The Bauer Boys

11 am. to Noon
1.29.07

Tempers were running high with The Bauer as global terrorism took a backseat to family strife and Jack had a reunion with a giant that turned out to be his father.

Seriously, what leprechaun did Papa Bauer bang to have two sons that barely come up to his waist? Maybe if he bagged a supermodel or a giraffe Graem wouldn’t have grown up with a Napoleon complex. He’d have hair and a name that wasn’t picked by a cross-eyed gypsy.

Napoleon is so wimpy that Jack breaks him with a plastic bag. That’s it. The same thing that holds used condoms on a Friday night is all Bauer needed to get to his brother. He probably could have just threatened to shart in his face and that would have been enough.

K Hay and Tom Boy were going at it after Palmer 2.0’s speech to the American people. Tom Boy is sick of K Hay butting heads with him all the time and described her as an “obstacle,” which, as I’ve learned from The Amazing Race, means that he sees K Hay as a large dead cow blocking the road to sweet, sweet freedom and a warm bath.

Nevertheless, K Hay fires back with liberal babble like “What are you smoking?” and “Do you want to get in the ring with me?” When Tom Boy blackmailed her into resigning, I’m surprised she didn’t let out the Dean Scream and tear off her shirt.

Instead, as liberals usually are, she was shamed by her past and forced to leave. With her gone, Tom Boy now has the chance to put every brown person in America into a permanent “time-out” as a “preparatory measure.” That’s conservative lingo for “You can just giiiiiittt out.”

K Hay is now headed back to CTU in LA so she can take out her frustration over Tom Boy with Old Man Buchanan and wild monkey sex. Ugh. I’d rather be dead than touch old balls, but that’s me.

Tom Boy had help from his assistant played by Chad Lowe, who is essentially playing himself in the show. He’s the guy, behind the guy, behind the guy who sharted. I can’t wait to see him cry without Hilary Swank provoking him. I know he can do it. I believe in the Lowe even if strange-looking, forgetful women don’t.

The final rumble that rounds out this trifecta of rage belongs to Stache (Milo) and Sexy (girl Muslim working at CTU) fighting off injustice, which is hard since the weapons of injustice are racial profiling and whoopee cushions.

Because Sexy has brown in her, she’s been red-flagged by Homeland Security, which means she can only access her files after saying the Lord’s Prayer three times in a mirror. If a bomb doesn’t go off anywhere in the world, she’s allowed to continue…for now.

Old Man Buchanan: “You knew this would happen when you came here to work.”
Sexy: “But I thought that was only for ugly girls.”
Old Man Buchanan: “Either get back to work or make me a falafel sandwich. Actually, I’ll take a belly dance too.”

Stache defends Sexy by telling the Old Man that she’s a republican. Old Man grunts, mumbles, and tells Stache to go away. Stache keeps Sexy’s red-flagged secret and even allows her to work under his login. He’s opened a door to bang another CTU girl. Well played Stache, well played.

The only person who actually gets physical is Walid, who is working with the government as he tries to see if the other browns in “time-out” are terrorists. He swipes a cell phone from one of the detainees and calls this number: 310.597.3781.

For those that don’t know, that is the number for the 24 Phone. It was revealed during season 4 and legend has it that some people got to talk to cast and crew members when they called. All you get now is a message that the mailbox is full. I hear Kiefer Sutherland calls it drunk all the time and yells about his dad and Christmas trees.

It turns out Walid’s brown detainee friends are nothing but posers and is quickly beaten up when it’s discovered that he was the one who swiped the cell phone. Expect Ghetto Sassy to be extra annoying in the coming weeks as she flexes her liberal muscles and starts to wave her finger as she talks.

As all of this is going on, a British guy is driving all over the LA area with an annoying blonde whore trying to find someone to fix the trigger on the old-school Soviet suitcase bomb that was constructed by scientists trashed on vodka.

For some reason, he can’t find anyone and Bald is getting upset. So is blonde whore, but that’s because whore island, where she’s from, was just blasted by a nuke.

After the bag torture, Napoleon confessed to being somewhat responsible for the nukes in the country. They bought it from a soviet general and those nukes were stolen…or given away as door prizes during Napoleon’s “Terrorism, Bluetooth, Glasses, Yay God!” conference.

Bauer and Napoleon arrive at an office building where a Darrin McCarthy works. The Bauer Brothers are a lot like The Hardy Boys without all the sexual tension. He’s the guy that handled the sale of the nukes…or something. I don’t care. No one died in this episode and I’m bored.

Here is where we finally meet the tall glass of water that is Papa Bauer. He too is looking for McCarthy and is trying to fix Napoleon’s mess. Jack yells at dad. Papa yells back. Napoleon comes back with a gun, sentences them all to death, and instructs his drones to “call me when it’s over.” I say the same thing when someone I know is watching Geraldo At Large.

Not to worry friends. Papa Bauer was the infamous Farmer Hoggett in another life and trained a pig for rescue situations. Sure, the pig has a wooden leg now, but, as Uncle John says, a pig like that, you don’t eat all at once.