Promises and Sex at 4 a.m.

4 a.m. to 5 a.m.
5.16.05

After weeks and weeks of chastising Bitchelle for her evil harpy ways, she has finally crossed over to the pro-Tony side and embraced that lovable gun-toting drunk with open arms (cue the Journey song…now). She can now be called Michelle with affection since she's even willing to leave the only thing she's ever done (besides being a gold-digging whore) for the Tony.
However, I would be careful about these 4 a.m. promises. Girls say a lot of things after midnight that shouldn't be taken seriously, especially when it enters into the realm of relationship talk. Actually guys say a lot of things they don't mean at 4 a.m. too like "Ya I can drive" or "Nah, I'm not gonna puke on you or your friend's bathroom sink."

Suggestions on new careers for Michelle (Tony will be a Spanish soccer coach).

1. Teach high school (A lot like CTU except with more guns and epic romances)
2. Open a small shop that sells nothing but orange juice and music, because you can never have too much of either.
3. Host a late-night infomercial that sells a new knife that can cut everything from truck tires to uncomfortable silences
4. A pirate (self explanatory)

And since Michelle is no longer the bitch, we have a new diva to take the crown. Welcome back Mandy, the slut of the 24 world that shows up either in the very beginning or the very end to have sex, kill someone, or both. Poor Mandy, will she ever find love? Maybe she's the one Bauer has been searching for his entire life. A girl who will kill or kiss anyone to get what she wants, much like The Bauer.

Background: Mandy was in season 1 and 2. She's a hired gun for terrorists around the world. She was featured in the calendar Terrorism Hotties as the most coveted month of July. She is bi-sexual. It's best to shoot her during sex, since that may be the only time she's unarmed.

Tony is a hostage. I hope Michelle comes storming out and tackles Mandy for stealing her man, just when they were ready to start over. 24 could end in an epic cat-fight with the Bauer and Tony sitting back and watching the show, each with a strange satisfied grin, as if this was the scene they hoped to see at the end of their hard day. (then again, who doesn't want to end the day that way?).

I didn't think it was possible, but Logan found a new way to annoy the shit out of me. Whenever someone is talking to him, he tilts his head back and shows off his nostrils. It's gross and ridiculous to think that the most presidential part of him is his nose. He may not know how to lead a country, but he'll be the first one in the room to figure out who farted or ate cookies for dinner. He should be moved to the Department of Homeland Security because knowing who farted first is essential for this country's survival in this world of terrorism.

Cheesy line of the night said by the speaker of the house about Logan being advised by the Palmer: "Well, it's good to know that he's in good hands." (You'll get it once you see one of Palmer's All-State commercials.)

Marwan escaped…AGAIN? This guy is the Bauer except he uses his powers for evil instead of good. However, he does lack the ability to think for himself. He's spent so much time, money and energy on bringing America to its knees, he never thought of what he might want if he ever succeeded. That fool. The Bauer was ready to offer him anything.
I would have at least asked for a strong cup of coffee that would clear out the bowels in under 45 seconds. It's been a long day and I'm sure Marwan has got some backup there.
And where is he going? What does a terrorist do when he's achieved everything he's wanted? My guess is Denny's because after a successful day, an order of the Superbird tastes all the more better.

But it looks like we don't need Marwan anymore since Hellboy made a booty call last week. I, like the Bauer, was anxious to see some more torture on the lesser Heller and was pissed that Audrey stepped in to run interference. You could tell the Bauer was anxious to slap this boy to pieces.
"Fine, you have five minutes. I'm going to warm up my lamp."
I think I'd rather be tortured by the Bauer's lamp instead of my dad coming in and threatening to allow CTU to use "every piece of equipment" they have. I've seen those pens they use and they look like they could do some really nasty damage. That and no one wants to come out of the closet in a government building where you can actually feel everyone pull back and say "eewww" in their mind.

He's gay! That was the big secret secret he's been hiding! This marked the first time I yelled "holy shit!" during 24 when it wasn't someone dying, something exploding or the Bauer torturing someone with a household appliance. And I give Fox credit. If you're going to add some soap-opera themes into an action-packed show, the best way to do it is to get some kid who's got OC experience.
I liked Heller's reaction to the "I slept with a dude" comment by turning his back and moving to the opposite part of the room, as if he were afraid he was going to catch gay. He even kicked his son in the balls one last time when he left.
"You've made a profound mistake today…and being gay is sooooo out. The Queer Eye ratings having been plummeting. They even tried going to Texas this season. Texas!"

But wait, the lesser Heller got high and had sex at 4 a.m., another fine example of how it is better to be asleep than awake at this hour. Nothing good has ever come from being awake at 4 a.m. The night is about to end and the sun is on the verge of rearing it's ugly bright head at you.

Where is this missile going and does anyone care? No one has offered a grand plan to try to stop it. Maybe no one will because it will be revealed that it's headed towards Atlanta and everyone will shrug their shoulders and say "Eh, no one likes the Braves anyway" and be done with it. If the warhead doesn't explode, I fully expect it to be a dud because it was made in the USA and it's one thing we can be proud of, it's the occasional chance of shoddy craftsmanship.