The Politics of Survival

4 a.m. to 5 a.m.
5.15.06

The recording, the main focus for about five episodes, was deemed worthless because it was empty. Five episodes down the drain because Miles, the evil mole, used Homeland Security voodoo to erase whatever was on the recording.

Actually, according to the episode guide on the 24 website, the Evil Mole used a "black device" that he placed next to the recording. I don't know what the "black device" is and feel more comfortable calling it "voodoo" until I hear otherwise. That's not true. I call any black inanimate object "voodoo."

Bauer is also pissed that five episodes were wasted. He stormed into the main area with a guard following and calling out "Mr. Bauer" to try to stop him from grabbing Evil Mole by the neck.

Bauer's reaction: turning around and punching said CTU guard in the gut
Reason: That's how Bauer says "Leave me alone." Ask Kim. She used to get punched in the gut all the time.

Evil Mole did it to gain entrance in the hallowed halls of the White House, where he can put his evil schemes to work for the most corrupt government in the world. He just wants to join the party.

With the recording gone, Logan has dismissed the charges on Bauer, thanks to new evidence he obtained from the Presidential Ouija Board, which is how most lawmakers make big decisions. Rumor has it, it's how Bush decided to let go of the "Catch and Release" plan for illegal immigrants and switching it to "Operation Open Arms." As predicted, each new citizen will be given a copy of Journey's Greatest Hits with an American flag.

Logan is also trying to tie up loose ends, which means finding Aaron, the Sentinel, and seeing if he's cool with what went on today. Since he went missing, Aaron has apparently been tortured, either by being beaten or by being force-fed blood. Both suck hard.

Logan: "So in exchange for your silence, I'll transfer you to whatever post you want. Except Hawaii."
The Sentinel: "You are a traitor and a disgrace to this office. Is that it…Charles?"
Logan: "…You really wanted Hawaii, didn't you?"

Logan should be worried. Secret Service agents only use first names with drinking buddies and dead men. Logan is in danger of being the latter. Because of the outburst of subordination, Logan gives the glance of death (it's not as long as the look of death, but just as effective) and the Secret Service drone goes back to kill the Sentinel.

As the drone brings the Sentinel into the garage, Crazytown shows up. She was trying to kill herself on a smoke break because she couldn't get the child protective cap off her bottle of Kill Pills.

She sees her beloved Sentinel and shoots the drone after he gets kicked in the leg. Crazytown and the Sentinel share a moment in the dirty garage. If the Sentinel hadn't been tortured, they probably would have gotten it on…which is all Crazytown is looking for. Dirty sex with a man instead of the boring weepy sex she has with Logan.

Instead of sex, the Sentinel doing something else that's just as fun. He's implementing the Bauer Plan, which is to convince everyone that you're dead, hide in a closet, and jump out at the appropriate time, preferably in the middle of a sneeze. No one likes being surprised, especially in mid-sneeze. They hurt more that way.

But there's a new threat and until that is taken care of, no one can have sex (except Bauer. He has sex whenever he wants). Warlock has escaped and has a secondary terrorist strike. It involves one last death can, but instead of using it to kill people, he's using it to commandeer a Russian submarine capable of launching warheads into a city.

Just as Alec Baldwin said in "Hunt for the Red October," this type of situation is "Not good." (This is Alec Baldwin. I didn't say that. And my ex wife is a slut-bag whore who sucks in bed. I'm talking Fran Drescher bad)

There were no satellites or drunken witnesses to Warlock's escape, so CTU 2.0 (now back in the old office) has no leads to go on, forcing them to cut a deal with Anti-Bauer for information on Warlock.

"NO! NO! NO!"

That was Bauer. He doesn't even want to see it written in the blog. The only thing that convinces him to deal with Anti-Bauer is Old Man Buchanan playing the "What Would David Palmer Do?" card.

"ARGH! You're right. That bastard would have wanted to protect the country. But I want to kill. Right now."

Settle down Bauer. It'll come in due time. Anti-Bauer is hanging out in the Bauer Playpen. He knows they want to offer him a deal of immunity, but he doesn't want that. He wants to use the Bauer Plan, which is to disappear completely and live off the grid. It's now one of the more attractive options for retirement.

Anti-Bauer: "I want to take my wife and disappear like you did to avoid the Chinese. Only I'll be smarter. I'll leave the country and I won't order take-out all the time."
Bauer: "I had a coupon dammit. It was going to expire."
Anti-Bauer: "Those chicken wings have made you weak, my son."

This is what Anti-Bauer calls the Politics of Survival and, apparently, it's how the world really works. Through some extensive research (drank more beer), I discovered the major points in the Politics of Survival

1. Use Terrorism: Either for good or evil. Whoever gets killed wasn't meant to survive
2. Torture Cleanses the Soul: Works better than coffee and a bran muffin
3. Disappear at the End of the Day: This is "personal time." Use it wisely
4. Record your Conversations: To be used as blackmail. Also to hear the majesty of your voice

Bauer eventually agrees to the deal, but only if he gets Warlock's head on a plate. Not only has he had a long day, but he's pretty hungry. He usually prefers garnish, but under the circumstances, he'll take it as is.

This leads to the Alliance, Bauer and Anti-Bauer working as one, despite the fact they distrust each other completely and possess no feelings of camaraderie. The Alliance comes forth with 14 names of people Warlock would contact. Only one has a cell phone and is on the Cingular Wireless plan, which means he knows technology and he can't be trusted (no one with Cingular can be trusted).

His name is Molina and he is the Tech God. He has the latest version of Firefox, the best firewalls in the business, and never buys music, movies or porn. Why can't Scowl Face find a guy like this?

In fact, his firewall (Phoenix Shield) is so good, that if you try to hack into it, it blows up your computer and kicks your dog in the face. If you don't have a dog, it finds the nearest dog in the area. Tech God hates dogs.

The Alliance shows up at Molina's and Anti-Bauer is going in. As he steps into the Tech God cave, he immediately sells out Bauer and CTU by saying that he's been sent there to bring him in and that Tech God should erase everything he has. This upsets Bauer (remember, he's hungry. Still wants Warlock's head on a plate) and he sends his men in.

Curtis gets hit (let's hope it was a personality bullet) and the entire place is raided. Anti-Bauer shakes his head.

Anti-Bauer: "I had him. Thirty more seconds and I would have had him."
Bauer: "You had nothing."
Anti-Bauer: "Dude, the firewall was down. You had your chance to sneak a peek. Now it's gone. Loser."

Anti-Bauer was right. Like a teenage girl using no using birth control, Tech God's computer was wide open and susceptible to unwanted penetration. Bauer, blinded by his own rage, made a mistake. And now he wants to kill Anti-Bauer even more. No one fools Bauer and definitely not twice in a 24-hour period.

It doesn't matter. Warlock gets to the Russian Sub, AKA The Widowmaker, and releases his one last death can into its belly. This should have been the plan all along. Everyone knows it's a lot more fun to launch missiles into the air than releasing gas. It's like launching spitballs instead of farting. Both are fun, but where spitballs hit a certain target, farting can hurt you too.