The Blood of Bauer is filled with Rage, Remorse and Weaponized Gas

24 Season 7 Episode 23-24
6 a.m. - 8 a.m.

There will be blood...in your bomb.

There is only one true threat to the nation and it lies within the throbbing angry veins of Bauer that can either be used for a bioweapon or as fighting juice. If Bauer feels tired, he drinks some from any of the inevitable cuts he has on his body and is good for another 24 hours.

The plan, according to Tony, is to extract the blood from a dying man as a last-ditch effort to create a bomb that will teach the nation a lesson. I'm not sure what that lesson is, but I'm sure, like this plan, it's probably something ridiculous like save the environment or something (what sound does your Hybrid make? I bet it's lame).

Bauer is viable as a weapon and the White House has no "actionable intelligence" as to why. It's probably because all of the administration's intel comes from random accusations and obsessed family members content on treating the country's highest office as a conduit for revenge.

Silly Taylors. If you want revenge, you go to the principal's office and get your enemy's child thrown in behavioral classes where they learn phrases like "Freeze!" and "Drop it!"

Thanks to Aaron's red-headed, one-armed meddling, as well as his lack of compassion for his new employer (he's probably pissed. people retire for a reason), Olivia is drowning in her sea of lies and blaming it on the fact that Hodges killed her brother.

Ugh. I hate the Taylors and I'm glad their OCD ways only gave them trips to the hospital and prison. As for Ethan, he only proves that my paranoia is well-grounded and that everyone should drive around in a Hyundai Genesis, the only car equipped to analyze evidence against your sworn enemy.

In fact, Ethan may be the only clear winner after today's events with the president saying "I need you" with that creepy my-husband-will-never-let-me-touch-him-again look.

Best line of the night: "I'm sorry honey" from Mama Prez as she sends her daughter to pound-me-in-the-ass prison in the same vocal tone as a mother apologizing for forgetting to pick up her kid after school.

Redheads like to meddle, as well as recycle tired plots from past 24 seasons, as evidenced by Kara's I-have-your-daughter-Jack-now-do-what-I-say plan. At this point, Jack's file should really come with a "If he picks his nose, he's been compromised" clause to let people know when he's under duress.

But then we wouldn't be privy to his bipolar tendencies of changing from an agent of good to a maniacal terrorist (real world example: Bauer narrating Bank of America ads to Bauer headbutting fashion people...though I still can't decide which one is more evil).

It doesn't matter. Jack flat-out yells about Tony's people keeping Kim captive (she's trapped inside of a laptop screen!) and is quickly dragged away into the terrorist car so that Tony can explain his "We can use his blood" plan because he has seen "the big picture" (is that code for seeing the medical procedure on the Discovery Channel?).

With Tony treating Jack like an American Buffalo (no part must go unused...except the loins. Those are Jack's to keep in the afterlife. It's only fair), Kim Bauer is being treated like the family dog, with all eyes watching her, hoping she won't shit herself in public (I'm talking about us, not the terrorist couple of Curly Smiles and Hobble Hair).

We've been in this territory before and know what Kim is capable of. A part of me expected her to be caught under the airport seats because of some loose clothing and then, in an epic cameo, Johnny Drama would show up to offer his assistance.

However Kim doesn't actually mess anything up. She tracks down Hobble Hair, gets a cop to actually aim at someone bad and grabs a laptop out of a burning car. The only tragedy from the entire situation is that Kim wasn't tackled by Hot Agent Walker to extinguish her arm of fire. When are we going to have good lesbians on 24?

BTW: two people get through airport security with a gun AND a knife? Is our airline security so awful that...oh they're both white? Nevermind.

Apparently the only thing airport security is good at is fleeing from the scene and spitting out the words "It was chaos...everywhere...streetlights...people."

They probably graduated from the same online university that trained doctors to administer a sedative and extract spinal chord fluid. Either that, or the weaponized blood allows Bauer to store paralyzing drugs in one area of his body while the rest of him seethes with rage.

Or maybe Bauer has made peace with his weaponized blood, which gives him the strength to subdue four terrorist doctors and escape to the sunlight where he...finds a garage with a cab in it? Whhhaaa....?

Right. I don't care about logic. Totally forgot.

Bauer is captured again, after failing to kill himself with a flare (deep down, the blood won't let him) and is brought into a room where Tony explains his really for reals reason for doing everything he's done today: sweet sexy revenge.

And not just any sort of revenge. It's revenge for his wife, his unborn son (Riiiight. While Michelle was preggers, she was ready to help fight terrorism in season 4) and every other lousy plot twist in the 24 franchise.

All of that, according to Tony, is the fault of one Alan Wilson. He was behind the Logan administration, the assassinating of President Palmer and he's probably the one who let the cougar loose in the woods to terrorize Kim. Yes, this guy is pure evil.

So the plan, which at this point must be based on the Wile E. Coyote cartoon he saw on his iPod Touch a couple of hours ago, is to strap Jack with a bomb that will detonate when Tony texts "FU" on his phone.

Why the human bomb? Because Alan "Evil Patient Zero" Wilson will get close enough to Bauer during Tony's meet-and-greet. It's partly Bauer's fault, after pleading to Tony to let him die in pieces. What? Oh, I guess I heard him wrong too.

But Tony does get close enough, thanks to the FBI showing up (Kim figured it out? The 24 world I grew up in is dead), and gives Wilson a righteous beating for the various 24 plots he was involved in (I have to believe the majority of those kicks were for season 6) while screaming "YOU KILLED MY SON!!"

Bauer ruins the moment by shooting Tony in the shoulder and then in the hand (which is especially cold since Jack knows it's Tony's masturbating hand).

With Alan "I'm innocent in the eyes of the law" Wilson in custody, Bauer is ready to die, but before he gets some rest (coma), he offers Hot Agent Walker some advice in the form of "Make choices you can live with" and "Don't say anything at all."

Walker takes the advice to heart and, upon seeing Wilson in a holding room, takes off her gun and badge, disables the monitoring system and handcuffs Janice. Why? To make her watch. Torture is so much dirtier when there's an audience.

Too bad for Janice. She just got validation from Chloe at the conclusion of their awkward Olympics, which is like the special Olympics, only no one cheers at the end.

Bauer returns to his pain cycle and calls upon the only Muslim he didn't physically torture in his life and, in the fleeting moments of consciousness, finds enough religion inside of him to forgive himself for everything he's ever done...which includes most of season 3.

The day ends with Bauer enjoying his Morphine-induced coma with Kim by his side, ready to offer up her stem cells in an experimental treatment because, like those of us who enjoy haphazard plots and wooden dialogue, she isn't ready to let him go yet.

Bauer doesn't usually apologize for anything, but when he does, he likes to make sure he's got the forgiveness of God and a healthy batch of stem cells by his side. Season 8 is upon us....stay thirsty my friends.

Neighborhood Watch and the Immense Stupidity of Kim Bauer

24 Season 7 Episode 22
5 a.m. to 6 a.m.

Uuuhhh...I get kidnapped now? Yes?

Tony is in charge and controlling every one's level of awareness, from the Muslim on the train to the random people at the airport who felt the need to look at the pretty blond girl in front of them through a laptop screen.

But what happens when people try to increase their awareness into an unauthorized level? People die...badly...while Tony...spits out...broken...dialogue...slowly.

Tony's speech is also how he gets people to do things for him since no one can really stand the sound of his sandpaper voice.

Jibraan armed with the desire to save his Puerto Rican-looking brother, is told to board the red line and take it to the final stop at Washington Square. Oh, and just to mess with him, Tony hung a "Save the World" poster in the train ticket booth.

In Jibraan's defense, those posters are pretty motivational, which is why 16-year-old girls are barred from having such things in case someone's college-aged brother gets the wrong idea.

However, no poster or PSA can save Jibraan, especially since now that terrorist blond has donned on a brunette wig with glasses, an image that is nonthreatening in society thanks to Tina Fey.

Train people don't care if an angry, hungover-looking Tina Fey shows up. But a Muslim in a jean jacket with a look of uncertainty? Then train people go on neighborhood watch and keep their belongings close. You never knew that happened? It's probably because you're being watched...by everyone (even Tony...but mostly by the suspicious train people who will turn you in to the commuter cops in a hot second).

Unfortunately, since the train people work alone, Bauer has no access to them and must rely on the only thing he knows how to do: inflict pain. And his favorite kind of pain? The one that's already there that only needs to be irritated with a harsh push.

In this case, it's a bunch of nerve clusters ripped to shreds from broken glass. Ah, the unbridled joy of torture is back in Bauer's life and with the FBI silently watching (and secretly cheering on), Senator Mayer must be shaking his head shamefully in hell. You question Bauer's methods during a congressional hearing, you go to hell.

As always, torture works and uncovers a secret emergency number for Tony, which sparks an encryption geek war back at CTU, which has created a strange universe where Chloe is the father figure and Janice is the unappreciated son looking for validation. As for everyone else, they're in the kitchen making Jello in the hopes that the geek war gets physical and sexy.

From the geek war of awkwardness, Tony's general location is found and sends Bauer to a certain neighborhood in D.C. where he has instructed himself to ram his car into anything suspicious, be it dark green mailbox, a McDonald's that runs out of Chicken McNuggets (I can actually smell them as I type) or various vans that come jetting out of streets.

There's one! And Tony's inside? Whhaaaa.....Oh wait. I stopped caring about logic and reason years ago with this show.

With the bomb set to go off in less than 15 minutes (anyone else happy the timing wasn't going to spill into the next episode?), Bauer is feeling frantic, tired and betrayed, allowing him to bring the pain on his former frienemy/friend/co-conspirator/drinking buddy/collateral damage/enemy.

But he doesn't shoot because they're just two dudes with nothing left to lose. Like the title? Good. CBS just hired a TV writer to come up with a new sitcom with that premise staring Charlie Sheen and his brother Emilio.

On the other side of town, Olivia Taylor is attempting to prevent a political bomb from exploding in her face thanks to her late-night murder-call and now has to be coaxed into a political coverup. I thought she got off on this type of stuff. OT, I don't know you at all.

And what do you mean they shot first and now demanding payment? Who did Taylor get mixed up with, real estate agents?

Besides, that's no way to make random friends. The best way is through an earpiece and telling your new friend to search a train for an abandoned bioweapon in a bag because when a person is in a crazy situation, he'll naturally listen to the voice booming into his head.

So with only about a minute left, Jibraan runs out of the station yelling "I Have Bomb!" in an effort to save the very train people who suspected him in the first place, which will only give them credence to their stereotypical accusations, even when they find out later they were wrong.

Bauer, who has run out of crafty ideas to save the world, reaches in and uses his season 3 move for the canister, only this time no teacher lunches were harmed in the process.

Now, according to Hot Agent Walker, Bauer can rest and live the last couple of hours of his life in peace. Until Kim shows up at the airport and does what she does best: the most idiotic thing in the world

Thanks to her misguided CTU training, she suspects the man staring at her as someone bad (he's working for the FBI and was ironically put there to keep her safe) and ends up walking toward the people working with Tony. The only thing missing from this scenario is an inbred mountain lion circling Kim in the woods of LA waiting to pounce, shattering and semblance of reality from the plot.

Tony's people, armed with homicidal tendencies and a well-positioned laptop, have taken (there's a movie called that about a father getting his daughter back from...heeeeeyyy I think I just got cross market'd) Kim, or at least taken the idea of taking Kim, in an effort to provoke Bauer to free Tony from FBI custody.

Unfortunately, this is bad for the FBI because when Bauer gets provoked, headbutts of rage start flying around in the name of honor, liberty and rebelling against the fashion elite.

Jack Bauer, headbutting the world for justice, so you don't have to.

Government cover-ups are hard, controlling the innocent is easy

24 Season 7 Episode 21
4 a.m. to 5 a.m.

Bauer, racially profiling you with one hand in his pocket.

CTU was up to its racial-profiling tricks again with Bauer checking every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse for a Muslim who may or may not have been a terrorist.

Another great CTU tradition was in effect as well, with Jack telling Chloe something personal and then growling at her to "Go back to work." Interestingly enough, he's already ordered that for his gravestone so when people visit him, they'll know the time they wasted would have been better spent racially profiling terrorists with the CTU servers of hate.

Too soon? Not for Bauer. He's already accepted his fate since his day has revolved around the seven stages of grief: shock ("Why did you call my daughter! That wasn't your call!"), denial ("Whatever you heard Renee, I didn't kill anyone!"), guilt ("I'm so sorry I got you in the middle of this"), anger ("Look at the picture?!?), depression ("I gave up on forgiving myself a long time ago") and acceptance ("There is no treatment. There is no cure. I stick things in my arm to feel better and play racial profiling games to improve my memory.")

And, as always, racial profiling proves that it works and this time was even sanctioned by the liberals (embodied in the pathetic gaze of the Janice). If Janice had her way, the FBI would have a six hour discussion on the best course of action, complete with pie charts and the collected works of Hank Williams playing in the background, only to read about what they should have done in next week's Time Magazine. And then bitch some more.

The servers turned up a 28-year-old Muslim man named Al-Zarian, who has a penchant for early breakfasts and acting like a terrorist when a gun is pointed at his brother's head. Actually, he's a little too good at playing the pissed-off Muslim role. Hmmm...

Everything is an effort to keep his brother safe (who DOES look Puerto Rican...are they even related?) and all Al-Zarian has to do is read a script from Evil Tony Almeida and pose for a home-made video.

We're starting to get more clues about the very bad things Tony did as a low-level criminal. Videotaping the Muslims...for shame Tony. For. Shame.

Though it may be a bad day for the brother of a would-be Muslim terrorist (who has yet to get breakfast by the way), it is perhaps worse for Chief of Leakage Olivia Taylor who is just as good at spilling the beans as she is at spreading her legs for unethical journalists in the mood to bump uglies late at night.

For $250,000 she can put away Jonas Hodges, the man she blames for the terrorists attacks, the murder of her brother and that time in the 6th grade when everyone laughed when she farted (whenever gas is used, Hodges is involved).

However, from her dramatic mouse scroll away from the "EXECUTE" button (what system allows double-meaning buttons on their system? It can't be Vista, unless that's Latin for suck and blow), we see Olivia does have a conscience and eventually rejects the payment to off the old man who is being set up with a new identity, torn away from his family and brought to a place where presumably no one will know his name.

If Hodges was a science teacher being crushed with a huge mortgage and in a loveless marriage, he'd be living the American dream.

But he's not. He's a powerful man who has built his name into someone who can smell attitude and throws files at closing doors.

Now he'll be Robert Tippit, an avid bowler who is affectionately called Beard Sauce by his friends because he likes to stroke his beard for the sauce that fell there while he was eating hot wings. He also likes exploding in cars.

Goodbye Hodges. I was going to post a picture of a surprised Jon Voight out of respect, but after googling "Hodges" I found this instead and was distracted for a good two minutes and forgot all about you. Then I found her MySpace page and remembered why I don't bother with my account on there anymore.

As for Olivia, she has found she's good at politically sabotaging herself as well and has the beginnings of a government cover-up on her hands. Do I care? Hardly.

How will Hodges face judgement in the next life? He'll be a beard covering the double chin of a female circus performer from Russia. That's right, Karma is ice cold.

Karma has also found a way to knock Jack down a couple of steps from the Grief scale by helping Chloe determine that the timestamps on the terrorist websites on Al-Zarian's computer were fake.

Rage ensues once more, with Bauer lamenting that he should have known an innocent man would be easier to control than an actual terrorist. Why? Because an innocent man is completely willing to buy into the terrorist health plan, which looks pretty attractive these days given the state of the current health care industry.

Bauer finds the staging area for Tony's Muslims Gone Wild video shoot, but is too late and can only witness a Puerto Rican-looking dude engaging in a personal jihad to some guy's throat.

The good news? Since learning that Bauer is on a suicide mission to save the world, America's 24-hour hero has finally received the respect and adoration of a Muslim leader.

The bad news? The attack is targeting a subway, which is probably meant to disrupt the morning commute in an effort to create an army of William Fosters, who will be a group of ordinary men at war with the everyday world (also known as journalists...Boston journalists to be exact).

The worse news? The war on climate change has a week off because of the absence of a 24 PSA on global warming.