12 a.m. to 1 a.m.
4.23.07
Usually after midnight, things start to change. The beer starts tasting more like water, the sex gets dirtier and celebrities start going out of their mind thanks to all the drugs they’ve ingested that has warped their sense of reality.
So it’s fitting that the episode began with Ricky Schroder running through a field and flagging down a car from the highway. This is how the former Silver Spoons star gets cast in shows. It’s also how he avoids doing the dishes at the house.
Jack “I’m rogue now” Bauer is on his own again. This means the return of the man purse(is it the Freedom Satchel?), one-word answers, dark clothing and an obscene amount of rage. He has the component with the Russian defense codes to trade for Audrey. I saw those Russian defense codes on the internet. They are blueprints on how to build a massive wall made of cannons with a moat of lava encircling Mother Russia.
But the Chinese want the codes. I know, they have a wall too, but they still haven’t figured out how to tame lava or break a man through torture.
Milo “Stache” Pressman can’t take all the political and international drama surrounding Bauer, so he walks around CTU talking about the emotional aspect of the situation and breaking up arguments between Morris and Scowlface (Chloe). I liked him so much more when he was an asshole who just wanted to bang Nadia.
Palmer 2.0 is enjoying coma 2.0 (this one may shut him off from society for days…just like Windows Vista). This has put VP ODB (Old Dirty Bastard), in charge. It has also made ODB horny as hell since Cialis combined with a taste of power intensifies the erectile effects.
Luckily for the Blonde-Aide there were no cigars or dirty instant messages from Washington DC pages in the room, otherwise ODB would have completely lost control of all his bodily fluids (they are, in order of importance: semen, pee, and tears).
With no Palmer 2.0, the show was briefly without an African-American character. Thankfully, a “Peter Hawk” showed up to make things right and diverse.
Hawk, who has information from Chad Lowe (he’s also a member of the Ricky Schroder hitch-hiking club) grills K-Hay about how crappy her husband is at holding on to terrorists and warns her that someone has to “go down” for this whole 13,000 dead thing. And since K-Hay hasn’t “gone down” since high school, it’s up to Old Man Buchanan to take the bullet.
Tom Boy also urges K-Hay to stay at her job because she is “smart and brings balance,” which means she’s like a case of Ensure for a geriatric White House that can’t seem to lay off deep-fried Twinkies and sticks of butter.
CTU isn’t looking too good at the moment. They can’t handle suitcase bombs and their assurances mean nothing. The only thing they are good at is accusing and arresting their own people.
They also fail at relationships. Old Man Buchanan is fired by K-Hay, his wife, and is told that everything will be ok because all he needs to know is that she “loves him.”
Old Man Buchanan’s next bold move: Call up K-Hay and yell that she’s a little pig. Laugh uncontrollably.
Nadia is put in charge and ordered to tell the troops about Buchanan’s departure before it hits the internal forums. She also has to cancel the “Buchanan Brought Sexy Back to CTU for a Debriefing” T-shirts.
There was even more drama I didn’t care about with Morris, Scowlface and their schoolyard bickering.
“You built a bomb!”
“Shove it!”
They’re gonna do it soon, I can feel it.
Bauer (I’m sick of not seeing Bauer for 30 minutes. He better decapitate people in the finale to make up for all the lost screen time) has directed Cheng to an abandoned hotel and has set up the C4 to blow everyone up (only Jack Bauer can kill Jack Bauer).
Before Cheng arrives, Bauer calls Old Man Buchanan and sings the “Thank You For Being a Friend” from the Golden Girls. He also calls a cab company.
“This is Jack Bauer. I’m a CTU agent. This is an emergency. I need a cab.”
That doesn’t make the cab come any quicker. You have to tell them you are hammered and looking for your car. That’s when they haul ass. Sometimes it’s to pick you up, sometimes it’s to kill you.
Ricky Schroder has been tracking Jack’s movements (stalking is also part of Schroder’s nightly routine) and is hiding in the bushes when a limo pulls up with Cheng, Chinese drones and Audrey inside.
Bauer ungags his drugged up girlfriend (she is currently suffering from memory loss, a la Teri Bauer), says he’s sorry and tells her to go to a bridge. Cheng gets impatient. Bauer throws him the component with his hand on the trigger. Schroder freaks out and shoots the closest guy he sees (again, part of the former child star lifestyle that he’s famous for).
A gunfight ensues and Cheng gets away in a black hummer storming up a hill. Instead of going after him, Schroder puts Bauer under arrest. For now, the component is in Chinese hands and every Russian soldier is praying that their lava moat of death will be completed in time.
4.17.2007
A Dollar and A Dream
11 p.m. to Midnight
4.16.07
The suitcase nukes are no longer a threat. They’re just heavy suitcases now and because CTU doesn’t know how to handle things that won’t explode, the Marines are called in. .
The battle is over and now Jack can celebrate with his new man-crush Ricky “I Think I Love You” Schroder. Unfortunately, the man-date at Applebees will have to wait, thanks to a drugged-up Audrey (aka Sheryl Crow) who needs to be rescued. Again.
Sheryl Crow went to China to save Jack, but forgot to bring a gun, hire a driver for her car and learn Chinese. Cheng, the guy who tortured Jack for two years, captured her knowing that a white woman will always come in handy in the future. It’s like finding a perfectly good beating stick in the street. Someday, someone’s gonna need a beating.
Cheng is also fast becoming the Khan to Jack Bauer’s Captain Kirk. All we need is Jack to be on his knees, look to the sky and, with a crazed look in his eye, scream “CCCCCHHHHHHEEEEENNNNGGGGGG!!!”
Only the Chinese would trade a human for a piece of technology. They hold technology above all else, which is why they always have the cooler phones. Their version of the iPhone can drive your car and give you a “happy ending” (don’t ask how).
Cheng is demanding Jack to steal the component for the life of Sheryl Crow. Once the Chinese have said component, they will have access to all Russian technology. And because the technology is so old, it will be untraceable. They got the idea from the book “So You’ve Decided to Give Up and Follow the Russians.” The sequel to that book is “So You’ve Decided to Cut Off Your Arm.”
Jack is pissed because the component could start off World War III. I’m pissed because I thought World War III was supposed to have started by now. My sleeper pick to win it all is Spain. No one suspects the Spaniards. Call it a hunch.
For him to agree to this, Jack demands to talk to Sheryl Crow. Cheng does so and stares at her with his judgmental eyes (this is typical Chinese behavior. My father is looking over my shoulder, quietly disgusted about how I spend my Monday nights).
As always, Jack calls Chloe (Scowl Face) to gossip about his life, telling her everything about Sheryl Crow and how much he hates the Chinese. Scowl-Face wants to help and hacks into Morris’ computer (really just walks over and uses his mouse) to download the specs of the component to Jack’s cell phone.
Jack has to wait over a minute for the specs to download. He curses the loading time and the rage begins to rise (ironically, if he had the Chinese version of his phone, it would have downloaded faster).
Palmer 2.0’s rage has been replaced by a hangover, though he decides to make it better by asking VP Fathead for his resignation. He also makes it better by staring at a picture of his deceased brother David Palmer (it was signed “You can see my Unit anytime!”).
Fathead says no to resigning. Palmer 2.0 then promises to make Fathead’s life “extremely unpleasant” by releasing a tape recording proving that he and his blonde assistant conspired perjury. Fathead laughs it off and counters that he has a sex tape of him and the blonde, which would make everyone “extremely unpleasant.”
And whoa! Did Fathead just say “blackmail” to the black president?? That’s racist right? I’m sure it upset someone out there, so be ready to see a 24 writer fired.
Morris knows his hard drive was tampered with. No one’s touched his hard drive in a while and, frankly, he was feeling ignored in the storyline. Scowl Face fesses up to touching it and is convinced by Morris to tell Old Man Buchanan about Jack Bauer’s Rescue Plan of Action to save Sheryl Crow and kill CHHHEEENNGG! Thankfully, we are spared from the Old Man recapping whatever was happening in the episode.
As Scowl-Face is recapping to Buchanan, Jack has found the suitcase nukes and the two marines guarding them. Using skills he obtained during his CTU Drama Crew days, he proceeds to berate them, asking for names and threatening to use his cell phone. It works, since marines don’t like telling you anything and have a natural distrust for phones.
Sub-plot I don’t care about: Morris’ and Chloe’s trust issues.
Ricky Schroder arrests Jack before the fun of running around in a fit of rage can begin. Just like the time WWIII failed to start, I’m disappointed.
Old Man Buchanan isn’t “down” with Jack’s plan. Jack asks to talk to Palmer 2.0 and assures the president that the component will never get into the hands of the Chinese, even if it means blowing himself up. He later reveals that the Jack Bauer Rescue Plan of Action includes inflicting revenge on his former captors and a stop at the nearest Denny’s for a Superbird (Don’t know what that is? That’s shame you’re feeling friend).
Schroder’s man-crush is dying a slow death, especially since he discovered Jack doesn’t hike up Brokeback Mountain. He scolds Jack for mixing relationship feelings with work feelings. That’s tough talk from a guy with a bad haircut who can’t find something to believe in.
Palmer 2.0 gives a speech about celebrating the death and offers up prayer as the best defense against terrorist. He also does his best Porky Pig impression before he collapses onto the ground.
So now Fathead is president and his first order of business is to cancel the Jack Bauer Rescue Plan of Action. He doesn’t believe Jack’s word. Under both Palmer administrations, not believing in Jack’s word got you beaten with the beating stick.
In the car, Schroder gets the call to “quietly disarm” Jack (does it involve whispering?) and to bring him back to CTU. Jack pulls his gun on Schroder and forces him to pull over. Jack takes the car and is off on his own again, fighting terrorism the only way he knows how: with a dollar and a dream.
4.16.07
The suitcase nukes are no longer a threat. They’re just heavy suitcases now and because CTU doesn’t know how to handle things that won’t explode, the Marines are called in. .
The battle is over and now Jack can celebrate with his new man-crush Ricky “I Think I Love You” Schroder. Unfortunately, the man-date at Applebees will have to wait, thanks to a drugged-up Audrey (aka Sheryl Crow) who needs to be rescued. Again.
Sheryl Crow went to China to save Jack, but forgot to bring a gun, hire a driver for her car and learn Chinese. Cheng, the guy who tortured Jack for two years, captured her knowing that a white woman will always come in handy in the future. It’s like finding a perfectly good beating stick in the street. Someday, someone’s gonna need a beating.
Cheng is also fast becoming the Khan to Jack Bauer’s Captain Kirk. All we need is Jack to be on his knees, look to the sky and, with a crazed look in his eye, scream “CCCCCHHHHHHEEEEENNNNGGGGGG!!!”
Only the Chinese would trade a human for a piece of technology. They hold technology above all else, which is why they always have the cooler phones. Their version of the iPhone can drive your car and give you a “happy ending” (don’t ask how).
Cheng is demanding Jack to steal the component for the life of Sheryl Crow. Once the Chinese have said component, they will have access to all Russian technology. And because the technology is so old, it will be untraceable. They got the idea from the book “So You’ve Decided to Give Up and Follow the Russians.” The sequel to that book is “So You’ve Decided to Cut Off Your Arm.”
Jack is pissed because the component could start off World War III. I’m pissed because I thought World War III was supposed to have started by now. My sleeper pick to win it all is Spain. No one suspects the Spaniards. Call it a hunch.
For him to agree to this, Jack demands to talk to Sheryl Crow. Cheng does so and stares at her with his judgmental eyes (this is typical Chinese behavior. My father is looking over my shoulder, quietly disgusted about how I spend my Monday nights).
As always, Jack calls Chloe (Scowl Face) to gossip about his life, telling her everything about Sheryl Crow and how much he hates the Chinese. Scowl-Face wants to help and hacks into Morris’ computer (really just walks over and uses his mouse) to download the specs of the component to Jack’s cell phone.
Jack has to wait over a minute for the specs to download. He curses the loading time and the rage begins to rise (ironically, if he had the Chinese version of his phone, it would have downloaded faster).
Palmer 2.0’s rage has been replaced by a hangover, though he decides to make it better by asking VP Fathead for his resignation. He also makes it better by staring at a picture of his deceased brother David Palmer (it was signed “You can see my Unit anytime!”).
Fathead says no to resigning. Palmer 2.0 then promises to make Fathead’s life “extremely unpleasant” by releasing a tape recording proving that he and his blonde assistant conspired perjury. Fathead laughs it off and counters that he has a sex tape of him and the blonde, which would make everyone “extremely unpleasant.”
And whoa! Did Fathead just say “blackmail” to the black president?? That’s racist right? I’m sure it upset someone out there, so be ready to see a 24 writer fired.
Morris knows his hard drive was tampered with. No one’s touched his hard drive in a while and, frankly, he was feeling ignored in the storyline. Scowl Face fesses up to touching it and is convinced by Morris to tell Old Man Buchanan about Jack Bauer’s Rescue Plan of Action to save Sheryl Crow and kill CHHHEEENNGG! Thankfully, we are spared from the Old Man recapping whatever was happening in the episode.
As Scowl-Face is recapping to Buchanan, Jack has found the suitcase nukes and the two marines guarding them. Using skills he obtained during his CTU Drama Crew days, he proceeds to berate them, asking for names and threatening to use his cell phone. It works, since marines don’t like telling you anything and have a natural distrust for phones.
Sub-plot I don’t care about: Morris’ and Chloe’s trust issues.
Ricky Schroder arrests Jack before the fun of running around in a fit of rage can begin. Just like the time WWIII failed to start, I’m disappointed.
Old Man Buchanan isn’t “down” with Jack’s plan. Jack asks to talk to Palmer 2.0 and assures the president that the component will never get into the hands of the Chinese, even if it means blowing himself up. He later reveals that the Jack Bauer Rescue Plan of Action includes inflicting revenge on his former captors and a stop at the nearest Denny’s for a Superbird (Don’t know what that is? That’s shame you’re feeling friend).
Schroder’s man-crush is dying a slow death, especially since he discovered Jack doesn’t hike up Brokeback Mountain. He scolds Jack for mixing relationship feelings with work feelings. That’s tough talk from a guy with a bad haircut who can’t find something to believe in.
Palmer 2.0 gives a speech about celebrating the death and offers up prayer as the best defense against terrorist. He also does his best Porky Pig impression before he collapses onto the ground.
So now Fathead is president and his first order of business is to cancel the Jack Bauer Rescue Plan of Action. He doesn’t believe Jack’s word. Under both Palmer administrations, not believing in Jack’s word got you beaten with the beating stick.
In the car, Schroder gets the call to “quietly disarm” Jack (does it involve whispering?) and to bring him back to CTU. Jack pulls his gun on Schroder and forces him to pull over. Jack takes the car and is off on his own again, fighting terrorism the only way he knows how: with a dollar and a dream.
4.10.2007
Rage and Insanity on the Rocks
10 p.m. to 11 p.m.
4.9.07
Palmer 2.0 has launched a nuclear missile at a brown terrorist country with the intention of blasting all their huts and falafel stands into the ground. He’s had it with the lying, the painfully slow political process and people constantly referring to him as the “lame Palmer.”
The missile makes everyone uneasy, which usually happens when a man decides to expose his weapon and launch it into the air. Tom Boy tries to reason with Palmer by acting like Chicken Little. K Hay calls her husband, Old Man Buchanan, and asks him to lie. And Ambassador Jerkface from the brown country calls, urging Palmer to calm down.
Nothing can calm Palmer down. He’s currently engaged in a nuclear “I’m-not-touching-you” game and he doesn’t intend to lose. No one wants to be touched by a nuclear missile, especially one launched with such table-pounding rage.
As Palmer’s phallic nuclear bomb inches closer and closer to the face of terrorist country X, Ambassador Jerkface starts to give up the name of a high-ranking general who has had contact with Fayed, but has no knowledge of the location of the suitcase bombs. Palmer yells some more and calls off the attack, telling the pilot to “ditch it in the gulf.” That dirty whore was faking it, just like my first dry hump.
Tom, who was getting high the day they taught “bluffing” in political science, is surprised and hangs his head for doubting his president. After today, he’ll be checking into the Shame Hotel, where people cry into coarse, sexually-abused pillows for hours. I hear Imus is checking in soon too (apparently, it’s fashionable to be racist, as long as you’re an angry white guy).
The new enemy is a general named Nabib who looks like Gredenko, only with sane-looking hair and two arms (I miss that crazy Russian already. He should have been given a chainsaw for an arm).
Jack Bauer and Ricky “Strikeforce” Schroder are beating Fayed in a storage room filled with such threatening things as white bread and dirty towels. Bauer beats him with his fist. Strikeforce circles Fayed and judges his religion. Neither man is successful and Old Man Buchanan suggests a “drastic move,” which at his age means moving from the couch to the toilet…without pants on.
Agent Burke is called in with his “pharmaceutical package” for the torture. Initially, I thought it was going to be drugs and needles, but then I remembered the pain I felt after reading a 20-page science paper about how red blood cells can kill you and filled with phrases like “analytical ultracentrifugation.” I bet they make him read something like that and then inject him with something that will raise his red blood cell count (I ain’t no doctor yo, but that shit sounds harsh).
“Now we are gonna have fun.”
-Jack Bauer with unstable look in his eye
There are only two things the Bauer finds fun: shooting kneecaps off and pretending to die. This time it was the latter.
En route to who knows where, a truck sideswipes the vehicle carrying Fayed, Bauer and Strikeforce, scattering them about. People start shooting guns, people go down, including Strikeforce and Bauer. The people in the other truck take Fayed with them and drive off.
Everyone gets up from the ground, including Strikeforce and Bauer, and the neighborhood applauds this impromptu community theater and pesters the two CTU agents to play the lead roles in the upcoming summer performance of “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead.” (They respectfully declined. Strikeforce has plans to “find himself” in Amsterdam. Bauer is scheduled to sit in a closet and stew).
CTU’s Drama Crew (yes they host flamboyant D. Crew parties) talks to Fayed hoping to get the location of his destination and tell him they were sent by Gen. Nabib. Fayed, always taught by his mother to never trust men in vans, which is ironic since he is now one of them, demands to speak to Nabib.
Old Man Buchanan, who is awesome at recapping recent events in seconds, calls the White House and urges Palmer 2.0 to make this phone call happen. Palmer, visibly weak and shaking from the adrenaline and sour patch kids he had the hour before, speaks to Ambassador Jerkface about forcing the general to make the call.
Ambassador Jerkface’s country sucks at anti-terrorism. They are only good at making demands and throwing rocks in the street. They never thought of threatening the family. American’s real policy on terrorism: Just do it…now!
While watching a gun being placed on his son’s head, Nabib calls Fayed and assures him that he sent the men to get him and says that “Samir” should have eaten that whole meatball sub, or something like that.
Sexy Nadia at CTU figures out that Samir is a distress code and that Nabib was warning Fayed he was being setup. The meatball sub was just thrown in there to throw everyone off. Nadia also figures out that Milo is the jealous type, Strikeforce can bleed and that CTU isn’t that exciting when Morris isn’t drunk and Scowlface only has lines like “Ok.”
Jack warns the CTU Drama Crew that Fayed may be on to the setup seconds before they enter a tunnel. The car with Jack enters the tunnel and before he races into it, he utters “Engaging the tunnel” to CTU. Say that to your wife/girlfriend/blowup-doll during sex. It’s worth sleeping on the couch for a week to see their reaction.
Fayed runs away after killing everyone in the CTU Drama Crew (he really rubs it in by saying “Parting is such sweet sorrow” before he hops out of the truck) and steals a garbage truck to return to the home base.
Bauer, who had been following him, sees the truck and slips underneath it and holds on to the axle and screams into his hands-free device. Old Man Buchanan, who is getting closer and closer to retirement, can’t hear what Jack is saying and orders someone younger to run it through filters.
The garbage truck finally stops near a warehouse and thankfully didn’t go over any speed bumps or dead animals on the road. Bauer overhears Fayed say that downtown LA is going to be the target and slips out of the truck.
He storms the area and, after seeing the two suitcase bombs, proceeds to kill anything that moves. And when he runs out of bullets, he uses that special mixture of rage and insanity that every man has inside of him. It’s potent, always goes down smooth and gives you the power to do every stupid thought you have in your brain. This includes hanging on to the bottom of a garbage truck, running down a man with a gun pointed at your head, blasting off fake nuclear missiles and eating hotel soap for $5.
The Jack-Fayed fight ensues and includes pipes, chains, the biting of hands (thanks to Jack’s insatiable appetite for human flesh) and kicks to the stomach. In the end, Jack won by stringing up Fayed with chains, telling him to say hello to his brother and hanging him (No cell phone video of the taunting?).
Strikeforce’s reaction: “Damn Jack.” This also marks ground zero for Strikeforce’s eternal man-crush on Jack.
The suitcase bombs are secured and everyone is dead. The day is coming to a close and Jack is ready for that late-night cry into the pillow. Instead, the Asian guy who looks like my dad shows up and has Audrey in captivity who can only utter a strained “Help. Me.”
This proves jack still has the insanity inside of him because he was told hours ago that Audrey was dead. Now every cute, broken voice on the phone sounds like his old girlfriend to him.
Asian guy takes the phone back and tells Jack that Audrey is alive and that China wants “the component” for her life.
I think the Component will be:
-Goya crackers
-the fabled Easy-Bake Oven 6000
-the remote control that can stop time
-a Nintendo Wii (the only thing on this list that justifies kidnapping)
So just when you think your crappy day is over, my dad shows up with a shit-eating grin and pisses on everything you hold dear. Mark my words. Just like my childhood, my dad is here to ruin everything. He will also get drunk, pass out and let out an inhuman snore that will rattle the house.
4.9.07
Palmer 2.0 has launched a nuclear missile at a brown terrorist country with the intention of blasting all their huts and falafel stands into the ground. He’s had it with the lying, the painfully slow political process and people constantly referring to him as the “lame Palmer.”
The missile makes everyone uneasy, which usually happens when a man decides to expose his weapon and launch it into the air. Tom Boy tries to reason with Palmer by acting like Chicken Little. K Hay calls her husband, Old Man Buchanan, and asks him to lie. And Ambassador Jerkface from the brown country calls, urging Palmer to calm down.
Nothing can calm Palmer down. He’s currently engaged in a nuclear “I’m-not-touching-you” game and he doesn’t intend to lose. No one wants to be touched by a nuclear missile, especially one launched with such table-pounding rage.
As Palmer’s phallic nuclear bomb inches closer and closer to the face of terrorist country X, Ambassador Jerkface starts to give up the name of a high-ranking general who has had contact with Fayed, but has no knowledge of the location of the suitcase bombs. Palmer yells some more and calls off the attack, telling the pilot to “ditch it in the gulf.” That dirty whore was faking it, just like my first dry hump.
Tom, who was getting high the day they taught “bluffing” in political science, is surprised and hangs his head for doubting his president. After today, he’ll be checking into the Shame Hotel, where people cry into coarse, sexually-abused pillows for hours. I hear Imus is checking in soon too (apparently, it’s fashionable to be racist, as long as you’re an angry white guy).
The new enemy is a general named Nabib who looks like Gredenko, only with sane-looking hair and two arms (I miss that crazy Russian already. He should have been given a chainsaw for an arm).
Jack Bauer and Ricky “Strikeforce” Schroder are beating Fayed in a storage room filled with such threatening things as white bread and dirty towels. Bauer beats him with his fist. Strikeforce circles Fayed and judges his religion. Neither man is successful and Old Man Buchanan suggests a “drastic move,” which at his age means moving from the couch to the toilet…without pants on.
Agent Burke is called in with his “pharmaceutical package” for the torture. Initially, I thought it was going to be drugs and needles, but then I remembered the pain I felt after reading a 20-page science paper about how red blood cells can kill you and filled with phrases like “analytical ultracentrifugation.” I bet they make him read something like that and then inject him with something that will raise his red blood cell count (I ain’t no doctor yo, but that shit sounds harsh).
“Now we are gonna have fun.”
-Jack Bauer with unstable look in his eye
There are only two things the Bauer finds fun: shooting kneecaps off and pretending to die. This time it was the latter.
En route to who knows where, a truck sideswipes the vehicle carrying Fayed, Bauer and Strikeforce, scattering them about. People start shooting guns, people go down, including Strikeforce and Bauer. The people in the other truck take Fayed with them and drive off.
Everyone gets up from the ground, including Strikeforce and Bauer, and the neighborhood applauds this impromptu community theater and pesters the two CTU agents to play the lead roles in the upcoming summer performance of “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead.” (They respectfully declined. Strikeforce has plans to “find himself” in Amsterdam. Bauer is scheduled to sit in a closet and stew).
CTU’s Drama Crew (yes they host flamboyant D. Crew parties) talks to Fayed hoping to get the location of his destination and tell him they were sent by Gen. Nabib. Fayed, always taught by his mother to never trust men in vans, which is ironic since he is now one of them, demands to speak to Nabib.
Old Man Buchanan, who is awesome at recapping recent events in seconds, calls the White House and urges Palmer 2.0 to make this phone call happen. Palmer, visibly weak and shaking from the adrenaline and sour patch kids he had the hour before, speaks to Ambassador Jerkface about forcing the general to make the call.
Ambassador Jerkface’s country sucks at anti-terrorism. They are only good at making demands and throwing rocks in the street. They never thought of threatening the family. American’s real policy on terrorism: Just do it…now!
While watching a gun being placed on his son’s head, Nabib calls Fayed and assures him that he sent the men to get him and says that “Samir” should have eaten that whole meatball sub, or something like that.
Sexy Nadia at CTU figures out that Samir is a distress code and that Nabib was warning Fayed he was being setup. The meatball sub was just thrown in there to throw everyone off. Nadia also figures out that Milo is the jealous type, Strikeforce can bleed and that CTU isn’t that exciting when Morris isn’t drunk and Scowlface only has lines like “Ok.”
Jack warns the CTU Drama Crew that Fayed may be on to the setup seconds before they enter a tunnel. The car with Jack enters the tunnel and before he races into it, he utters “Engaging the tunnel” to CTU. Say that to your wife/girlfriend/blowup-doll during sex. It’s worth sleeping on the couch for a week to see their reaction.
Fayed runs away after killing everyone in the CTU Drama Crew (he really rubs it in by saying “Parting is such sweet sorrow” before he hops out of the truck) and steals a garbage truck to return to the home base.
Bauer, who had been following him, sees the truck and slips underneath it and holds on to the axle and screams into his hands-free device. Old Man Buchanan, who is getting closer and closer to retirement, can’t hear what Jack is saying and orders someone younger to run it through filters.
The garbage truck finally stops near a warehouse and thankfully didn’t go over any speed bumps or dead animals on the road. Bauer overhears Fayed say that downtown LA is going to be the target and slips out of the truck.
He storms the area and, after seeing the two suitcase bombs, proceeds to kill anything that moves. And when he runs out of bullets, he uses that special mixture of rage and insanity that every man has inside of him. It’s potent, always goes down smooth and gives you the power to do every stupid thought you have in your brain. This includes hanging on to the bottom of a garbage truck, running down a man with a gun pointed at your head, blasting off fake nuclear missiles and eating hotel soap for $5.
The Jack-Fayed fight ensues and includes pipes, chains, the biting of hands (thanks to Jack’s insatiable appetite for human flesh) and kicks to the stomach. In the end, Jack won by stringing up Fayed with chains, telling him to say hello to his brother and hanging him (No cell phone video of the taunting?).
Strikeforce’s reaction: “Damn Jack.” This also marks ground zero for Strikeforce’s eternal man-crush on Jack.
The suitcase bombs are secured and everyone is dead. The day is coming to a close and Jack is ready for that late-night cry into the pillow. Instead, the Asian guy who looks like my dad shows up and has Audrey in captivity who can only utter a strained “Help. Me.”
This proves jack still has the insanity inside of him because he was told hours ago that Audrey was dead. Now every cute, broken voice on the phone sounds like his old girlfriend to him.
Asian guy takes the phone back and tells Jack that Audrey is alive and that China wants “the component” for her life.
I think the Component will be:
-Goya crackers
-the fabled Easy-Bake Oven 6000
-the remote control that can stop time
-a Nintendo Wii (the only thing on this list that justifies kidnapping)
So just when you think your crappy day is over, my dad shows up with a shit-eating grin and pisses on everything you hold dear. Mark my words. Just like my childhood, my dad is here to ruin everything. He will also get drunk, pass out and let out an inhuman snore that will rattle the house.
4.03.2007
Evil Robots Will Kill Us All
4.2.07
9 p.m. to 10 p.m.
It’s time to party in the White House bunker, thanks to the 25th Amendment, the hedonistic party of the political world. No other amendment offers this much vague and potentially deadly fun. There are elements of a campaign, an election and a drunken staring contest. The only thing missing from this amendment is a clause that, in an event of a tie, the winner would be decided in a steel cage match.
Such a clause would have been useful since Palmer 2.0’s cabinet has exactly 14 people available to vote. Apparently the White House janitor was busy and couldn’t find the time (or will) to participate.
Palmer 2.0, fresh from his coma nap, is walking around drunk on power thanks to an adrenaline shot. He was offered a wheelchair, but decided against it because he didn’t want to appear, and I quote, “like that bitch Roosevelt.”
He’s a fool. Roosevelt had a rickety wheelchair that screamed geriatric invalid. But now it’s at least 70 years later and we have wheelchairs with four-wheel drive, which screams “Get out of my way!” at a push of a button whenever an FDR wheelchair breaks down in the middle of the hall.
The ground rules for the 25th Amendment state that Palmer 2.0 and the VP are allowed to plead their case. And because I’ve been in a electoral process mood ever since presidential campaigns were launched over two months ago (I totally don’t care anymore. I picked Vilsack to go all the way and that bastard ducked out in the first round), I conducted an impromptu Gallup poll in the living room with my parents and girlfriend (this makes four in all) during the speeches.
Palmer 2.0:
-3 people felt he was smooth and worthy of the presidency, even though it was possible his brain was bleeding into his ear.
-1 person (my dad) forgot who he was. He also wondered if the statement “in possession of my faculties” meant Palmer was holding his testicles in his hand
The VP
-2 people were turned off by his need to “share the pain” instead of the Clintonian model of “feeling pain” (among other things). They also felt his head was unnaturally fat for a human, sparking a debate about evil robots and when they would take over the planet (Final consensus was eight years. Five if China ever watches the movie “I, Robot” and gets ideas)
-1 person was drawn to the VP’s hot assistant and felt she was more competent than the liberal crazies on Palmer’s side
-1 person (my dad) snored loudly and scratched himself during the speech
Commercial Break
Sweet! The Transformers trailer! Boo! They aren’t doing the sound when they transform. This movie will suck because of that.
The vote, by show of hands, was spilt down the middle at seven a piece. But VP Fathead played the “I don’t see you” card by covering his eyes and pointing at K Hay, saying she quit earlier so her vote doesn’t count.
Welcome to America. We can’t protect ourselves from anything or vote without Supreme Court intervention.
In order to win, VP Fathead’s hot assistant offered to perjure herself to the court (sounds sexy) to give proof that the VP wasn’t going to recognize K Hay as the National Security Advisor. Fathead agreed to it and held her hand in thanks. I’m sure Hot Assistant Lisa was looking for more of a bear hug instead.
The entire conversation was caught on tape, thanks to Tom Boy’s micro transmitter and blackmails Fathead to call off his crusade to oust Palmer 2.0.
Mom’s reaction: “That little monkey is very good!”
This concludes our look into the 25th Amendment and I hope you learned that, like the 2nd Amendment, it’s only fun unless someone is shot in the end.
At CTU, sexy-former-terrorist Nadia continues to cocktease Stache with her Arabian good looks. However, Ricky “Strikeforce” Schroder breaks up the love and tells Nadia that Stache may have messed up and she has to help him see if it’s true.
Nadia discovers Stache did mess up and reports it to Strikeforce who immediately covers it up. Why did he do that? Because he’s a man searching for Nukes and religion.
Strikeforce: “I’ve read the Koran, the Bible, the dictionary…even Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead and still don’t have any answers.”
Nadia returns to her station and lies to Stache about what she was talking about with Strikeforce. Thus begins another solid CTU relationship forged through the power of lies and deceit. I give them two, maybe three hours.
Jack, who apparently spent the last 30 minutes giving Gen. Grendenko a death stare, decides to use the Russian as bait to get Fayed. The Russian agrees and is injected with a tracking device in his left arm.
Russian meets with Fayed, rips out the wire under his shirt and tells of Bauer outside waiting to ambush them both. However he has a plan and like all things Russian, it’s completely lacking in reason.
With the help of an ax, the Russian’s arm is hacked off, liberating the terrorists from the tracker and allowing them to roam around the Santa Monica Pier freely and into a hick bar. Outside, Bauer is pinned down by gunfire so he closes his eyes and says the “Show me your head” prayer for help. Don’t ever show Bauer anything, unless it’s a picture of you falling down stairs. He only understands pain.
In the hick bar, the Russian outs Fayed as the terrorist, which is the same as pointing at someone and yelling “gaaaaaaay” in a Catholic Church. Fayed shoots random people before he is stomped by drunk, patriotic Americans. Bauer storms in (fresh from shooting heads outside) and arrests Fayed.
So finally, Abu “I hope your friend is dead!” Fayed is captured and will be brought in, though it may not matter since his crew is itching to bomb anything in sight, even if it’s a Taylor Hicks concert where the causalities would be minimal (though it would mean that Hicks would be gone, so the upside is great).
The one-armed Russian escaped the bar and finds a place under the pier and by the water to have an epic, commie death. Gredenko will be missed. His one mistake was not taking the ax with him so that he could take other severed arms with him into the depths of hell.
Palmer 2.0 is now officially the president again and calls up the doctor for another celebratory shot of adrenaline. The rule is to take one when you wake up and another when you start to feel your organs caving in. You never take it if you’re pregnant or during an erection.
With word that Fayed is captured, though not with the bombs, Palmer 2.0 decides to go ahead and bomb brown people with nukes because no president wants to miss out on the chance of jump-starting World War III.
Speculation on why Palmer launched the nukes
-He dreamed of the future in the coma and is anxious to ski during the nuclear winter
-It’s Fathead in a Palmer mask
-He is actually an evil robot, making the Gallop poll prediction way off
This is the attack Sandra Palmer and K Hay woke Palmer 2.0 from the coma to stop, which proves, once again, that every liberal cause is a lost one and that, in the immortal words of Homer Simpson, the lesson here is “never try.”
9 p.m. to 10 p.m.
It’s time to party in the White House bunker, thanks to the 25th Amendment, the hedonistic party of the political world. No other amendment offers this much vague and potentially deadly fun. There are elements of a campaign, an election and a drunken staring contest. The only thing missing from this amendment is a clause that, in an event of a tie, the winner would be decided in a steel cage match.
Such a clause would have been useful since Palmer 2.0’s cabinet has exactly 14 people available to vote. Apparently the White House janitor was busy and couldn’t find the time (or will) to participate.
Palmer 2.0, fresh from his coma nap, is walking around drunk on power thanks to an adrenaline shot. He was offered a wheelchair, but decided against it because he didn’t want to appear, and I quote, “like that bitch Roosevelt.”
He’s a fool. Roosevelt had a rickety wheelchair that screamed geriatric invalid. But now it’s at least 70 years later and we have wheelchairs with four-wheel drive, which screams “Get out of my way!” at a push of a button whenever an FDR wheelchair breaks down in the middle of the hall.
The ground rules for the 25th Amendment state that Palmer 2.0 and the VP are allowed to plead their case. And because I’ve been in a electoral process mood ever since presidential campaigns were launched over two months ago (I totally don’t care anymore. I picked Vilsack to go all the way and that bastard ducked out in the first round), I conducted an impromptu Gallup poll in the living room with my parents and girlfriend (this makes four in all) during the speeches.
Palmer 2.0:
-3 people felt he was smooth and worthy of the presidency, even though it was possible his brain was bleeding into his ear.
-1 person (my dad) forgot who he was. He also wondered if the statement “in possession of my faculties” meant Palmer was holding his testicles in his hand
The VP
-2 people were turned off by his need to “share the pain” instead of the Clintonian model of “feeling pain” (among other things). They also felt his head was unnaturally fat for a human, sparking a debate about evil robots and when they would take over the planet (Final consensus was eight years. Five if China ever watches the movie “I, Robot” and gets ideas)
-1 person was drawn to the VP’s hot assistant and felt she was more competent than the liberal crazies on Palmer’s side
-1 person (my dad) snored loudly and scratched himself during the speech
Commercial Break
Sweet! The Transformers trailer! Boo! They aren’t doing the sound when they transform. This movie will suck because of that.
The vote, by show of hands, was spilt down the middle at seven a piece. But VP Fathead played the “I don’t see you” card by covering his eyes and pointing at K Hay, saying she quit earlier so her vote doesn’t count.
Welcome to America. We can’t protect ourselves from anything or vote without Supreme Court intervention.
In order to win, VP Fathead’s hot assistant offered to perjure herself to the court (sounds sexy) to give proof that the VP wasn’t going to recognize K Hay as the National Security Advisor. Fathead agreed to it and held her hand in thanks. I’m sure Hot Assistant Lisa was looking for more of a bear hug instead.
The entire conversation was caught on tape, thanks to Tom Boy’s micro transmitter and blackmails Fathead to call off his crusade to oust Palmer 2.0.
Mom’s reaction: “That little monkey is very good!”
This concludes our look into the 25th Amendment and I hope you learned that, like the 2nd Amendment, it’s only fun unless someone is shot in the end.
At CTU, sexy-former-terrorist Nadia continues to cocktease Stache with her Arabian good looks. However, Ricky “Strikeforce” Schroder breaks up the love and tells Nadia that Stache may have messed up and she has to help him see if it’s true.
Nadia discovers Stache did mess up and reports it to Strikeforce who immediately covers it up. Why did he do that? Because he’s a man searching for Nukes and religion.
Strikeforce: “I’ve read the Koran, the Bible, the dictionary…even Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead and still don’t have any answers.”
Nadia returns to her station and lies to Stache about what she was talking about with Strikeforce. Thus begins another solid CTU relationship forged through the power of lies and deceit. I give them two, maybe three hours.
Jack, who apparently spent the last 30 minutes giving Gen. Grendenko a death stare, decides to use the Russian as bait to get Fayed. The Russian agrees and is injected with a tracking device in his left arm.
Russian meets with Fayed, rips out the wire under his shirt and tells of Bauer outside waiting to ambush them both. However he has a plan and like all things Russian, it’s completely lacking in reason.
With the help of an ax, the Russian’s arm is hacked off, liberating the terrorists from the tracker and allowing them to roam around the Santa Monica Pier freely and into a hick bar. Outside, Bauer is pinned down by gunfire so he closes his eyes and says the “Show me your head” prayer for help. Don’t ever show Bauer anything, unless it’s a picture of you falling down stairs. He only understands pain.
In the hick bar, the Russian outs Fayed as the terrorist, which is the same as pointing at someone and yelling “gaaaaaaay” in a Catholic Church. Fayed shoots random people before he is stomped by drunk, patriotic Americans. Bauer storms in (fresh from shooting heads outside) and arrests Fayed.
So finally, Abu “I hope your friend is dead!” Fayed is captured and will be brought in, though it may not matter since his crew is itching to bomb anything in sight, even if it’s a Taylor Hicks concert where the causalities would be minimal (though it would mean that Hicks would be gone, so the upside is great).
The one-armed Russian escaped the bar and finds a place under the pier and by the water to have an epic, commie death. Gredenko will be missed. His one mistake was not taking the ax with him so that he could take other severed arms with him into the depths of hell.
Palmer 2.0 is now officially the president again and calls up the doctor for another celebratory shot of adrenaline. The rule is to take one when you wake up and another when you start to feel your organs caving in. You never take it if you’re pregnant or during an erection.
With word that Fayed is captured, though not with the bombs, Palmer 2.0 decides to go ahead and bomb brown people with nukes because no president wants to miss out on the chance of jump-starting World War III.
Speculation on why Palmer launched the nukes
-He dreamed of the future in the coma and is anxious to ski during the nuclear winter
-It’s Fathead in a Palmer mask
-He is actually an evil robot, making the Gallop poll prediction way off
This is the attack Sandra Palmer and K Hay woke Palmer 2.0 from the coma to stop, which proves, once again, that every liberal cause is a lost one and that, in the immortal words of Homer Simpson, the lesson here is “never try.”
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