The Anti-Bauer

4 p.m. to 5 p.m.
2.27.06

Most men hate breaking up with women. We aren't programmed to handle it and would rather act like dicks or assholes to make women dump us instead (this is why video games, porn, and sweatpants were created).

Even with a sure-fire way out like she showed up with bad breath or terrorists are threatening to blow up the limo she's in, men will still hesitate to go through with it.

President Bug-Eyes has the chance to be free and is in a position to reap the benefits of being a president who is also a bachelor (imagine the mayhem if ClinTONE wasn't tied down. It'd be a different and sexier world).

But maybe it isn't about him wanting to get rid of her. Maybe it's because Crazytown has pulled out the ultimate test out of the special edition of Cosmo and instigated the "love test."

By saving Crazytown from the limo, Bug-Eyes will prove to her that he loves her…and that may be too hard to swallow.

"Aaron…did he change our route?"
"No ma'am. He did send chocolates and a card that reads 'See you in Hell' though."

Aaron, the red-headed Bauer. Never piss off a redhead or you'll die by fire. Actually, it's your own fault for bringing the entire Grand Theft Auto arsenal with you to take out an unarmed limo. Rocket Launchers? Machine guns? Flame throwers?

I'm surprised they didn't have booby traps around the street where some guy blew a horn and an Ewok pushed a boulder onto the car. They should have learned from the master. George Lucas doesn't mess around, especially with terrorism.

Who is messing around is the Boy Named Lynn (Listen to Cash's a Boy Named Sue and, like I did in the shower, you'll finally understand why the Goonie was named after a girl). He was angry and with good reason.

"I've been embarrassed enough today thank you. I don't need to be told about a phantom terrorist threat cooked up by Scowl Face and Fat Lisp over there."

(For real? I never gave Chloe and Edgar nicknames? Shameful…)

Oh, but you're wrong Boy Named Lynn. There are so many other ways to be embarrassed at CTU. Your Schitzo daughter can commit suicide, your dad can belittle you in front of everyone, you can be fat, you can be followed into the girl's bathroom, and you can be charged with the always mysterious and scary Section 112.

Section 112 can be invoked if someone at CTU can't mentally handle their job or if they fire the attractive IT chic named Keri. In Boy Named Lynn's case, he did both and in the world of CTU, that's like robbing a guy and then doing donuts on his lawn with his car.

With Boy Named Lynn gone, it brings back Old Man Buchanan and an immediate re-instatement of Hot Girl Keri and warning the secret service that some bad shit is about to go down to the Commies and Crazytown.

And now Bug-Eyes will have to deal with something worse than a terrorist threat: a wife who is convinced you don't love her. I guess that uncomfortable prayer time with Novick accomplished nothing but another awkward story to tell at Camp David.
If anything, Bug-Eyes now has the title for his memoir.

God @&$%! Hates Me By President Charles Logan

(Random: 24 the game is out! Goodbye sleep, hellooooo insomnia)

The cloak and dagger shit at CTU was fun though while Boy Named Lynn was going nutso, especially when Fat Lisp got involved.

Sheryl Crow: "Edgar come with me?"
Fat Lisp: "Am I in trouble?"
Sheryl Crow: "You're fat. You're constantly in trouble. Eat some fruit man or take a shit once in a while."

Fat Lisp is acting like a child, thinking he's being called to the corner so he can get spanked, just like in grade school. Since he's acting like a child, it's no surprise that Sheryl Crow and Scowl Face had to spell everything out for him by talking slowly and using words he could understand like "Jack," "help," and "computer."

All this just so Jack could enter the building covertly under the boring fake name of "John Barrie." If they're gonna give him a fake name, why can't it be something fun like "Jack Meoff" and have Jack turn to the camera, mouth the name again, and move his fist up and down.

At least Scowl Face got it down in time while Sheryl Crow ran interference with Boy Named Lynn. Why the hell is he so pissed off? Oh that's right. He lost his precious keycard and it calls to him in his mind. It was his…and they tooks it away from him!

(Sean Astin is a never-ending barrel of hilarity. I haven't even touched Encino Man or B.R.A.T. Patrol yet)

Apparently I was wrong. Inbred Canadians don't make nerve gas in the mountains with a wooden spoon. It's made by companies like OMOCRON (or something like that) and sold. Which is why Jack is busting into the building. That, and he wants to check in on an old friend who, in typical Bauer-school form, greets Jack with a stun gun while hiding behind the door.

Welcome Christopher Henderson, the Anti-Bauer. He was the man who first recruited Jack, only to be brought up on charges of selling secret files by his protégé. Only the man who taught Bauer could ever go up against him properly.

Sidenote: Only the doubly badass actor who portrayed Robocop and taught at Syracuse University (Peter Weller) could be tapped to take Bauer on. That's how Orangemen roll.

The Anti-Bauer is sly. He gave Jack his gun, brought him to the bunker where the gas is made, and then yelled at him for not believing in him. Then he ran away because he needed to find IT people. Jack is stupid. IT people can't do anything for anyone except shake their head and turn the computer off and on.

But Jack made up for his lapse of judgement. Only he would find the hidden bomb in the metal folder, place it near the locked door, and hide under the floor.

It's Season 5 and Jack has finally met his match. The Anti-Bauer has all the military talent of Jack, but none of the civic pride. And let's not forget that he can probably still fit into that Robocop suit.

Let the cat and mouse game begin.