Geek War and Jackie Two Times

24 Season 7 Episode 9
4 p.m. to 5 p.m.

She's ready for geek war.

It's coming. The great geek hacker war of 2009 between two socially inept women who cling to their terabyte hard drives the same way real housewives of New York cling to their Botox appointments has begun.

Hold on to your USB drives because it's gonna get CAPTCHA-azy in here son.

Chloe has been reinstated to raise suspicions, make quick accusations about people she just met and to end arguments with comments like "No, you're a little bitch" whenever possible. Why? Because that's the FBI way.

Scowlface is officially back working for the government, giving her the coveted federal 401K plan and health insurance. She needs both since it appears her son "Prescott" has special needs as evidenced by the "magarowah!" response he gave when he was told mom was leaving for work.

The health plan will also come in handy for Morris "You know where to find me" O'Brian. Of course we know where to find you. You'll be under the table. Crying. And sniffing women's shoes.

The reinstatement comes at the hands of Old Man Buchanan who, despite an economy that mirrors your mom (it's constantly going down), has found a way to get a job during a recession (Oh, 24 isn't set in 2009? Then they should stop driving the Hyundai Genesis and make with the flying cars of 2019).

Buchanan, with his mussed up hairdo (which has to be really annoying for the actor to essentially be in "bum mode" for nine months) has convinced the White House of an internal conspiracy, thus gaining the president's trust.

Once this is accomplished, it is then time to beg.

"I have experience. And a car."

Just like in high school, this line works with all the easy girls. Every once in a while it snags a dirty Catholic girl too.

The car is needed since Madam President is skipping the invade-a-new-country party to visit her half-dead husband Henry who, we thankfully found out, won't be out of surgery for the next five hours (breathe in the lame-subplot-free air for five weeks people).

Shit. I spoke to soon. The president has a daughter. An angry one who will "do anything to get the job done."

The upside? We get our favorite red-headed stranger, Aaron Pierce, back in play...because he's the only person Buchanan can trust. I trust Aaron too. If he told me shit would turn into gold, I'd be buying stock in Lehman Brothers tomorrow.

It's also good for the nation that the First Paranoid Gentlemen is out of commission, since he was the only collatoral Dubaku had. Now that he's gone, Dubaku's immigrant American Dream has reached the critical stage four: Flee the Country.

He's lived well here and managed to balance out global terrorism and Mancala night with his waitress girlfriend who is apparently part of his exit strategy to Belize. And who doesn't want to live in Belize?

Dubaku loves America and hates it at the same time. He's so complicated. No wonder chicks dig him.

(By the way, exit strategies are important and should be in place for every possible situaiton. I have one for when I show up to work without pants. Your nightmares = My reality).

Dubaku now has to alter his life plans from the American Dream to the Belizian Dream, which is essentially the same, except that in Belize the wheelchair-bound sister is sold to the circus for half a year's rent.

Which brings me to Rosa. Man I hate you. And not because you're annoying or meddling. It's because you were right. Now every crazy person is going to call INS whenever their sister dates someone strange instead of handling it in a civil manner and slashing the dude's tires. You weakened a country today Rosa. Sleep tight.

Rosa is against love the same way Lame Larry is against fun. If he's not setting up the network security of the FBI in an assbackawards way, he's stating obvious facts like "Bauer rationalizes every illegal act he's ever done." Dude, everyone does that. It's called surviving.

I'm beginning to think Larry is the true enemy of the show, since his lameness can spread across phone lines, causing Hot Walker to have a Soap-Opera moment in the mirror.

"I'm still me Larry. I'm looking at myself in the mirror and wiping the blood off my face in an obvious attempt to show I'm still human."

Bauer recognized the lameness and yelled at Hot Walker to run with him to the car so they can drive to a possible Dubaku safe house. Did I mention Hot Walker was running? With her coat open? Bauer's a mad genius.

Bauer's power of yelling also came into play with Dubaku's girlfriend after he showed her a picture of her boyfriend.

Waitress Girlfriend: "I don't know who that is."
Bauer: "You're lying. WHY ARE YOU LYING??"

Why is he screaming? Cause liars only hear every second thing that comes out of your mouth, which is why the best liars almost always have the moniker "two times" after their first name.

After Waitress Girlfriend sees Hot Walker's collection of genocide photos, she's convinced she wants to help take Dubaku down by meeting him so Bauer and Hot Walker can follow.

Walker is concerned about the safety of Waitress Girlfriend. Bauer thinks the idea is awesome and yells "THIS IS AWESOME!" twice so the Waitress can hear him. Hot Walker doesn't think so and almost mucks stuff up with things like "feelings" and "conscience."

However, she's also clearly drawn to the Bauer's brand of random fun. She's like a horny librarian torn between the How-To manuals of Larry and the secret stash of pulp fiction that is the Bauer.

"Life gets ugly" is the Bauer's conforting advice, which comes true in a matter of minutes when the two are surrounded by DC police, which forces Jack to the ground as he screams "LARRY DO SOMETHING" futily into the air. Hot Walker probably yelled the very same thing when she and Lame Larry first tried to get it on.

The cops showed up because Sean is the mole. Yup. That guy. The guy who screws around with co-workers and makes sensitive, personal and illegal calls from his cell phone. At his desk. In the middle of the day.

Don't terrorist organizations have a vetting process? Or did they have the ideal candidate, but had to let him go because of a failure to pay his taxes?

Either way, this almost ensures a Geek Alliance between the Scowlface and Janice. But only after the virtual pudding wrestling match takes place in Second Life. Because online, there can be only one.