In the Company of Bauers

Noon to 1 p.m.
2.5.07

The Bauer finally experienced the great American tradition that is the family reunion. And, like all reunions, it included yelling, sadistic torture, whiney kids, guns, and someone saying a poorly timed “I love you” that creeps everyone out.

The reunion started off with a bang as Papa Bauer and Jack (they’re team fighting name is PB and J) issued a beating to the two thugs ordered to kill them in an abandoned construction site. The last time this father and son played with each other outside was when Jack was 12 and Papa was teaching him how to kill a bear with a baseball bat. Hint: the key is to swing. Really hard.

Napoleon had turned against them and, as punishment, is now surrounded by CTU thanks to Jack calling Old Man Buchanan, who doesn’t seem that fazed about the family feud going on in the Bauer camp.

Maybe that’s because his wife just called and told him she quit her job so that she could spend more time at his job. That’ll send any man’s emotions into a nasty tailspin with suicidal dreams.

Napoleon is dealing with a suspicious wife and a whiney son who wails “All you do is fight.” That fool. It’s a blessing to see your parents fight. The alternative is to see them get it on and that will give you stomach pains and psychological problems for years.

Just as the reunion was beginning to lag, Jack incorporated a Mexican stand-off, a popular choice at reunions to liven up the party. Here we have Bauer vs Bauer, only Jack has an army behind him and Napoleon has back sweat. Napoleon relents and is taken back to his den where a torture technician and an “interrogation kit” are waiting for him.

Jack wants to know the location of McCarthy, the brit who would rather indulge in international terrorism than bang a whore. Either she’s really bad in bed or McCarthy saw his parents bump uglies. See? Totally screws you up.

Napoleon has been retrained and is being threatened by his big brother with a serum that makes it feel like your penis is splitting in half and your balls are getting crushed…at the same time. Jack isn’t getting the answers he wants, so Napoleon gets the pain, all for Papa to see on surveillance.

The torture is coupled with Jack whispering into Napoleon’s ear with “It’ll be ok, just tell me what I want to hear. Shhh…breathe baby” and “You tell me now what I need to know or your balls go squish now!” Getting whispered and yelled at within seconds of each other is only cool during sex, otherwise it’s just frightening.

Just before Napoleon’s penis turns into a flower (or a festive button, depending on your sick mind), he screams out that he was behind the assassination of Palmer 1.0 and the deaths of CTU agents Tony and Michelle. He explains he did it to get Jack out of hiding so that he could pin the murders on him. He caps it off by saying “I did it because I love this country…I’m just like you Jack!”

No one is like Jack. If someone tries to be like him, he sets them on fire.

With the pistol aimed at his brother’s head, Jack is ready to empty his entire clip into Napoleon’s brain. Only he’s stopped by the paternal and scolding glare from his father in the hallway. It’s Christmas morning all over again and Jack stops trying to kill his brother as Papa Bauer walks away without saying a word.

As Jack sits in a corner and wishes he was adopted, CTU has conveniently picked up a conversation between McCarthy and Bald about a new engineer that can re-trigger the ancient commie nukes. McCarthy sent a photo of said engineer to Bald and it’s intercepted by CTU, allowing Bundy to filter through the message to see the photo.

It took a while, but McCarthy finally found the ad he was looking for on Craigslist:

RETRIGGER BOMBS 4 CHEAP (LA)
Any bomb, any time. If it involves imminent death of thousands, I will have to be coerced (I’m cool with killing hundreds). Cash or woman’s shoes accepted as payment. Am open to covert recruiting, as long as it gets me out of work.

It’s Bundy. McCarthy called in and told CTU his brother had been exposed to radiation. I’m surprised Bundy cared about family that much to leave his post. I’m also surprised he’s a former shoe salesman who has the knowledge to re-trigger a nuclear bomb.

The first yawn of the night came courtesy of Walid and Ghetto Sassy talking about how weak their storyline is.

Walid: “I’m ashamed.”
Ghetto Sassy: “You should be. All this sass is going to waste. I should be the one dropping bombs on people.”
Walid: “If I was a terrorist, there’d be a point to my existence.”
Ghetto Sassy: “Shut up. I’m gonna call Jerry Ma-fucking-Guire to see if he can get us a better contract.”

Palmer 2.0 calls Ghetto Sassy and expresses his deepest presidential sympathies. Ghetto doesn’t waste any time and tells her brother that the detention camps are locking up the very people that should be helping us fight the terrorists.

I was so inspired by Sassy’s words that I hung up a picture I drew of an apple smiling and waving to people. Then the Boston Police noticed it, attached explosives to my drawing, and blew it up. Since it wasn’t for a marketing campaign, they could do anything they wanted.

The speech is also enough to convince Palmer 2.0 that detaining brown people is a bad idea, sending shockwaves around his cabinet and especially to the VP played by Powers Boothe. You can just feel the Deadwood seeping out of him with his “These people” comment. Let the rampant racism begin!

Jack is in the living room with Papa and tells him that the reunion has to move to CTU. Papa agrees as Jack leaves to catch his hourly ride in a helicopter. Papa gets up and tells the CTU agents he needs a moment with Napoleon.

Here we find out that Papa is in cahoots with Napoleon and that the entire thing was a rouse meant to mess with Jack. Papa is concerned that Napoleon can’t compete with the torture chamber that is CTU.

Napoleon disagrees and spits out embarrassing phrases like “Hold my mud” and “I love you.” Apparently there is a plan in place, but Papa is making a couple of minor adjustments and Napoleon can’t be a part of it.
“Maybe I asked too much from you…”

Maybe. Or maybe Papa Bauer was just tired of staring down at the four feet of bald anger he legally had to call son. There’s only one son left now and Papa is going to need an entire army of Mooninites to take Jack down.