Touch of Evil

1 a.m. to 2 a.m.
4.30.07

There’s something in the air tonight. It’s not love or an unsettling Phil Collins song. No, that feeling floating through the atmosphere is the grip of evil and it’s touching everyone in their no-no-bad-places.

Sheryl Crow (Audrey) has been touched by the Chinese and is in a state of catatonic shock. That’s what happens when you are prodded with chopsticks and force-fed bowls of rice.

Her arms are all scabbed up and she desperately needs a shower and a Red Bull. She also needs to be caught up on the action and since Old Man Buchanan has been fired and is now at the local stripclub crying into the welcoming arms of a stripper, someone else will have to do the recapping.

Ricky “Strikeforce” Schroder: “Jack bought your freedom from the Chinese with a Russian component that holds plans for their infamous lava moat. That component is now gone. They left in black hummers. Oh, and the Wii just came out and it kicks ass.”

Sheryl Crow: “…they mostly come out at night…mostly.”

The conversation upset Strikeforce and he ran away, telling everyone (including Jack) that his girlfriend is a wack-job. Bauer isn’t amused and yells that he wished he was dead with the Russian component and his former Chinese captor. At least he’d be getting some rest. Instead, he’s being hauled off in a helicopter to CTU, the place where people die and break-up constantly.

This is why Morris wants to leave and has filed a transfer order. That and Scowl-face (Chloe) is constantly playing the “I’ll-put-out-the-day-you-stop-arming-bombs-for-terrorists” card. Morris should get a sense of humor. Edgar would have just called her weird and ate a sandwich (I miss that fat bastard so goddamn much. I’m gonna eat a pizza in his honor).

Unfortunately for Morris, he’s using the Private Santiago transfer order plan. That never works. Just do what Bauer does and just leave. Filing transfer orders only gets you Code Reds and CTU's version of it involves soiled underwear (yours), a lighter, cottage cheese and a slap-happy Bauer. He slaps you every time you say the word “don’t.” I’m not going to tell you what he does with the cottage cheese.

Scowl-face is sorry. She crossed the line and she insists that they have said things to each other they haven’t meant before (like "do me in the ass") and wants to be forgiven. Morris wants a drink and likes looking off in the distance when he talks to people. This is why their relationship is failing. That and Morris just likes anal way too much for a man.

VP ODB (Old Dirty Bastard) is taking care of business by closing the borders (“Whatever Karen, this doesn’t do anything”) and whispering sweet, creepy nothings in the phone to the Blonde Aide aka Slut-Bag Whore. Why? She’s doing some guy named Bishop who is apparently using her to gain access to her cell phone. Commendable. And here I was thinking about getting a new phone when I should just be prowling the streets for a girl with a Blackberry. I’m a fool.

Slut-Bag Whore’s minuteman boyfriend has been stealing info from her and telling someone in Russia. Or maybe he’s just posting everything on his Myspace blog. Either way, the Russians know and they are pissed.

The VP confronts Slut-Bag Whore about her other relationship and tells her to be a spy for him. If she doesn’t comply, he’ll turn her into an enemy combatant, shave her head and start spreading rumors about the days when she worked at “Hooters.”

Random: Would you rather be with a someone young who was done quick or an older guy whose head is so massive that it looks like he could devour you whole?

My answer: I’m with Bauer. I’d rather be dead.

This is now the third time this season that the potential for the long awaited sequel to World War II is waved in front of us (I heard George Lucas wants to direct it, so expect an epic, long-winded story that uses computer animation whenever the plot gets a little “gayish.”). WWIII better freaking happen this time.

It’s also nice that the Russian-American teleconference face-off happened thanks to Cisco, makers of the “human network.” So the company that brings us together will eventually tear us apart in the future. Awesome.

The Russians know the component is missing and have an army ready to invade China. Apparently the dream of the lava moat is now dead and the Russians will have to hope their earth-friendly vodka missiles will do the trick.

Not that the component will do any good. Just as Cheng is sending the information to his man with a laptop (who is no doubt putting pirated copies of the component on Limewire), it’s revealed that the component is damaged and won’t work properly

A broken component. Why didn’t Jack think of that instead of trying to blow himself up with C4? Oh right, he has a death wish this season. It wouldn’t have been that hard to stage a firefight and have Cheng flee, especially since the CTU Drama Crew has already proved their skills. I’m assuming it must be union rules that prohibit the crew from working two jobs in one night. That’s a shame.

This is also the first time pops had something positive to contribute instead of his obtrusive snoring and bouts of over-eating during the show.

“Tom ma da!” (or something like that)

Cheng said this in the hummer after finding out the component was a piece of shit. According to pops, it’s a cuss word in Mandarin that’s equivalent to saying “your mother.” Like you, I am not surprised his positive contribution involved translating profanity.

Sheryl Crow is now at CTU and is being examined by Dr Time Crunch, who has the ability to say 104 words in under a minute. The downside: he rarely makes sense. I gathered that Sheryl Crow has bumps everywhere, can’t use or understand basic phrases and will need psychiatric drugs just to take a piss. She could hold it in, but that would just give her cramps and make her “bitchy.”

Even though Nadia is cool with it, Strikeforce insists that Jack be given a chance to speak to Sheryl Crow. Strikeforce claims that, unlike the drugs, there is no change of her dying if she talks to Jack. That’s not true. Jack once killed a man by using a certain combination of words that, when said at a certain pitch, can actually split a brain in two. I won’t give you the combination, but I will say one of the words used was “panties.”

Strikeforce un-cuffs Bauer and sets him loose in CTU, which is like sending a hungry dog into a bacon factory run by hot, sexy poodles. JB punches the pitiful and pushes the lucky to the ground. He then grabs Sheryl Crow and runs out the door.

The lucky guy (it’s Dr. Time Crunch), pulls the alarm, Morris looks a the video feed of Audrey’s room that no one was watching, Milo says something stupid (fast becoming the most useless character on the show), Chloe can’t be found and the VP is laying into his sexual history to a flabbergasted Tom Lennox as legions of 24 fans allow a prolonged “eewwwwww” to escape their lips for the second week in a row.

Jack only has minutes and plans to bypass years of therapy and medication to get Sheryl Crow to back to normal again. He does this with hugs and telling her it’s ok to hate Chinese people for the rest of her life (don’t worry, we’re used to the suspicious looks, distrust and constant comparisons to Hiro on NBC's "Heroes.").

Just as CTU is breaking down the door, Sheryl Crow says the word “Bloomfield,” which is enough for Jack and turns out to be a decent lead in the end. Papa Heller is back (he didn’t die in the car crash. I know. I wish he did too) and he is ready to bring Sheryl Crow home.

He also visits Jack to say hello and that “everything that you touch, one way or another, ends up dead.” Charlie Brown could do that with Christmas trees and my ex-girlfriend can do that with souls. If you combine those two monsters, you get a bald harpy who wears yellow sweaters with a brown stripe who has an obsession with cats...I'm scared too.