Made in China

1.14.07
6 a.m. to 8 a.m.

The country is getting terrorized by suicidal bombers, brown people are getting arrested or put in detention centers and the New England Patriots just stunned the San Diego Chargers and will be moving on to the AFC Championship game. In short, everyone is flipping the freak out.

But there is one man who can set everything right and that is Hippie Bauer, who hasn’t shaved, read a newspaper or been touched kindly by anyone for the past two years.

He’s also remained silent for the entire time while being held captive in China, which is ironic since the Chinese are usually the quiet ones in the back of the classroom doing math problems for fun.

Apparently math knowledge isn’t power since they couldn’t even break Hippie Bauer and accepted an agreement from the United States to let him go. The agreement included Google stock and the right to put MSG in everything they export (cheap plastic toys, brides, Crab Rangoon).

Hippie Bauer has been tortured, burned and judged (all Asians are born with the “pretentious gene.”) and he has the scars to prove it. Upon his return to the land of the free, he’s welcomed by two old friends who didn’t even bring a KFC dollar chicken burger or cheese fries.

Instead, they bring a folder with bad news and a plea for Hippie Bauer to sacrifice himself for the country. Apparently there’s a man who knows who’s behind the bombings and is willing to give the information up to the government. And since the government has no leads, they are willing to listen to anyone…except hippies. They must be sacrificed to appease terrorists. Shockingly enough, terrorists hate hippies as much as we do.

Hippie Bauer growls questions about his girlfriend Audrey (Sheryl Crow) and his daughter Kim (she went home to Whore Island) and is told they don’t know he’s back. He wants it kept that way. He knows the hippie code. They die alone.

The beard is shaved off and Jack is given a blue button down shirt along with the piece of mind that, finally, he’ll be dying for something.

Other Things I would rather sacrifice

-Paula Abdul (Why? Click Here.)

-West Texas

-goat cheese…I have my reasons

So Bauer was only brought over for minimum use, which is like anything else made in China. They last for a day, die and end up with the rest of the garbage in the ocean (somewhere, Al Gore is crying).

The plan to sacrifice Bauer was hatched by Palmer 2.0 (President Wayne Palmer. The younger, slicker Palmer) and his advisors, which include Karen Hayes (K Hay) and Thomas Lennox (Worm. The weird guy from Ghostbusters II and the quiet lawyer from Ally McBeal).

Speaking of lawyers, Palmer 2.0 will be dealing with his sister Sandra “Sassy” Palmer who heads up the Islamic-American Alliance. Sassy was bullied by the FBI and when they came back with a warrant, erased all the files on the Islamic-Americans in their organization.

It’s important to note that K Hay and Bill Buchanan (Old Man Buchanan) are now married. It’s important because when they revealed that and I imagined their wedding night, I threw up a little in my mouth.

The plan involves giving Clean Bauer over to Fayed (Bald), the man who knows where the bomber, Assad (Beard), is. Fayed is also pissed at Bauer because years ago Bauer tortured his brother and killed him (he played the Britney Spears album a little too loud).

Old Man Buchanan drops Clean Bauer at the spot, tells him he’s sorry his life sucks and leaves him with a manly shoulder squeeze before he rushes off in the car.

Back at CTU, Chloe (Scowl Face) trots around looking hot and is the last to know that her old friend Jack Bauer is back in town and ready to die. This is what happens when you spend most of your time with your appearance and boning your ex-husband Morris (Bundy. He’s Al with education, charm and a penchant for grabass).

Both are dealing with middle management Milo who is back from season 2 because, after being away for so long, realized that every thing happens in LA. In fact, he wrote “all we have is rape and snow” in his transfer request from CTU Denver.

Scowl Face also deals with Nadia who is bringing sexy back with looking hot in dress suits and speaking the terrorists’ language.

After Bundy sees his girl all sad, he logs into a non-government satellite to try to get a visual on her long lost friend. They find one, but not before Bald’s people realize they are being tracked and call up Nadia to complain.

Old Man Buchanan hears what happens and lets out a loud “DAMMIT!” into the air, which is the same way he consummated his marriage with K Hay. Oh God, the puke is rising.

Bald brings Clean Bauer to a typical terrorist lair, complete with a torture table, low lighting and no bathrooms.

Clean Bauer is stabbed in the shoulder and is told the truth of who Bald really is. He’s the one responsible for the bombings, not Beard. Beard is a former terrorist who is planning on renouncing his past actions to build a bridge of peace.

So, just like they tell women at seven-minute dating nights, Bald equals bad and Beard equals good.

Now Bauer knows the truth and is told he will die for nothing. The Bauer rage level is at red, a level he’s never experienced before, which causes him to do things he’s never done. Like ripping out the heart sensor on his arm, grabbing a terrorist drone and biting the jugular.

Had he time, he would have sucked some blood. It brings good luck and would be a nice change from the Chinese leftovers he’s eaten the past two years. He is now McGruff Bauer, taking a bite out of terrorism.

And according to mum, this is a perfectly acceptable way to escape.

Mum: “Oy, if I was there, I don’t care. I’d bite his balls off if I had to”
Me: “But why would his balls be close to your…eh nevermind.”

Meanwhile in the suburbs…

Thanks to the rampant fear in the country, the FBI is arresting anyone who looks suspicious or smells like hummus. A nice suburban family is shocked to find out their neighbor has just been arrested, leaving behind his terrorist son Kal Penn who played Kumar in “Harold and Kumar Go to Whitecastle.”

Since this is California and model homes can be cheap, the rich minorities can be neighbors with rednecks, which is especially bad when the redneck is sober and realizes that the guy from next door is different and deserves to be beaten.

The son (Elliot from Will & Grace who will now be named Gay. You’ll see why) from the nice suburban family is upset and makes his dad run over there to save Kumar before he gets a beating.

Kumar, who is probably still high from the night before, has garnished a chair to protect himself from the rednecks breaking in because, when you’re high, chairs are the only things that make sense to you.

Gay’s dad stops the redneck and tells Kumar to come over to his house to be safe. What Gay and his dad don’t know is that Kumar really is a terrorist and has a mysterious “package” that he has to deliver to Bald in a matter of time.

Because of this, Kumar tells Gay that he has to leave and thanks the family for their help in trying to locate his innocent but terrorist-looking father. Gay is saddened that his friend is in bad shape and offers his hippie necklace to him “for luck.” Kumar stares and tells Gay to keep it because he’ll need luck someday. Also, because, as it was mentioned before, terrorists hate hippies.

The “package” is hidden in the wall, which means it’s either weed or porn. Or a video of porn stars high on weed. Either way, it’s important enough to kill a redneck over, which Kumar does with a gun from his backpack. He already knows the chair is useless.

It’s a shame too, since, at least in this instance, racial profiling worked. But no one will ever know.

Gay heard the ruckus and showed up at Kumar’s house asking his non-gay friend if he needed help. But their not friends. Gay has been mispronouncing Kumar’s name and will now get the ultimate punishment: guilt and shame. And maybe a bullet to the head.

How To Save a Life

Bald can’t find McGruff Bauer and gives up the search because more things must be bombed around the country. McGruff Bauer escapes through the sewers, breaks into a car and calls CTU to tell them they’re after the wrong guy. But, as all hippies know, no one believes McGruff Bauer’s wild rants.

McGruff Bauer: “It’s the other guy! I swear!”
Everyone Else: “You were tortured in China and you had a wicked beard. You’re crazy.”

McGruff yells some more and tells Old Man Buchanan that “there’s no time.” Finally, the Bauer is back.

Punching in the coordinates into his stolen cell phone, Bauer finds the Beard’s house and utters his threat with a gun.

“Drop the coffee…and your pants. Now dance. DANCE!”

Give the man a break. He’s lived for two years without cable.

So with a blood-stained shirt, Bauer convinces Beard that there’s a mole in his camp and that he’s there to help. Beard eventually believes Bauer, uncovers the mole and runs out of the house, moments before helicopters fire missiles into the house because doing a drive-by on the house doesn’t waste enough of taxpayers dollars for it to be feasible.

Scowl Face finds video of Bauer fleeing the scene with Beard and tells Old Man Buchanan. The crazy antic is enough to convince Old Man Buchanan that Bauer was right and orders Scowl Face to keep the information to herself. Once he gets the proper clearance, she’ll be able to post that video on YouTube.

The terrorist mole is broken in an empty rental house, but only after Beard sticks a knife in the mole’s knee. Bauer had given up because, after two years of torture, he can’t bring himself to be like the Chinese. I know how he feels.

Beard kills the mole after he gives up some of Bald’s plan (a subway is the next target) and Bauer responds with a feeble “I don’t know how to do this anymore.” Whatever. I say that at least three times a day and I still find a way to go poddy in the toilet. Suck it up Jack.

Bauer and Beard find the terrorists entering the subway. Bauer takes the bomb, Beard takes the handler, hoping he’ll lead them back to Bald. After Bauer scares the ticket guy with the old “I’m an FBI agent and there’s a bomb on this train” speech, he grabs bomber guy before he sets off the explosives. Eventually, bomber guy presses the activate button, but only after Bauer kicks him out of the train.

Thanks to Scowl Face picking up a cell phone call, CTU now knows Bald is bad and that Beard is here to help. Palmer 2.0 and K Hay realizes that Bauer was right and hang their heads in shame while Worm leans back and tries to think up of more creative ways to ride the world of brown people.

And there’s Jack, running around with a cell phone, a death wish and the nagging taste of terrorist blood in his mouth, a taste he’s grown accustom to and will no doubt need more of before the day is done. A couple more pints and he’ll be Lost Boy Bauer, the blood-thirsty vampire who thwarts terrorism in his spare time.