All the President's Men

10 p.m. to 11 p.m.
4.3.06

Crazy shit always happens on this show and the audience is always asked to take some things with a grain of salt. For instance, I can believe that Jack could have braved the inferno in a squad car. I can even believe that he simply walked out of said inferno with nothing more than a dirty face and a half-alive Warlock on his back.

But nothing could prepare me for what I saw last night on 24. The Freedom Satchel, Jack's trusty sidekick, survived the inferno. That's almost as crazy as seeing Florida win by a blowout. (Stupid bracket. Every year you cause me nothing but misery and pain. And screw you UCLA for sucking so bad).

Though he wasn't scared in the inferno, Bauer is scared now because he thinks the entire day is bigger than anyone ever imagined. Jack Bauer doesn't get scared. What he thinks is fear is probably just heartburn. A couple of Pepcid AC pills should do the trick. (Now everyone's in trouble. They've upset Bauer's stomach).

Aaron and Wayne "The Pain" Palmer have survived the attack in the woods and were able to drive off in a car. They took the normal seating arrangements when a red-headed man and a black man are in an SUV together. Red's up front, black is crumpled up in the trunk and stowed away…to hide the shame.

The "super secret special present" for Aaron from the late David Palmer was nothing more than The Pain expounding on emails from a source within the White House. Aaron must have been pissed. He was promised presents and he a gunfight in the woods. If the Pain lives through this, he's gonna have to bring Aaron to Red Lobster to make up for everything. He should take him there anyway. Redheads love the lobster.

The source in the White House is Crazytown's assistant, Mulan (those cigarettes have really calmed Crazytown down. Maybe I should start smoking…) The Pain confronts Mulan and learns that she does know everything, but won't say anything until she gets her daughter back. Anti-Bauer has kidnapped her and is holding her hostage for the evidence.

It had to be coming. It's been too long since someone on 24 was kidnapped this season and at least it's a little girl and not some raving lunatic screaming about killer animals in the woods (You stop making fun of me now!-Kim Bauer).

The Pain explained to Mulan that she and her daughter have the mark of death because they know too much. Mulan doesn't go along with it until Red explains everything again, but uses less emotion and more concise words. Now he should get Red Lobster and a piggyback ride from the Pain.

Bauer is down with Operation Not Without My Daughter and has called CTU for assistance. However, CTU is getting replaced by Homeland Security because their last office was recently turned into a Starbucks/KFC combo store. They have everything Americans need, extreme caffeine and 99 cent chicken sandwiches.

Apparently, all the federal grants to Homeland went into hiring younger and prettier versions of all of us. For Scowl Face we get a random blonde girl who dresses better and moves her arms when she walks.

CTU just saved the world again, pushing them over the billion mark in terms of lives saved (they refuse to release the figure of lives lost, maimed, or ruined by CTU). It also means that Pseudo Glenn Close is feeling funny about the situation. But the Creep has a plan to convince someone to speak out against Old Man Buchanan about how crazy he was today.

I really thought they were gonna use Sexual Harassment Sheri to get Old Man Buchanan out. Why else would they litter last week's episode with the maddening "I can't believe he touched my back-hair. That's wrong" dialogue.

But no, they went to Sheryl Crow because she's DOD and warned her that her father's good name need not be dragged through the mud. This means the writers just threw that sexual harassment shit in my face arbitrarily. Unless Old Man Buchanan comes storming back and sexually harasses everyone with a weird dance and a metal pole, I'm gonna be super pissed.

Why does Homeland want the CTU hub so badly? Did the government spend too much money on hiring people and simply forget to buy a physically place for these people to work? They seemed to get there awfully quick and were eager to get to desks.

"We have desks here! No more securing the homeland in bars anymore!"

Those fools. Bars are the best place to secure the homeland because it's usually the place where terrorists plan to attack the US. That and the bathroom. You'll be surprised what people can think of after a case of explosive diarrhea (Hey, let's bomb something! Maybe use gas…gas that smells bad).

Jack needs Scowl Face and because of that, Sheryl Crow signs the document saying that Old Man Buchanan was crazy, forcing him out of play. He leaves solemnly and with only a long, hard stare at Sheryl Crow. She has become his new nemesis, which allows his old nemesis, Ryan Seacrest, to breathe easier now, at least for a little while.

The Pain and Mulan are on their way to meet with Bauer inside an abandoned barn off the road. Mulan admits that she trusted Palmer with her information and didn't think he would get killed. She should have just kept the info to herself and let it out at the appropriate time, like the office Christmas party where she can drunkenly stumble up to people and say "Guess who's bad in bed and plotting against this country?"

Inside the barn, The Pain hears someone drive up, but grows scared when he doesn't seem someone come in the front. The Pain is silly for not knowing the Bauer is a backdoor kind of guy. I guess if he were a chic, he would have known that.

The Anti-Bauer wants to trade the child for the info Mulan has. He's totally getting ripped off. One healthy child in Japan can get you a new car and a couple hundred Xbox 360s. If that child is a boy, it comes with a house that has no grudge and a free maid service.

The Pain wants to enlist in the One Man Army that is Bauer, but is shot down because shooting people in video games or in Marine training isn't the same as shooting people in real life (then my mother was right. I am completely useless to the US military). The Pain doesn't want to hear it. He wants revenge for his dead brother. And since revenge is the only language Bauer understands, the Pain is allowed to tag along.

Anti-Bauer has holed up in an industrial plant and has surrounded the area with guards. Bauer shoots two of them with a silencer and with two shots each. One to kill, the other for rage. Bauer then takes out the sniper and with this handy knife from the Freedom Satchel that refuses to die. He stabs the radio which helps to disguise his voice to Anti-Bauer with bad reception.

I'm gonna start carrying a knife with me and every time something bad happens, I'm going to stab inanimate objects until the situation rights itself. Tonight I went Bauer on a cantaloupe and my interest rate on my student loan went down.

Mulan shows up, gets her daughter, and Bauer shoots everyone in the head with his sniper rifle. Everyone except Anti-Bauer since he wasn't close enough to dispatch his former mentor with something clever like "And now the student has become the master" or "You're wife can't cook."

Anti-Bauer drives away and Mulan uses her Asian powers to divert all the bullets from the discarded machine gun away from her and her daughter. When crouched down and filled with fear, Asians can divert bullets and order pizza from the local Papa John's at the same time.

Now that Mulan has her daughter, she's allowed to expose who was the big mastermind behind the day's events to Bauer.

"Is it the vice president? Tell me now! I just made a bet with my bookie that it's the VP to make up for my NCAA bracket. Who was it!?"

The Evil Twin had nothing to do with it and Bauer is going to end up owing his bookie three large at the end of the day (season six will be about Bauer scoring big in Vegas and just letting it ride for 24 hours as he gets loaded with strippers and hoes). It was President Bug-Eyed.

WHAT??!?

It ends with Bug-Eyed talking to Anti-Bauer on the phone about dealing with the Bauer and The Pain problem they now had on their hands. I can't wait for the writers to explain to me how a guy who couldn't think straight during a crisis and whose biggest anti-terrorism initiative was to kneel and pray is somehow connected to terrorism.

And since anything is possible plotwise, I fully expect an army of Robocops to fill the street, leaving Bauer and the Pain to deal with them all. It's time to throw reason and logic out the window and smack yourself with a hammer.