Lost in Translation

2 a.m. to 3 a.m.
5.2.05

Watch out America. The terrorists have a warhead. And it's not just any warhead, it's an S-series, which means it was made by BMW and not only can it detonate in 5.4 seconds, but it is also iPod compatible so the bomb can listen to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" before it crashes into a building.

The Palmer is back and he's already got wimpy Logan to leave to the conference room so he can cry about being a crappy president. Of course he's not in the West Wing. He's a wuss and his acting sucks. The writers must hate Logan too since they give him the worst lines.
"The terrorists have this warhead. Help me find it."
As if the warhead was a set of keys or the remote control that Logan lost under the couch while eating a slice of pizza and scratching his ass. I hate that guy almost as much as I hate looking under my couch and finding a discarded warhead instead of the remote control. Between that and losing my socks in the laundry, I am one static-electric shock from burning down this apartment.

Audrey's going to Massachusetts with half-dead Paul? What is up with this chick? Suddenly she's turned from the hot Sheryl Crow looking girl to the Bauer-hating she-bitch that is ready to leave with some guy with a spinal-chord injury. Women will always leave you for a guy who has a minimal chance of survival. Why? Because deep down inside all women want a Lifetime movie to be about her life.

It's been awhile since we've had some crazies on the show, so it was nice to see this Jen girl call in to check on Tony. And who gets a direct line to CTU? Is there an ad in the yellowpages or something?

"Seen any minorities with guns, suspicious bookmarks on your boyfriend's computer, or a warhead under your couch? Then call 1-800-The-Bauer to get any of our young attractive operators who are standing by to take your inane calls. And if you call within the next 20 minutes with a genuine lead, you get a free coffee mug."

It would have been better if Jen Crazy showed up at CTU with her Wal-Mart outfit and created a scene.

"How could you be here? Remember when we met at the 24-hour Wal-Mart and you helped me stack the toilet paper because you had nothing else better to do? What happened to that guy? I miss him."

There may be hope for Bitchelle after all now that she's shown her girlish feelings for Tony.
"Do you love her?"
That's a really dumb question though. No one could love anyone who works for Wal-Mart, which was exemplified with Tony's silent "Hell no" shake of the head.

Aside from romantic love lingering in the air, we have weird love between Edgar and Chloe. Behind their sarcastic remarks and equal distaste for each other, there is something erupting underneath. It's just a shame no one will want to see it. If it does happen, expect a collective "Oh MAN!" from the CTU staff as they shield their eyes from the scene.
Edgar does have some competition with Chloe since the Bauer used his "boyfriend voice" with Chloe to see if she was ok. If it's one thing Edgar doesn't have, it's a "boyfriend voice"…or a boyfriend belly for that matter. He could seriously crush her if he ever gets on top, and that's assuming he could get up the stairs into the bedroom.

I've always wanted to see the Bauer invade a county and I guess infiltrating the Chinese consulate is the closest thing I'm ever going to see. And how does one invade and extract a terrorist suspect from a consulate? Follow the Bauer plan.

1. One ski mask so when people see you, they know you possess ill intentions
2. One Chinese interpreter so you can understand the swear words
3. One dart gun because darts are more annoying than bullets
4. One black man because Chinese people are scared to death of them

It was fitting to see a slew of Chinese people with guns on television. Just today, CNN had a story about how Asians are misrepresented on television.
As always, FOX makes everyone look foolish by going that extra mile. When Law & Order or Desperate Housewives attempt to bring in one Asian character on the show, 24 will enlist the use of an entire country.
Sure, they are still bad, but it's refreshing to see Asians as terrorists as opposed to a drunken karate master or a food delivery guy. Now Asians will be seen as people who can blow the crap out of your country instead of the guy who leaves menus taped to your door that you're just going to throw in the street.

The Bauer doesn't see things or people in color. He only sees things and people in how they can serve his purpose. In his escape from the Chinese palace, the Asian terrorist was used as a human shield. I heard in an upcoming episode he's going to use a Quiznos Sub as a beating stick. Because it's toasted, they hurt more.
It's amazing that 20 people couldn't hit a man running out of their building but could hit the non-moving guy who was shouting "Stop!" And don't give me the you couldn't tell who was bad or good crap. He's the only white guy in there with a ski mask on. Hello? Ski mask = ill intentions. Did you not see the memo?

There is a defense to torture. Speak a different language. The look of utter disappointment was pretty apparent when the interpreter asked the Bauer what he wanted to do.
"We'll just give him what he wants. You can't torture a foreigner. Your threats get lost in translation."

You know what else gets lost in translation? When you force a doctor at gunpoint to stop working on your girlfriend's husband to fix up a terrorist suspect. Oh, and then the husband dies despite the Bauer playing doctor for a couple of minutes.

Random Thought: You can tell blood is filling up in someone's lungs by putting your ear to their chest? Do you hear a "glug glug" sound or something? And if I hear that in my belly, does that mean blood is filling up down there too?

It's also hard to believe that CTU only has one doctor who can perform a surgery. This is the place where the Bauer works and I'm sure this isn't the first time he's wheeled in two different guys who were shot because of him.

I'll be impressed if the Bauer can scam his way back to Audrey, especially after pulling the gun on the doctor and forcing him to leave half-dead Paul. Hmm, choosing between the welfare of the country or getting laid later that night. That sucks.
And hearing your girlfriend yell "You son of a bitch! I hate you! It's your fault he's dead!" isn't very promising either. The last time I heard those words was when my buddy came home from a bachelor party. I'd go into the details, but you'd probably puke on the computer.

But if anyone can get away with having a bachelor party that consists of breaking the law, using an Asian man as a human shield, and killing your girlfriend's husband, it's the Bauer. In fact, I think I just figured out what I'm gonna do for mine if I ever get married.