5 a.m. to 7 a.m.
5.23.05
The Passion of the Pimp
It's not fair for terrorists to look as hot as Mandy, especially when she shows off that thigh holster. If she showed up in my apartment and started to walk around with the thigh holster and then took it off, I'd kill anyone and anything that she wanted. If I ever meet a girl with a thigh holster, I'll be screwed.
I was all set to write my proposal letter to her and send it to Fox until she opened her mouth and started to talk. In. Really. Choppy. Sentences.
"Will Michelle…save….your….life? Can…she…talk…as…sexy…as…this?"
I guess we know why she never talked all that much before. Apparently all she's good at is having sex and shooting people. Incidentally, that's all I'm looking for in a girlfriend.
Living in an apartment complex was a good move as well since they are ideal places to hide. Not only does everything look the same, but if you move the coffee table to the wall that opens the secret passage that allows people to escape.
If you turn the coffee table upside-down, the entire apartment goes up in flames. That's really all Feng Shui is, placing a coffee table in certain places around the apartment for a certain function.
Poor fat guy got shot. It's not fair. I guess in 24, fat people have no business being in the world unless they are working at CTU, sitting at a 24-hour buffet, or dying. Edgar should go to an Old Country Buffet just to be safe. And besides, he's had a long day.
Tony is naked, handcuffed, and on his knees. That's pretty much how all drunks end their day, so I wasn't too surprised about that. However, I was expecting him to start using his sex appeal on Mandy to try to win his freedom.
"Tell you what. I'll start dancing like a worm and let you rub my belly if you let me go."
If it worked on prom night, it'll work in the midst of a hostage situation. The only other thing he could have done was put an empty beer box on his head. It wouldn't have convinced Mandy to set him free, but it's pretty freaking hilarious.
5:30 a.m. It begins to rain in the world of 24, marking the first time weather was ever a factor. And how convenient that it was the precise moment that Mandy wanted to leave. Whose side are you on God?
Oh! The car blew up! Michelle screamed! Mandy said bitch!
The Bauer wasn't fooled for not only does he naturally distrust women, but he's seen this plotline too many times before and knows something must be up. And, just like before, the Bauer doesn't believe anything the government tells him.
"No Jack. Tony's gone. The car blew up. The computer told us so. Come on back. We're going to privatize social security and it's going to be awesome for everyone, I swear."
And how do you convince your neighbors to casually walk to a car with an umbrella pointed in a certain direction? I can't even convince mine to stop banging on the wall and screaming "Praise Jesus!" when they are having sex. Then again, I don't look good in a miniskirt or own a gun, so I guess I can't convince anyone to do anything.
Mandy was pretty sassy calling Michelle and sending her a photo of hostage Tony via picture phone. And you thought pictures phones were only good for porno pictures. Michelle wasn't willing to sacrifice a city for Tony? I would have been willing to give up Phoenix, St. Louis, and Cleveland.
I liked seeing Michelle freak out at everyone. It would have been better if she started to take off more clothing. Yea, Mandy really got to me. Why can't good people wear miniskirts?
The only defense against sexy women is to hump fight them. Hump fighting is what you do when you are handcuffed and all you can do is throw your body into the other person. In some cultures, this is used as a way to have sex and to kill people. Sometimes at the same time, which isn't a bad way to go.
However, the hump fight doesn't work when your opponent is a whore, because she practically invited the hump fight. So how do you defeat a whore?
POW!
You gotta dig deep and bring out the passion of the pimp inside of you to smack that bitch up with a quick one to the face. Even more impressive than that was how Curtis did it without leaving a mark on her.
If anything, Curtis can go on tour after his CTU career with his new book titled "Teach her a Lesson without going to Prison." It even rhymes a little so it could be a hip-hop song too.
The Year of the Rat
If you need to hide from anyone, especially the Asian government, San Diego is the ideal place to go. It's kind of like the apartment complex of cities. Not only is the weather beautiful, but people don't care who you are or where you came from. They only ask that you visit the zoo. If you don't go to the zoo, then they bring you up on charges.
That Asian guy is a tenacious little bastard. I've never hated Asians more. Maybe it's because he reminds me of my dad and the time I opened my car door and saw him sitting there with my report card yelling "You got a B in math?!"
Burns was holding pretty tight until crazy Asian man threatened to put him on a ship and send him off to labor camp. Burns is a wuss for giving up the Bauer. Labor camp isn't so bad. It's getting there that sucks. The boat ride will make you sick and car ride is full of bumps. If it was a concentration camp, then that would be slightly different…
Why couldn't someone smack Logan? His incessant yells of "we're screwed!" and "It's your fault!" brought me back to grade school. I wish the Chinese would storm the White House so that Secret Service could "accidentally" shoot the president. The government would be better off and the Chinese would feel like everything was square.
Phantom Shit
Marwan is still around? I thought that fool would have left by now. Oh that's right, the Bauer shot him with a rage bullet and, unlike regular bullets, those take some time to get out.
I liked how that fool couldn't leave in the helicopter because the Bauer's helicopter was right on top of him. That's what happens when you choose a getaway vehicle that doesn't have wheels. He should have just taken the bus like before or bought a scooter. Those are at least fun.
I love how the Bauer is never wrong. Most people wouldn't have paid any attention to some arbitrary sound in a parking garage and chalked it up to a rat or someone farting. But no, the Bauer hears something and automatically thinks, nay, knows that it's Marwan. I'm beginning to think the Bauer has super natural powers.
Then again, he couldn't get anything out of Marwan, even while he was dangling over the ledge. And that whole hand-slicing thing was just rude. Getting your hand sliced really hurts.
The missile is undetectable, traveling under the radar and heading toward a major US city. This makes the warhead kind of like that phantom shit. You felt it leave, but you won't be convinced of its existence until it starts to smell.
Hmm, despite Marwan shooting his phone or whatever that thing was, CTU was still able to retrieve information from it that was interpreted as a flight path. And, surprise surprise, the missile is headed to LA.
WHAT?
Why the HELL is it going to LA? Did Marwan have some beef with Hollywood? Is it possible that perhaps he didn't agree with the way Middle Eastern people were portrayed on television and on film and wanted to teach the entertainment industry a lesson? Soak up the irony people. Soak it up like a towel soaking up pee in the kitchen.
There is no fathomable reason for the missile to go to LA. It would have been 7 a.m. when the thing hit. The newscasters in LA wouldn't have woken up from their coke-induced coma, making the job of covering such a catastrophe impossible. Wouldn't Washington DC (because of the White House) or Nashville (to enrage country fans) been a better choice?
And yes let's take a shot in the dark at this foreign thing that is moving towards LA. Sure, it could be the 7:13 a.m. flight from Vegas that's heading to LAX, but at this point who cares?
I was kinda hoping to see the debris fall to the ground with this big metal plate hitting this car with the words "US Warhead. For Peace Keeping use only" written on the side.
A Fashionable Pair of Sunglasses
"Tony…I never realized how much I loved you until I saw you in this flannel shirt. Wear it to bed tonight."
Yay for Michelle and Tony. They will leave the life and hopefully open a taco stand or something.
Bad news for the Bauer as Audrey leaves him after realizing there is only one woman for the Bauer and that woman is CTU.
Getting dumped sucks enough, but when you find out that an entire country is pissed at you, it sort of dampens your mood even more. After I got dumped, I found out Guam was mad about an alleged public urination incident. From the letter I got yesterday, they still haven't let it go, despite the fact that their rose gardens have been flourishing.
The Bauer is being dumped twice in a matter of minutes now that the country wants to throw him to China. It would have been exciting to have the season end with Bauer getting arrested and being shipped to prison, but because he's the man that knows too much, a different course of action had to be taken.
"He must be killed. He knows where we keep that special stash of Twinkies. The Chinese don't have Twinkies. We must protect the Twinkie supply."
Those fools. The only person that can kill the Bauer is the Bauer. And he ain't gonna go out like a fool.
The Bauer smiled after Palmer told him he was going to be killed. You know why? Because the only thing more fun than thwarting terrorism is to screw with everyone you know.
To end the season with a game of hide-and-seek and watching the Bauer fake his own death was awesome. Even better that Tony and Michelle were in on it (I guess they can do whatever they want since they'll be opening that taco stand on the side of the road soon).
And now that everyone thinks the Bauer is dead, he has to assume a new identity. Hold your breath, because here comes your last list of the year.
Possible new names and identities for the Bauer:
1. Sheldon Lewis, male secretary
2. Kennedy McLaw, mall security guard who moonlights as a janitor at a strip club
3. Kiefer Sutherland, get those irony towels out again
4. George Nelson, the best furniture salesman in Mexico
5. Jack Daniels, his new way of torture is alcohol poisoning. There is only so much Jack a person can take.
So there he goes, wearing a pair of jeans and carrying a satchel in the morning sun. And just to make sure no one will be able to recognize him, he puts on a pair of sunglasses, putting him completely in disguise.
You may have the same hair and clothes as you did before, but with a fashionable pair of sunglasses you become instantly incognito and can do anything you want. For the Bauer, he is taking the only road he has ever known. It's a road that will lead him to Mexico where loose women, cheap beer, and wooden trinkets await him.
I fully expect season five to begin with the Bauer wearing a sombrero, riding a donkey, and completely drunk off of tequila. At least, that's how it's going to begin for me.
See you bastards next year…
5.17.2005
Promises and Sex at 4 a.m.
4 a.m. to 5 a.m.
5.16.05
After weeks and weeks of chastising Bitchelle for her evil harpy ways, she has finally crossed over to the pro-Tony side and embraced that lovable gun-toting drunk with open arms (cue the Journey song…now). She can now be called Michelle with affection since she's even willing to leave the only thing she's ever done (besides being a gold-digging whore) for the Tony.
However, I would be careful about these 4 a.m. promises. Girls say a lot of things after midnight that shouldn't be taken seriously, especially when it enters into the realm of relationship talk. Actually guys say a lot of things they don't mean at 4 a.m. too like "Ya I can drive" or "Nah, I'm not gonna puke on you or your friend's bathroom sink."
Suggestions on new careers for Michelle (Tony will be a Spanish soccer coach).
1. Teach high school (A lot like CTU except with more guns and epic romances)
2. Open a small shop that sells nothing but orange juice and music, because you can never have too much of either.
3. Host a late-night infomercial that sells a new knife that can cut everything from truck tires to uncomfortable silences
4. A pirate (self explanatory)
And since Michelle is no longer the bitch, we have a new diva to take the crown. Welcome back Mandy, the slut of the 24 world that shows up either in the very beginning or the very end to have sex, kill someone, or both. Poor Mandy, will she ever find love? Maybe she's the one Bauer has been searching for his entire life. A girl who will kill or kiss anyone to get what she wants, much like The Bauer.
Background: Mandy was in season 1 and 2. She's a hired gun for terrorists around the world. She was featured in the calendar Terrorism Hotties as the most coveted month of July. She is bi-sexual. It's best to shoot her during sex, since that may be the only time she's unarmed.
Tony is a hostage. I hope Michelle comes storming out and tackles Mandy for stealing her man, just when they were ready to start over. 24 could end in an epic cat-fight with the Bauer and Tony sitting back and watching the show, each with a strange satisfied grin, as if this was the scene they hoped to see at the end of their hard day. (then again, who doesn't want to end the day that way?).
I didn't think it was possible, but Logan found a new way to annoy the shit out of me. Whenever someone is talking to him, he tilts his head back and shows off his nostrils. It's gross and ridiculous to think that the most presidential part of him is his nose. He may not know how to lead a country, but he'll be the first one in the room to figure out who farted or ate cookies for dinner. He should be moved to the Department of Homeland Security because knowing who farted first is essential for this country's survival in this world of terrorism.
Cheesy line of the night said by the speaker of the house about Logan being advised by the Palmer: "Well, it's good to know that he's in good hands." (You'll get it once you see one of Palmer's All-State commercials.)
Marwan escaped…AGAIN? This guy is the Bauer except he uses his powers for evil instead of good. However, he does lack the ability to think for himself. He's spent so much time, money and energy on bringing America to its knees, he never thought of what he might want if he ever succeeded. That fool. The Bauer was ready to offer him anything.
I would have at least asked for a strong cup of coffee that would clear out the bowels in under 45 seconds. It's been a long day and I'm sure Marwan has got some backup there.
And where is he going? What does a terrorist do when he's achieved everything he's wanted? My guess is Denny's because after a successful day, an order of the Superbird tastes all the more better.
But it looks like we don't need Marwan anymore since Hellboy made a booty call last week. I, like the Bauer, was anxious to see some more torture on the lesser Heller and was pissed that Audrey stepped in to run interference. You could tell the Bauer was anxious to slap this boy to pieces.
"Fine, you have five minutes. I'm going to warm up my lamp."
I think I'd rather be tortured by the Bauer's lamp instead of my dad coming in and threatening to allow CTU to use "every piece of equipment" they have. I've seen those pens they use and they look like they could do some really nasty damage. That and no one wants to come out of the closet in a government building where you can actually feel everyone pull back and say "eewww" in their mind.
He's gay! That was the big secret secret he's been hiding! This marked the first time I yelled "holy shit!" during 24 when it wasn't someone dying, something exploding or the Bauer torturing someone with a household appliance. And I give Fox credit. If you're going to add some soap-opera themes into an action-packed show, the best way to do it is to get some kid who's got OC experience.
I liked Heller's reaction to the "I slept with a dude" comment by turning his back and moving to the opposite part of the room, as if he were afraid he was going to catch gay. He even kicked his son in the balls one last time when he left.
"You've made a profound mistake today…and being gay is sooooo out. The Queer Eye ratings having been plummeting. They even tried going to Texas this season. Texas!"
But wait, the lesser Heller got high and had sex at 4 a.m., another fine example of how it is better to be asleep than awake at this hour. Nothing good has ever come from being awake at 4 a.m. The night is about to end and the sun is on the verge of rearing it's ugly bright head at you.
Where is this missile going and does anyone care? No one has offered a grand plan to try to stop it. Maybe no one will because it will be revealed that it's headed towards Atlanta and everyone will shrug their shoulders and say "Eh, no one likes the Braves anyway" and be done with it. If the warhead doesn't explode, I fully expect it to be a dud because it was made in the USA and it's one thing we can be proud of, it's the occasional chance of shoddy craftsmanship.
5.16.05
After weeks and weeks of chastising Bitchelle for her evil harpy ways, she has finally crossed over to the pro-Tony side and embraced that lovable gun-toting drunk with open arms (cue the Journey song…now). She can now be called Michelle with affection since she's even willing to leave the only thing she's ever done (besides being a gold-digging whore) for the Tony.
However, I would be careful about these 4 a.m. promises. Girls say a lot of things after midnight that shouldn't be taken seriously, especially when it enters into the realm of relationship talk. Actually guys say a lot of things they don't mean at 4 a.m. too like "Ya I can drive" or "Nah, I'm not gonna puke on you or your friend's bathroom sink."
Suggestions on new careers for Michelle (Tony will be a Spanish soccer coach).
1. Teach high school (A lot like CTU except with more guns and epic romances)
2. Open a small shop that sells nothing but orange juice and music, because you can never have too much of either.
3. Host a late-night infomercial that sells a new knife that can cut everything from truck tires to uncomfortable silences
4. A pirate (self explanatory)
And since Michelle is no longer the bitch, we have a new diva to take the crown. Welcome back Mandy, the slut of the 24 world that shows up either in the very beginning or the very end to have sex, kill someone, or both. Poor Mandy, will she ever find love? Maybe she's the one Bauer has been searching for his entire life. A girl who will kill or kiss anyone to get what she wants, much like The Bauer.
Background: Mandy was in season 1 and 2. She's a hired gun for terrorists around the world. She was featured in the calendar Terrorism Hotties as the most coveted month of July. She is bi-sexual. It's best to shoot her during sex, since that may be the only time she's unarmed.
Tony is a hostage. I hope Michelle comes storming out and tackles Mandy for stealing her man, just when they were ready to start over. 24 could end in an epic cat-fight with the Bauer and Tony sitting back and watching the show, each with a strange satisfied grin, as if this was the scene they hoped to see at the end of their hard day. (then again, who doesn't want to end the day that way?).
I didn't think it was possible, but Logan found a new way to annoy the shit out of me. Whenever someone is talking to him, he tilts his head back and shows off his nostrils. It's gross and ridiculous to think that the most presidential part of him is his nose. He may not know how to lead a country, but he'll be the first one in the room to figure out who farted or ate cookies for dinner. He should be moved to the Department of Homeland Security because knowing who farted first is essential for this country's survival in this world of terrorism.
Cheesy line of the night said by the speaker of the house about Logan being advised by the Palmer: "Well, it's good to know that he's in good hands." (You'll get it once you see one of Palmer's All-State commercials.)
Marwan escaped…AGAIN? This guy is the Bauer except he uses his powers for evil instead of good. However, he does lack the ability to think for himself. He's spent so much time, money and energy on bringing America to its knees, he never thought of what he might want if he ever succeeded. That fool. The Bauer was ready to offer him anything.
I would have at least asked for a strong cup of coffee that would clear out the bowels in under 45 seconds. It's been a long day and I'm sure Marwan has got some backup there.
And where is he going? What does a terrorist do when he's achieved everything he's wanted? My guess is Denny's because after a successful day, an order of the Superbird tastes all the more better.
But it looks like we don't need Marwan anymore since Hellboy made a booty call last week. I, like the Bauer, was anxious to see some more torture on the lesser Heller and was pissed that Audrey stepped in to run interference. You could tell the Bauer was anxious to slap this boy to pieces.
"Fine, you have five minutes. I'm going to warm up my lamp."
I think I'd rather be tortured by the Bauer's lamp instead of my dad coming in and threatening to allow CTU to use "every piece of equipment" they have. I've seen those pens they use and they look like they could do some really nasty damage. That and no one wants to come out of the closet in a government building where you can actually feel everyone pull back and say "eewww" in their mind.
He's gay! That was the big secret secret he's been hiding! This marked the first time I yelled "holy shit!" during 24 when it wasn't someone dying, something exploding or the Bauer torturing someone with a household appliance. And I give Fox credit. If you're going to add some soap-opera themes into an action-packed show, the best way to do it is to get some kid who's got OC experience.
I liked Heller's reaction to the "I slept with a dude" comment by turning his back and moving to the opposite part of the room, as if he were afraid he was going to catch gay. He even kicked his son in the balls one last time when he left.
"You've made a profound mistake today…and being gay is sooooo out. The Queer Eye ratings having been plummeting. They even tried going to Texas this season. Texas!"
But wait, the lesser Heller got high and had sex at 4 a.m., another fine example of how it is better to be asleep than awake at this hour. Nothing good has ever come from being awake at 4 a.m. The night is about to end and the sun is on the verge of rearing it's ugly bright head at you.
Where is this missile going and does anyone care? No one has offered a grand plan to try to stop it. Maybe no one will because it will be revealed that it's headed towards Atlanta and everyone will shrug their shoulders and say "Eh, no one likes the Braves anyway" and be done with it. If the warhead doesn't explode, I fully expect it to be a dud because it was made in the USA and it's one thing we can be proud of, it's the occasional chance of shoddy craftsmanship.
5.10.2005
Welcome to the Dark Side
3 a.m. to 4 a.m.
5.9.05
There are only a few actions a man can do to get a woman to forgive him when he does something wrong like trip and fall on her cat or indirectly kill her husband. Saying you're sorry and giving her a hug isn't one of them. Giving her a box of candy and paying her car insurance for a year would have been better. Candy is yummy and car insurance is annoying unless you crash into a lot of things.
The Bauer is going to have to realize that he's not built for a relationship. The job is the only thing that loves him back. When he tries to love other people or things, the job punishes him by killing them or sending them away. The job is jealous of anyone that the Bauer looks at. If Bauer isn't careful, the job will lure him completely to the dark side and cause him to do weird creep things.
A big "hey now" to Chloe moving in on the Bauer with the whole "I'm here for you" play. Being there for someone in relationship need means you want to throw that person up against the wall and do nasty dirty things to them.
I shudder to think what sort of weird experience that would be for the Bauer. He must have come to the same conclusion since he shot Chloe the "Are you serious" glance. Apparently he already read the memo Buchanan sent out about Chloe's "personality disorder" and doesn't want to date the weird chic at work.
Since the days of the cavemen, the tradition of doing something bad and lying about it to everyone you know has been passed down from generation to generation. It has reached such high places as the White House and low places like your mom's bedroom.
The Palmer had to deal with lying to a country. This is on par with lying to your mom about what you did (or didn't do) on a Saturday night with your friends. You have to tread carefully with this because if you mess up you could be at war with your mom or a country. Both are equally bad and can cause the same amount of casualties.
Blaming someone else is key, especially when you have factual evidence to back up your claims. That's why you always made friends with the bad kids in school. In case you got in trouble, you could always blame them.
The kids who didn't befriend the bad kids in school turned into people like the spineless President Logan who looks at you with bugged-out eyes and whines "Why did you do that?!?"
And c'mon, a billion Chinese at war with you? Yea, that's only if the bums and the millions of fast food owners get their pitchforks and start throwing them towards us. They just discovered capitalism and electricity. They also shoot their own people half the time when they are actually armed with guns. I don't think we have that much to worry about. That is, unless they combine capitalism and electricity. And start aiming correctly instead of squeezing the trigger in a fit of rage. Then we're screwed.
I wish Bauer's A-Team came up with their alibis or at least discussed the option to for a couple of minutes. Then we could have heard Curtis, The Bauer, or the two other random guys say one of the following.
1. "We were at Fridays."
2. "I was in the bathroom. And I wouldn't go in there for at least an hour."
3. "I tripped and fell on a cat"
It didn't matter anyway since random guy #2 (aka The Mask) screwed it all up because he allowed the Chinese soldier to reveal his face for the camera. Luckily for The Mask, he had the option of running away in a helicopter and probably headed to Vegas. If you've done wrong, that's the place to go to feel right.
Chang has to settle down with his accusations, though he's probably more pissed that someone got him up at 3 in the morning. He didn't even believe that the non-Asian guy could have been part of a group that wants to see China go down. The Bauer should have simply replied "Dude, everyone hates China" and left it at that.
More plot teasing with Bitchelle and Tony. Maybe if they utter one romantic line to each other in each episode, they would have completed the entire "I want you back" conversation by the end of the season.
And nice segue by Tony to initiate the relationship talk with Bitchelle.
"Imagine. I saw them hours ago and they seemed totally right for each other. And now, everything is ruined. Which reminds me of us, except the opposite. Yea, let's do it."
Buchanan deserves to lose Bitchelle to Tony. There are two things you don't leave Tony alone with in a room and that is women and beer.
Where the hell was Edgar? I was concerned at the midpoint of the episode because despite the very talented agents at CTU, it is not that easy to hide a fat man. Could it be that he finally got something to eat?
It must have been one of those stupid subs (AKA Subway. I hate Jared and I know I'm not alone) since he blew the cover-up completely. It's always the fat guy that ruins it for everyone else. And it's always because the fat guy was left out of the party.
It sucks to be CTU and playing Where's Warhead?, especially since the area they have to search in is the middle of the country where every thing and everyone looks the same. If the warhead was wearing a striped red and white hat and glasses, then maybe CTU would have a chance.
There is a 300-mile radius and, thanks to some creative background checking there is a guy that gave Marwan a "super weggie" in 1996. No one likes weggies, especially when the underwear disappears into your ass. And if you've had one done to you, then you know the pain and embarrassment is grounds for a warhead to be dropped on the perp's head.
Marwan strapped the warhead to a missile? This guy is so badass. He totally doesn't mess around, especially with the four-minute launch countdown. A lesser terrorist would have made it 30 minutes just to create tension. Not Marwan. He just wants people to die so he can go home and listen to Norah Jones to relax.
Yay! The Bauer shot Marwan! Now he's poking his gun at him. And there comes the creepy smile and the wild look in Bauer's left eye. Watch out kids, the Bauer has entered the Dark Side and since he's naturally violent, this means he'll just turn into a creepy middle-aged man.
Marwan picked up on this as well, which is why he requested to die. He played it up like he was done with his job, but in reality he's just incredibly homophobic. There's always more terrorism to commit, but there's only so much man-gun-love a terrorist can take.
Speculation on the final destination of warhead missile
1. Canada, making Marwan a patriot and The Bauer a terrorist for trying to stop him for the past 20 plus hours.
2. Missouri. In the immortal words of Abe Simpson. "I'll be in a cold, cold grave before I recognize Missouri as a state!"
3. China. Ah the irony.
4. Nowhere. The missile is a dud thanks to shoddy handy work from a factory in Detroit that boasts the slogan "Three working missiles out of six is better than none!"
5.9.05
There are only a few actions a man can do to get a woman to forgive him when he does something wrong like trip and fall on her cat or indirectly kill her husband. Saying you're sorry and giving her a hug isn't one of them. Giving her a box of candy and paying her car insurance for a year would have been better. Candy is yummy and car insurance is annoying unless you crash into a lot of things.
The Bauer is going to have to realize that he's not built for a relationship. The job is the only thing that loves him back. When he tries to love other people or things, the job punishes him by killing them or sending them away. The job is jealous of anyone that the Bauer looks at. If Bauer isn't careful, the job will lure him completely to the dark side and cause him to do weird creep things.
A big "hey now" to Chloe moving in on the Bauer with the whole "I'm here for you" play. Being there for someone in relationship need means you want to throw that person up against the wall and do nasty dirty things to them.
I shudder to think what sort of weird experience that would be for the Bauer. He must have come to the same conclusion since he shot Chloe the "Are you serious" glance. Apparently he already read the memo Buchanan sent out about Chloe's "personality disorder" and doesn't want to date the weird chic at work.
Since the days of the cavemen, the tradition of doing something bad and lying about it to everyone you know has been passed down from generation to generation. It has reached such high places as the White House and low places like your mom's bedroom.
The Palmer had to deal with lying to a country. This is on par with lying to your mom about what you did (or didn't do) on a Saturday night with your friends. You have to tread carefully with this because if you mess up you could be at war with your mom or a country. Both are equally bad and can cause the same amount of casualties.
Blaming someone else is key, especially when you have factual evidence to back up your claims. That's why you always made friends with the bad kids in school. In case you got in trouble, you could always blame them.
The kids who didn't befriend the bad kids in school turned into people like the spineless President Logan who looks at you with bugged-out eyes and whines "Why did you do that?!?"
And c'mon, a billion Chinese at war with you? Yea, that's only if the bums and the millions of fast food owners get their pitchforks and start throwing them towards us. They just discovered capitalism and electricity. They also shoot their own people half the time when they are actually armed with guns. I don't think we have that much to worry about. That is, unless they combine capitalism and electricity. And start aiming correctly instead of squeezing the trigger in a fit of rage. Then we're screwed.
I wish Bauer's A-Team came up with their alibis or at least discussed the option to for a couple of minutes. Then we could have heard Curtis, The Bauer, or the two other random guys say one of the following.
1. "We were at Fridays."
2. "I was in the bathroom. And I wouldn't go in there for at least an hour."
3. "I tripped and fell on a cat"
It didn't matter anyway since random guy #2 (aka The Mask) screwed it all up because he allowed the Chinese soldier to reveal his face for the camera. Luckily for The Mask, he had the option of running away in a helicopter and probably headed to Vegas. If you've done wrong, that's the place to go to feel right.
Chang has to settle down with his accusations, though he's probably more pissed that someone got him up at 3 in the morning. He didn't even believe that the non-Asian guy could have been part of a group that wants to see China go down. The Bauer should have simply replied "Dude, everyone hates China" and left it at that.
More plot teasing with Bitchelle and Tony. Maybe if they utter one romantic line to each other in each episode, they would have completed the entire "I want you back" conversation by the end of the season.
And nice segue by Tony to initiate the relationship talk with Bitchelle.
"Imagine. I saw them hours ago and they seemed totally right for each other. And now, everything is ruined. Which reminds me of us, except the opposite. Yea, let's do it."
Buchanan deserves to lose Bitchelle to Tony. There are two things you don't leave Tony alone with in a room and that is women and beer.
Where the hell was Edgar? I was concerned at the midpoint of the episode because despite the very talented agents at CTU, it is not that easy to hide a fat man. Could it be that he finally got something to eat?
It must have been one of those stupid subs (AKA Subway. I hate Jared and I know I'm not alone) since he blew the cover-up completely. It's always the fat guy that ruins it for everyone else. And it's always because the fat guy was left out of the party.
It sucks to be CTU and playing Where's Warhead?, especially since the area they have to search in is the middle of the country where every thing and everyone looks the same. If the warhead was wearing a striped red and white hat and glasses, then maybe CTU would have a chance.
There is a 300-mile radius and, thanks to some creative background checking there is a guy that gave Marwan a "super weggie" in 1996. No one likes weggies, especially when the underwear disappears into your ass. And if you've had one done to you, then you know the pain and embarrassment is grounds for a warhead to be dropped on the perp's head.
Marwan strapped the warhead to a missile? This guy is so badass. He totally doesn't mess around, especially with the four-minute launch countdown. A lesser terrorist would have made it 30 minutes just to create tension. Not Marwan. He just wants people to die so he can go home and listen to Norah Jones to relax.
Yay! The Bauer shot Marwan! Now he's poking his gun at him. And there comes the creepy smile and the wild look in Bauer's left eye. Watch out kids, the Bauer has entered the Dark Side and since he's naturally violent, this means he'll just turn into a creepy middle-aged man.
Marwan picked up on this as well, which is why he requested to die. He played it up like he was done with his job, but in reality he's just incredibly homophobic. There's always more terrorism to commit, but there's only so much man-gun-love a terrorist can take.
Speculation on the final destination of warhead missile
1. Canada, making Marwan a patriot and The Bauer a terrorist for trying to stop him for the past 20 plus hours.
2. Missouri. In the immortal words of Abe Simpson. "I'll be in a cold, cold grave before I recognize Missouri as a state!"
3. China. Ah the irony.
4. Nowhere. The missile is a dud thanks to shoddy handy work from a factory in Detroit that boasts the slogan "Three working missiles out of six is better than none!"
5.03.2005
Lost in Translation
2 a.m. to 3 a.m.
5.2.05
Watch out America. The terrorists have a warhead. And it's not just any warhead, it's an S-series, which means it was made by BMW and not only can it detonate in 5.4 seconds, but it is also iPod compatible so the bomb can listen to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" before it crashes into a building.
The Palmer is back and he's already got wimpy Logan to leave to the conference room so he can cry about being a crappy president. Of course he's not in the West Wing. He's a wuss and his acting sucks. The writers must hate Logan too since they give him the worst lines.
"The terrorists have this warhead. Help me find it."
As if the warhead was a set of keys or the remote control that Logan lost under the couch while eating a slice of pizza and scratching his ass. I hate that guy almost as much as I hate looking under my couch and finding a discarded warhead instead of the remote control. Between that and losing my socks in the laundry, I am one static-electric shock from burning down this apartment.
Audrey's going to Massachusetts with half-dead Paul? What is up with this chick? Suddenly she's turned from the hot Sheryl Crow looking girl to the Bauer-hating she-bitch that is ready to leave with some guy with a spinal-chord injury. Women will always leave you for a guy who has a minimal chance of survival. Why? Because deep down inside all women want a Lifetime movie to be about her life.
It's been awhile since we've had some crazies on the show, so it was nice to see this Jen girl call in to check on Tony. And who gets a direct line to CTU? Is there an ad in the yellowpages or something?
"Seen any minorities with guns, suspicious bookmarks on your boyfriend's computer, or a warhead under your couch? Then call 1-800-The-Bauer to get any of our young attractive operators who are standing by to take your inane calls. And if you call within the next 20 minutes with a genuine lead, you get a free coffee mug."
It would have been better if Jen Crazy showed up at CTU with her Wal-Mart outfit and created a scene.
"How could you be here? Remember when we met at the 24-hour Wal-Mart and you helped me stack the toilet paper because you had nothing else better to do? What happened to that guy? I miss him."
There may be hope for Bitchelle after all now that she's shown her girlish feelings for Tony.
"Do you love her?"
That's a really dumb question though. No one could love anyone who works for Wal-Mart, which was exemplified with Tony's silent "Hell no" shake of the head.
Aside from romantic love lingering in the air, we have weird love between Edgar and Chloe. Behind their sarcastic remarks and equal distaste for each other, there is something erupting underneath. It's just a shame no one will want to see it. If it does happen, expect a collective "Oh MAN!" from the CTU staff as they shield their eyes from the scene.
Edgar does have some competition with Chloe since the Bauer used his "boyfriend voice" with Chloe to see if she was ok. If it's one thing Edgar doesn't have, it's a "boyfriend voice"…or a boyfriend belly for that matter. He could seriously crush her if he ever gets on top, and that's assuming he could get up the stairs into the bedroom.
I've always wanted to see the Bauer invade a county and I guess infiltrating the Chinese consulate is the closest thing I'm ever going to see. And how does one invade and extract a terrorist suspect from a consulate? Follow the Bauer plan.
1. One ski mask so when people see you, they know you possess ill intentions
2. One Chinese interpreter so you can understand the swear words
3. One dart gun because darts are more annoying than bullets
4. One black man because Chinese people are scared to death of them
It was fitting to see a slew of Chinese people with guns on television. Just today, CNN had a story about how Asians are misrepresented on television.
As always, FOX makes everyone look foolish by going that extra mile. When Law & Order or Desperate Housewives attempt to bring in one Asian character on the show, 24 will enlist the use of an entire country.
Sure, they are still bad, but it's refreshing to see Asians as terrorists as opposed to a drunken karate master or a food delivery guy. Now Asians will be seen as people who can blow the crap out of your country instead of the guy who leaves menus taped to your door that you're just going to throw in the street.
The Bauer doesn't see things or people in color. He only sees things and people in how they can serve his purpose. In his escape from the Chinese palace, the Asian terrorist was used as a human shield. I heard in an upcoming episode he's going to use a Quiznos Sub as a beating stick. Because it's toasted, they hurt more.
It's amazing that 20 people couldn't hit a man running out of their building but could hit the non-moving guy who was shouting "Stop!" And don't give me the you couldn't tell who was bad or good crap. He's the only white guy in there with a ski mask on. Hello? Ski mask = ill intentions. Did you not see the memo?
There is a defense to torture. Speak a different language. The look of utter disappointment was pretty apparent when the interpreter asked the Bauer what he wanted to do.
"We'll just give him what he wants. You can't torture a foreigner. Your threats get lost in translation."
You know what else gets lost in translation? When you force a doctor at gunpoint to stop working on your girlfriend's husband to fix up a terrorist suspect. Oh, and then the husband dies despite the Bauer playing doctor for a couple of minutes.
Random Thought: You can tell blood is filling up in someone's lungs by putting your ear to their chest? Do you hear a "glug glug" sound or something? And if I hear that in my belly, does that mean blood is filling up down there too?
It's also hard to believe that CTU only has one doctor who can perform a surgery. This is the place where the Bauer works and I'm sure this isn't the first time he's wheeled in two different guys who were shot because of him.
I'll be impressed if the Bauer can scam his way back to Audrey, especially after pulling the gun on the doctor and forcing him to leave half-dead Paul. Hmm, choosing between the welfare of the country or getting laid later that night. That sucks.
And hearing your girlfriend yell "You son of a bitch! I hate you! It's your fault he's dead!" isn't very promising either. The last time I heard those words was when my buddy came home from a bachelor party. I'd go into the details, but you'd probably puke on the computer.
But if anyone can get away with having a bachelor party that consists of breaking the law, using an Asian man as a human shield, and killing your girlfriend's husband, it's the Bauer. In fact, I think I just figured out what I'm gonna do for mine if I ever get married.
5.2.05
Watch out America. The terrorists have a warhead. And it's not just any warhead, it's an S-series, which means it was made by BMW and not only can it detonate in 5.4 seconds, but it is also iPod compatible so the bomb can listen to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" before it crashes into a building.
The Palmer is back and he's already got wimpy Logan to leave to the conference room so he can cry about being a crappy president. Of course he's not in the West Wing. He's a wuss and his acting sucks. The writers must hate Logan too since they give him the worst lines.
"The terrorists have this warhead. Help me find it."
As if the warhead was a set of keys or the remote control that Logan lost under the couch while eating a slice of pizza and scratching his ass. I hate that guy almost as much as I hate looking under my couch and finding a discarded warhead instead of the remote control. Between that and losing my socks in the laundry, I am one static-electric shock from burning down this apartment.
Audrey's going to Massachusetts with half-dead Paul? What is up with this chick? Suddenly she's turned from the hot Sheryl Crow looking girl to the Bauer-hating she-bitch that is ready to leave with some guy with a spinal-chord injury. Women will always leave you for a guy who has a minimal chance of survival. Why? Because deep down inside all women want a Lifetime movie to be about her life.
It's been awhile since we've had some crazies on the show, so it was nice to see this Jen girl call in to check on Tony. And who gets a direct line to CTU? Is there an ad in the yellowpages or something?
"Seen any minorities with guns, suspicious bookmarks on your boyfriend's computer, or a warhead under your couch? Then call 1-800-The-Bauer to get any of our young attractive operators who are standing by to take your inane calls. And if you call within the next 20 minutes with a genuine lead, you get a free coffee mug."
It would have been better if Jen Crazy showed up at CTU with her Wal-Mart outfit and created a scene.
"How could you be here? Remember when we met at the 24-hour Wal-Mart and you helped me stack the toilet paper because you had nothing else better to do? What happened to that guy? I miss him."
There may be hope for Bitchelle after all now that she's shown her girlish feelings for Tony.
"Do you love her?"
That's a really dumb question though. No one could love anyone who works for Wal-Mart, which was exemplified with Tony's silent "Hell no" shake of the head.
Aside from romantic love lingering in the air, we have weird love between Edgar and Chloe. Behind their sarcastic remarks and equal distaste for each other, there is something erupting underneath. It's just a shame no one will want to see it. If it does happen, expect a collective "Oh MAN!" from the CTU staff as they shield their eyes from the scene.
Edgar does have some competition with Chloe since the Bauer used his "boyfriend voice" with Chloe to see if she was ok. If it's one thing Edgar doesn't have, it's a "boyfriend voice"…or a boyfriend belly for that matter. He could seriously crush her if he ever gets on top, and that's assuming he could get up the stairs into the bedroom.
I've always wanted to see the Bauer invade a county and I guess infiltrating the Chinese consulate is the closest thing I'm ever going to see. And how does one invade and extract a terrorist suspect from a consulate? Follow the Bauer plan.
1. One ski mask so when people see you, they know you possess ill intentions
2. One Chinese interpreter so you can understand the swear words
3. One dart gun because darts are more annoying than bullets
4. One black man because Chinese people are scared to death of them
It was fitting to see a slew of Chinese people with guns on television. Just today, CNN had a story about how Asians are misrepresented on television.
As always, FOX makes everyone look foolish by going that extra mile. When Law & Order or Desperate Housewives attempt to bring in one Asian character on the show, 24 will enlist the use of an entire country.
Sure, they are still bad, but it's refreshing to see Asians as terrorists as opposed to a drunken karate master or a food delivery guy. Now Asians will be seen as people who can blow the crap out of your country instead of the guy who leaves menus taped to your door that you're just going to throw in the street.
The Bauer doesn't see things or people in color. He only sees things and people in how they can serve his purpose. In his escape from the Chinese palace, the Asian terrorist was used as a human shield. I heard in an upcoming episode he's going to use a Quiznos Sub as a beating stick. Because it's toasted, they hurt more.
It's amazing that 20 people couldn't hit a man running out of their building but could hit the non-moving guy who was shouting "Stop!" And don't give me the you couldn't tell who was bad or good crap. He's the only white guy in there with a ski mask on. Hello? Ski mask = ill intentions. Did you not see the memo?
There is a defense to torture. Speak a different language. The look of utter disappointment was pretty apparent when the interpreter asked the Bauer what he wanted to do.
"We'll just give him what he wants. You can't torture a foreigner. Your threats get lost in translation."
You know what else gets lost in translation? When you force a doctor at gunpoint to stop working on your girlfriend's husband to fix up a terrorist suspect. Oh, and then the husband dies despite the Bauer playing doctor for a couple of minutes.
Random Thought: You can tell blood is filling up in someone's lungs by putting your ear to their chest? Do you hear a "glug glug" sound or something? And if I hear that in my belly, does that mean blood is filling up down there too?
It's also hard to believe that CTU only has one doctor who can perform a surgery. This is the place where the Bauer works and I'm sure this isn't the first time he's wheeled in two different guys who were shot because of him.
I'll be impressed if the Bauer can scam his way back to Audrey, especially after pulling the gun on the doctor and forcing him to leave half-dead Paul. Hmm, choosing between the welfare of the country or getting laid later that night. That sucks.
And hearing your girlfriend yell "You son of a bitch! I hate you! It's your fault he's dead!" isn't very promising either. The last time I heard those words was when my buddy came home from a bachelor party. I'd go into the details, but you'd probably puke on the computer.
But if anyone can get away with having a bachelor party that consists of breaking the law, using an Asian man as a human shield, and killing your girlfriend's husband, it's the Bauer. In fact, I think I just figured out what I'm gonna do for mine if I ever get married.
4.26.2005
Seven Words You Can't Say to a Man
4.25.05
1 a.m. to 2 a.m.
"Did Jack do this?"
Ah the eternal question around 24. You can tell the Bauer did something when you see the branding on the side of his victims. It's small, but with a magnifying glass you'll be able to read "Beat by Bauer" on it. If he's really pissed at you, he'll put it on your forehead.
Poor Audrey is turning more into a mom than a girlfriend these days. You can tell from the stern look she gave Jack with her arms crossed in the hall. She's diminished Jack to being a rowdy 14-year-old who needs to be locked in his room for all the hi-jinks he's done.
Curtis: Dude….she's looking at you.
The Bauer: Walk away. Slowly. I'll confuse her with an ambiguous smile.
Instead of love, all the Bauer gets is a speech about consequences. That's such a mom thing to do and it never works. My mom said drugs and alcohol were bad. Boy was she wrong. Drugs and alcohol got me to where I am today…which is at the bar…with a bunch of old men…who call me sonny boy.
But I guess when you piss off President "You want it when?!" Logan, you're bound to suffer some crap for your actions. So let's arrest the Bauer and put him in the time-out car so he can think of what he did wrong. Yes, that's the answer. The more we run this country like a first grade class room, the better we'll be.
Marwan certainly knows how to party. What better place to film a terrorist video than in a closed off room of a dance club? If you get bored, you can always run out the door and start dancing.
Which apparently is why you see 40-year-old men in dance clubs. It isn't for the college aged girls (or boys). It's the perfect cover to conduct business, both legal and illegal. And besides, walking through a club while talking on a cell phone makes you sooo badass.
The Reasons for Terrorism:
Um, pretty damn weak and obvious. Oh the United States is a bully. We will blow you up until you admit you suck. Yea, we know that. Why don't you come up with something more specific? We know we're a bully and have come to terms with it. Why can't you?
And I'm sick of the vagueness. Give me something specific dammit.
"To the people of the United States. I am sick and tired of waiting for my pizza after I order it. The ad in the phonebook said prompt service, but here I sit for over 40 minutes with no pizza. Where is the pizza? I ordered it, so it should be here. Is this not a service that is easy to provide? I can plan a terrorist attack easier than I can get a pie with extra cheese, peppers, and sausage. It is because of this grave injustice that your country will be terrorized until you remedy this problem...and I get my damn pizza."
There are seven words in the English language that, if used in the right order at the right time, will strike complete and utter fear into the heart of every man in this country.
"I found that bookmark on your computer."
The mere thought of answering the phone and hearing your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, or boss say those words will send a man into hysterics. Why? Because, as is usually the case, it means they (the enemy) found your hidden stash of computer porn.
Go ahead, ask your male friends. If they're honest, they'll admit it. If they deny it, say the above seven words and watch them crumble and freak out. If they're smart, they would have renamed the bookmark to something that sounds mundane or commonplace like "tennis."
It's common enough to not raise any flags and boring enough to deter anyone from actually clicking on it.
Sabir the terrorist should have lied to his girlfriend and told her he was cheating on her. Women need a reason, any reason. But nooo, Sabir had to be vague and say he couldn't tell her what was going on. This leads back to the problem terrorists' have of not being specific enough.
And she knows his politics? What does that mean? Does Sabir have a Death to the United States tattooed on his ass? And if he does, what the HELL are you doing with him?
Girlfriend logic: "Oh, I know he has his faults and that, sure he might be into this whole America is bad thing. But when he hugs me and I smell him, I just remember that time he brought me flowers on the beach and…"
Scent is the strongest sense tied to memory. How will you be remembered?
Old Spice Body Spray. Helping terrorists fool their girlfriends one hug at a time.
I want the video camera that I can make walk through a vent. I wouldn't use it for spying. I would use it to look into the living room to see what's on television as I work in the office or to even check the fridge for a beer. It would need a remote and a claw too. Then again, if I had the funds for such things I could probably just buy another television for the office and get a mini fridge.
Another problem terrorists have is not being able to mesh well with the environment they are in. Maybe this is where their hatred for America stems from. If we just taught them how to dance, maybe this whole hatred thing would blow-over. I'm calling Kofi at the UN now. He's always up this late watching Law & Order reruns anyway.
And finally, the Palmer comes back! Though I was a little disappointed that he didn't pick up a shotgun and say "Let's roll" to his secret service pals. I still hold on to the hope that Palmer will be out in the field with the Bauer, shooting everyone up and leaving All State business cards on the cars he crashes into.
Palmer should see Logan face-to-face so he knows just how much of a wuss this bastard is. Logan looks like a goldfish I used to have as a kid. We called him "Shit Brick" and cheered when we flushed him down the toilet.
Logan's heroes for this episode (AKA people who have a nervous breakdown): Jack for his monkey dance while yelling "WE HAD HIM DAMMIT!" and Edgar huffing and puffing about how no one can use his computer. Maybe he has some bookmarks too…
I had just about had it with Edgar's shit when all of a sudden he starts saying sweet nothings into Chloe's ear. It was nice that Edgar offered to go instead, but he should know it wasn't because Chloe's the best. It was because Edgar couldn't fit in the car.
CTU backup, yet again, is completely useless. And so is this goon who can't get rid of two unarmed girls. Thanks to the bullet-repellent car, Chloe escaped and got to shoot a machine gun at the bad guy. Though I'm not surprised she had such good aim. Every computer geek has played Doom 3, so I'm sure she's had a lot of practice.
I liked her face at the end of the episode with that glow of "I can't believe I just did that." I had that same face after I convinced my girlfriend from many moons ago at that the suspicious bookmark she found on my computer was actually for a paper I was doing research on.
Stay in school kids. The second you leave, you will never be able to blame anything on "research" ever again.
1 a.m. to 2 a.m.
"Did Jack do this?"
Ah the eternal question around 24. You can tell the Bauer did something when you see the branding on the side of his victims. It's small, but with a magnifying glass you'll be able to read "Beat by Bauer" on it. If he's really pissed at you, he'll put it on your forehead.
Poor Audrey is turning more into a mom than a girlfriend these days. You can tell from the stern look she gave Jack with her arms crossed in the hall. She's diminished Jack to being a rowdy 14-year-old who needs to be locked in his room for all the hi-jinks he's done.
Curtis: Dude….she's looking at you.
The Bauer: Walk away. Slowly. I'll confuse her with an ambiguous smile.
Instead of love, all the Bauer gets is a speech about consequences. That's such a mom thing to do and it never works. My mom said drugs and alcohol were bad. Boy was she wrong. Drugs and alcohol got me to where I am today…which is at the bar…with a bunch of old men…who call me sonny boy.
But I guess when you piss off President "You want it when?!" Logan, you're bound to suffer some crap for your actions. So let's arrest the Bauer and put him in the time-out car so he can think of what he did wrong. Yes, that's the answer. The more we run this country like a first grade class room, the better we'll be.
Marwan certainly knows how to party. What better place to film a terrorist video than in a closed off room of a dance club? If you get bored, you can always run out the door and start dancing.
Which apparently is why you see 40-year-old men in dance clubs. It isn't for the college aged girls (or boys). It's the perfect cover to conduct business, both legal and illegal. And besides, walking through a club while talking on a cell phone makes you sooo badass.
The Reasons for Terrorism:
Um, pretty damn weak and obvious. Oh the United States is a bully. We will blow you up until you admit you suck. Yea, we know that. Why don't you come up with something more specific? We know we're a bully and have come to terms with it. Why can't you?
And I'm sick of the vagueness. Give me something specific dammit.
"To the people of the United States. I am sick and tired of waiting for my pizza after I order it. The ad in the phonebook said prompt service, but here I sit for over 40 minutes with no pizza. Where is the pizza? I ordered it, so it should be here. Is this not a service that is easy to provide? I can plan a terrorist attack easier than I can get a pie with extra cheese, peppers, and sausage. It is because of this grave injustice that your country will be terrorized until you remedy this problem...and I get my damn pizza."
There are seven words in the English language that, if used in the right order at the right time, will strike complete and utter fear into the heart of every man in this country.
"I found that bookmark on your computer."
The mere thought of answering the phone and hearing your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, or boss say those words will send a man into hysterics. Why? Because, as is usually the case, it means they (the enemy) found your hidden stash of computer porn.
Go ahead, ask your male friends. If they're honest, they'll admit it. If they deny it, say the above seven words and watch them crumble and freak out. If they're smart, they would have renamed the bookmark to something that sounds mundane or commonplace like "tennis."
It's common enough to not raise any flags and boring enough to deter anyone from actually clicking on it.
Sabir the terrorist should have lied to his girlfriend and told her he was cheating on her. Women need a reason, any reason. But nooo, Sabir had to be vague and say he couldn't tell her what was going on. This leads back to the problem terrorists' have of not being specific enough.
And she knows his politics? What does that mean? Does Sabir have a Death to the United States tattooed on his ass? And if he does, what the HELL are you doing with him?
Girlfriend logic: "Oh, I know he has his faults and that, sure he might be into this whole America is bad thing. But when he hugs me and I smell him, I just remember that time he brought me flowers on the beach and…"
Scent is the strongest sense tied to memory. How will you be remembered?
Old Spice Body Spray. Helping terrorists fool their girlfriends one hug at a time.
I want the video camera that I can make walk through a vent. I wouldn't use it for spying. I would use it to look into the living room to see what's on television as I work in the office or to even check the fridge for a beer. It would need a remote and a claw too. Then again, if I had the funds for such things I could probably just buy another television for the office and get a mini fridge.
Another problem terrorists have is not being able to mesh well with the environment they are in. Maybe this is where their hatred for America stems from. If we just taught them how to dance, maybe this whole hatred thing would blow-over. I'm calling Kofi at the UN now. He's always up this late watching Law & Order reruns anyway.
And finally, the Palmer comes back! Though I was a little disappointed that he didn't pick up a shotgun and say "Let's roll" to his secret service pals. I still hold on to the hope that Palmer will be out in the field with the Bauer, shooting everyone up and leaving All State business cards on the cars he crashes into.
Palmer should see Logan face-to-face so he knows just how much of a wuss this bastard is. Logan looks like a goldfish I used to have as a kid. We called him "Shit Brick" and cheered when we flushed him down the toilet.
Logan's heroes for this episode (AKA people who have a nervous breakdown): Jack for his monkey dance while yelling "WE HAD HIM DAMMIT!" and Edgar huffing and puffing about how no one can use his computer. Maybe he has some bookmarks too…
I had just about had it with Edgar's shit when all of a sudden he starts saying sweet nothings into Chloe's ear. It was nice that Edgar offered to go instead, but he should know it wasn't because Chloe's the best. It was because Edgar couldn't fit in the car.
CTU backup, yet again, is completely useless. And so is this goon who can't get rid of two unarmed girls. Thanks to the bullet-repellent car, Chloe escaped and got to shoot a machine gun at the bad guy. Though I'm not surprised she had such good aim. Every computer geek has played Doom 3, so I'm sure she's had a lot of practice.
I liked her face at the end of the episode with that glow of "I can't believe I just did that." I had that same face after I convinced my girlfriend from many moons ago at that the suspicious bookmark she found on my computer was actually for a paper I was doing research on.
Stay in school kids. The second you leave, you will never be able to blame anything on "research" ever again.
4.19.2005
Gas Stations: Entrapment for Terrorists and Us
12 a.m. to 1 a.m.
4.18.05
Marwan has the codes and the locations of the warheads but according to The Bauer, he needs only one to craft his master plan. Had he wanted any more, then he could be considered a legitimate businessman and would have been ever harder to catch since CTU doesn't handle white-collar crimes.
Another thing CTU can't handle is a wimpy president who whines over the speakerphone. Whining is bad enough, but when you hear it through the phone, it's ten times worse.
How did Prez Logan get picked for the VP position? Did Keeler just need someone who wasn't a threat? A dog or a Canadian would have been much better and less annoying.
As always, Tony sees through the bullshit and bursts out with the "Uh, this president's a wuss" remark in the meeting room. Thanks Tony. You win the Captain Obvious crown of the week.
Although Tony does seem to have something with his "I'm sorry" speech to Bitchelle. It at least got her to check him out. Apologize to a woman for anything (especially if you did nothing wrong) and they will be silly puddy in your hands.
Maybe the problem is that Tony and Bitchelle forgot how to use their relationship voices. Look at Bauer and Sheryl Crow. They go from the loud choppy business talk to the soft, wimpy "Are you ok?" voice.
That's how you separate your personal life with your work life, a change in tone. That lets the person know that you've switched hats. Problems occur when one person is wearing the work hat and other is wearing the relationship one.
Sheryl Crow: We have a lead on the suspect, but Amnesty Global sent a lawyer
The Bauer: (less than a yell, louder than a whisper, and a touch of love) Remember that time at Motel 6 when we stayed up late and laughed at how funny it was to say "amnesty" after awhile because it sounded like "am nasty"? Haha, that was so funny because the guy they sent around never showered and…
Sheryl Crow: Jack…shutup.
Random Rant: I hate it when doctors use the word stable to describe a patient's condition. Stable means nothing. Dead is stable.
So Marwan got a warhead in the Midwest thanks to some shoddy military protection and the sweet cover of night. Where do these terrorists get their training that they can take over a military transport and…oh wait, we probably trained them.
A part of me was sorta hoping that Jack had a cousin in Ohio named Kyle "T-Bone" Bauer, who is like The Bauer except he has a southern accent and has the tendency to utter the phrase "Don't make me beat you with the snake."
Apparently Amnesty Guy thinks torture consists of a backroom and a rubber hose. Silly Amnesty. This isn't Cuba. We have electricity and Agent Richards who has a sleek-looking torture kit with fun needles.
And why didn't I hear of the torture technician job during career day? I would have studied a hell of a lot more had I known that an interesting and profitable career awaited me after high school of poking people with needles all with a smile. Stupid guidance counselors.
Thanks to the screw-up of Yosick, terrorist superstar of the night, CTU now has a possible lead to Marwan. And all because Yosick used his debit card instead of his Orbits card that garners him points for airline tickets.
But how does one use the wrong credit card? Think it's impossible? Think again friend.
How many times have you been putting gas in the car and all of a sudden a strange, yet familiar song comes on the outside radio and you can't help humming the lyrics to Journey's "Don't Stop Believing." Suddenly your mood shifts and you feel compelled to walk into the food mart inside and buy something, anything. All it takes is a Journey song and the smell of gasoline and they have you.
If it can get us to buy random pieces of crap, it can get terrorists to use the wrong credit card.
The appearance of Joe Brado has finally given us a terrorist with a personality instead of someone blankly talking into a cell phone and muttering about "the cause." It's a nice change of pace to see a guy who's just in it for the money. If someone talks about this vague and ambiguous cause one more time this season I am just gonna lose it.
Wait a minute. Twenty minutes have passed and there hasn't been one scene with the Bauer. What the hell? Can't they at least give us a little box showing him passing the time by playing the new Metroid game on the GameBoy Advance?
Instead we get an angry Edgar yelling about how it isn't fair that he can't have two minutes alone in the room with Brado. I think Buchanan secretly wanted to give Edgar that chance and take some side bets as to how long Brado would last.
12:42 a.m. Jack finally appears at CTU. I breathe a sigh of relief.
And boy is he pissed. He's got the president and some creepy bald lawyer (Am Nasty) telling him he can't beat the crap out of Brado and that is just making the rage boil inside the Bauer. He hasn't done anything in the past 20 minutes and he's itching to screw some shit up.
But he resigned and now the rage can be let free because he's now just an angry vigilante out to save the world by throwing bad guys in a van and hand cuffing them to the dashboard and seat.
I wish angry Edgar ran outside to join Jack in his vigilante crusade. Alas, unless he gets a bike or a golf-cart, that lovable bastard isn't going anywhere.
Oh and now we don't have to go by the book, so here comes the breaking of the fingers, garnering screams across the country after The Bauer turned Brado's hand into his own wish bone. I wonder what The Bauer wishes for when he does that. I bet it's for a racecar bed.
How can the finger breaking not get to the man, but the knife to the throat does? Jesus, I was ready to yell out all my secrets after witnessing someone's thumb getting broken off. After that, a knife to the throat is welcome surprise, just like the severed thumb in your bowl of chili.
It's vintage Bauer, who is essentially a crazy man with a gun. I expect all sorts of rule-breaking and at some point someone yelling "Jack, you're crazy!"
So apparently what this show is telling me is that the government will eventually be powerless to stop terrorism and that it is up to private citizens to take matters into their own hands. I guess I'll be joining the minutemen tomorrow and buying a "What part of Illegal Don't you understand?" T-shirt. Yay activism!
4.18.05
Sheryl Crow: We have a lead on the suspect, but Amnesty Global sent a lawyer
The Bauer: (less than a yell, louder than a whisper, and a touch of love) Remember that time at Motel 6 when we stayed up late and laughed at how funny it was to say "amnesty" after awhile because it sounded like "am nasty"? Haha, that was so funny because the guy they sent around never showered and…
Sheryl Crow: Jack…shutup.
Random Rant: I hate it when doctors use the word stable to describe a patient's condition. Stable means nothing. Dead is stable.
If it can get us to buy random pieces of crap, it can get terrorists to use the wrong credit card.
Instead we get an angry Edgar yelling about how it isn't fair that he can't have two minutes alone in the room with Brado. I think Buchanan secretly wanted to give Edgar that chance and take some side bets as to how long Brado would last.
12:42 a.m. Jack finally appears at CTU. I breathe a sigh of relief.
So apparently what this show is telling me is that the government will eventually be powerless to stop terrorism and that it is up to private citizens to take matters into their own hands. I guess I'll be joining the minutemen tomorrow and buying a "What part of Illegal Don't you understand?" T-shirt. Yay activism!
4.12.2005
Fourth and long...
11 p.m. to Midnight
4.11.05
Every week I suffer a letdown at the beginning of 24, thanks to that stupid asinine warning about graphic violence. Before you only got that warning every once and a while and when you did, you knew some nasty shit was going down. It's so commonplace now that it's lost the excitement it once had. At this point it would be more shocking to see everyone on 24 having a picnic together and talking about the first time they fell in love. The warning before that show would be "Invite Grandma. It's Hallmark time."
Air Force Done has been shot down and no one knows who's alive or who's dead. There's a bunch of people at CTU, two high-ranking people from division and one drunk who's freelancing for the day and NO ONE knows about this super secret channel that can get in touch with the secret service? Jack must have gotten the knowledge from craigslist.org. You can find anything there. And, being at a desk job for a while, he's had the free time to finally surf this "Internet" he's been hearing about.
Old Man Buchanan wants Tony and Bichelle to be back together. So the lovefest is back on. All Tony needs is a brown trench coat and an old stereo that's playing Amy Grant's "Baby, Baby" that he can hold over his head and Bitchelle will be all his again.
Ah Mike, the VP's advisor and another recycled character from the 24 closet. What is the deal with him always wanting to get the president knocked off so he can get the VP to rise up? And nice pick for a VP. He looks like he's complete useless and close to tears all the time. I'd rather have a guy in there that misspelled "potato."
So the boyscout is dead and the president is in pretty rough shape. Well, at least we know there isn't anything serious going on right now.
FUMBLE!
Oops! We dropped the nuclear football and like the Buffalo Bills, we did it at the most crucial point in the game. I wish Heller called Jack on a video phone and yelled "Get me that ball!" while wearing a "#1 Coach" hat from K-Mart.
And, just like the Bills, the two people closest to the football have no idea what to do with it.
(John Madden looks up from his Hungryman TV Dinner to comment)
"That's just dumb football right there. See the ball, get the ball, run down the damn field. It's not that difficult."
Who goes to the Mojave Desert to make a baby? Crazies and potheads. Although I question Jay's intentions of actually wanting a baby since he left his wife in the tent and is outside with a flashlight because he "heard" something (don't planes falling from the sky make a louder noise than a fart passing in the night?). When sex turns into procreating, a man will do anything to get out of it, even hunt for treasure in the middle of the night in the Mojave.
The wife knew this because she "pretended" not to hear a plane falling from the sky a mere 100 feet away from them. She was probably ovulating and was hoping it was going to be man-seed time. Unfortunately for her, Jay lived every man's dream by actually finding treasure in the middle of the desert.
(He's a bastard. I've been searching for treasure all my life and all I've found is a hat that says "Cliff" and a discarded pizza).
John Madden (somewhat awake and still hungry): Looks like they got the football back, but here comes the defense storming up. They are gonna have to do something with that ball and quickly. Let's see if we can listen on the field to what the QB is telling his team.
The Bauer: Take the football and start moving. I don't care what direction.
The Madden: Yup. Sounds like Bills thinking to me.
But Marwan sniffed the play out, just like the unemotional Patriot's coach Bill Belichick, and is fully aware that CTU is making a break for the redzone.
(sidenote: If you want to be super cool, here is The Bauer's direct line. 310.597.3781. Yes it works. No you can't leave a message. Yes cast members and directors used to pick up the phone. Sorry, they don't anymore. Yes I call it in the middle of the night.)
I wished Jay took the briefcase and spiked it on the ground when they got to the abandoned building. It would have been fitting given the situation.
The Madden: Ok, they made it. But that defense looks threatening. I'm smelling a blitz pretty soon.
Indeed. Here they come. Madden is a genius…or just painfully obvious.
The Madden: Looks like it's 2nd and 10. And with those two running around the basement like chickens with their heads chopped off, looks like they're in trouble.
POW! Another Bauer backup is dead. Backups are completely useless. Yes, they are in trouble. But it can't be that bad. Bauer is talking on the cell and shooting at thugs. He's even got two calls going on at once. I can barely talk on the cell phone and drive, which is why I only do it when I'm drunk.
And who needs back up when a perfectly decent empty tin can is there? Bauer needs no back up. Only a sack of tin cans that are ready to do his bidding, be it explode bullets or hold a handful of beans.
The Madden: I told you! Blitz. And now they're back another ten yards and off to the left. I hate making plays on the left side, especially on 3rd and 25. Looks like Bauer is gonna call the play-action split, sending the married couple off in different directions. Let's see if it pays off.
Bauer is the last person on earth who should be giving relationship advice. One wife in the grave and a slew of ignored girlfriends. I bet that's the last time Jay goes searching for treasure. Especially now that he's shot in the shoulder and the leg.
The Madden: This looks hopeless. Fourth and long? Where's the microwave? I want another damn Hungryman. Screw this game.
But you can't count The Bauer out. He's a playmaker and when the game is on the line, he sends in special teams to shoot the crap out of the opposing team so he can cause a fumble. Yay! We have the football back! Hmm..Red chapter section three is missing. I hope it wasn't important or anything.
Audrey: "Section three? That tells them where the warheads are. Had you said section two, that would only lead them to the nearest 24-hour Whitecastle, which is equally important. Tell me, is that still there? I could have about 10 burgers right now."
So Marwan wants a warhead. He kidnapped the Secretary of Defense, threatened to melt down nuclear power plants, killed terrorist mom, indirectly killed Edgar's mom, blew up a warehouse, traded for Brillohead, and shot down Air Force One. That's a hell of a lot to do just for a measly warhead. Had it all been for directions to the nearest Whitecastle, then I could see it. But a warhead?
Just pull a Bauer and use a tin can. They are easier to find and a lot more fun.
4.11.05
FUMBLE!
(John Madden looks up from his Hungryman TV Dinner to comment)
"That's just dumb football right there. See the ball, get the ball, run down the damn field. It's not that difficult."
John Madden (somewhat awake and still hungry): Looks like they got the football back, but here comes the defense storming up. They are gonna have to do something with that ball and quickly. Let's see if we can listen on the field to what the QB is telling his team.
The Bauer: Take the football and start moving. I don't care what direction.
The Madden: Yup. Sounds like Bills thinking to me.
(sidenote: If you want to be super cool, here is The Bauer's direct line. 310.597.3781. Yes it works. No you can't leave a message. Yes cast members and directors used to pick up the phone. Sorry, they don't anymore. Yes I call it in the middle of the night.)
The Madden: Ok, they made it. But that defense looks threatening. I'm smelling a blitz pretty soon.
The Madden: Looks like it's 2nd and 10. And with those two running around the basement like chickens with their heads chopped off, looks like they're in trouble.
The Madden: I told you! Blitz. And now they're back another ten yards and off to the left. I hate making plays on the left side, especially on 3rd and 25. Looks like Bauer is gonna call the play-action split, sending the married couple off in different directions. Let's see if it pays off.
The Madden: This looks hopeless. Fourth and long? Where's the microwave? I want another damn Hungryman. Screw this game.
Audrey: "Section three? That tells them where the warheads are. Had you said section two, that would only lead them to the nearest 24-hour Whitecastle, which is equally important. Tell me, is that still there? I could have about 10 burgers right now."
Just pull a Bauer and use a tin can. They are easier to find and a lot more fun.
4.05.2005
Stabby McGee
10 p.m. to 11 p.m.
4.4.05
I don't blame President Keeler to want to get on the ground and start doing something. Even though it's Air Force One, I’m sure he's getting a little stir-crazy up there. No one likes to be on a plane for an extended period of time, even with all the cashews you could ever eat. If they would only allow Chuck E Cheese to take control of the ride, they could call it Air Force Fun. The government would get lots more done in that plane if video games and over-priced pizza were available.
Keeler's son (the boy scout) seems weak. He and crazy Mya would have made a great couple. She would just yell and he would cry out "I'm…scared!".
They just came from a stop in Mexico? Maybe Keeler kidnapped him from the boy scout troop he was with because he never had a son. Which is why his wife died…because he killed her.
On to the speech. Yes, let's tell the country the truth. That always works. Just like that whole WMD thing in Iraq.
"My fellow Americans. We are screwed. I suggest loading up on cans of refried beans since that is the only food that can survive just about anything and will last forever. That and fruitcake. I'll be up in the air when the shit hits the fan so I won't be there physically, but I'll be snapping a bunch of pictures with my camera phone."
Ho ho, Keeler's single? Maybe he should give Bitchelle a call since she's into old men with white hair.
Just when I thought Bitchelle was getting sweet on the Tony, she allows creepy Division man to caress her shoulder. Yes, let's get the oldest bastard that still works for the government to shack up with. I hope Tony breaks a beer bottle on the table and threatens to stab the old man in the throat.
Tony should have taken out the pocket-sized photo of his roommate and thrown it in her face.
"Her name is Lorna and she's a two-dollar stripper. That's right, she's better than you."
I love how everyone at CTU can handle personal problems in little five-second conversations. There was probably a class at the academy that taught everyone how to deal with a question like "When were you gonna tell me you were sleeping with that butthole?" with the very curt "Never." Short and to the point. You can't really say anything after that except hang your head in shame and reply. "I hate you."
The seeds of love have apparently transferred away from Tony and Bitchelle and landed in the love pond that is Chloe and Edgar. She's covering for him and even giving him a second "hey now" look. They could have an Internet relationship that consisted of smiley faces to get their point across and cyber sex. Again, another handy tool taught by the academy. That lesson was called "Feelings."
You could tell Chloe was trying to get Edgar alone with the "Do you want the bad news here or somewhere private?" Had Edgar chose the fun option, Chloe would have brought him into the break room and whipped out her seductive chicken dance set to Tina Turner's "Private Dancer." You'd be surprised how often the chicken dance works in seducing people. That's why it's used at weddings.
Edgar's gonna shoot himself at the end of the day. He's not hungry anymore. He's just emotionally drained and has to go home and plan a funeral for an empty casket. He doesn't need a sub anymore, he needs a private dance. Oh wait, he screwed that up already.
Paralyzed Paul thinks he can walk again. That fool. He's going to be singing the "I got no legs" song on subways with a little tin can for change. Audrey knows this and this is what makes her sad because she knows Paul can't sing. He's not gonna get shit in that tin can.
Which is why she's probably going to dump the Bauer (sniff) so she can nurse Paul back to health. You could tell from the "Yea…right" she gave him after their phone conversation. I've heard that many a time and when a woman says that to you, it usually means she's angry at you for using a lamp as a torturing device. Had he used a pillow, maybe she could let it slide.
But then again, why doesn't she want the Bauer? He can crash into the sides of buildings and unload bullets into terrorists. Not to mention have someone run into his trusty knife and then stab them twice with a level of excitement usually reserved for 10-year-olds on Disney World rides.
Jack's new nickname: Stabby McGee
Jack should just shoot anyone new he comes in contact with because one way or the other, they are going to die. Either because they are his "back up" (The Bauer doesn't need a backup unless that said person is getting him a coffee and a donut) or because a hot terrorist seductress with a bad accent is giving him the eye. No one gives Bauer the eye. If you do, you get the rage bullets.
Rage bullets are regular bullets except they can go through walls and hit the intended target perfectly. Bullets fired sans rage don't go through walls and hit nothing. In fact, they avoid the intended target because the bullets just aren't angry enough. And a bullet fired without rage is like whipping someone with a piece of string.
The cat and mouse game was fun with the pseudo Agent Drake for awhile, but the Bauer could tell something was up. Not because of the ransacked the room in a most un-FBI way. It's because she's an attractive woman and, as all burned men know, attractive women can not be trusted.
Wait a minute, Driscol was ugly as sin and she couldn't be trusted either. So I guess I'm wrong. All women can't be trusted.
But the absolute best scene of the episode last night was the Lifetime moment Jack had with Crazy Captain Anderson. It even looked like Anderson was going to cry about his crappy life and the fact the military threw him out. The problem was that Jack didn't give Anderson another option. He had him. Anderson was ready to change. He just needed another target.
"Look, all you have to do is change your coordinates to this and you can bomb the crap out of this guy who stiffed me on a bar tab once. That way everyone wins…and I finally get to see what the fuss is with these Stealth Fighters."
Instead, the crazy redhead shot at Air Force Fun and now the prez along with his poor-excuse for a son are going down into the desert. Wait. I saw that Harrison Ford movie…isn't there suppose to be an escape pod for the president when shit goes down on the plane?
Then again, if it did deploy, he would be stuck alone in the desert, which is worse than being bored on Air Force Stunned. The desert is a scary place filled with illegal Mexicans crossing the border with signs around their neck reading "What can Brown do for you?" and a group of patrolling crazies called Minutemen armed with slingshots and dodgeballs with signs around their necks with the reply of "Ab-so-lute-ly nothing! Say it again! Uh!"
4.4.05
They just came from a stop in Mexico? Maybe Keeler kidnapped him from the boy scout troop he was with because he never had a son. Which is why his wife died…because he killed her.
Ho ho, Keeler's single? Maybe he should give Bitchelle a call since she's into old men with white hair.
Tony should have taken out the pocket-sized photo of his roommate and thrown it in her face.
Jack's new nickname: Stabby McGee
3.29.2005
The Exchange Rate for Jack Bauer
9 p.m. to 10 p.m.
3.28.05
Finally, Brillohead has accepted who he really is, which is a druggie and a government stooge. It took long enough, but they finally got him high in yet another botched torture. I guess CTU has a quota for torture in a day. Thanks to Jack, they might surpass it this time.
Wise putting the tracking device in the large melon of Brillohead, though it's a shame the Marwan Men shop at Radioshack to get all their fancy and hi-tech toys. And the man doesn't know what he wants to do with Brillo?
"I haven't decided yet. It's a shame because that kid has a killer impression of Conan O'Brien. That wacky little bastard is the only thing that makes me smile sometimes."
And now Chloe is back, the real Chloe, AKA Captain Obvious. If you need someone to sum up all the major plot points and verbally craps all over a character's emotions, she's your girl. Oh yea, look at your husband lying there with his guts opened and your boyfriend is being held hostage by that evil terrorist guy who wants to kill EVERYONE.
At least that ugly necklace from the first couple of shows is gone, though now we have to deal with the salmon-colored shirt and her robotic walking (she doesn't swing her arms.)
Jack is expendable? I cursed at the TV and shot a ball of mashed potatoes at it with my new sling-shot from Mexico. That's punishment for stating such lies.
And nice plan to distract CTU from the LAPD police report with the exchange, though it would have been great if when they saw that pop-up on the screen that people just laughed and said "How cute, the LAPD is actually pretending to be police officers."
Marwan's wrong anyway. Here's a more effective way to distract CTU
-Order Edgar a pizza with everything on it
-Tell Bitchelle that along with Jack, they have stolen her prized portrait of her and Enrique Iglesias
-Give Tony a six pack
-Hire a Tom Cruise impersonator to give the "You Complete Me" speech to Chloe
-Send Curtis Aisha Tyler's audition photo with the blood-soaked phrase "You Let Her Die" written on it.
-Give Audrey a stack of folders she has to sign for the government. When she finishes them, rip them up in her face and laugh about how her husband is going to die
But no, he decides to go the more traditional route by trading the Brillo for the Bauer, making all of CTU scratch their heads and wonder "Who would want this kid? Even his dad wanted to kill him."
What is the exact exchange rate for one Jack Bauer?
After doing some quick math, I determined that it would actually take 10 Brilloheads all armed with shovels, a crate of 60-gig iPods, and a pineapple.
Nice chutzpah for calling up CTU to ask about the kid. A lot of terrorist would have just beat the crap out of Bauer with a tire iron, but not you Marwan.
"Yo, is Brillo there? You tell that punk to stop listening to my Eminem albums. He's always putting the disk in another case when he's finished."
And he even plays a game with Jack. Marwan's got balls up the ass.
"I'm going to ask you some questions. If you get them right, I'll give you a hint as to where the key is for your cuffs. If you get them wrong, I remove an article of my clothing."
Comedy Central has a show like this called Distraction. I wonder if that's where they got the idea. That's all you would need to distract Jack. I don't care how much training you get from the government. No man is truly prepared to look at man-ass. I go to the YMCA and I see it all the time and then I puke. I've lost ten pounds and haven't lifted a thing.
That's sad that Tony has no other friends than Jack. I've heard prison is like a poor-man's eHarmony.com. I guess you can't believe everything you read on the bathroom wall.
"Jack's the only friend I have…well, except for Teddy. He holds my head when I sleep."
I think the guy that plays Curtis was only brought on because he makes the best "What the…?" faces. The audition must have been like "Ok, you hired a hooker, but you found out it was your mom…let's see that face."
We see that Peabody-award-worthy look after Brillohead screams that Curtis is just using him. But Curits makes up for it by giving Brillohead the "Dude, I think you're cool" conversation in the van. Apparently, Curtis saw the PSA too. So maybe they do work, sometimes.
The CD with the hourly report in the bright fushia plastic case was the most annoying new character of the show. Let's hope next week Curtis gets to torture that piece of shit.
Bitchelle is slowly warming up to the Tony. There's some nasty love brewing there. But Tony's a man and as we all know, is oblivious to the subtle signs women have when they want to get attention. Bitchelle will have to sit Tony down with a power-point presentation about how much she wants to throw him up against the wall to get the point across.
I get those power-point presentations all the time, though it's more about why I should stop calling.
The Bauer, still kicking ass with his hands handcuffed to the pipe, kicking people and re-programming the phones. Um hello? What? How the HELL did he know that? I don't understand what he did and I don't care. Jack wasn't killed despite Marwan's nutty plan to put a sniper on the roof. Doesn't Marwan get it? The show revolves around Bauer. If he goes, we go.
So now Brillohead is with crazy Uncle Marwan, the only parental figure he has left and has lost a couple of locks of his brillo-hair thanks to Curtis injecting a tracking device in the thickest part of his hair. Brillo's either dead or has the word "Terrorist" shaved into the back of his head. I'd rather be dead.
A Stealth Bomber is being hijacked with a fake report, a courteous smile, and the phrase "triple checked it myself"? I guess twice doesn't mean shit, but when you do something three times, that trumps reason.
"Oh you shot him three times? He must have deserved it."
Speculation on the Use of the Stealth Bomber:
-Fulfill a childhood dream of Marwan to ride in one
-Do a tower fly-by while listening to Kenny Loggins "Danger Zone" from Top Gun
-Bomb Indonesia because apparently God wants the area wiped out and earthquakes and Tsunamis just aren’t cutting it anymore
Whatever the reason, he has to act quickly because once the window of opportunity closes, all that is left is the mailbox of disgrace and the door of embarrassment.
3.28.05
Marwan's wrong anyway. Here's a more effective way to distract CTU
-Order Edgar a pizza with everything on it
-Tell Bitchelle that along with Jack, they have stolen her prized portrait of her and Enrique Iglesias
-Give Tony a six pack
-Hire a Tom Cruise impersonator to give the "You Complete Me" speech to Chloe
-Send Curtis Aisha Tyler's audition photo with the blood-soaked phrase "You Let Her Die" written on it.
-Give Audrey a stack of folders she has to sign for the government. When she finishes them, rip them up in her face and laugh about how her husband is going to die
What is the exact exchange rate for one Jack Bauer?
"Yo, is Brillo there? You tell that punk to stop listening to my Eminem albums. He's always putting the disk in another case when he's finished."
"Oh you shot him three times? He must have deserved it."
Speculation on the Use of the Stealth Bomber:
-Fulfill a childhood dream of Marwan to ride in one
-Do a tower fly-by while listening to Kenny Loggins "Danger Zone" from Top Gun
-Bomb Indonesia because apparently God wants the area wiped out and earthquakes and Tsunamis just aren’t cutting it anymore
3.23.2005
An Unprecedented Level of Creepiness
8 p.m. to 9 p.m.
3.21.05
It was like a small reunion with Chastising Chloe, Terrorist Mom and Brillohead all coming back. They've all been missed, though maybe I spoke to soon about how cool they were since all three of them found a way to creep me out.
Terrorist Mom:
Good for you helping out CTU and hopefully getting you and your son a new life in the magical and mystical "Witness Protection Program." Though before she agreed to it, she should have made sure the name they were gonna give her was something normal like "Kelly Lambert" or "Lindsay McAdams." Knowing the sense of humor the government has, she'll probably end up with something like "Ima Jerkov."
Oh wait, she got her head blown off, so she doesn't have to worry about names anymore. After she futility tried to shoot Marwan, she should have hung her head and said "Aw…can't you kill irony instead?" I mean, just moments ago she admitted to wanting to kill Jack and now she changes her mind.
At least she got to say goodbye to Brillohead before she was sent off with The Bauer (who by now must be wondering why anyone that tags along with him gets shot, maimed, or tortured). But JEEZ, did you have to enjoy kissing your son THAT much? Again, it was the eyes that were creepy because that moral line between mother and lover seemed to be disappearing from her mind. You could tell by the weird girlish smile she gave Brillohead as she left that she was having impure thoughts.
Score on the creep meter: 7.6 out of 10
Brillohead:
Hey, he's been hanging out in a cell this entire time? That sucks ass. His head didn't look all that brillo-ly this time. Now that he's an orphan, he'll be doing Oliver Twist impression in the coming episodes. I fully expect a "Please sir…I want some more" comment to come out of him. It sucks that the last moments he had with his mom were so sexually creepy. But what's grosser than that? He liked it.
Creep Meter: 8.9 out of 10
Chloe:
I wish she was drunk when Bichelle called her. That way she and Tony would be deemed as the drunks of the office. No, instead we see Chloe in front of a computer, probably checking her NCAA fantasy bracket and no doubt cursing Syracuse for dropping out in the first round.And does she just live around the corner? If I worked at CTU I'd live as far away as possible because it seems when the shit goes down, it's always around that damn building.
Oh and here's the real reason Chloe came back
Bitchelle: Chloe?
Crazy: Yea?
Bitchelle: Yea, I saw that new show you're on, um, Kelsy Grammer Presents: The Sketch Show…
Crazy: ok…
Bitchelle: It's pretty horrible. I got more laughs thinking about the time Tony was so drunk he kept running into the wall. You should come back to CTU. We get better ratings.
Crazy: Yea alright, but I get to touch Tony's ass.
Bitchelle: You only get the left cheek. The right side is all mine.
But it is nice to her back at CTU even though she wins for the creepiest moment in the episode for wearing the "Sweet Mermaid" sweatshirt at home.
Creep Meter: 9.7 out of 10 (even more harrowing than that is that such shirts exists…for kids Creepy Shirt
So an associate professor from Green University is involved in the terrorism? I wonder if he's a terrorist because he recently made comments about how women are held back in the workforce because of a genetic defect? Or maybe he just teaches math (the universal language of terrorism). Those professors are crazy and it makes sense that they named the University "Green" since most professors are high.
Poor Paul. He's looking more like a zombie now and I keep waiting for the doctor to come into the waiting area and tell Audrey that Paul has slipped into a vegetative state and suggests she start working on a court case because it's going to take over 7 years for courts to decide whether or not he deserves a feeding tube. Edgar's alive and he still hasn't been granted the right to have a feeding tube pumping in roast beef sandwiches and pizza rolls into his system.
But at least Paul's got Audrey's attention now and she seems like she's going to pick Paul over the Bauer. Sure, Paul is the safe BORING choice, but The Bauer would make life interesting. A casual errand such as going to the grocery store to pick up more soup could easily turn into an international crisis.
The Bauer: Honey, I'm gonna be late for dinner again.
Audrey: Just bring home the split pea soup because if you forget again I'm going to pull out that lamp torture trick you're so fond of when you fall asleep. And believe me, no one wants to wake up to find their bits and pieces being shocked.
Ok the military guy who was cheating on his wife…was that chic Mandy? (reference for the 24 fans from season 1 and 2). It totally looked like her and she was always a whore for hire. I dunno, but that girl looked like her. For those that don't know, Mandy was a hot number who was a lesbian and came close to killing the president once. She's the one woman on the show who The Bauer has yet to seduce.
Shame on military guy for not being able to take her down. I guess we know who was more dominant in the sack.And how the hell did Reddy hide in the car?? The only conclusion I can come up with is that Reddy turned himself into a leprechaun and was able to turn back into human form to kill military guy. At least he got laid once more before he died.
And only a leprechaun would be so screwed up to rip off a guy's thumb with a pair of pliers. (I think they were Craftsman, so I think I'm gonna pick me up a set from Sears. You never know when you need to rip someone's body apart and if it's good enough for 24, it's good enough for me.)
The sexual tension between Tony and Bitchelle is building and soon they will ravage each other on top of a desk as Edgar cheers and Chloe runs around with roman candles in each hand. It's going to be a glorious moment and I can't wait for it to happen.
New arbitrary fear: An angry Bauer in the back seat of my car waiting to kill me…with kindness.
So the president wants to prevent widespread panic by putting military personal on the streets of America. They might as well rename "Marshall Law" to "Freakout Patrol" because the one thing that freaks people out in America more than terrorism is seeing the military waltz up and down their street armed with Uzi's.
How come every time Bauer gets back to CTU, he hatches up some crazy plan to get himself out of the building? As if his life was so void of excitement that he needs to come up with a crazy plan to keep himself entertained.
"Dude, this time, I'm gonna pretend to be a hostage and meet this Marwan guy. Then I'm gonna drink milk that's a week old and join a rodeo…just because I'm a badass."
Seriously, he's finding new ways to throw himself into harm's way. I like how everyone at CTU has just gotten used to Bauer's nuttiness, as if they expect nothing less than absolute lunacy when he comes up with his schemes.
So that's what road constructin crews are doing. They are just waiting to grab people out of car and throw them into a van. At least I now know they are doing something. I've seen as many as five of them hanging out around a hole doing nothing except holding signs up that say "Stop" and "Slow Down." At least my tax dollars are going towards something constructive.
I'm a little pissed there wasn't more of a reaction to Bitchelle being back at CTU from Bauer. There should have at least been a double take or a "Dude…your ex-wife is here…this totally sucks" moment.
Emmy moment of the night: Bauer giving Audrey the "I'm sorry your husband got shot with me" look.
And how dedicated do you have to be to take a knife to your side to prove that you got hit with a bullet? I was actually surprised he just didn't shoot himself. He's such a badass that I was sure he wanted everything to be as real as possible. Then again, challenges are fun for Bauer. It's fun to get kidnapped by the terrorist. Even more fun to use a knife to pretend you got shot in the side.
3.21.05
Terrorist Mom:
Score on the creep meter: 7.6 out of 10
Brillohead:
Creep Meter: 8.9 out of 10
Chloe:
Oh and here's the real reason Chloe came back
Bitchelle: Chloe?
Crazy: Yea?
Bitchelle: Yea, I saw that new show you're on, um, Kelsy Grammer Presents: The Sketch Show…
Crazy: ok…
Bitchelle: It's pretty horrible. I got more laughs thinking about the time Tony was so drunk he kept running into the wall. You should come back to CTU. We get better ratings.
Crazy: Yea alright, but I get to touch Tony's ass.
Bitchelle: You only get the left cheek. The right side is all mine.
Creep Meter: 9.7 out of 10 (even more harrowing than that is that such shirts exists…for kids Creepy Shirt
The Bauer: Honey, I'm gonna be late for dinner again.
Audrey: Just bring home the split pea soup because if you forget again I'm going to pull out that lamp torture trick you're so fond of when you fall asleep. And believe me, no one wants to wake up to find their bits and pieces being shocked.
New arbitrary fear: An angry Bauer in the back seat of my car waiting to kill me…with kindness.
"Dude, this time, I'm gonna pretend to be a hostage and meet this Marwan guy. Then I'm gonna drink milk that's a week old and join a rodeo…just because I'm a badass."
Emmy moment of the night: Bauer giving Audrey the "I'm sorry your husband got shot with me" look.
And how dedicated do you have to be to take a knife to your side to prove that you got hit with a bullet? I was actually surprised he just didn't shoot himself. He's such a badass that I was sure he wanted everything to be as real as possible. Then again, challenges are fun for Bauer. It's fun to get kidnapped by the terrorist. Even more fun to use a knife to pretend you got shot in the side.
3.14.2005
More Comfortable in Hell
7 p.m. to 8 p.m.
3.14.05
I'm glad Bitchelle (Michelle's name until she takes Tony back) got rid of whiney Sarah. Teaches her to ask for her raise in the middle of a crisis. I wouldn't be surprised to see her in a later episode pounding on a door and yelling "But Miss Driiisssccooooolll!!! You promised!!!" Sarah is one pout face away from looking like she's 12. In fact, that face probably would have been a lot more effective than yelling at Michelle.
"Aw…I can't fire you now. You're too adorable."
That and as the CTU rule book states, there can only be one bitch at CTU at one time. And Bitchelle is she.
Tony should have made the recap a little more personal, especially with his ex-wife standing in front of him.
"Bring you up to speed? Let's see. I was sitting at home drunk, Jack called, I've been sleeping with a skank that works at Wal-Mart, and you look really hot right now."
It's was also nice to see Audrey talk to Michelle about Tony in the grown-up version of "He thinks you're cute!" conversation.
Audrey: "Oh my God! Tony is SOOOOO cute. Look at him scrowl at the computer like it's yelling at him!"
Bitchelle: "I know, you should have seen him when we were married. He even scrowled at the toilet after a bad night of diarrhea."
She wouldn't give him a level 6-clearance card? But the good bathroom and vending machine are on level 6! This is bullshit! Level 3?? Wasn't Schitzo Mya on level 3, making it the place people go to die? I guess Bitchelle is still pissed at drunk Tony. Or maybe that's where she'll corner Tony and turn on the love. Oh yea…
TONY WANTED TO LEAVE? Hell no. Sadly, that would have ruined my week.
It's nice to know that the EMP didn't mess up any basic battery powered electronics. Good for the flashlight, even better for those batter-powered toothbrushes because no one likes to get a cavity.
I feel for the people who were listening to their iPods when the EMP exploded. One time, I thought my iPod died, but it came back after I reset it a couple of times. That was a scary ten minutes, so I know EXACTLY what the people of LA are going through.
And sure, the EMP won't physically harm Jack and Paul, but it will screw with their digestive system and they will need a laxative or some beano for at least a week.
Audrey wants to leave the BAUER? She saw what he does at work and now it's a turnoff? Even if I saw a beautiful girl working at a cheap clothing store called "Dots" where everything is around $10, I'd still give her chance. Jeez.
What were the evil corporate guys thinking torturing Paul? That guy can take anything as long as they don't use a lamp. Thanks to the EMP, that's a non-issue. But they did get crafty with the office torture, though threatening to use a Sharpie and writing "Penis" on his head would have been better. It's really tough to wash Sharpie off your skin. And no one wants a penis on their forehead.
Speculation on what the code on the paper will say: Marwan's secret recipe for curry with beef and mushrooms that won the CurryMan! competition last year.
(dammit, now I want curry)
Replacing torture (a bit overplayed this season, don't you think?) on my list of top things to watch on TV is LOOTING. My life long dream is to be involved in a looting where I would hit Best Buy, a Coldstone, Urban Outfitters, a BMW dealership, and a hospital that has marijuana pills with a full-sized U-Haul truck. That's right. I have a plan for looting. So should you.
But where does Jack loot? The gun shop owned by two Barrooz wannabes who have been screwed with all their life and now have a chance to act out their inner fantasy: killing American soldiers.
You can tell Allah sanctioned this since the bullet hit the empty clip of all places. Although I was waiting for the Saving Private Ryan moment where the kid takes out the empty clip to look at it and then gets in hit in the chest at the same spot. However, if Fox did that, they would have to order up another PSA for killing a GOOD terrorist as opposed to a BAD one. As I've said before, PSAs do nothing.
Ever notice that CTU drives Fords, but whenever there is havoc in the street or someone dies in a car it's in something like a Mazda or a Mitsubishi? I think this show is trying to tell me that if I don't buy American, I will die.
What the hell did this McClenne-Forrester company do? They have a bunch of computers and soldiers willing to kill Americans. That sounds a lot like the Department of Homeland Security…or Wal-Mart.
I think this will be my favorite episode because the scenes involving the urban fighting reminded me of a zombie movie. Even Paul started to resemble a zombie with blood coming out of his mouth and his staggering from place to place. And barricading yourself in a gun shop is ripped right out of every successful zombie flick ever made. A homage should have been done with Jack getting the radio of a dead soldier and uttering in a slow and ruffled voice:Send more cops…
Speaking of Jack, he gets the award for saying a line that could have been in a porno this week.
"Just stay low and do what I tell you…"
Maybe CTU should start training their soldiers with corporate America because apparently they can't successfully killing a man by shooting him in the back. C'mon. He's right there! You could have at least kicked him a couple of times to see if he was alive. Bauer would have done that. Then again, corporate America couldn't even kill two Arab kids through a window with empty clips as protection…so I guess everyone sucks.
I think Paul and Jack and falling in love. They've experienced something together and maybe even sneaked a hug and a kiss during the commercial breaks. Either way, you could tell there's a deeper connection there between the two men.
Yes, Tony does know Jack. Shame on Bitchelle for not listening to him. Oh right, she thinks he's wasted.
"Look I know Jack. He's insane. He knows that the best way for him to tell us where he's at is to start shit with heavily armed soldiers. But I also know he's going to have fun doing it…because he wants to KILL."
Just when you think the stereotypes for the show are over, they bring on some more that you forgot about. Redheads are evil Why? Because they look different and are therefore untrustworthy.
And this Redhead (I'm calling him Reddy) works for the US Army. How come most American terrorists come out of the army? And they wonder why we won't sign up.
It was pretty funny to hear Marwan's ringtone on his phone. It had that right pitch of annoyingness that a terrorist with no personality would have. It sounded a lot like the cheer Iraqi women give when they take to the streets and shoot their guns in the air. Or maybe it was his favorite song from back home. Either way, it made my ears bleed.
"Ok, I'm leaving now, I'm walking down the street to loot the bakery because stolen rolls are better than…" POW!
Did Jack just kick through a door where someone shot at him? He's losing his mind. Between that and killing people softly with that metal rod, you can tell he's having the time of his life being back in the field. He's gotten to kill, hold-up a store, loot, flirt with a married man's wife, and ride in a helicopter. If Audrey can't handle that, she should join the rest of the losers in Canada.
3.14.05
Audrey: "Oh my God! Tony is SOOOOO cute. Look at him scrowl at the computer like it's yelling at him!"
Bitchelle: "I know, you should have seen him when we were married. He even scrowled at the toilet after a bad night of diarrhea."
(dammit, now I want curry)
Song that should have been playing during the firefight: Sade's "Ordinary Love"
Did Jack just kick through a door where someone shot at him? He's losing his mind. Between that and killing people softly with that metal rod, you can tell he's having the time of his life being back in the field. He's gotten to kill, hold-up a store, loot, flirt with a married man's wife, and ride in a helicopter. If Audrey can't handle that, she should join the rest of the losers in Canada.
3.07.2005
Bags of Crap and Fun with IM
6 p.m. to 7 p.m.
3.7.05
The departure of Driscoll was sad. Somehow, she turned into a decent person even though she was introduced as the life-sucking harpy. Apparently that job has now been transferred over to Sarah who enjoys furrowing her brow and snapping at Edgar with the classic "Why are you so fat?" face. Edgar's probably wondering why he even bothered sticking up for Sarah who will probably not enjoy the "I cho cho choose you" e-card he sent to her CTU email account while she was being tortured.
It was nice of Heller to give Driscoll a big bear hug and his five-point plan to overcoming a death in the family.
"First you're gonna cry. Then you're gonna blame God. Then you're gonna blame yourself. Right after that you're gonna stub your toe on the kitchen table and then you'll cry again. It'll be painful emotionally, but that toe thing is just gonna piss you the hell off."
Why does everyone stare when a dejected person leaves work? They stop what they're doing and give a solemn stare as the castaway walks slowly through the room. I only complain because that is what I deal with every day at work. So I drink at work, but you don't have to freaking stare. Jeez.
Speaking of drunks, looks like Tony has his old job back, which gives hope to alcoholics everywhere. It is a shame that Michelle had to show up and rain on Tony's parade because I was hoping to see him put his "CUBS ALL THE WAY!" poster on the wall. But I am looking forward to all the drinking jokes she's probably got stored up from the marriage.
Tony: Hey Michelle…you're looking nice and mean with your new straight hair.
Michelle: Thanks…and sorry I didn't give you any change that night, but I saw you had an empty twelve pack next to you on the sidewalk and figured you'd be ok for the night.
And surprise surprise, Curtis has a problem with something. I don't like her, I don't like him. He's been going on record all day with the phrase "I don't like it." He's gotta stop being a Negative Nancy or he'll find himself scrubbing the toilets.
The San Gabriel Meltdown is under control? But what about the panic, the damage to the roads and, you know, the people melting from radiation in the streets? It must be a leper colony there by now. Maybe that's where Marwan (I still think it sounds like MyWand and now that's all I hear) will end up if he's ever captured. Then he can be the Lord of the Lepers, which is a lot like being the Lord of the Dance save for the tight pants and intense profanity.
Aww, how cute. Paul wants to be like Jack. I like how different people get to tag-a-long with Jack on various missions as if they were CTU interns. Fox should capitalize on this and create a ride called the Jack Bauer Experience (JBE for short). You and a date will be issued into this dark room and be given a cell phone and one "get out of torture" card. Jack Bauer will be played by Gary Busey since Kiefer referred to the idea as "The most idiotic thing I have ever heard…and I was in The Cowboy Way."
But Audrey knows that no one can actually be like The Bauer. I'm surprised Jack didn't ask Audrey to repeat the fact that "Paul isn't like you…take care of him" and put the cell on speakerphone so that Paul could hear it too. Then he would slam the phone down and yell "In your face! YEAH!"
Hmm, but Paul does have those "backdoor" computer skills that might get Audrey's engine running. All he needs to do is sing Reo Speedwagon's "Can't Fight this Feeling" during karaoke night and she'll be putty in his hands. Bauer will do a lot, but he doesn't sing.
We've gone from terrorism to deterring a corporate scandal and how appropriate with it being Martha's first week of work since Camp Cupcake (which isn't as delicious as it sounds, but just as soft). McClenen should know that after the court of public opinion has singled you out as a monster, all you gotta do is go to a minimum security prison for six months and you'll emerge as a victim and a hero. Newsweek will even put your head on a model's body just to make you look better.
And nice looking EMP by the way. They could have gone the fancy route like they did in Ocean's 11, but they opted for the full sized economy version that looks like an oversized toaster flanked by two large smoke detectors with a green glow stick in the middle. Very scary.
I fully enjoyed the Instant Message conversation between Jack and Tony, although they could have saved a lot of time with the tried and true short hand language of the IM world.
SoulPatch45: Jack, u there?
Flatliner4Eva: sup
SoulPatch45: Building losing power :(
Flatliner4Eva: Gah! They're on to us >:/
SoulPatch45: brb
SoulPatch45: Ok, e-dogg just found an EMP, 1st flr rm 213
Flatliner4Eva: lol...I love bombs. Maybe I'll send paul to deal wit it
SoulPatch45: LMAO! :P Aight, ttyl
Flatliner4Eva: :)
What did Jack think he could do? Was he actually trying to mentally will the door to move in the opposite direction? I would have just looked at my watch or cell phone because I'd want to see that thing explode when the EMP went off.
And did Jack just throw a pencil? I seriously thought it was meant to poke someone's eye out or somehow knock them out (it is the Bauer, he can do anything...except sing). But then again, throwing a pencil at people in the hopes of killing them is sooo something Bahrooz would do. Will Brillohead ever return? I miss that crazy bastard.
I was expecting Marwan to be a little more pissed that his evil plan was foiled and on top of that, he had to ride the bus, which as everyone knows is degrading and completely embarrassing. But he knows better because all good terrorists have a backup plan and even backup plans for those plans.
And if all else fails, Plan Z involves toilet papering Bauer's house and lighting bags of shit on fire on his porch. As the victims of pranks know first hand, there is no law in the land, no sweet sounding words, and no massive Wal-Mart purchased EMP that can completely erase the horrible memory of finding flaming bags of crap on your porch and futilely trying to stomp out the fire with your boot. Even if you get passed that, the smell just lasts for days.
3.7.05
"First you're gonna cry. Then you're gonna blame God. Then you're gonna blame yourself. Right after that you're gonna stub your toe on the kitchen table and then you'll cry again. It'll be painful emotionally, but that toe thing is just gonna piss you the hell off."
Emmy moment of the night: "Go and make sure your daughter's ok…because I never did!"
Tony: Hey Michelle…you're looking nice and mean with your new straight hair.
Michelle: Thanks…and sorry I didn't give you any change that night, but I saw you had an empty twelve pack next to you on the sidewalk and figured you'd be ok for the night.
SoulPatch45: Jack, u there?
Flatliner4Eva: sup
SoulPatch45: Building losing power :(
Flatliner4Eva: Gah! They're on to us >:/
SoulPatch45: brb
SoulPatch45: Ok, e-dogg just found an EMP, 1st flr rm 213
Flatliner4Eva: lol...I love bombs. Maybe I'll send paul to deal wit it
SoulPatch45: LMAO! :P Aight, ttyl
Flatliner4Eva: :)
And did Jack just throw a pencil? I seriously thought it was meant to poke someone's eye out or somehow knock them out (it is the Bauer, he can do anything...except sing). But then again, throwing a pencil at people in the hopes of killing them is sooo something Bahrooz would do. Will Brillohead ever return? I miss that crazy bastard.
3.01.2005
Racial Profiling and other fun games
5 p.m. to 6 p.m.
2.28.05
I will never tire of torture, no matter how long or how brief. That said, imagine my joy when I saw slapping around Husband Paul in front of Sheryl Crow, who didn't want to leave. I don't blame her. If I had the opportunity to see my ex tortured, I'd bring popcorn and a digital camera.
It was really surprising that Jack even allowed Sheryl Crow to stay in the room to watch him poke her husband with wires from a lamp. Maybe he wanted to show off. Well it backfired Jackass. If you ever sleep with her again, she'll be watching every single damn lamp in the room.
And boo to Sheryl Crow for stopping Jack from shocking Paul's ear. I bet he was pissed too because a part of him wanted to see what would happen. It's going to take a while for Jack to let that one go.
Sheryl Crow: "C'mon C'mon baby. All I wanna do is have some fun."
The Bauer: "No...I really wanted to shock that ear. You took my fun away."
Sheryl Crow: "...But he's my favorite mistake and I just..."
The Bauer: "That's it. I'm getting the lamp."
(Sidenote: JACK WENT TO THE BATHROOM! He even slammed the door to call attention to it. But I didn't hear a flush or water running from the sink. So if he did do his nasty business in there, he's not a very clean guy. Then again, he's always been into creative torture and having a man touch you when you know he hasn't washed his hands is just icky.)
Crafty Curtis finally proved he wasn't a useless CTU drone. He faked out the sinister bald guy and I even got my pistil whip (though I'm still waiting for a repeated whipping). It's a shame Maryanne wasn't alive to see her stud in action. Maybe that was the problem with the relationship before: Curtis was just too boring and not crafty enough. Now he's Action Jackson.
I'm proud of him. He's earned his CTU merit badge for pretending to be dead and hiding behind bookshelves. He'll also recieve a free copy of L7's "Pretend that we're dead."
Understatement of the entire show: "Mrs. Driscoll...there's something wrong with your daughter."
Who's the Harvard professor that figured THAT one out. Driscoll should have been "Um...ya, she's schitzo. Give her some weed and a Wiggles video."
There have been comments made about the dialogue this season and it reached its utter crapiness during this episode when Mya was talking to the doctor.
Mya: "Doctor. I'm sorry. Make me feel good...but get THAT out of here!"
I swear I've heard that same dialogue in a porno once. If I was back at West Coast Video, I'd be able to tell you the exact film.
Kudos to Mya for going down the street and not across the road with her suicide. She may have been crazy, but she knew how to do it right.
Boo hoo, an episode without Bahrooz. It felt empty without that whiny brillohead running around toting a pistol and telling people he hated them. I fear he's gone forever, probably joining Chloe in a heated game of Life in the CTU "Time Out" room.
Terrorist Mom was looking creepy as ever while she was getting interrogated by Tony "look at my new beer gut" Almeda. And way to scare the crap out of her by telling her how horrible prison was, which was needed because people from the MIDDLE EAST have no idea about the darker side of humanity.
"If you won't help us, your boy will go to prison for the rest of his life. And let me tell you something about prison. The food is horrible and the toilet paper is only one ply. ONE GODDAMN PLY! Bahrooz will kill himself in three months. Two if they play the Hide the Soap in Your Ass game in the showers."
It made sense for Super Terrorist Marwan to pose as an IT techy and to hide in a cubicle. (more proof that IT guys are evil). Some of the most pissed off people in the world capable of taking down this country work in offices littered with cubicles. I wish Marwan re-created the Samir scene from Office Space with him yelling at the copy machine.
"Stupid piece of...someday I throw this piece of shit out the window!"
It doesn't matter how smart of a terrorist you are. The copy machine always wins.
Hmm, how do you find a terrorist in a sea of white people? Racial profiling! That first guy was damn lucky he was playing Freecell. He would have been screwed if it was minesweeper.
It was fun seeing how racial profiling worked. It would have been a lot funnier if the entire room was filled with middle eastern men and women. It could have been the terrorist version of Spartacus.
"I am MarwanWand."
"No I AM MARWAN!"
"It doesn't matter! We are all MARWAN TO YOU! WOhahaha!"
But alas, Jack found the Brown guy that didn't fit in and chased him out of the room. Ah Jack Bauer. He's just like Santa. He knows who's been naughty and who's been nice.
The"over-ride device" was a complete letdown, but I guess when you're expecting something to resemble a robotic dinosaur, you're bound to run into disappointment. And there goes Edgar saving the day by telling Curtis to punch in arbritary keys on the keyboard. I always thought IT guys did that to keep you busy while they fixed the problem on their end.
Curtis: "What do I do now??"
Edgar: "Just type all the letters of the alphabet till you get to P. Then stop."
Curtis: "Hey this is like scrabble...aw shit. What comes after O?"
If the terrorists were really smart, the way to control the device would be to beat a game of solitare. Being in a cubicle, it would have made perfect sense.
And now Marwan has stolen CTU gear and clothing, which is even more of a crime than terrorism. Screw with our emotions and nuclear power plants, but the minute you take our clothing is when we really get pissed. Your kids can put our clothes together at their "day camps," but no one gets to wear them but us. Chant it loud and chant it proud...USA! USA! USA!
2.28.05
Sheryl Crow: "C'mon C'mon baby. All I wanna do is have some fun."
The Bauer: "No...I really wanted to shock that ear. You took my fun away."
Sheryl Crow: "...But he's my favorite mistake and I just..."
The Bauer: "That's it. I'm getting the lamp."
(Sidenote: JACK WENT TO THE BATHROOM! He even slammed the door to call attention to it. But I didn't hear a flush or water running from the sink. So if he did do his nasty business in there, he's not a very clean guy. Then again, he's always been into creative torture and having a man touch you when you know he hasn't washed his hands is just icky.)
Understatement of the entire show: "Mrs. Driscoll...there's something wrong with your daughter."
Mya: "Doctor. I'm sorry. Make me feel good...but get THAT out of here!"
"Stupid piece of...someday I throw this piece of shit out the window!"
"I am MarwanWand."
"No I AM MARWAN!"
"It doesn't matter! We are all MARWAN TO YOU! WOhahaha!"
Curtis: "What do I do now??"
Edgar: "Just type all the letters of the alphabet till you get to P. Then stop."
Curtis: "Hey this is like scrabble...aw shit. What comes after O?"
2.22.2005
The Door in the Floor
4 p.m. to 5 p.m.
2.21.05
Driscoll has a heart. By giving Edgar some emotional support with the understatement of the year (my goodness, how callous of me!) and giving Sarah the old my-bad-for-torturing-you shrug, the she-beast proves she's so much more than a hard, hard bitch. But ho, what's this? Let's keep an eye on that new Tony guy that I just re-instated because he's scowling at me funny. (yay for Tony!)
And I knew Sarah would get some brains after the shock therapy. She noticed creepy husband Paul's company on the computer and even got herself a promotion and two pay raises. So I guess that means her title will be Torture Technician and she'll be making $15.76 an hour. But still no benefits. You have to die and then be resurrected at CTU to get that. Now she has be friends with Driscoll. Eewwww. Was it really worth it?
Oh Edgar. He saved the pretty girl and she's still giving him shit like he's a dim witted fool. She'll find out it was him and then the lights will go down and they will be crowned king and queen of CTU. Jack would get it, but he's never around.
Crafty Curtis is getting better at this whole "torture" thing in his House of Pain. Although it did look like a desperate attempt to prove to the higher ups that he could actually get information out of someone.
"A dead body? You're a sick bastard!"
"It's the only thing I could think of. That sensory video game wasn't doing shit."
Amazing that Maryanne was trying to keep Curtis as a friend after the madness with the "I know it's gonna be hard for you to trust me after this..." She even flirted with Curtis with the whole "Can I put my foot down now? Or should I continue throwing out this sexy yet administrative vibe towards you?"
Poor Maryanne. That second password must have opened up that secret wall in the other room where the two thugs with guns and the bald man were hiding. If only she typed in the other password, the waiters would have shown up with ice cream sundaes and cookies.
Those thugs were crazy. You know why? The man had a shotgun and a suit on. I mean, it's one thing to be running around in a fancy $500 suit and wielding a pistol, but a shotgun? There's no way you can hide that. Unless you're the governor of California or a character in Grand Theft Auto.
So now I guess it's Crafty's turn to get tortured. Good. Maybe he'll learn something from the real House of Pain (Everybody Jump jump!)
BAAARRRROOOOZZ! He's going to playing that "I'm just a minor baby!" card for the rest of the season. So kill your pops, do some drugs, and help both sides in the fun game that is terrorism because it's going tp suck the minute you turn 18. Then you have to "act" like an "adult." At least until you hit 21. Then you revert back to 13.
It was funny when Bahrouz yelled "You're choking me!" at the beginning when Terrorist dad was dragging his ass down the hall. As if whining ever got you anywhere. I yell "I'm poor" and "I'm hungry!" all the time and I have yet to see a leprechaun with a pot of gold or a panda with a plate of food.
(And speaking of whining, Heller was going off on a pretty nasty whine with Driscoll. "Audrey's going where? WHHHY?? Why didn't you tell me? I'm gonna sit in the corner and pout.")
I was afraid Bahrouz was gonna pop one in Jack after he said "It's ok son...put the gun down." For a second I thought Brillohead was gonna come back with "You're not my father either! BLAM!"
-break-
A strang thing happened in the middle of writing this...
Ok at this point, I heard a knock at the door and when I looked out there was this little 8-year-old kid named Carlos. He asked me if there was a Carlos inside my apartment. Truth be told, I actually turned around and checked because this kid was really convincing. Then I said "But you're Carlos."
The kid shrugged and said he was looking for his dad. He left and tried another door. Five minutes later I heard another knock and it was Carlos again. I peeped through the hole and saw that he was crying! So i opened it up and he asked "Can I just stand outside your door?"
I brought the kid inside, offered him some water, and with my best Bauer impression I said "Let's go. We're gonna find your father."
We walked around the complex a little bit and I made sure we were at least five feet away from each other at all times. You have to protect yourself legally these days.
Carlos is eight but he'll be nine soon. I tried to lighten the mood by telling him that nine was a great age to be, as opposed to say 26. We found a door around the corner that was a jar.
"Hey the door's open." Carlos said.
"You don't go opening ajar doors Carlos. That's a rule" I said in a Bauer whisper.
I made Carlos stand behind me as I knocked on the door with cell phone in hand ready to call 9-11. It was his dad. He went in and I returned home, feeling like I did something good.
-break-
When Terrorist mom gave Jack an address to the final place where they were to get thier instructions, I was so sure it was going to be a 7-11, just to complete the stereotype trifecta. Alas, I still wait.
The door in the floor. Oh these guys are wicked smart for using a powerstrip to bring the eletricity downstairs in the basement. They can kidnapp the DOD and his daughter, write a virus to crack the security in all the nuclear power plants, and yet they STILL can't figure out how to bring a generator downstairs for power?
And what were all those chords for anyway? It's not like they had a television or a microwave for popcorn down there. There wasn't even a table or a sexy poster of terrorist mom for inspiration.
Aww. Tony got reinstated with Jack's help! Tony cried a little and Jack smiled. If you took out the music by Sean Callery (the first three seasons of music are available now!) and replaced it with the theme from Titanic, it could have been a Hallmark commercial.
"I read that card you slipped in my pocket while we were storming that room Jack. You really want me back?"
"Yes Tony. Hallmark doesn't lie. Not ever."
But the absolute best part of this entire episode was the wierd love triangle that formed around Jack, creepy husband Paul, and Sheryl Crow. I thought for sure Sheryl and creepy husband were gonna make out or something. It was also funny with Jack yelling at her to not go into the room alone because you know that's coming from CTU Agent Jack and Boyfriend Jack at the same time.
Appropiate Sheryl Crow song for this episode: "Picture" (w/ Kid Rock)
And this time I don't even need to mess with the lyrics!
"I called you last night at the hotel/ Everyone knows but they won't tell/ But their half-hearted smiles tell me something/ just ain't right..."
I can see why she dumped Paul. He was creepy as is, but when he said that "Maybe we shouldn't be talking..." that made ME want to leave the room and wash my hands.
But then WHO-HA! Jack comes storming in yelling "Get your hands off of her!" Is there a fantasy Jack hasn't experienced yet today? He robbed a 7-11, stormed a compound that was being fired at with missiles, saved his girlfriend, related with Terrorist mom, and climbed down a laundry shoot.
The only thing left is for him to ride a donkey drunk off Jack Daniels with the American flag wrapped around him and singing "We are the Champions...of the world!" And believe me, the rate this season is going, it's coming.
2.21.05
"A dead body? You're a sick bastard!"
"It's the only thing I could think of. That sensory video game wasn't doing shit."
(And speaking of whining, Heller was going off on a pretty nasty whine with Driscoll. "Audrey's going where? WHHHY?? Why didn't you tell me? I'm gonna sit in the corner and pout.")
-break-
A strang thing happened in the middle of writing this...
"Hey the door's open." Carlos said.
"You don't go opening ajar doors Carlos. That's a rule" I said in a Bauer whisper.
-break-
"I read that card you slipped in my pocket while we were storming that room Jack. You really want me back?"
"Yes Tony. Hallmark doesn't lie. Not ever."
Appropiate Sheryl Crow song for this episode: "Picture" (w/ Kid Rock)
And this time I don't even need to mess with the lyrics!
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