Harassing is Sexy and Fun

9 p.m. to 10 p.m.
3.27.06

The day had finally come. I waited an entire week, anxious to see Jack torture his ex-girlfriend by yelling and throwing her up against the wall. Aside from the violent behavior, he was acting out every American male's fantasy: yelling.

But as always, yelling, though fun, can lead to secrets being exposed. And most of the time those secrets are dirty and gross. In Sheryl Crow's case, the evidence that forced Homeland Security (the chic who is Glenn Close sans all the talent and sex appeal) to torture her in the interrogation room (the Jack Bauer playpen) was the fact that she and Walt Cummings (the dirty mole) were…intimate.

Excuse me while I vomit over everything.

It happened only once and it was in a Hotel Notel in Pikesville, Maryland, the hotspot for politicos to bump uglies under the $5 sheets. Now we know why the dirty mole wanted Jack dead last season. He wanted to bang his girlfriend.

Worse than that is admitting this to Bauer in his playpen, mainly because when in the playpen, Bauer isn't Bauer anymore. He's Mad Bauer and he won't be satisfied until you're crying or you have a bullet in your leg.

Mad Bauer: Did you sleep with him??
Scared Crow: YES!
Mad Bauer: But he's UGLY!!!
Scared Crow: It only happened once! I couldn't do it because he wasn't you!
Mad Bauer (points a finger at her): Unclean! Uncleeeaaaann!!!

Homeland Security has much to worry about because if she was wrong, she'll have to deal with Secretary of Rage Heller (Sheryl Crow's dad) and, like Edgar was before him (rest in peace big E), he's hungry and he'll eat anything alive that screws with his daughter.

Jack believes the Scared Crow, but Homeland doesn't and now she wants to bring in Burke, a man who pokes people for pleasure. Wait, all guys do that. Burke uses a needle and is set to torture Scared Crow with it and more loud words. Jack believes his girl and rushes to find evidence that the whore was lying.

And, surprise surprise, the whore was lying (they always lie. Ask my ex-girlfriend). Anti-Bauer (oh yea, he's still alive) called her in the past couple of months and that was enough to send Jack screaming down the hall and punching security guards yelling about immunity agreements.

But immunity doesn't save you from sexual harassment and with a pistol seductively waved around her face (get it? It's supposed to be a penis) the whore gives in to Bauer. She admits that Anti-Bauer told her to say "Audrey Raines" if she was ever caught, much like white teenage girls in the OC are coached by their mothers to say "It was the black guy" if they are ever caught by police. They are also taught to say "Not in the ass" if Charlie Sheen hits on them.

Scared Crow is free and is embraced by Jack who she kisses (though no tongue. You can't makeout in the Bauer playpen. That would be wrong).

Scared Crow: "The only thing that got me through this was that I knew you were coming…"

Incidentally that's what she used to say to Jack after they had sex in a Motel Notel…maybe we've found another whore on 24.

There was a new addition to the 24 family tonight and her name is Sherri. At first, I thought it was silly to introduce a character with the same name of the evil demon from the past. Then I thought that maybe the Sherri's of the world drew up a petition and wanted their name to be associated with someone hot and useful.

Then I found out that Sherri is the 24 equivalent of South Park's "Sexual Harassment Panda" and now I want her to die.

Sherri has been touched before, by Homeland Security #2 (the creep) and she couldn't prove sexual harassment because, like Bigfoot, no one is really sure if it even exists. What she did prove was that sexual harassment can foster female solidarity in the workplace, since she now has Scowl Face on her side.

Sexual Harassment Sherri: "Did you see how he touched my shoulder with his fingernail and then scratched his ear? That means he wants to do it in the supply closet. He should not have done that."
Scowl Face: "I like it when boys touch me. I don't like it when they touch my computer."

Random Plot:

Wayne "The Pain" Palmer is running around in the woods with a loaded assault rifle. He's trying to reach Aaron, the redheaded secret-service guy. Aaron becomes worried that The Pain hasn't showed up yet and goes out into the woods to search for his friend.

Aaron finds The Pain in the woods who then informs him that other people are trying to kill him. (C'mon, every black guy in the woods says that). They team up and head into the woods only to be shot at, which allows them to steal a car and drive off.

This partnership is the beginning of version 2.0 of the A-Team. The team will be completed once an Iraqi soldier and a woman in a wheelchair join them. When there is no one else, these guys just show up shooting.

With all the sexual harassment going on at CTU (with glances, torture, penis/gun in face), Warlock was able to infiltrate a gas company and shoot anyone who had the gall to utter "Hey! We don't take kindly to…"

Warlock is planning to deliver the death gas with natural gas, which is another jab at the hippies. You don't want to be addicted to oil and would rather use gas? Then you die. Maybe that's what all this is about. Killing hippies with gas. It's almost something I can get behind. Almost.

(Hey "The Sentinel" is coming out. Does Kiefer even act anymore? I miss the days when he would play rednecks and cowboys almost exclusively)

Because Sherri took a chemistry class in college ("Someone harassed me there too!"), she tells Old Man Buchanan and Scowl Face that the PSI has to be lowered or the gas will just be inert and just mill about the pipes. (this is also true with the gas inside of you. Let it flow out brothers and sisters or your organs will explode).
They find the right gas company and dispatch Jack, Meathead (if they don't give Curtis a personality, I will), and two random guys.

Warlock is just about to release the Death Gas when Jack and his team find the main control room. A shoot-out occurs (random CTU dies. I mourn for a second then laugh at his corpse) and Warlock escapes. But the gas is already seeping through the plant and will soon be in the pipes that will go out to 200,000 people/hippies in LA.

But with some handy C4, Jack blows up the main tank, completely disallowing the gas go through the pipe (and just like when gas isn't allowed to flow in the body, shit starts blowing up).

Meathead gets everyone clear of the area as Jack attempts (and succeeds) to outrun fire. As he does so, he sees Warlock run away and since Jack can't turn off the crazy inside of him, he gets up and chases him back into the plant that is blowing up.

Warlock sees him and before he shoots is knocked to the ground via an explosion. Jack gets him, but Warlock sexually harasses Jack by grabbing his neck and making him (and the audience) very uncomfortable. Jack head buts him (no one stares deep into my eyes!) and drags Warlock into a police car, just as the fire is spreading all around them.

Did Jack die? Not fucking likely.

How Jack won't be dead:

-uses the ejector seats in the cop car to fly to safety

-takes a handful of Ice Breakers Cool Mint Gum and creates an "ice wall" by blowing into the air

-sexual harasses the fire with a cold, hard stare that sends it whimpering off into the woods, most likely to start a brush fire

-Jack Bauer was made from fire and therefore can not be killed by it