The only road the Bauer has ever known...

5 a.m. to 7 a.m.
5.23.05

The Passion of the Pimp
It's not fair for terrorists to look as hot as Mandy, especially when she shows off that thigh holster. If she showed up in my apartment and started to walk around with the thigh holster and then took it off, I'd kill anyone and anything that she wanted. If I ever meet a girl with a thigh holster, I'll be screwed.
I was all set to write my proposal letter to her and send it to Fox until she opened her mouth and started to talk. In. Really. Choppy. Sentences.

"Will Michelle…save….your….life? Can…she…talk…as…sexy…as…this?"

I guess we know why she never talked all that much before. Apparently all she's good at is having sex and shooting people. Incidentally, that's all I'm looking for in a girlfriend.

Living in an apartment complex was a good move as well since they are ideal places to hide. Not only does everything look the same, but if you move the coffee table to the wall that opens the secret passage that allows people to escape.

If you turn the coffee table upside-down, the entire apartment goes up in flames. That's really all Feng Shui is, placing a coffee table in certain places around the apartment for a certain function.

Poor fat guy got shot. It's not fair. I guess in 24, fat people have no business being in the world unless they are working at CTU, sitting at a 24-hour buffet, or dying. Edgar should go to an Old Country Buffet just to be safe. And besides, he's had a long day.

Tony is naked, handcuffed, and on his knees. That's pretty much how all drunks end their day, so I wasn't too surprised about that. However, I was expecting him to start using his sex appeal on Mandy to try to win his freedom.
"Tell you what. I'll start dancing like a worm and let you rub my belly if you let me go."

If it worked on prom night, it'll work in the midst of a hostage situation. The only other thing he could have done was put an empty beer box on his head. It wouldn't have convinced Mandy to set him free, but it's pretty freaking hilarious.

5:30 a.m. It begins to rain in the world of 24, marking the first time weather was ever a factor. And how convenient that it was the precise moment that Mandy wanted to leave. Whose side are you on God?

Oh! The car blew up! Michelle screamed! Mandy said bitch!

The Bauer wasn't fooled for not only does he naturally distrust women, but he's seen this plotline too many times before and knows something must be up. And, just like before, the Bauer doesn't believe anything the government tells him.

"No Jack. Tony's gone. The car blew up. The computer told us so. Come on back. We're going to privatize social security and it's going to be awesome for everyone, I swear."

And how do you convince your neighbors to casually walk to a car with an umbrella pointed in a certain direction? I can't even convince mine to stop banging on the wall and screaming "Praise Jesus!" when they are having sex. Then again, I don't look good in a miniskirt or own a gun, so I guess I can't convince anyone to do anything.

Mandy was pretty sassy calling Michelle and sending her a photo of hostage Tony via picture phone. And you thought pictures phones were only good for porno pictures. Michelle wasn't willing to sacrifice a city for Tony? I would have been willing to give up Phoenix, St. Louis, and Cleveland.

I liked seeing Michelle freak out at everyone. It would have been better if she started to take off more clothing. Yea, Mandy really got to me. Why can't good people wear miniskirts?

The only defense against sexy women is to hump fight them. Hump fighting is what you do when you are handcuffed and all you can do is throw your body into the other person. In some cultures, this is used as a way to have sex and to kill people. Sometimes at the same time, which isn't a bad way to go.

However, the hump fight doesn't work when your opponent is a whore, because she practically invited the hump fight. So how do you defeat a whore?

POW!

You gotta dig deep and bring out the passion of the pimp inside of you to smack that bitch up with a quick one to the face. Even more impressive than that was how Curtis did it without leaving a mark on her.
If anything, Curtis can go on tour after his CTU career with his new book titled "Teach her a Lesson without going to Prison." It even rhymes a little so it could be a hip-hop song too.

The Year of the Rat

If you need to hide from anyone, especially the Asian government, San Diego is the ideal place to go. It's kind of like the apartment complex of cities. Not only is the weather beautiful, but people don't care who you are or where you came from. They only ask that you visit the zoo. If you don't go to the zoo, then they bring you up on charges.

That Asian guy is a tenacious little bastard. I've never hated Asians more. Maybe it's because he reminds me of my dad and the time I opened my car door and saw him sitting there with my report card yelling "You got a B in math?!"
Burns was holding pretty tight until crazy Asian man threatened to put him on a ship and send him off to labor camp. Burns is a wuss for giving up the Bauer. Labor camp isn't so bad. It's getting there that sucks. The boat ride will make you sick and car ride is full of bumps. If it was a concentration camp, then that would be slightly different…

Why couldn't someone smack Logan? His incessant yells of "we're screwed!" and "It's your fault!" brought me back to grade school. I wish the Chinese would storm the White House so that Secret Service could "accidentally" shoot the president. The government would be better off and the Chinese would feel like everything was square.

Phantom Shit

Marwan is still around? I thought that fool would have left by now. Oh that's right, the Bauer shot him with a rage bullet and, unlike regular bullets, those take some time to get out.
I liked how that fool couldn't leave in the helicopter because the Bauer's helicopter was right on top of him. That's what happens when you choose a getaway vehicle that doesn't have wheels. He should have just taken the bus like before or bought a scooter. Those are at least fun.

I love how the Bauer is never wrong. Most people wouldn't have paid any attention to some arbitrary sound in a parking garage and chalked it up to a rat or someone farting. But no, the Bauer hears something and automatically thinks, nay, knows that it's Marwan. I'm beginning to think the Bauer has super natural powers.
Then again, he couldn't get anything out of Marwan, even while he was dangling over the ledge. And that whole hand-slicing thing was just rude. Getting your hand sliced really hurts.

The missile is undetectable, traveling under the radar and heading toward a major US city. This makes the warhead kind of like that phantom shit. You felt it leave, but you won't be convinced of its existence until it starts to smell.

Hmm, despite Marwan shooting his phone or whatever that thing was, CTU was still able to retrieve information from it that was interpreted as a flight path. And, surprise surprise, the missile is headed to LA.
WHAT?
Why the HELL is it going to LA? Did Marwan have some beef with Hollywood? Is it possible that perhaps he didn't agree with the way Middle Eastern people were portrayed on television and on film and wanted to teach the entertainment industry a lesson? Soak up the irony people. Soak it up like a towel soaking up pee in the kitchen.

There is no fathomable reason for the missile to go to LA. It would have been 7 a.m. when the thing hit. The newscasters in LA wouldn't have woken up from their coke-induced coma, making the job of covering such a catastrophe impossible. Wouldn't Washington DC (because of the White House) or Nashville (to enrage country fans) been a better choice?

And yes let's take a shot in the dark at this foreign thing that is moving towards LA. Sure, it could be the 7:13 a.m. flight from Vegas that's heading to LAX, but at this point who cares?
I was kinda hoping to see the debris fall to the ground with this big metal plate hitting this car with the words "US Warhead. For Peace Keeping use only" written on the side.

A Fashionable Pair of Sunglasses

"Tony…I never realized how much I loved you until I saw you in this flannel shirt. Wear it to bed tonight."

Yay for Michelle and Tony. They will leave the life and hopefully open a taco stand or something.
Bad news for the Bauer as Audrey leaves him after realizing there is only one woman for the Bauer and that woman is CTU.

Getting dumped sucks enough, but when you find out that an entire country is pissed at you, it sort of dampens your mood even more. After I got dumped, I found out Guam was mad about an alleged public urination incident. From the letter I got yesterday, they still haven't let it go, despite the fact that their rose gardens have been flourishing.

The Bauer is being dumped twice in a matter of minutes now that the country wants to throw him to China. It would have been exciting to have the season end with Bauer getting arrested and being shipped to prison, but because he's the man that knows too much, a different course of action had to be taken.

"He must be killed. He knows where we keep that special stash of Twinkies. The Chinese don't have Twinkies. We must protect the Twinkie supply."

Those fools. The only person that can kill the Bauer is the Bauer. And he ain't gonna go out like a fool.

The Bauer smiled after Palmer told him he was going to be killed. You know why? Because the only thing more fun than thwarting terrorism is to screw with everyone you know.

To end the season with a game of hide-and-seek and watching the Bauer fake his own death was awesome. Even better that Tony and Michelle were in on it (I guess they can do whatever they want since they'll be opening that taco stand on the side of the road soon).

And now that everyone thinks the Bauer is dead, he has to assume a new identity. Hold your breath, because here comes your last list of the year.

Possible new names and identities for the Bauer:

1. Sheldon Lewis, male secretary
2. Kennedy McLaw, mall security guard who moonlights as a janitor at a strip club
3. Kiefer Sutherland, get those irony towels out again
4. George Nelson, the best furniture salesman in Mexico
5. Jack Daniels, his new way of torture is alcohol poisoning. There is only so much Jack a person can take.

So there he goes, wearing a pair of jeans and carrying a satchel in the morning sun. And just to make sure no one will be able to recognize him, he puts on a pair of sunglasses, putting him completely in disguise.
You may have the same hair and clothes as you did before, but with a fashionable pair of sunglasses you become instantly incognito and can do anything you want. For the Bauer, he is taking the only road he has ever known. It's a road that will lead him to Mexico where loose women, cheap beer, and wooden trinkets await him.

I fully expect season five to begin with the Bauer wearing a sombrero, riding a donkey, and completely drunk off of tequila. At least, that's how it's going to begin for me.

See you bastards next year…