Landing Gears: Catalysts of Confusion

3 a.m. to 4 a.m.
5.8.06

I thought he was dead. He took a nose dive off the road and landed upside down, but now Curtis is saying that Papa Heller is alive and recovering.

Curtis: "It's good news."

No it's not. It’s horrible news. That means the funniest death of the season doesn't even count anymore (it used to rival the CTU security guard taking a big gasp of infected air, saying "we're going to be ok!" and slumping over in a slobbery mess).

Apparently Papa Heller had the same Marine training as David Blaine, who is still trying to find a creative way to die (I really thought he had a winner this time).

With the car filled with water, Papa held his breath, probably roamed around the car for loose change, and then swam up to the surface. He was eventually picked up by one of Curtis' teams who got lost on the way to the In and Out burger for a late night snack.

After hours of running around doing grunt work, Cutis finally has an assignment: Bring Jack Bauer into CTU. He's had this mission before and he sucks at it. If you can't drive a man back to a certain building, you aren't even qualified to be a taxi driver, let alone be allowed to carry a gun.

Graham Cracker, Logan's go-to guy, has faked a VCI signal that basically tells anyone with a radio that the hi-jacked plane is now being turned into a missile. There are other signals like MCI, which means the pilot is frustrated and in a bad mood and TNA, which means the pilot wants a cup of coffee and a blowjob.

Logan doesn't want to shoot the plane out of the sky, but Graham Cracker reminds him of prison and how much it sucks getting ass-rammed by a man named Bubba in the joint. So for the good of the country, Logan decides to sacrifice Bauer and 50 innocent people because he still hasn't hit his presidential quota for deaths in a day (it's at least 70. If he hits 100, he gets a special t-shirt from Homeland Security that says "Gacy Ain't got Shit on Me")

Novick is troubled by everything, but has gotten softer in his old age. Instead of bickering with the president, he resorts to engaging Logan in staring contests. When Logan isn't around, Novick just stares at the floor, looking for answers and eventually wondering if he should buy new shoes.

CTU 2.0 has now moved to a conference room within CTU 1.0 and is housing Old Man Buchanan, Scowl Face, and K Hay. Creepy Miles doesn't like being out of the loop and calls K Hay from the floor demanding to know what's going on. Scowl Face and Old Man say it's a bad idea, but K Hay sees Miles as a loyal dog and feels she needs to tell him.

She brings him into the CTU halls of truth (truth can't be exposed on the main floor. It turns into folklore within seconds) and lays everything on him. Miles freaks out, but eventually agrees to keep things moving slowly.

Bauer has his gun to the pilot and only yells at him. Since Air Bauer is about to be shot down, they find a landing area that is around 5,000 feet, which happens to be freeway 118.

Pilot: "That's not long enough."
Bauer: "That's what she said…NOW FLY THE DAMN PLANE!" (ah the Bauer wit).

The military is trained to react to all sorts of different situations. But when they see landing gears, everyone starts freaking out.

F18: "The plane is in target. I have missile lock. Whoa! The landing gear is down! What's going on?! This doesn't look good. Nah, it doesn't look good at all."
Logan: "You take that shot! It doesn't get any prettier than that!"
F18: "I'll take the shot when I'm goddamn good and ready!" (cue "Danger Zone"…now)

Is it gonna land? Are they fucking with us? What is up with those landing gears? Essentially, it means that if you fire on a plane with landing gears, you are shooting a plane that could have been landing. It could have also been heading toward a residential neighborhood and felt that landing gears could cause more damage.

Despite all the last minute confusion, the plane lands on freeway 118 safely, without crashing into anything (boo!). With everyone running out the back, Bauer decides to live out a childhood fantasy and escape from the side of the plane and sliding off the wing (weeee!).

Curtis finally doesn't something right and pulls around the area where Bauer is hiding. The Marines are too focused on making sure people aren't falling off the ass-part of the plane to notice a man with a Freedom Satchel running across the runway and leaping over a fence.

When a person is still awake past 3 a.m. they either become hungry or suicidal. Since Bauer has the recording back at CTU with the Attorney General awaiting to hear it, Logan has figured that the best option for him is to blast his head off with the presidential suicide gun (it's silver, shiny, and each of the bullets are engraved with the word "Nixon").

But before he offs himself, he figures he should talk to Crazytown, to remind himself just how much life would suck if he stuck around. He also needs a drink, partly for courage and partly because all dead men deserve one last meal. I personally would have been thinking Arby's in that situation.

Again, Bauer and Sheryl Crow think it's safe again to share a lifetime moment where he sits on the end of her bed and kisses her kneecap. She smiles and he fondles her leg some more. Romantic Bauer freaks me out.

As always, their happiness is premature because in the midst of the love there is hate growing. And that hate is in the bowels of Warlock, who has woken up from his nap (he apparently slept on only the left side of his body) and is now being transferred by CTU drones and one friend truck driver. What evil schemes does Warlock have planned and, more importantly, do they involve a potato gun? I'm assuming they must since he's all out of weapons and men.

Logan is about to implant the Nixon bullet into his brain when he hears the phone ring and it distracts him. Logan likes loud sounds and after being told the call is about Bauer, is compelled to pick it up.

On the other end is Creepy Miles, pledging allegiance to the president in the hope of getting a better job in the future, or at least a better desk. Creepy now plans to use his powers of creepiness to gain presidential favor and allows Logan to save his Nixon bullet for another day. It also gives Logan another chance to get some late-night Arby's.