The Smell of Fear

2 p.m. to 3 p.m.
2.13.06

For a couple of weeks now there has been chatter on the Internet that Kim Bauer was to make an appearance on the show. Where is she? Did she get lost? Is she trapped in closet that has been turned around so the doors are facing the wall? And, most importantly, do I care?

Maybe KB shows up as a corpse, sending Bauer into an even more frenzied state, allowing for even crazier antics such as poking people's eyes out and skipping out on a bill at Outback Steakhouse.

Something better happen soon because, like every man in American, I don't like being told that a blonde will show up and then have to wait two to three hours for her to get there. Next time, I'm just gonna order the redhead special with a side of depravity.

It must have felt like high school again for the Goonie, coming back from the parking lot after just getting beaten for his lunch money. He still doesn't realize his card is missing, but that's because it's setting us up for the biggest plot twist of the year.

Since Goonie can't control Bauer, he's replaced by the Prez by someone who is more qualified: the crackhead who beat him down. Why? Because he can handle himself around government officials (he beat one down, remember?) and he's got the card, which technically, is all the government needs to see.

Hey now, he's got the card. Get that man a desk and some government benefits. And some crack. Lots and lots of crack.

Why do terrorists travel in vehicles like ugly blue vans? Whenever I see a van or a Geo on the road, I immediately think that a terrorist or an IRS agent is driving it right before I run it off the side of the road and throw a molotov cocktail at it. I hate doing taxes.

If they just drove around in pickup trucks with a "Say it in English" bumper sticker, no one would be the wiser. They'd probably have more friends too.

That sucks that Mrs. Traitor had to pick up her dead husband all by herself. For the White House to expect a grieving woman to carry the dead Traitor out to the car is horrible. Even more embarrassing is the fact that Novick wrote "Cock Boy" on Traitor's forehead with a Sharpie. Never give Novick a Sharpie. He'll tag you all, especially after some Jack Daniels.

And as if carrying out the dead and vandalized body of your husband wasn't enough, Crazytown wanted to rub salt in the wound by telling the truth. She was in such a manic state that I was expecting her to hold up a picture of Walt, point to it, and yell "Bad man!" like a two-year-old.

Politics isn't about truth telling. If she's so hell-bent on telling the American people the truth, then she should make a cardboard sign and sit on the sidewalk with the rest of the bums asking for change. The Democrats are always looking for new members. And if she feels the need to get nutty again, I'm sure Michael Moore could use an intern and a hotdog with extra spicy mustard.

"But the president's job is to tell the truth!"

No it isn't Crazytown. His job is to answer the red phone and to make sure there's enough beer and coke in the mini-fridge...that's it.

Random thought: I bet every single American president has uttered the words: "That's really gonna piss off my wife" while in office. Except Nixon. He was the devil. His wife was a robot.

Shouldn't it worry the US government that Jack can so easily be taken in as a terrorist? It's not like these guys will just accept anyone into their tribe. They can sense if you're down with terrorism just like a fat kid can tell if you've got candy in your pocket.

But Bauer could never hurt the children. Only truly evil people can do that, which is why Goonie didn't look at the children when Sheryl Crow was egging him on. As long as good people don't see children, they can do anything bad and call it "acceptable damage." Children can thwart terrorism (dead kids are bad) and pre-teen sex (annoying kids are bad).

"Whatever happens, Bauer can handle it."

Does CTU even try anymore? It seems like they're an extension of the 24 audience with all of them sitting around the table and yelling "Holy shit! Can't believe Bauer did that!" There's five of them in the room and no one thought to check the remote trigger for the tracking device?

I wonder how many times Bauer has woken up on the floor and been handcuffed to a table. I'd be willing to bet it's a common occurrence for him, probably on par with the times regular people find a penny on the ground.

Dammit. On the floor again. Means time to kill.

And did Bauer just rip the wires out of the death canister? You can do that? These canisters are definitely from the US where ripping out wires can turn things off (gas) or on (car).

No one listens to intercom announcements. It could be about a loose gorilla in the food court and people wouldn't care. I think it's because we don't like some mysterious voice telling us what to do. But a guy running around with a gas mask on is a different story.

There's nothing more frightening than seeing a man running around the mall wearing a gas mask. Not only is he running away from something, but the gas mask tells us that the smell of fear is somewhere in the area. And if you've ever smelled fear, you know much it smells like rotten eggs.

The only other thing that could have gotten people moving faster is seeing Cheney wielding a shotgun and screaming "It's coming straight for us!" as his hand twitches and shakes.

Again, the dark side of terrorism easily seduces President Bug Eyes, though in his defense, there were no pictures of children in the room to remind him that killing is wrong. Or maybe he purposely took those pictures out so he wouldn't be distracted from having fun.

What? Dead people at the mall! NO! Oh, it'll lead to more canisters. I'll send Cheney and that rookie Alito to finish the job.

The gas was supposed to be released for the greater good, which I can't agree more with. It's never good to let the gas stew. Doing so creates a bloated feeling and within time the pressure inside of you will paramount to a certain level and then BLAM, you fly into a wall because your ass just blew apart and there's all sorts of brown spots on the floor.

Always set the gas free, for the sake of humanity and your ass.