4 p.m. to 5 p.m.
2.27.06
Most men hate breaking up with women. We aren't programmed to handle it and would rather act like dicks or assholes to make women dump us instead (this is why video games, porn, and sweatpants were created).
Even with a sure-fire way out like she showed up with bad breath or terrorists are threatening to blow up the limo she's in, men will still hesitate to go through with it.
President Bug-Eyes has the chance to be free and is in a position to reap the benefits of being a president who is also a bachelor (imagine the mayhem if ClinTONE wasn't tied down. It'd be a different and sexier world).
But maybe it isn't about him wanting to get rid of her. Maybe it's because Crazytown has pulled out the ultimate test out of the special edition of Cosmo and instigated the "love test."
By saving Crazytown from the limo, Bug-Eyes will prove to her that he loves her…and that may be too hard to swallow.
"Aaron…did he change our route?"
"No ma'am. He did send chocolates and a card that reads 'See you in Hell' though."
Aaron, the red-headed Bauer. Never piss off a redhead or you'll die by fire. Actually, it's your own fault for bringing the entire Grand Theft Auto arsenal with you to take out an unarmed limo. Rocket Launchers? Machine guns? Flame throwers?
I'm surprised they didn't have booby traps around the street where some guy blew a horn and an Ewok pushed a boulder onto the car. They should have learned from the master. George Lucas doesn't mess around, especially with terrorism.
Who is messing around is the Boy Named Lynn (Listen to Cash's a Boy Named Sue and, like I did in the shower, you'll finally understand why the Goonie was named after a girl). He was angry and with good reason.
"I've been embarrassed enough today thank you. I don't need to be told about a phantom terrorist threat cooked up by Scowl Face and Fat Lisp over there."
(For real? I never gave Chloe and Edgar nicknames? Shameful…)
Oh, but you're wrong Boy Named Lynn. There are so many other ways to be embarrassed at CTU. Your Schitzo daughter can commit suicide, your dad can belittle you in front of everyone, you can be fat, you can be followed into the girl's bathroom, and you can be charged with the always mysterious and scary Section 112.
Section 112 can be invoked if someone at CTU can't mentally handle their job or if they fire the attractive IT chic named Keri. In Boy Named Lynn's case, he did both and in the world of CTU, that's like robbing a guy and then doing donuts on his lawn with his car.
With Boy Named Lynn gone, it brings back Old Man Buchanan and an immediate re-instatement of Hot Girl Keri and warning the secret service that some bad shit is about to go down to the Commies and Crazytown.
And now Bug-Eyes will have to deal with something worse than a terrorist threat: a wife who is convinced you don't love her. I guess that uncomfortable prayer time with Novick accomplished nothing but another awkward story to tell at Camp David.
If anything, Bug-Eyes now has the title for his memoir.
God @&$%! Hates Me By President Charles Logan
(Random: 24 the game is out! Goodbye sleep, hellooooo insomnia)
The cloak and dagger shit at CTU was fun though while Boy Named Lynn was going nutso, especially when Fat Lisp got involved.
Sheryl Crow: "Edgar come with me?"
Fat Lisp: "Am I in trouble?"
Sheryl Crow: "You're fat. You're constantly in trouble. Eat some fruit man or take a shit once in a while."
Fat Lisp is acting like a child, thinking he's being called to the corner so he can get spanked, just like in grade school. Since he's acting like a child, it's no surprise that Sheryl Crow and Scowl Face had to spell everything out for him by talking slowly and using words he could understand like "Jack," "help," and "computer."
All this just so Jack could enter the building covertly under the boring fake name of "John Barrie." If they're gonna give him a fake name, why can't it be something fun like "Jack Meoff" and have Jack turn to the camera, mouth the name again, and move his fist up and down.
At least Scowl Face got it down in time while Sheryl Crow ran interference with Boy Named Lynn. Why the hell is he so pissed off? Oh that's right. He lost his precious keycard and it calls to him in his mind. It was his…and they tooks it away from him!
(Sean Astin is a never-ending barrel of hilarity. I haven't even touched Encino Man or B.R.A.T. Patrol yet)
Apparently I was wrong. Inbred Canadians don't make nerve gas in the mountains with a wooden spoon. It's made by companies like OMOCRON (or something like that) and sold. Which is why Jack is busting into the building. That, and he wants to check in on an old friend who, in typical Bauer-school form, greets Jack with a stun gun while hiding behind the door.
Welcome Christopher Henderson, the Anti-Bauer. He was the man who first recruited Jack, only to be brought up on charges of selling secret files by his protégé. Only the man who taught Bauer could ever go up against him properly.
Sidenote: Only the doubly badass actor who portrayed Robocop and taught at Syracuse University (Peter Weller) could be tapped to take Bauer on. That's how Orangemen roll.
The Anti-Bauer is sly. He gave Jack his gun, brought him to the bunker where the gas is made, and then yelled at him for not believing in him. Then he ran away because he needed to find IT people. Jack is stupid. IT people can't do anything for anyone except shake their head and turn the computer off and on.
But Jack made up for his lapse of judgement. Only he would find the hidden bomb in the metal folder, place it near the locked door, and hide under the floor.
It's Season 5 and Jack has finally met his match. The Anti-Bauer has all the military talent of Jack, but none of the civic pride. And let's not forget that he can probably still fit into that Robocop suit.
Let the cat and mouse game begin.
2.28.2006
2.21.2006
Hidden Agendas and Rocky IV
3 p.m. to 4 p.m.
2.20.06
First, let me pour some wine on the floor of my apartment for Yellow Tie, a determined terrorist whose only flaw was wanting to kill a bunch of Americans at a mall and not wanting to bring Mother Russia to her knees.
With a knife to the gut, we have a new bad man who can be classified as a "compassionate terrorist." He kills people, but cares. Just like George W. Bush.
Being compassionate also means apologizing for your subordinates when they want to have some fun and release a toxic gas in a public area.
Mr. President. Thank you for taking my call. We never meant to drop a deuce in the middle of the mall, especially during President's Day where there are a multitude of sales to take advantage of. We really just wanted to screw with the Russians.
Wait, what? He gave Bad Man #2 the Russian president's route? It didn't really take that much prying either. Not to mention Bug-Eyed seemed frightened by the cell phone.
"Mike! What is that!"
"It's a cell phone sir."
"Does it bite?"
"I hate you sir."
And of course, this intrigues our bug-eyed president. Who wouldn't want to screw with the Russians? The Cold War was so much fun. We got stellar movies (Red Dawn, Bachelor Party) and got away with saying "Don't be a Commie!" as an icebreaker at parties.
Maybe that's all Bug-Eyes wants, a retreat back to a simpler time when the enemy was weak and wasn't all up in their religion. I mean, the Russians loved vodka. I can understand and appreciate that.
Bug-Eyes' hidden agenda: Being a Canadian spy, sent to dispel the stereotype that our neighbors to the north aren't wimpy, strange looking, and afraid of talking to strangers on the phone…oh wait.
I don't think Novak likes Crazytown all that much. When she came in, he turned around and gave a sigh, apparently upset that his sausage party was broken up. This is odd since it's clear that Crazytown is the only person in that relationship who has a set of balls. You'd think Novak would recognize that.
Novak's hidden agenda: a 24/7 sausage party
But no, Novick would rather be with the guy who thinks it's cool to give terrorists the Russian president's motorcade route because "the security can handle it."
Did he not see the movie JFK? Doesn't he know the motorcade is like Duckhunt for terrorists? All you need is a strategically placed nail to take out the tire and shoot the shit out of the limo. It's really not that difficult. Sudan kids can do it drunk with their eyes closed.
Crazytown proves she has balls and gets into the death limo with the Bolshevik and his wife, hoping against hope that Bug-Eyed chooses love over Russian blood. She may have balls, but she lacks the brains. Nothing quenches the thirst for Russian blood. Nothing.
It's sad that the president feels that the only way out is to allow the terrorists to take out the Russian president and helping them in the process. This proves Rocky IV didn't teach anyone anything.
Sylvester Stallone's hidden agenda: World peace…one Rocky movie at a time
Goonie's sister, Crack Whore, has his keycard and he's super pissed. He should be more worried about the credit cards since a Crack Whore at the mall is also a threat to national security. It's probably why he wanted the gas to be released. A dead Crack Whore with an unused credit card in her hands is worth 800,000 people and a new Mercedes.
But Dwayne, Crack Whore's man, has a plan and is prime to handle the key card situation. I believe him. He had booze and orange juice on the table, which tells me he knows how to have fun, but also knows the value of vitamin C.
Since the keycard is gone and there's no way for Goonie to get it back, he takes it out on the co-workers and reverts back to grade-school mentality by telling on people and saying things like "You did that on purpose!"
He may as well act like that since he's getting treated like a 10-year-old. His sister won't give his toy back and the president just scolded him. Goonie doesn't need any more pressure at work. He needs a Popsicle and someone to kiss his mental boo-boo.
So because he's a Goonie on the warpath, he gets into everyone's face and even throws Old Man Buchanan into the time-out room after he suspects him and Audrey conspiring something.
"You're lucky your father is the Secretary of Defense, Miss Raines, so I can't do anything to you. However, Mr. Buchanan, your father was a wrinkled, transvestite whore. You go away now."
It's a shame that Goonie is acting like such a dick. If he could just be cool, he'd be in the loop and know there's a Governmental Stooge on the phone talking about nerve gas and that he can find it. But no, Goonie has to act like a Little Bitch…so that's what we'll call him.
And the only reason Old Man Buchanan did anything was because he felt out of the loop. According to Little Bitch, everyone has a hidden agenda but him. Hidden agendas, as I'm sure you now realize, are fun. I have a couple going on right now. They all involve me riding on a donkey with a flare gun. I can't say any more.
Old Man Buchanan's hidden agenda: keeping the gay inside of him
Again, Instant Messaging technology comes in handy when the Little Bitch around the office starts acting up.
Hot4Flash: hey, WTF is up wit lil' bitch?
DirtyOfficeDame: lol I know! I think he's trying to look down my shirt
Hot4Flash: gross! I think Edgar acts that way with me
DirtyOfficeDame: What's up with u 2?
Hot4Flash: He smells like cat food…and donuts
I love how the Stooge calls up Bauer and asks him to be his bodyguard. He probably knew of Bauer's hidden agenda, thanks to a well-placed business card in a local bar.
Jack Bauer: Man with Gun
For when everyone else you know is dead
Birthday Parties negotiable
213.KICK.ASS
I was so jealous when Stooge was getting the update from the Bauer that bad people were coming his way. I wish I could call Bauer whenever I had a problem.
Me: "Dude, I'm hungry."
Bauer: "You're not hungry enough. Go to the gym lard-ass"
Me: "Then what?"
Bauer: "Get peanut butter and sushi. Eat them at the same time."
Me: "But that sounds gross."
Bauer: "DO IT NOW!"
Bauer is the best bodyguard around. Who else can take a HELICOPTER down with a fucking pistol? I can't wait for Bauer to get old and lazy so I can see him running around LA with a missile launcher.
Too bad Stooge died, though he did get a quick feel from Bauer before he took off.
"Where is it!?"
"Um, in my pocket…a little to the left…oh yea."
The only thing missing was Whitney Houston's "I will Always Love You" and it would have been a Lifetime moment with Bauer. But, as Curtis found out, the Bauer doesn't do Lifetime moments.
The big guy tried to talk about feelings and said that he hoped Audrey and Jack would make it. That's girl talk. If a guy wants to talk like that, he should be obliterated and talking to a tree he thinks is his friend. If not, he'll just get knocked out and thrown into a bush.
But the Bauer knew Curtis would be safe. A passed-out black guy in LA in a bush isn't anything to be scared of. It's like a passed-out white guy in Vermont in a bush. Everyone's too afraid to touch them.
And besides, they share the same hidden agenda: being drunk.
2.20.06
First, let me pour some wine on the floor of my apartment for Yellow Tie, a determined terrorist whose only flaw was wanting to kill a bunch of Americans at a mall and not wanting to bring Mother Russia to her knees.
With a knife to the gut, we have a new bad man who can be classified as a "compassionate terrorist." He kills people, but cares. Just like George W. Bush.
Being compassionate also means apologizing for your subordinates when they want to have some fun and release a toxic gas in a public area.
Mr. President. Thank you for taking my call. We never meant to drop a deuce in the middle of the mall, especially during President's Day where there are a multitude of sales to take advantage of. We really just wanted to screw with the Russians.
Wait, what? He gave Bad Man #2 the Russian president's route? It didn't really take that much prying either. Not to mention Bug-Eyed seemed frightened by the cell phone.
"Mike! What is that!"
"It's a cell phone sir."
"Does it bite?"
"I hate you sir."
And of course, this intrigues our bug-eyed president. Who wouldn't want to screw with the Russians? The Cold War was so much fun. We got stellar movies (Red Dawn, Bachelor Party) and got away with saying "Don't be a Commie!" as an icebreaker at parties.
Maybe that's all Bug-Eyes wants, a retreat back to a simpler time when the enemy was weak and wasn't all up in their religion. I mean, the Russians loved vodka. I can understand and appreciate that.
Bug-Eyes' hidden agenda: Being a Canadian spy, sent to dispel the stereotype that our neighbors to the north aren't wimpy, strange looking, and afraid of talking to strangers on the phone…oh wait.
I don't think Novak likes Crazytown all that much. When she came in, he turned around and gave a sigh, apparently upset that his sausage party was broken up. This is odd since it's clear that Crazytown is the only person in that relationship who has a set of balls. You'd think Novak would recognize that.
Novak's hidden agenda: a 24/7 sausage party
But no, Novick would rather be with the guy who thinks it's cool to give terrorists the Russian president's motorcade route because "the security can handle it."
Did he not see the movie JFK? Doesn't he know the motorcade is like Duckhunt for terrorists? All you need is a strategically placed nail to take out the tire and shoot the shit out of the limo. It's really not that difficult. Sudan kids can do it drunk with their eyes closed.
Crazytown proves she has balls and gets into the death limo with the Bolshevik and his wife, hoping against hope that Bug-Eyed chooses love over Russian blood. She may have balls, but she lacks the brains. Nothing quenches the thirst for Russian blood. Nothing.
It's sad that the president feels that the only way out is to allow the terrorists to take out the Russian president and helping them in the process. This proves Rocky IV didn't teach anyone anything.
Sylvester Stallone's hidden agenda: World peace…one Rocky movie at a time
Goonie's sister, Crack Whore, has his keycard and he's super pissed. He should be more worried about the credit cards since a Crack Whore at the mall is also a threat to national security. It's probably why he wanted the gas to be released. A dead Crack Whore with an unused credit card in her hands is worth 800,000 people and a new Mercedes.
But Dwayne, Crack Whore's man, has a plan and is prime to handle the key card situation. I believe him. He had booze and orange juice on the table, which tells me he knows how to have fun, but also knows the value of vitamin C.
Since the keycard is gone and there's no way for Goonie to get it back, he takes it out on the co-workers and reverts back to grade-school mentality by telling on people and saying things like "You did that on purpose!"
He may as well act like that since he's getting treated like a 10-year-old. His sister won't give his toy back and the president just scolded him. Goonie doesn't need any more pressure at work. He needs a Popsicle and someone to kiss his mental boo-boo.
So because he's a Goonie on the warpath, he gets into everyone's face and even throws Old Man Buchanan into the time-out room after he suspects him and Audrey conspiring something.
"You're lucky your father is the Secretary of Defense, Miss Raines, so I can't do anything to you. However, Mr. Buchanan, your father was a wrinkled, transvestite whore. You go away now."
It's a shame that Goonie is acting like such a dick. If he could just be cool, he'd be in the loop and know there's a Governmental Stooge on the phone talking about nerve gas and that he can find it. But no, Goonie has to act like a Little Bitch…so that's what we'll call him.
And the only reason Old Man Buchanan did anything was because he felt out of the loop. According to Little Bitch, everyone has a hidden agenda but him. Hidden agendas, as I'm sure you now realize, are fun. I have a couple going on right now. They all involve me riding on a donkey with a flare gun. I can't say any more.
Old Man Buchanan's hidden agenda: keeping the gay inside of him
Again, Instant Messaging technology comes in handy when the Little Bitch around the office starts acting up.
Hot4Flash: hey, WTF is up wit lil' bitch?
DirtyOfficeDame: lol I know! I think he's trying to look down my shirt
Hot4Flash: gross! I think Edgar acts that way with me
DirtyOfficeDame: What's up with u 2?
Hot4Flash: He smells like cat food…and donuts
I love how the Stooge calls up Bauer and asks him to be his bodyguard. He probably knew of Bauer's hidden agenda, thanks to a well-placed business card in a local bar.
Jack Bauer: Man with Gun
For when everyone else you know is dead
Birthday Parties negotiable
213.KICK.ASS
I was so jealous when Stooge was getting the update from the Bauer that bad people were coming his way. I wish I could call Bauer whenever I had a problem.
Me: "Dude, I'm hungry."
Bauer: "You're not hungry enough. Go to the gym lard-ass"
Me: "Then what?"
Bauer: "Get peanut butter and sushi. Eat them at the same time."
Me: "But that sounds gross."
Bauer: "DO IT NOW!"
Bauer is the best bodyguard around. Who else can take a HELICOPTER down with a fucking pistol? I can't wait for Bauer to get old and lazy so I can see him running around LA with a missile launcher.
Too bad Stooge died, though he did get a quick feel from Bauer before he took off.
"Where is it!?"
"Um, in my pocket…a little to the left…oh yea."
The only thing missing was Whitney Houston's "I will Always Love You" and it would have been a Lifetime moment with Bauer. But, as Curtis found out, the Bauer doesn't do Lifetime moments.
The big guy tried to talk about feelings and said that he hoped Audrey and Jack would make it. That's girl talk. If a guy wants to talk like that, he should be obliterated and talking to a tree he thinks is his friend. If not, he'll just get knocked out and thrown into a bush.
But the Bauer knew Curtis would be safe. A passed-out black guy in LA in a bush isn't anything to be scared of. It's like a passed-out white guy in Vermont in a bush. Everyone's too afraid to touch them.
And besides, they share the same hidden agenda: being drunk.
2.14.2006
The Smell of Fear
2 p.m. to 3 p.m.
2.13.06
For a couple of weeks now there has been chatter on the Internet that Kim Bauer was to make an appearance on the show. Where is she? Did she get lost? Is she trapped in closet that has been turned around so the doors are facing the wall? And, most importantly, do I care?
Maybe KB shows up as a corpse, sending Bauer into an even more frenzied state, allowing for even crazier antics such as poking people's eyes out and skipping out on a bill at Outback Steakhouse.
Something better happen soon because, like every man in American, I don't like being told that a blonde will show up and then have to wait two to three hours for her to get there. Next time, I'm just gonna order the redhead special with a side of depravity.
It must have felt like high school again for the Goonie, coming back from the parking lot after just getting beaten for his lunch money. He still doesn't realize his card is missing, but that's because it's setting us up for the biggest plot twist of the year.
Since Goonie can't control Bauer, he's replaced by the Prez by someone who is more qualified: the crackhead who beat him down. Why? Because he can handle himself around government officials (he beat one down, remember?) and he's got the card, which technically, is all the government needs to see.
Hey now, he's got the card. Get that man a desk and some government benefits. And some crack. Lots and lots of crack.
Why do terrorists travel in vehicles like ugly blue vans? Whenever I see a van or a Geo on the road, I immediately think that a terrorist or an IRS agent is driving it right before I run it off the side of the road and throw a molotov cocktail at it. I hate doing taxes.
If they just drove around in pickup trucks with a "Say it in English" bumper sticker, no one would be the wiser. They'd probably have more friends too.
That sucks that Mrs. Traitor had to pick up her dead husband all by herself. For the White House to expect a grieving woman to carry the dead Traitor out to the car is horrible. Even more embarrassing is the fact that Novick wrote "Cock Boy" on Traitor's forehead with a Sharpie. Never give Novick a Sharpie. He'll tag you all, especially after some Jack Daniels.
And as if carrying out the dead and vandalized body of your husband wasn't enough, Crazytown wanted to rub salt in the wound by telling the truth. She was in such a manic state that I was expecting her to hold up a picture of Walt, point to it, and yell "Bad man!" like a two-year-old.
Politics isn't about truth telling. If she's so hell-bent on telling the American people the truth, then she should make a cardboard sign and sit on the sidewalk with the rest of the bums asking for change. The Democrats are always looking for new members. And if she feels the need to get nutty again, I'm sure Michael Moore could use an intern and a hotdog with extra spicy mustard.
"But the president's job is to tell the truth!"
No it isn't Crazytown. His job is to answer the red phone and to make sure there's enough beer and coke in the mini-fridge...that's it.
Random thought: I bet every single American president has uttered the words: "That's really gonna piss off my wife" while in office. Except Nixon. He was the devil. His wife was a robot.
Shouldn't it worry the US government that Jack can so easily be taken in as a terrorist? It's not like these guys will just accept anyone into their tribe. They can sense if you're down with terrorism just like a fat kid can tell if you've got candy in your pocket.
But Bauer could never hurt the children. Only truly evil people can do that, which is why Goonie didn't look at the children when Sheryl Crow was egging him on. As long as good people don't see children, they can do anything bad and call it "acceptable damage." Children can thwart terrorism (dead kids are bad) and pre-teen sex (annoying kids are bad).
"Whatever happens, Bauer can handle it."
Does CTU even try anymore? It seems like they're an extension of the 24 audience with all of them sitting around the table and yelling "Holy shit! Can't believe Bauer did that!" There's five of them in the room and no one thought to check the remote trigger for the tracking device?
I wonder how many times Bauer has woken up on the floor and been handcuffed to a table. I'd be willing to bet it's a common occurrence for him, probably on par with the times regular people find a penny on the ground.
Dammit. On the floor again. Means time to kill.
And did Bauer just rip the wires out of the death canister? You can do that? These canisters are definitely from the US where ripping out wires can turn things off (gas) or on (car).
No one listens to intercom announcements. It could be about a loose gorilla in the food court and people wouldn't care. I think it's because we don't like some mysterious voice telling us what to do. But a guy running around with a gas mask on is a different story.
There's nothing more frightening than seeing a man running around the mall wearing a gas mask. Not only is he running away from something, but the gas mask tells us that the smell of fear is somewhere in the area. And if you've ever smelled fear, you know much it smells like rotten eggs.
The only other thing that could have gotten people moving faster is seeing Cheney wielding a shotgun and screaming "It's coming straight for us!" as his hand twitches and shakes.
Again, the dark side of terrorism easily seduces President Bug Eyes, though in his defense, there were no pictures of children in the room to remind him that killing is wrong. Or maybe he purposely took those pictures out so he wouldn't be distracted from having fun.
What? Dead people at the mall! NO! Oh, it'll lead to more canisters. I'll send Cheney and that rookie Alito to finish the job.
The gas was supposed to be released for the greater good, which I can't agree more with. It's never good to let the gas stew. Doing so creates a bloated feeling and within time the pressure inside of you will paramount to a certain level and then BLAM, you fly into a wall because your ass just blew apart and there's all sorts of brown spots on the floor.
Always set the gas free, for the sake of humanity and your ass.
2.13.06
For a couple of weeks now there has been chatter on the Internet that Kim Bauer was to make an appearance on the show. Where is she? Did she get lost? Is she trapped in closet that has been turned around so the doors are facing the wall? And, most importantly, do I care?
Maybe KB shows up as a corpse, sending Bauer into an even more frenzied state, allowing for even crazier antics such as poking people's eyes out and skipping out on a bill at Outback Steakhouse.
Something better happen soon because, like every man in American, I don't like being told that a blonde will show up and then have to wait two to three hours for her to get there. Next time, I'm just gonna order the redhead special with a side of depravity.
It must have felt like high school again for the Goonie, coming back from the parking lot after just getting beaten for his lunch money. He still doesn't realize his card is missing, but that's because it's setting us up for the biggest plot twist of the year.
Since Goonie can't control Bauer, he's replaced by the Prez by someone who is more qualified: the crackhead who beat him down. Why? Because he can handle himself around government officials (he beat one down, remember?) and he's got the card, which technically, is all the government needs to see.
Hey now, he's got the card. Get that man a desk and some government benefits. And some crack. Lots and lots of crack.
Why do terrorists travel in vehicles like ugly blue vans? Whenever I see a van or a Geo on the road, I immediately think that a terrorist or an IRS agent is driving it right before I run it off the side of the road and throw a molotov cocktail at it. I hate doing taxes.
If they just drove around in pickup trucks with a "Say it in English" bumper sticker, no one would be the wiser. They'd probably have more friends too.
That sucks that Mrs. Traitor had to pick up her dead husband all by herself. For the White House to expect a grieving woman to carry the dead Traitor out to the car is horrible. Even more embarrassing is the fact that Novick wrote "Cock Boy" on Traitor's forehead with a Sharpie. Never give Novick a Sharpie. He'll tag you all, especially after some Jack Daniels.
And as if carrying out the dead and vandalized body of your husband wasn't enough, Crazytown wanted to rub salt in the wound by telling the truth. She was in such a manic state that I was expecting her to hold up a picture of Walt, point to it, and yell "Bad man!" like a two-year-old.
Politics isn't about truth telling. If she's so hell-bent on telling the American people the truth, then she should make a cardboard sign and sit on the sidewalk with the rest of the bums asking for change. The Democrats are always looking for new members. And if she feels the need to get nutty again, I'm sure Michael Moore could use an intern and a hotdog with extra spicy mustard.
"But the president's job is to tell the truth!"
No it isn't Crazytown. His job is to answer the red phone and to make sure there's enough beer and coke in the mini-fridge...that's it.
Random thought: I bet every single American president has uttered the words: "That's really gonna piss off my wife" while in office. Except Nixon. He was the devil. His wife was a robot.
Shouldn't it worry the US government that Jack can so easily be taken in as a terrorist? It's not like these guys will just accept anyone into their tribe. They can sense if you're down with terrorism just like a fat kid can tell if you've got candy in your pocket.
But Bauer could never hurt the children. Only truly evil people can do that, which is why Goonie didn't look at the children when Sheryl Crow was egging him on. As long as good people don't see children, they can do anything bad and call it "acceptable damage." Children can thwart terrorism (dead kids are bad) and pre-teen sex (annoying kids are bad).
"Whatever happens, Bauer can handle it."
Does CTU even try anymore? It seems like they're an extension of the 24 audience with all of them sitting around the table and yelling "Holy shit! Can't believe Bauer did that!" There's five of them in the room and no one thought to check the remote trigger for the tracking device?
I wonder how many times Bauer has woken up on the floor and been handcuffed to a table. I'd be willing to bet it's a common occurrence for him, probably on par with the times regular people find a penny on the ground.
Dammit. On the floor again. Means time to kill.
And did Bauer just rip the wires out of the death canister? You can do that? These canisters are definitely from the US where ripping out wires can turn things off (gas) or on (car).
No one listens to intercom announcements. It could be about a loose gorilla in the food court and people wouldn't care. I think it's because we don't like some mysterious voice telling us what to do. But a guy running around with a gas mask on is a different story.
There's nothing more frightening than seeing a man running around the mall wearing a gas mask. Not only is he running away from something, but the gas mask tells us that the smell of fear is somewhere in the area. And if you've ever smelled fear, you know much it smells like rotten eggs.
The only other thing that could have gotten people moving faster is seeing Cheney wielding a shotgun and screaming "It's coming straight for us!" as his hand twitches and shakes.
Again, the dark side of terrorism easily seduces President Bug Eyes, though in his defense, there were no pictures of children in the room to remind him that killing is wrong. Or maybe he purposely took those pictures out so he wouldn't be distracted from having fun.
What? Dead people at the mall! NO! Oh, it'll lead to more canisters. I'll send Cheney and that rookie Alito to finish the job.
The gas was supposed to be released for the greater good, which I can't agree more with. It's never good to let the gas stew. Doing so creates a bloated feeling and within time the pressure inside of you will paramount to a certain level and then BLAM, you fly into a wall because your ass just blew apart and there's all sorts of brown spots on the floor.
Always set the gas free, for the sake of humanity and your ass.
2.07.2006
The Price of Addiction
1 p.m. to 2 p.m.
2.6.06
Edgar's dreams are coming true. The competition (Spencer, the last boy scout) was played, dumped, and the fired from his job all in a matter of minutes. That's pretty impressive for Chloe, a girl who has finally found out that no man can ever replace the seductive binary code. Why she thought she a man could replace those luscious zeroes and ones is beyond me.
"Binary code, I wish I knew how to quit you."
Spencer isn't the only one that got kicked to the curb. Cummings was in bed with the terrorists and due to messing with the trigger before the big explosion of gas (talking about terrorism and sex here), he's being kicked out of bed. Screwing with the trigger is an inexcusable offense in the rules of engagement of "getting it on." Like so many politicians before him (Bush, Delay), he's brought much shame to his porn star name.
But he did it for us and swears he was thinking about the American people the entire time.
"I'm a patriot. It was all for oil. I did it for the best interest of the American people."
I ain't gonna lie. I told him to do it. I made him do it. He's my pusherman and I need that sweet thick oil to make me feel right. Don't look away. We're all addicted. I'm eventually gonna start a group called OMA (Oil Mongers Anonymous) to get myself right. But for now, I need that precious syrup to calm the demons.
Jack wants to leave? To where, the Gap? He dissed Curly Sue, he wants to kill Hanson, Sheryl Crow can't deal that he's alive, his best friend is in a coma, and he's unemployed. Unless there's a Chuck Norris convention in town, he's got nowhere else to go.
Luckily Logan (Bug-Eyes) convinces him to stick around, but this will expose Bauer to the public. And like most men, unless there's a stripper or a toilet in the room, we don't like being exposed.
This brings up the problem of Kim, BauerGirl, since she still thinks he's dead. And because she didn't show up in this episode, we are forced to speculate about where she is.
-working as a Hooters girl (she ran around in tight clothing in season 1 & 2 for a reason)
-a dirty hippie that's trying to get enough signatures to make torture illegal
-is in training to be like her dad. She tracks homeless people and kills them with a plastic knife. Then takes their cans.
-Hollywood actress that stars in atrocious movies (oh wait…)
I like the head terrorist so far (Yellow Tie) because he seems like a ball of rage, which is the same thing people turn into after a couple of bottles of yellow tail wine. Actually, that only happens to Americans and Europeans. Yellow tail is Australian for water.
The two types of Yellow Tie rage.
Obvious:
"Dude, why are you bothering with the US? They can't even put on a decent Superbowl anymore."
Yellow Tie looks at his subordinate before pulling his gun and screams "You die now!" in a blind fury.
Subtle:
Yellow Tie: "Why would I kill you? The US is my enemy. You are just a man with a metal machine."
Metal Man: "Right on man. Metal is cool. So are my goggles."
Yellow Tie smiles, pates Metal Man on the shoulder, thinks "You die now!" and shoots him. Then takes the goggles.
Both types are effective, refreshing and perfect with a meat or fish dish. Once he takes that yellow tie out and ties it around his head like Rambo, he'll be the best 24 villain ever.
I didn't like Sean Connery impersonator (they couldn't get Donald Sutherland to spare 15 minutes?) who was helping Yellow Tie reconfigure the trigger. And did he just know? Maybe he was reading the How Stuff Works website. That site rules. I know how a toilet works. I'm better than you.
The 15-year-old Corpse Bride was cute, especially with her big eyeballs and dead aim. Happiness really is a warm gun (bang, bang, shoot, shoot). At least Connery got what he deserved for touching her no-no-bad-things and telling Bauer to go to hell. It's a shame she'll be back on the black market or (worse) sold as a mail-order bride to the next bored CEO who's sick or money laundering and just wants to use a human being as a piñata.
Random thought from the other side of the brain:
I don't care if she is hot. Don't start repeating shit from past seasons. If Kim shows up next week riding a jaguar into CTU I'm gonna be pissed. Stop thinking brain. Here's some oil and yellow tail wine. Take your medicine.
Crazytown has calmed down and is starting to make-up with her husband, Bug-Eyes. Don't take that slap as a bad thing. That's how crazy people flirt.
She said they used to be a good team. It must have been a couple of Easter's ago when they won that three-legged race together. They say it's one of the hardest races humans can participate in, even harder than the Ironman and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey combined.
And already she's going head-to-head with Novack who doesn't care what you did or who you did it to. He just wants to cover it up with a nice, warm, unassuming blanket. You can buy them at Brookstone and they come in three colors. Mine is red, white, and blue and I use it every time I spill beer on the floor. It soaks it up and yells "woo hoo!" when it's done.
For a woman who has displayed signs of insanity the past couple of hours, she came off with some sound advice.
"The public doesn't like being lied to. Especially Oprah. She will bitch-slap you and make you cry on live television. I'd rather visit Sudan than Oprah."
Not bad advice from Crazytown. But in terms of the future, Bug-Eyes can do whatever he wants. Sure he'll be humiliated by Oprah, but in the end, people are still going to buy his book, along with the other two he'll write.
And as if being kicked out of the terrorist bed of love wasn't bad enough, Cummings commits suicide, saving himself from public humiliation and garnering a proper nickname from this blog. So in his passing, I deem him Broccoli, the most hated and feared vegetable on the planet. He could have been "Big Head" or "One-Eyed Walt" or even "T-bone." But he wanted to leave the party early, so he gets Broccoli. I hope he's choking in hell.
Besides you don't hang yourself if you mess up in politics. You only do that if you mess up at a daycare center ("Your baby's allergic to WHAT?"). If you mess up in politics, you write a book about it and then take the proceeds to buy crack. Soon you'll be calling up your crack-whore friends and stealing money and library cards from people.
It's the price of addiction, be it to drugs or sweet, sweet oil, and it must be paid. It can be done with money or with a box of t-shirts that read "Arizona Cardinals! Superbowl Champions!" (they're collector's items).
But sometimes, if the planets and stars are aligned correctly and you printed out the e-coupon in time, the price can be paid by finding a hobbit in a parking lot and beating the shit out of him.
Shh! I think I see one now. Soon, I'll be covered in that thick black oil again…yes, that black goo…my precious.
2.6.06
Edgar's dreams are coming true. The competition (Spencer, the last boy scout) was played, dumped, and the fired from his job all in a matter of minutes. That's pretty impressive for Chloe, a girl who has finally found out that no man can ever replace the seductive binary code. Why she thought she a man could replace those luscious zeroes and ones is beyond me.
"Binary code, I wish I knew how to quit you."
Spencer isn't the only one that got kicked to the curb. Cummings was in bed with the terrorists and due to messing with the trigger before the big explosion of gas (talking about terrorism and sex here), he's being kicked out of bed. Screwing with the trigger is an inexcusable offense in the rules of engagement of "getting it on." Like so many politicians before him (Bush, Delay), he's brought much shame to his porn star name.
But he did it for us and swears he was thinking about the American people the entire time.
"I'm a patriot. It was all for oil. I did it for the best interest of the American people."
I ain't gonna lie. I told him to do it. I made him do it. He's my pusherman and I need that sweet thick oil to make me feel right. Don't look away. We're all addicted. I'm eventually gonna start a group called OMA (Oil Mongers Anonymous) to get myself right. But for now, I need that precious syrup to calm the demons.
Jack wants to leave? To where, the Gap? He dissed Curly Sue, he wants to kill Hanson, Sheryl Crow can't deal that he's alive, his best friend is in a coma, and he's unemployed. Unless there's a Chuck Norris convention in town, he's got nowhere else to go.
Luckily Logan (Bug-Eyes) convinces him to stick around, but this will expose Bauer to the public. And like most men, unless there's a stripper or a toilet in the room, we don't like being exposed.
This brings up the problem of Kim, BauerGirl, since she still thinks he's dead. And because she didn't show up in this episode, we are forced to speculate about where she is.
-working as a Hooters girl (she ran around in tight clothing in season 1 & 2 for a reason)
-a dirty hippie that's trying to get enough signatures to make torture illegal
-is in training to be like her dad. She tracks homeless people and kills them with a plastic knife. Then takes their cans.
-Hollywood actress that stars in atrocious movies (oh wait…)
I like the head terrorist so far (Yellow Tie) because he seems like a ball of rage, which is the same thing people turn into after a couple of bottles of yellow tail wine. Actually, that only happens to Americans and Europeans. Yellow tail is Australian for water.
The two types of Yellow Tie rage.
Obvious:
"Dude, why are you bothering with the US? They can't even put on a decent Superbowl anymore."
Yellow Tie looks at his subordinate before pulling his gun and screams "You die now!" in a blind fury.
Subtle:
Yellow Tie: "Why would I kill you? The US is my enemy. You are just a man with a metal machine."
Metal Man: "Right on man. Metal is cool. So are my goggles."
Yellow Tie smiles, pates Metal Man on the shoulder, thinks "You die now!" and shoots him. Then takes the goggles.
Both types are effective, refreshing and perfect with a meat or fish dish. Once he takes that yellow tie out and ties it around his head like Rambo, he'll be the best 24 villain ever.
I didn't like Sean Connery impersonator (they couldn't get Donald Sutherland to spare 15 minutes?) who was helping Yellow Tie reconfigure the trigger. And did he just know? Maybe he was reading the How Stuff Works website. That site rules. I know how a toilet works. I'm better than you.
The 15-year-old Corpse Bride was cute, especially with her big eyeballs and dead aim. Happiness really is a warm gun (bang, bang, shoot, shoot). At least Connery got what he deserved for touching her no-no-bad-things and telling Bauer to go to hell. It's a shame she'll be back on the black market or (worse) sold as a mail-order bride to the next bored CEO who's sick or money laundering and just wants to use a human being as a piñata.
Random thought from the other side of the brain:
I don't care if she is hot. Don't start repeating shit from past seasons. If Kim shows up next week riding a jaguar into CTU I'm gonna be pissed. Stop thinking brain. Here's some oil and yellow tail wine. Take your medicine.
Crazytown has calmed down and is starting to make-up with her husband, Bug-Eyes. Don't take that slap as a bad thing. That's how crazy people flirt.
She said they used to be a good team. It must have been a couple of Easter's ago when they won that three-legged race together. They say it's one of the hardest races humans can participate in, even harder than the Ironman and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey combined.
And already she's going head-to-head with Novack who doesn't care what you did or who you did it to. He just wants to cover it up with a nice, warm, unassuming blanket. You can buy them at Brookstone and they come in three colors. Mine is red, white, and blue and I use it every time I spill beer on the floor. It soaks it up and yells "woo hoo!" when it's done.
For a woman who has displayed signs of insanity the past couple of hours, she came off with some sound advice.
"The public doesn't like being lied to. Especially Oprah. She will bitch-slap you and make you cry on live television. I'd rather visit Sudan than Oprah."
Not bad advice from Crazytown. But in terms of the future, Bug-Eyes can do whatever he wants. Sure he'll be humiliated by Oprah, but in the end, people are still going to buy his book, along with the other two he'll write.
And as if being kicked out of the terrorist bed of love wasn't bad enough, Cummings commits suicide, saving himself from public humiliation and garnering a proper nickname from this blog. So in his passing, I deem him Broccoli, the most hated and feared vegetable on the planet. He could have been "Big Head" or "One-Eyed Walt" or even "T-bone." But he wanted to leave the party early, so he gets Broccoli. I hope he's choking in hell.
Besides you don't hang yourself if you mess up in politics. You only do that if you mess up at a daycare center ("Your baby's allergic to WHAT?"). If you mess up in politics, you write a book about it and then take the proceeds to buy crack. Soon you'll be calling up your crack-whore friends and stealing money and library cards from people.
It's the price of addiction, be it to drugs or sweet, sweet oil, and it must be paid. It can be done with money or with a box of t-shirts that read "Arizona Cardinals! Superbowl Champions!" (they're collector's items).
But sometimes, if the planets and stars are aligned correctly and you printed out the e-coupon in time, the price can be paid by finding a hobbit in a parking lot and beating the shit out of him.
Shh! I think I see one now. Soon, I'll be covered in that thick black oil again…yes, that black goo…my precious.
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