Dead Like Bauer

24 Season 7, Episode 10
5 p.m. to 6 p.m.

Bauer is behind the tree, waiting to watch you cry.

Jack Bauer is dead inside. He doesn't cry and if you want him to save someone from fire, you better be ready to shoot him in the nuts or pinch his nipples because the only language he understands is pain.

So when Emo Walker (once she starts self-medicating with NyQuil and cutting, the transformation will be complete) is confronted with a hysterical wheelchair-bound woman screeching "You KILLED MY SISTER!" Bauer's only reaction is to relay the "good" news of the day.

"Do you feel that?! How about that? And thhaa..."

Bauer doesn't have feelings nor does he understand the music genre called "emo." He won't even throw change on the ground the next time he sees wheelchair-bound Rosa panhandling on the street with a cardboard sign that reads "The government killed my sister!"

Instead, Jack will just grab the sign, take his mini-Sharpie out, write "Live with it" and then set the sign on fire.

The second you let emotions in, they make you stupid and horny, which incidentally are the nicknames for Team Mole in the FBI where Sean, who is part of the vast conspiracy, attempted to aid Dubaku's efforts by recruiting the dumbest and most unstable employee to literally be his partner in crime.

"I'm sick of your promises! Everything will be ok, you're gonna leave your wife, I'll get to wear your special Dubaku decoder ring!"

There's only one reason to jump into bed with the crazy girl. It's shame. Interestingly enough, that's also what makes the sex so spectacular.

Somehow Erica's unstable mind has found a way to understand servers, which proves the FBI hiring practices are the same as they were at CTU (if you can walk aimlessly down halls, you can work for the government).

She is here to help Sean wipe out a memory device found IN Dubaku, which in turn was a plotline found IN season 2. Apparently during the writer's strike, the 24 scribes passed the time watching past seasons for ideas.

This device was Dubaku's insurance policy and contained a list of all the government officials he worked with. And it was inside of him, under his ribcage and next to the undigested McRib from 1993.

To get it, Bauer crashed the generic Washington DC festival (which was celebrating red banners) and drove like a senior citizen as he barreled through a park, aiming his vehicle at picnickers and rabid squirrels, things my Grandfather used to call "Park Terrorists" because squirrels stole his nuts and people who brought their food in a basket thought they were better than everyone else ("With their goddamn fancy cheese" he would say).

After ripping out Dubaku's insurance policy, along with the spare change and gum next to his liver, Bauer hands over the bloody device to a guy with a helicopter and orders him to bring it to the FBI. He also gives him a takeout order for Del Taco, the only place in the world a person can get Taco and Fries.

Bauer would rather yell at Dubaku when he wakes up at the hospital (it's hard to yell at technology, at least for information). Till then, Dubaku will be tortured with our health care system through a combination of Superman Band-Aids and medical instruments made out of discolored Legos. It's not that the doctors are dumb, it's just that all the devices come from Sangala.

However, if you're the First Gentlemen, who has a penchant for unfounded conspiracies and Suduku puzzles, you're given the best care in the country, which comes with a personal national guard and slightly more hope from the medical staff (they come in with candy instead of solemn expressions).

MPAT, who has been in the waiting room allowing the guilt to crush her slowly, blames herself for not believing her husband. Ethan, the Sancho to MPAT's Don Quixote, blames himself too.

"I should have known too. We're porn pals."

The president is called back to the White House to deal with the ongoing conspiracy, talk to her estranged daughter and to finally go to the bathroom. It's here where Old Man Buchanan informs her that Dubaku has been captured and that his list of government officials has been procured.

How? Internet magic from Chloe. I'd explain it, but I would need a bag of fireworks and a stuffed dinosaur to do it properly.

Basically, Erica the whore handles the technical stuff the same way she handles the bedroom stuff: quick to anger, bouts of confusion, talking too much and finally falling into a slump on the floor. Only this time she's dead.

Though the device is wiped out, Chloe used the aforementioned "Internet magic" to download Dubaku's storage device that set off shoplifting alarms whenever he walked into a retail store (except Wal-Mart, which has those things by the door for show. If they do see you steal, they unleash the geriatric greeters to hunt you down on their mopeds. And they can go on for days since they have nothing else better to do).

The crisis has been averted, all thanks to the great JB, who we're reminded is still set to be violently peed on by Senator Mayer for his counter-terrorism crimes. Red, the dad from That 70s Show, has been drinking bottles of truth about the now-defunct CTU and his bladder is ready to rage on Bauer's head with a maniacal laugh.

We've also been set up for round 2 of this season, which appears to involve Red's chief of staff and a secret source from Tony, who has spent the last couple of hours torturing a man for information by talking in short, indiscernible sentences about his life and chewing loud.

It also offers Bauer more instances to prove just how useful a person devoid of any emotion can be, a sort of patriotic zombie who feasts on the carcasses and shits CIP devices for breakfast.

Geek War and Jackie Two Times

24 Season 7 Episode 9
4 p.m. to 5 p.m.

She's ready for geek war.

It's coming. The great geek hacker war of 2009 between two socially inept women who cling to their terabyte hard drives the same way real housewives of New York cling to their Botox appointments has begun.

Hold on to your USB drives because it's gonna get CAPTCHA-azy in here son.

Chloe has been reinstated to raise suspicions, make quick accusations about people she just met and to end arguments with comments like "No, you're a little bitch" whenever possible. Why? Because that's the FBI way.

Scowlface is officially back working for the government, giving her the coveted federal 401K plan and health insurance. She needs both since it appears her son "Prescott" has special needs as evidenced by the "magarowah!" response he gave when he was told mom was leaving for work.

The health plan will also come in handy for Morris "You know where to find me" O'Brian. Of course we know where to find you. You'll be under the table. Crying. And sniffing women's shoes.

The reinstatement comes at the hands of Old Man Buchanan who, despite an economy that mirrors your mom (it's constantly going down), has found a way to get a job during a recession (Oh, 24 isn't set in 2009? Then they should stop driving the Hyundai Genesis and make with the flying cars of 2019).

Buchanan, with his mussed up hairdo (which has to be really annoying for the actor to essentially be in "bum mode" for nine months) has convinced the White House of an internal conspiracy, thus gaining the president's trust.

Once this is accomplished, it is then time to beg.

"I have experience. And a car."

Just like in high school, this line works with all the easy girls. Every once in a while it snags a dirty Catholic girl too.

The car is needed since Madam President is skipping the invade-a-new-country party to visit her half-dead husband Henry who, we thankfully found out, won't be out of surgery for the next five hours (breathe in the lame-subplot-free air for five weeks people).

Shit. I spoke to soon. The president has a daughter. An angry one who will "do anything to get the job done."

The upside? We get our favorite red-headed stranger, Aaron Pierce, back in play...because he's the only person Buchanan can trust. I trust Aaron too. If he told me shit would turn into gold, I'd be buying stock in Lehman Brothers tomorrow.

It's also good for the nation that the First Paranoid Gentlemen is out of commission, since he was the only collatoral Dubaku had. Now that he's gone, Dubaku's immigrant American Dream has reached the critical stage four: Flee the Country.

He's lived well here and managed to balance out global terrorism and Mancala night with his waitress girlfriend who is apparently part of his exit strategy to Belize. And who doesn't want to live in Belize?

Dubaku loves America and hates it at the same time. He's so complicated. No wonder chicks dig him.

(By the way, exit strategies are important and should be in place for every possible situaiton. I have one for when I show up to work without pants. Your nightmares = My reality).

Dubaku now has to alter his life plans from the American Dream to the Belizian Dream, which is essentially the same, except that in Belize the wheelchair-bound sister is sold to the circus for half a year's rent.

Which brings me to Rosa. Man I hate you. And not because you're annoying or meddling. It's because you were right. Now every crazy person is going to call INS whenever their sister dates someone strange instead of handling it in a civil manner and slashing the dude's tires. You weakened a country today Rosa. Sleep tight.

Rosa is against love the same way Lame Larry is against fun. If he's not setting up the network security of the FBI in an assbackawards way, he's stating obvious facts like "Bauer rationalizes every illegal act he's ever done." Dude, everyone does that. It's called surviving.

I'm beginning to think Larry is the true enemy of the show, since his lameness can spread across phone lines, causing Hot Walker to have a Soap-Opera moment in the mirror.

"I'm still me Larry. I'm looking at myself in the mirror and wiping the blood off my face in an obvious attempt to show I'm still human."

Bauer recognized the lameness and yelled at Hot Walker to run with him to the car so they can drive to a possible Dubaku safe house. Did I mention Hot Walker was running? With her coat open? Bauer's a mad genius.

Bauer's power of yelling also came into play with Dubaku's girlfriend after he showed her a picture of her boyfriend.

Waitress Girlfriend: "I don't know who that is."
Bauer: "You're lying. WHY ARE YOU LYING??"

Why is he screaming? Cause liars only hear every second thing that comes out of your mouth, which is why the best liars almost always have the moniker "two times" after their first name.

After Waitress Girlfriend sees Hot Walker's collection of genocide photos, she's convinced she wants to help take Dubaku down by meeting him so Bauer and Hot Walker can follow.

Walker is concerned about the safety of Waitress Girlfriend. Bauer thinks the idea is awesome and yells "THIS IS AWESOME!" twice so the Waitress can hear him. Hot Walker doesn't think so and almost mucks stuff up with things like "feelings" and "conscience."

However, she's also clearly drawn to the Bauer's brand of random fun. She's like a horny librarian torn between the How-To manuals of Larry and the secret stash of pulp fiction that is the Bauer.

"Life gets ugly" is the Bauer's conforting advice, which comes true in a matter of minutes when the two are surrounded by DC police, which forces Jack to the ground as he screams "LARRY DO SOMETHING" futily into the air. Hot Walker probably yelled the very same thing when she and Lame Larry first tried to get it on.

The cops showed up because Sean is the mole. Yup. That guy. The guy who screws around with co-workers and makes sensitive, personal and illegal calls from his cell phone. At his desk. In the middle of the day.

Don't terrorist organizations have a vetting process? Or did they have the ideal candidate, but had to let him go because of a failure to pay his taxes?

Either way, this almost ensures a Geek Alliance between the Scowlface and Janice. But only after the virtual pudding wrestling match takes place in Second Life. Because online, there can be only one.

Torturing a guy's family will get you all the information you need

24 Season 7 episode 8
2.9.09
3 p.m. to 4 p.m.

I will not back down until I get a hug.

In an effort to run counter to Hallmark's quest to stimulate the economy with a holiday dedicated to shaming couples into caring for each other, 24 brought an episode full of such good-time fun as knife fights, placing an infant in danger, and death.

It was all so Bauer could utter well-timed catchphrases of rage.

Lame Larry: "Rules are what make us better Jack."
Bauer (after a cold stare): "Not today."

I can just imagine the editorial high-fives after they wrote that one, with the bald guy crying tears of joy that he could finally contribute a Bronson-esque line in his lifetime.

He probably felt he needed snappy lines to make up for the 7 or so minute recap we all had to endure in the Oval office thanks to Madam President yelling "What the HELL is going on here?"

I'll tell you what's going on. Your conspiracy-loving husband got himself kidnapped and is now the bargaining chip between the Sangala invasion and your "Eat my shit" stance on terrorism.

"You wouldn't dare!"

And that's your response after being told by the crazy, genocide-loving terrorist he would gladly kill your husband if his demands were not met? That's like telling a hyperactive kid not to punch the butter sculpture at the State Fair. At some point, the kid simply has no control over his fury that the butter has been sculpted into a cow (why? WHY?).

Such is the case with Dubaku, who quickly orders his men to cut off the First Gentleman's pinky, which promptly convinces the Prez the man is serious (because the two crashed airplanes didn't do that). She has an hour to withdraw her troops or her husband will be dead. Now she remembers the planes and says her husband will have to be an acceptable sacrifice. Happy Valentine's Day.

And this was right after Bauer's "outrageous accusations" about deep political conspiracies and who he thinks is gay in the White House.

"It's HIM! I can see it in his EYES! HIS EYES!"

But thanks to Dubaku's crazy call, it confirms the doings of CTU startup, which allows the Dead Like Me (either in life or career) faction of the group to take on a clandestine mission to save the President's husband.

This leaves Old Man Buchanan behind, just in case the President becomes single in the next hour. That's his game.

Team Bauer huddles up and decides to call up Lame Larry Moss for assistance, which is made even more annoying because it brings us back to the inner workings of the FBI, a place where agents think hallways are safe places to have covert conversations and use phrases like "He'll send you back so fast your head will spin."

Did you hear the collective groan after Garafallo was forced to say that? That sound came from America who's already irritated since no one is stimulating her package (I feel your pain baby).

And since 24 is required to have at least one lame plotline (Kim with cougars, Teri Bauer's amnesia, Chase's kid, Johnny Drama's bunker, etc...), we are forced to witness the excruciating office romance between Sean and the blond, and how he has to end it. What's the over-under that she goes bat-shit crazy and calls his wife.

Larry demands to meet Team Bauer in person, just so he can cry in front of Walker to show he's the polar opposite of Bauer. Just in case she didn't know. It ends when Bauer convinces Walker to fake terrorize a Secret Service Agent's family so he can play chicken on One Way DC streets.

Fake family torture is a form of counter-terrorism Grab Ass, which is when you surprise your enemy when they are most vulnerable. Everyone expects to get punched or shot. No one expects their ass to be violated.

As Walker pretends to have what it takes to kill an innocent family, Bauer finds the dirty SS agent, who he eventually convinces that his family is in danger (they kinda are since Walker is a loose cannon with guns and has no parenting skills whatsoever).

Walker's creepiness comes in handy when she approached the kid, which caused the boy to scream louder, convincing dad to give up the information Bauer wanted.

Then its knifefight time, thanks to a secret ankle holster. I have one of those too, but I only have Twix in there and it's only for the times I can't find the bag of honey-roasted peanuts in my pocket.

The SS agent inevitably dies (knives are notoriously afraid of sticking Jack), leaving Walker to feel her human emotions, which are things Bauer killed with a bottle of whiskey years ago.

Interestingly enough, Dubaku also has emotions, though his are dirty and reserved for the diner waitress who has horrible luck with men and sisters. This year's meddling relative comes in the form of an angry, illness-stricken and wheelchair-bound sister who has the US Bureau of Immigration on speedial.

Revelation of the night: A part of Dubaku has a heart and that part of him is called Samuel, who probably sells bibles and magazine subscriptions on the weekend.

At first I was impressed Dubaku could handle global terrorism and a relationship at once (though both require the same level of patience, an exit strategy and creative work-arounds to be successful, so it's not that much of a stretch). Though, now it seems he's on his way to play genocide with his girlfriend's immediate family.

Lucky for Dubaku, his girlfriend's sister gets him out of his hiding place in the basement of a convenience store (they have beer and underground layers. Must be the best store in town), which is where Man Taylor is being held captive.

The White House has bought some time by sending a Matobo stand-in (and a bad one at that) to the meeting place designated by Dubaku. This lasts for about a minute, which is quickly ended with an RPG destroys the government car.

President Taylor is surprised. She shouldn't be. Terrorists have weapons too.

Jack and Walker find the convenient store and infiltrate the basement. Jack motions to Walker with a pedestrian set of hand signals, probably because FBI agents understand only shouting.

There four of them. Over there. This is down with four fingers and a point over the shoulder.

You walk down and hide in the shadows and wait to shoot people until I am ready to shoot people. I don't remember how this was done, but I am certain the "walk down" part was made by Jack mimicking two legs walkway away with his two fingers.

Walker, who apparently sucks at understanding things, decides to just hang off the wooden stairs. This works until someone shoots at her, which leads Team Bauer to unload bullets of rage all over the room.

What they didn't count on was the Sangalain skill of running away on one good leg and shooting someone. It's pretty impressive when done right and may be in the next Olympics.

This leaves man Taylor on his back with a bullet in his lower chest and an I-don't-care -if-he's-alive-or-dead cliffhanger for next week.

The Power of interns and screaming 'Dubaku!'

24 Season 7 Episode 7
2.2.09
2 p.m. to 3 p.m.

The *CIP Device, here to tease your firewall and infiltrate your motherboard.

The CIP Device allegedly died tonight so in honor of it and its magical powers, I Googled "CIP device" and got the picture above.

Why did it die? It was probably the deadly combination of Jack Bauer and the fact that it was running Windows Vista. Any computer with that OS is bound to end up in pieces on the ground.

It's a shame. I was growing fond of the mythical device that could bring our infrastructure to its knees and the drinking game that accompanied it. Instead we have pieces of wasted potential, a console forged by the hands of a computer geek in the bowels of hell that will never turn into the killer robot I was expecting.

The reason the CIP device failed was because CTU Startup needed help and hired an intern with the right qualifications: hotness and cheap labor.

And, like most interns, Walker doesn't care much about the cause of CTU Startup, but she is curious about where it's going and interested in any free swag she can steal from the supply closet (in CTU's case, it's Post-It notes shaped like a gun and a collection of stolen mini-golf pencils).

She also has to work without a bulletproof vest. The upside? Walker will gain experience. Unlike her friends FBI-always follow the book, she's learning skills that will last her a lifetime such as lying to get your way and using C4 to create a diversion. These are crucial when entering a career in retail where one is forced to listen to the new Kelly Clarkson song repetitively.

However, as Intern Walker roams the halls of an unassuming office building with apparently lax security, the FBI has tracked Dubaku next target: a chemical plant in Ohio.

They did this by blindfolding special agents (they are "special" for a reason) and making them shout "Du-BAKU!" as their colleague points to random places on a U.S. map. They got the idea because "Dubaku" sounds like it should be shouted with the same reckless abandon as "Bingo!" or "Penis!"

Dubaku has chosen this particular chemical plant since it's manned by the dad from My So-Called Life and apparently still holds a grudge for Mr. Chase cheating on Angela's mom. We've all been there Dubaku, but the rest of America ate a pound of chocolate and got over it.

The chemical plant is set to explode with an atmospheric release (it's too easy to point out the fart joke so do one on your own...and make sure you shout "Dubaku!" after you fart in real life) that will cause severe lung damage and chemical burns.

These are the same afflictions one can experience after a sexual panda takes advantage of you. The lung damage is from the screaming, the chemical burns are from the dirty Panda love.

You knew it was coming baby.

But this is Ohio, a place where heroic men call random women "Honey," despite their pleas to "Shut the hell up." Men don't die from getting pummeled by a panda. They die from small amounts of misdirected gas. Goodbye Angela's dad. I'm sure Jordon Catalano will write a song about you...right after he learns how to read.

Perhaps if Snarky had a hands-free device for her FBI phone she would have been able to find the non-lethal way to shutdown the plant. Does everyone on this show have a Bluetooth except them?

Yet, if the FBI was in contact with CTU Startup (or knew it existed. It's hard for Small-to-Medium Sized Businesses to get noticed out there), they would have known about Bauer's C4-ceiling explosion plan to get Dubaku (did you shout it? I did). Blowing up a piece of a ceiling with explosives is also how Jack celebrates New Year's and Arbor Day. The trick is to find an unsuspecting ceiling.

Somehow, Dubaku escapes and finds the computer geek (father of the CIP device) and turns him into a manbomb, used as a distraction and as an example of how "Sangala rolls."

This is troubling for the White House since the only way it knows how to "roll" is to react to any sort of news with a look of surprise, which is followed by a muffled "sonovabitch." I had the same reaction when the show cut to "The First Gentlemen" plot and I was forced to watch Henry Taylor bumble around searching for meaning in his character.

Thankfully the rogue secret service agent finds him. Unfortunately, the rogue works for Dubaku and is told Taylor is needed alive.

After giving the order, Dubaku returns how to his furnished apartment where his cute diner-waitress girlfriend (future hostage) visits from time to time. He has an apartment and a girlfriend? What does Sangala have again? That's right, death and deflated soccer balls.

With Dubaku out, CTU Startup is forced to shop around for a larger corporation to buy them up because, according to Jack, they "can't search for one man in the a city of millions." This is true. The only thing CTU Startup is equipped to handle is finding a lost child at a Renaissance Faire...and that's only if Buchanan isn't drunk off the "sweet mead."

The move to "turn corporate" forces Tony out because of his list of "bad things." This has already been referenced multiple times, which means we better get a "You-won't-believe-what-Tony-used-to-do-for-terrorists!" episode in the future. I fully expect Almeida to admit to killing people with cars or funding the career of Jessica Simpson. Both are equally horrific.

*I have no idea what this picture is