CTU Penetrated. Police Say Building was Asking For It.

2 a.m. to 3 a.m.
5.7.07

The security at CTU has failed again, proving once more that their guards are as useful as geriatric Wal-Mart greeters. And those guys can barely see or speak English.

This time the culprits went through the sewer (what? there’s a sewer under CTU?), which is a shame because Old Man Buchanan used to patrol that sector with a flashlight and a baseball bat. Sometimes he would go down there to hear his echo in the tunnels.

The reason CTU was even less secure was because Team Strikeforce, made up of Ricky Schroder and anyone else in the area with a gun, stormed a copper refinery with the hope that it was Cheng’s safehouse. It wasn’t, and just like that episode of “Silver Spoons” where Schroder dressed up like a girl, he wasted precious time.

All they found were empty weapon crates and half-eaten fortune cookies, which is bad news. Asians are the most pissed when they are armed with guns and a belly full of food.

Because Team Strikeforce failed (has Schroder done anything right today?) the job of preventing World War III was passed to Lisa Miller aka Blonde-aid, aka slut-bag whore. Tom has her call Bishop, the boyfriend spy, so that they may be able to trick the Russians into pulling the attack back. When every other plan fails, the US turns to trickery. Six times out of 10, it works.

Sweet. So the hot girl will be a spy for the government because the guy she is banging is the enemy. I liked this plotline…six years ago…when it was called season one. Oh, but this time we actually got to see some sex. Thanks 24 writers. Your need to inject sex into an action-oriented show gave me another uncomfortable moment with my parents.

Unfortunately, Bishop just woke up from a dream about sexy aborigines, so he’s extra horny and only wants to access the whore’s bra strap. This produces an uncomfortable moment for Peeping Tom. I know how he feels. My mom is still accusing me of watching porn.

C’mon, every woman knows how to turn a man off so that he’ll leave you alone. After she said she felt “grungy,” she should have farted. Nothing makes a man gravitate towards a PDA faster than a girl farting on his bed.

Wasted farts reminds me of Milo, who, like Schroder is just using up precious minutes that Bauer could be using to kill people with (instead, he’s sitting at a desk, stewing).

After hours of looking hurt and jealous, Milo has given Nadia his blessing for her relationship with Strikeforce, essentially calling their quick sexual tryst hours before a non-issue. Nadia is confused. I don’t care because I think her by-the-book attitude equates to her being boring in bed.

Morris and Scowl-face make their split-up official. Scowl-face is sad. Morris is confidently ashamed about his prior actions and believes Scowl-face will constantly throw the “you armed a nuclear bomb” every time he leaves the toilet seat up.

But love isn’t completely dead at CTU. It’s found its way to Bright Eyes (Marilyn Bauer) who has been watching the news with her son, the Bauer Boy (Josh) for the past 13 hours. It’s freaking 2 a.m. Any normal teenager would have masturbated in the corner to Nadia and passed out by now. Then again, Josh does have Bauer blood, even though it’s tainted by evil.

Bright Eyes finds out about Audrey being alive through a meddling Scowl-face (her life sucks, so she is arbitrarily helping others). She also hears about Papa Heller putting out a restraining order against Jack. Unless that restraining order has a clause about a giant, army of mentally challenged bears standing in Bauer’s way, it’s utterly useless (if they are mentally challenged, they are unpredictable).

Bright Eyes goes to Jack to show him that she’s still hot and that, like a greasy taco after a night of binge drinking, she’ll be there for him. Just when one fun zone is closed off to Bauer, another opens.

The fun zone will have to wait for now because Cheng’s Asian Street Gang has penetrated CTU from below. It’s a shame they were the ones that penetrated the building because they are the dirtiest and most ruthless of all the penetraters. Ideally, you want the Russians to penetrate you, since they will most likely be too drunk to do any real damage and will eventually die under a dock in the ocean.

Nadia calls for the red alert and orders everyone to go to their “assigned safe rooms.” Scowl-face’s is decorated with padded walls and sensory toys. She is also required to wear a helmet and is kept away from chocolate.

Cheng (if he was passed out in a chair, snoring and wearing a red sweatshirt, he’d be my dad) is now obsessed about “the package,” which turns out to be Bauer Boy. I wish he would use proper words to describe things, although I should reserve my anger for the English night classes at community colleges for failing Cheng.

The leader of the Asian Street Gang (they’re like West Side Story’s Jets, except with more attitude and less dancing) asks who is in charge. Nadia takes her time, which allows Milo to shoot up, thinking this will finally be the way to get her on his side. Instead he gets a bullet to the head. I’m utterly surprised at how much I don’t care.

Bauer is finally let loose and starts killing people and using dead bodies as shields. He meets up with Bright Eyes and the Bauer Boy (they are now Family 2.0) and usher them to safety, especially after he hears that the ASG is after the boy.

Jack finds a vent, gets mad at it and jams his rifle into its fans. The Bauer Boy makes it through, but the other Bauers are left behind and brought back to the leader of the ASG, who informs them that they just want the boy

However, the Bauer Boy eventually comes out of the vent because no son wants to see a bullet rip through his mother’s skull. Now that the ASG has the Bauer Boy, Cheng calls Papa Bauer, who gave up CTU’s codes so that the ASG could get past security (the Wal-Mart greeters).

Papa Bauer has been busy since he answered that Craigslist posting about a broken sub-circuit board. Now that he’s almost done, he’ll be free to torment his family again, which can only lead to more tears, screaming, gun-pointing and drunken Irish jigs. The Bauers know how to have fun, especially during May Sweeps.