In Ten Years China Will be a Superpower...in a World of Shame

3 a.m. to 4 a.m.
5.14.07

By introducing the world to the egg roll, pandas and rickshaws and poisoning our pets, China has been inching closer and closer to the ever-elusive ranking of “superpower.” Now, according to Papa Bauer, the timetable for that to happen is 10 years, and the old man plans to be there for the party.

The country has much to learn before it gets those embroidered bomber jackets direct from the UN that says “Superpower” on the back in white lettering. For starters, they have to learn how to properly deal with a hysterical white woman. As it stands, it’s their one true weakness.

Bright Eyes (Marilyn Bauer) freaks out like only a hysterical white woman can (glazed eyes, arms flailing about, incomprehensible shrieking) because the Chinese are dragging her son, the Bauer Boy (Josh) away to see Pappy Bauer.

Jack and company are being moved to “secure rooms” at CTU (Fools. No room at CTU is secure.) Jack informs Nadia that this is the only chance they have at freeing themselves and running after the Bauer Boy.

The Bauer “long-shot-at-best-and-you-might-not-live” plan involves hitting people in the nuts, Nadia trying to wrestle a gun away and Morris humping people’s backs while he’s twirled around like a drunk female socialite on a mechanical bull.

Somehow, this all works, probably because the MSG has set in and the Asian gang isn’t all that quick at the moment. Or maybe it’s because Jack likes to live dangerously. Incidentally so do I. Sometimes, I listen to Creed and see how long I can last before I go blind from rage. My personal record is 45 seconds. Ten if the song is "Arms Wide Open.”

Strikeforce shows up in time to kill the guy on top of Nadia. They share a soft glance towards each other and then look at Milo’s rotting corpse. I wish they were all dead. They are the dollar store version of Michelle and Tony. It’s a cheap imitation that doesn’t work, even with batteries.

Pappy Bauer is reunited with his grandson via cell phone and explains that they are going to start a new life in sunny, non-threatening China. Oh, it’s not China now. It’s China in 10 years, when it will be more like Disneyland, only with less drugs.

They have to leave now because Pappy has been craving fried rice for the past 12 hours. Interestingly enough, Pappy’s 10-year plan is also a version of The Bauer “long-shot-at-best-and-you-might-not-live” plan.

The Bauer Boy doesn’t like this China plan and tells gramps he’s out of his mind. Back in the sewer Jack and Strikeforce are navigating through the tunnels on what I can only assume is Bauer’s uncanny sense of smell (the Bauer Boy smells like fear, which smells a lot like broccoli, which can kill you).

As Cheng and his Chinese thugs take Bauer Boy in the car, Jack pops his head out of the concrete hole in the ground and starts shooting with blind fury at the only thing moving in the vicinity. Amazingly he hits the driver of the car and not the Bauer Boy.

A gunfight ensues (Bauer calls these “funfights”) and Cheng pulls the asshole move and uses Bauer Boy as a human shield on the way to the roof. It’s here where Bauer Boy gains his freedom by kicking Cheng in the face and runs away.

Jack shows up, holds his former captor at gunpoint and screams for Bauer Boy’s location. Cheng cringes and looks confused. I know that look. I see it every time I ask for two happy endings at the local Asian massage parlor.

Bauer Boy ends up below the metal bridge, holding on for dear life from a chain. Didn’t he escape? How the HELL did he end up dangling from a chain?

In the middle of the confusion, Cheng disappears. Literally disappears. He’s in the middle of the roof, Jack is blocking the only door and 30 yards the other way is apparently the walkway that ends with you almost falling off the building. Maybe he can fly because the next time we see him, he’s on the ground, talking to Pappy about “serious consequences” and getting scolded for not delivering the boy.

This is the country that is going to be a superpower in a decade? If they can’t get terrorism right, they don’t have a prayer. The only superpower they’ll be is in a world of shame.

Just in case you forgot about the meandering plot at the White House, the writers made sure that VP Noah “I just crapped in my pants” Daniels was made available for a five minute recap of everything that happened.

The blonde-aide is still trying to get Bishop, the secret Russian operative, to access her PDA and felt the best way to do that was to have long-winded, weird sex. Tom “This is not good” Lennox was stuck in a van watching the tawdry sex dance unfold.

Bishop finally finishes and Blonde Aide excuses herself, leaving the traitor along with the PDA. Just as he’s about to send the files over to Russia, he hesitates and realizes that me might be getting double-crossed. Why? Because he just had sex and he’s enjoying that special time when a man has depleted his sperm supply and he suddenly gains 16 more IQ points.

Lennox and the Secret Service watch Blonde Aide get strangled and then suddenly realize they aren’t at home watching their favorite porn site “HornyPoliticalShrews.gov” and bust into the apartment. Bishop is given a choice: ass sex in prison or death. He chooses life and sends the fake emails to Russia, in the hope that World War III will be stopped.

Speaking of ass sex, CTU has a new dickhead at the office named Ben Cram and he’s here from division to “assess the security breach” which is like a father inspecting his daughter seconds after her boyfriend reached third. It’s unnecessary and uncomfortable, for everyone involved.

Cram reminds Nadia that she sucks at her job. Morris leans in to tell her to stay strong. This would have meant more to her had he not been an alcoholic Brit and former shoe salesman who armed a nuclear bomb for the enemy.

VP Crap-Pants contacts the Russian president to uphold the lie. The Russian prez doesn’t buy it, mainly because he WAS watching “HornyPoliticalShrews.gov” and saw everything. He offers the US two more hours until he advances on a US base, all in the name of defense. I say let them attack. How bad can soldiers armed with shovels, rocks and a dog whistle really be?

Crap-Pants is now prepared to go to war over a piece of circuitry. Tom returns and gets a call from Pappy saying that he’s willing to trade the circuit board for his grandson and safe passage out of the country.

Even though KHay says PB is a sociopath who can’t be trusted (and Tom agrees), it’s said that averting World War III is worth the freedom of an evil man. Crap-Pants suddenly talks about the Russian president acting out of character and has his staff speculate about what could be happening behind the scenes in Russia.

The speculation of evil Russian generals who have a beef with the US is enough to convince him to trust Pappy. So just as Jack is bringing the Bauer Boy back to his mom (who will no doubt grant Jack access to her fun zone), he is snatched away by Strikeforce and taken in a helicopter.

Next week is the two-hour epic finale when we’ll finally find out if World War III is gonna happen and whether or not Jack will get laid.