Torturing a guy's family will get you all the information you need

24 Season 7 episode 8
2.9.09
3 p.m. to 4 p.m.

I will not back down until I get a hug.

In an effort to run counter to Hallmark's quest to stimulate the economy with a holiday dedicated to shaming couples into caring for each other, 24 brought an episode full of such good-time fun as knife fights, placing an infant in danger, and death.

It was all so Bauer could utter well-timed catchphrases of rage.

Lame Larry: "Rules are what make us better Jack."
Bauer (after a cold stare): "Not today."

I can just imagine the editorial high-fives after they wrote that one, with the bald guy crying tears of joy that he could finally contribute a Bronson-esque line in his lifetime.

He probably felt he needed snappy lines to make up for the 7 or so minute recap we all had to endure in the Oval office thanks to Madam President yelling "What the HELL is going on here?"

I'll tell you what's going on. Your conspiracy-loving husband got himself kidnapped and is now the bargaining chip between the Sangala invasion and your "Eat my shit" stance on terrorism.

"You wouldn't dare!"

And that's your response after being told by the crazy, genocide-loving terrorist he would gladly kill your husband if his demands were not met? That's like telling a hyperactive kid not to punch the butter sculpture at the State Fair. At some point, the kid simply has no control over his fury that the butter has been sculpted into a cow (why? WHY?).

Such is the case with Dubaku, who quickly orders his men to cut off the First Gentleman's pinky, which promptly convinces the Prez the man is serious (because the two crashed airplanes didn't do that). She has an hour to withdraw her troops or her husband will be dead. Now she remembers the planes and says her husband will have to be an acceptable sacrifice. Happy Valentine's Day.

And this was right after Bauer's "outrageous accusations" about deep political conspiracies and who he thinks is gay in the White House.

"It's HIM! I can see it in his EYES! HIS EYES!"

But thanks to Dubaku's crazy call, it confirms the doings of CTU startup, which allows the Dead Like Me (either in life or career) faction of the group to take on a clandestine mission to save the President's husband.

This leaves Old Man Buchanan behind, just in case the President becomes single in the next hour. That's his game.

Team Bauer huddles up and decides to call up Lame Larry Moss for assistance, which is made even more annoying because it brings us back to the inner workings of the FBI, a place where agents think hallways are safe places to have covert conversations and use phrases like "He'll send you back so fast your head will spin."

Did you hear the collective groan after Garafallo was forced to say that? That sound came from America who's already irritated since no one is stimulating her package (I feel your pain baby).

And since 24 is required to have at least one lame plotline (Kim with cougars, Teri Bauer's amnesia, Chase's kid, Johnny Drama's bunker, etc...), we are forced to witness the excruciating office romance between Sean and the blond, and how he has to end it. What's the over-under that she goes bat-shit crazy and calls his wife.

Larry demands to meet Team Bauer in person, just so he can cry in front of Walker to show he's the polar opposite of Bauer. Just in case she didn't know. It ends when Bauer convinces Walker to fake terrorize a Secret Service Agent's family so he can play chicken on One Way DC streets.

Fake family torture is a form of counter-terrorism Grab Ass, which is when you surprise your enemy when they are most vulnerable. Everyone expects to get punched or shot. No one expects their ass to be violated.

As Walker pretends to have what it takes to kill an innocent family, Bauer finds the dirty SS agent, who he eventually convinces that his family is in danger (they kinda are since Walker is a loose cannon with guns and has no parenting skills whatsoever).

Walker's creepiness comes in handy when she approached the kid, which caused the boy to scream louder, convincing dad to give up the information Bauer wanted.

Then its knifefight time, thanks to a secret ankle holster. I have one of those too, but I only have Twix in there and it's only for the times I can't find the bag of honey-roasted peanuts in my pocket.

The SS agent inevitably dies (knives are notoriously afraid of sticking Jack), leaving Walker to feel her human emotions, which are things Bauer killed with a bottle of whiskey years ago.

Interestingly enough, Dubaku also has emotions, though his are dirty and reserved for the diner waitress who has horrible luck with men and sisters. This year's meddling relative comes in the form of an angry, illness-stricken and wheelchair-bound sister who has the US Bureau of Immigration on speedial.

Revelation of the night: A part of Dubaku has a heart and that part of him is called Samuel, who probably sells bibles and magazine subscriptions on the weekend.

At first I was impressed Dubaku could handle global terrorism and a relationship at once (though both require the same level of patience, an exit strategy and creative work-arounds to be successful, so it's not that much of a stretch). Though, now it seems he's on his way to play genocide with his girlfriend's immediate family.

Lucky for Dubaku, his girlfriend's sister gets him out of his hiding place in the basement of a convenience store (they have beer and underground layers. Must be the best store in town), which is where Man Taylor is being held captive.

The White House has bought some time by sending a Matobo stand-in (and a bad one at that) to the meeting place designated by Dubaku. This lasts for about a minute, which is quickly ended with an RPG destroys the government car.

President Taylor is surprised. She shouldn't be. Terrorists have weapons too.

Jack and Walker find the convenient store and infiltrate the basement. Jack motions to Walker with a pedestrian set of hand signals, probably because FBI agents understand only shouting.

There four of them. Over there. This is down with four fingers and a point over the shoulder.

You walk down and hide in the shadows and wait to shoot people until I am ready to shoot people. I don't remember how this was done, but I am certain the "walk down" part was made by Jack mimicking two legs walkway away with his two fingers.

Walker, who apparently sucks at understanding things, decides to just hang off the wooden stairs. This works until someone shoots at her, which leads Team Bauer to unload bullets of rage all over the room.

What they didn't count on was the Sangalain skill of running away on one good leg and shooting someone. It's pretty impressive when done right and may be in the next Olympics.

This leaves man Taylor on his back with a bullet in his lower chest and an I-don't-care -if-he's-alive-or-dead cliffhanger for next week.