan, which is to convince everyone that you're dead, hide in a closet, and jump out at the appropriate time, preferably in the middle of a sneeze. No one likes being surprised, especially in mid-sneeze. They hurt more that way.
But there's a new threat and until that is taken care of, no one can have sex (except Bauer. He has sex whenever he wants). Warlock has escaped and has a secondary terrorist strike. It involves one last death can, but instead of using it to kill people, he's using it to commandeer a Russian submarine capable of launching warheads into a city.
Just as Alec Baldwin said in "Hunt for the Red October," this type of situation is "Not good." (This is Alec Baldwin. I didn't say that. And my ex wife is a slut-bag whore who sucks in bed. I'm talking Fran Drescher bad)
There were no satellites or drunken witnesses to Warlock's escape, so CTU 2.0 (now back in the old office) has no leads to go on, forcing them to cut a deal with Anti-Bauer for information on Warlock.
"NO! NO! NO!"
That was Bauer. He doesn't even want to see it written in the blog. The only thing that convinces him to deal with Anti-Bauer is Old Man Buchanan playing the "What Would David Palmer Do?" card.
"ARGH! You're right. That bastard would have wanted to protect the country. But I want to kill. Right now."
Settle down Bauer. It'll come in due time. Anti-Bauer is hanging out in the Bauer Playpen. He knows they want to offer him a deal of immunity, but he doesn't want that. He wants to use the Bauer Plan, which is to disappear completely and live off the grid. It's now one of the more attractive options for retirement.
Anti-Bauer: "I want to take my wife and disappear like you did to avoid the Chinese. Only I'll be smarter. I'll leave the country and I won't order take-out all the time."
Bauer: "I had a coupon dammit. It was going to expire."
Anti-Bauer: "Those chicken wings have made you weak, my son."
This is what Anti-Bauer calls the Politics of Survival and, apparently, it's how the world really works. Through some extensive research (drank more beer), I discovered the major points in the Politics of Survival
1. Use Terrorism: Either for good or evil. Whoever gets killed wasn't meant to survive
2. Torture Cleanses the Soul: Works better than coffee and a bran muffin
3. Disappear at the End of the Day: This is "personal time." Use it wisely
4. Record your Conversations: To be used as blackmail. Also to hear the majesty of your voice
Bauer eventually agrees to the deal, but only if he gets Warlock's head on a plate. Not only has he had a long day, but he's pretty hungry. He usually prefers garnish, but under the circumstances, he'll take it as is.
This leads to the Alliance, Bauer and Anti-Bauer working as one, despite the fact they distrust each other completely and possess no feelings of camaraderie. The Alliance comes forth with 14 names of people Warlock would contact. Only one has a cell phone and is on the Cingular Wireless plan, which means he knows technology and he can't be trusted (no one with Cingular can be trusted).
His name is Molina and he is the Tech God. He has the latest version of Firefox, the best firewalls in the business, and never buys music, movies or porn. Why can't Scowl Face find a guy like this?
In fact, his firewall (Phoenix Shield) is so good, that if you try to hack into it, it blows up your computer and kicks your dog in the face. If you don't have a dog, it finds the nearest dog in the area. Tech God hates dogs.
The Alliance shows up at Molina's and Anti-Bauer is going in. As he steps into the Tech God cave, he immediately sells out Bauer and CTU by saying that he's been sent there to bring him in and that Tech God should erase everything he has. This upsets Bauer (remember, he's hungry. Still wants Warlock's head on a plate) and he sends his men in.
Curtis gets hit (let's hope it was a personality bullet) and the entire place is raided. Anti-Bauer shakes his head.
Anti-Bauer: "I had him. Thirty more seconds and I would have had him."
Bauer: "You had nothing."
Anti-Bauer: "Dude, the firewall was down. You had your chance to sneak a peek. Now it's gone. Loser."
Anti-Bauer was right. Like a teenage girl using no using birth control, Tech God's computer was wide open and susceptible to unwanted penetration. Bauer, blinded by his own rage, made a mistake. And now he wants to kill Anti-Bauer even more. No one fools Bauer and definitely not twice in a 24-hour period.
It doesn't matter. Warlock gets to the Russian Sub, AKA The Widowmaker, and releases his one last death can into its belly. This should have been the plan all along. Everyone knows it's a lot more fun to launch missiles into the air than releasing gas. It's like launching spitballs instead of farting. Both are fun, but where spitballs hit a certain target, farting can hurt you too.
5.15.06
The recording, the main focus for about five episodes, was deemed worthless because it was empty. Five episodes down the drain because Miles, the evil mole, used Homeland Security voodoo to erase whatever was on the recording.
Actually, according to the episode guide on the 24 website, the Evil Mole used a "black device" that he placed next to the recording. I don't know what the "black device" is and feel more comfortable calling it "voodoo" until I hear otherwise. That's not true. I call any black inanimate object "voodoo."
Bauer is also pissed that five episodes were wasted. He stormed into the main area with a guard following and calling out "Mr. Bauer" to try to stop him from grabbing Evil Mole by the neck.
Bauer's reaction: turning around and punching said CTU guard in the gut
Reason: That's how Bauer says "Leave me alone." Ask Kim. She used to get punched in the gut all the time.
Evil Mole did it to gain entrance in the hallowed halls of the White House, where he can put his evil schemes to work for the most corrupt government in the world. He just wants to join the party.
With the recording gone, Logan has dismissed the charges on Bauer, thanks to new evidence he obtained from the Presidential Ouija Board, which is how most lawmakers make big decisions. Rumor has it, it's how Bush decided to let go of the "Catch and Release" plan for illegal immigrants and switching it to "Operation Open Arms." As predicted, each new citizen will be given a copy of Journey's Greatest Hits with an American flag.
Logan is also trying to tie up loose ends, which means finding Aaron, the Sentinel, and seeing if he's cool with what went on today. Since he went missing, Aaron has apparently been tortured, either by being beaten or by being force-fed blood. Both suck hard.
Logan: "So in exchange for your silence, I'll transfer you to whatever post you want. Except Hawaii."
The Sentinel: "You are a traitor and a disgrace to this office. Is that it…Charles?"
Logan: "…You really wanted Hawaii, didn't you?"
Logan should be worried. Secret Service agents only use first names with drinking buddies and dead men. Logan is in danger of being the latter. Because of the outburst of subordination, Logan gives the glance of death (it's not as long as the look of death, but just as effective) and the Secret Service drone goes back to kill the Sentinel.
As the drone brings the Sentinel into the garage, Crazytown shows up. She was trying to kill herself on a smoke break because she couldn't get the child protective cap off her bottle of Kill Pills.
She sees her beloved Sentinel and shoots the drone after he gets kicked in the leg. Crazytown and the Sentinel share a moment in the dirty garage. If the Sentinel hadn't been tortured, they probably would have gotten it on…which is all Crazytown is looking for. Dirty sex with a man instead of the boring weepy sex she has with Logan.
Instead of sex, the Sentinel doing something else that's just as fun. He's implementing the Bauer Plan, which is to convince everyone that you're dead, hide in a closet, and jump out at the appropriate time, preferably in the middle of a sneeze. No one likes being surprised, especially in mid-sneeze. They hurt more that way.
But there's a new threat and until that is taken care of, no one can have sex (except Bauer. He has sex whenever he wants). Warlock has escaped and has a secondary terrorist strike. It involves one last death can, but instead of using it to kill people, he's using it to commandeer a Russian submarine capable of launching warheads into a city.
Just as Alec Baldwin said in "Hunt for the Red October," this type of situation is "Not good." (This is Alec Baldwin. I didn't say that. And my ex wife is a slut-bag whore who sucks in bed. I'm talking Fran Drescher bad)
There were no satellites or drunken witnesses to Warlock's escape, so CTU 2.0 (now back in the old office) has no leads to go on, forcing them to cut a deal with Anti-Bauer for information on Warlock.
"NO! NO! NO!"
That was Bauer. He doesn't even want to see it written in the blog. The only thing that convinces him to deal with Anti-Bauer is Old Man Buchanan playing the "What Would David Palmer Do?" card.
"ARGH! You're right. That bastard would have wanted to protect the country. But I want to kill. Right now."
Settle down Bauer. It'll come in due time. Anti-Bauer is hanging out in the Bauer Playpen. He knows they want to offer him a deal of immunity, but he doesn't want that. He wants to use the Bauer Plan, which is to disappear completely and live off the grid. It's now one of the more attractive options for retirement.
Anti-Bauer: "I want to take my wife and disappear like you did to avoid the Chinese. Only I'll be smarter. I'll leave the country and I won't order take-out all the time."
Bauer: "I had a coupon dammit. It was going to expire."
Anti-Bauer: "Those chicken wings have made you weak, my son."
This is what Anti-Bauer calls the Politics of Survival and, apparently, it's how the world really works. Through some extensive research (drank more beer), I discovered the major points in the Politics of Survival
1. Use Terrorism: Either for good or evil. Whoever gets killed wasn't meant to survive
2. Torture Cleanses the Soul: Works better than coffee and a bran muffin
3. Disappear at the End of the Day: This is "personal time." Use it wisely
4. Record your Conversations: To be used as blackmail. Also to hear the majesty of your voice
Bauer eventually agrees to the deal, but only if he gets Warlock's head on a plate. Not only has he had a long day, but he's pretty hungry. He usually prefers garnish, but under the circumstances, he'll take it as is.
This leads to the Alliance, Bauer and Anti-Bauer working as one, despite the fact they distrust each other completely and possess no feelings of camaraderie. The Alliance comes forth with 14 names of people Warlock would contact. Only one has a cell phone and is on the Cingular Wireless plan, which means he knows technology and he can't be trusted (no one with Cingular can be trusted).
His name is Molina and he is the Tech God. He has the latest version of Firefox, the best firewalls in the business, and never buys music, movies or porn. Why can't Scowl Face find a guy like this?
In fact, his firewall (Phoenix Shield) is so good, that if you try to hack into it, it blows up your computer and kicks your dog in the face. If you don't have a dog, it finds the nearest dog in the area. Tech God hates dogs.
The Alliance shows up at Molina's and Anti-Bauer is going in. As he steps into the Tech God cave, he immediately sells out Bauer and CTU by saying that he's been sent there to bring him in and that Tech God should erase everything he has. This upsets Bauer (remember, he's hungry. Still wants Warlock's head on a plate) and he sends his men in.
Curtis gets hit (let's hope it was a personality bullet) and the entire place is raided. Anti-Bauer shakes his head.
Anti-Bauer: "I had him. Thirty more seconds and I would have had him."
Bauer: "You had nothing."
Anti-Bauer: "Dude, the firewall was down. You had your chance to sneak a peek. Now it's gone. Loser."
Anti-Bauer was right. Like a teenage girl using no using birth control, Tech God's computer was wide open and susceptible to unwanted penetration. Bauer, blinded by his own rage, made a mistake. And now he wants to kill Anti-Bauer even more. No one fools Bauer and definitely not twice in a 24-hour period.
It doesn't matter. Warlock gets to the Russian Sub, AKA The Widowmaker, and releases his one last death can into its belly. This should have been the plan all along. Everyone knows it's a lot more fun to launch missiles into the air than releasing gas. It's like launching spitballs instead of farting. Both are fun, but where spitballs hit a certain target, farting can hurt you too.
5.09.2006
Landing Gears: Catalysts of Confusion
3 a.m. to 4 a.m.
5.8.06
I thought he was dead. He took a nose dive off the road and landed upside down, but now Curtis is saying that Papa Heller is alive and recovering.
Curtis: "It's good news."
No it's not. It’s horrible news. That means the funniest death of the season doesn't even count anymore (it used to rival the CTU security guard taking a big gasp of infected air, saying "we're going to be ok!" and slumping over in a slobbery mess).
Apparently Papa Heller had the same Marine training as David Blaine, who is still trying to find a creative way to die (I really thought he had a winner this time).
With the car filled with water, Papa held his breath, probably roamed around the car for loose change, and then swam up to the surface. He was eventually picked up by one of Curtis' teams who got lost on the way to the In and Out burger for a late night snack.
After hours of running around doing grunt work, Cutis finally has an assignment: Bring Jack Bauer into CTU. He's had this mission before and he sucks at it. If you can't drive a man back to a certain building, you aren't even qualified to be a taxi driver, let alone be allowed to carry a gun.
Graham Cracker, Logan's go-to guy, has faked a VCI signal that basically tells anyone with a radio that the hi-jacked plane is now being turned into a missile. There are other signals like MCI, which means the pilot is frustrated and in a bad mood and TNA, which means the pilot wants a cup of coffee and a blowjob.
Logan doesn't want to shoot the plane out of the sky, but Graham Cracker reminds him of prison and how much it sucks getting ass-rammed by a man named Bubba in the joint. So for the good of the country, Logan decides to sacrifice Bauer and 50 innocent people because he still hasn't hit his presidential quota for deaths in a day (it's at least 70. If he hits 100, he gets a special t-shirt from Homeland Security that says "Gacy Ain't got Shit on Me")
Novick is troubled by everything, but has gotten softer in his old age. Instead of bickering with the president, he resorts to engaging Logan in staring contests. When Logan isn't around, Novick just stares at the floor, looking for answers and eventually wondering if he should buy new shoes.
CTU 2.0 has now moved to a conference room within CTU 1.0 and is housing Old Man Buchanan, Scowl Face, and K Hay. Creepy Miles doesn't like being out of the loop and calls K Hay from the floor demanding to know what's going on. Scowl Face and Old Man say it's a bad idea, but K Hay sees Miles as a loyal dog and feels she needs to tell him.
She brings him into the CTU halls of truth (truth can't be exposed on the main floor. It turns into folklore within seconds) and lays everything on him. Miles freaks out, but eventually agrees to keep things moving slowly.
Bauer has his gun to the pilot and only yells at him. Since Air Bauer is about to be shot down, they find a landing area that is around 5,000 feet, which happens to be freeway 118.
Pilot: "That's not long enough."
Bauer: "That's what she said…NOW FLY THE DAMN PLANE!" (ah the Bauer wit).
The military is trained to react to all sorts of different situations. But when they see landing gears, everyone starts freaking out.
F18: "The plane is in target. I have missile lock. Whoa! The landing gear is down! What's going on?! This doesn't look good. Nah, it doesn't look good at all."
Logan: "You take that shot! It doesn't get any prettier than that!"
F18: "I'll take the shot when I'm goddamn good and ready!" (cue "Danger Zone"…now)
Is it gonna land? Are they fucking with us? What is up with those landing gears? Essentially, it means that if you fire on a plane with landing gears, you are shooting a plane that could have been landing. It could have also been heading toward a residential neighborhood and felt that landing gears could cause more damage.
Despite all the last minute confusion, the plane lands on freeway 118 safely, without crashing into anything (boo!). With everyone running out the back, Bauer decides to live out a childhood fantasy and escape from the side of the plane and sliding off the wing (weeee!).
Curtis finally doesn't something right and pulls around the area where Bauer is hiding. The Marines are too focused on making sure people aren't falling off the ass-part of the plane to notice a man with a Freedom Satchel running across the runway and leaping over a fence.
When a person is still awake past 3 a.m. they either become hungry or suicidal. Since Bauer has the recording back at CTU with the Attorney General awaiting to hear it, Logan has figured that the best option for him is to blast his head off with the presidential suicide gun (it's silver, shiny, and each of the bullets are engraved with the word "Nixon").
But before he offs himself, he figures he should talk to Crazytown, to remind himself just how much life would suck if he stuck around. He also needs a drink, partly for courage and partly because all dead men deserve one last meal. I personally would have been thinking Arby's in that situation.
Again, Bauer and Sheryl Crow think it's safe again to share a lifetime moment where he sits on the end of her bed and kisses her kneecap. She smiles and he fondles her leg some more. Romantic Bauer freaks me out.
As always, their happiness is premature because in the midst of the love there is hate growing. And that hate is in the bowels of Warlock, who has woken up from his nap (he apparently slept on only the left side of his body) and is now being transferred by CTU drones and one friend truck driver. What evil schemes does Warlock have planned and, more importantly, do they involve a potato gun? I'm assuming they must since he's all out of weapons and men.
Logan is about to implant the Nixon bullet into his brain when he hears the phone ring and it distracts him. Logan likes loud sounds and after being told the call is about Bauer, is compelled to pick it up.
On the other end is Creepy Miles, pledging allegiance to the president in the hope of getting a better job in the future, or at least a better desk. Creepy now plans to use his powers of creepiness to gain presidential favor and allows Logan to save his Nixon bullet for another day. It also gives Logan another chance to get some late-night Arby's.
5.8.06
I thought he was dead. He took a nose dive off the road and landed upside down, but now Curtis is saying that Papa Heller is alive and recovering.
Curtis: "It's good news."
No it's not. It’s horrible news. That means the funniest death of the season doesn't even count anymore (it used to rival the CTU security guard taking a big gasp of infected air, saying "we're going to be ok!" and slumping over in a slobbery mess).
Apparently Papa Heller had the same Marine training as David Blaine, who is still trying to find a creative way to die (I really thought he had a winner this time).
With the car filled with water, Papa held his breath, probably roamed around the car for loose change, and then swam up to the surface. He was eventually picked up by one of Curtis' teams who got lost on the way to the In and Out burger for a late night snack.
After hours of running around doing grunt work, Cutis finally has an assignment: Bring Jack Bauer into CTU. He's had this mission before and he sucks at it. If you can't drive a man back to a certain building, you aren't even qualified to be a taxi driver, let alone be allowed to carry a gun.
Graham Cracker, Logan's go-to guy, has faked a VCI signal that basically tells anyone with a radio that the hi-jacked plane is now being turned into a missile. There are other signals like MCI, which means the pilot is frustrated and in a bad mood and TNA, which means the pilot wants a cup of coffee and a blowjob.
Logan doesn't want to shoot the plane out of the sky, but Graham Cracker reminds him of prison and how much it sucks getting ass-rammed by a man named Bubba in the joint. So for the good of the country, Logan decides to sacrifice Bauer and 50 innocent people because he still hasn't hit his presidential quota for deaths in a day (it's at least 70. If he hits 100, he gets a special t-shirt from Homeland Security that says "Gacy Ain't got Shit on Me")
Novick is troubled by everything, but has gotten softer in his old age. Instead of bickering with the president, he resorts to engaging Logan in staring contests. When Logan isn't around, Novick just stares at the floor, looking for answers and eventually wondering if he should buy new shoes.
CTU 2.0 has now moved to a conference room within CTU 1.0 and is housing Old Man Buchanan, Scowl Face, and K Hay. Creepy Miles doesn't like being out of the loop and calls K Hay from the floor demanding to know what's going on. Scowl Face and Old Man say it's a bad idea, but K Hay sees Miles as a loyal dog and feels she needs to tell him.
She brings him into the CTU halls of truth (truth can't be exposed on the main floor. It turns into folklore within seconds) and lays everything on him. Miles freaks out, but eventually agrees to keep things moving slowly.
Bauer has his gun to the pilot and only yells at him. Since Air Bauer is about to be shot down, they find a landing area that is around 5,000 feet, which happens to be freeway 118.
Pilot: "That's not long enough."
Bauer: "That's what she said…NOW FLY THE DAMN PLANE!" (ah the Bauer wit).
The military is trained to react to all sorts of different situations. But when they see landing gears, everyone starts freaking out.
F18: "The plane is in target. I have missile lock. Whoa! The landing gear is down! What's going on?! This doesn't look good. Nah, it doesn't look good at all."
Logan: "You take that shot! It doesn't get any prettier than that!"
F18: "I'll take the shot when I'm goddamn good and ready!" (cue "Danger Zone"…now)
Is it gonna land? Are they fucking with us? What is up with those landing gears? Essentially, it means that if you fire on a plane with landing gears, you are shooting a plane that could have been landing. It could have also been heading toward a residential neighborhood and felt that landing gears could cause more damage.
Despite all the last minute confusion, the plane lands on freeway 118 safely, without crashing into anything (boo!). With everyone running out the back, Bauer decides to live out a childhood fantasy and escape from the side of the plane and sliding off the wing (weeee!).
Curtis finally doesn't something right and pulls around the area where Bauer is hiding. The Marines are too focused on making sure people aren't falling off the ass-part of the plane to notice a man with a Freedom Satchel running across the runway and leaping over a fence.
When a person is still awake past 3 a.m. they either become hungry or suicidal. Since Bauer has the recording back at CTU with the Attorney General awaiting to hear it, Logan has figured that the best option for him is to blast his head off with the presidential suicide gun (it's silver, shiny, and each of the bullets are engraved with the word "Nixon").
But before he offs himself, he figures he should talk to Crazytown, to remind himself just how much life would suck if he stuck around. He also needs a drink, partly for courage and partly because all dead men deserve one last meal. I personally would have been thinking Arby's in that situation.
Again, Bauer and Sheryl Crow think it's safe again to share a lifetime moment where he sits on the end of her bed and kisses her kneecap. She smiles and he fondles her leg some more. Romantic Bauer freaks me out.
As always, their happiness is premature because in the midst of the love there is hate growing. And that hate is in the bowels of Warlock, who has woken up from his nap (he apparently slept on only the left side of his body) and is now being transferred by CTU drones and one friend truck driver. What evil schemes does Warlock have planned and, more importantly, do they involve a potato gun? I'm assuming they must since he's all out of weapons and men.
Logan is about to implant the Nixon bullet into his brain when he hears the phone ring and it distracts him. Logan likes loud sounds and after being told the call is about Bauer, is compelled to pick it up.
On the other end is Creepy Miles, pledging allegiance to the president in the hope of getting a better job in the future, or at least a better desk. Creepy now plans to use his powers of creepiness to gain presidential favor and allows Logan to save his Nixon bullet for another day. It also gives Logan another chance to get some late-night Arby's.
5.02.2006
Red Eye
2 a.m. to 3 a.m.
5.1.06
Karen Hayes, formerly of Homeland Security, has now switched to the underground operation that is CTU 2.0. It's a secretive bunch that has a special handshake, decoder rings, and requires you to lie to everyone you know all the time. This is also the same job description they give to political lobbyists.
K Hay has embraced the power of Bauer and is here to help Old Man Buchanan and Scowl Face, at least a little bit. The Homeland Security drones are on the way and they have to leave. Because Buchanan is an old man and prefers to be led places rather than to lead, he tells Chloe to run to the nearby hotel. It's his "prostitute hangout" after midnight when he just wants to talk about dirty sex and baseball. Prostitutes love baseball. (BTW: YANKEES SUCK!)
Before the drones show up, Old Man makes sure to take off his shirt. It's always suspicious if you're dressed up in your home with no where to go, which is why I always walk around in my underwear and a chicken mask when I'm in the apartment…and sometimes when I'm at work, but only if it's someone's birthday.
Scowl Face gets to the hotel and finds a bar where she can set up shop in a dark corner. It's a typical hotel, complete with lounge music that's easy to ignore, low lighting, and a drunken businessman who is ready to hit on anything with a pulse.
Drunky: "Hey baby, you got shoes on. Lemme see your bra." (I actually heard a guy say this in a bar…to a donkey).
Girl: "Um, no thanks. I only touch Buchanan and that's only after he slips me an Abe Lincoln."
Drunky: "Whoa! Don't get all feminist on me."
Drunky, you poor idiotic soul. Feminism has changed. They don't bother debating you any more. Women already know they're smarter and have evolved to merely shocking us with a stun gun, allowing them to breathe a couple minutes of penis-free air. I've heard that penis-free air smells like potpourri.
Jack is stowed safely away with the baggage on the plane and has proved once more that anything he touches receives special powers. Even though he's on the bottom of the plane, Jack's cell phone works perfectly, not because it can, but because Jack told it to. You don't want to know what happens when Jack touches himself.
With the movie "United 93" released around the country, it's no surprise that Jack wanted to show people how a successful hi-jack looks like. No planning is needed and neither is a heavy dose of religion. All one needs is a disregard for personal space and one fluffy pillow.
The Air Marshall was totally at fault. Never let anyone sit in the middle seat when you have the window. It's common human decency to have a buffer zone in that situation. Not doing so either leads to you engaging in banal conversation for hours or getting smacked in the face. Either way, you'll wish you were dead.
Don't we give our law enforcement personal any sort of training they can use? Or at least give them a more authoritative-sounding name? "George Avila" isn't going to stop anyone from doing anything (especially if it's Day with no Immigrants day).
Jack finds the guy with the connection to Anti-Bauer and brings him into the baggage area, all before the flight attendant starts serving drinks or noticing a strange hooded man roaming around the cabin.
However, Scowl Face discovers that it's not the right guy because people with German accents take an extra long time to get through customs (it's still safe to not trust German people).
But by now, the flight attendant has figured out that someone's missing and that the Air Marshall is down. This leads them to lock the hatch to the baggage area and to start decompressing it.
This marks the second time people have fucked with Bauer's air and that pisses him off, forcing him to yell "Damn hatch" and "son of a bitch" into his phone, which is a huge indication that he's not a federal agent. Only third grade teachers and postmen fly off the handle that bad.
I always knew Jack had a way to get to people, but I had no idea he had such power over inanimate objects. Besides terrorism and snakes, planes have a new fear. The fear of some lunatic ripping open their "private area" and pulling on what I can only assume are its gonads. If someone started pulling on my balls like that, I'd be running into walls every second and throwing myself off of balconies.
It was enough for the hatch to be unlocked and Jack to enter the cabin with a gun, freaking some people out and filling the minds of others with Steven Seagal fantasies of taking down the terrorist on the plane. (Why the hell does Seagal have a guitar in his hands?) But one dopey white guy with a crazed look in his eye is no match for a Bauer with a gun. Especially when he's in a crappy mood (he's still pissed about his air).
What's even more distressing is that the captain has to take the plane down and Bauer only has 15 minutes to search everyone on the plane for the coveted recording, which is freaking Logan out back on earth.
Logan has sent Crazytown back to her room with a bottle of wine and posted the Secret Service "nerd" to bore her to death with his blank stare and lack of personality. She finally gets hold of Novick and convinces him to bring her drugs and that something is wrong, though she can't say what.
The only thing she can do is drunk dial her husband and scream into the phone about how she wishes Logan would just talk to her. Even if he wanted to, talking to a crying drunk girl on the phone is as appealing as waiting in line at the DMV while the fat guy in front of you lets out a greasy fart every five minutes.
Logan hears of the hijacked plane and wants updates of the entire situation, "minute by minute" if necessary. Unless it's Ashley Judd doing a striptease, does anything have to be updated minute by minute? I think not.
Old Man Buchanan is finally led back to CTU-Homeland 1.0 where he and K Hay put on the façade that they hate each other. The truth is, Buchanan has finally found the love monkey he's been looking for and once this dirty business of the recording is put to rest, they'll be doing the no-pants dance all over CTU 2.0.
He'll also have to get rid of the ass-muncher who's freelancing as a "tattle-tale" and calling politicos in the middle of the night whenever something makes him feel "icky" inside. Thankfully, he's shot down by Novick, but I'm sure he'll find a way to piss everyone off.
And speaking of shooting things down, it seems that's the only way Bauer is getting off the plane. After figuring out the co-pilot was in cahoots with Anti-Bauer, the captain pulled the old "I'm old and my leg hurts" gag to open the cabin door. This allows Bauer to bust through and stare down the co-pilot.
"You don't look like a man ready to die for Henderson."
He isn't. The man who is willing to do that is a fat drunk that hangs out in hotel bars using feminism jokes as a pick-up line. At the moment, he's being stun gunned into submission for the second time so that Scowl Face can bring him back to her tech cave where she will cybersex him to death.
And the only reason that man is willing to die for Henderson is because he's got no where else to go except hell.
5.1.06
Karen Hayes, formerly of Homeland Security, has now switched to the underground operation that is CTU 2.0. It's a secretive bunch that has a special handshake, decoder rings, and requires you to lie to everyone you know all the time. This is also the same job description they give to political lobbyists.
K Hay has embraced the power of Bauer and is here to help Old Man Buchanan and Scowl Face, at least a little bit. The Homeland Security drones are on the way and they have to leave. Because Buchanan is an old man and prefers to be led places rather than to lead, he tells Chloe to run to the nearby hotel. It's his "prostitute hangout" after midnight when he just wants to talk about dirty sex and baseball. Prostitutes love baseball. (BTW: YANKEES SUCK!)
Before the drones show up, Old Man makes sure to take off his shirt. It's always suspicious if you're dressed up in your home with no where to go, which is why I always walk around in my underwear and a chicken mask when I'm in the apartment…and sometimes when I'm at work, but only if it's someone's birthday.
Scowl Face gets to the hotel and finds a bar where she can set up shop in a dark corner. It's a typical hotel, complete with lounge music that's easy to ignore, low lighting, and a drunken businessman who is ready to hit on anything with a pulse.
Drunky: "Hey baby, you got shoes on. Lemme see your bra." (I actually heard a guy say this in a bar…to a donkey).
Girl: "Um, no thanks. I only touch Buchanan and that's only after he slips me an Abe Lincoln."
Drunky: "Whoa! Don't get all feminist on me."
Drunky, you poor idiotic soul. Feminism has changed. They don't bother debating you any more. Women already know they're smarter and have evolved to merely shocking us with a stun gun, allowing them to breathe a couple minutes of penis-free air. I've heard that penis-free air smells like potpourri.
Jack is stowed safely away with the baggage on the plane and has proved once more that anything he touches receives special powers. Even though he's on the bottom of the plane, Jack's cell phone works perfectly, not because it can, but because Jack told it to. You don't want to know what happens when Jack touches himself.
With the movie "United 93" released around the country, it's no surprise that Jack wanted to show people how a successful hi-jack looks like. No planning is needed and neither is a heavy dose of religion. All one needs is a disregard for personal space and one fluffy pillow.
The Air Marshall was totally at fault. Never let anyone sit in the middle seat when you have the window. It's common human decency to have a buffer zone in that situation. Not doing so either leads to you engaging in banal conversation for hours or getting smacked in the face. Either way, you'll wish you were dead.
Don't we give our law enforcement personal any sort of training they can use? Or at least give them a more authoritative-sounding name? "George Avila" isn't going to stop anyone from doing anything (especially if it's Day with no Immigrants day).
Jack finds the guy with the connection to Anti-Bauer and brings him into the baggage area, all before the flight attendant starts serving drinks or noticing a strange hooded man roaming around the cabin.
However, Scowl Face discovers that it's not the right guy because people with German accents take an extra long time to get through customs (it's still safe to not trust German people).
But by now, the flight attendant has figured out that someone's missing and that the Air Marshall is down. This leads them to lock the hatch to the baggage area and to start decompressing it.
This marks the second time people have fucked with Bauer's air and that pisses him off, forcing him to yell "Damn hatch" and "son of a bitch" into his phone, which is a huge indication that he's not a federal agent. Only third grade teachers and postmen fly off the handle that bad.
I always knew Jack had a way to get to people, but I had no idea he had such power over inanimate objects. Besides terrorism and snakes, planes have a new fear. The fear of some lunatic ripping open their "private area" and pulling on what I can only assume are its gonads. If someone started pulling on my balls like that, I'd be running into walls every second and throwing myself off of balconies.
It was enough for the hatch to be unlocked and Jack to enter the cabin with a gun, freaking some people out and filling the minds of others with Steven Seagal fantasies of taking down the terrorist on the plane. (Why the hell does Seagal have a guitar in his hands?) But one dopey white guy with a crazed look in his eye is no match for a Bauer with a gun. Especially when he's in a crappy mood (he's still pissed about his air).
What's even more distressing is that the captain has to take the plane down and Bauer only has 15 minutes to search everyone on the plane for the coveted recording, which is freaking Logan out back on earth.
Logan has sent Crazytown back to her room with a bottle of wine and posted the Secret Service "nerd" to bore her to death with his blank stare and lack of personality. She finally gets hold of Novick and convinces him to bring her drugs and that something is wrong, though she can't say what.
The only thing she can do is drunk dial her husband and scream into the phone about how she wishes Logan would just talk to her. Even if he wanted to, talking to a crying drunk girl on the phone is as appealing as waiting in line at the DMV while the fat guy in front of you lets out a greasy fart every five minutes.
Logan hears of the hijacked plane and wants updates of the entire situation, "minute by minute" if necessary. Unless it's Ashley Judd doing a striptease, does anything have to be updated minute by minute? I think not.
Old Man Buchanan is finally led back to CTU-Homeland 1.0 where he and K Hay put on the façade that they hate each other. The truth is, Buchanan has finally found the love monkey he's been looking for and once this dirty business of the recording is put to rest, they'll be doing the no-pants dance all over CTU 2.0.
He'll also have to get rid of the ass-muncher who's freelancing as a "tattle-tale" and calling politicos in the middle of the night whenever something makes him feel "icky" inside. Thankfully, he's shot down by Novick, but I'm sure he'll find a way to piss everyone off.
And speaking of shooting things down, it seems that's the only way Bauer is getting off the plane. After figuring out the co-pilot was in cahoots with Anti-Bauer, the captain pulled the old "I'm old and my leg hurts" gag to open the cabin door. This allows Bauer to bust through and stare down the co-pilot.
"You don't look like a man ready to die for Henderson."
He isn't. The man who is willing to do that is a fat drunk that hangs out in hotel bars using feminism jokes as a pick-up line. At the moment, he's being stun gunned into submission for the second time so that Scowl Face can bring him back to her tech cave where she will cybersex him to death.
And the only reason that man is willing to die for Henderson is because he's got no where else to go except hell.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)