The Deadly Art of Seduction

24 Season 7 episode 5
12 p.m. to 1 p.m.
1.19.09

"Feel the lameness." - Larry Moss

The more I watch the inner workings of the FBI in the world of 24, the more I'm convinced it's some high school version of CTU, where everyone is a little too dramatic with a side of raging hormones.

At one point, I was expecting Special Agent Larry to start singing about how hard it is to be caught in the middle of love triangle between him, a redhead and the law. Especially after he said "You just want to nail Agent Walker to the wall."

Um yea dude. We all do. This makes you qualified to run the FBI? Stating the obvious? Or does having a douchey name like "Larry" trump that? The only cool Larry I've known wore a Lesiure Suit made out of pixelated awesomeness. And he wasn't even real.

Larry's lameness is balanced out by Sean Hillinger's OC-riffic life of saving his wife's plane while talking to the blond in the office he banged the night before. Why save the wife's plane you ask? Because sex with a blond is better when it's wrong.

Larry is under a lot of pressure. His FBI (Fuck Buddy International) crush just admitted that she performed S&M on some random dude, after all those nights he begged and pleaded for her to whip him.

Larry the FBI Guy: "You can't use torture to coerce someone into giving you information. It's wrong."
Hot Agent Walker: "Fine. I'll deal with the consequences later. And I'm too hot for you. Phone off now."

Walker is emulating Bauer in the classic cat-and-mouse high school game where she emulates him in an effort to get his attention so he'll ask her out. No wait, that was Grease. Whatever, it still applies, especially since people break out into song in that too.

She's on her way to the residence of the Prime Minister of Sangala, the small African nation sitting on a goldmine of diamonds and a state-of-the-art infomercial studio where they parade children around asking for malaria nets. Why? Because it's easier to mine for diamonds when you're healthy.

Prime Minister Matobo and his wife are locked in a safe room, which enrages head terrorists Emerson enough to torture the black security guard who keeps telling him the door, much like the heart of drunken bastard, can only be open from the inside.

Emerson cocks the gun and prepares to blow the guard's head off when a phone rings. It's FOX.

"It's MLK day and Obama's inauguration is tomorrow. Stand the fuck down."

Oh and guard guy? Who programs the FBI's number in their cellphone to come up as "FBI"? Really? Unless that's the nickname of a cohort, the Bureau's number should always be come up under the codename "Hot Pants." It's in Constitution 2.0.

And guard was right. The room that the PM Matobo and his wife are locked in can't be accessed from the outside, no matter how many This Old House episodes Jack has watched.

Instead, he does what any aggravated man does when a home improvement project isn't going his way: he suggests making homemade gas. We do this at the apartment too. It's called "dinner."

Matobo is ready to die for his cause. His wife isn't. This creates a problem in their marriage, especially since the gas doesn't allow them to talk it out and can only express their feelings by flailing their arms and staring at each other (which, interestingly enough, is the same way marriage counseling is conducted, sans the gas).

Wife isn't having it and eventually crawls to freedom by opening the door, reminding Matobo of the "Bros before Hos" class he failed in PM school. He finally understands. Alas, it is too late.

As Terrorist Jack helps extract the PM outside into the bright yellow van (is the thinking here to be as ridiculous as possible so people laugh instead of suspect?), Walker calls Larry the FBI guy to gloat that she's finally "going to make it right" by getting Bauer and Almeida. Then she gets caught and thrown into the "cage."

Walker: "You lying son of a bitch! How much are they paying you? And you touched me! And I'm confused and angry. Oh and Matobo? Sorry I suck at protecting people. "

Bauer employs active ignoring, which is the special education term for "I don't hear you now." I use it whenever I hear "American Idol strikes gold in San Francisco!" from either the television or someone's mouth.

Madam President uses active ignoring too, like when her staff tells her she should give in to the terrorist demands and all she hears is Tom Petty's "Won't Back Down" in her head.

Petty doesn't back down. Especially when he's sitting.

The writers may have it as well. After being told to write about the vast government conspiracy, all they apparently heard was "write lame side story about dead son."

I dropped a potato chip on the floor last year and I was more concerned about that then this asinine plot about a family who is obsessive about uncovering the truth. I won't be into it until the shadow government is revealed...and I get that potato chip (or one of equal delicious value) back.

General Dubaku, who is angry because the only thing he's done in five hours is make demands and pace around the room, is pissed and wants to kill. And he may soon get that chance, once he gets his paws on the sexy and dangerous CIP device.

Terrorists have had it with Walker's lack of intel and Matobo's wife is feeling threatened at the sexy white woman in the car. Jack is ordered to kill her in a ditch. He obliges, thus beginning Bauer's deadly art of seduction. Here are the steps:

1. Gain trust
2. Break trust in the most heinous way possible
3. Plant seeds of rage through inexplicable actions (escapinig FBI headquarters)
4. Join terrorist boys club
5. Mark woman he likes by grazing a bullet across her neck
6. Bury her alive for added sexual tension

Like the Tao of Steve, this always works. Most of the time. As long as you're desireless to begin with.

Walker will no doubt reciprocate by kicking Bauer in the balls and making out with Tony. And eventually, when they finally get together, she'll lose her memory and the deadly art of seduction will begin once more.