Land of the Dead

7 p.m. to 8 p.m.
3.13.06

The rooms have been sealed off and there are dead bodies scattered all over CTU. And just as Scowl-face was crying for the lump that used to be the lovable Edgar, a loud booming voice came over the intercom.

Attention. The facility has been contaminated. Please enter one of the three sealed off rooms. I would also like to point out that your co-workers are all drooling over my floor. Please clear that off at the appropriate time.

And I thought computers didn't have a sense of humor. Though the warning was about five minutes too late, it's nice to know Hal Jr. was thinking about us.

The gas masks are in the armory? Why? When Edgar was alive (sniff) he probably cut some nasty farts and I'm sure people had gas masks hidden everywhere for their own protection.

Poor Chloe. Not only is her best fat friend dead, but she has to endure Bauer yelling at her to get to work. Bauer's spent so much time in the field, he's a bit out of touch with office politics and how to handle a grief-shaken employee. Then again, Bauer's way is a lot more fun…

What she did respond to, at least a little bit, was the hippie magic from Rat Boy, a peace-loving clinical psychologist whose specialty is telling people to "just breathe."

Goonie is confessing his sins in the time-out lounge to Insensitive Security Guard (ISG) about losing his keycard and being embarrassed that he got beat up. He's a Goonie. He should be used to getting beat up all the time. If he wants to be ashamed about something, how about convincing the world that Rudy was a lovable guy instead of the insufferable prick he really is?

Why is Tony always in pain? He's either shot, limping, or drunk at CTU. He's never been at 100 percent, which is probably what keeps him focused. He's also responsible for bringing us another Princess Bride moment after he held a gun to Anti-Bauer's head.

"My name is Tony. You killed my wife. Prepare to die."

But like an evil conscience, Bauer was watching Tony from a camera and convinced him to leave Anti-Bauer alone, at least until the Truth Juice had done its business. Truth Juice is a lot like prune juice. Whatever bad, smelly secret you have inside of you, it'll come out soon enough, whether you want it to or not.

It isn't fair for Jack to tell Tony revenge and blind rage isn't fun. He has been in the same situation and acted how he wanted to do. Minutes before this "Settle down" moment with Tony, Jack was taking Rat Boy up against the wall.

Jack doesn't understand science and therefore doesn't trust it. That and he hates goatees.

More evidence that Tom Cruise was right about psychology: Jack wanting to kill Rat Boy convinces Chloe to get back to work, not wussy "breathing."

More evidence that Bauer is infallible: no one tries to stop him from killing Rat Boy. It even took Hellchild a couple of seconds to break it up.

Back in the nut house, the VP Evil Twin is close to living every politician's dream by declaring war on the city of LA. The reasoning? CTU was the first line of defense and now that they're gone, we're all screwed. That's crazy talk. They still have the Clippers and with enough lines of coke, those guys will do anything (like win games).

And while everyone has told Logan that Marshall Law will create mayhem, no one's telling him the positive aspects of having a constant military presence on the streets.

-the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" rule will finally have a presence in LA
-get to see what it's like to be a dictator for a couple of hours
-you can legally change your name to "Marshall Law" (this is encouraged)
-no more bums on the street (Unless they sing. Then they can live. But they're still not getting my quarter)

They have to act quickly because Warlock is already gearing up for his next target where he plans to blow his entire nerve gas load. And speaking of blowing a load, who's the whore? Why do terrorists always bring a whore into the plan? There are two things that don't mix with terrorism and they are whores and gorillas, mainly because they will eventually play by their own rules.

CTU (Crazy Tactics Universe) has just discovered that the nerve gas has been given teeth and is eating away at the walls (the gas is alive? and it's hungry?), making the sealed off rooms like those yellow circles Pac-Man would eat to get stoned.

Scowl-face thinks she can get the air condition to suck out all the bad. But for that to happen Jack has to find a computer in a sealed off room…while holding his breath.

Sheryl Crow: Jack, you can't hold your breath for that long
Bauer: I did when you tried to talk to me with your morning breath
Sheryl Crow (looks at everyone, looks down):…it's true. I have ass breath

(I admit it. I held my breath with Jack and ran around the kitchen looking for food. I made it to a minute before I stepped on some Dorritos, forcing me to yell "Oh shit!" and kicking the trash can in disgust.)

But don't worry. Jack has his hood on, which helps in the breath-holding process. It also makes you look really badass so the gas doesn't even want to touch you. Unfortunately, the computer Jack needs is sealed off itself, due to pipes in the wall (allowing Jack to show off that he can hold his breath and grunt disapprovingly at the same time).

Now someone has to die and since it was the Goonie's fault for getting beat up, he's sent into the land of death to quit out of the computer. He and the ISG ("You're lying Bauer! Why don't you die! It's Lynn's fault for being a bitch! I hate my red shirt!") have to make the ultimate sacrifice and die a quick, painful death that will leave their gross drool all over the floor.

Random hope: If the gas is "alive" and eating walls, does that mean the people will turn into zombies? I just want to see zombies roaming around LA, like on the E! channel.

For those that don't know, an ultimate sacrifice is what your bowels endure when you eat two ultimate burrito supremes from the taco stand on the side of the road. You know it's wrong, but it's soooo worth it.

And thanks to Lynn and ISG ("Hey, I'm ok! The gas is gone! I'm…gggguuuuuulllrripi"), the 60 percent of CTU that lived through the crisis can breathe easy now, though they will be haunted by Lynn's unnerving death pose on the camera that made his ass look strangely huge.

How Chloe plans to relax after the day is over: She'll find information on you, share it with Jack, and then laugh maniacally into the night.

After the two-hour reunion, Hellchild is finally leaving and gave no indication to Jack that she was going to be in his life.

"I don't want to be around you. When I'm around, people die. I truly am the Hellchild."

All Jack wants is a day with his daughter, which may lead to a spin-off of 24 for the Lifetime channel where Jack and Kim spend 24 hours together fighting, laughing, talking about their feelings, and watching the Notebook numerous times.

With Homeland Security minutes away from taking over the now defunct CTU, there's still time for some mayhem in the land of death, and it came in the form of Tony about to stick Anti-Bauer with a shot through the heart.

Only he didn't. Anti-Bauer woke up and stabbed Tony with his needle of death, leaving him whimpering on the floor and eventually letting go because the love of his life was gone.

Thanks 24. You killed two of my favorite characters in the span of two weeks. I'm going out to a parking lot to look for a Goonie so I can beat the living shit out of him.