9 p.m. to 10 p.m.
3.27.06
The day had finally come. I waited an entire week, anxious to see Jack torture his ex-girlfriend by yelling and throwing her up against the wall. Aside from the violent behavior, he was acting out every American male's fantasy: yelling.
But as always, yelling, though fun, can lead to secrets being exposed. And most of the time those secrets are dirty and gross. In Sheryl Crow's case, the evidence that forced Homeland Security (the chic who is Glenn Close sans all the talent and sex appeal) to torture her in the interrogation room (the Jack Bauer playpen) was the fact that she and Walt Cummings (the dirty mole) were…intimate.
Excuse me while I vomit over everything.
It happened only once and it was in a Hotel Notel in Pikesville, Maryland, the hotspot for politicos to bump uglies under the $5 sheets. Now we know why the dirty mole wanted Jack dead last season. He wanted to bang his girlfriend.
Worse than that is admitting this to Bauer in his playpen, mainly because when in the playpen, Bauer isn't Bauer anymore. He's Mad Bauer and he won't be satisfied until you're crying or you have a bullet in your leg.
Mad Bauer: Did you sleep with him??
Scared Crow: YES!
Mad Bauer: But he's UGLY!!!
Scared Crow: It only happened once! I couldn't do it because he wasn't you!
Mad Bauer (points a finger at her): Unclean! Uncleeeaaaann!!!
Homeland Security has much to worry about because if she was wrong, she'll have to deal with Secretary of Rage Heller (Sheryl Crow's dad) and, like Edgar was before him (rest in peace big E), he's hungry and he'll eat anything alive that screws with his daughter.
Jack believes the Scared Crow, but Homeland doesn't and now she wants to bring in Burke, a man who pokes people for pleasure. Wait, all guys do that. Burke uses a needle and is set to torture Scared Crow with it and more loud words. Jack believes his girl and rushes to find evidence that the whore was lying.
And, surprise surprise, the whore was lying (they always lie. Ask my ex-girlfriend). Anti-Bauer (oh yea, he's still alive) called her in the past couple of months and that was enough to send Jack screaming down the hall and punching security guards yelling about immunity agreements.
But immunity doesn't save you from sexual harassment and with a pistol seductively waved around her face (get it? It's supposed to be a penis) the whore gives in to Bauer. She admits that Anti-Bauer told her to say "Audrey Raines" if she was ever caught, much like white teenage girls in the OC are coached by their mothers to say "It was the black guy" if they are ever caught by police. They are also taught to say "Not in the ass" if Charlie Sheen hits on them.
Scared Crow is free and is embraced by Jack who she kisses (though no tongue. You can't makeout in the Bauer playpen. That would be wrong).
Scared Crow: "The only thing that got me through this was that I knew you were coming…"
Incidentally that's what she used to say to Jack after they had sex in a Motel Notel…maybe we've found another whore on 24.
There was a new addition to the 24 family tonight and her name is Sherri. At first, I thought it was silly to introduce a character with the same name of the evil demon from the past. Then I thought that maybe the Sherri's of the world drew up a petition and wanted their name to be associated with someone hot and useful.
Then I found out that Sherri is the 24 equivalent of South Park's "Sexual Harassment Panda" and now I want her to die.
Sherri has been touched before, by Homeland Security #2 (the creep) and she couldn't prove sexual harassment because, like Bigfoot, no one is really sure if it even exists. What she did prove was that sexual harassment can foster female solidarity in the workplace, since she now has Scowl Face on her side.
Sexual Harassment Sherri: "Did you see how he touched my shoulder with his fingernail and then scratched his ear? That means he wants to do it in the supply closet. He should not have done that."
Scowl Face: "I like it when boys touch me. I don't like it when they touch my computer."
Random Plot:
Wayne "The Pain" Palmer is running around in the woods with a loaded assault rifle. He's trying to reach Aaron, the redheaded secret-service guy. Aaron becomes worried that The Pain hasn't showed up yet and goes out into the woods to search for his friend.
Aaron finds The Pain in the woods who then informs him that other people are trying to kill him. (C'mon, every black guy in the woods says that). They team up and head into the woods only to be shot at, which allows them to steal a car and drive off.
This partnership is the beginning of version 2.0 of the A-Team. The team will be completed once an Iraqi soldier and a woman in a wheelchair join them. When there is no one else, these guys just show up shooting.
With all the sexual harassment going on at CTU (with glances, torture, penis/gun in face), Warlock was able to infiltrate a gas company and shoot anyone who had the gall to utter "Hey! We don't take kindly to…"
Warlock is planning to deliver the death gas with natural gas, which is another jab at the hippies. You don't want to be addicted to oil and would rather use gas? Then you die. Maybe that's what all this is about. Killing hippies with gas. It's almost something I can get behind. Almost.
(Hey "The Sentinel" is coming out. Does Kiefer even act anymore? I miss the days when he would play rednecks and cowboys almost exclusively)
Because Sherri took a chemistry class in college ("Someone harassed me there too!"), she tells Old Man Buchanan and Scowl Face that the PSI has to be lowered or the gas will just be inert and just mill about the pipes. (this is also true with the gas inside of you. Let it flow out brothers and sisters or your organs will explode).
They find the right gas company and dispatch Jack, Meathead (if they don't give Curtis a personality, I will), and two random guys.
Warlock is just about to release the Death Gas when Jack and his team find the main control room. A shoot-out occurs (random CTU dies. I mourn for a second then laugh at his corpse) and Warlock escapes. But the gas is already seeping through the plant and will soon be in the pipes that will go out to 200,000 people/hippies in LA.
But with some handy C4, Jack blows up the main tank, completely disallowing the gas go through the pipe (and just like when gas isn't allowed to flow in the body, shit starts blowing up).
Meathead gets everyone clear of the area as Jack attempts (and succeeds) to outrun fire. As he does so, he sees Warlock run away and since Jack can't turn off the crazy inside of him, he gets up and chases him back into the plant that is blowing up.
Warlock sees him and before he shoots is knocked to the ground via an explosion. Jack gets him, but Warlock sexually harasses Jack by grabbing his neck and making him (and the audience) very uncomfortable. Jack head buts him (no one stares deep into my eyes!) and drags Warlock into a police car, just as the fire is spreading all around them.
Did Jack die? Not fucking likely.
How Jack won't be dead:
-uses the ejector seats in the cop car to fly to safety
-takes a handful of Ice Breakers Cool Mint Gum and creates an "ice wall" by blowing into the air
-sexual harasses the fire with a cold, hard stare that sends it whimpering off into the woods, most likely to start a brush fire
-Jack Bauer was made from fire and therefore can not be killed by it
3.28.2006
3.21.2006
Insecurity and Whores in the Homeland
8 p.m. to 9 p.m.
3.20.06
Homeland security has taken over CTU and, in grand government fashion, has done nothing except yell at people and stare aimlessly into the computer screen. They don't even have names. They just bark at you and scream "Homeland Security" like it's supposed to command respect or something. It's actually closer to a punch-line.
I hate Homeland Security. I've hated them ever since Tom Ridge squinted through the television at me and made me feel uncomfortable for lounging around in my boxer shorts at home. Screw you Tom Ridge.
After Homeland Security absorbs everything like the blob, CTU will be forced to become an underground, vigilante group that fights to protect the American people without the consent of the government, much like Larry Flynt and gay cowboys.
The only plan the government has hatched up to protect the people is to put armed military personnel on the streets of LA to "maintain order." You can never maintain order with armed people walking around, unless the order you want to maintain is that of a third world country or Miami Beach.
So why would Bug-eyed Logan do this? He's tired. He just wants a nap. And VP Evil Twin is making a lot of sense, especially when he has that crazed look in his eye. He's even crazier than Crazytown, only he's smart enough to take his pills with a vodka chaser. Crazy always goes down smoother with Absolute.
The only drug Crazytown has is tobacco and her levels were probably depleted since she went out for a smoke and never came back. I predict she'll be in full force next week, especially after a pack of cancer-sticks. She may even look cooler too.
The curfew in LA won't work, mainly because for it to be successful, the general public has to know the time. And people in LA are too smacked out of their heads to care what time of the day it is. Every hour is happy hour to a crack whore.
Which leads us to Jack and Boring Curtis (are they deliberating not giving that guy a personality?) entering the swank hotel to chase down the Whore. This particular whore has had dealings with Warlock and is selling him information vital to the next attack.
He didn't say where it was, but mentioned that releasing the death gas would kill 200,000 people, meaning the target would have to be bigger than a mall, but smaller than a brothel. Or maybe it's getting put into Sour Patch Kids candy bags, hidden as sugar and waiting to explode in a theater.
The Whore isn't there and all we find is Desmond from Lost flying through the air and tackling any black man he sees holding a gun.
(Wait! Did Jack ever give Curtis a "Sorry dude for dropping your ass on a sidewalk." Where's that scene? Or was it a quick guy nod that happened and I missed it? Maybe Curtis is waiting for that camping trip they have planned together and will let out all his dirty man love feelings. Or kill Jack for disrespecting his manhood. Either way, it'll be called "Brokeback Mountain 2: Crash into each other" and it'll win the Best Picture Oscar, a Grammy, an Emmy, the Nobel peace prize, and the national spelling bee.)
But Desmond is on special assignment for MI6. His assignment? Sleep with a hot terrorist whore. Why? To save Germans. More reasons why America sucks ass. We get special assignments like ignore the Sudan or die in Iraq.
Jack needs the Whore so she can tell him where Warlock is, but Desmond won't give her up because she's too valuable, mainly for the sex. When you find a girl who wears knee high black boots and dishes out dirty, European sex you hold on to her. You hold on to her like a fat kid holding on to the last jelly donut. In many ways, she is the last jelly donut in the Dunkin Donut box of whores.
And what kind of operation does MI6 have where you can be undercover and bang hot terrorist chics? Jack went undercover and got emotional bruises, a heroin habit, and another bad day. Maybe next season Jack will go to MI6 and save the world while having sex. Maybe I could do that too and call it a peace mission. (haha "I come in peace.")
As always, Jack finds a way because he has something that's more valuable than a terrorist whore. He's got a "wet list," which is just as valuable, but not as sexy in underwear, even after a bottle of wine. It's a list the NSA has that pinpoints all the terrorist cells they are tracking.
Homeland Security says it's actually not for sale and that it could ruin years of work. I say it's useless since the city of LA has been terrorized at least three times today and they didn't know anything about it. They should just call it garbage and throw it out with other useless things like condoms and the Constitution.
Scowl-face was pretty Bauer-like with her handling of Homeland Security man by throwing water in his lap. Actually, that's pretty standard behavior among tech-geeks after one of their own has been spit on (Edgar's been replaced by a non-fat man. Shameful).
Old Man Buchanan is losing it. He's being pushed out by the head Homeland Security she-beast who wants to grab all the goodies of CTU and kick out all the people, namely anyone who actually wants to secure the homeland. She's more interested in securing the fancy computers CTU has, specifically the ones that allow you to hack into NSA in 20 seconds.
So now Jack has the wet list, which I still don't believe is worth more than a dirty European terrorist whore. And apparently Desmond starts to realize this, since he admits he actually loves the whore.
Desmond: "Have you been in this situation before?"
Jack: "Yes. You never fall for the whore. Everyone knows that."
Desmond: "But I love her."
Jack: "You're mom's a whore."
I'm a big fan of talking on the cellphone on speaker while holding a gun to someone's head. It's going to be the next natural step for cell phone users.
For too long we've had to endure the dirty looks at libraries and mindless PSAs before our movies about how rude we are. Try to "shh!" me the next time I'm talking during dinner and I'll aim a .44 at your head. Go ahead. I'm looking forward to it because I'm pissed off with an itchy trigger finger and a score to settle.
Aw, Desmond and the whore actually loved each other. That's too bad. Jack Bauer doesn't like love. Every love that Bauer has had (Teri, Kim, Nina, Heroin) has let him down. Bauer spits on love and craps in its ear.
And Jack should learn to torture people emotionally. Sometimes it's even more effective.
Whore: "Who was he? Who was he working for? I loved him."
Jack: "He wasn't working for anyone. He was your brother. You know what's grosser than that? He liked it."
It was nice that Jack had the decency to give Desmond the "My bad" call seconds after he swindled him. Again, manic laughter would have sufficed instead of the wimpy "I'll give you my word" speech.
Ah, Bauer. You've made another enemy for life and will probably end up on a deserted island in the next season where Desmond will torture you with random flashbacks of your life and convince you that an arbitrary list of numbers hold the answers to everything.
Why does Jack bother with backup or even a team of agents? If they haven't died yet, they are sent away so Jack can have alone time with the enemy. Jack should just freelance for the government and have Chloe work for him out of her basement. Then he every time he shot his gun or yelled "Stop it!" he could write it off on his taxes.
Random: Little Palmer is on his way to give Aaron a present from Big Brother Palmer and has waited until after the curfew to do this. Then he gets shot off the road and into the woods, where now he is running for his life.
If he finds a goddamn mountain lion in there, I'm really gonna be pissed. Even more pissed that this plot was thrown in for no apparent reason. The present better be worth it, like a laser gun or one of those robotic dogs that flip.
After an hour of what-the-hell moments and my rage for Homeland Security increasing, I was shocked back into a wild, frenzy after the Whore gave up her source for the building schematics she sold to Warlock.
It was Sheryl Crow and, unlike Jack Bauer, she is for sale. In fact, she's in the discount rack next to the Backstreet Boys albums, the movie "From Justin to Kelly", and a box of Peeps.
Next week I'm hoping Bauer pulls out his torture lamp from the Freedom Satchel and says "I have been dying to do this again… "
3.20.06
Homeland security has taken over CTU and, in grand government fashion, has done nothing except yell at people and stare aimlessly into the computer screen. They don't even have names. They just bark at you and scream "Homeland Security" like it's supposed to command respect or something. It's actually closer to a punch-line.
I hate Homeland Security. I've hated them ever since Tom Ridge squinted through the television at me and made me feel uncomfortable for lounging around in my boxer shorts at home. Screw you Tom Ridge.
After Homeland Security absorbs everything like the blob, CTU will be forced to become an underground, vigilante group that fights to protect the American people without the consent of the government, much like Larry Flynt and gay cowboys.
The only plan the government has hatched up to protect the people is to put armed military personnel on the streets of LA to "maintain order." You can never maintain order with armed people walking around, unless the order you want to maintain is that of a third world country or Miami Beach.
So why would Bug-eyed Logan do this? He's tired. He just wants a nap. And VP Evil Twin is making a lot of sense, especially when he has that crazed look in his eye. He's even crazier than Crazytown, only he's smart enough to take his pills with a vodka chaser. Crazy always goes down smoother with Absolute.
The only drug Crazytown has is tobacco and her levels were probably depleted since she went out for a smoke and never came back. I predict she'll be in full force next week, especially after a pack of cancer-sticks. She may even look cooler too.
The curfew in LA won't work, mainly because for it to be successful, the general public has to know the time. And people in LA are too smacked out of their heads to care what time of the day it is. Every hour is happy hour to a crack whore.
Which leads us to Jack and Boring Curtis (are they deliberating not giving that guy a personality?) entering the swank hotel to chase down the Whore. This particular whore has had dealings with Warlock and is selling him information vital to the next attack.
He didn't say where it was, but mentioned that releasing the death gas would kill 200,000 people, meaning the target would have to be bigger than a mall, but smaller than a brothel. Or maybe it's getting put into Sour Patch Kids candy bags, hidden as sugar and waiting to explode in a theater.
The Whore isn't there and all we find is Desmond from Lost flying through the air and tackling any black man he sees holding a gun.
(Wait! Did Jack ever give Curtis a "Sorry dude for dropping your ass on a sidewalk." Where's that scene? Or was it a quick guy nod that happened and I missed it? Maybe Curtis is waiting for that camping trip they have planned together and will let out all his dirty man love feelings. Or kill Jack for disrespecting his manhood. Either way, it'll be called "Brokeback Mountain 2: Crash into each other" and it'll win the Best Picture Oscar, a Grammy, an Emmy, the Nobel peace prize, and the national spelling bee.)
But Desmond is on special assignment for MI6. His assignment? Sleep with a hot terrorist whore. Why? To save Germans. More reasons why America sucks ass. We get special assignments like ignore the Sudan or die in Iraq.
Jack needs the Whore so she can tell him where Warlock is, but Desmond won't give her up because she's too valuable, mainly for the sex. When you find a girl who wears knee high black boots and dishes out dirty, European sex you hold on to her. You hold on to her like a fat kid holding on to the last jelly donut. In many ways, she is the last jelly donut in the Dunkin Donut box of whores.
And what kind of operation does MI6 have where you can be undercover and bang hot terrorist chics? Jack went undercover and got emotional bruises, a heroin habit, and another bad day. Maybe next season Jack will go to MI6 and save the world while having sex. Maybe I could do that too and call it a peace mission. (haha "I come in peace.")
As always, Jack finds a way because he has something that's more valuable than a terrorist whore. He's got a "wet list," which is just as valuable, but not as sexy in underwear, even after a bottle of wine. It's a list the NSA has that pinpoints all the terrorist cells they are tracking.
Homeland Security says it's actually not for sale and that it could ruin years of work. I say it's useless since the city of LA has been terrorized at least three times today and they didn't know anything about it. They should just call it garbage and throw it out with other useless things like condoms and the Constitution.
Scowl-face was pretty Bauer-like with her handling of Homeland Security man by throwing water in his lap. Actually, that's pretty standard behavior among tech-geeks after one of their own has been spit on (Edgar's been replaced by a non-fat man. Shameful).
Old Man Buchanan is losing it. He's being pushed out by the head Homeland Security she-beast who wants to grab all the goodies of CTU and kick out all the people, namely anyone who actually wants to secure the homeland. She's more interested in securing the fancy computers CTU has, specifically the ones that allow you to hack into NSA in 20 seconds.
So now Jack has the wet list, which I still don't believe is worth more than a dirty European terrorist whore. And apparently Desmond starts to realize this, since he admits he actually loves the whore.
Desmond: "Have you been in this situation before?"
Jack: "Yes. You never fall for the whore. Everyone knows that."
Desmond: "But I love her."
Jack: "You're mom's a whore."
I'm a big fan of talking on the cellphone on speaker while holding a gun to someone's head. It's going to be the next natural step for cell phone users.
For too long we've had to endure the dirty looks at libraries and mindless PSAs before our movies about how rude we are. Try to "shh!" me the next time I'm talking during dinner and I'll aim a .44 at your head. Go ahead. I'm looking forward to it because I'm pissed off with an itchy trigger finger and a score to settle.
Aw, Desmond and the whore actually loved each other. That's too bad. Jack Bauer doesn't like love. Every love that Bauer has had (Teri, Kim, Nina, Heroin) has let him down. Bauer spits on love and craps in its ear.
And Jack should learn to torture people emotionally. Sometimes it's even more effective.
Whore: "Who was he? Who was he working for? I loved him."
Jack: "He wasn't working for anyone. He was your brother. You know what's grosser than that? He liked it."
It was nice that Jack had the decency to give Desmond the "My bad" call seconds after he swindled him. Again, manic laughter would have sufficed instead of the wimpy "I'll give you my word" speech.
Ah, Bauer. You've made another enemy for life and will probably end up on a deserted island in the next season where Desmond will torture you with random flashbacks of your life and convince you that an arbitrary list of numbers hold the answers to everything.
Why does Jack bother with backup or even a team of agents? If they haven't died yet, they are sent away so Jack can have alone time with the enemy. Jack should just freelance for the government and have Chloe work for him out of her basement. Then he every time he shot his gun or yelled "Stop it!" he could write it off on his taxes.
Random: Little Palmer is on his way to give Aaron a present from Big Brother Palmer and has waited until after the curfew to do this. Then he gets shot off the road and into the woods, where now he is running for his life.
If he finds a goddamn mountain lion in there, I'm really gonna be pissed. Even more pissed that this plot was thrown in for no apparent reason. The present better be worth it, like a laser gun or one of those robotic dogs that flip.
After an hour of what-the-hell moments and my rage for Homeland Security increasing, I was shocked back into a wild, frenzy after the Whore gave up her source for the building schematics she sold to Warlock.
It was Sheryl Crow and, unlike Jack Bauer, she is for sale. In fact, she's in the discount rack next to the Backstreet Boys albums, the movie "From Justin to Kelly", and a box of Peeps.
Next week I'm hoping Bauer pulls out his torture lamp from the Freedom Satchel and says "I have been dying to do this again… "
3.14.2006
Land of the Dead
7 p.m. to 8 p.m.
3.13.06
The rooms have been sealed off and there are dead bodies scattered all over CTU. And just as Scowl-face was crying for the lump that used to be the lovable Edgar, a loud booming voice came over the intercom.
Attention. The facility has been contaminated. Please enter one of the three sealed off rooms. I would also like to point out that your co-workers are all drooling over my floor. Please clear that off at the appropriate time.
And I thought computers didn't have a sense of humor. Though the warning was about five minutes too late, it's nice to know Hal Jr. was thinking about us.
The gas masks are in the armory? Why? When Edgar was alive (sniff) he probably cut some nasty farts and I'm sure people had gas masks hidden everywhere for their own protection.
Poor Chloe. Not only is her best fat friend dead, but she has to endure Bauer yelling at her to get to work. Bauer's spent so much time in the field, he's a bit out of touch with office politics and how to handle a grief-shaken employee. Then again, Bauer's way is a lot more fun…
What she did respond to, at least a little bit, was the hippie magic from Rat Boy, a peace-loving clinical psychologist whose specialty is telling people to "just breathe."
Goonie is confessing his sins in the time-out lounge to Insensitive Security Guard (ISG) about losing his keycard and being embarrassed that he got beat up. He's a Goonie. He should be used to getting beat up all the time. If he wants to be ashamed about something, how about convincing the world that Rudy was a lovable guy instead of the insufferable prick he really is?
Why is Tony always in pain? He's either shot, limping, or drunk at CTU. He's never been at 100 percent, which is probably what keeps him focused. He's also responsible for bringing us another Princess Bride moment after he held a gun to Anti-Bauer's head.
"My name is Tony. You killed my wife. Prepare to die."
But like an evil conscience, Bauer was watching Tony from a camera and convinced him to leave Anti-Bauer alone, at least until the Truth Juice had done its business. Truth Juice is a lot like prune juice. Whatever bad, smelly secret you have inside of you, it'll come out soon enough, whether you want it to or not.
It isn't fair for Jack to tell Tony revenge and blind rage isn't fun. He has been in the same situation and acted how he wanted to do. Minutes before this "Settle down" moment with Tony, Jack was taking Rat Boy up against the wall.
Jack doesn't understand science and therefore doesn't trust it. That and he hates goatees.
More evidence that Tom Cruise was right about psychology: Jack wanting to kill Rat Boy convinces Chloe to get back to work, not wussy "breathing."
More evidence that Bauer is infallible: no one tries to stop him from killing Rat Boy. It even took Hellchild a couple of seconds to break it up.
Back in the nut house, the VP Evil Twin is close to living every politician's dream by declaring war on the city of LA. The reasoning? CTU was the first line of defense and now that they're gone, we're all screwed. That's crazy talk. They still have the Clippers and with enough lines of coke, those guys will do anything (like win games).
And while everyone has told Logan that Marshall Law will create mayhem, no one's telling him the positive aspects of having a constant military presence on the streets.
-the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" rule will finally have a presence in LA
-get to see what it's like to be a dictator for a couple of hours
-you can legally change your name to "Marshall Law" (this is encouraged)
-no more bums on the street (Unless they sing. Then they can live. But they're still not getting my quarter)
They have to act quickly because Warlock is already gearing up for his next target where he plans to blow his entire nerve gas load. And speaking of blowing a load, who's the whore? Why do terrorists always bring a whore into the plan? There are two things that don't mix with terrorism and they are whores and gorillas, mainly because they will eventually play by their own rules.
CTU (Crazy Tactics Universe) has just discovered that the nerve gas has been given teeth and is eating away at the walls (the gas is alive? and it's hungry?), making the sealed off rooms like those yellow circles Pac-Man would eat to get stoned.
Scowl-face thinks she can get the air condition to suck out all the bad. But for that to happen Jack has to find a computer in a sealed off room…while holding his breath.
Sheryl Crow: Jack, you can't hold your breath for that long
Bauer: I did when you tried to talk to me with your morning breath
Sheryl Crow (looks at everyone, looks down):…it's true. I have ass breath
(I admit it. I held my breath with Jack and ran around the kitchen looking for food. I made it to a minute before I stepped on some Dorritos, forcing me to yell "Oh shit!" and kicking the trash can in disgust.)
But don't worry. Jack has his hood on, which helps in the breath-holding process. It also makes you look really badass so the gas doesn't even want to touch you. Unfortunately, the computer Jack needs is sealed off itself, due to pipes in the wall (allowing Jack to show off that he can hold his breath and grunt disapprovingly at the same time).
Now someone has to die and since it was the Goonie's fault for getting beat up, he's sent into the land of death to quit out of the computer. He and the ISG ("You're lying Bauer! Why don't you die! It's Lynn's fault for being a bitch! I hate my red shirt!") have to make the ultimate sacrifice and die a quick, painful death that will leave their gross drool all over the floor.
Random hope: If the gas is "alive" and eating walls, does that mean the people will turn into zombies? I just want to see zombies roaming around LA, like on the E! channel.
For those that don't know, an ultimate sacrifice is what your bowels endure when you eat two ultimate burrito supremes from the taco stand on the side of the road. You know it's wrong, but it's soooo worth it.
And thanks to Lynn and ISG ("Hey, I'm ok! The gas is gone! I'm…gggguuuuuulllrripi"), the 60 percent of CTU that lived through the crisis can breathe easy now, though they will be haunted by Lynn's unnerving death pose on the camera that made his ass look strangely huge.
How Chloe plans to relax after the day is over: She'll find information on you, share it with Jack, and then laugh maniacally into the night.
After the two-hour reunion, Hellchild is finally leaving and gave no indication to Jack that she was going to be in his life.
"I don't want to be around you. When I'm around, people die. I truly am the Hellchild."
All Jack wants is a day with his daughter, which may lead to a spin-off of 24 for the Lifetime channel where Jack and Kim spend 24 hours together fighting, laughing, talking about their feelings, and watching the Notebook numerous times.
With Homeland Security minutes away from taking over the now defunct CTU, there's still time for some mayhem in the land of death, and it came in the form of Tony about to stick Anti-Bauer with a shot through the heart.
Only he didn't. Anti-Bauer woke up and stabbed Tony with his needle of death, leaving him whimpering on the floor and eventually letting go because the love of his life was gone.
Thanks 24. You killed two of my favorite characters in the span of two weeks. I'm going out to a parking lot to look for a Goonie so I can beat the living shit out of him.
3.13.06
The rooms have been sealed off and there are dead bodies scattered all over CTU. And just as Scowl-face was crying for the lump that used to be the lovable Edgar, a loud booming voice came over the intercom.
Attention. The facility has been contaminated. Please enter one of the three sealed off rooms. I would also like to point out that your co-workers are all drooling over my floor. Please clear that off at the appropriate time.
And I thought computers didn't have a sense of humor. Though the warning was about five minutes too late, it's nice to know Hal Jr. was thinking about us.
The gas masks are in the armory? Why? When Edgar was alive (sniff) he probably cut some nasty farts and I'm sure people had gas masks hidden everywhere for their own protection.
Poor Chloe. Not only is her best fat friend dead, but she has to endure Bauer yelling at her to get to work. Bauer's spent so much time in the field, he's a bit out of touch with office politics and how to handle a grief-shaken employee. Then again, Bauer's way is a lot more fun…
What she did respond to, at least a little bit, was the hippie magic from Rat Boy, a peace-loving clinical psychologist whose specialty is telling people to "just breathe."
Goonie is confessing his sins in the time-out lounge to Insensitive Security Guard (ISG) about losing his keycard and being embarrassed that he got beat up. He's a Goonie. He should be used to getting beat up all the time. If he wants to be ashamed about something, how about convincing the world that Rudy was a lovable guy instead of the insufferable prick he really is?
Why is Tony always in pain? He's either shot, limping, or drunk at CTU. He's never been at 100 percent, which is probably what keeps him focused. He's also responsible for bringing us another Princess Bride moment after he held a gun to Anti-Bauer's head.
"My name is Tony. You killed my wife. Prepare to die."
But like an evil conscience, Bauer was watching Tony from a camera and convinced him to leave Anti-Bauer alone, at least until the Truth Juice had done its business. Truth Juice is a lot like prune juice. Whatever bad, smelly secret you have inside of you, it'll come out soon enough, whether you want it to or not.
It isn't fair for Jack to tell Tony revenge and blind rage isn't fun. He has been in the same situation and acted how he wanted to do. Minutes before this "Settle down" moment with Tony, Jack was taking Rat Boy up against the wall.
Jack doesn't understand science and therefore doesn't trust it. That and he hates goatees.
More evidence that Tom Cruise was right about psychology: Jack wanting to kill Rat Boy convinces Chloe to get back to work, not wussy "breathing."
More evidence that Bauer is infallible: no one tries to stop him from killing Rat Boy. It even took Hellchild a couple of seconds to break it up.
Back in the nut house, the VP Evil Twin is close to living every politician's dream by declaring war on the city of LA. The reasoning? CTU was the first line of defense and now that they're gone, we're all screwed. That's crazy talk. They still have the Clippers and with enough lines of coke, those guys will do anything (like win games).
And while everyone has told Logan that Marshall Law will create mayhem, no one's telling him the positive aspects of having a constant military presence on the streets.
-the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" rule will finally have a presence in LA
-get to see what it's like to be a dictator for a couple of hours
-you can legally change your name to "Marshall Law" (this is encouraged)
-no more bums on the street (Unless they sing. Then they can live. But they're still not getting my quarter)
They have to act quickly because Warlock is already gearing up for his next target where he plans to blow his entire nerve gas load. And speaking of blowing a load, who's the whore? Why do terrorists always bring a whore into the plan? There are two things that don't mix with terrorism and they are whores and gorillas, mainly because they will eventually play by their own rules.
CTU (Crazy Tactics Universe) has just discovered that the nerve gas has been given teeth and is eating away at the walls (the gas is alive? and it's hungry?), making the sealed off rooms like those yellow circles Pac-Man would eat to get stoned.
Scowl-face thinks she can get the air condition to suck out all the bad. But for that to happen Jack has to find a computer in a sealed off room…while holding his breath.
Sheryl Crow: Jack, you can't hold your breath for that long
Bauer: I did when you tried to talk to me with your morning breath
Sheryl Crow (looks at everyone, looks down):…it's true. I have ass breath
(I admit it. I held my breath with Jack and ran around the kitchen looking for food. I made it to a minute before I stepped on some Dorritos, forcing me to yell "Oh shit!" and kicking the trash can in disgust.)
But don't worry. Jack has his hood on, which helps in the breath-holding process. It also makes you look really badass so the gas doesn't even want to touch you. Unfortunately, the computer Jack needs is sealed off itself, due to pipes in the wall (allowing Jack to show off that he can hold his breath and grunt disapprovingly at the same time).
Now someone has to die and since it was the Goonie's fault for getting beat up, he's sent into the land of death to quit out of the computer. He and the ISG ("You're lying Bauer! Why don't you die! It's Lynn's fault for being a bitch! I hate my red shirt!") have to make the ultimate sacrifice and die a quick, painful death that will leave their gross drool all over the floor.
Random hope: If the gas is "alive" and eating walls, does that mean the people will turn into zombies? I just want to see zombies roaming around LA, like on the E! channel.
For those that don't know, an ultimate sacrifice is what your bowels endure when you eat two ultimate burrito supremes from the taco stand on the side of the road. You know it's wrong, but it's soooo worth it.
And thanks to Lynn and ISG ("Hey, I'm ok! The gas is gone! I'm…gggguuuuuulllrripi"), the 60 percent of CTU that lived through the crisis can breathe easy now, though they will be haunted by Lynn's unnerving death pose on the camera that made his ass look strangely huge.
How Chloe plans to relax after the day is over: She'll find information on you, share it with Jack, and then laugh maniacally into the night.
After the two-hour reunion, Hellchild is finally leaving and gave no indication to Jack that she was going to be in his life.
"I don't want to be around you. When I'm around, people die. I truly am the Hellchild."
All Jack wants is a day with his daughter, which may lead to a spin-off of 24 for the Lifetime channel where Jack and Kim spend 24 hours together fighting, laughing, talking about their feelings, and watching the Notebook numerous times.
With Homeland Security minutes away from taking over the now defunct CTU, there's still time for some mayhem in the land of death, and it came in the form of Tony about to stick Anti-Bauer with a shot through the heart.
Only he didn't. Anti-Bauer woke up and stabbed Tony with his needle of death, leaving him whimpering on the floor and eventually letting go because the love of his life was gone.
Thanks 24. You killed two of my favorite characters in the span of two weeks. I'm going out to a parking lot to look for a Goonie so I can beat the living shit out of him.
3.07.2006
One Big Fat Tear
5 p.m. to 7 p.m.
3.6.06
There are a couple of things people hate seeing fat men do. They are, in no particular order, eating, dying, and dancing. Last night, I would have rather seen Edgar doing a jig and stuffing the new 12-inch Subway pastrami sub down his throat, then to see him die at the conclusion of the two-hour deathfest that was 24.
I cried for the fat man. He was only checking on hot Keri, hoping to plant seeds for the IT ménage-à-trois he was planning with Scowl-Face. But he didn't make it. As every fat man eventually will, he died at the hands of gas.
His last word was "Chloe," the name of the girl he was gearing up to ask out. Instead, his giant mass fell to the floor with a resounding "thud" that shook the world, both because of his weight and because of the gravity of the situation.
Even Jack cared for Edgar. He told the other woman to get lost after she pounded on the glass, but allowed a soft "Oh no" to escape his lips when he saw Edgar.
For a second I thought that Edgar would be ok, that years of ingesting every toxic Big Mac, French fry, and deep-fried candy bar would have made him immune to such bio-terrorism. As always with science, I was wrong. (I'm only good at predicting when things explode in a microwave).
So let me take a moment as I throw this greasy pizza with sausage and pepperoni on the ground for Edgar Styles. Enjoy heaven. I'm sure it's equipped with a 24-hour buffet and wi-fi capabilities that God is stealing from New Jersey.
Tony's having a bad day too. He has awoken from his coma-nap and is demanding information about Michelle. And, in true CTU fashion, it's suggested that they lie to Tony about his wife because his blood pressure might rise and his heart could explode, causing a big mess that no one wants to clean up. CTU has no janitors, only security guards equipped with dustpans, which is why they are useless most of the time.
Tony: "Can you send a message to Michelle? Tell her I'm alright?"
Old Man Buchanan: "Yea sure. If you want, you can write something down and I'll put it on her cold, dead forehead with a tack."
Sure, the truth hurts, but it's better than going to a computer and having it say DECEASED all over your loved one's name, followed by pictures of their dead body in case you were too dumb to get it the first time.
Dr. SayNothing: "If you press this button, you can actually see the explosion in reverse. See? Michelle alive. Michelle dead. Michelle alive. Michelle dead…"
Now that Tony's single again, he'll return to his booze-filled afternoons when he eyed his pistol, trying to think of someone to kill.
Back in White House land, Crazytown has survived the limo attack. Now she's itching for a bitching to her dopey husband who didn't stop the attack on the limo and wasn't there afterwards to give her a hug. Aaron, the red-headed secret service guy was there, but they aren't allowed to hug anything (trees, people, corners).
It wasn't until Novick found her and told her of the special "prayer-time" he shared with Logan that Crazytown started to let a little bit.
Crazytown: "Charles prayed? On his knees? And did you know I smoked?"
Yea what? There have been 13 episodes and only now she's bringing out the cancer stick? Buuuulllllshhhiiit. If she truly smoked, she would have been lighting them up right after she got felt-up by Walt the Molester.
So now Crazytown is back in the circle of trust with the Prez, mostly because Novick wants the VP (Logan's evil twin. Logan's not evil, just stupid) out of the picture. Apparently anyone who calls Logan up on the phone or comes in with a flashy presentation will not only get his full attention, but will get his full cooperation as well.
VP Evil Twin wants to declare Martial Law, but to do so in a way that they don't have to call it Martial Law.
Novick: "This has to go through Congress."
Evil Twin: "Not if we call it something sexy, like Clarence Thomas Law."
Novick: "So instead of mass chaos, we have mass sexual harassment where people would just put their pubic hair on everything. Nice."
They have to do something because Warlock is threatening to release more gas and this time in a hospital. A hospital? C'mon Warlock, you were the son of Satan. You're better than that.
The Death Cans are being put on the "Maximum Causality Setting" instead of the "April Fools Setting." The only difference between the two is that the April Fools one has confetti fly out instead of gas. It's a hit at Russian birthday parties and bar mitzvahs.
The timer added more drama, especially when Curtis ran with it from the basement, up the stairs, down the hall, past the front desk, through the front door, down the sidewalk, through a taco bell, and finally into the van.
All the while his team of CTU blockers kept yelling out "Make a hole! Make a hole!" (haha, I yelled that during sex once). After this, Curtis and his team should create a flag-football team and take over the league with their "bomb-running play."
But the threat isn't over. There's a multitude of Death Cans left and, unknown to Old Man Buchanan and company, CTU is the next target, thanks in part to the Little Bitch who's in detention because he threw a fit an hour ago.
Why did he throw a fit? Because his coked-up sister and her metal boyfriend beat him up for his wallet, which contained his CTU keycard.
He's calmed down now and regained enough sense to throw Old Man Buchanan his patented "Goonie Face" that gets him free phone calls in prison and extra sauce on his Arby's Roast Beef sandwich.
Metal boyfriend has a plan. He's been roped into selling said keycard for a cool $20,000, which he will then use to coke out his girlfriend even more to help her lose this last annoying ten pounds (which would bring her to the socially-acceptable weight of five pounds). That, and coke lines are much better when they're made with a government keycard.
Coke-Out Sis: "Who's gonna pay you $20,000??"
Apparently no one. The ugly-faced terrorist with the bad accent shows up and kills them both, execution style. This is a shame, since I was waiting for a coke-fueled rant in the future. Alas, I'll just have to head to Mexico soon, where I can find a coke-fueled anything for a buck and a quarter.
Speaking of coke-fueled fun, Jack has found a new strategy in the game of anti-terrorism. He convinces people he's dead and jumps out of closets to surprise them. You actually don't need coke for this, but it does add to the hilarity.
Anti-Bauer thinks he's dead, so Jack has showed up at his house, toting his satchel and gun. But Anti-Bauer isn't home. He's off at the bank, getting an obscene amount of cash, leaving Jack to catch-up with Marion, Anti-Bauer's wife and an old friend of Jack.
Unfortunately, when Jack plays catch-up, he uses a gun and very loud words, making a normal conversation virtually impossible (most people aren't willing to yell that loud).
Marion: "Why do you hate him so much? He loves you."
Bauer: "…He's taller. And he stole my lunch that one time."
I now know why Jack has Chloe. He's afraid of computers. He doesn't know how to work them and looks upon them with distrust and misguided rage. They don't find anything, save for some music files. And though it's distressing to see someone listening to Hilary Duff songs, it's not a felony (yet).
There is a super secret file that has a password Marion doesn’t even know. They shouldn't have wasted their time since it was probably Anti-Bauer's stash of Asian porn.
Bauer: "Chloe there's a computer here. I need you to walk me through this."
Scowl-Face: "Just don't shoot it Jack. Computers are your friends. Remember? It's on that T-shirt I gave you."
The computer doesn't work and now Anti-Bauer is home, so it's off to plan B. More yelling and shooting legs.
Anti-Bauer: "Oh that's good Jack, start at the knee, just like I taught you. Go ahead. I'm fucking Robocop. I'm all metal and rage."
Everything is metal, even his heart since he was willing to put his wife in a wheelchair instead of divulging his "Pandora's box" of secrets. And why the knee? Is that where the truth lies? Not the elbow or the ear?
Anti-Bauer is now being brought to CTU for "medical interrogation." This is when they inject someone with a combination of the bird flu, chicken pox, and the heebie-jeebies.
(Hey, X-Men 3! Kick ass!)
Back at CTU Kim Bauer, the Hellchild, is waiting for Jack, the dad she thought was dead. And she's the hell-child because wherever she goes, hell follows.
(Haha. Chase left because he couldn't handle it. Hand-le.)
Accompanying Hellchild is Ratboy, a clinical psychologist who got into the profession so that he could bag vulnerable chicks, despite his rodent-looking goatee. And though Jack wants to beat Ratboy's ass, there's no time.
The ugly faced terrorist is in the building and has brought a Gas Can in with him. When Little Bitch finally fesses up to losing his keycard (did the terrorists really think no one would know about it for four hours?) the alarm goes off and Old Man Buchanan calls for a Code Six, which is the code to go crazy and scream. Buchanan also calls for this code when he's out at the bar.
And just like at the bar, Bauer refuses to break the seal. The sealed-off room houses a selected group of main characters who pass the time making bets on who will last the longest with the gas.
Which finally brings us back to Edgar, shuffling into the middle of the CTU and shedding one big fat tear. I'll throw another slice of greasy pizza on the ground for him. It's what he would have wanted. That and maybe a quick boob-shot from Chloe. That way he would have died seeing a boob other than his own.
3.6.06
There are a couple of things people hate seeing fat men do. They are, in no particular order, eating, dying, and dancing. Last night, I would have rather seen Edgar doing a jig and stuffing the new 12-inch Subway pastrami sub down his throat, then to see him die at the conclusion of the two-hour deathfest that was 24.
I cried for the fat man. He was only checking on hot Keri, hoping to plant seeds for the IT ménage-à-trois he was planning with Scowl-Face. But he didn't make it. As every fat man eventually will, he died at the hands of gas.
His last word was "Chloe," the name of the girl he was gearing up to ask out. Instead, his giant mass fell to the floor with a resounding "thud" that shook the world, both because of his weight and because of the gravity of the situation.
Even Jack cared for Edgar. He told the other woman to get lost after she pounded on the glass, but allowed a soft "Oh no" to escape his lips when he saw Edgar.
For a second I thought that Edgar would be ok, that years of ingesting every toxic Big Mac, French fry, and deep-fried candy bar would have made him immune to such bio-terrorism. As always with science, I was wrong. (I'm only good at predicting when things explode in a microwave).
So let me take a moment as I throw this greasy pizza with sausage and pepperoni on the ground for Edgar Styles. Enjoy heaven. I'm sure it's equipped with a 24-hour buffet and wi-fi capabilities that God is stealing from New Jersey.
Tony's having a bad day too. He has awoken from his coma-nap and is demanding information about Michelle. And, in true CTU fashion, it's suggested that they lie to Tony about his wife because his blood pressure might rise and his heart could explode, causing a big mess that no one wants to clean up. CTU has no janitors, only security guards equipped with dustpans, which is why they are useless most of the time.
Tony: "Can you send a message to Michelle? Tell her I'm alright?"
Old Man Buchanan: "Yea sure. If you want, you can write something down and I'll put it on her cold, dead forehead with a tack."
Sure, the truth hurts, but it's better than going to a computer and having it say DECEASED all over your loved one's name, followed by pictures of their dead body in case you were too dumb to get it the first time.
Dr. SayNothing: "If you press this button, you can actually see the explosion in reverse. See? Michelle alive. Michelle dead. Michelle alive. Michelle dead…"
Now that Tony's single again, he'll return to his booze-filled afternoons when he eyed his pistol, trying to think of someone to kill.
Back in White House land, Crazytown has survived the limo attack. Now she's itching for a bitching to her dopey husband who didn't stop the attack on the limo and wasn't there afterwards to give her a hug. Aaron, the red-headed secret service guy was there, but they aren't allowed to hug anything (trees, people, corners).
It wasn't until Novick found her and told her of the special "prayer-time" he shared with Logan that Crazytown started to let a little bit.
Crazytown: "Charles prayed? On his knees? And did you know I smoked?"
Yea what? There have been 13 episodes and only now she's bringing out the cancer stick? Buuuulllllshhhiiit. If she truly smoked, she would have been lighting them up right after she got felt-up by Walt the Molester.
So now Crazytown is back in the circle of trust with the Prez, mostly because Novick wants the VP (Logan's evil twin. Logan's not evil, just stupid) out of the picture. Apparently anyone who calls Logan up on the phone or comes in with a flashy presentation will not only get his full attention, but will get his full cooperation as well.
VP Evil Twin wants to declare Martial Law, but to do so in a way that they don't have to call it Martial Law.
Novick: "This has to go through Congress."
Evil Twin: "Not if we call it something sexy, like Clarence Thomas Law."
Novick: "So instead of mass chaos, we have mass sexual harassment where people would just put their pubic hair on everything. Nice."
They have to do something because Warlock is threatening to release more gas and this time in a hospital. A hospital? C'mon Warlock, you were the son of Satan. You're better than that.
The Death Cans are being put on the "Maximum Causality Setting" instead of the "April Fools Setting." The only difference between the two is that the April Fools one has confetti fly out instead of gas. It's a hit at Russian birthday parties and bar mitzvahs.
The timer added more drama, especially when Curtis ran with it from the basement, up the stairs, down the hall, past the front desk, through the front door, down the sidewalk, through a taco bell, and finally into the van.
All the while his team of CTU blockers kept yelling out "Make a hole! Make a hole!" (haha, I yelled that during sex once). After this, Curtis and his team should create a flag-football team and take over the league with their "bomb-running play."
But the threat isn't over. There's a multitude of Death Cans left and, unknown to Old Man Buchanan and company, CTU is the next target, thanks in part to the Little Bitch who's in detention because he threw a fit an hour ago.
Why did he throw a fit? Because his coked-up sister and her metal boyfriend beat him up for his wallet, which contained his CTU keycard.
He's calmed down now and regained enough sense to throw Old Man Buchanan his patented "Goonie Face" that gets him free phone calls in prison and extra sauce on his Arby's Roast Beef sandwich.
Metal boyfriend has a plan. He's been roped into selling said keycard for a cool $20,000, which he will then use to coke out his girlfriend even more to help her lose this last annoying ten pounds (which would bring her to the socially-acceptable weight of five pounds). That, and coke lines are much better when they're made with a government keycard.
Coke-Out Sis: "Who's gonna pay you $20,000??"
Apparently no one. The ugly-faced terrorist with the bad accent shows up and kills them both, execution style. This is a shame, since I was waiting for a coke-fueled rant in the future. Alas, I'll just have to head to Mexico soon, where I can find a coke-fueled anything for a buck and a quarter.
Speaking of coke-fueled fun, Jack has found a new strategy in the game of anti-terrorism. He convinces people he's dead and jumps out of closets to surprise them. You actually don't need coke for this, but it does add to the hilarity.
Anti-Bauer thinks he's dead, so Jack has showed up at his house, toting his satchel and gun. But Anti-Bauer isn't home. He's off at the bank, getting an obscene amount of cash, leaving Jack to catch-up with Marion, Anti-Bauer's wife and an old friend of Jack.
Unfortunately, when Jack plays catch-up, he uses a gun and very loud words, making a normal conversation virtually impossible (most people aren't willing to yell that loud).
Marion: "Why do you hate him so much? He loves you."
Bauer: "…He's taller. And he stole my lunch that one time."
I now know why Jack has Chloe. He's afraid of computers. He doesn't know how to work them and looks upon them with distrust and misguided rage. They don't find anything, save for some music files. And though it's distressing to see someone listening to Hilary Duff songs, it's not a felony (yet).
There is a super secret file that has a password Marion doesn’t even know. They shouldn't have wasted their time since it was probably Anti-Bauer's stash of Asian porn.
Bauer: "Chloe there's a computer here. I need you to walk me through this."
Scowl-Face: "Just don't shoot it Jack. Computers are your friends. Remember? It's on that T-shirt I gave you."
The computer doesn't work and now Anti-Bauer is home, so it's off to plan B. More yelling and shooting legs.
Anti-Bauer: "Oh that's good Jack, start at the knee, just like I taught you. Go ahead. I'm fucking Robocop. I'm all metal and rage."
Everything is metal, even his heart since he was willing to put his wife in a wheelchair instead of divulging his "Pandora's box" of secrets. And why the knee? Is that where the truth lies? Not the elbow or the ear?
Anti-Bauer is now being brought to CTU for "medical interrogation." This is when they inject someone with a combination of the bird flu, chicken pox, and the heebie-jeebies.
(Hey, X-Men 3! Kick ass!)
Back at CTU Kim Bauer, the Hellchild, is waiting for Jack, the dad she thought was dead. And she's the hell-child because wherever she goes, hell follows.
(Haha. Chase left because he couldn't handle it. Hand-le.)
Accompanying Hellchild is Ratboy, a clinical psychologist who got into the profession so that he could bag vulnerable chicks, despite his rodent-looking goatee. And though Jack wants to beat Ratboy's ass, there's no time.
The ugly faced terrorist is in the building and has brought a Gas Can in with him. When Little Bitch finally fesses up to losing his keycard (did the terrorists really think no one would know about it for four hours?) the alarm goes off and Old Man Buchanan calls for a Code Six, which is the code to go crazy and scream. Buchanan also calls for this code when he's out at the bar.
And just like at the bar, Bauer refuses to break the seal. The sealed-off room houses a selected group of main characters who pass the time making bets on who will last the longest with the gas.
Which finally brings us back to Edgar, shuffling into the middle of the CTU and shedding one big fat tear. I'll throw another slice of greasy pizza on the ground for him. It's what he would have wanted. That and maybe a quick boob-shot from Chloe. That way he would have died seeing a boob other than his own.
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