The Blood of Bauer is filled with Rage, Remorse and Weaponized Gas

24 Season 7 Episode 23-24
6 a.m. - 8 a.m.

There will be blood...in your bomb.

There is only one true threat to the nation and it lies within the throbbing angry veins of Bauer that can either be used for a bioweapon or as fighting juice. If Bauer feels tired, he drinks some from any of the inevitable cuts he has on his body and is good for another 24 hours.

The plan, according to Tony, is to extract the blood from a dying man as a last-ditch effort to create a bomb that will teach the nation a lesson. I'm not sure what that lesson is, but I'm sure, like this plan, it's probably something ridiculous like save the environment or something (what sound does your Hybrid make? I bet it's lame).

Bauer is viable as a weapon and the White House has no "actionable intelligence" as to why. It's probably because all of the administration's intel comes from random accusations and obsessed family members content on treating the country's highest office as a conduit for revenge.

Silly Taylors. If you want revenge, you go to the principal's office and get your enemy's child thrown in behavioral classes where they learn phrases like "Freeze!" and "Drop it!"

Thanks to Aaron's red-headed, one-armed meddling, as well as his lack of compassion for his new employer (he's probably pissed. people retire for a reason), Olivia is drowning in her sea of lies and blaming it on the fact that Hodges killed her brother.

Ugh. I hate the Taylors and I'm glad their OCD ways only gave them trips to the hospital and prison. As for Ethan, he only proves that my paranoia is well-grounded and that everyone should drive around in a Hyundai Genesis, the only car equipped to analyze evidence against your sworn enemy.

In fact, Ethan may be the only clear winner after today's events with the president saying "I need you" with that creepy my-husband-will-never-let-me-touch-him-again look.

Best line of the night: "I'm sorry honey" from Mama Prez as she sends her daughter to pound-me-in-the-ass prison in the same vocal tone as a mother apologizing for forgetting to pick up her kid after school.

Redheads like to meddle, as well as recycle tired plots from past 24 seasons, as evidenced by Kara's I-have-your-daughter-Jack-now-do-what-I-say plan. At this point, Jack's file should really come with a "If he picks his nose, he's been compromised" clause to let people know when he's under duress.

But then we wouldn't be privy to his bipolar tendencies of changing from an agent of good to a maniacal terrorist (real world example: Bauer narrating Bank of America ads to Bauer headbutting fashion people...though I still can't decide which one is more evil).

It doesn't matter. Jack flat-out yells about Tony's people keeping Kim captive (she's trapped inside of a laptop screen!) and is quickly dragged away into the terrorist car so that Tony can explain his "We can use his blood" plan because he has seen "the big picture" (is that code for seeing the medical procedure on the Discovery Channel?).

With Tony treating Jack like an American Buffalo (no part must go unused...except the loins. Those are Jack's to keep in the afterlife. It's only fair), Kim Bauer is being treated like the family dog, with all eyes watching her, hoping she won't shit herself in public (I'm talking about us, not the terrorist couple of Curly Smiles and Hobble Hair).

We've been in this territory before and know what Kim is capable of. A part of me expected her to be caught under the airport seats because of some loose clothing and then, in an epic cameo, Johnny Drama would show up to offer his assistance.

However Kim doesn't actually mess anything up. She tracks down Hobble Hair, gets a cop to actually aim at someone bad and grabs a laptop out of a burning car. The only tragedy from the entire situation is that Kim wasn't tackled by Hot Agent Walker to extinguish her arm of fire. When are we going to have good lesbians on 24?

BTW: two people get through airport security with a gun AND a knife? Is our airline security so awful that...oh they're both white? Nevermind.

Apparently the only thing airport security is good at is fleeing from the scene and spitting out the words "It was chaos...everywhere...streetlights...people."

They probably graduated from the same online university that trained doctors to administer a sedative and extract spinal chord fluid. Either that, or the weaponized blood allows Bauer to store paralyzing drugs in one area of his body while the rest of him seethes with rage.

Or maybe Bauer has made peace with his weaponized blood, which gives him the strength to subdue four terrorist doctors and escape to the sunlight where he...finds a garage with a cab in it? Whhhaaa....?

Right. I don't care about logic. Totally forgot.

Bauer is captured again, after failing to kill himself with a flare (deep down, the blood won't let him) and is brought into a room where Tony explains his really for reals reason for doing everything he's done today: sweet sexy revenge.

And not just any sort of revenge. It's revenge for his wife, his unborn son (Riiiight. While Michelle was preggers, she was ready to help fight terrorism in season 4) and every other lousy plot twist in the 24 franchise.

All of that, according to Tony, is the fault of one Alan Wilson. He was behind the Logan administration, the assassinating of President Palmer and he's probably the one who let the cougar loose in the woods to terrorize Kim. Yes, this guy is pure evil.

So the plan, which at this point must be based on the Wile E. Coyote cartoon he saw on his iPod Touch a couple of hours ago, is to strap Jack with a bomb that will detonate when Tony texts "FU" on his phone.

Why the human bomb? Because Alan "Evil Patient Zero" Wilson will get close enough to Bauer during Tony's meet-and-greet. It's partly Bauer's fault, after pleading to Tony to let him die in pieces. What? Oh, I guess I heard him wrong too.

But Tony does get close enough, thanks to the FBI showing up (Kim figured it out? The 24 world I grew up in is dead), and gives Wilson a righteous beating for the various 24 plots he was involved in (I have to believe the majority of those kicks were for season 6) while screaming "YOU KILLED MY SON!!"

Bauer ruins the moment by shooting Tony in the shoulder and then in the hand (which is especially cold since Jack knows it's Tony's masturbating hand).

With Alan "I'm innocent in the eyes of the law" Wilson in custody, Bauer is ready to die, but before he gets some rest (coma), he offers Hot Agent Walker some advice in the form of "Make choices you can live with" and "Don't say anything at all."

Walker takes the advice to heart and, upon seeing Wilson in a holding room, takes off her gun and badge, disables the monitoring system and handcuffs Janice. Why? To make her watch. Torture is so much dirtier when there's an audience.

Too bad for Janice. She just got validation from Chloe at the conclusion of their awkward Olympics, which is like the special Olympics, only no one cheers at the end.

Bauer returns to his pain cycle and calls upon the only Muslim he didn't physically torture in his life and, in the fleeting moments of consciousness, finds enough religion inside of him to forgive himself for everything he's ever done...which includes most of season 3.

The day ends with Bauer enjoying his Morphine-induced coma with Kim by his side, ready to offer up her stem cells in an experimental treatment because, like those of us who enjoy haphazard plots and wooden dialogue, she isn't ready to let him go yet.

Bauer doesn't usually apologize for anything, but when he does, he likes to make sure he's got the forgiveness of God and a healthy batch of stem cells by his side. Season 8 is upon us....stay thirsty my friends.