Jack Bauer is Confused, Sad and Creep'd Out

24 Season 7 Episode 18
1 a.m. to 2 a.m.

Evil Tony Almeida, taking a shit on your expectations.

After all the promises of a massive conspiracy where Jonas "I'm with the unremarkable genius" Hodges is a mere cog in a giant machine (which doesn't make sense btw), we find out that Tony is, in fact evil and was after the bioweapon all along.

Thanks 24. I just wasted approximately 15 hours watching all this "plot" just to get us back to where we were in January. For those who stopped watching then, here's what you need to know:

Larry Moss is a wuss, dead and had "history" with Hot Agent Walker

Jack Bauer has some sort of Africanized Dementia and, without stem cells, will be dead soon.

The president's daughter is a whore.

Sure, stuff happened in between now and then, but apparently Dubaku, a White House raid and occasional assertions of a government conspiracy was just the precursor to what we already knew: the Tony Almeida we knew is dead and all that is left is some bastard who waits till the final couple minutes of the game to intercept the football so he can run down the field and throw RP7 fuel on the other team's mascot as he lights it on fire with C4.

Oh, there's a good reason for Tony to have stayed in the shadows and bide his time? Did he change his mind when he found out Bauer had the advanced dementia and will used the small bioweapon canister to gas a doghouse? A mini cooper?

There's barely any left and now Tony has it. I'd say it would be for a trophy, had it not been for the snuffing of one Special Agent Larry Moss.

It's as if the show knew the second I started to turn pro-Moss that they would ax him out. Even Renee was coming around, especially after Larry had no problems with a raid on Starkwood. We should have known something was bound to happen. Larry has a problem with everything, even himself.

Which is why he and Renee were going to have "a talk" about "things," which mostly like meant sex or something awkward that happened during sex (fart, strange armpit odor, dead look in the eye, etc). Knowing what I knew about the late Larry Moss, it was most likely the latter and all three of the possibilities happening at once.

You know who else likes to talk? MPAT and her favorite discussions are about the futility of what people are trying to do in the world. Does that include trying to donate stem cells to an estranged father and reaching for things in a drain when you have short arms? Yes. Yes it does.

Bauer is in pain and now, thanks to Hot Agent Walker's meddling, he's in emotional pain because his spawn Kim Bauer has shown up with her luscious, life-saving stem cells that he refuses to take. Why? Because that's how estranged fathers roll. The second they start accepting free gifts, they turn into a deadbeat dad and end up on this show.

This was right after Jack "did the right thing" and told Tony to go off the grid on a secret mission to blow up bioweapons with little canisters of C4...all without being detected. Oh but he's been undetected for so long. Cause he's eeeeevvviiiil.

Without the missiles, Jonus Hodges has no collateral and no means of sitting with the president to present his 27 eight-by-ten color glossy pictures with circles and arrows, and a paragraph on the back of each one, explaining in triplicate why he and Starkwood should be the rulers of the universe with level 6 clearance (which gives knowledge of where the "good" cheese is hidden).

It was a fine sales pitch, one filled with intrigue, blackmail and condescending looks on the both sides of the table. And it would have worked out, had it not been for those damn CTU kids.

Confused? So is Jack Bauer. Pretty soon he'll be hallucinating and reenacting different moments from his life, only in current circumstances...oh wait, he's been doing that all along.

Bauer "feels" like he's losing part of himself and, according to the CDC, this new demonized version of dementia may cause him to bring out various personalities.

This week's inner Bauer was frightened turtle cry face. Don't get used to him. I'm sure pissed off raccoon will show up eventually, as will a possible second appearance of a sexual panda, especially with Larry out of the way (too soon?).

His death is being monitored by the White House "in real time" as well as by the CDC who has enacted its sacred "wait-and-see" technique for the disease.

But don't worry about the stolen bioweapon or the fact that Almeida has emerged as the new terrorist. CTU startup is back in play and has released an informative PSA to combat the evil in the world.

"We here at 24 care about being green and will fight global warming. But Jack can't do it all cause he has a lot on his plate. So you help now."

And cue creepy smile from Chloe...now. That's O'Brian. That face will haunt me for the rest of my life.