2.20.06
First, let me pour some wine on the floor of my apartment for Yellow Tie, a determined terrorist whose only flaw was wanting to kill a bunch of Americans at a mall and not wanting to bring Mother Russia to her knees.
With a knife to the gut, we have a new bad man who can be classified as a "compassionate terrorist." He kills people, but cares. Just like George W. Bush.
Being compassionate also means apologizing for your subordinates when they want to have some fun and release a toxic gas in a public area.
Mr. President. Thank you for taking my call. We never meant to drop a deuce in the middle of the mall, especially during President's Day where there are a multitude of sales to take advantage of. We really just wanted to screw with the Russians.
Wait, what? He gave Bad Man #2 the Russian president's route? It didn't really take that much prying either. Not to mention Bug-Eyed seemed frightened by the cell phone.
"Mike! What is that!"
"It's a cell phone sir."
"Does it bite?"
"I hate you sir."
And of course, this intrigues our bug-eyed president. Who wouldn't want to screw with the Russians? The Cold War was so much fun. We got stellar movies (Red Dawn, Bachelor Party) and got away with saying "Don't be a Commie!" as an icebreaker at parties.
Maybe that's all Bug-Eyes wants, a retreat back to a simpler time when the enemy was weak and wasn't all up in their religion. I mean, the Russians loved vodka. I can understand and appreciate that.
Bug-Eyes' hidden agenda: Being a Canadian spy, sent to dispel the stereotype that our neighbors to the north aren't wimpy, strange looking, and afraid of talking to strangers on the phone…oh wait.
I don't think Novak likes Crazytown all that much. When she came in, he turned around and gave a sigh, apparently upset that his sausage party was broken up. This is odd since it's clear that Crazytown is the only person in that relationship who has a set of balls. You'd think Novak would recognize that.
Novak's hidden agenda: a 24/7 sausage party
But no, Novick would rather be with the guy who thinks it's cool to give terrorists the Russian president's motorcade route because "the security can handle it."
Did he not see the movie JFK? Doesn't he know the motorcade is like Duckhunt for terrorists? All you need is a strategically placed nail to take out the tire and shoot the shit out of the limo. It's really not that difficult. Sudan kids can do it drunk with their eyes closed.
Crazytown proves she has balls and gets into the death limo with the Bolshevik and his wife, hoping against hope that Bug-Eyed chooses love over Russian blood. She may have balls, but she lacks the brains. Nothing quenches the thirst for Russian blood. Nothing.
It's sad that the president feels that the only way out is to allow the terrorists to take out the Russian president and helping them in the process. This proves Rocky IV didn't teach anyone anything.
Sylvester Stallone's hidden agenda: World peace…one Rocky movie at a time
Goonie's sister, Crack Whore, has his keycard and he's super pissed. He should be more worried about the credit cards since a Crack Whore at the mall is also a threat to national security. It's probably why he wanted the gas to be released. A dead Crack Whore with an unused credit card in her hands is worth 800,000 people and a new Mercedes.
But Dwayne, Crack Whore's man, has a plan and is prime to handle the key card situation. I believe him. He had booze and orange juice on the table, which tells me he knows how to have fun, but also knows the value of vitamin C.
Since the keycard is gone and there's no way for Goonie to get it back, he takes it out on the co-workers and reverts back to grade-school mentality by telling on people and saying things like "You did that on purpose!"
He may as well act like that since he's getting treated like a 10-year-old. His sister won't give his toy back and the president just scolded him. Goonie doesn't need any more pressure at work. He needs a Popsicle and someone to kiss his mental boo-boo.
So because he's a Goonie on the warpath, he gets into everyone's face and even throws Old Man Buchanan into the time-out room after he suspects him and Audrey conspiring something.
"You're lucky your father is the Secretary of Defense, Miss Raines, so I can't do anything to you. However, Mr. Buchanan, your father was a wrinkled, transvestite whore. You go away now."
It's a shame that Goonie is acting like such a dick. If he could just be cool, he'd be in the loop and know there's a Governmental Stooge on the phone talking about nerve gas and that he can find it. But no, Goonie has to act like a Little Bitch…so that's what we'll call him.
And the only reason Old Man Buchanan did anything was because he felt out of the loop. According to Little Bitch, everyone has a hidden agenda but him. Hidden agendas, as I'm sure you now realize, are fun. I have a couple going on right now. They all involve me riding on a donkey with a flare gun. I can't say any more.
Old Man Buchanan's hidden agenda: keeping the gay inside of him
Again, Instant Messaging technology comes in handy when the Little Bitch around the office starts acting up.
Hot4Flash: hey, WTF is up wit lil' bitch?
DirtyOfficeDame: lol I know! I think he's trying to look down my shirt
Hot4Flash: gross! I think Edgar acts that way with me
DirtyOfficeDame: What's up with u 2?
Hot4Flash: He smells like cat food…and donuts
I love how the Stooge calls up Bauer and asks him to be his bodyguard. He probably knew of Bauer's hidden agenda, thanks to a well-placed business card in a local bar.
Jack Bauer: Man with Gun
For when everyone else you know is dead
Birthday Parties negotiable
213.KICK.ASS
I was so jealous when Stooge was getting the update from the Bauer that bad people were coming his way. I wish I could call Bauer whenever I had a problem.
Me: "Dude, I'm hungry."
Bauer: "You're not hungry enough. Go to the gym lard-ass"
Me: "Then what?"
Bauer: "Get peanut butter and sushi. Eat them at the same time."
Me: "But that sounds gross."
Bauer: "DO IT NOW!"
Bauer is the best bodyguard around. Who else can take a HELICOPTER down with a fucking pistol? I can't wait for Bauer to get old and lazy so I can see him running around LA with a missile launcher.
Too bad Stooge died, though he did get a quick feel from Bauer before he took off.
"Where is it!?"
"Um, in my pocket…a little to the left…oh yea."
The only thing missing was Whitney Houston's "I will Always Love You" and it would have been a Lifetime moment with Bauer. But, as Curtis found out, the Bauer doesn't do Lifetime moments.
The big guy tried to talk about feelings and said that he hoped Audrey and Jack would make it. That's girl talk. If a guy wants to talk like that, he should be obliterated and talking to a tree he thinks is his friend. If not, he'll just get knocked out and thrown into a bush.
But the Bauer knew Curtis would be safe. A passed-out black guy in LA in a bush isn't anything to be scared of. It's like a passed-out white guy in Vermont in a bush. Everyone's too afraid to touch them.
And besides, they share the same hidden agenda: being drunk.
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